Fluff Wash part 4

Fluff Wash part 4

http://toranistheauthor.tumblr.com/

Warning:  This story contains fluffies having a less than stellar time.  Viewer discretion is advised.


 I have a pastebin account now.  http://pastebin.com/u/Toran_is_the_Author

All of my stories have been cleaned up, broken into smaller pieces for your reading enjoyment (and ribbed for her pleasure), and are generally better than before

Here's parts one, two and three for backstory and maximum enjoyment!

Fluff Wash part 1 -- http://www.fluffybooru.org/post/view/1668
              Pastebin -- http://pastebin.com/Th4L9xdW
Fluff Wash part 2 -- http://www.fluffybooru.org/post/view/1669
              Pastebin -- http://pastebin.com/ia3zuc4D
Fluff Wash part 3 -- http://www.fluffybooru.org/post/view/3364
              Pastebin -- http://pastebin.com/4uwwJjhD


Our intrepid inventor washes a foal by hand.  Much verbal abuse and irritation ensues


May 21, 2017, 8:35 am.  I'm still tracking down the source of subject number five's electrocution.  Until then the Fluff Wash goes unused but science marches on.  Streak remains alive but stock still.  He talks in a monotone voice for hours at a time, stopping and starting seemingly at random.  None of it is coherent and I'm keeping him away from the other test subjects for now.  I've had to tube feed him mashed up fluffy chow and water and while I have to poop him manually, he never shows any sign of discomfort.  Nor does he show happiness, fear, anger or anything really.  Just stares straight ahead and quietly talks nonsense.  Streak hasn't even attempted to move from what I can tell, his legs are ramrod straight and I'm not sure if he's slept or not.  I'll continue to observe his behavior and see what comes of it.

The contracts with Proctor & Gamble, Hasbro and Rand must be honored so today I'm doing the washing by hand.  I am NOT looking forward to this as all the fluffies in my safe room do nothing but complain about food (I feed them what the fluffy chow bag says to), the smell (two litterboxes as pristine as the day I bought them sit untouched in the corner), and the evil human monster.  First of all, everything that's happened so far has been accidental.  Second, they have no knowledge of the accidents anyway.  I feed them, clean up after them, put a roof over their heads so why do most cop an attitude?

It's that pink pegasus smarty, she's been yelling at me non stop about her baby, subject number three, or bringing the rest of her herd back.  She asserted control over the rest almost immediately and the complaining has been constant ever since.  Like rubbing two blocks of styrofoam together their squeaky voices just burrow into my head, I've been popping advil like they're skittles.  And as soon as you get a good one away from her they go right back to "love you" and "please give nummies", damn hypocrites.  Am I a monster or your new daddy?  Each one plays along with what that pegasus tells them, she eats the lions share of the food (I bet thats why they're hungry) and attack my ankles when she says so.  Of course she never attacks herself, just hangs back with the pregnant one while yelling orders.  She was so quiet in the shelter too, I chose her because she just stared, never yelled or begged like so many others.  So is she an evil genius or a mouthy opportunist?

Heh.  Evil genius.  I've seen smarter goldfish.  But this entire experience has opened my eyes, I'd had no idea fluffies were capable of such behaviors.  It'd be worth pursuing just for my own personal interests if the majority wern't so irritating, I find they're little social structures intriguing.  Maybe I'll keep a log of those discoveries as well.

All right, enough procrastination.  I'd best just get on with this and hope for the best.

It's 8:49 am, subject is a foal unicorn female, tan coloring and a brown mane, feral and named Sunshine.  With the Fluff Wash out of action, we're going to test Proctor & Gamble's fluffy shampoo type A-43.  After spending a week with some of these things in my home, I really hope it works.  Fluffies can start to stink in a hurry with feces stuck to their tails and butts,  not to mention their absorbant fluff soaking up urine and God knows what else.  I hope one of these companies comes up with a fluffy breath mint too, if not I may have to.  This test will be conducted in the laundryroom sink, the deep, plastic basin will ensure the subject can't get out and hopefully keep me dry.

"Wet Swnshine go!  Wan mummeh, mummeh pwease hewp fwuffy!  Meanie dummy hooman got babbeh!"

I'm going to make your fluff pretty and smell nice Sunshine, isn't that good?

"Nu wan dummy, wan mummeh!  Babbeh gif owwies, babbeh gif poopies!"

Do you love your mother?

"Swnshine wuv mummeh.  Mummeh bestest fwuffy eva'."

Don't you think she wants you looking and smelling pretty?

"Mummeh mak babbeh smewl pwetty, munsta make smewl wike poopies!"

Really?  how does mommy make you smell nice?

"Mummeh wick babbeh, gif huggies an wuv, make smewl pwetty"

So fluffy mothers frequently clean their babies to keep them smelling nice, which I assume means smelling like a fluffy, and to remove detritus from their fluff?

"Swnshine nu un'stan, hooman say dummie wurds.  Mummeh-"

How does mommy keep you clean?

"Mummeh wick gud babbehs, gif huggies an make pwetty.

Fluffy social study note:  So by licking and rubbing her fluff on their babies, mother fluffies keep their babies clean.  I wonder if they know being clean reduces the chances of sickness or if it's just a purely asthetic pursuit?  The last subject mentioned having clean and nice smelling fluff meant status that in itself could be a programmed trait.  They're also spreading their own scent all over the foal... for helping to locate it later?  To keep it seperate from other mother's foals?  Another line of questioning worth pursuit.

"Wan mummeh, gif babbeh to mummeh."

You'll see her in just a minute.  Time is 8:54 am, beginning to wash the foal.

"NUUUUUUUU!  Nu wan wawa!  Pweast hewp fwuffy!  Mummeh hewp babbeh!  Need mummeh, need huggies! Nuuuuu-"

It's just a little warm water, you'll live!  I swear, every feral was born to complain.  Now be quiet and hold still, you'll smell a lot better after this.

"Nu pwease nw wawa!  Wawa bad!  Babbeh gif huggies if nu wawa.  Babbeh wuv daddeh!"

Hmmm, you love me now do you?

"Babbeh wuv daddeh, nice daddeh!"

Even though you said I was a dummy?

"Fwuffy sowwy, yu nice hooman, wan gif huggies, gif daddeh bestest nummies!"

Hugs and food?  How could I resist?  Oh, where are you going to get the food from?

".... Pwease nu wawa, babbeh haf lots nummies, gif to daddeh if no wawa."

What kind of food?

".... Babbeh haf bestest nummies eva!  Nu mo' wawa an babbeh gif nummies an huggies."

What kind of food?

"...  Wan mummeh, mummeh haf nummies fo' daddeh.  Smawty fwiend "

You'll give me your milk?

"Miwk fo' babbeh, mummah haf otha' nummies an gif to hooman daddeh."

Ah, I see.  So if I stop and return you to your mother she'll give me lots of good food?

"Yesh mummah gif bestest nummies."

Note for fluffy social studies:  Subject seems willing to lie about anything to get what he wants.  Already I've been told she loves me despite saying quite the opposite only moments before and that her mother will give me good food if she's returned.  When asked about what kind of food she repeated her desire to return to mother and didn't answer the question.  They appear to be poor at bluffing, no surprise, but also willing to fabricate the truth at a young age.  Much like human babies, one of the first skills they pick up is lying.  This foal has no way of living up to its promise, either it isn't capable of considering future consequences or simply doesn't care so long as it's current circumstances improve.

"Fwuffy go bak to mummeh now pwease daddeh?"

Applying shampoo A-43, this one is a mild, tear free formula.  Makes me wonder what happened with formulations 1 to 42 though.

"Nuuuuuuu nu wan wawa, pwease hewp fwuffy!"

Another note, fluffies often stop referring to themselves by their own name when under stress or afraid.  Falling back on base programming?  And as for you, just hold still and we'll be done in a minute.

"Hooman meanie, wet fwuffy go!"

Didn't you love me just a minute ago?

"Fwuffy neva' wuv meanie dummie smewwy hooman!"

Yep, thought so.  Sunshine is well lathered, time to rinse her- oh!  Her horn is glowing, this must be unicorn "magic."  Let the record show I was making little air quotes while saying magic.

"Fwuffy gif spawks, big owchie!"

Her sparks on my bare arm sting no more than a mosquito bite, how do these things manage to burn each other's fluff?  Fluff must have a very low ignition temperature.  Fluffies must also have an extremely low pain threshold for them to cry if a little thing like that can hurt them.  Ah well, back to the scrubbing.  I'll take care around the horn, from what I've read it's a bit more sensitive than usual.

"OWWIIIEEEEEEEE! NUUUUUUU hewp babbeh!  Meanie gif huwtie to babbeh hown!!!"

You know I didn't actually touch it yet, just said I'd be gentle-

Hownie huwties SO bad, hooman munsta is worstest munsta!

There, I've wiped it with a moist sponge.  Now if that drama is over and done with let's continue on to the rest of your somewhat filthy body.

"NUUUUU nu wawa, hooman puwl fwuff, hooman meanie, nu huwt fwuff!"

It's SHAMPOO, it makes things slippy.  I couldn't yank your fluff if I wanted to.

"Mummeh hewp, dummie hooman huwt babbeh, is wowst meanie munsta eva!

HEY!  I've been VERY patient and VERY gentle with you, brat.  Want that to end?  Hmm?  Want me to scrub you so hard your fluff comes off?

"Nuuuuuu, nuuuuuuu, pwease nu huwt babbeh, babbe-"

It doesn't hurt, I know it doesn't hurt at all, I'm being as gen-

"Stoopid munsta huwtin' fwuffy, mummeh gif big owwies fo' bein' meanie to babbeh."

Give me strength... I'm more delicate with you than I was with my newborn niece, there isn't a drop of shampoo near your eyes and-

"Babbeh's eye huwties!  Hooman put owwie wawa in babbeh's eye an' make mo' huwties!  Mummeh, hooman bein' mean ta fwuffy!"

Well I knew this was gonna suck, I just didn't realize ho-

"Babbeh hate hooman, hooman iz munsta dat eat poopies"

...  Just shut up and let me finish.

"Hate hooman, hate dummie hooman, hat-"

SHUT THE FUCK UP and let me finish for FUCK'S SAKE!

"Huuuuu huuuuuuuu *sniff* huuuuuu nu yewl at babbeh!"

Keep your freaking mouth closed or I swear to God I'll shave off every inch of your fluff you horrid little beast!

"NUUUUU no take fwuff!  Babbeh wan fwuff, cowd if nu fwuff, ugwy if nu fwuff!"

Wanna be cold?

"Nuuuuuuu"

Wanna be UGLY?"

"Nuuuuuu am pwetty fwuffy!"

Then BE QUIET!!!

"Huuu hu hu hu hu hu.....*sob* hu hu hu... fwuffy gud fwuffy..."

... Time is 9:02 am and by the grace of God we're done.  I'm not going to test the drying unit since I can't stand this little creature's high pitched whining.  Now tell me SUNSHINE, how do you smell?

" *sniff sniff* Swnshine smewl wike gwassies an fwowers, smewl wike pawk!  Swnshine goin' to pawk?

After that temper tantrum?  No, you're going back to the rest and we'll see what they think of your odor.

"Wan mummeh, need huggies."

*Grumble*

Note for fluffy social studies, fluffies who have made up their tiny minds about you will be verbally abusive no matter how kind they're treated.  All they seem to care for is their own immediate comfort and the fact that I'm the one feeding and cleaning up after them doesn't mean jack shit to the little ingrates.  Throughout the gentle washing I gave her (despite strong desires to shove the shampoo bottle into her mouth and squeeze) Sunshine kept changing her self referencing from fluffly, to baby, to her own name.  Maybe levels of stress affect fluffy memory?  Or perhaps its just something their original programmers thought sounded cutest and would get a human to comply with whatever the fluffy wanted.  Finally I can put this little shit stain back with the "herd".

"Swnshine nu shet stane, nasty hooman shet stane!"

....  Lets give you back to that pink smarty friend mother of yours before I invalidate my results.

*click*  *creak*

"Gif babbeh munsta, mummeh wan babbeh!!!"

"Meanie munsta bak, hewd weady?"

Ready?  Ah.  They're all blowing raspberries at me.  Such an endearing trait.  Makes me fantasize about a few things once all the testing is complete.

"Babbeh need miwk, need wuv an' huggies, munsta gif or Wain gif biggest owwies in poopie pwace!"

Uh huh. Right.  And so nice to see you all agreeing with Rain too but tell me... If I don't step over this plywood and hand your baby back, what are you going to do?  Will you dig a tunnel out like I see you've been trying for days?  Will your little wingies fly you over to her?  What the hell are you going to do if I just walk out that door and keep her?

"Nuuuuuuuu! Munsta nu huwt babbeh, smawty fwiend gif owwies to pee pee pwace if huwt mah babbeh!"

Again with the threats but you didn't answer my question.  HOW are you going to give me owies and hurties?

"Mummeh!  Pwease hewp babbeh, babbeh scawed!"

"Mummeh hewe babbeh, wuv yu, haf wots huggies soon."

Well?

"Wain... Wain fin' munsta nummies an den hooman haf nu nummies, git worstest tummy owwies and dai!"

"Yay, smawty fwiend kiw hooman, get nummies!"

And how will you do that?  Let me make it easier, how will you get out of the pen to give me owies?

"Wain-  smawty... smawty fin' way..."

You've no idea.  None.  You're not a smarty friend, you're a dummy friend.

*Gasp!* "Hooman say smawty is nu smawty!"

"Huggie neva' say 'gain!  Wain is smawty fo' evah!"

A Smarty that can't find her way out of a simple box.  Heh, some some leader you are, but I'm already getting sick of making you look stupid, here's your foal back.

"Mummeh!  Babbeh wuv mummeh!"

"Babbeh!  Mummeh gif bestest huggies!"

Adorable.  Now to see if she notices the new scent.

"Swnshine SO scawed, meanie pouw wawa on fwuffy, hooman twy kiw babbeh, an, *sniff* an he big meanie.

"Is ok babbeh, mummeh gif munsta owwies if eva twy take 'gain.  Uh, Babbeh smewl pwetty!  Smewl wike gwassies an fwuff fewl gud."

"Swnshine gwoom afta meanie twy kiw wit wawa."

Lying shit.  Let's call this trial a success though, other fluffies also like the aroma and her fluff has never been..uh.. fluffier.  Now the rest of her herd has gathered and they're all playing and nosing each other like normal.  Her mother is grooming her regardless of how good she smells, I guess it'd be too much to ask for if her tongue fell off.  Proctor & Gamble formula A-43 is s winner so far, let's see what tomorrow brings, after I feed and clean up after these ingrates.  Hey you guys know you get a lot more food if you just use these litter boxes right?

"Stoopid hooman gif moar nummies or git bad owwies!"

Fine, just a little kibble it is.  Too bad all my spaghetti will go to waste.

*gasp*  "Hooman gots sketties!  Gif sketties, gif sketties!"

"Yu dummy fwuffy, hooman owny gif sketties to smawty fwiend an smawty shawe wif hewd.  Gif sketties, then hewd poopies in bawx."

No.  Box first, then spaghetti.  Don't like it?  Then enjoy your kibble.

"Nuuu, meanie gif sketties!!!"

It's 9:21 am, time to find that loose wire in the Fluff Wash.

Start recording... it's uh... 7:07 am on May 22, 2017.  I did it.  Had to take the entire damn thing apart but I found that loose connection and screwed it in tighter than a German Nun.  Along the way I've strengthened several other connections and used some locking washers where appropriate.  It's a more robust machine which is good, I actually fell asleep leaning my head against it for a while there.  Christ my neck hurts.  Maybe I'll do just some minor testing with my fluffy subjects to- Oh come on, it's barely seven and they're already making a goddam racket.  To hell with them, today I'm sleeping and they can eat LATER.

Whats with all the yelling anyway?  You'd think a snake got in there or something with that screeching.  *sigh*, Just a peek, then I'll pass out with earplugs rammed in so hard they touch in the middle. *click*  Ok ok ok, what the hell is so freaking horrible you've gotta s-

Well.  Shit.

"Hooman hewp babbeh, huggies nu make bettah!"

Holy shit that's nasty.  OH, OH man!  And the smell isn't any better!  I'm grabbing the camera for this one, and a pair of barbecue tongs cuz' there's no way I'm touching that.  This IS Sunshine, right?

"Pwease hewp, babbeh sikkies, need wuv!"

She needs a hell of a lot more than love.  Subject has lost over 90% of her fluff, it's mostly in a pile where I guess she slept.  The rest is stuck to her from all that... fluid?  Pus?  Damn it smells.

"Hooman pwease make babbeh bettah, mummeh wuv babbeh."

"*sniff* pwease...  huwties."

Everywhere the fluff fell out has been replaced with some sort of blisters or pustules, reddish and looking very infected.

"Pwea *cough* babbeh nu wike.  Babbeh wan fwuff."

Goddam what a mess.  Several of the pustules have burst, spreading a trail of foul smelling liquid wherever this foal has crawled.

"Wan fwuff, fwuff- *cough* miss fwuff"

"Pwease, pwease hooman hewp babbeh, Wain be gud fwuffy an hewd be gud too!"

Sunshine's eyes are partially caked with this pus, it's like the worst skin rash the world's ever known.  I mean I've had athlete's food but this?  I'm actually feeling bad for the poor fluffy.  I'm.. uh.. going to try and clean all this goop off and give her some special medicine, maybe that'll let her fluff grow back.

"Wain be gud fwuffy, pwease hewp Swnshine, wain wuv Swnshine soooooo  much.  Babbeh be bettah soon, 'membah mummeh wuvs yu!"

"*wheeze* mummeh, wuv mummeh... pwease huggie... mummeh..."

I'm taking Sunshine to the lab. *click*  There, now to just pack you up in ice and ship whats left to Proctor & Gamble.

"Nice hooman *sniff* hewp fwuffy?  Gif bak fwuff?"

Well, no not exactly.  What I'm going to do is place you in this styrofoam carrier and fill it with ice.  That way your body will be well preserved for my client's chemists to figure out what the hell went wrong.

"nuuu *cough cough* nuu, pwease hewp... gud fwuffy... wuv dadd- *wheeze* "

So when you were screeching about hating me and so on, that was, what?  A loyalty test?

"Babbeh sikkies, pwease- owwie!"

Settle down, just relax and let the ice bags freeze you into a convenient pose for the scientists, ok?

"Cowd owwies, *cough* pwease hewp, nu wan *cough* dai, daddeh pwease he-"

I'm NOT your daddy.  I'm the one you spent ten minutes screaming at while I gently washed you.  As for the results, well, I am sorry about that but it's not like I can't get another foal to experiment on.  As they say in science, any data is good data!

"So cowd, daddeh... pwease...nu wan dai... pwea- pwease hewp fwuffy?"

No.  *squeeeeeeaakkk*   Styrofoam rubbing together is  almost as bad as that foal's voice.

I'll give it another five minutes or so, then put it into one of the travel coolers and mail it high priority.  At least I know what happened with formulations 1 to 42 now.  Ew.

Note to self, wear gloves when applying chemicals provided by contractors.

End part 4