The Making of a Christmas Carol

The Making of A Christmas Carol [Mockumentary Audio][Behind The Scenes of A Christmas Carol][Victorian References][Modern Day References][Humor][Nostalgia Sprites][Crisis Actors][Twists on Classics][SFW][Parody]

Cast List:
Interviewer (all scenes): Any voice. The straight character who interviews Dickens and the characters from a Christmas Carol.

Dickens (Scene one): Male voice. Verbose ranting old man who likes to talk at length about any topic.

Marley (Scene two): Male voice. Sporty dude bro who hates how soft society is becoming.

Cratchit (Scene three): Male voice. Modern socialist with very PC views.

Ghost of Christmas Past (Scene four): Any voice. Nostalgia sprite who feeds off people's love of the past.

Ghost of Christmas Present (Scene five): Any voice. Grumpy person who lives in the moment. He just wants the interviewer to leave him alone.

Ghost of Christmas Future (Scene six): Any voice. Misunderstood and overly emotional. They just want a hug.

Tiny Tim (Scene seven): Any voice. Crisis actor who likes to make people cry.
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Scene 1:

Dickens: I mean, none of us knew how big it was going to be when we started. We were all so young. I felt so alive. I mean back then I *was* alive but you get the idea...

Interviewer: So, how did it all start?

Dickens: Well, I needed inspiration for my new book. I wanted to do something Christmas-y. But happiness just never fucking sells. People want misery. They want spooky. They want scary. And I'll tell you gave them that way before that Burton fellow. Honestly, the youth of today are even more fucking emo than in my time. Thankfully, we didn't even have the word 'emo'. Oooh, I'm so edgy because I love Halloween and fucking hate Christmas. Sometimes, I think we should have saved the whole ghost shtick for some edgelord who wouldn't know real heartache if it hit one the right side of the head.

Interviewer: Um...okay. Could you maybe...um, say a little more about the process though?

Dickens: Well, I had it in good with the ghosts before I started my whole writing career. I met Marley back when I was in the Garrick troupe. He always said theatres were his old Haunt, get it? Anyway, we go way back. Way before I was a ghost myself. Way before I even started writing. Such a good lad. He even supported me in my audition for Coventry Garden. Such a shame about that cold. I really do think that I could have made it as an actor. I had the talent, the emotionality. The rawness. And back in those days...

Interviewer: Um, Mr. Dickens?

Dickens: Back in those days theater was very much the thing. It wasn't stiff like it is now. Theater was pure chaos. Audiences were so fresh and lively. Oh, one does miss its character. Its charm. Its beauty. It reminds me of that time...

Interviewer: Um, thank you for your time, Mr. Dickens. We'll call back if we have any follow-ups.

Dickens: Oh, you kids these days are always in such a rush. Why not enjoy some nice tea while I finish my story?

Interviewer (panicky): That sounds great, but I really have to leave now. Bye.

*door closing*

Scene 2

Marley: Hahaha, Dickens was always paid by the word. In every sense. The fellow hasn't changed a bit. Once he gets going, there's no stopping him. You should count yourself lucky that he didn't cry. He always cries. It's whatever. After two hundred and fifty years you'd think that the boy would learn to man-up.

Interview: Um...

Marley: Yeah, I know. You aren't supposed to say stuff like that anymore. But what are you the PC police? Fuck that shit, sensitivity culture is really ruining the youth of America. All those damn special snowflakes.

Interview: Uh...

Marley: Oh and I know that you're going to tell me. (mocking) But Mr. Marley didn't your era have so much death? Aren't we better off now?

Interviewer: Well, I was actually going to ask about your prank on scrooge...

Marley (ignoring): Well, I'll tell you this. Death builds character. Nobody has no time to worry about damn linguistics if they might keel over and die at any minute. You lived only to survive. And for nothing else. Not like any of you softies.

Interviewer: Well....speaking of which...What made you want to help soften scrooge's heart?

Marley: Scrooge....Scrooge...Are people still on about that fellow?

Interviewer: Um, yes? The story has been adapted over a hundred-

Marley: Of course, Dickens. Wee Dickens. Stupid fellow gets all the credit for everything. I did all the real work on that poor man's soul. Took two hours to get that damn chain around my neck and then the damn dick was like 'wait wait wait...I think that the metaphor is tired'. Always such a perfectionist. But I told him to shove it. I was already 'chained' to the idea. Get it?

Interviewer: Um...

Marley: Anyway, I gave up a good night of Football to go do it. That was before the American version was invented. I've always like that one better since the whole damn sport went soft. Less kicking more tackling. Come on, I want to see bruises.

Interviewer: Okay, but Scrooge?

Marley: Oh, him. Well, the poor man was scared out of his mind. Honestly, the whole three ghost thing wasn't necessary. He was pretty much reformed within two seconds. But, as I said, Dickens was paid by the word and he wanted to be exacting.

Interviewer: Well, uh, glad it worked out.

Marley: Sort of, I'm pretty sure that he gave him PTSD. But the concept hadn't been invented yet so...We just thought he was kind of funny after that.

(pause)

Marley: Oh, don't look at me like that. He's just a big baby like Dickens. Poorboys and their feelings. You lot have got to learn to toughen up. Go moose hunting or something. Builds character.

Interviewer: Um, thanks. I'll keep that in mind.

Scene 3:

Cratchit: Yeah, I know. You weren't expecting me to be a girl. Dickens-with his mind ever stuck in the patriarchy-insisted that it be Bob Cratchit and not Bobby Cratchit in the novel. I kind of wanted to shove the Betchel test at him. Anyway, the thing was Scrooge was never actually *that* bad a guy. Adjusting for inflation, he actually paid me above federal minimum wage in...um certain countries.

Interviewer: Wow, that's depressing.

Cratchit: Yeah, modern poverty is a little less charming, isn't it? Honestly, it wasn't cute in our time either. But Dickens is all saccharine emotions. He doesn't really see the broader structural issues.

Interviewer: Uh? What?

Cratchit: I mean like...Scrooge...I mean like in the metaphorical sense-the actual Scrooge was pretty nice. But the concept of someone like Scrooge places emphasis in the wrong place. Scrooge-the metaphor, not the person- is only a product of a society that considers capitalist production to be of utmost importance. It's to be expected for Scroogelike people to exist when money is what is needed for survival. And warming the heart of one man won't solve the problem. The whole system still demands that people be greedy.

(pause)

Interviewer: Well..um...that's very well put. But Dickens' story has reached millions. Don't you think that it serves as a reminder not to be greedy?

Cratchit. No. This entire holiday is greedy. The season of giving is really just the season of spending. Yeah, people buy stuff for others. But they still buy stuff. It's capitalism at its finest. The companies make money and everyone else is a little poorer. All this stupid story does is remind the wrong people to empty their pockets.

Interviewer: But-but it warms people's hearts.

Cratchit: How? I honestly don't get it. The whole schtick was to scare Scrooge into being a good person. But how does that actually help him in any way? Like, he fears eternal damnation so now he's trying to be nice out of sheer terror? What's heartwarming about that?

Interviewer: Um?

Cratchit: And the real Scrooge wasn't even that bad. He just a hardworking savant who didn't understand why Christmas was important to some people. We could have just sat him down and explained to him why people got so into it and everything would have been fine.

Interviewer: Wait, wait. So why didn't you?

Cratchit: Well, before Dickens and Marley showed up, I never cared much. I didn't have a family so honestly, I was kind of happy for an excuse to get out of the house that day.

Interviewer: Huh? But your husband? Tiny Tim?

Cratchit: Actors hired for the bit. Honestly, I was pushing for inclusivity and wanted to get myself a wife instead. But that was kind of a hard sell in 1843. But whatever, they were both nice enough and we only had to do a couple of scenes together. I don't know, if I was going to be involved in a horrible plot to give a poor man PTSD, at least it was a kind of fun way to do it.

Interviewer: Right, but if you didn't want to do it in the first place, then why did you go along with it?

Cratchit (sighing): Look, my therapist says that I have a problem saying 'no' to people. I'm trying to work on it, but it's going to take a few hundred years, alright? (trailing off) Anyway, Scrooge was fine...eventually...kind of...

Scene 4

Christmas Past: So, 'Ghost of Christmas Past' is kind of a misnomer. I'm not actually a ghost at all. I'm more like a sprite. I'm kept alive by nostalgic memories. Like when you remember the smell of playdough? I feed off that energy. It keeps me alive. So, when Marley contacted me about the whole Scrooge thing...well, I wasn't going to turn down a free meal.

Interviewer: So, you're like a memory vampire?

Christmas Past: Kind of. Except I don't turn people. I just make them think that the past was way better than it actually was. Like, you don't really want to go back and sleep on a college mattress while pretending that you don't hear your roommate masturbating on bed across from you. But, when you think about your 'old college days', then you suddenly want to do it all over again.

Interviewer: Wow, I never really thought about it that way before...

Christmas Past: Oh honey, there is a whole industry around it now. Memory sprites are basically the only reason that candy corn and inflatable furniture still exist. I'm already being contracted by companies to help the Gen Z kids remember fidget spinners and Tik Tok dances. But personally, I haven't looked too much into it yet. The freaking Millenials are already such a feast. Poor saps want to remember the only good decade of their lives. I only need to keep a few Zoobooks in my back pocket and I'm satisfied for days.

Interviewer: Oh hey, I remember Zoobooks! Wait...

Christmas Past (laughing): So much easier than Scrooge. No sudden trips to the past needed. Just a few Zoobooks and maybe a scented marker or two?

Interviewer: Scented markers...

Christmas Past: It's fine, sweetie. I won't hurt you. I just need to feed off your energy. So, why don't we sit down and have a nice meal together? Do you happen to like Lunchables?

Interviewer: I...Well, I guess I can spare a minute...if you have Lunchables.

Christmas Past: Of course, anytime honey. Just sit back relax and enjoy your memories for a bit. Those mini pizzas taste like cardboard but trust me, you won't care.

Scene 5:

Christmas Present: Hey, what you do want?

Interviewer: Are you the Ghost of Christmas Present?

Christmas Present: At present, yes.

(pause)

Christmas Present: This is the part where you laugh and get on with whatever you want.

Interviewer: Oh um..

Christmas Present (warning): Laugh.

Interviewer: *forced laughter* Anyway, I wanted to ask you some questions about a Christmas Carol.

Christmas Present: Well, get on with it. I don't have all day.

Interviewer: Well, maybe you could start by describing your memories of that day.

Christmas Present: I don't care about my memories. The past is the past. I want nothing to do with it.  The future is the future. It's not worth thinking about. I live in the moment.

Interviewer: Um, okay...

Christmas Present: This is the part where you say that my name fits with my beliefs.

Interviewer: Um...

Christmas Present: Say it.

Interviewer: Your name fits with your beliefs?

Christmas Present: Great. What's your next question?

Interviewer: Well, can you explain how you got Scrooge to-

Christmas Present: Don't care. It's in the past.

Interviewer: Well, what about working with other ghosts?

Christmas Present: In the past.

Interviewer: Um, how was your relationship with Marley?

Christmas Present: In the past.

Interviewer (sighing): Are you going to answer any questions about a Christmas Carol at all?

Christmas Present: Not if it's in the past.

Interviewer: Well...um...

Christmas Present: This is the part where you leave me alone.

Interviewer: Right, um...leaving now. So sorry to bother you.

Scene 6:
Christmas Future (excited): Wait, you really want to talk to me? Me!?

Interviewer: Yeah, I was a little surprised to hear that you could talk, but I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Christmas Future (emotional): Oh, everyone always thinks that. It drives me crazy. Dickens even wrote in the book that I was only quiet because Scrooge was afraid of me. And that's what happened in real life too. He wanted me to be quiet and I was just trying to be a good person and do what he wanted.

Interviewer: I'm sorry.

Christmas Future: Don't be. It's not your fault. I just wish I had done something different. I felt so bad for scaring him so much. I just wanted to give him a hug and tell him that everything would be alright. But I couldn't because I didn't want to break my promise. So, I just had to watch him slowly descend into madness.

Interviewer: That must have been rough.

Christmas Future: It was and he was already in such bad shape before I even showed up. Marley insisted I wear this old bathrobe with a black veil. I thought that I looked like a nun who just took a shower, but somehow it still scared the living daylight out of Scrooge. Although to be fair, I probably also looked like a lamp. Anyway, he was already so shaken that I could have been wearing a girl scout uniform and he still probably would have started screaming. Ugh, sometimes I can still hear him. I just wish I had done more to help.

Interviewer: Well, at least you tried?

Christmas Future: Wasn't enough. It will never be enough for either of us.

Interviewer: What do you mean?

Christmas Future: He's still afraid of everything and everyone's afraid of me. Ever since that story got popular, no one approaches me anymore. Doesn't matter if I'm wearing the costume or not. They don't care. It's still too scary. I haven't gotten to touch another person in 250 years. Do you have any idea what that feels like?

Interviewer: Um...

Christmas Future: Can-can I just have a hug, please?

Interviewer: Um, sure?

Christmas Future (excited): Thank you. Thank you.

Interviewer (confused): Sure? Anytime?

Scene 7

Tiny Tim: Yeah, I'm was a proud crisis actor both in my life and now in my death. Honestly, I don't know why I enjoy it as much as I do. But I kind of get off on getting people to break down and cry. And it's the most amazing feeling in the world to know that I've caused it.

Interviewer: Um...

Tiny Tim: Anyway, I really lucked out in the looks department because I still appeared like a child even though I was in my 20s when I played Tiny Tim. I'm kinda like that one actor who plays Jojen Reed in Game of Thrones.

Interviewer: Thomas Brodie-Sangster?

Tiny Tim: Yeah, him. He's great. Not as good as me, but I really admire his work. It takes a certain talent to play a child as an adult. You have to really commit to the bit if you want to see people just bawl their eyes out. And it's way harder to do these days. Back in the 1840s, it was easy enough for me to work as an orphan-for-hire. Churchs wanted us by dozens to ask for all those alms. They pocketed most of the profits for themselves, but it was worth it to me as long as I could get a few tears out of all ladies.

Interviewer: Um, okay...

Tiny Tim: But now, it's so much harder. I'm mostly stuck working at those staged accident scenes with Mothers Against Drunk Driving. And the teens are already so over it that they just don't care when they see my tiny body being lifted out of a car. No tears. Nothing. Just a couple of quick snaps for their Instagram story.

(pause)

Tiny Tim: *sigh* All those years working on that limp for nothing. And, what's worse, I'm being type-cast now too. Every single role is the innocent little boy. Never once got another call for a demonically possessed kid or a precocious savant. And if I have to be lifted onto some man's shoulders one more time, I'm going to scream.

Interviewer: Well, I'm sorry that you had to go through that...

Tiny Tim: But you still want me to say the line don't you?

Interviewer: Kinda yeah...

Tiny Tim: Whatever, it's fine...ahem...God bless us, everyone.