1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,920
PETE: Step away from your sister.

2
00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:06,440
Karen, go up and get changed.

3
00:00:06,520 --> 00:00:08,840
Ben, will you stop playing with that!

4
00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:13,920
Listen, for the last time, you
should never, ever, hit a person.

5
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,000
What if they're attacking you
with a shovel?

6
00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:19,480
-What?
-If someone's attacking you
with a shovel,

7
00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:21,120
you must be able to hit them.

8
00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:24,360
Well, obviously, yeah. I mean,
that would be defence,

9
00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:27,040
-so obviously, in that sort of.
-SUE: Come on!

10
00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:30,360
shovel-related circumstance,
you can hit someone but.

11
00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:32,480
Ah, but you said "never, ever"!

12
00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:34,720
Ben, you know perfectly well.

13
00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:38,560
Come on people! Let's not be late
for another wedding! Ah.

14
00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:42,360
And today's mystery object is,

15
00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:47,120
a trowel behind the telly.
Karen, are you ready?

16
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:50,480
Look, Ben.
You must never hit someone first.

17
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,720
What if you're a boxer?

18
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:55,640
If you're a boxer, you should
be able to hit someone. Listen!

19
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,000
because a boxer's job
is to punch people.

20
00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:00,000
-But we're not talking about...
-SUE: Karen, hurry up please!

21
00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:03,560
What if somebody's walking towards
you and you know they're a murderer.

22
00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:05,440
-Ben...
-And they have a shovel.

23
00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:08,320
Ben, this isn't about murderers
with shovels...

24
00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:11,920
SUE: Jake, can you stop texting?
BEN: Why have I got to to
wear this stuff anyway?

25
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:13,680
-It's horrible and itchy and...
-SUE: Come on, everyone!

26
00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:17,640
We're going to a wedding,
and everyone has to be
as uncomfortable as possible.

27
00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:20,920
-Now go, come on, get your shoes on.
-Karen, do you need some help?

28
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:25,400
No, no... We agreed you were
going to change into your dress

29
00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:27,520
when we got to Julie's house,
like the other bridesmaid.

30
00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:31,400
-But I want to travel in my dress.
-But darling, it'll get...

31
00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:34,160
You're not supposed to upset me
on my big day.

32
00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:38,360
Well, strictly-speaking, Karen, it's
cousin Julie's big day, isn't it?

33
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,760
I wish everybody would
stop saying that.

34
00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,920
Go and change into what
you were wearing before.

35
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:49,200
Who comes down the aisle first,
me or the other bridesmaid?

36
00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:52,560
That's up to Cousin Julie, so we'll
wait and see what she wants.
Won't we.

37
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:57,520
Who comes down the aisle first,
Cousin Julie or me?

38
00:01:58,120 --> 00:01:59,800
That would be Cousin Julie

39
00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:02,280
on account of the fact
that she's the bride.

40
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:04,560
Now go and get changed, Karen.

41
00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:05,840
PHONE RINGS

42
00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:07,080
I'll get that!

43
00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:11,000
-We've got to shift, come on!
-SUE: Hi, Dad. How are you?

44
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,800
Dad, is Auntie Angela
coming to the wedding?

45
00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:17,240
Well...

46
00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:21,040
She hasn't replied to the invitation,
and America's a long way away,

47
00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:25,040
so you never really know
with Auntie Angela, so...

48
00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:27,280
God, I hope Mum and her
don't have another fight.

49
00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:31,200
Well, it wasn't really
a fight exactly, was it?

50
00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:33,360
No shovels involved.

51
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:38,440
No, but there was shouting,
screaming and swearing.
A lot of swearing.

52
00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:42,320
Look, all sisters have these
little disagreements,

53
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:46,760
and I'm sure that if she does come,
they'll be very civilised about it.

54
00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:50,640
Anyway she probably won't come.

55
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:53,840
Bollocks, the present!

56
00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:55,320
-SUE:God!
-You OK?

57
00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:59,760
No, that was Dad. He's forgotten
all about the wedding,
and he's still in his pyjamas.

58
00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:03,800
I've got a thumping headache
and Karen's faffing about
with her dress!

59
00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:06,640
Karen, where are you off to?

60
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,400
-I need a wee.
-OK. Do you need any help
with your dress and stuff?

61
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:12,880
-I'm six.
-OK, but don't slide
the bolt across, cos it's stiff.

62
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,200
KAREN: What?

63
00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:20,080
I said, can you make sure
you don't slide the...

64
00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:21,640
BOLT SLIDES ACROSS

65
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:23,840
bolt across.

66
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:29,480
OK, erm, Karen, darling. Listen,
can you, erm...

67
00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:30,960
Can you do me a favour?

68
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:34,200
Can you just
put the bolt back across again?

69
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,040
You know, just so I know you can.

70
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:39,200
KAREN: I can't. It's too stiff.

71
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:42,560
You should have warned me
not to put the bolt across!

72
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:47,480
I think it was mentioned actually,
sweetheart. But just erm...

73
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,520
There's nothing
to worry about, you'll be fine.

74
00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:54,200
Well, you slid it one way,
you should...

75
00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:56,600
You should be able to slide it
the other.

76
00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:59,160
SUE: Come on everyone, let's go!

77
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:05,280
Ben, don't do that. We need to allow
ourselves plenty of time because Dad
doesn't trust the sat nav any more.

78
00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:09,160
Not since that visit
to the army firing range.

79
00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:12,680
Bloody childproof bottles!

80
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:19,680
Cheers.

81
00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:22,680
Just give it a big push.
KAREN SHOUTS

82
00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:25,400
She won't get out,
she'll be stuck forever.

83
00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:27,560
Ben, that is not helpful
think to say.

84
00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,560
-Karen...
-You should have told her
not to put the bolt across.

85
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:32,320
Funnily enough, that was exactly...

86
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:35,080
-You'll have to break the door down.
-Do you mind? I'm dealing with this.

87
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:39,520
On The Bill, they have this
really big special door-basher,

88
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:42,360
that's like a big metal pole.

89
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:46,560
Unfortunately we don't have
a big special door-basher

90
00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,560
with a long metal pole so...

91
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:51,160
What if she gets thirsty
and drinks the toilet water?

92
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:52,840
Well, that'll be fine. Karen!

93
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:56,880
-What is going on up here?
-KAREN: I'm stuck in the toilet.

94
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,880
You shouldn't have let her
put the bolt across.

95
00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:02,240
Right, the next person
who says that...

96
00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:04,400
OK, let's try not to panic.

97
00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:06,560
No-one is panicking.

98
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,400
-Karen's panicking.
-Thank you, Jake.
Yes, I am aware of that.

99
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:12,360
If she slid the bolt one way,
she should be able to slide it back.

100
00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:14,840
Yes, I know, and that is why
I have been...

101
00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:18,080
-OK, let's all try to stay calm.
-I am calm.

102
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,680
-This is going to make us late.
-KAREN: We can't be late!
It's my big day!

103
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:24,120
It's all right Karen. Stay calm.

104
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,760
We could put beavers through the
window and they'd eat the door.

105
00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:30,840
Can we please stop with the
stupid suggestions about beavers?

106
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,720
-There's no point in panicking.
-KAREN: Help!

107
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:35,840
-I am not panicking.
-KAREN: Help!

108
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,760
We're not going to be late.

109
00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:44,320
I will deal with it. And I will deal
with it in a calm and measured way.

110
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:47,160
How much will it cost to
replace that door?

111
00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:50,000
Look, I got us here on time,
didn't I?

112
00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:53,920
Sometimes drastic situations
require drastic measures.

113
00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:57,080
-So, how's your shoulder?
-Fine.

114
00:05:58,160 --> 00:05:59,880
-And your foot?
-Yes.

115
00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:04,160
-And your...
-Look, can we just... OK?

116
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:09,000
-You all right, Granddad?
-What? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Just admiring the bride.

117
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,200
Judy looks smashing doesn't she, eh?

118
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:16,120
It's Julie, Granddad.

119
00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:18,680
What... Oh. Oh, yeah.

120
00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:24,040
So, girls, how do I look?

121
00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:28,200
-You look beautiful.
-Ah, thank you, Karen.

122
00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:29,640
Do I look beautiful?

123
00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:31,600
You look OK.

124
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,840
You look gorgeous, Mary.

125
00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:36,560
Why are wedding dresses white?

126
00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:40,760
Because Mummy says it's a bad colour
because it shows the dirt.

127
00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:43,560
That's true, I mean it's not
very practical, is it?

128
00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:48,120
And also,
why are wedding dresses funny?

129
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:53,320
-Funny?
-Yes, because when I asked my
Mummy and Daddy in the car

130
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:59,040
would the bride be wearing white,
they said, "yes",
and started giggling.

131
00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:01,760
Did they?

132
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:05,600
And they tried to hide it
but I could see Mummy's shoulders

133
00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:08,360
moving up and down like this.

134
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:12,000
Right. Great...

135
00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:16,960
Right, Ben, a little reminder.
Gravel. Confetti.

136
00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:20,760
You seemed to get confused at your
Auntie Sandra's wedding, didn't you?

137
00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:24,800
When the priest says, "Does anyone
know any reason why these people

138
00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:28,600
"can't get married", no shouting
out funny answers, all right?

139
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:31,960
-You mean like "She's a man"?
-Yes!

140
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:33,760
Exactly like that.

141
00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:37,280
You're lucky your Auntie Sandra's
got such a good sense of humour.

142
00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:43,200
-KAREN: Who's that?
-That's Sam.
We used to go out together.

143
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:46,160
How many of your
boyfriends are here?

144
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:48,680
Not many. A few, a few.

145
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,920
What about...
What about the bald one?

146
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:57,040
Oh, Colin. My mum liked him.
Did she? No Colin, Colin's not here.

147
00:07:57,280 --> 00:08:01,040
What about that one that
was friends with the Queen?

148
00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:02,720
Sorry?

149
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:05,400
Friends with the Queen
He's friends with the Queen

150
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:08,840
you know,
he's friends with the Queen.

151
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:11,440
He's a guest of her majesty.

152
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:17,440
Right. Right.
No, he's... He's not here.

153
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:19,920
Is he at Buckingham Palace?

154
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,760
No, he's not at Buckingham Palace.

155
00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:28,640
My mummy didn't like him.

156
00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:33,480
So, your mummy and daddy were
discussing my taste in boyfriends,
were they?

157
00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:35,400
Yes.

158
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:37,040
Right.

159
00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:41,120
Who's Ulrika?

160
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:46,960
I don't know what I would do if I
was attacked by a polar bear, Ben.

161
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:50,200
Bleed to death probably.
Now, come on, sit there.
Space by your Mother.

162
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:53,000
-No, there isn't. -Yes, there is.
-No there isn't, look. -There's a space.

163
00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:56,440
-There's quite obviously a space next
to you. Come on, Ben.
-Why next to me?

164
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:04,120
This is brings back so many
memories of my wedding day.

165
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:08,240
A crowded church,
everyone in their finery.

166
00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:12,760
And Jane. Oh, Jane. So beautiful.

167
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,840
Breathtaking she was.

168
00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:18,280
Dad...

169
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,880
Mum's name was Joan.

170
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:27,280
I know, but she had this gorgeous
friend called Jane. Real stunner.

171
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:31,880
I can't believe that you...
that you just...

172
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:35,200
Just because you're getting
married doesn't mean you stop
admiring beautiful women.

173
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,800
But that's just... At the altar?

174
00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:40,960
Oh, come on.
It's just what men are like...

175
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:45,600
So, you promise
to love him forever and ever,

176
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:48,520
but how do you know that's true?

177
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:52,040
I just know.
I love Derek. That's all there is.

178
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:55,880
So you didn't love any of those
other boyfriends, like the bald one,

179
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:58,280
and the one that was friends
with the Queen?

180
00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:03,480
Well. I suppose at the time,
you think you love them...

181
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:07,400
Then it turns out that you
were wrong all those times.

182
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:09,240
Yes.

183
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:12,000
But you're right this time.

184
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:15,600
-Yes.
-And that's happy and good.

185
00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:17,960
That is happy and good.

186
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:25,600
Why has Jesus got that
sad expression on his face?

187
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:28,040
Well, he's being...

188
00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:32,480
crucified and
it's making him feel sad.

189
00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:36,560
He's got nails in his hands.
He should be going, "Aargh".

190
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:39,560
-Ben, sssh!
-Well, he should.

191
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:43,080
-Soppy old Jesus.
-Ben! Please!

192
00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:45,440
-It's not realistic.
-Would you just...

193
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:51,040
Hey look, it's Angela!
She's made it, isn't that brilliant?

194
00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:53,960
Oh, yeah. That's...
That's brilliant.

195
00:10:54,040 --> 00:11:00,120
Hi! Hi, Pete! Hiya, Dad, Sue.

196
00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:02,560
Hi, Jake. Hi, Ben.

197
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:05,240
-I'm so sad.
-Ben!

198
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:10,000
-He hasn't changed, I see.
-It's fantastic you could make it.

199
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:12,200
It's just a whistle-stop tour,
I'm afraid.

200
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:14,520
My boss can't spare me for long.

201
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:16,720
Course not, no.

202
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:18,240
Come here.

203
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:22,360
-How long have you known Derek?
-Ten months.

204
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:26,440
-That's not a very long time.
-Oh, look! What a lovely staircase.

205
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:31,240
My mummy and daddy don't
live together any more.

206
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:33,520
Mummy said that on their wedding day,

207
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:36,680
she thought he was the most
wonderful man on the planet.

208
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:40,280
Now she just cries all the time.

209
00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:44,480
Here we go, sweetheart. All set?

210
00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:47,240
BRIDAL CHORUS PLAYS ON CHURCH ORGAN

211
00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:57,760
Julie's got tears in her eyes.

212
00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:01,200
Well. It's an emotional day.

213
00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:24,400
-Who's that?
-No idea.

214
00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:26,200
PETE: This is our table.

215
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,600
They've put Ben and Karen
on a children's table.

216
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:30,640
-Result!
-Is it?

217
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,200
Ben is on a children's table.

218
00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:35,320
With other children.

219
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,480
Look, you can't be
a helicopter parent.

220
00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:42,040
You just hover around him all the
time. You don't give him any space.
He'll be fine!

221
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,640
More of a sort of jump-jet
parent, if anything.

222
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:48,040
I like to just get in there quickly
and sort stuff out.

223
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:49,960
ANGELA: My God, it's you, Howard!

224
00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:51,720
Oh, hello Vicar!

225
00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:56,840
Here it comes,
the attention-seeking missile.

226
00:12:56,920 --> 00:13:01,120
-Look, Sue. This...
-This is Julie's big day, I know.

227
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,880
All I was going to say is...

228
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:07,200
That I must stay in control.
Yes, I know that.

229
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:08,640
And you needn't worry,

230
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:11,040
because I have made a promise
to myself,

231
00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:15,160
and no matter how provoking
Angela gets,

232
00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:20,120
I am simply going
to choose to rise above it. OK?

233
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,680
-OK.
-OK. OK, sorted.

234
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:32,840
Well, she, eh...seems to be
on top of it, doesn't she?

235
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:34,720
Yeah.

236
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:37,800
-They're walking towards each other.
-I'm on it.

237
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:41,760
-Hi, Auntie Angela, hello.
-Hi, Jakey.

238
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:46,760
Nice table display.

239
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:50,400
Yes, yes, it's a...
it's a very nice table display.

240
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:53,240
I like a good old table display,
don't you?

241
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:55,400
If you're going to sit
on the children's table,

242
00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:59,920
no fighting, no drinking grown-up
drinks and no swearing. Understand?

243
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:01,600
Cause we're gonna trust you.

244
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:04,120
-Trust me?
-Yeah.

245
00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:05,960
You're going to trust me?

246
00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:09,320
Yes. Only, you mustn't arm-wrestle
this little girl

247
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,200
cos she only looks about three.

248
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:14,360
-Four.
-She's four.

249
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,480
-You all right, Pete?
-Erm...

250
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:44,480
-Yeah, Frank, yeah.
-The bride's certainly
putting it away.

251
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:47,640
Probably a case of
big match nerves, Frank.

252
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,960
Can I ask you another
question about the Bible?

253
00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:53,280
Erm. Well, of course you can, Ben.

254
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:57,880
King Herod sent out an order
to kill the baby Jesus, right?

255
00:14:57,960 --> 00:14:59,440
Right, yes, he did. Yep.

256
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:03,720
Well, why didn't Baby Jesus zap him?

257
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:09,160
Well, yes, I...
I suppose in theory he could have...

258
00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:11,040
zapped him, he...

259
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:18,000
Because Herod, was a tiny little
speck of nothing to Jesus,

260
00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:22,000
cause Jesus could have squashed
him with a hippopotamus or...

261
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:24,760
But Jesus was meek and mild.

262
00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:27,120
Well, yes, that's true, Karen.

263
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:31,760
And besides, he knew that
when King Herod got to Hell,

264
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:37,600
that God would roast him
until his eyeballs exploded.

265
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:44,320
And why has God only given us
fifteen thousand billion years
left to live,

266
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:48,960
before the sun dies?

267
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:53,240
-Sue, hi!
-Oh, hi!

268
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,440
So, how's things?

269
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:58,720
Ooh, things are good.
How're things with you?

270
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:00,480
Good, yeah.

271
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:04,800
-Are you still in Keely Road?
-Yeah, yeah, we are.

272
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:07,800
Are you, Are you still in?

273
00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:09,960
The same place, yeah.

274
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,400
-Have you got your kids with you?
-Yeah.

275
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:16,880
-What, all three?
-Yes.

276
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,120
Karen must be, what six?

277
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:25,680
Six, yes. Yes, how about you?
Have you got your...offspring?

278
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:29,560
Oh, yeah, he's around somewhere.
Have you got Pete with you?

279
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:33,560
-We'd love to meet him.
Oh, um... This is Pete. Hi.

280
00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:35,800
Pete this is...

281
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:38,600
Lovely, isn't it, this?

282
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,040
What they've done with this...

283
00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:44,440
And this is my dad and this is...

284
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:46,880
where you're sitting Dad, here.

285
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:49,240
Where are you sitting?

286
00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,360
Erm, on this table, with you.

287
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:56,560
Great! That's great,
because you're always worried

288
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,960
about who's gonna be on the table
with you at things like this.

289
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,440
We're gonna be OK
because we've got...

290
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,240
PAULA AND STEVE!

291
00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:07,520
Welcome, Paula and Steve!
Steve and Paula...

292
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,320
-So where do you know Sue from?
-Do you want to tell him or shall I?

293
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,040
You tell him, Paula.

294
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:16,640
Is Angela not on our table then?
Can't we do something about that?

295
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:20,120
It wouldn't be fair
to disrupt the seating plan, Frank.

296
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,320
A lot of work's gone into that.

297
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:27,920
When Jesus was a bit older,

298
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:31,280
and he was still being searched
by the Romans,

299
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:34,480
-why couldn't he shape shift...
-Shape shift?

300
00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:38,600
into a Roman, and then when
all the other Romans were asleep,

301
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:41,880
he could kill them so they
would stop searching for him.

302
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,200
Yes, well I doubt he would do that.

303
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:46,720
He wasn't a Power Ranger
or anything like that.

304
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,640
Can I ask you another one?

305
00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:50,560
Is this the last question?

306
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:52,080
-No.
-Oh, OK.

307
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:53,600
BEN: When Jesus...

308
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:55,800
So, who'd like some wine? Wine?

309
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:58,400
Oh, this is daft,
there must have been a mix-up.

310
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:00,400
I'll just swap this one.

311
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:04,240
I don't think it's fair to disrupt
the seating plan, it's...

312
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,520
Oh, I'm sure
they won't mind, anyway,

313
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:09,280
it'll be nicer if we're all
together, won't it?

314
00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:12,360
Yes. Be lovely.

315
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:17,600
Would Jesus forgive somebody
if they flew up to heaven
in a big rocket

316
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,640
and as soon
as he goes to heaven

317
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:22,400
he punches Jesus in the face,
and he beats Jesus up.

318
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:27,040
Would Jesus say,
"Oh, I forgive you", or would he...

319
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:30,560
or would he fight back, "Pittsh",
and knock that man out of heaven?

320
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,480
I just can't see a situation where
somebody would get into heaven,

321
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:37,000
-and... and...punch Jesus.
-And also, when I was...

322
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:39,840
The message in the Bible
is that we should forgive

323
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:44,800
and it was important that
Jesus died for us.
He died to save us all.

324
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:48,400
That's a bit selfish of humankind,
isn't it?

325
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:52,440
Well, couldn't he find another way,
like writing to tell them

326
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:56,320
to be a bit better otherwise
something bad's going to happen,
or like...

327
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,680
Oh, goodness! Erm, I really
must be going...

328
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,440
When Jesus was being crucified...

329
00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:03,680
-Actually, I've just realised
there's a few people
-Why didn't...

330
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:04,960
I must go and speak to.

331
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:09,640
he ask God to send a meteorite and
destroy the troops of the Romans...

332
00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:13,240
Well, it was the way that God chose.
He wanted to sacrifice his only son.

333
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,240
He wanted to show
how important it was.

334
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:18,040
He chose the most precious thing
in the world to him,

335
00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:20,960
and the most precious thing in the
world to him was Jesus.

336
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:24,400
And then why did he kill him?

337
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,360
So, have you got kids?

338
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:33,960
No. No, my lifestyle's never really
left any room for it, y'know?

339
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,000
I love my globetrotting too much.

340
00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:38,720
-Right.
-No, I couldn't do what Sue does.

341
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:42,360
Jesus says that you should
forgive everybody.

342
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,240
Yes, that's right. Sorry you are?

343
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:47,400
This is Mary,
my assistant bridesmaid.

344
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:49,160
OK. I'll be off.

345
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:54,600
What would Jesus do if someone stole
his mobile, would he forgive them?

346
00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:58,840
Yes, he'd forgive them,
you're right, well done, Ben.
Now I really must be going.

347
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:00,960
-Wait! One last question.
-Ok.

348
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:02,760
What would Jesus do,

349
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:05,480
if he was attacked by a polar bear?

350
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:09,000
He would zap him.

351
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:11,360
-He wouldn't zap him!
-That can't be true.

352
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:14,680
Because polar bears are extinct.
I didn't mean to upset you...

353
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:16,960
-You should know that!
-They're not,
they're endangered.

354
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:21,080
No because there's not much of polar
bears, but there's lots of us,

355
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:25,360
there's about five trillion
people in the whole world

356
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:30,880
and there's about five polar bears
in the whole world,

357
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:33,880
-and so we have to
look after them.
-All right so I...

358
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:37,040
If you went up to a group of
polar bears, the last ones
in the world,

359
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:39,440
and you said,
"Polar bears, I am on your team.

360
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:42,960
"Lets hunt down the humans", they
would pounce on you and kill you.

361
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:45,400
Probably but I'm never
gonna do that, am I?

362
00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:48,120
-You're being so stupid.
-There's no need for that, Ben.

363
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:49,680
No, I am not, Benny!

364
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:53,520
-Dummy!
-No shouting, no shouting.
Calm down please, children!

365
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:55,960
No, I couldn't do what Sue does.

366
00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:57,840
I mean I really take my hat off
to her,

367
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:02,200
looking after Pete and the kids,
day in, day out,

368
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:07,440
I mean, always having
to play second banana
as it were. I couldn't do that.

369
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:12,200
No, I've got huge admiration
for my little sister.

370
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:17,800
She's like this lovely
supermum and what am I, eh?

371
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,280
Well...

372
00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:24,640
Each to their own, eh?

373
00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:26,920
-Absolutely...
-JAKE: Dad.

374
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:31,000
Life'd be pretty dull if
everybody led absolutely identical...
Dad.

375
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,120
I'm in the middle
of saying something, Jake.

376
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:36,240
Yes, but, Ben and Karen are
trying to bite each other.

377
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:38,120
Oh, shit.

378
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:40,760
It's OK, Vicar, I'll deal with it.

379
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,520
Come back here!

380
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:47,600
-I'm allergic to them!
-You are not allergic to peas.

381
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:51,280
No-one's allergic to peas, no-one
in the world is allergic to peas.

382
00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:56,720
How do you know, because you...
you haven't asked the people,

383
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,960
even if you did I know
you'd be lying

384
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:04,040
because you can't speak Indian,
you can't speak Japanese...

385
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:07,400
you can't speak Australian
or any of that.

386
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:10,360
There was a survey by
the Pea Marketing Board.

387
00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:13,200
-Look, just eat the peas, please.
-No, no, no... but, but, but, but...

388
00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:15,880
CHILDREN LAUGH

389
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:21,880
Ben! Ben, you can't dip sardines
in the chocolate fountain.

390
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:24,320
BEN: Yes, you can! Look!

391
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,920
See! He can!

392
00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:32,440
Dad! It's through the double doors.

393
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:44,200
Dad's memory seems quite a lot worse.

394
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,560
Well, it is
a degenerative illness, so...

395
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:52,120
-Sooner or later he's going to
have to move out of that house.
-I'm well aware of that.

396
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:55,360
Have you started looking into
sheltered accommodation and stuff?

397
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:57,560
We will, when the time comes.

398
00:22:57,680 --> 00:23:00,160
There's no point
going into denial about it.

399
00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:04,280
Perhaps you'd like to come back from
America and look after him.

400
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:07,520
Like you once said you would.

401
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:10,960
Oh, yes, here we go.
I was wondering how long it would...

402
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:13,440
Look, I just don't want to have
an argument with you.

403
00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:16,920
Let's not spoil the day.
It would be a shame.

404
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:21,480
Yes. We've made a pretty decent fist
of keeping things civilised,

405
00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:26,600
haven't we? Apart from the
seating arrangement hiccup.

406
00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:30,120
That was nothing to do with me.
Oh, come on, do you really think...

407
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:34,400
Believe what you like, I am just
not going to fight with you.

408
00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:37,760
Right, who wants a drink?
It's a cash bar now.

409
00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:42,600
The other bridesmaid's
got three pets. Can we get one?

410
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:44,120
-No.
-No.

411
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:48,920
You made a lovely bridesmaid, Karen?
Have you ever been a bridesmaid?

412
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,800
Yeah. A couple of times.
But never a bride.

413
00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:54,600
No.

414
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:56,320
Why?

415
00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:00,480
Well, I...
I wasn't as lucky as your mummy.

416
00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:05,040
I didn't want to say "yes"
to the first man who asked me.

417
00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:11,880
Well...

418
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:14,480
We'd best be making tracks.

419
00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:16,680
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

420
00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:19,480
You got to allow for the A3
this time of night.

421
00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:21,160
MOBILE RINGS

422
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:22,440
Hello?

423
00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:26,640
Lovely to see you, Paula and Steve.
See you! Yeah, drive safely.

424
00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:29,720
Could you get Karen
to the car, and, erm...

425
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:31,800
and could you round up Ben on the way?

426
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:33,960
Cos I'm going to say goodbye
to Cousin Julie.

427
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:37,240
-Bye.
-Bye.

428
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:41,520
-I'm just popping out
for my nicotine fix.
-Oh, OK.

429
00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:47,640
Sorry... We're going to
head off now,

430
00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:50,880
so I just thought I'd come and say
thank you for a really lovely do,

431
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:53,680
and thanks for making Karen
a bridesmaid, she's...

432
00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:57,080
-She certainly threw herself into it.
-Yes, she's that kind of kid.

433
00:24:57,160 --> 00:25:00,280
She gave me the old third degree
about my boyfriends.

434
00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:01,760
Oh, sorry.

435
00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:05,680
Yeah, she seemed to know
quite a lot about most of them.

436
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:07,840
Well, you know what girls
that age are like.

437
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:12,520
Oh, yes, I do. Full of questions,
like, "Who's Ulrika?"

438
00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:17,280
-Well, we better be making tracks.
-Nice that Angela could make it.

439
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:20,160
-Yes, really...
-Yes, she and I
had a good old chinwag.

440
00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:21,520
Did you?

441
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:23,400
-About your kids, mostly.
-Really?

442
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,600
-You know what she's like.
-Yeah.

443
00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:27,640
-Don't you want to
know what she said?
-No.

444
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:30,320
She said Jake is probably gay,

445
00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:32,240
because he's obsessed
with floral displays,

446
00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:36,080
she thinks Karen is spoilt
and manipulative,

447
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:39,440
and she thinks that Ben
is a trainee psychotic.

448
00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:42,640
-Right.
-And Pete is
"weaker than a nun's piss".

449
00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:47,720
Isn't that a funny expression?
"Weaker than a nun's piss".

450
00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:51,760
OK, well, thanks again
for everything.

451
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,440
No, thank you.

452
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:58,840
-Very nice to meet you...
-All set?

453
00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:01,400
-Yeah, I...
-Won't be a second.

454
00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:03,840
I'm so sorry you had to
separate our children.

455
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:07,880
Oh, no problem, no problem.
They really are
a lively pair, aren't they?

456
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:09,400
-Lively, they are.
-Yes.

457
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:11,800
-Yeah.
-Yes, I'm still pondering
the question,

458
00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:14,320
"Is Jesus vulnerable to kryptonite?"

459
00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:16,840
-Anyway, thank you very much
for a lovely service.
-Thanks again.

460
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:18,320
-Ready?
-Yeah.

461
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:19,880
-Bye.
-Bye.

462
00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:26,880
Mum, do you know jail?

463
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,520
Yes, I know jail.

464
00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:32,680
Well, is it just like
a big naughty step?

465
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:37,160
Yeah, that's exactly what it is.
Yeah.

466
00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:41,600
-But only with walls and dogs.
-Yeah.

467
00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:43,520
PETE: Back up to bed. No, Ben, no!

468
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:45,080
-Let me pass.
-No Ben!

469
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:47,080
Why can't I watch the football?

470
00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:50,000
Because it is late.
Come on up you go.

471
00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:53,000
But I've been on my
best behaviour all day long.

472
00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:58,240
You were specifically told
"no fighting, no swearing
and no drinking alcohol",

473
00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:01,240
and I caught you bashing that kid's
head on the floor and shouting,

474
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:03,440
"Don't touch my bloody beer".
Come on.

475
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:06,520
-But he was disrespecting me.
-Come on, back to bed.

476
00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:10,640
If you went to jail would they
let you come home at night?

477
00:27:11,120 --> 00:27:14,480
I'm not going to go to jail!
what made you think of that?

478
00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:18,000
If you went up to somebody
in the street and punched them,

479
00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:19,920
would you go to jail?

480
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:23,760
Well...erm, probably.

481
00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:30,480
If you went up and kicked
somebody would you go to jail?

482
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:32,000
Kicked somebody?

483
00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:33,680
Right up the bottom.

484
00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:36,120
Right, OK.

485
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:42,040
A. I'm not going to go to jail
for kicking Auntie Angela because...

486
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:44,360
she asked for it.

487
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:47,560
Who'd ask for somebody to kick them
right up the bottom?

488
00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:51,520
and B. We're not going
to tell anybody, are we?

489
00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:54,600
Because it would just upset Daddy
and Granddad,

490
00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:57,280
so they don't need to know,
do they, hmm?

491
00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:02,240
Now, let's talk
about something else.

492
00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:06,520
All right. Let's talk about
getting a pet.

493
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:11,240
Murderer!

494
00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:14,920
-Hi Sue
-Shut it you little...
Shut up you little bloody idiot.

495
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:17,720
You can't have mice in the house.
Can you? They're dirty and they smell.

496
00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:19,280
So does Ben.

497
00:28:19,360 --> 00:28:22,280
-They run around the house
and they poo everywhere.
-So does Ben.

498
00:28:22,360 --> 00:28:26,080
-I wonder if you could possibly
have Alexis this evening.
-We're going out.

499
00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:30,080
-So are we in a lot of money trouble then?
-I know how we can save money.

500
00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:32,600
By not buying broccoli.

501
00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:34,600
You're almost spitting up aren't you?