Jump 187: Avengers vs X-Men

Jump 187: Avengers vs X-Men

Location: Wakanda
Age: 45
Identity: Mutant
Drawbacks: [+200] Continuity, Marvellous Wit, Cosmic Bounty

[Free]      Breaking The Norm
[200/1200]  Jumper Was Right
[500/1200]  Mutant Messiah
[700/1200]  Spider Person
[Free]      Psi Shielding
[900/1200]  Jumper's Industry
[1200/1200] Illuminati

I took stock, finding my surroundings to be something I did not expect. Rural, with a highly advanced city nearby that seemed suspiciously familiar. Wakanda? Why was I in Wakanda? Why was I dressed up in a Gray Lantern uniform again?

Wait.

Damn it, I'm back in 616 again, aren't I? Which means things are going to get incredibly-

*DONK*

-dumb.

*DONK*

Ladies and gentlemen, meet everybody's favorite merc with a mouth. Who is currently whaling away at my head with a yellow whiffle bat.

*DONK* "Why!" *DONK* "Won't!" *DONK* "You!" *DONK* "Die!"

I rub my face, pinch the bridge of my nose. A gray field of energy shimmers into existence between myself and Deadpool, and the bat bounces off of it, only slightly less effectively. But still as annoying. "Wade, what are you doing. Wade. Stahp."

A few more useless hits, before he pokes the shield experimentally with the bat. "I thought yellow was supposed to be your kryptonite! Comics lied to me!" he exclaims, throwing the bat at the shield. It bounces off, of course.

I stare at him blankly. "That's the green ones. Though there's also one allergic to bullets, but only if you time travel to when he accepts the script. Just make sure to kill Dudepeel if you get the chance too."

"Ooh! Meta."

"But yeah. Is this whole thing because I ruined Chili's for you?"

He points at me. "You didn't JUST ruin Chili's. You ruined Chimichangamas. When I was a boy, we'd come down to the tree in the morning, and there would be chimichangas wrapped beneath, piled tall! But you...! You heartless monster. You'd disappeared and we thought Chimichangamas was safe, but now that you're back... nothing will ever be safe again."

I nodded. "Okay. Yeah, that's fair. I'll leave the chimi's alone. So, good news, bad news, or stupid news?"

He rubbed his hands together. "Ooh, I get to pick? Hmm... fück good, marry stupid, kill bad."

"Should have expected that," I groan. "Okay. Bad: there are things happening that will lead to increasingly bad things that ruin everything for everyone. Good: I'm here, so I can slap literally everyone upside the head, including the goddamn Phoenix."

"That flaming chicken sure does get around, doesn't she? She should have stuck with Colonel Sanders, but even eleven herbs and spices weren't enough for her. So, what's the stupid?"

"The plot." I shake my head slowly, even as Wade tilts his head to look at me skeptically.

"I mean... stupid things happen around here all the time. Is this in the top ten?"

With a nod, I reply, "Wade, this is number three, right behind the idiocy that is Krakoa, which happens as a consequence of this idiocy."

"Dude! Spoilers! ... so what's number one?"

With the power of being aware of the fourth wall, I turn to look directly at YOU, the READER (who JK Rowling has decided was gay all along; who knew she was on /b/). "A tie between One More Day and ... Paul." I shudder.

Wade shudders.

You shuddered too. Don't deny it. It's okay, I understand. It's ... Paul.

"I swear that dude's worse than the one that wouldn't let Kitty Pryde keep a boyfriend. Fückin' creeps behind the curtain." I clap my hands, "So! I'm going to just say 'fück it'. No low profile. Blow up a fückin' helicarrier, blow up a fückin' island, blow up fückin' Sinister and throw Apocalypse into the sun because that never gets old. And then I'm gonna blow up fückin' Wakanda because they keep not curing cancer like that makes them good guys."

"I'd call them pricks, but then they'd cancel me. So what about the Phoenix?"

"I'm gonna turn her into the universe's biggest battery, then I'm gonna seduce Rogue and have the best sex of my life."

Wade started backing away, none too slowly. "Oookay! So. You have fun with that. If you need me, I'm just gonna be, uh. Not here. In fact I'm going to be away. Far, far away."

Ladies and gentlemen... Wade Wilson.

Frankly, aside from the psychopaths that decided to arrest me, or try to their luck on collecting a bounty that popped up after I made the Phoenix disappear (much like Frosty the Snowman she'll be back again some day), things went pretty smoothly. I'm just happy this wasn't a ten year stay, this time. Though I did, at least, give Peter and Mary Jane a leg up.

That's right, I gave Mary Jane distilled powers from the Phoenix, mixed with a dash of magic. She didn't feel the need to run out and do anything particularly big, but she did get pyrokinesis. And fire-based teleportation. Which works between dimensions.

Sucks to suck, Paul. Try suck-starting a twelve gauge, that'll be the one thing that makes people like you.

As for Rogue? Well. A gentlemen doesn't kiss and tell.