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- 0
- 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:15,000
- INDOXXI
- Support dengan like & share :)
- 1
- 00:00:06,297 --> 00:00:08,299
- [whimsical music plays]
- 2
- 00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:19,728
- [crowd cheers]
- 3
- 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:24,440
- Yes!
- 4
- 00:00:33,366 --> 00:00:36,244
- Thank you so much, Chicago.
- 5
- 00:00:39,789 --> 00:00:41,207
- Thank you.
- 6
- 00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,551
- I used to do something a lot of comics do.
- 7
- 00:00:51,634 --> 00:00:55,805
- I would blame my disgusting behavior
- on the city I was in.
- 8
- 00:00:56,431 --> 00:00:57,791
- You know how people would be like,
- 9
- 00:00:57,849 --> 00:01:02,145
- "Chicago, you got me so fucked up
- last night!" You know?
- 10
- 00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:05,940
- And the crowd was like,
- "Okay. We were not here last night."
- 11
- 00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:07,192
- [laughter]
- 12
- 00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:08,735
- "Denver!
- 13
- 00:01:08,818 --> 00:01:12,113
- You made me fuck that stranger, no condom.
- You're crazy, Denver!"
- 14
- 00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:13,364
- [laughter]
- 15
- 00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:16,826
- "Armed robbery?
- 16
- 00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:18,411
- Philly, you silly."
- 17
- 00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:19,662
- [laughter]
- 18
- 00:01:22,540 --> 00:01:24,793
- "No, ma'am. We are concerned for you."
- 19
- 00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:27,837
- That's all over now.
- 20
- 00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:30,965
- Because I'm fucking pregnant!
- 21
- 00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:33,009
- - [crowd cheering]
- - [whoops]
- 22
- 00:01:33,843 --> 00:01:35,845
- [applause]
- 23
- 00:01:36,012 --> 00:01:37,013
- Yeah, I did it.
- 24
- 00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:40,183
- I'm amazing.
- 25
- 00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:41,810
- [laughter]
- 26
- 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,562
- I laid there, and...
- 27
- 00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:47,064
- that's it.
- 28
- 00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:48,525
- [laughter]
- 29
- 00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:54,322
- Usually, when someone in the public eye
- gets pregnant,
- 30
- 00:01:54,405 --> 00:01:56,074
- there's, like, a couple of months
- 31
- 00:01:56,157 --> 00:01:58,493
- where there's some rumors about them,
- you know?
- 32
- 00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:01,204
- There's some, like, "Oop, bump alert!"
- 33
- 00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:02,287
- Right?
- 34
- 00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:04,624
- Uh-oh. Uh...
- 35
- 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:09,045
- I was well into my second trimester.
- 36
- 00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:10,964
- [laughter]
- 37
- 00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:16,010
- Not one fucking rumor about me. Nothing.
- 38
- 00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:17,387
- [laughter]
- 39
- 00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:20,306
- I was photographed.
- 40
- 00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:24,602
- Belly out. They're like, "There's Amy!"
- 41
- 00:02:25,019 --> 00:02:26,187
- [laughter]
- 42
- 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,275
- "Looking happy. I don't know.
- 43
- 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:34,988
- Doing her." And then so once people knew,
- they were like, "Is she showing?"
- 44
- 00:02:35,071 --> 00:02:37,782
- They were like,
- "No more than normal. Kinda...
- 45
- 00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:39,033
- [laughter]
- 46
- 00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:42,203
- It just kinda looks like
- she took her Spanx off."
- 47
- 00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:43,872
- [laughter]
- 48
- 00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:50,795
- There are all these rules about pregnancy
- that are unsaid.
- 49
- 00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:53,137
- Where is it written
- that when you're pregnant,
- 50
- 00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,466
- you have to cup your little bump
- 51
- 00:02:55,925 --> 00:02:57,635
- in every picture?
- 52
- 00:02:57,719 --> 00:03:00,346
- It's so obnoxious, guys. Every picture.
- 53
- 00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:01,514
- Here...
- 54
- 00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:04,726
- It's all right.
- Some people do the two hand.
- 55
- 00:03:06,060 --> 00:03:07,228
- [laughter]
- 56
- 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,229
- I was like, okay, fuck it.
- 57
- 00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:13,234
- I'll do it, but I'm going to do it
- for the rest of my life.
- 58
- 00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:14,903
- [laughter]
- 59
- 00:03:15,069 --> 00:03:18,823
- I'm going to be 90 years old like this,
- with a cigarette in my mouth like...
- 60
- 00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:26,206
- I do it. I cup the bump...
- 61
- 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,125
- in pictures,
- but I just do it a little bit lower.
- 62
- 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,293
- I just go right here.
- 63
- 00:03:30,376 --> 00:03:31,544
- [laughter]
- 64
- 00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:37,884
- 'Cause this is the area that got me
- in trouble in the first place.
- 65
- 00:03:37,967 --> 00:03:39,135
- [laughter]
- 66
- 00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:44,265
- All the questions everyone...
- "What are you having?
- 67
- 00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:45,642
- Do you know what you're having?"
- 68
- 00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:46,935
- Hemorrhoids.
- 69
- 00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:48,353
- [laughter]
- 70
- 00:03:50,271 --> 00:03:51,940
- Any other questions?
- 71
- 00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:57,904
- Why do they ask, "What are you craving?
- What are you craving?
- 72
- 00:03:57,987 --> 00:03:59,113
- Are you craving anything?"
- 73
- 00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:00,323
- Cock!
- 74
- 00:04:00,823 --> 00:04:01,991
- [laughter]
- 75
- 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,667
- [laughter]
- 76
- 00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:13,461
- Just me and my angel.
- 77
- 00:04:17,548 --> 00:04:20,593
- People always want to see the bump.
- That's like the thing.
- 78
- 00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:23,429
- "Just show me that fucking bump, bitch."
- 79
- 00:04:24,847 --> 00:04:29,727
- And my belly button is getting
- so misshapen with this baby inside
- 80
- 00:04:29,811 --> 00:04:32,897
- that IÂ had to put two Band-Aids
- over my belly button tonight.
- 81
- 00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:34,983
- [crowd cheering]
- 82
- 00:04:38,069 --> 00:04:40,280
- [cheering and applause]
- 83
- 00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:43,408
- That's more than you bargained for, right?
- 84
- 00:04:48,037 --> 00:04:51,249
- Somebody's neglecting their bikini area.
- 85
- 00:04:51,332 --> 00:04:52,500
- [laughter]
- 86
- 00:04:55,753 --> 00:04:56,753
- I...
- 87
- 00:04:57,338 --> 00:05:02,135
- I'll tell you who it's not fun to be
- pregnant at the exact same time as.
- 88
- 00:05:03,469 --> 00:05:04,846
- Meghan Markle.
- 89
- 00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:06,180
- [laughter]
- 90
- 00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:11,769
- I think we're, like, to the day
- the same amount pregnant.
- 91
- 00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:15,940
- And she's out there
- in, like, six-inch heels,
- 92
- 00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:19,527
- adorable outfits, and she has like...
- There's been no bump.
- 93
- 00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:20,528
- Like, there's been...
- 94
- 00:05:20,611 --> 00:05:24,240
- She, like, cups where the bump will be,
- you know. She's like...
- 95
- 00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:25,908
- [singsong] "Here.
- 96
- 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:28,077
- Here's where the baby will be."
- 97
- 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,329
- [laughter]
- 98
- 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,837
- People see me, they're like, "The last
- couple of weeks are the hardest, right?
- 99
- 00:05:37,962 --> 00:05:39,130
- [laughter]
- 100
- 00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:43,259
- Are you crowning?
- I think I can see an ear.
- 101
- 00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,469
- Is that an ear?"
- 102
- 00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:45,762
- [laughter]
- 103
- 00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:50,850
- If I were Meghan Markle...
- 104
- 00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:53,186
- and I am...
- 105
- 00:05:53,644 --> 00:05:54,812
- [laughter]
- 106
- 00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:58,816
- 'Cause she hangs out with the Queen now.
- 107
- 00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,735
- Like, they hang out
- and have conversations.
- 108
- 00:06:00,818 --> 00:06:01,818
- If I were Meghan,
- 109
- 00:06:02,236 --> 00:06:03,654
- no matter what the Queen asked me,
- 110
- 00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:07,283
- and I can't do a great British accent,
- but, you know, if she said something like,
- 111
- 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,369
- [exaggerated British accent] "La, la, la.
- 112
- 00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:10,661
- [laughter]
- 113
- 00:06:11,454 --> 00:06:13,623
- Oh! Pip-pip!
- 114
- 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,960
- Would you like a spot of lemon?" Like
- probably exactly that, she probably says.
- 115
- 00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:19,212
- [laughter]
- 116
- 00:06:20,671 --> 00:06:21,672
- No matter what,
- 117
- 00:06:22,256 --> 00:06:24,526
- if I were Meghan, I would answer
- everything she asks with,
- 118
- 00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:26,594
- "Yas, Queen!
- 119
- 00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:27,887
- [laughter]
- 120
- 00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:29,722
- Yas."
- 121
- 00:06:32,016 --> 00:06:35,728
- I just came so close to shitting myself.
- You guys don't...
- 122
- 00:06:35,853 --> 00:06:37,021
- [laughter]
- 123
- 00:06:39,148 --> 00:06:43,069
- This special almost became a real special.
- That would have...
- 124
- 00:06:43,194 --> 00:06:44,362
- [laughter]
- 125
- 00:06:44,946 --> 00:06:47,615
- What would I have done?
- Kind of just kicked it, and...
- 126
- 00:06:47,698 --> 00:06:48,866
- [laughter]
- 127
- 00:06:49,033 --> 00:06:52,412
- trusted that you guys would be cool.
- Is that what I would have done?
- 128
- 00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:57,458
- I have not had an easy pregnancy.
- 129
- 00:06:57,542 --> 00:07:01,087
- I have hyperemesis,
- which I'd never even heard of.
- 130
- 00:07:01,170 --> 00:07:03,172
- It's extreme nausea and vomiting.
- 131
- 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:06,092
- If you've ever had food poisoning,
- it's that.
- 132
- 00:07:06,175 --> 00:07:09,095
- I've had that every day for five months.
- 133
- 00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:13,766
- No, and people are like,
- "You're so strong. Look at you out there.
- 134
- 00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:14,934
- You're on the road."
- 135
- 00:07:15,017 --> 00:07:18,354
- I'm contractually obligated
- to be out here, guys.
- 136
- 00:07:18,479 --> 00:07:19,647
- [laughter]
- 137
- 00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:23,776
- I'm not like, "I don't care.
- The show must go on."
- 138
- 00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:26,737
- I'm like,
- "I will be sued by Live Nation."
- 139
- 00:07:27,196 --> 00:07:28,781
- [laughter]
- 140
- 00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:31,868
- That's why I'm here.
- 141
- 00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:34,120
- [applause, crowd whooping]
- 142
- 00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:40,626
- But I feel pretty good tonight,
- to be honest with you, so...
- 143
- 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:42,712
- [crowd cheers]
- 144
- 00:07:42,795 --> 00:07:44,505
- I didn't throw up today.
- 145
- 00:07:44,922 --> 00:07:46,549
- [crowd whooping]
- 146
- 00:07:47,508 --> 00:07:52,013
- Uh... Yeah, but I didn't know that being
- pregnant could be really hard. Like...
- 147
- 00:07:52,513 --> 00:07:56,601
- I didn't know that
- because you bitches all lie about it.
- 148
- 00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:57,894
- [laughter]
- 149
- 00:07:58,644 --> 00:08:01,772
- Women don't tell you how hard it is.
- 150
- 00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:05,109
- I should have Googled it.
- I should have Googled being pregnant.
- 151
- 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:09,614
- 'Cause it's been really awful.
- 'Cause in movies, they don't show you.
- 152
- 00:08:09,697 --> 00:08:12,533
- There's just a montage where the girl's
- in her office and she's typing,
- 153
- 00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:13,618
- and then she's like...
- 154
- 00:08:13,701 --> 00:08:14,701
- [imitates gagging]
- 155
- 00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:17,788
- And she runs to the bathroom,
- she throws up once!
- 156
- 00:08:18,122 --> 00:08:19,165
- [laughter]
- 157
- 00:08:19,248 --> 00:08:22,210
- And then in the next scene,
- she's in overalls painting a barn.
- 158
- 00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:24,212
- Like, "Yay!"
- 159
- 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,672
- - [giggling]
- - [crowd laughs]
- 160
- 00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:29,091
- ♪ I can't wait to meet you ♪
- 161
- 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:30,175
- You know?
- 162
- 00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:35,556
- I throw up an exorcist amount every day.
- 163
- 00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:39,352
- And I feel like,
- 164
- 00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:41,646
- you know, if you had a good pregnancy,
- 165
- 00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:43,689
- if you're someone
- who enjoyed being pregnant,
- 166
- 00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,609
- I just hope your car flips over. That's...
- 167
- 00:08:46,734 --> 00:08:48,361
- [laughter]
- 168
- 00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,446
- That's what I wish for you.
- 169
- 00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:56,202
- Your car kind of Chappaquiddicks
- into a lake, and you just kinda...
- 170
- 00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:57,537
- [laughter]
- 171
- 00:08:57,787 --> 00:08:58,996
- ...slowly...
- 172
- 00:08:59,830 --> 00:09:00,830
- drown.
- 173
- 00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:04,752
- Is that fair to say?
- Because here's the thing.
- 174
- 00:09:04,835 --> 00:09:06,629
- You're pregnant, but you don't change.
- 175
- 00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:12,510
- I hate women who start to act really
- just precious and like, "Yes, now I'm...
- 176
- 00:09:12,593 --> 00:09:14,470
- I'm a saint, and I never...
- 177
- 00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:17,848
- I never had sex in a bathroom
- on a train," you know?
- 178
- 00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:19,350
- [laughter]
- 179
- 00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:22,520
- We've all had sex
- in the bathroom on a train.
- 180
- 00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:26,357
- [chuckles]
- You don't stop being you, you know.
- 181
- 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:30,152
- You don't stop working or drinking.
- Like, you...
- 182
- 00:09:30,486 --> 00:09:31,654
- [laughter]
- 183
- 00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:34,239
- You know?
- 184
- 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:39,078
- I've gotten in the habit of asking, uh,
- 185
- 00:09:39,161 --> 00:09:42,707
- friends' recommendations and advice
- about pregnancy
- 186
- 00:09:42,790 --> 00:09:44,584
- until I get the answer IÂ want.
- 187
- 00:09:45,793 --> 00:09:47,169
- You know what I mean?
- 188
- 00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:49,463
- I asked my most responsible friend,
- she's a nurse.
- 189
- 00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:51,966
- I was like, "So, wine...
- 190
- 00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:53,384
- what do you think?
- 191
- 00:09:53,467 --> 00:09:56,929
- Should I just have some,
- or what do you think?
- 192
- 00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,556
- While I'm pregnant. Wine?
- 193
- 00:09:58,639 --> 00:10:00,433
- Definitely have some,
- or what do you think?"
- 194
- 00:10:00,516 --> 00:10:01,516
- And...
- 195
- 00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:05,605
- And she was like,
- "You know what? Just skip it.
- 196
- 00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:08,024
- Just be safe, you know?" And I was like,
- 197
- 00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:10,818
- "Yes, that's what I thought,
- 198
- 00:10:11,485 --> 00:10:15,615
- but I wanted to hear you say it,
- so now I'll tell other people
- 199
- 00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:19,327
- not to drink ever while they're pregnant.
- Thank you." Huh!
- 200
- 00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:21,245
- Good.
- 201
- 00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:23,331
- [blows raspberry]
- That's done with. And then...
- 202
- 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:24,790
- [laughter]
- 203
- 00:10:25,541 --> 00:10:29,503
- You know, and then I asked, like, a little
- more lenient of a friend. I'm like...
- 204
- 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:34,508
- "Hey, what are your thoughts
- on drinking wine while you're pregnant?"
- 205
- 00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:38,638
- She's like, "A glass a week is fine.
- Like, that's probably fine."
- 206
- 00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:42,475
- I'm like, "That's better.
- That makes sense. That's good.
- 207
- 00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:43,934
- [laughter]
- 208
- 00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:46,604
- You're smart." And then...
- 209
- 00:10:47,938 --> 00:10:51,734
- Then you ask your kind of biggest
- dirtbag, deadbeat friend, you know?
- 210
- 00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:53,194
- [laughter]
- 211
- 00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:57,782
- She's like, "Once you start getting, like,
- fucked up, stop drinking." I'm like...
- 212
- 00:10:57,865 --> 00:11:00,076
- [imitates bell ringing]
- 213
- 00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:02,953
- Mm-hmm!
- 214
- 00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:04,497
- [laughter]
- 215
- 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,084
- No, I haven't even wanted...
- 216
- 00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:10,544
- [voice breaking] wine.
- 217
- 00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:14,173
- That's how I know this baby is not mine.
- 218
- 00:11:14,548 --> 00:11:15,716
- [laughter]
- 219
- 00:11:17,426 --> 00:11:19,011
- This baby is a lie.
- 220
- 00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:22,390
- No, it's mine, and...
- 221
- 00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:26,936
- I'm pretty sure
- the guy who got me pregnant
- 222
- 00:11:27,436 --> 00:11:30,356
- is my husband 'cause I got married, yay!
- 223
- 00:11:30,439 --> 00:11:32,149
- [crowd cheering]
- 224
- 00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:35,111
- ♪ To the luckiest boy in the world ♪
- 225
- 00:11:37,279 --> 00:11:41,450
- I married a chef
- because I'm a fucking genius.
- 226
- 00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:45,037
- [crowd laughing, cheering]
- 227
- 00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:47,957
- Right?
- 228
- 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,458
- Do you guys like food?
- 229
- 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:53,087
- That's what he makes.
- 230
- 00:11:53,170 --> 00:11:54,338
- [laughter]
- 231
- 00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:55,631
- Yeah. I love it.
- 232
- 00:11:56,632 --> 00:11:59,009
- Marrying a chef, it's like a little
- on-the-nose for me.
- 233
- 00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:01,303
- It's kind of like Snoop marrying weed.
- 234
- 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:02,847
- [laughter]
- 235
- 00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:11,188
- I love him. It's real. Um...
- 236
- 00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:13,607
- The proposal was wack.
- 237
- 00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:14,775
- Uh...
- 238
- 00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:18,237
- He proposed to me in the morning.
- 239
- 00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:22,658
- That's, like, when people
- in a nursing home get engaged. Like...
- 240
- 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:23,951
- [laughter]
- 241
- 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:29,290
- Not, like, at sunrise. I was still asleep.
- I was sleeping,
- 242
- 00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:32,042
- and I sleep like I'm still in the womb.
- 243
- 00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:34,211
- Earplugs, eye mask...
- 244
- 00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:37,047
- my mom's legs around my shoulders. Like...
- 245
- 00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:38,299
- [laughter]
- 246
- 00:12:39,049 --> 00:12:41,093
- You know? Recreate.
- 247
- 00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,887
- Every morning, I'm born and...
- 248
- 00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:46,807
- So I'm...
- 249
- 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,560
- in the womb, and he comes in,
- 250
- 00:12:50,227 --> 00:12:52,897
- and I just took one ear plug out.
- I was like...
- 251
- 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:58,444
- And he kind of threw the ring box at me,
- and he goes, "I got you this."
- 252
- 00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:02,239
- And I open it, and...
- 253
- 00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:03,324
- And he goes,
- 254
- 00:13:03,407 --> 00:13:06,035
- "Do you want me to get down on one knee?"
- and I was like,
- 255
- 00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:07,745
- "I guess not."
- 256
- 00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:09,413
- [laughter]
- 257
- 00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:11,832
- And then I went back to sleep.
- 258
- 00:13:12,249 --> 00:13:13,417
- [laughter]
- 259
- 00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:18,047
- That's the truth. That's a real ass
- proposal, though. That's like a real...
- 260
- 00:13:18,547 --> 00:13:19,547
- You know?
- 261
- 00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:22,259
- 'Cause, like, in movies and TV shows,
- 262
- 00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:24,887
- the guy always gets down on one knee,
- right?
- 263
- 00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:26,889
- And the girl's always shocked.
- 264
- 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,058
- [gasps]
- 265
- 00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:32,144
- "I didn't even know you liked me!
- 266
- 00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:33,395
- [laughter]
- 267
- 00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:36,106
- I'm still on Bumble. Like, this is..."
- 268
- 00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:37,399
- [laughter]
- 269
- 00:13:38,859 --> 00:13:39,860
- [chuckles]
- 270
- 00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:44,990
- Like, you didn't talk about...
- That's a very big decision...
- 271
- 00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:49,370
- to not talk about. I don't know any girl
- who got engaged that way.
- 272
- 00:13:49,745 --> 00:13:51,765
- I'm from New York.
- All my girlfriends are from New York.
- 273
- 00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:53,207
- We get married late there.
- 274
- 00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:57,962
- When you get engaged at 40, it's like,
- "Whoa, teen bride! Like, slow...
- 275
- 00:13:58,045 --> 00:13:59,255
- [laughter]
- 276
- 00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:04,510
- Slow it down. Get to know him."
- 277
- 00:14:08,889 --> 00:14:10,249
- I think there are only two reasons
- 278
- 00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:13,060
- you should get down on one knee
- if you're a guy.
- 279
- 00:14:13,143 --> 00:14:15,020
- If you're a player in the NFL...
- 280
- 00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,482
- [crowd cheering]
- 281
- 00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:25,322
- and to eat my pussy. Those are the two...
- 282
- 00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:27,700
- [cheering and applause]
- 283
- 00:14:28,033 --> 00:14:29,034
- Two reasons.
- 284
- 00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:32,705
- I mean, if the guy you're with
- 285
- 00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:37,877
- gets, like, synchronized swans
- to dance to Bruno Mars, you know?
- 286
- 00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:40,087
- He's gay.
- 287
- 00:14:40,504 --> 00:14:42,339
- [laughter]
- 288
- 00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:45,050
- That's a gay guy.
- 289
- 00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:51,807
- And, look, we all have a friend
- married to a gay guy. We do.
- 290
- 00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:53,142
- [laughter]
- 291
- 00:14:53,642 --> 00:14:56,312
- We do. You're probably here
- with a couple right now.
- 292
- 00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:57,605
- [laughter]
- 293
- 00:14:58,439 --> 00:15:01,275
- And they're like,
- "Talk about Meghan Markle more."
- 294
- 00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:03,569
- [laughter]
- 295
- 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,243
- We've had that experience, right?
- 296
- 00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:14,371
- When you meet the couple
- for the first time,
- 297
- 00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:16,999
- and then they leave,
- and then a couple of your friends,
- 298
- 00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:19,752
- you're taking each other's temperature.
- You're like...
- 299
- 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,546
- "Jeff was nice, right?"
- 300
- 00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:23,881
- [laughter]
- 301
- 00:15:23,964 --> 00:15:24,964
- "Yeah.
- 302
- 00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:27,301
- Yeah. Jeff was cool, yeah."
- 303
- 00:15:29,553 --> 00:15:32,306
- "You said he's a costume designer.
- He's a... Yeah."
- 304
- 00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:38,938
- And then finally someone's like,
- "Is Jeff gay?"
- 305
- 00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:41,023
- You're like, "Jeff is gay! Yes!"
- 306
- 00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:42,316
- [laughter]
- 307
- 00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:47,071
- And we all laugh at our friend.
- 308
- 00:15:47,154 --> 00:15:50,115
- "Hee-hee, she's married to a gay guy."
- But you know what?
- 309
- 00:15:50,532 --> 00:15:53,869
- Someone with hyperemesis
- who's five months pregnant,
- 310
- 00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:57,331
- you know who sounds like it would be fun
- to be married to right now?
- 311
- 00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:00,000
- Fucking Jeff.
- 312
- 00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:01,543
- [laughter]
- 313
- 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:04,129
- Get on one knee for Jeff.
- 314
- 00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,968
- I think... I don't want to jinx it.
- 315
- 00:16:09,051 --> 00:16:11,428
- I think I don't have to be
- a bridesmaid anymore.
- 316
- 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,890
- Yeah, I think I've done...
- I'm not making no new friends.
- 317
- 00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:18,227
- Everybody got married. I was the last one.
- 318
- 00:16:18,727 --> 00:16:22,606
- 'Cause when you get in your late 30s,
- there's just no dignity to it, you know?
- 319
- 00:16:23,732 --> 00:16:29,071
- It's like me in a Grecian gown
- with my aging cleavage and like...
- 320
- 00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:32,366
- a Coachella flower halo.
- 321
- 00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:33,450
- I'm just like...
- 322
- 00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:34,868
- [laughter]
- 323
- 00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:42,876
- Just hoping I'm not the bridesmaid
- with the biggest arm, you know?
- 324
- 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:43,960
- I'm like...
- 325
- 00:16:44,086 --> 00:16:45,254
- [laughter]
- 326
- 00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,132
- I hold my arm out.
- 327
- 00:16:51,802 --> 00:16:54,096
- 'Cause people used to get married
- in their early 20s.
- 328
- 00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:55,899
- You had a little
- 20-year-old bridesmaid arm.
- 329
- 00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:59,643
- You were holding your champagne like,
- "It's heavy!" [giggling]
- 330
- 00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:01,311
- [laughter]
- 331
- 00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:08,193
- Now it's just a sea of turkey legs,
- just... [blows raspberry]
- 332
- 00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:09,445
- [laughter]
- 333
- 00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:16,160
- Looks like the defensive line
- for the Bears are in the wedding.
- 334
- 00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:17,411
- [laughter]
- 335
- 00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,289
- - [laughs]
- - [crowd cheers, applauds]
- 336
- 00:17:25,794 --> 00:17:29,214
- I really respect you guys for coming out
- because if you follow me on Instagram,
- 337
- 00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:31,884
- you're probably like,
- "Is this bitch in the hospital?
- 338
- 00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:34,762
- Is she gonna be there?"
- 339
- 00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:37,389
- [cheering and applause]
- 340
- 00:17:38,348 --> 00:17:39,348
- Yeah.
- 341
- 00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:40,558
- I made it. I...
- 342
- 00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,145
- I've been hospitalized a couple of times
- 343
- 00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:46,315
- since I've been pregnant
- with hyperemesis and...
- 344
- 00:17:46,815 --> 00:17:48,108
- The very first time
- 345
- 00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:50,694
- was about a month ago, and...
- 346
- 00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,697
- I was throwing up for about five hours
- 347
- 00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:54,781
- when I...
- 348
- 00:17:55,532 --> 00:17:56,700
- was taken to the hospital.
- 349
- 00:17:57,284 --> 00:18:01,121
- The doctor came in, and he explained to me
- and my sister and my husband,
- 350
- 00:18:01,205 --> 00:18:03,207
- who were are all in the room. He said,
- 351
- 00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:06,349
- "You're going to be here
- for at least five hours getting liquids."
- 352
- 00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:10,089
- And without skipping a beat,
- my husband said to my sister,
- 353
- 00:18:10,172 --> 00:18:14,051
- "Okay, cool, because I saw a place
- where you can paint pottery nearby."
- 354
- 00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:15,677
- [laughter]
- 355
- 00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:19,139
- You guys are like, "Is he gay?"
- 356
- 00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:20,390
- [laughter]
- 357
- 00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:28,148
- So my sister didn't even, like, check in
- with me if it was cool that they left me.
- 358
- 00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:31,235
- As soon as he said "pottery,"
- they just left.
- 359
- 00:18:31,318 --> 00:18:32,861
- [laughter]
- 360
- 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:35,322
- And I was like, "I'll be here."
- 361
- 00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:42,579
- And about an hour and a half later,
- my sister rushed back in the room,
- 362
- 00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:44,081
- and she said, "Okay, listen.
- 363
- 00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:47,084
- Be nice to him about what he painted."
- 364
- 00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:48,836
- [laughter]
- 365
- 00:18:49,711 --> 00:18:50,711
- I'm like...
- 366
- 00:18:51,171 --> 00:18:52,047
- "Okay."
- 367
- 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,842
- She's like, "I'm serious.
- He worked really hard on it."
- 368
- 00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:56,093
- [laughter]
- 369
- 00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:01,764
- "Okay." She goes...
- 370
- 00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:05,060
- "And it's not very flattering."
- I'm like, "What?"
- 371
- 00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:10,649
- But my husband's brain
- is a little different.
- 372
- 00:19:12,025 --> 00:19:13,235
- 'Cause you go to these places,
- 373
- 00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:18,448
- you usually paint a teddy bear
- or a jewelry box, you know,
- 374
- 00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:21,160
- but my husband decided to...
- 375
- 00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,078
- to paint a plate...
- 376
- 00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:26,123
- which he would use as a canvas...
- 377
- 00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:28,458
- to paint me.
- 378
- 00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:30,127
- [laughter]
- 379
- 00:19:32,379 --> 00:19:34,298
- And I'm going to show you the picture.
- 380
- 00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:38,927
- I think it's important
- for you guys to see the picture. Um...
- 381
- 00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:43,265
- And I want to show you this,
- and IÂ want you to know
- 382
- 00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:46,935
- that there were no qualifiers
- before he showed me this picture.
- 383
- 00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:50,314
- He was sure it was pretty good.
- 384
- 00:19:50,397 --> 00:19:51,440
- [laughter]
- 385
- 00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:53,358
- This is the picture that he painted.
- 386
- 00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:56,945
- [crowd laughing loudly]
- 387
- 00:20:08,248 --> 00:20:10,500
- I was in the hospital, guys.
- 388
- 00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:17,007
- What is... I wanted to go,
- "What's with my chin on my neck?"
- 389
- 00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:20,052
- I look like Trump. Like, I look...
- 390
- 00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,345
- [laughter]
- 391
- 00:20:26,516 --> 00:20:28,977
- I couldn't say any of this to him, okay?
- 392
- 00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:33,106
- Get rid of it. People are leaving.
- This is upsetting.
- 393
- 00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:34,608
- This is an upsetting image.
- 394
- 00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:36,902
- I mean...
- 395
- 00:20:36,985 --> 00:20:39,529
- [cheering, whooping]
- 396
- 00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:42,241
- I had to comfort him.
- 397
- 00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:47,204
- [sighs]
- My husband is a really great sport.
- 398
- 00:20:47,537 --> 00:20:50,832
- You know? He really is.
- I keep messing with him.
- 399
- 00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:53,335
- Like, you know,
- I've had a tough pregnancy, so...
- 400
- 00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:57,214
- the other day, I was like, "Babe,
- this is kind of too hard for me.
- 401
- 00:20:57,297 --> 00:20:58,674
- I don't think I can do it."
- 402
- 00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:01,093
- [laughter]
- 403
- 00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:05,722
- And he's like, "What do you mean?"
- And I was like...
- 404
- 00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:08,600
- "What do you think I mean? I think I...
- 405
- 00:21:09,476 --> 00:21:10,936
- I need to get an abortion."
- 406
- 00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:12,521
- [laughter]
- 407
- 00:21:14,356 --> 00:21:16,233
- And this was his response. He went...
- 408
- 00:21:17,025 --> 00:21:18,235
- "Really?"
- 409
- 00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:19,611
- [laughter]
- 410
- 00:21:22,572 --> 00:21:24,908
- I was like, "No! What?"
- 411
- 00:21:25,033 --> 00:21:26,201
- [laughter]
- 412
- 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:28,912
- I'm going to announce it on Instagram,
- 413
- 00:21:28,996 --> 00:21:32,457
- and then I'm going to be like,
- "Actually, forget it. I don't like it.
- 414
- 00:21:32,624 --> 00:21:33,792
- [laughter]
- 415
- 00:21:34,501 --> 00:21:36,586
- I'm tired. I don't like it."
- 416
- 00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:41,383
- Thank God that was his response,
- you know?
- 417
- 00:21:42,342 --> 00:21:44,970
- What if he'd been like,
- "Cool. I'll warm up the car."
- 418
- 00:21:45,053 --> 00:21:46,847
- [laughter]
- 419
- 00:21:52,352 --> 00:21:53,770
- I knew from the beginning
- 420
- 00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:56,690
- that my husband's brain
- was a little different than mine.
- 421
- 00:21:57,899 --> 00:21:59,609
- Um, and about...
- 422
- 00:22:00,944 --> 00:22:03,697
- I have to start this over
- 'cause I really want to get this right.
- 423
- 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:06,908
- Because I love him very much.
- 424
- 00:22:07,617 --> 00:22:08,617
- And...
- 425
- 00:22:09,411 --> 00:22:14,291
- My husband was diagnosed with
- what used to be called Asperger's.
- 426
- 00:22:14,374 --> 00:22:16,335
- He has autism spectrum disorder.
- 427
- 00:22:16,418 --> 00:22:18,045
- He's on the spectrum.
- 428
- 00:22:18,628 --> 00:22:19,628
- And...
- 429
- 00:22:19,921 --> 00:22:22,466
- there were some signs early on, like...
- 430
- 00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:26,928
- we went for a walk about a year ago,
- and I fell.
- 431
- 00:22:27,637 --> 00:22:30,599
- And kinda nine out of ten people would go,
- 432
- 00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:32,976
- "Oh, my God! Are you okay?"
- 433
- 00:22:35,020 --> 00:22:36,188
- [laughter]
- 434
- 00:22:36,563 --> 00:22:37,397
- Right?
- 435
- 00:22:37,481 --> 00:22:39,858
- Maybe more like ten out of ten people.
- 436
- 00:22:39,941 --> 00:22:41,109
- [laughter]
- 437
- 00:22:41,902 --> 00:22:43,904
- "Oh, my God! Are you okay?"
- 438
- 00:22:44,738 --> 00:22:46,782
- But instead, my husband went...
- 439
- 00:22:49,242 --> 00:22:51,453
- [laughter]
- 440
- 00:22:51,745 --> 00:22:55,874
- He kind of froze and became a lighthouse,
- opening and closing his mouth, just...
- 441
- 00:22:55,957 --> 00:22:58,502
- [silently mouthing]
- 442
- 00:22:58,668 --> 00:22:59,836
- [laughter]
- 443
- 00:23:01,046 --> 00:23:03,548
- And I remember lying on the ground
- looking up at him,
- 444
- 00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:05,467
- and I wasn't mad. I just thought,
- 445
- 00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:07,051
- "Huh!"
- 446
- 00:23:07,260 --> 00:23:09,221
- [laughter]
- 447
- 00:23:12,599 --> 00:23:14,893
- A lot of "huh" moments, you know?
- 448
- 00:23:18,855 --> 00:23:20,482
- And once he was diagnosed,
- 449
- 00:23:21,024 --> 00:23:23,944
- it dawned on me how funny it was
- because all of the characteristics
- 450
- 00:23:24,027 --> 00:23:25,779
- that make it clear
- that he's on the spectrum
- 451
- 00:23:25,862 --> 00:23:29,491
- are all of the reasons
- that I fell madly in love with him.
- 452
- 00:23:30,784 --> 00:23:31,785
- That's the truth.
- 453
- 00:23:31,868 --> 00:23:35,247
- [cheering and applause]
- 454
- 00:23:37,749 --> 00:23:41,211
- He says whatever is on his mind.
- 455
- 00:23:42,045 --> 00:23:43,880
- He keeps it so real, you know?
- 456
- 00:23:43,964 --> 00:23:49,594
- He doesn't care about social norms
- or what you expect him to say or do.
- 457
- 00:23:49,678 --> 00:23:51,304
- You know, if I say to him, like,
- 458
- 00:23:51,638 --> 00:23:53,223
- "Does this look like shit?" He'll go,
- 459
- 00:23:53,306 --> 00:23:56,852
- "Yeah. You have a lot of other clothes.
- Why don't you wear those?" I'm like...
- 460
- 00:23:56,935 --> 00:23:57,935
- [laughter]
- 461
- 00:23:57,978 --> 00:23:59,229
- "Okay."
- 462
- 00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:03,233
- [laughter]
- 463
- 00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:09,656
- But he can also make me feel
- more beautiful
- 464
- 00:24:09,739 --> 00:24:11,783
- than anyone ever has my whole life.
- 465
- 00:24:12,534 --> 00:24:14,077
- Yeah, it's true.
- 466
- 00:24:14,161 --> 00:24:16,163
- [cheering]
- 467
- 00:24:18,748 --> 00:24:20,250
- And he can't lie.
- 468
- 00:24:21,751 --> 00:24:24,671
- Is that the dream man,
- a guy who can't lie?
- 469
- 00:24:26,131 --> 00:24:29,885
- But that also means
- that he can't lie for me.
- 470
- 00:24:30,177 --> 00:24:31,344
- [laughter]
- 471
- 00:24:31,845 --> 00:24:35,056
- Which is an essential part
- of any relationship.
- 472
- 00:24:36,641 --> 00:24:39,102
- We're friends with this couple,
- and they broke up,
- 473
- 00:24:39,519 --> 00:24:42,772
- and the guy started dating a new girl
- pretty soon after,
- 474
- 00:24:42,856 --> 00:24:45,525
- and we happened to be at the party
- where they got together,
- 475
- 00:24:45,609 --> 00:24:48,278
- so I didn't rush to tell the ex-girlfriend
- what happened.
- 476
- 00:24:49,362 --> 00:24:52,240
- So a couple of months later,
- we had dinner with her, and she was like,
- 477
- 00:24:52,324 --> 00:24:55,785
- "And, you know, at that party,
- that's when they got together."
- 478
- 00:24:56,870 --> 00:24:57,913
- And I was like...
- 479
- 00:24:58,497 --> 00:24:59,748
- "No!
- 480
- 00:25:00,207 --> 00:25:01,374
- [laughter]
- 481
- 00:25:02,042 --> 00:25:03,418
- It's not possible."
- 482
- 00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:06,129
- And Chris goes...
- 483
- 00:25:06,922 --> 00:25:08,548
- "No, you remember."
- 484
- 00:25:08,632 --> 00:25:10,050
- [laughter]
- 485
- 00:25:15,222 --> 00:25:16,222
- [quietly] "No.
- 486
- 00:25:17,432 --> 00:25:18,475
- No, I don't."
- 487
- 00:25:18,558 --> 00:25:22,729
- "Yeah, remember? 'Cause you said,
- 'Oh, my God, he's leaving with her.'"
- 488
- 00:25:23,271 --> 00:25:24,439
- [laughter]
- 489
- 00:25:29,027 --> 00:25:31,655
- "Thank you, Chris! Thank you.
- 490
- 00:25:32,239 --> 00:25:34,074
- I guess I forgot about that."
- 491
- 00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:35,700
- [laughter]
- 492
- 00:25:39,913 --> 00:25:44,626
- Also, one of the the signs of autism
- is you don't make sort of the...
- 493
- 00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:47,379
- appropriate facial expression
- for the occasion you're at.
- 494
- 00:25:48,255 --> 00:25:51,299
- So we were gonna go on a red carpet
- together for the first time,
- 495
- 00:25:51,383 --> 00:25:54,928
- and we were practicing his smiles,
- you know,
- 496
- 00:25:55,011 --> 00:25:57,889
- and we didn't land on one
- that we were in love with.
- 497
- 00:25:58,306 --> 00:25:59,474
- [laughter]
- 498
- 00:26:01,268 --> 00:26:03,937
- So we were out of time, so I said,
- "Just...
- 499
- 00:26:04,020 --> 00:26:06,898
- This is what I do. Just think
- about something you love, you know?"
- 500
- 00:26:06,982 --> 00:26:08,692
- And he loves the ocean, so...
- 501
- 00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:13,196
- So we went out there and it worked,
- but it worked too well.
- 502
- 00:26:13,697 --> 00:26:14,864
- [laughter]
- 503
- 00:26:15,073 --> 00:26:18,326
- 'Cause in all the pictures, I'm doing
- my normal bullshit, and he was like...
- 504
- 00:26:20,078 --> 00:26:22,330
- [laughter]
- 505
- 00:26:28,253 --> 00:26:31,631
- I noticed. I was like, "A pond.
- Just like you're glancing at a pond.
- 506
- 00:26:31,715 --> 00:26:32,757
- Pull it back."
- 507
- 00:26:32,841 --> 00:26:33,841
- [laughter]
- 508
- 00:26:37,304 --> 00:26:39,639
- It's exciting being pregnant.
- It's not all bad.
- 509
- 00:26:40,724 --> 00:26:41,975
- The best part about it
- 510
- 00:26:42,642 --> 00:26:44,185
- is not getting your period.
- 511
- 00:26:44,644 --> 00:26:46,605
- [women whooping]
- 512
- 00:26:46,688 --> 00:26:50,734
- Yeah. That's the silver uterine lining,
- if you want to look for one.
- 513
- 00:26:51,067 --> 00:26:52,235
- [laughter]
- 514
- 00:26:52,819 --> 00:26:55,864
- That's nice because, you know,
- what I realized,
- 515
- 00:26:55,947 --> 00:26:57,782
- right before I got pregnant, IÂ noticed...
- 516
- 00:26:58,450 --> 00:26:59,743
- how ashamed...
- 517
- 00:27:00,327 --> 00:27:02,871
- we've all been made to feel
- about getting our period...
- 518
- 00:27:03,413 --> 00:27:05,290
- our whole lives.
- Like we choose it, you know?
- 519
- 00:27:05,373 --> 00:27:08,460
- Like, "Can't kick my bleeding habit,
- you know?
- 520
- 00:27:08,752 --> 00:27:09,919
- [laughter]
- 521
- 00:27:11,129 --> 00:27:13,006
- I just want it. I want to do it."
- 522
- 00:27:16,426 --> 00:27:19,846
- It's supposed to be, you know, a secret.
- The second you get it, your mom goes,
- 523
- 00:27:19,929 --> 00:27:21,181
- "You're a woman now.
- 524
- 00:27:22,432 --> 00:27:24,267
- And that's disgusting.
- 525
- 00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:25,602
- [laughter]
- 526
- 00:27:26,645 --> 00:27:29,606
- Never let anyone know
- of your filthy secret."
- 527
- 00:27:31,650 --> 00:27:35,195
- And you're like, "Okay. I'm 12.
- I'm ready to handle this."
- 528
- 00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:36,655
- [laughter]
- 529
- 00:27:38,031 --> 00:27:39,908
- This is my Rainbow Brite lunch box.
- 530
- 00:27:39,991 --> 00:27:43,119
- ♪ Rainbow Brite
- Stars are shining bright ♪
- 531
- 00:27:46,331 --> 00:27:48,091
- And it is.
- That's the most embarrassing thing
- 532
- 00:27:48,166 --> 00:27:49,918
- that could possibly happen
- to you as a kid,
- 533
- 00:27:50,001 --> 00:27:53,004
- that someone knows you have your period,
- or they see you have your period.
- 534
- 00:27:53,463 --> 00:27:54,547
- At that age, for men,
- 535
- 00:27:54,631 --> 00:27:57,550
- the most embarrassing thing
- is unwanted erections, right?
- 536
- 00:27:58,843 --> 00:28:01,429
- But then they grow up
- and show them to everyone.
- 537
- 00:28:01,554 --> 00:28:02,722
- [laughter]
- 538
- 00:28:07,477 --> 00:28:09,270
- Maybe that's what we should do.
- 539
- 00:28:10,188 --> 00:28:12,273
- [laughter, applause]
- 540
- 00:28:14,317 --> 00:28:15,318
- I don't know.
- 541
- 00:28:17,362 --> 00:28:19,531
- Call a coworker into your office.
- 542
- 00:28:19,614 --> 00:28:20,614
- "Carl...
- 543
- 00:28:21,574 --> 00:28:22,742
- [laughter]
- 544
- 00:28:23,326 --> 00:28:24,619
- Psst.
- 545
- 00:28:26,371 --> 00:28:27,872
- Come in here. Close the door."
- 546
- 00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:33,628
- [laughter]
- 547
- 00:28:34,754 --> 00:28:38,258
- [whooping whimsically]
- 548
- 00:28:38,925 --> 00:28:40,385
- [cheering, applause]
- 549
- 00:28:40,969 --> 00:28:44,013
- "Carl, you're getting very sleepy."
- 550
- 00:28:44,347 --> 00:28:46,015
- [laughter]
- 551
- 00:28:53,148 --> 00:28:56,443
- All this talk about dick pics,
- how about a tamp pic?
- 552
- 00:28:56,735 --> 00:28:57,902
- [laughter]
- 553
- 00:28:58,945 --> 00:28:59,946
- You up?
- 554
- 00:29:00,822 --> 00:29:02,991
- [laughter]
- 555
- 00:29:07,203 --> 00:29:10,957
- If you're still in a position
- where you're getting dick pics, ladies,
- 556
- 00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:13,001
- I have a suggestion for you.
- 557
- 00:29:13,084 --> 00:29:14,502
- When you get a dick pic...
- 558
- 00:29:15,712 --> 00:29:17,380
- send back...
- 559
- 00:29:18,548 --> 00:29:20,008
- a dick pic.
- 560
- 00:29:20,425 --> 00:29:21,593
- [laughter]
- 561
- 00:29:23,845 --> 00:29:27,140
- - [inaudible]
- - [laughter]
- 562
- 00:29:29,851 --> 00:29:30,851
- You go, "Oh, I'm sorry.
- 563
- 00:29:30,894 --> 00:29:33,521
- I thought we were exchanging
- our favorite dick pics.
- 564
- 00:29:33,938 --> 00:29:35,857
- [laughter]
- 565
- 00:29:38,860 --> 00:29:41,488
- Dick for dick, pic for pic, no?
- I thought..."
- 566
- 00:29:47,535 --> 00:29:52,248
- Why are we made to feel so ashamed
- of a natural bodily function
- 567
- 00:29:52,332 --> 00:29:55,335
- that ultimately brings life, you know?
- It's like...
- 568
- 00:29:56,044 --> 00:29:58,755
- If you forget a tampon,
- you have to bum one from somebody.
- 569
- 00:29:58,838 --> 00:30:01,883
- What we all do is,
- first, you look around...
- 570
- 00:30:02,675 --> 00:30:03,843
- [laughter]
- 571
- 00:30:04,427 --> 00:30:06,587
- like you're going to say something racist,
- just like...
- 572
- 00:30:06,888 --> 00:30:08,556
- [laughter]
- 573
- 00:30:10,350 --> 00:30:14,062
- And whatever race you thought I meant,
- that's your problem. And...
- 574
- 00:30:14,145 --> 00:30:15,480
- [laughter]
- 575
- 00:30:16,189 --> 00:30:19,317
- Then you kind of lean in,
- and we don't even say the whole sentence.
- 576
- 00:30:19,943 --> 00:30:20,944
- We kind of go...
- 577
- 00:30:21,444 --> 00:30:22,695
- "Does anybody have a..."
- 578
- 00:30:23,655 --> 00:30:24,656
- [muttering] "Tampon?"
- 579
- 00:30:24,948 --> 00:30:26,115
- [laughter]
- 580
- 00:30:27,116 --> 00:30:29,202
- What is this? What's the claw?
- 581
- 00:30:30,078 --> 00:30:32,121
- That's how disgusted we are
- with ourselves.
- 582
- 00:30:32,205 --> 00:30:34,207
- [muttering] "Does anyone have a tampon?"
- 583
- 00:30:34,666 --> 00:30:35,834
- [laughter]
- 584
- 00:30:36,835 --> 00:30:38,294
- And I notice myself do it.
- 585
- 00:30:39,170 --> 00:30:40,672
- I was in a gym locker room.
- 586
- 00:30:40,755 --> 00:30:42,715
- Thank you. And...
- 587
- 00:30:45,134 --> 00:30:48,596
- And there were a bunch of women
- in there, and I... [mutters]
- 588
- 00:30:50,598 --> 00:30:53,476
- And this woman across the locker room
- with so much confidence was like,
- 589
- 00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:55,144
- "Oh, yeah, I do. What size?"
- 590
- 00:30:55,562 --> 00:30:56,563
- [laughter]
- 591
- 00:31:00,233 --> 00:31:01,234
- And, like,
- 592
- 00:31:01,317 --> 00:31:03,903
- obviously, I know there are
- different sizes of tampons,
- 593
- 00:31:03,987 --> 00:31:05,655
- but I've never been confronted...
- 594
- 00:31:06,281 --> 00:31:07,448
- [laughter]
- 595
- 00:31:08,324 --> 00:31:10,159
- ...with that question before, you know?
- 596
- 00:31:12,829 --> 00:31:15,957
- She's like, "Yeah, what's
- the circumference of your pussy hole?
- 597
- 00:31:16,207 --> 00:31:17,375
- [laughter]
- 598
- 00:31:25,216 --> 00:31:27,927
- Grande or venti?
- What are we plugging, bitch?
- 599
- 00:31:30,305 --> 00:31:32,015
- I've got Pilates. What is it?"
- 600
- 00:31:36,603 --> 00:31:38,283
- Then all the other women
- in the locker room
- 601
- 00:31:38,313 --> 00:31:40,315
- kinda lean in to hear...
- 602
- 00:31:40,481 --> 00:31:41,649
- [laughter]
- 603
- 00:31:41,816 --> 00:31:43,234
- ...my answer, you know?
- 604
- 00:31:44,652 --> 00:31:45,737
- I'm just like...
- 605
- 00:31:46,738 --> 00:31:48,281
- "I don't know. Do you have, like, a...
- 606
- 00:31:48,781 --> 00:31:51,409
- super Grand Canyon? I don't know.
- 607
- 00:31:51,826 --> 00:31:52,994
- [laughter]
- 608
- 00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:55,663
- Just throw me a futon mattress.
- 609
- 00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:57,874
- I'll just kind of squat over it."
- 610
- 00:31:58,082 --> 00:31:59,250
- [laughter]
- 611
- 00:32:06,716 --> 00:32:08,968
- My vagina is going to get bigger, I heard.
- 612
- 00:32:09,260 --> 00:32:10,345
- Whoo!
- 613
- 00:32:11,638 --> 00:32:14,098
- Can't wait. Take up more space. Lean in!
- 614
- 00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:20,188
- It's already grown.
- It just grows over the years.
- 615
- 00:32:20,271 --> 00:32:23,483
- I know because, I mean, when I was
- younger, I could put a Tic Tac in there
- 616
- 00:32:23,566 --> 00:32:25,944
- and then just walk around all day.
- 617
- 00:32:26,027 --> 00:32:29,155
- At night, I swear it would
- still be in the same place, just... Whoop!
- 618
- 00:32:32,325 --> 00:32:33,618
- Now...
- 619
- 00:32:34,744 --> 00:32:37,205
- if I have a yeast infection, which I do...
- 620
- 00:32:37,747 --> 00:32:39,415
- [laughter]
- 621
- 00:32:40,792 --> 00:32:43,670
- and I try to put
- one of those Monistat suppositories in,
- 622
- 00:32:43,753 --> 00:32:46,506
- it just falls right on the floor.
- 623
- 00:32:46,589 --> 00:32:48,216
- [laughter]
- 624
- 00:32:51,844 --> 00:32:54,263
- Whoop! Be careful. They're very slippery.
- 625
- 00:32:54,973 --> 00:32:56,307
- [laughter]
- 626
- 00:32:59,644 --> 00:33:00,478
- I do.
- 627
- 00:33:00,561 --> 00:33:02,897
- I have a yeast infection.
- 628
- 00:33:04,524 --> 00:33:08,277
- I'm gonna address it 'cause I have to do
- the pinch. You guys know the pinch.
- 629
- 00:33:08,987 --> 00:33:11,781
- Ladies, just a quick, little pinch.
- 630
- 00:33:12,281 --> 00:33:13,825
- [laughter]
- 631
- 00:33:15,118 --> 00:33:19,122
- But I'm really excited about this.
- We don't even need tampons anymore.
- 632
- 00:33:19,622 --> 00:33:20,623
- There's a new invention.
- 633
- 00:33:20,707 --> 00:33:22,935
- - You guys know what I'm talking about?
- - [woman] DivaCup!
- 634
- 00:33:22,959 --> 00:33:24,585
- No, not the DivaCup.
- 635
- 00:33:24,669 --> 00:33:27,714
- - That is terrifying. Um...
- - [laughter]
- 636
- 00:33:27,797 --> 00:33:29,316
- The DivaCup... Do you know what it is?
- 637
- 00:33:29,340 --> 00:33:32,343
- It's like this little cup you store
- in the back of your vagina,
- 638
- 00:33:32,427 --> 00:33:33,928
- and it collects...
- 639
- 00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:37,241
- and at the end of the day,
- you pull it out and you kinda Kill Bill.
- 640
- 00:33:37,265 --> 00:33:39,017
- Just kind of... [whoosh]
- 641
- 00:33:39,100 --> 00:33:40,393
- [laughter]
- 642
- 00:33:40,476 --> 00:33:42,645
- [imitates spraying]
- 643
- 00:33:43,688 --> 00:33:44,772
- [laughter]
- 644
- 00:33:45,398 --> 00:33:47,942
- No!
- 645
- 00:33:48,526 --> 00:33:49,736
- [laughter]
- 646
- 00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:51,696
- It's a lot.
- 647
- 00:33:52,822 --> 00:33:53,906
- It's too much for me.
- 648
- 00:33:55,283 --> 00:33:57,452
- I respect you
- if you can handle the DivaCup.
- 649
- 00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:04,042
- Such a confident name. "I'm a Diva."
- 650
- 00:34:04,542 --> 00:34:05,710
- [laughter]
- 651
- 00:34:06,919 --> 00:34:07,919
- No.
- 652
- 00:34:08,629 --> 00:34:10,298
- It's more exciting than the DivaCup.
- 653
- 00:34:10,381 --> 00:34:13,384
- It's a new invention called THINX.
- 654
- 00:34:13,885 --> 00:34:16,012
- Yes. Yeah, you don't need a tampon.
- 655
- 00:34:16,095 --> 00:34:19,557
- They're just these underwear
- that you just bleed into.
- 656
- 00:34:21,434 --> 00:34:22,727
- Which I guess...
- 657
- 00:34:23,728 --> 00:34:26,147
- makes me a fucking inventor.
- 658
- 00:34:26,898 --> 00:34:29,025
- [laughter]
- 659
- 00:34:31,652 --> 00:34:33,780
- Ah! Who knew?
- 660
- 00:34:34,822 --> 00:34:36,449
- Should I go on Shark Tank?
- 661
- 00:34:36,991 --> 00:34:38,159
- [laughter]
- 662
- 00:34:39,952 --> 00:34:40,995
- "Sharks..."
- 663
- 00:34:41,871 --> 00:34:43,039
- [laughter]
- 664
- 00:34:48,503 --> 00:34:53,591
- Did anyone have a mom like me
- who didn't really trust tampons
- 665
- 00:34:53,674 --> 00:34:57,386
- and made them only wear a pad? Right?
- 666
- 00:34:59,347 --> 00:35:01,516
- And millennials,
- if you don't know what a pad is,
- 667
- 00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:04,143
- congratulations, and...
- 668
- 00:35:05,144 --> 00:35:09,148
- A pad is kind of a foot-long diaper
- that you...
- 669
- 00:35:09,357 --> 00:35:10,525
- [laughter]
- 670
- 00:35:10,608 --> 00:35:13,277
- ...coil betwixt your legs, and...
- 671
- 00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:17,782
- just kinda waddle around all day
- wearing it, just...
- 672
- 00:35:19,158 --> 00:35:20,158
- Crunch!
- 673
- 00:35:21,452 --> 00:35:22,370
- Crunch!
- 674
- 00:35:22,453 --> 00:35:25,331
- Kinda always sounds like
- there's a killer right behind you.
- 675
- 00:35:25,665 --> 00:35:27,667
- [laughter]
- 676
- 00:35:33,297 --> 00:35:35,049
- [laughter]
- 677
- 00:35:36,676 --> 00:35:38,052
- They were great. Yeah.
- 678
- 00:35:39,554 --> 00:35:41,305
- Little adhesive wings.
- 679
- 00:35:41,889 --> 00:35:43,057
- [laughter]
- 680
- 00:35:43,975 --> 00:35:46,853
- They'd always stick right to your pubes.
- It was a treat.
- 681
- 00:35:46,936 --> 00:35:47,812
- [laughter]
- 682
- 00:35:47,895 --> 00:35:49,981
- It was a real treat. Sorry you missed it.
- 683
- 00:35:53,234 --> 00:35:54,694
- I'm sorry. Millennials...
- 684
- 00:35:56,028 --> 00:35:57,238
- pubes...
- 685
- 00:35:57,321 --> 00:36:00,158
- [crowd laughing]
- 686
- 00:36:00,491 --> 00:36:03,703
- [cheering, applause]
- 687
- 00:36:08,749 --> 00:36:10,960
- [mincing] Anybody remember pubes?
- 688
- 00:36:11,043 --> 00:36:12,211
- [laughter]
- 689
- 00:36:15,131 --> 00:36:16,507
- I miss my mom's bush.
- 690
- 00:36:16,591 --> 00:36:18,926
- Did you guys see your mom's bush
- growing up?
- 691
- 00:36:20,219 --> 00:36:21,804
- It's kind of comforting, right?
- 692
- 00:36:24,140 --> 00:36:26,517
- The first time you see it,
- I'll never forget.
- 693
- 00:36:26,851 --> 00:36:28,019
- [laughter]
- 694
- 00:36:28,853 --> 00:36:32,773
- I remember I walked in the bathroom
- to say goodnight. I was like, "Mom!
- 695
- 00:36:32,857 --> 00:36:34,025
- [laughter]
- 696
- 00:36:40,615 --> 00:36:42,575
- [laughter]
- 697
- 00:36:45,995 --> 00:36:47,830
- Oh. Hi, Mom. Good night."
- 698
- 00:36:47,914 --> 00:36:49,081
- [laughter]
- 699
- 00:36:54,170 --> 00:36:55,504
- I remember Mom's bush.
- 700
- 00:36:59,008 --> 00:37:00,885
- I also had one of those moms...
- 701
- 00:37:02,011 --> 00:37:03,221
- who told me,
- 702
- 00:37:03,304 --> 00:37:06,807
- "You only have to shave up to your knee."
- 703
- 00:37:07,934 --> 00:37:10,353
- Right? "Just shave up to your knee."
- 704
- 00:37:11,979 --> 00:37:14,190
- I'd say, "Mom, I'm pretty hairy up..."
- 705
- 00:37:14,273 --> 00:37:15,274
- "No!
- 706
- 00:37:16,067 --> 00:37:17,067
- The knee."
- 707
- 00:37:17,485 --> 00:37:18,485
- "Okay."
- 708
- 00:37:21,113 --> 00:37:23,783
- I'd be at the community pool.
- People are like...
- 709
- 00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:25,368
- [laughter]
- 710
- 00:37:28,287 --> 00:37:30,665
- "Why is Amy wearing wool shorts?"
- 711
- 00:37:30,873 --> 00:37:32,041
- [laughter]
- 712
- 00:37:42,093 --> 00:37:45,221
- But I have to give it up for my mom.
- She made me so confident.
- 713
- 00:37:45,304 --> 00:37:47,807
- She just straight lied to me as a kid.
- 714
- 00:37:48,057 --> 00:37:49,225
- [laughter]
- 715
- 00:37:49,433 --> 00:37:51,310
- It's tough to say "confident"...
- 716
- 00:37:52,019 --> 00:37:53,521
- as a woman, you know?
- 717
- 00:37:53,604 --> 00:37:56,816
- You put on TV.
- We see all these gorgeous women.
- 718
- 00:37:57,316 --> 00:38:00,861
- We have to compete with what's her face,
- the Mother of Dragons.
- 719
- 00:38:00,945 --> 00:38:01,779
- What's her name?
- 720
- 00:38:01,862 --> 00:38:04,365
- - [woman] Khaleesi!
- - Kris Jenner. It's just...
- 721
- 00:38:04,448 --> 00:38:05,908
- [laughter]
- 722
- 00:38:08,577 --> 00:38:09,870
- It's tough.
- 723
- 00:38:10,621 --> 00:38:11,956
- It's tough out there.
- 724
- 00:38:12,039 --> 00:38:13,874
- [cheering]
- 725
- 00:38:15,042 --> 00:38:16,961
- No, I love the Kardashians.
- 726
- 00:38:17,586 --> 00:38:21,257
- The Kardashians are so confident,
- they confuse me about my own confidence.
- 727
- 00:38:21,340 --> 00:38:24,719
- So before I was pregnant, I was
- kind of like feeling myself one day,
- 728
- 00:38:24,802 --> 00:38:26,304
- and I bought lingerie.
- 729
- 00:38:26,387 --> 00:38:27,221
- Like...
- 730
- 00:38:27,305 --> 00:38:28,514
- the real shit.
- 731
- 00:38:29,015 --> 00:38:29,890
- Like...
- 732
- 00:38:29,974 --> 00:38:32,393
- the, you know, fishnets, and then...
- 733
- 00:38:32,476 --> 00:38:34,478
- like the pulley system here.
- 734
- 00:38:34,937 --> 00:38:35,937
- You know?
- 735
- 00:38:36,564 --> 00:38:38,364
- Thought they would've updated
- that technology,
- 736
- 00:38:38,399 --> 00:38:41,819
- but it's still a pulley system,
- and then, you know, the boost...
- 737
- 00:38:41,902 --> 00:38:43,404
- Whatever it's called. And...
- 738
- 00:38:43,863 --> 00:38:45,740
- You know, I went. I paid for it.
- 739
- 00:38:46,490 --> 00:38:50,411
- I tried it on at home, you know,
- where IÂ could take my own life, and...
- 740
- 00:38:50,619 --> 00:38:51,787
- [laughter]
- 741
- 00:38:52,830 --> 00:38:54,999
- In the safety of home, and...
- 742
- 00:38:57,668 --> 00:39:00,588
- I tried it on, and I was kind of ready
- to blow my own mind.
- 743
- 00:39:01,047 --> 00:39:02,214
- [laughter]
- 744
- 00:39:02,715 --> 00:39:06,635
- I kind of sidled up to the mirror,
- and IÂ check myself out, and I was like,
- 745
- 00:39:06,719 --> 00:39:08,179
- "Oh.
- 746
- 00:39:09,347 --> 00:39:12,099
- This isn't for everybody.
- 747
- 00:39:12,475 --> 00:39:13,642
- [laughter]
- 748
- 00:39:15,436 --> 00:39:16,604
- Hmm.
- 749
- 00:39:17,688 --> 00:39:18,773
- Okay."
- 750
- 00:39:20,733 --> 00:39:22,836
- I looked like I should have been
- on Law & Order, like,
- 751
- 00:39:22,860 --> 00:39:24,403
- "He went that way."
- 752
- 00:39:24,570 --> 00:39:25,738
- [laughter]
- 753
- 00:39:34,038 --> 00:39:37,291
- My fishnets looked like
- they'd caught an actual fish. It was...
- 754
- 00:39:37,375 --> 00:39:38,417
- [laughter]
- 755
- 00:39:41,629 --> 00:39:42,880
- It was pretty confusing.
- 756
- 00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:48,052
- It's tough to say "confident" as a girl.
- 757
- 00:39:49,261 --> 00:39:51,180
- I don't know what I'm having.
- 758
- 00:39:51,263 --> 00:39:52,515
- I hope it's a girl.
- 759
- 00:39:53,182 --> 00:39:54,225
- Um...
- 760
- 00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:58,687
- But really just because
- it's such a scary time for men.
- 761
- 00:39:59,438 --> 00:40:01,148
- [laughter]
- 762
- 00:40:02,942 --> 00:40:06,737
- [cheering, applause]
- 763
- 00:40:08,697 --> 00:40:12,993
- Such a scary time. Men, thank you so much
- for leaving your houses tonight.
- 764
- 00:40:13,077 --> 00:40:14,120
- I just...
- 765
- 00:40:15,496 --> 00:40:16,496
- God.
- 766
- 00:40:16,539 --> 00:40:18,457
- First responders, just...
- 767
- 00:40:19,291 --> 00:40:20,501
- so brave.
- 768
- 00:40:22,503 --> 00:40:26,549
- I don't know if men know how scared we are
- as women all the time.
- 769
- 00:40:28,050 --> 00:40:32,638
- Like, one in three of us will be assaulted
- at some point in our lives.
- 770
- 00:40:32,721 --> 00:40:34,890
- If you're a woman of color,
- it's even more than that.
- 771
- 00:40:34,974 --> 00:40:37,393
- If you're a trans woman, forget it.
- 772
- 00:40:38,436 --> 00:40:39,979
- At night in New York,
- 773
- 00:40:40,062 --> 00:40:43,524
- if I take the subway at night,
- I will run home.
- 774
- 00:40:44,024 --> 00:40:45,526
- Women, we run home.
- 775
- 00:40:46,235 --> 00:40:47,486
- Not for the cardio.
- 776
- 00:40:48,612 --> 00:40:51,157
- It's true. When you walk to your car
- in a dark parking lot,
- 777
- 00:40:51,240 --> 00:40:52,116
- what do you ladies do?
- 778
- 00:40:52,199 --> 00:40:55,995
- We do the little makeshift brass knuckle
- with our key, right?
- 779
- 00:40:56,912 --> 00:40:59,832
- I don't know what our plan is
- with that key in our knuckle.
- 780
- 00:41:00,833 --> 00:41:01,917
- "Oh, no, you don't!
- 781
- 00:41:02,001 --> 00:41:03,544
- Ahh!
- 782
- 00:41:06,255 --> 00:41:09,091
- Not on my watch. Boop-boop!" I mean...
- 783
- 00:41:09,175 --> 00:41:10,176
- [laughter]
- 784
- 00:41:13,637 --> 00:41:18,225
- There was a study done, and it said
- that women mostly fear violence.
- 785
- 00:41:18,309 --> 00:41:19,685
- That's our number one fear.
- 786
- 00:41:20,644 --> 00:41:24,273
- And the same study
- showed that men's number one fear...
- 787
- 00:41:25,357 --> 00:41:26,567
- was ridicule.
- 788
- 00:41:28,861 --> 00:41:30,863
- Oh... Yeah, God!
- 789
- 00:41:30,988 --> 00:41:32,156
- [laughter]
- 790
- 00:41:33,115 --> 00:41:36,118
- I'm so sorry. I didn't know
- you guys were going through that.
- 791
- 00:41:36,452 --> 00:41:37,620
- [laughter]
- 792
- 00:41:38,204 --> 00:41:40,206
- It must be so hard for you.
- 793
- 00:41:41,832 --> 00:41:43,292
- Do you guys run home?
- 794
- 00:41:44,752 --> 00:41:48,088
- Because you're afraid of somebody
- telling a little jokey about you?
- 795
- 00:41:48,172 --> 00:41:49,340
- [laughter]
- 796
- 00:41:50,299 --> 00:41:52,676
- [women whooping, cheering]
- 797
- 00:41:55,721 --> 00:41:57,223
- [laughs]
- 798
- 00:41:59,725 --> 00:42:03,604
- I think that we need to start
- from scratch, you know?
- 799
- 00:42:03,687 --> 00:42:07,858
- I'm so grateful to this new generation
- of women that came along and they're like,
- 800
- 00:42:07,942 --> 00:42:11,278
- "Hey, have you been getting sexually
- harassed like this your whole lives?"
- 801
- 00:42:11,362 --> 00:42:12,362
- And we're like,
- 802
- 00:42:12,947 --> 00:42:13,948
- "Oh, yeah!"
- 803
- 00:42:14,406 --> 00:42:15,824
- [laughter]
- 804
- 00:42:16,825 --> 00:42:20,496
- And they're like, "Yeah. You wanna
- do something about that?" And we're like,
- 805
- 00:42:21,163 --> 00:42:22,623
- "Oh, yeah.
- 806
- 00:42:22,706 --> 00:42:23,832
- [laughter]
- 807
- 00:42:23,916 --> 00:42:26,043
- That's a very good idea."
- 808
- 00:42:26,752 --> 00:42:29,672
- They're like, "Yeah."
- And we're like, "Oh."
- 809
- 00:42:29,755 --> 00:42:31,840
- We're so used to it, you know?
- 810
- 00:42:32,633 --> 00:42:34,426
- You're at work, and you're like,
- 811
- 00:42:34,510 --> 00:42:37,596
- "I have to make every guy think
- that we also might fuck
- 812
- 00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:39,223
- and do a good job."
- 813
- 00:42:39,473 --> 00:42:40,641
- [laughter]
- 814
- 00:42:42,476 --> 00:42:44,270
- It's not fair.
- It's not fair to men either.
- 815
- 00:42:44,353 --> 00:42:48,607
- You guys are raised with so much pressure
- to be so masculine at such a young age.
- 816
- 00:42:48,691 --> 00:42:50,192
- It's bullshit.
- 817
- 00:42:50,276 --> 00:42:52,611
- It sucks.
- It's like a six-year-old kid crying.
- 818
- 00:42:53,195 --> 00:42:54,905
- "Stop crying, you little pussy."
- 819
- 00:42:55,030 --> 00:42:56,198
- [laughter]
- 820
- 00:42:57,741 --> 00:43:00,536
- We toughen them up at a young age
- so they don't get made fun of,
- 821
- 00:43:00,619 --> 00:43:04,039
- and then, as little girls,
- you're in school with these boys,
- 822
- 00:43:04,123 --> 00:43:07,585
- and when a little boy is mean to you
- or he teases you, what does everybody say?
- 823
- 00:43:07,668 --> 00:43:10,004
- - [woman] He likes you.
- - "He likes you."
- 824
- 00:43:10,421 --> 00:43:11,630
- Ooh!
- 825
- 00:43:12,423 --> 00:43:15,009
- You're like, "He knocked my books
- out of my hands."
- 826
- 00:43:15,426 --> 00:43:17,011
- "Whoo!
- 827
- 00:43:17,094 --> 00:43:18,345
- [laughter]
- 828
- 00:43:18,429 --> 00:43:21,140
- Looks like somebody
- has a little boyfriend at school.
- 829
- 00:43:22,016 --> 00:43:23,434
- That's a good thing."
- 830
- 00:43:23,767 --> 00:43:25,519
- And you're like, "Oh.
- 831
- 00:43:25,978 --> 00:43:27,229
- That's a good thing!
- 832
- 00:43:27,730 --> 00:43:28,897
- Okay!
- 833
- 00:43:29,315 --> 00:43:31,317
- I'm the luckiest girl in school."
- 834
- 00:43:31,525 --> 00:43:32,693
- [laughter]
- 835
- 00:43:33,152 --> 00:43:34,445
- "He pushed me down the stairs."
- 836
- 00:43:34,528 --> 00:43:35,904
- "You're going to prom!"
- 837
- 00:43:35,988 --> 00:43:37,031
- "Prom!"
- 838
- 00:43:37,364 --> 00:43:38,616
- [laughter]
- 839
- 00:43:39,199 --> 00:43:42,036
- Right? Then we grow up
- and we all have friends who were like,
- 840
- 00:43:42,119 --> 00:43:43,912
- "Why do I only date assholes?"
- 841
- 00:43:44,538 --> 00:43:47,666
- 'Cause you've been trained to do that
- since you were a toddler.
- 842
- 00:43:48,334 --> 00:43:51,334
- You know, we have friends who are like,
- "You should see us when we're alone.
- 843
- 00:43:51,378 --> 00:43:54,757
- He's still really mean to me,
- but it's not as embarrassing."
- 844
- 00:43:54,840 --> 00:43:55,841
- [giggles]
- 845
- 00:43:57,426 --> 00:44:00,054
- It doesn't occur to us
- to be with someone who's kind
- 846
- 00:44:00,137 --> 00:44:02,389
- until we're, like, almost dead, you know?
- 847
- 00:44:02,973 --> 00:44:04,141
- [laughter]
- 848
- 00:44:05,976 --> 00:44:09,563
- I mean, who cares? We're about to lose
- our rights, anyway. Right, ladies?
- 849
- 00:44:10,564 --> 00:44:13,984
- Take 'em. I'm sick of it.
- Give me my bonnet. Give me my cape.
- 850
- 00:44:14,526 --> 00:44:15,694
- [laughter]
- 851
- 00:44:16,153 --> 00:44:19,198
- I'm ready.
- Done washing my hair all the time.
- 852
- 00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:23,994
- I mean, look at us making decisions
- about our own bodies.
- 853
- 00:44:24,078 --> 00:44:25,913
- Who do we think we are? Men?
- 854
- 00:44:26,997 --> 00:44:27,998
- Come on!
- 855
- 00:44:28,499 --> 00:44:30,125
- Decisions are hard.
- 856
- 00:44:32,336 --> 00:44:33,921
- Rights feel heavy.
- 857
- 00:44:34,338 --> 00:44:35,506
- [laughter]
- 858
- 00:44:36,924 --> 00:44:41,136
- I want people who know better than anyone
- making the decisions about my body.
- 859
- 00:44:41,220 --> 00:44:44,139
- I want to call up Mitch McConnell
- and be like, "Girl!
- 860
- 00:44:44,556 --> 00:44:45,557
- [laughter]
- 861
- 00:44:45,641 --> 00:44:49,395
- My discharge is brown, baby girl.
- What should I do?
- 862
- 00:44:51,146 --> 00:44:52,439
- Mitch!
- 863
- 00:44:53,482 --> 00:44:57,444
- Chuck Grassley, I've got cramps.
- Am I ovulating, queen?
- 864
- 00:44:57,945 --> 00:44:59,279
- [laughter]
- 865
- 00:45:00,155 --> 00:45:02,616
- Lindsey mammo-Graham, feel this.
- What you think?
- 866
- 00:45:03,283 --> 00:45:04,410
- You guys know."
- 867
- 00:45:07,454 --> 00:45:10,165
- Maybe some of you heard
- I got arrested in October.
- 868
- 00:45:10,791 --> 00:45:13,210
- - [cheering]
- - Thank you.
- 869
- 00:45:14,628 --> 00:45:15,629
- Thank you.
- 870
- 00:45:16,004 --> 00:45:18,048
- God's work. Um... [chuckles]
- 871
- 00:45:19,925 --> 00:45:23,470
- I went down to DC to get arrested.
- 872
- 00:45:23,554 --> 00:45:26,432
- The different news outlets wrote about it.
- 873
- 00:45:26,515 --> 00:45:28,058
- Like, "Schumer's been detained,"
- 874
- 00:45:28,142 --> 00:45:31,353
- like I was just on a walking tour
- of the Washington Monument.
- 875
- 00:45:34,022 --> 00:45:37,985
- But I went down there to oppose
- Brett Kavanaugh's confirmation.
- 876
- 00:45:38,068 --> 00:45:41,447
- [crowd cheers]
- 877
- 00:45:41,530 --> 00:45:43,115
- Thank you, sisters.
- 878
- 00:45:44,450 --> 00:45:46,285
- Men, you can clap too.
- 879
- 00:45:47,077 --> 00:45:48,829
- [cheering, applause]
- 880
- 00:45:49,538 --> 00:45:52,416
- Spoiler alert. It didn't go our way.
- 881
- 00:45:52,791 --> 00:45:54,293
- [laughter]
- 882
- 00:45:55,586 --> 00:45:58,756
- The whole way down, I was really nervous
- about getting arrested.
- 883
- 00:45:59,256 --> 00:46:01,425
- I've been arrested before,
- obviously, but...
- 884
- 00:46:01,842 --> 00:46:03,010
- [laughter]
- 885
- 00:46:03,969 --> 00:46:08,015
- But I was obsessed
- with the fear of being hungry.
- 886
- 00:46:08,515 --> 00:46:09,600
- [laughter]
- 887
- 00:46:09,683 --> 00:46:12,186
- You know, while I was locked up. So...
- 888
- 00:46:12,644 --> 00:46:15,105
- It probably would have been like that
- before I was pregnant,
- 889
- 00:46:15,189 --> 00:46:17,691
- but that just doubled it,
- so the whole way down...
- 890
- 00:46:18,442 --> 00:46:20,903
- And, you know, we get down there, and...
- 891
- 00:46:21,278 --> 00:46:23,906
- it was really intense
- and really emotional, and...
- 892
- 00:46:24,656 --> 00:46:26,536
- We were gonna get arrested
- on the Capitol steps,
- 893
- 00:46:26,575 --> 00:46:29,578
- but they barricaded those,
- so we all rush into the Hart Building,
- 894
- 00:46:29,661 --> 00:46:31,205
- where the senators' offices are,
- 895
- 00:46:31,288 --> 00:46:32,664
- and we all flood in this hallway,
- 896
- 00:46:32,748 --> 00:46:36,710
- and, you know, the banners are flying
- and the Capitol police are closing in,
- 897
- 00:46:36,794 --> 00:46:39,963
- and we know we're about to be arrested,
- and everyone's chanting,
- 898
- 00:46:40,047 --> 00:46:41,215
- "No justice, no peace,"
- 899
- 00:46:41,298 --> 00:46:44,927
- and, "We believe survivors.
- We believe survivors."
- 900
- 00:46:45,719 --> 00:46:48,847
- And I know we're about to be arrested,
- so I am...
- 901
- 00:46:48,931 --> 00:46:51,558
- ramming snacks in my mouth. I am...
- 902
- 00:46:51,892 --> 00:46:53,685
- [shouting]
- 903
- 00:46:54,812 --> 00:46:57,773
- Everyone's, "We Believe,"
- and I'm... [screams]
- 904
- 00:46:58,190 --> 00:47:01,401
- And the Capitol police are looking at me
- like, "What the fuck?" I'm like...
- 905
- 00:47:01,485 --> 00:47:03,070
- [screams]
- 906
- 00:47:03,153 --> 00:47:05,614
- Just Cookie Monster,
- crumbling shit on my face.
- 907
- 00:47:07,366 --> 00:47:10,536
- I got arrested with my friend,
- Emily Ratajkowski, who's a supermodel,
- 908
- 00:47:10,619 --> 00:47:15,123
- like gorgeous, you know. And she's
- in this hot outfit, and she's like,
- 909
- 00:47:15,207 --> 00:47:16,667
- "We believe survivors,"
- 910
- 00:47:16,750 --> 00:47:20,462
- and I'm in a Department of Sanitation
- shirt, and I'm like...
- 911
- 00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:22,381
- [screams] "Ahh!"
- 912
- 00:47:22,464 --> 00:47:23,464
- [laughter]
- 913
- 00:47:26,051 --> 00:47:27,553
- And some people criticized me.
- 914
- 00:47:27,636 --> 00:47:30,305
- They were like,
- "That was irresponsible. You're pregnant."
- 915
- 00:47:30,389 --> 00:47:32,349
- And I was like,
- "That's why I went down there."
- 916
- 00:47:32,432 --> 00:47:35,727
- I want to be able to tell this kid
- I did everything I could.
- 917
- 00:47:36,854 --> 00:47:37,938
- You know?
- 918
- 00:47:38,021 --> 00:47:40,107
- [cheering and applause]
- 919
- 00:47:40,190 --> 00:47:43,235
- And D.C., I heard,
- has the best cocaine, so...
- 920
- 00:47:45,863 --> 00:47:48,574
- My friend said it's fine. Uh...
- 921
- 00:47:51,535 --> 00:47:52,744
- A baby.
- 922
- 00:47:53,287 --> 00:47:54,121
- Guys,
- 923
- 00:47:54,204 --> 00:47:56,373
- what the fuck am I doing?
- 924
- 00:47:56,874 --> 00:47:58,041
- [laughter]
- 925
- 00:47:59,084 --> 00:48:00,794
- We have no idea what we're doing.
- 926
- 00:48:01,336 --> 00:48:05,549
- We have some books at home,
- and every week, there's a terrifying video
- 927
- 00:48:05,632 --> 00:48:08,135
- saying what's going on
- in the baby's development.
- 928
- 00:48:08,218 --> 00:48:09,636
- "This week,
- 929
- 00:48:09,720 --> 00:48:13,974
- your baby is growing fur
- and eating you from the inside."
- 930
- 00:48:14,224 --> 00:48:15,392
- [laughter]
- 931
- 00:48:16,852 --> 00:48:21,315
- I'm glad I found a good partner, you know?
- Like, he's solid as hell.
- 932
- 00:48:21,398 --> 00:48:25,027
- Yeah. I just... I didn't have the energy
- for dating anymore, like...
- 933
- 00:48:25,110 --> 00:48:27,487
- Remember when you hook up with someone
- the first time?
- 934
- 00:48:27,571 --> 00:48:30,824
- Do you remember
- you used to undress each other?
- 935
- 00:48:32,075 --> 00:48:34,995
- Know what I'm talking about?
- They do that in movies. So you're like...
- 936
- 00:48:35,078 --> 00:48:37,080
- [imitating kissing]
- 937
- 00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:39,750
- [laughter]
- 938
- 00:48:40,417 --> 00:48:43,086
- It's always hard. In movies...
- 939
- 00:48:43,170 --> 00:48:47,049
- But you're like, okay, a braided belt,
- and there is the silver thing.
- 940
- 00:48:47,215 --> 00:48:48,342
- [laughter]
- 941
- 00:48:48,425 --> 00:48:50,510
- And then, oh, a button fly.
- 942
- 00:48:50,594 --> 00:48:52,471
- I'll just kind of yank it.
- 943
- 00:48:53,180 --> 00:48:56,975
- And your sock. Am I in fucking retail?
- Take your own shit off.
- 944
- 00:48:57,768 --> 00:48:59,019
- My back hurts.
- 945
- 00:48:59,102 --> 00:49:00,270
- [laughter]
- 946
- 00:49:05,108 --> 00:49:07,694
- I was in bed with my husband
- the other night.
- 947
- 00:49:07,778 --> 00:49:12,074
- I was holding our dog,
- and my husband just took off my underwear.
- 948
- 00:49:12,824 --> 00:49:14,534
- And I looked over at him and I was like,
- 949
- 00:49:15,494 --> 00:49:17,579
- "Oh, no."
- 950
- 00:49:17,663 --> 00:49:19,665
- [laughter]
- 951
- 00:49:20,832 --> 00:49:22,542
- That's crazy, you know.
- 952
- 00:49:24,336 --> 00:49:25,587
- He was kind of like,
- 953
- 00:49:25,671 --> 00:49:28,340
- "Okay." Like he didn't give a shit
- too much, you know.
- 954
- 00:49:29,716 --> 00:49:31,635
- And we're lying there, and I'm like...
- 955
- 00:49:32,344 --> 00:49:34,429
- "Can you put my underwear back on?"
- 956
- 00:49:34,721 --> 00:49:35,889
- [laughter]
- 957
- 00:49:37,516 --> 00:49:41,728
- Such sad foreshadowing watching him,
- like, dress my lifeless body.
- 958
- 00:49:42,062 --> 00:49:43,397
- [laughter]
- 959
- 00:49:49,152 --> 00:49:51,530
- We were at the gynecologist
- a couple months ago,
- 960
- 00:49:52,155 --> 00:49:56,284
- and I asked, "Is it safe to have sex
- while pregnant?" And she was like,
- 961
- 00:49:56,785 --> 00:50:00,622
- "Yes, it is safe to have sex
- through the whole pregnancy."
- 962
- 00:50:00,706 --> 00:50:01,706
- And I was like,
- 963
- 00:50:02,249 --> 00:50:04,459
- "We'll be seeking a second opinion."
- 964
- 00:50:04,584 --> 00:50:05,752
- [laughter]
- 965
- 00:50:09,631 --> 00:50:10,966
- That's fucking...
- 966
- 00:50:14,052 --> 00:50:16,096
- I was trying to signal her, you know.
- 967
- 00:50:17,055 --> 00:50:18,181
- "Hey.
- 968
- 00:50:18,598 --> 00:50:20,100
- Do you think it's safe...
- 969
- 00:50:21,268 --> 00:50:22,978
- [laughter]
- 970
- 00:50:24,688 --> 00:50:26,773
- for us to have sex?
- 971
- 00:50:27,149 --> 00:50:29,735
- [silently mouths]
- 972
- 00:50:30,777 --> 00:50:33,697
- Do you think it would probably kill
- the baby and we shouldn't do it?"
- 973
- 00:50:33,989 --> 00:50:35,157
- [laughter]
- 974
- 00:50:37,993 --> 00:50:41,079
- She's like,
- "No, it's safe the whole time."
- 975
- 00:50:41,163 --> 00:50:43,331
- I was like, "Okay. Okay."
- 976
- 00:50:44,583 --> 00:50:45,959
- [laughter]
- 977
- 00:50:46,043 --> 00:50:49,588
- Do you want me to come to your house
- to tell your husband he can fuck you?
- 978
- 00:50:49,671 --> 00:50:50,672
- [laughter]
- 979
- 00:50:54,342 --> 00:50:56,553
- 'Cause people tell you.
- You're like, wow, that was fast.
- 980
- 00:50:56,636 --> 00:50:58,430
- "Last time we saw you,
- you were single, Amy,
- 981
- 00:50:58,513 --> 00:51:00,891
- and you already
- don't want to fuck your husband?"
- 982
- 00:51:00,974 --> 00:51:02,142
- [laughter]
- 983
- 00:51:02,434 --> 00:51:05,187
- I usually do, but I have hyperemesis.
- 984
- 00:51:06,021 --> 00:51:08,523
- And you know everyone says,
- "When you get married,
- 985
- 00:51:08,607 --> 00:51:10,692
- get ready to stop having sex."
- 986
- 00:51:11,318 --> 00:51:12,652
- And we were like, "Not us.
- 987
- 00:51:13,320 --> 00:51:15,697
- We're fucking for life," you know.
- 988
- 00:51:16,031 --> 00:51:17,407
- [laughter]
- 989
- 00:51:19,117 --> 00:51:22,370
- Now he, like, touches my shoulder
- on the couch, and I'm like,
- 990
- 00:51:22,454 --> 00:51:23,872
- "Can I help you?
- 991
- 00:51:23,955 --> 00:51:26,333
- [laughter and applause]
- 992
- 00:51:31,296 --> 00:51:33,256
- I'm over here. You're over there."
- 993
- 00:51:33,590 --> 00:51:35,634
- [laughter]
- 994
- 00:51:40,847 --> 00:51:42,599
- The spontaneity is over.
- 995
- 00:51:42,933 --> 00:51:44,142
- Thank God.
- 996
- 00:51:44,226 --> 00:51:46,228
- You know,
- when you're first falling in love,
- 997
- 00:51:46,311 --> 00:51:48,772
- like you might always have sex.
- 998
- 00:51:48,855 --> 00:51:49,773
- Every time you pee,
- 999
- 00:51:49,856 --> 00:51:52,502
- you've gotta make sure you clean
- the toilet paper out of your pussy.
- 1000
- 00:51:52,526 --> 00:51:53,568
- Every time you pee.
- 1001
- 00:51:53,652 --> 00:51:55,028
- [laughter]
- 1002
- 00:51:55,862 --> 00:51:56,862
- Every time.
- 1003
- 00:52:04,246 --> 00:52:07,916
- That is over. I have, like,
- half a roll of Charmin in there right now.
- 1004
- 00:52:07,999 --> 00:52:09,668
- [laughter]
- 1005
- 00:52:09,751 --> 00:52:10,836
- Yeah.
- 1006
- 00:52:11,294 --> 00:52:12,295
- [scoffs]
- 1007
- 00:52:15,340 --> 00:52:17,717
- I'm psyched to be done. I am.
- 1008
- 00:52:17,801 --> 00:52:19,845
- Especially dating someone new, you know.
- 1009
- 00:52:19,928 --> 00:52:23,390
- And I'm glad I married someone,
- he's my age. We're the same age, so...
- 1010
- 00:52:24,057 --> 00:52:26,893
- You know, we both grew up
- without Internet porn.
- 1011
- 00:52:27,936 --> 00:52:29,271
- That's a huge deal, right?
- 1012
- 00:52:29,354 --> 00:52:30,814
- Like, you know,
- 1013
- 00:52:30,897 --> 00:52:33,733
- now I feel like you can't
- fuck a millennial without them being like,
- 1014
- 00:52:33,817 --> 00:52:36,903
- "Can you dress like an emoji?"
- You're like, "No!"
- 1015
- 00:52:37,779 --> 00:52:39,030
- What the fuck?
- 1016
- 00:52:39,114 --> 00:52:40,407
- [laughter]
- 1017
- 00:52:43,076 --> 00:52:43,952
- No.
- 1018
- 00:52:44,035 --> 00:52:46,788
- And there's so many
- different types of porn. It's crazy.
- 1019
- 00:52:47,706 --> 00:52:50,834
- One of the biggest searches is "gag porn."
- 1020
- 00:52:51,501 --> 00:52:52,836
- Have you heard of that?
- 1021
- 00:52:52,919 --> 00:52:55,505
- That's where the girl gags
- on the guy's penis
- 1022
- 00:52:55,589 --> 00:52:57,132
- because it's too darn big.
- 1023
- 00:52:57,215 --> 00:52:58,675
- [laughter]
- 1024
- 00:52:59,259 --> 00:53:00,927
- I personally never had the plesh.
- 1025
- 00:53:01,428 --> 00:53:03,096
- [laughter]
- 1026
- 00:53:06,474 --> 00:53:09,561
- I just wanted to remind you that I've
- never struggled with it, even though...
- 1027
- 00:53:09,644 --> 00:53:11,396
- You remember the size of my mouth, right?
- 1028
- 00:53:11,479 --> 00:53:13,023
- Do you remember how big my mouth is?
- 1029
- 00:53:13,106 --> 00:53:16,193
- [laughter and applause]
- 1030
- 00:53:18,695 --> 00:53:20,780
- Just like a tiny bow. You could put...
- 1031
- 00:53:22,782 --> 00:53:24,868
- Okay, yeah. You remember.
- 1032
- 00:53:27,245 --> 00:53:29,080
- Gag porn. Like that one...
- 1033
- 00:53:29,164 --> 00:53:30,874
- That one is strange to me.
- 1034
- 00:53:30,957 --> 00:53:33,668
- Like you're clicking
- on all these different windows.
- 1035
- 00:53:33,752 --> 00:53:35,879
- Nothing, nothing.
- And then a girl's like...
- 1036
- 00:53:35,962 --> 00:53:39,257
- [retches] And you're like,
- "Mmm, wait a minute. [laughs]
- 1037
- 00:53:39,341 --> 00:53:40,592
- [laughter]
- 1038
- 00:53:41,760 --> 00:53:43,261
- What have we here?"
- 1039
- 00:53:44,888 --> 00:53:46,056
- [retches]
- 1040
- 00:53:47,390 --> 00:53:50,185
- Maximize screen. "Okay. Okay."
- 1041
- 00:53:52,312 --> 00:53:53,312
- If you're into gag porn,
- 1042
- 00:53:53,355 --> 00:53:55,666
- you should've been living at my house
- the last five months.
- 1043
- 00:53:55,690 --> 00:53:56,983
- You'd be hard as a rock.
- 1044
- 00:53:57,317 --> 00:53:58,818
- [laughter]
- 1045
- 00:54:01,446 --> 00:54:03,907
- Something else I won't miss,
- and this is my PSA...
- 1046
- 00:54:04,324 --> 00:54:05,450
- to men.
- 1047
- 00:54:06,451 --> 00:54:10,664
- A lot of men don't really understand
- how to put themselves inside you.
- 1048
- 00:54:11,831 --> 00:54:13,750
- Not really. Even missionary.
- 1049
- 00:54:14,918 --> 00:54:16,158
- They're... You know, they're...
- 1050
- 00:54:16,211 --> 00:54:18,255
- It's the wrong hole, or not a hole.
- 1051
- 00:54:18,338 --> 00:54:20,966
- You're like,
- "You have to use an existing hole, sir."
- 1052
- 00:54:21,299 --> 00:54:22,717
- [laughter]
- 1053
- 00:54:24,094 --> 00:54:27,639
- You're not going to confuse my body
- into making a new hole.
- 1054
- 00:54:28,014 --> 00:54:29,182
- [laughter]
- 1055
- 00:54:30,600 --> 00:54:32,018
- But most guys can figure it out,
- 1056
- 00:54:32,102 --> 00:54:35,855
- but you really realize that
- they don't understand where our hole goes
- 1057
- 00:54:35,939 --> 00:54:38,191
- when they're behind you, right?
- 1058
- 00:54:38,817 --> 00:54:40,652
- 'Cause during some sex,
- 1059
- 00:54:41,319 --> 00:54:46,074
- it's always I don't know whose suggestion
- to not look at your face anymore.
- 1060
- 00:54:46,408 --> 00:54:47,575
- [laughter]
- 1061
- 00:54:48,076 --> 00:54:50,620
- "How about you turn around?" "Oh, okay."
- 1062
- 00:54:52,831 --> 00:54:55,041
- You look back over the shoulder,
- they're like,
- 1063
- 00:54:55,125 --> 00:54:56,543
- "Nope!" You're like, "Okay.
- 1064
- 00:54:56,626 --> 00:54:58,086
- [laughter]
- 1065
- 00:54:58,420 --> 00:54:59,421
- I'll be here."
- 1066
- 00:55:05,093 --> 00:55:08,430
- That's when you know because
- there's a whole population of men
- 1067
- 00:55:08,513 --> 00:55:12,559
- who, once they get back there behind you,
- they'll kneel back there
- 1068
- 00:55:12,642 --> 00:55:14,144
- and just wait.
- 1069
- 00:55:16,271 --> 00:55:17,647
- Dick in the wind.
- 1070
- 00:55:17,981 --> 00:55:19,649
- [laughter]
- 1071
- 00:55:21,151 --> 00:55:22,694
- And you're up here, like...
- 1072
- 00:55:26,823 --> 00:55:29,075
- "Uh... We're rolling."
- 1073
- 00:55:29,451 --> 00:55:30,952
- [laughter]
- 1074
- 00:55:36,207 --> 00:55:39,252
- And you realize
- that he's waiting for you...
- 1075
- 00:55:40,837 --> 00:55:43,214
- who's on all fours...
- 1076
- 00:55:43,381 --> 00:55:44,549
- [laughter]
- 1077
- 00:55:44,924 --> 00:55:46,885
- ...to reach back...
- 1078
- 00:55:48,428 --> 00:55:50,555
- and put him inside you.
- 1079
- 00:55:51,222 --> 00:55:54,100
- You're like, "Oh, you want me to...?
- 1080
- 00:55:54,184 --> 00:55:55,769
- Oh, Okay. Uh...
- 1081
- 00:55:56,644 --> 00:55:57,771
- Yeah.
- 1082
- 00:55:57,854 --> 00:56:00,315
- I'll just use my head as,
- like, a kickstand, just...
- 1083
- 00:56:00,732 --> 00:56:04,611
- [laughter and applause]
- 1084
- 00:56:08,323 --> 00:56:11,701
- Yeah. No, it makes sense.
- I have the better angle here.
- 1085
- 00:56:15,455 --> 00:56:18,500
- You want to back the garage
- up to the car, is what...?"
- 1086
- 00:56:18,583 --> 00:56:19,667
- [laughter]
- 1087
- 00:56:22,796 --> 00:56:23,796
- Okay.
- 1088
- 00:56:25,507 --> 00:56:29,928
- Nope, it's fine. You've had a long day
- making more money than me. Here I come."
- 1089
- 00:56:30,011 --> 00:56:33,306
- [cheering and applause]
- 1090
- 00:56:44,442 --> 00:56:45,485
- Luckily,
- 1091
- 00:56:46,152 --> 00:56:48,279
- my husband does not have that problem.
- 1092
- 00:56:48,655 --> 00:56:49,823
- [laughter]
- 1093
- 00:56:50,407 --> 00:56:51,741
- Because...
- 1094
- 00:56:52,242 --> 00:56:53,701
- of that joke.
- 1095
- 00:56:54,119 --> 00:56:56,204
- [laughter]
- 1096
- 00:56:57,705 --> 00:57:00,250
- [applause]
- 1097
- 00:57:02,669 --> 00:57:05,505
- I know I talk so much shit about, uh,
- 1098
- 00:57:05,839 --> 00:57:09,676
- my pregnancy, and it has not been easy,
- but we're so fucking excited,
- 1099
- 00:57:09,759 --> 00:57:13,263
- and I do feel really lucky
- that I was able to get pregnant.
- 1100
- 00:57:14,556 --> 00:57:15,556
- Yeah.
- 1101
- 00:57:15,598 --> 00:57:18,643
- [applause, whooping]
- 1102
- 00:57:20,728 --> 00:57:21,729
- So I...
- 1103
- 00:57:22,647 --> 00:57:26,985
- was single, you know,
- most of my life, and felt pretty happy.
- 1104
- 00:57:27,068 --> 00:57:31,739
- I love my family and friends, and I feel
- really satisfied with work, and...
- 1105
- 00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:33,950
- kind of had accepted that, you know?
- 1106
- 00:57:34,033 --> 00:57:36,578
- And then I just happened...
- 1107
- 00:57:37,370 --> 00:57:41,166
- to meet this guy,
- and if you're out there and you're dating
- 1108
- 00:57:41,249 --> 00:57:42,250
- and you're just thinking,
- 1109
- 00:57:42,333 --> 00:57:45,879
- "Why can't I meet the right one?" It's not
- that you haven't met the right one yet.
- 1110
- 00:57:45,962 --> 00:57:47,422
- I wish someone had told me this.
- 1111
- 00:57:47,505 --> 00:57:50,383
- It's not that you haven't met
- the right one yet. It's just...
- 1112
- 00:57:50,467 --> 00:57:51,676
- that you have to wait...
- 1113
- 00:57:52,427 --> 00:57:54,095
- for them to get tired.
- 1114
- 00:57:54,888 --> 00:57:56,764
- [laughter]
- 1115
- 00:57:58,224 --> 00:57:59,851
- No one told me, right?
- 1116
- 00:57:59,934 --> 00:58:03,188
- Because men in their 20s and their 30s
- are just running around.
- 1117
- 00:58:03,271 --> 00:58:06,900
- [groaning]
- 1118
- 00:58:08,359 --> 00:58:09,486
- [pants]
- 1119
- 00:58:09,569 --> 00:58:11,571
- [groaning continues]
- 1120
- 00:58:12,572 --> 00:58:15,658
- And then their late 30s,
- they're like, "Oh, God!
- 1121
- 00:58:16,034 --> 00:58:17,702
- Phew. Oh, God!"
- 1122
- 00:58:19,329 --> 00:58:21,498
- And that's when you come along
- and you go...
- 1123
- 00:58:22,540 --> 00:58:23,541
- "Come on."
- 1124
- 00:58:23,958 --> 00:58:25,919
- [laughter]
- 1125
- 00:58:27,086 --> 00:58:30,715
- [cheering and applause]
- 1126
- 00:58:32,717 --> 00:58:35,929
- And they're like, "Where are we going?"
- And you're like...
- 1127
- 00:58:37,055 --> 00:58:40,225
- "We're going to sit on the couch
- and watch Bravo till we die."
- 1128
- 00:58:40,308 --> 00:58:41,976
- [laughter]
- 1129
- 00:58:42,519 --> 00:58:45,813
- [cheering, applause]
- 1130
- 00:58:48,525 --> 00:58:50,818
- Thank you so much, Chicago.
- 1131
- 00:58:51,653 --> 00:58:53,071
- I love you.
- 1132
- 00:58:53,154 --> 00:58:54,781
- [cheering]
- 1133
- 00:59:19,681 --> 00:59:22,058
- I realized how ashamed I was of my period.
- 1134
- 00:59:23,393 --> 00:59:25,103
- [burps] Excuse me. The baby.
- 1135
- 00:59:25,186 --> 00:59:26,479
- [laughter]
- 1136
- 00:59:27,647 --> 00:59:30,483
- Right now, every fart's a gamble.
- 1137
- 00:59:30,567 --> 00:59:31,776
- [laughter]
- 1138
- 00:59:32,902 --> 00:59:33,903
- Fart roulette.
- 1139
- 00:59:34,529 --> 00:59:35,697
- [laughter]
- 1140
- 00:59:37,865 --> 00:59:40,034
- My money's on brown. Um...
- 1141
- 00:59:40,118 --> 00:59:41,160
- [laughter]
- 1142
- 00:59:41,244 --> 00:59:43,955
- So they're flashing a light that says
- that IÂ need to get some makeup
- 1143
- 00:59:44,038 --> 00:59:46,457
- because I'm sweating like a monster.
- All right.
- 1144
- 00:59:46,541 --> 00:59:50,336
- You guys can only see
- that I'm sweating here,
- 1145
- 00:59:50,420 --> 00:59:53,089
- but if there was a camera in my asshole...
- 1146
- 00:59:53,172 --> 00:59:54,882
- [laughter]
- 1147
- 00:59:55,425 --> 00:59:57,885
- This is all my hair I bought.
- 1148
- 00:59:58,344 --> 00:59:59,721
- [laughter]
- 1149
- 01:00:00,430 --> 01:00:02,590
- There are these two people
- right in the front row here.
- 1150
- 01:00:02,640 --> 01:00:06,352
- I'm not going to look at them,
- but these two people. And like...
- 1151
- 01:00:07,145 --> 01:00:09,897
- They're, like, truly horrified
- by everything I'm saying.
- 1152
- 01:00:10,231 --> 01:00:11,733
- [laughter]
- 1153
- 01:00:13,359 --> 01:00:16,321
- I'm like, "Did you guys think
- you were seeing Godspell?" Okay.
- 1154
- 01:00:18,781 --> 01:00:21,326
- I promise it's not going to get
- any better, you guys.
- 1155
- 01:00:21,409 --> 01:00:23,036
- [laughter]
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