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  1. #76
  2. 01-15-2013, 05:28 AM
  3. Re: F4W/WO Back Issues (94,97, 99-00, 02-03) SHAPIRO SNH arc
  4.  
  5. 10/2/02, Dave, the poet
  6.  
  7. B.G. James & Syxx-Pac came out to dance and recite poetry. I finally got the visual of Harley Race out there doing a goofy Bob Armstrong/JYD dance and it's not a pretty sight. In honor of his bad poem, I've got a bad one of my own. We have a good friend named Scott Hall. Whose career has taken a great fall. He's not here today. We won't even do the usual wrestling lie and say. His mother has died or his plane was delayed. Instead we've got no reason at all why at home he has stayed.
  8. 10/16/02
  9.  
  10. I have no comment
  11.  
  12. B.G. James & Hermie Sadler beat Jeff Jarrett & Bruce. A guy held up a sign which read, "Hermie Sadler blows engines; but Bruce blows me." I just hope that guy has no friends, because anyone who was would be embarrassed by someone going in public and holding up a sign like that. Well, I guess he's okay, since the odds of anyone knowing him ordering this show would be astronomical. Horrible match, especially Sadler working with Bruce. Bruce liked getting the pump handle slam from B.G., who suddenly decided he didn't like doing it anymore. Jarrett and James fought up the ramp and Lawler hit James with a garbage can. In the ring, Sadler pinned Bruce clean. Luckily this group respects tradition, as they kept emphasizing during the show, so the Miss TNA title wasn't up in the tag match, so Sadler doesn't have to race in drag over the weekend. After the match, Bruce tried to make out with Jeff, but Jeff turned into his Stone Cold persona and gave him a low blow. Wait, that's his Chyna persona.
  13. 10/23/02
  14.  
  15. Curt Hennig & B.G. James came out for an interview. This was a good one. Hennig said, not once but twice, how he took down Brock Lesnar at 35,000 feet. I guess "take down" is now a carny term for being squashed like a bloated grape. Hennig also made fun of DDP calling him a mark who wanted to look like him. Well, Hennig always used to call Page a mark. Funny how the last few years of each's respective career, Page had so many more good performances than Hennig. Hennig also claimed Jarrett wanted to be like him, pointing out he did a song called "Rap is Crap" and then Jarrett copied him doing a country music singer gimmick. Well, those of you who remember the time lines would find that one funny.
  16.  
  17.  
  18. ~~~~
  19.  
  20.  
  21. 2/4/2001 5:29:00 PM
  22. WOW Preview -- Figure Four Weekly Heroes of Wrestling PPV Report
  23.  
  24. by Bryan Alvarez
  25.  
  26. Thanks for clicking on this special feature. If you enjoy this article and decide you’d like to become a regular subscriber, information on how to do so is located at the end of this issue.
  27.  
  28. Heroes of Wrestling PPV Review
  29. From Figure Four Weekly #225 -- October 18, 1999
  30.  
  31.  
  32. The absolute, hands-down worst pay-per-view of all time aired on October 10th, 1999.
  33.  
  34. The Heroes of Wrestling pay-per-view from Bay St. Louis, Mississippi will probably become a cult classic. I took sparse notes on this show since I figured it would be horrible and didn’t actually think I’d do a write-up for the newsletter. Little did I know.
  35.  
  36. The show opened with a pyro explosion so pathetic that I was sure it was a joke. I thought there were two guys standing off-stage shooting Roman candles into the air. Dutch Mantell and Randy Rosenbloom introduced the pay-per-view. Gordon Solie was billed as appearing at the show, but he ended up being hospitalized on October 11th after a growth was discovered on his vocal cords that was so large it actually displaced his heart and lungs, making breathing difficult and speaking almost impossible. He was hospitalized earlier this week, and our best wishes go out to him.
  37.  
  38. Rosenbloom said 2,000 people had packed the building (it seats well over 3,000). Later in the show, he would call it a sold-out crowd. Randy Rosenbloom proved to be, by far, the absolute worst announcer in the history of pro-wrestling.
  39.  
  40. In a sign of things to come, they said hurricanes had ravaged the East Coast, but nothing would compare to what would happen at the Heroes of Wrestling PPV. In other words, they compared this show to a natural disaster.
  41.  
  42. Crisper Stanford was the ring announcer for the evening. Yes, his first name really was “Crisper”.
  43.  
  44. 1. Samoan Swat Team beat Marty Jannetty & Tommy Rogers. Lou Albano came out to help call this match. The manager for the Samoans, who was some mook I had never seen before, talked for what appeared to be a full hour. It was the worst heel promo of the year. Jannetty and Tommy Rogers were in pretty good shape for guys pushing 40. Jannetty went all out for this PPV by showing up in jean shorts. Here’s a trivia note for you: Sam Fatu is the current Portland Wrestling Heavyweight Champion. This was not mentioned on commentary. Speaking of commentary, Marty threw a dropkick and Rosenbloom called it a “flying leg kick”. Marty threw another one and Rosenbloom identified it as a “flying leg drop”. Albano finally had to cut in and say: “That was just a dropkick”. Man, when Lou Albano has to correct you, you really suck. The Samoans won after hitting Rogers with a TKO, which Rosenbloom called a “face smasher”. Pretty bad, but not horrible. *
  45.  
  46. Greg Valentine cut a promo and said George Steele was going to “lay down and die” during their match. Steele was not the only guy I feared would lay down and die during this show.
  47.  
  48. 2. Greg Valentine beat George Steele. Sherri Martel came out with George but ended up turning on him during the match. George is over 60 and could do almost literally nothing. Valentine won after Sherri hit George with the weakest chairshot of the month. This was atrocious. George ate a turnbuckle afterwards.
  49. -**
  50.  
  51. 3. Too Cold Scorpio beat Julio Fantastico. Fantastico was Julio Sanchez in disguise. His disguise consisted of a pair of trunks with “Fantastico” airbrushed on them. Scorpio came out with a WCW replica belt that you can buy in the magazine for $150. I swear that’s true and don’t even ask me why. Lou Albano helped with commentary again. Scorpio won with a tumbleweed that missed. Of course, they showed a replay of this move in slow motion. Albano said he’d never ever seen production like this before. He was right. They announced that Albano had been named Commissioner of the Heroes of Wrestling. They never told us what duties he would perform or why he was chosen, but I’d assume it was because he knew the difference between a dropkick and a flying leg drop. *3/4
  52.  
  53. The rotund King Kong Bundy cut a promo and called Yokozuna “Porkozuna”.
  54.  
  55. 4. Bushwhackers beat Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff. This was the absolute worst professional wrestling match I have ever seen in my whole entire life. I can remember two matches off the top of my head that at one point I thought were the worst ever. The first was the epic Hulk Hogan vs. Warrior match at Halloween Havoc (that match also included the legendary “Log Roll spot”, which to this day still ranks as the single worst spot I’ve ever seen two people perform). The second was a Cascade Championship Wrestling main event featuring Lewis Rach, Dave Dobashi — who, ironically, also had a “Sheik” gimmick — and “Coach” Mike Jones, that was so bad that the legendary “Playboy” Buddy Rose, who was sitting ringside, actually had to stand up out of his seat, grab the house mic and scream: “Hey, you guys need to calm down and relax before somebody gets killed!” Neither of those two matches could even compare to this. Sheik and Volkoff came to the ring accompanied by this tall, skinny guy. This skinny guy was carrying these two thin objects which looked like the little barriers that guide you through the line at a fast-food restaurant. Nikolai — who was wearing his old USSR jacket despite the fact that the USSR, currently, does not exist — sang his song before the match. I would tell you what song he sang, but I’m afraid he may have been speaking a language that also doesn’t exist anymore. Their manager then said that Sheik, whose hips and knees were so ravaged that he looked like he could hardly walk, was going to perform a feat of strength with the two fast-food restaurant barriers. Sheik then proceeded to swing the objects — which could not have weighed more than five or ten pounds apiece — in an erratic fashion above his head, all the while exhibiting a facial expression of extreme accomplishment and gratification. For the first time in my young life, I actually laughed so long and so hard that I swear I was crying on my pad. Then the match started. None of these four guys could do anything, with the exception of Sheik, who at one point assumed a bodily position that Rosenbloom described as “a classic mid-European pose”. Then, in the greatest spot in the history of professional wrestling, Volkoff attempted a backbreaker, but he couldn’t get that damned Bushwhacker up high enough, so he ended up just lowering him rather nonchalantly to the mat. Rosenbloom, in the defining moment of his career, called the move a “soft slam”. I laughed so hard at that point that not only was I crying, but my chest actually tightened up and I legit thought I might be having a heart attack. I swear to God this is all true. The Bushwhackers won after Volkoff accidentally hit Sheik with an object. This set the standard by which all other horrible matches will forever be judged. For historical purposes, I will give this match -*****, because that is as low as you can possibly go, but in my heart I know that this match was negative more stars than there are stars in the entire universe, and the universe is infinite.
  56.  
  57. Tully Blanchard cut the best promo of the evening, which isn’t saying much.
  58.  
  59. 5. Tully Blanchard d. Stan Lane. Lane introduced himself since he’s an ESPN announcer now. Blanchard was in very good shape, probably even better than when he was an actual active wrestler. They kept cutting to these crowd shots of women, who weren’t particularly attractive, staring off into space in a boredom-induced stupor. Rosenbloom said they were captivated by “Sweet” Stan Lane. Blanchard won after Lane hit him with a back suplex and the referee ruled that Lane’s shoulders were down for three. Horrible finish and even the announcers didn’t know what in the hell was going on. This was really bad. DUD
  60.  
  61. 6. Abdullah the Butcher NC One Man Gang. Gang looked shockingly old, and he’s not even 40. They both gigged and bled like mofos. They finally brawled to the back and the match ended. For whatever reason, the fans loved this match and even cheered the finish. They just wanted to see blood, I guess, because the match itself was horrible. -*
  62.  
  63. I think Rosenbloom said Snuka and Orton had been feuding since 1884, but if you think I’m getting the replay to make sure you’re crazy.
  64.  
  65. 7. Jimmy Snuka beat Bob Orton. Snuka looked SO old. “Let’s face it,” Mantell said at one point, “both of these guys are older!” Snuka won with a crossbody off the top. Horrific. -**
  66.  
  67. 8. Jim Neidhart & King Kong Bundy beat Yokozuna & Jake Roberts. This was supposed to be Roberts vs. Neidhart and Bundy vs. Yokozuna, but they turned it into a tag-match halfway through the Roberts vs. Neidhart bout. Jake looked absolutely horrendous and was long gone. Yokozuna, despite being billed as the main event on the show, was in the ring a total of 30 seconds and never even locked up with Bundy. Jake got the hot tag near the finish, but was quickly pinned by Bundy, even though neither guy was the legal man. Whatever. At least it was over. -***
  68.  
  69.  
  70.  
  71. I hope you enjoyed this special feature. If you’ve decided to try a subscription, thank you. We have several easy ways to order. If you'd like to subscribe through the mail, you can send a check or money order payable to “Figure Four Weekly” to:
  72.  
  73. Figure Four Weekly
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  76.  
  77. If you'd like to order with your VISA or Mastercard, you can call toll-free 1-800-960-3366.
  78.  
  79. For fastest service, you can send your name, address, number of issues desired, credit card number and card expiration date to me via e-mail (bryan@wrestlingobserver.com) and I will send out your first issue that afternoon.
  80.  
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  86.  
  87. Our international rates are:
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  93.  
  94. Those wishing to subscribe in the UK, please contact Stewart Dougall at: wrestlestar46@hotmail.com
  95.  
  96.  
  97. If you have any further questions, you can contact me anytime at: bryan@wrestlingobserver.com
  98. [ Features ][ Archives ][ Search ]
  99.  
  100. ~~~~~
  101.  
  102. 12/6/2000 4:25:00 PM
  103. One Year Ago in Figure Four Weekly
  104.  
  105. by Bryan Alvarez (bryan@wrestlingobserver.com)
  106.  
  107. Thanks for clicking on this special feature, One Year Ago in Figure Four Weekly. If you enjoy this issue and decide you’d like to become a regular subscriber, information on how to do so is located at the end of this issue.
  108.  
  109. -----
  110.  
  111. Figure Four Weekly
  112. Issue 233, December 13, 1999
  113. Yo Adrian, he did it!
  114.  
  115.  
  116. This past Sunday, Mick Foley’s book kicked ass on the New York Times bestseller list.
  117.  
  118. Foley’s book, "Have a Nice Day: A Tale of Blood and Sweatsocks" hit number one on December 5th, 1999. Foley has stated on many occasions that this book is probably the best thing he’s ever done in his life. The fact that this book hit number one is not only amazing because a pro-wrestler wrote it, but also because the book was reviewed by hardly anyone in the mainstream media and was difficult to get hold of due to thousands of bookstores around the nation refusing to carry it. In fact, at one point it completely sold out its 9,000 book press run and was literally impossible to get for over a week.
  119.  
  120. The book is great. Foley, being the Hardcore Legend that he is, wrote the book all by himself by hand on 760 pages of notebook paper between May 7 and July 1, 1999. It tracks his career from the days of roof jumping at Danny Zucker’s house to his first WWF Title win over Rock on December 29, 1998.
  121.  
  122. For fans, the book gives a great glimpse of what it’s like to love, train for and then compete in professional wrestling literally around the world. Foley is very funny and honest throughout the book and it certainly isn’t written to give anyone the impression that professional wrestling is a true athletic contest. On the other hand, there is a downside to the book for the casual or non-fan in that Foley makes a lot of references to events, people and insider lingo that only hardcore fans (and sometimes only wrestlers) would understand.
  123.  
  124. For wrestlers in training, this book offers a glimpse of what it’s like to really pay your dues. I may be generalizing, but in the late 90s "paying your dues" for many students is being given a five spot by your trainer and being told to run down and get him a Jumbo Jack value meal with a Coke. The concept of sleeping in your car, or driving 200 miles to train for a couple of hours, or driving 24 hours round trip to a show that’s been cancelled are foreign to a lot of guys breaking in nowadays.
  125.  
  126. For current wrestlers, it’s a great book about a guy who is pretty much universally respected within this business. Foley talks honestly about many of the guys he’s dealt with over the years, including Ric Flair, whom he says he respects as a great performer, but not necessarily as a great person. He also goes into great detail about most of the major matches he’s famous for, both here in the US and during his tours of Japan, and what it was like working with everybody.
  127.  
  128. The book, due to its success, will also open the door to many other wrestlers getting major book deals through independent publishers. Bill Goldberg just signed a high six-figure deal last week to pen his autobiography due out next year. Autobiographies of Rock, Dynamite Kid, Dallas Page and Steve Austin are either scheduled to be released soon or have already been released.
  129.  
  130. Because his book was written by himself (as opposed to those of the Rock and Steve Austin, which were ghostwritten) and released by a major publishing house (as opposed to those written by Page and Dynamite), Foley’s book will probably be the most successful of the modern era. Ironically, because Foley’s book was also basically the first, the advance he received was exactly zero dollars and zero cents.
  131.  
  132. Also released last week was the complete Dude Love movie that Foley talks about in length in the book. Clips of this movie, including the infamous roof-jumping scene, have aired several times on WWF programming. The movie, called "The Loved One", is exactly what you’d expect. A goofy home movie starring Mick Foley as "Dude Love" and Danny Zucker as "The Grand Lizard". Although it is obviously a low-budget home movie, it’s actually surprisingly good for a group of love-struck 18-year-old kids, most of which had to have their scripts taped to the inside of magazines they were reading because they couldn’t remember their lines. This video, like the book, is highly recommended, and comes complete with some special bonus footage that readers of Mick’s bio will surely appreciate.
  133.  
  134. To order the video, you can hop on over to www.thelovedone.com, or send a check or money order to: BP Productions and Marketing Inc., 2442 NW Market Street #392, Seattle, WA 98107. The video is $19.95 plus shipping and handling. If you live in the US, shipping and handling is $5.95. If you live in Canada or Mexico, shipping and handling is $9.00. If you live anywhere else, shipping and handling is $15.
  135.  
  136. Support Mick Foley because he’s one of the best you’ll ever see.
  137.  
  138. PTC says they’ll monitor Smackdown
  139.  
  140. The stupidity of Vince McMahon apparently knows no bounds. Even though an outside group had begun putting pressure on advertisers to drop their sponsorship of Smackdown, a move that resulted in over a half dozen sponsors pulling out and sending the WWFE stock plummeting to 16 and 5/8 Monday (its lowest mark ever), Vince decided to air a special at 8:00 PM on UPN last Tuesday featuring about as much raunch and filth as can be packaged into a 60-minute TV show.
  141.  
  142. The "Best of WWF Special" on UPN featured a bunch of Hell in the Cell clips from both Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels and Undertaker vs. Mankind. So we saw blood, chairshots, a human body being thrown off a 16-foot cage, a human body being thrown through the top of a cage to the mat, and a human body being chokeslammed on tacks. That’s family fun at 8:00 PM. Then we saw clips of the Inferno match where the goal was to light your opponent’s body on fire. The Rock "This is You Life" segment aired, in which Rock said "Poontang Pie" numerous times. They showed DX footage. Remember that University study that found something like 1,600 instances of crotch chops over the course of one season of Raw? Well, about 1,000 of them aired in this segment alone. They showed the lewdest GTV clips they could find. They showed some Val Venis and Mark Henry segments. Henry informed the audience repeatedly that he was addicted to sex. The Godfather talked about all his ho’s. Henry was shown fondling Sammy and then discovering that she was a man. They showed some catfights with Ivory, Tori and Debra. They showed the mud-wrestling match from Smackdown which saw Kitty get her top torn off. They showed Chyna applying the testicular claw to the Stooges. Then there was a montage of a bunch of anti-social things Steve Austin has done, including running over the Rock’s car with a monster truck and beating the piss out of Santa Claus.
  143.  
  144. Vince really does have balls the size of grapefruits.
  145.  
  146. Luckily for Vince and his evil billionaire status, it appears nobody with any "stroke" saw this special because it didn’t get any negative publicity whatsoever. However, we learned this week that the PTC has been following Smackdown since day one, meaning L. Brent Bozell III knew about the WWF content before Smackdown even came on the air. Bozell also made it clear in a press release that he is going to be monitoring the show from this point forward to see if the WWF truly does stick to their word.
  147. The WWF also announced last week that Raw will probably be moving to TV-PG soon as well. Although this week’s show was still TV-14, WWF claimed last Monday that Road Dogg and Godfather would have new catchphrases for the December 6 show. Check out the TV report to hear about these major changes.
  148.  
  149. The stock dip seems to really have put a chokehold on the WWF, as they appear to have begun a concerted effort to change the product, even if it is only for the short-term. The WWF has historically tried fighting outside groups that put pressure on the company, and the results have usually been disastrous. The plan, as of a few weeks ago, was for the "Sign Guy" who kept showing up on WWF TV to represent Bozell and the outside groups putting pressure on the WWF. He was abruptly dropped in light of this controversy. Smackdown, as promised, was also toned down considerably last week and they even got some positive press in newspapers around the country.
  150.  
  151. Things seem to be calming down with WWFE stock closing at 19 and 1/2 Tuesday after hitting a low that day of an abysmal 14 and 13/16.
  152.  
  153. IWGP Jr. Title Disaster
  154.  
  155. When rumors began that Jushin Liger was going to come to America, everybody who followed wrestling knew it was probably going to be a disaster. However, Vince Russo displayed incredible destructive talent by turning it into an even bigger disaster than anyone could have possibly imagined.
  156.  
  157. First, Juvie beat Liger for the IWGP Jr. Title after hitting him with a Tequila bottle. During the match, Juvie did a crazy dive and splatted on the cement, breaking his arm. Juvie later claimed that Liger moved out of the way and refused to catch him. Careful viewing of the incident in slow motion reveals that Liger did not move out of the way, although it was clear that he didn’t move into a better position to catch Juvie and made no effort whatsoever to break his fall. On one hand, I can see Juvie’s point of view, but on the other hand the accident took place very quickly and Liger might not really have had time to move into a better catching position. Juvie did go awfully high on his dive.
  158.  
  159. On Thunder, Juvie addressed the incident during the Benoit vs. Liger match. His commentary was hilarious and basically a shoot. He called Liger "unprofessional" and a "con" for not "catching" him on the dive. Poor Mike Tenay was trying to save whatever kayfabe is left in this sport by asking how Liger could be unprofessional when all he did was get hit by a high-risk move. At one point, Liger went for a dive and Juvie screamed: "Move, Chris, move!", which was the funniest line of the week. Chris didn’t move, and Juvie began praising him for being "professional" enough to "catch" Liger. Man, that was weird.
  160.  
  161. At this point, some people thought the belt couldn’t be tarnished any further. These people were wrong. Since Juvie had a broken arm, Russo booked an angle where Psicosis and La Parka had to brawl in his office, with the winner getting to defend the belt against Liger. Psicosis won. So Liger went on to win back the IWGP Jr. Title from Juventud Guererra by beating Psicosis on the worst Nitro in months.
  162.  
  163. Unlike in the United States, titles actually mean something in Japan. Needless to say, the IWGP Jr. Title switches were not acknowledged in Japan. In fact, at nearly the exact moment that Juvie won the belt last week, New Japan announced Liger vs. Koji Kanemoto for the title at the January Tokyo Dome show. Basically, New Japan is trying to just forget that this whole incident ever happened.
  164.  
  165. Special Thanks
  166. I would like to thank the following individuals for their help in putting Figure Four Weekly together: Gladys Gibson, Carlos and Valerie Alvarez, Dave Meltzer, Craig Proper, Brent Kremen, Mike Rodgers, Tadashi Tanaka, Natina Schulz, Koji Yamamoto, Peter Stein, Mike Lorefice, Carlos Loera, John Courville, Brian Schenk, Bruce Mitchell, Mike Mooneyham, Bob Barnett, Georgiann Makropolous, Arty Fornicola, Christine Squires, Jason Squires, Chris Squires.
  167.  
  168. WWF News and Notes
  169.  
  170. • Nothing new in the ratings, which shouldn’t come as much of a shock. Raw did a 6.02 rating off hourly numbers of 5.63 and 6.34. Nitro did a 3.00 off hourly numbers of 3.81 and 2.82 and 2.54. I didn’t check this for sure, but I believe if you average everything together, the Nitro ratings right now are lower than they were before Russo and Ferrara took over. Russo, who appeared on Wrestling Observer Live last week, seemed frustrated with his inability to really turn things around. We’ll talk more about that interview in next week’s issue. Heat drew a strong 4.12, probably due to interest in the wedding, clips of which were shown at two separate points during the one-hour broadcast. Smackdown drew a 4.63 (4.54 and 4.71) for the new, family-friendly version, which whupped Thunder’s 2.00 (2.10 and 1.92). ECW on TNN drew a 1.10, down 0.02 from last week.
  171.  
  172. • Ratings for last week, which were delayed due to Thanksgiving, saw Raw draw a 6.53 composite (6.32 and 6.74) to Nitro’s 3.12 (3.82 and 2.80 and 2.84). The wedding drew a strong 7.3, although it also went 12 minutes past the top of the hour and hooked many Nitro viewers after that show ended, so that number is a bit inflated. Ross lied about this being a record-setting Raw since it didn’t set any records whatsoever. Heat drew a 3.14, Smackdown drew a 4.42, and ECW drew a 1.12.
  173.  
  174. • Steve Austin’s spinal surgery will take place sometime in late January. The date was initially set for February 17th, but his doctor had an opening and Austin opted to take it. Austin, who is currently on another hunting trip, originally wanted the surgery done this month, but it couldn’t be fit into the schedule for a variety of reasons. He will be in a brace for eight weeks following the surgery, which means there is little chance he would be able to make it to WrestleMania 2000. It’s possible if everything goes perfectly, but even the WWF is working with the idea that Austin won’t be ready to wrestle for that show. Dr. Henry H. Bohlman of Cleveland, who will be performing the surgery, said that he saw no reason why Austin would not be able to live a normal life without pain afterwards. Unfortunately, he was misquoted in several newspapers as saying that he saw nothing that would prevent Austin from being able to return full-time to the ring afterwards. Some close to Austin are still saying that no matter what happens, he may have already made up his mind to hang it up. Of course, after being away from wrestling for six months, most people get "the bug". So it’s really impossible to speculate on his future right now. In a sidenote, all the articles about his surgery noted that Austin had been in the WWF "for ten years". There seems to be an independent editing board that goes through every mainstream pro-wrestling article and inserts at least one false or misleading statement.
  175.  
  176. • Speaking of false and misleading statements, Linda McMahon appeared on Fox News Channel Friday and babbled about the company. She said the PTC deal probably wouldn’t effect the stock long-term. She said this on the day that WWFE stock plummeted to 17 and 1/8, its lowest mark ever up to that point. She said advertisers had stopped pulling out. She tried to put over the wedding incident as a shoot, effectively killing off the credibility of every other thing she said during the interview. She said wrestling was real. "Real entertainment!" she added. The host was totally clueless, which didn’t help matters any.
  177.  
  178. • Speaking of misleading statements in pro-wrestling articles, the AP carried a story on the toning down of Smackdown. It said that even though the show was cleaned up, it was still rated TV-14. Too bad the show really was TV-PG this week.
  179.  
  180. • While I’m on the topic of misleading statements in pro-wrestling articles, San Jose’s SV Magazine had an article on Dave Meltzer that ran last Sunday. The article revealed the alarming fact that Dave spends as many as "24 hours a week" on the Observer. Man, what a wimp he turned out to be. Actually, Dave was misquoted as well and actually told the writer that he watched 24 hours of wrestling on TV every week. I think it’s safe to say he spends a good deal more than 24 hours a week writing the Observer.
  181.  
  182. • Tickets went on sale for the Royal Rumble at the Madison Square Garden house show this weekend and completely sold out within a matter of minutes. House show business is still phenomenal for the WWF.
  183.  
  184. • Jim Ross insisted in his online report that D-Lo Brown has another year and a half left on his contract. There were rumors going around for the last two weeks that D-Lo had an out-clause of some sort in January and could jump to WCW. As far as I know, he really does have a year and a half left. However, Ross made no mention of the out-clause rumors, which might mean that there is one. D-Lo has made no public comment whatsoever about these rumors. It may also be a case where there is an out-clause, but it’s the kind that the WWF could use to get rid of him, and not something that D-Lo could choose to execute himself. Something else to think about is that the WWF split $6 million in WWFE stock amongst the wrestlers (obviously some wrestlers got more than others), and the feeling is that most of the mid-carders got about $200,000 worth. However, nobody can cash in on that stock for three years, which means if D-Lo really did leave in January, he’d be throwing away $200,000, or roughly a year’s salary. So I really wouldn’t expect too many people from the WWF to be jumping ship anytime in the next few years.
  185.  
  186. • Why the hell would D-Lo want to leave anyway?
  187.  
  188. • The WWF announced on Saturday the signing of Jonathan Coachman, 26, as the newest member of the broadcast team. He will apparently be working alongside Michael Cole, probably on Jakked or Metal, and also do work for the International broadcasts as well. He’s a former sports reporter for KMBC-TV in Kansas City and played football at McPherson College. He’s 6’3" and 222 pounds, which means he’ll probably tower over at least a few of the guys during interviews. He will be appearing on TV over the next few weeks but doesn’t officially begin broadcasting until January 3rd. Coachman, in an interview on WWF.com, said he felt he’d probably end up doing a little bit of wrestling eventually because he’s such a big guy. His qualifications for a major announcing position in the WWF are that he’s been a fan since he was younger. Just what we need, more guys without a clue at the announce table.
  189.  
  190. • WWF.com offered a cryptic statement on their website about how Shawn Stasiak had been suspended indefinitely due to unprofessional conduct. Stasiak was basically fired right in front of everybody Monday night after it was discovered that he had been secretly recording the conversations of unnamed WWF performers for quite some time. Apparently, the WWF doesn’t take too kindly to people recording private conversations. Maybe he was going to write a tell-all book.
  191.  
  192. • The WWF CD is down to number 41 this week. So much for hitting number one.
  193.  
  194. • Al Snow replaced Miss Kitty on the UPN Best of WWF special because the network liked Snow and Mankind’s chemistry during the Smackdown Vegas skits.
  195.  
  196. WWF On Tour
  197.  
  198. New York, NY (December 4): Madison Square Garden results saw Kurt Angle d. Godfather, Bob Hollys won a Tag Team Battle Royal, Fatu d. Shawn Stasiak, British Bulldog d. Christian, Hardy Boyz & Chyna d. Chris Jericho & Too Cool in the same match they’ve been doing everywhere, Big Show d. HHH, Al Snow d. Val Venis, X-Pac d. Test, Kane d. Viscera, Rock & Mankind d. New Age Outlaws—DQ when Al Snow ran in with Head. This was the ninth straight sell-out for the WWF in MSG.
  199.  
  200. Albany, NY (December 5): Headbangers d. Taka Michinoku & Shoichi Funaki, Ivory d. Jackie to retain the Women’s Title, Prince Albert d. Papi Chulo, Al Snow d. Godfather, Big Show d. Big Bossman in a cage match, Kurt Angle d. Mark Henry, X-Pac d. Val Venis, Mankind d. Billy Gunn.
  201.  
  202. Hartford, CT (December 5): Bob Hollys d. Mean Street Posse, Fatu d. Shawn Stasiak, Chris Jericho NC Chyna, British Bulldog d. Christian to retain the UK Title, Rock d. Hunter Hearst Helmsely, D-Lo Brown d. Steve Blackman, Kane d. Viscera, Hardyz d. Too Cool & Dudleys.
  203.  
  204. WWF On Television
  205.  
  206. WWF Smackdown (December 2 — Taped November 30): This was the first TV-PG Smackdown, and boy was it ever tame... They showed wedding footage from Monday, and surprisingly did not edit out the part where Hunter asked Vince to guess how many times he consummated the marriage... Backstage, Shane tried to calm down the psychotic Vince, who was wielding a bat... Stephanie came down to the ring to a chorus of boos, which I can assure you the WWF did not expect. She called out Vince and Shane. She said a bunch of stuff including how she’d never forgive Hunter (which means she’ll fall in love with him for sure). Her acting was miserable and the fans booed louder. Vince and Shane finally came out. She asked them to promise that they’d let her handle the situation her way. Shane said OK. Vince begrudgingly agreed... Kane attacked Viscera backstage... A Coast Guard advertisement aired. What the hell?... Viscera d. Kane—COR. This match went over 10 minutes live, but luckily they edited it down to about two minutes for TV. It was said to be the worst 10 minutes of some people’s lives. X-Pac distracted Kane with a lame promo about how he meant to kick Tori on Raw. This was actually his second promo, as his first one hinted that he was going to get oral sex from Tori. They made him do it again without the naughty stuff. Anyway, Kane went back in the ring afterwards and hit Viscera with what was seriously the worst chokeslam I’ve ever seen in my whole life... Al watched footage backstage of Rock hitting him with the People’s Elbow on Raw. He told Foley that he was going to beat up Rock... A Friendly UPN Disclaimer aired... Dudleys d. Edge & Christian. Edge "blew his knee out" and got pinned. The Acolytes attacked the good guys afterwards until the Acolytes made the save... D-Lo came down and said he was the only guy who ever cared about the European Title. Boy, was he ever telling the truth there. D-Lo NC Bulldog when Val Venis ran in... Hunter arrived and offered to give Stephanie a hug, but she ran away... DX came down to the ring with shopping carts. They hyped up their PPV matches. Billy said "suck". Hunter came out to a decent pop until everyone decided to start chanting "Asshole!" That’s TV-14 for sure. They gave Hunter some gifts including a McMahon family portrait with Hunter’s head pasted in. Now that was funny. Also, some lingerie. Hunter said "warming up buns" and "crotchless panties", which must be TV-MA. They also said they bought Stephanie a front row ticket for Armageddon. Hunter revealed that his match with Vince was Falls Count Anywhere. By the way, why wasn’t Hunter fired for ruining the wedding?... Al attacked Rock backstage. Foley broke it up... Mankind came down to the ring and cut a promo about how fans should pick up the New York Times Sunday because he would be at the top of their Bestseller List. That got a big pop. Jericho interrupted the interview and said everyone hated Foley and the only reason they bought his book was because they hoped he died at the end. Jericho called him "Mike Foley". Now THAT was funny. Actually, it would have been twice as funny if he would have called him "Frank Foley". Jericho wanted a match immediately. Halfway through, Chyna and Kitty came out. Kitty hopped up on the apron and Mankind bumped into her. Jericho rolled up a concerned Foley for the pin... Cole informed us of Austin’s upcoming spinal surgery... Kurt Angle & Steve Blackman d. Headbangers. Not much to note except they’re starting the build for an epic Blackman vs. Angle feud... Test arrived. Stephanie tried to hug him but he didn’t hug her back. He said he didn’t know what to feel anymore. The audience actually cheered this a little bit. She ran off crying... Rakishi killed Crash Holly in seconds. Too Cool and Rakishi did their dance afterwards to a pretty damn big pop. They’re getting more over with each show... Rock beat Snow clean. Snow attacked Rock after the match but Road Dogg and Billy Gunn ran out and punked Al. Foley made the save with a chair. Foley and Snow argued afterwards... Hardyz & Pig Show d. DX when Matt pinned X-Pac. This was a pretty damn good match. Jeff did a dope senton bomb off Giant’s shoulders, to which Michael Cole screamed that he was jumping from over 12 feet in the air. That damn Giant gets bigger every day. Bossman and the bad guys attacked Show afterwards until Rock, Mankind and Kane made the save... At the live event, the show ended with Rock, Mankind and Kane all giving Road Dogg the People’s Elbow. Crowd went particularly hoss for the BIG RED PEOPLE’S ELBOW.Sunday Night Heat (December 5 — Taped November 30): The Acolytes were shown playing cards backstage. The Posse came in, challenged them to a fight, attacked them and then ran away for their lives. What in the hell is wrong with those guys?... As the camera swept over the crowd, they zoomed in to a "Parents Television Council sucks!" sign. Man, that Vince does have balls the size of grapefruits. Also, a brain the size of a walnut... Val came out and did his usual lewd catchphrases at approximately 7:05 PM PST. They’ll never learn. Val beat Albert clean in a decent match. At least there was a clean finish... Mark Henry came down to the ring and made fun of Taka Michinoku for being so small. Cole informed us that "Osaka" and "Japan" were actually the same place. During the match, Henry gave Taka the ABSOLUTE SCARIEST BACKDROP I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. Seriously. The only other backdrop that even came close to this on a scariness level was one that Warlord gave to Shawn Michaels at Survivor Series many years ago, in which Michaels flew so high that he actually went out of camera range. Taka flew a hundred feet in the air and was coming straight down towards his head like a meteor, and flipped over at the very last second to save his life. God, that was so damn scary. Finish saw Funaki hit Henry with a flag, allowing Taka, who somehow still had a pulse, to hit Henry with the lamest kick in the history of martial arts for the pin... Bossman d. Godfather. Bad... They aired wedding footage again. To be perfectly honest, Stephanie actually did a tremendous acting job during the ceremony. You will probably never see that again... Rodney cut a promo before the main event. Joey Abs had a nervous smile on his face, as if he knew of the carnage to come. Sho‘nuff, the Acolytes came out and kicked the living shizzitski out of the Posse. It was actually very sad to watch. Crowd went bucksnort for the stiff-ass beating. Decent show overall.
  207.  
  208. Raw is Still TV-14 (December 6 — Live): The Outlaws came out and did their usual catchphrase with some very minor changes. In fact, pretty much the only change was that they had the audience say the naughty stuff instead. It was almost like they were mocking their own decision to tone down. Too Cool and Rakishi came out and attacked the Outlaws. They are now spelling Rakishi’s last name "Phatu". I’m not making that up. Phatu gave Billy some crotch chops. Too Cool NC Outlaws when the Hollys ran in. This was a decent match and Too Cool rules... Stephanie arrived... Foley came out and thanked everyone for buying his book. Foley showed some footage of Al Snow being attacked by Rock on Smackdown. He called out Al. Snow came out looking surly. "Asshole!" the fans chanted. Snow said the only thing the fans will ever remember about Mankind is that he was thrown off a cage. He said the fans didn’t really care about Mick and the Rock didn’t either. Foley said Al was a great friend, but he liked being part of the Rock and Sock Connection. He said, as a team, he and Al sucked. Al went mad and said he’d get a partner to face Rock & Mankind later. Mankind said OK. Al then revealed that he was the guy who threw Mick’s book away a few months back. He jumped Mankind and they got into a brawl. This was a good segment. Finally, Al is doing something serious in wrestling... Kurt Angle & Steve Blackman d. Hardy Boyz. This was bad. Matt and Blackman looked absolutely horrible together... Backstage, Stephanie went into DX’s dressing room and asked HHH to sign some annulment papers. He refused to do it. She gave him the puppy dog eyes and he said he’d think about it... Val came down to the ring. He started doing his catchphrase but D-Lo just interrupted him. Val NC D-Lo in a number-one contender’s match when Bulldog and Posse ran in. No bell, no announcement... Godfather came down. His catchphrase was virtually identical to what it always is. Godfather d. Prince Albert with the Ho Train. Bad... Ross said the ratings for last week were record-setting. I don’t know what in the hell he was talking about because they weren’t... HHH came out with flowers and papers. He pointed out that the fans called Stephanie a "slut" and a "whore" on Smackdown. He said she was no slut. Whenever he said these naughty words, they would make it on the air and then a bleep would immediately follow. I think the censor successfully bleeped the word one time out of about fifty tries. That had to be on purpose. Nobody, especially someone who bleeps out words for a living, can be that stupid. Stephanie came out and tossed the flowers into the crowd. "Steph, you complete me!" Hunter said. He added that he couldn’t sign the papers. She called him an insincere son of a bitch. That’s not very nice to say seeing as to how Linda is now Hunter’s mom. The censor had just given up on trying to bleep things out at this point. Hunter said he’d sign the papers if Vince beat him at Armageddon. But, said HHH, if he beat Vince, he got a title shot at Rumble. Vince came out and said this was a done deal and that he’d have papers for HHH to sign at Smackdown. Hunter "sealed the deal" with a big kiss to Stephanie. It’s so nice to see two kids in love. Vince didn’t seem to think so and almost had a hematoma on the ramp... Phatu killed Bob Holly. Rakishi and Too Cool did their dance after. What if they could bring in Janet Jackson to dance with them at WrestleMania. That would be the BIZZOMB!... Cole interviewed Barbara Bush. Of course, Ivory interrupted. She made fun of BB’s boobs. Jackie came out and ran down Ivory. Ivory wanted to know who the fourth person in the four-way for the Women’s Title at the PPV was going to be. Chyna came out and revealed that it would be Kitty. Kitty said she couldn’t do it because she doesn’t wear underwear. Crowd popped big for that... Viscera put Show through a table backstage... Hunter & X-Pac d. Test & Kane. Hunter pinned Test for the finish. There was nowhere near the heat you’d expect for Test being in there with the guy who ruined the happiest day of his life... Show d. Viscera with the worst top rope dropkick this sport has ever seen. I’ll give them credit, they really tried damn hard to have a good match, but this was atrocious. Bossman then appeared on the big screen in Big Show’s house. He got Show’s mom to admit that Show was illegitimate. She wept profusely. So profusely that it appeared she was laughing at how ridiculous this skit was that she was performing in front of 5 million people. Bossman said this proved Show was a bastard. Stupid angle, horrific acting... Rock & Sock NC Snow & Jericho. Ross tried to put over that Rock was getting the biggest pop of all time ever. I know they need to put over Rock as the next huge superstar, but Ross loses credibility when he says things like that because anyone with half a brain (95% of wrestling fans) knows that Rock isn’t getting the biggest ovation ever. The Outlaws ran in for the finish and attacked everyone. Then, the show just ended. No bell, no decision. I hate this Sports Entertainment bullshit, but I will admit that Nitro took the concept to an even more unbelievable level.
  209.  
  210.  
  211. WCW News and Notes
  212.  
  213. • Torrie may not be gone for good. She allegedly met with the WWF during their California tour last week, and when WCW heard about this they freaked out and upped her offer considerably. Thank God someone has a brain in that company.
  214.  
  215. • Goldberg suffered only the third loss of his career at the Chicago, IL house show in a match with Bret Hart. The match initially went to a no-contest after Kevin Nash and Scott Hall, who didn’t wrestle on the show, ran in. The match was restarted and Jeff Jarrett, behind the referee’s back, knocked out Goldberg with a chair. Bret then applied the Sharpshooter and the referee stopped the match.
  216.  
  217. • Speaking of Goldberg, Variety is reporting that he signed a six-figure deal with Crown Books to co-author "Goldberg on Goldberg" with his brother Steve. The book is scheduled for release in December of 2000. Personally, I don’t understand this rash of autobiographies from guys who basically have just begun their wrestling careers. What is the point of a book about Rock’s career since he’s probably only about a quarter of the way into it? A Mankind bio is good because retirement seems imminent. A Dynamite Kid bio is good because his career is over. An Austin bio is good unless he makes a triumphant return and wrestles for ten more years. But a bio of Rock and Goldberg just seems so pointless to me. They’ll just be writing another damn book five years from now. Well, maybe that’s the point.
  218.  
  219. • Charles Robinson is OK after being dropped right on his head by that clumsy lummox Sid during the main event of Thunder. Anyone who saw the bump knows that it really looked like Charles was done for good. As it turns out, his back is a little bit sore, but other than that he’s just fine. What a tough little bastard.
  220.  
  221. • Juvie missed Nitro Monday since he was in court for his DUI with Jerry Flynn a couple of months ago. You know, the one that resulted in the Humvee smashing into Kevin Nash’s limo? I’m not quite sure why Flynn was goofing around at Nitro instead of answering to the law in the courtroom.
  222.  
  223. • Ric Flair continues to work house show matches as a heel against Chris Benoit. The matches are said to be good with Benoit going over with the diving headbutt. Many wrestlers are still concerned as to why WCW continues to book house show matches with guys who are not being programmed together on TV.
  224.  
  225. • Add High Voltage to the list of those canned.
  226.  
  227. • The WCW Mayhem CD dropped from number 41 last week to number 95 this week.
  228.  
  229. • Bret’s Calgary Sun column was kind of sad this week. He praised Austin and talked about how his wrestling career might be over due to his spinal injury. Bret said the sun was setting on the careers of Austin, Undertaker, Savage, Hennig, Foley and himself. He wondered who, besides Chris Benoit, was going to be able to carry the torch into the future. That’s a damn good question, actually. Bret seemed depressed and said he feels that long, great well-worked matches might die forever soon. I don’t personally think they’ll die forever, but I think there’s going to be less and less of them over the next several years.
  230.  
  231. • ICP say they will be back on the December 14th Nitro. At this point, nothing would surprise me.
  232.  
  233. • Jimmy Hart said on WCW Live that he was in the Gentrys rock band during high school, which means, if he’s not lying, that he may only be around 54 years old or so. He did mention he was a lot like Dick Clark, which may be a giveaway that he’s actually around 160 years old.
  234.  
  235. • Tony Schiavone received some death threats last week. No, it wasn’t me. Actually, all joking aside, that’s not cool.
  236.  
  237.  
  238. WCW On Tour
  239.  
  240. Lincoln, NE (December 1): Evan Karagias d. Maestro, Barbarian d. Prince Iaukea, Buff Bagwell d. Wall, Jeff Jarrett d. Dustin Runnells, Harlem Heat d. Dean Malenko & Saturn, Sid d. Rick Steiner, Bret Hart d. Ric Flair.
  241.  
  242. Salina, KS (December 3): Curt Hennig d. Disco Inferno, Evan Karagias d. Maestro, Barbarian d. Prince Iaukea, Jushin Liger d. Psicosis, Jeff Jarrett d. Dustin Runnells, Creative Control d. Jim Duggan & Chavo Guerrero Jr., Chris Benoit d. Ric Flair, Bret Hart d. Sting. This was said to be a good house show.
  243.  
  244. Cedar Rapids, IA (December 4): Curt Hennig d. Disco Inferno, Evan Karagias d. Maestro, Barbarian d. Prince Iaukea, Jushin Liger d. Psicosis, Jeff Jarrett d. Dustin Runnells, Creative Control d. Hacksaw Duggan & Chavo Guerrero Jr. to retain the Tag Titles, Chris Benoit d. Ric Flair, Bret Hart d. Sting.
  245.  
  246. Chicago, IL (December 5): Jushin Liger d. Psicosis, Evan Karagias d. Maestro, Barbarian d. Prince Iaukea, Curt Hennig d. Disco Inferno, Jeff Jarrett d. Dustin Runnells, Creative Control d. Jim Duggan & Chavo Guerrero Jr., Chris Benoit d. Ric Flair, Sid d. Rick Steiner in a terrible match, Sting d. Lex Luger, Bret Hart d. Goldberg.
  247.  
  248.  
  249. WCW On Television
  250.  
  251. Thursday Thunder (December 2): Berlyn came down to help do commentary for Wall vs. Norman Smiley. Smiley got the win when Alex accidentally hit Wall with the Hardcore belt. This was absolutely horrible. Wall fell down literally like the Berlyn wall, all stiff as a board. They’ve killed him off already... Luger went crazy backstage about being booked against Sid, and looked for ways to get out of the match... Silver King and Villano V challenged Steve Williams to a handicap match for the $10,000 pinata match check. Oklahoma lives... Tenay said he was going to have a meeting with Russo and Ferrara about Jarrett’s guitar shot that put him in the hospital on Nitro... Kaz Hayashi d. Maestro—COR. The referee took a bump and then Crazy David ran in and attacked both guys. Maestro ran away and got counted out. Absolutely lame. Why does every single match have to have a lame screw-job finish? And why is David mad at Maestro all of a sudden?... Disco and Lash Laroux arrived, pursued by Vito and Johnny the Bull... Luger tried to skip town, but his tires were flat... Chavo came down to the ring for his match with Buzzkill. He tried to sell him some stuff. One of the things he tried to sell was one of those novelty lightening balls. Chavo PLUGGED IT INTO THE RINGPOST. I’m not making this up. Apparently, there is an electrical outlet in the WCW ringposts now. Crowd began booing. Buzzkill looked at the ball in a stoned fashion. Chavo tried to attack him, but Buzzkill confiscated a briefcase and nailed Chavo with it for the pin. This was almost impossibly horrible and was one of the worst segments I’ve ever seen on TV. Crowd was booing like crazy at this point... Benoit cut a promo and put over Liger... THE MONSTER MENG walked into his dressing room. He apparently growls and snorts even while walking down the hall. Disco replaced the sign on his dressing room door with a sign suggesting it was Disco’s locker room... Sid cut a promo wearing what appeared to be a child’s baseball cap. He destroyed a Lex Luger action figure. Luger, watching on another monitor, became unusually frightened by this scene and hailed a taxi... Oklahoma came out to do commentary for Williams’ match. Larry got pissed and walked off. Williams pinned Villano to win the match, but Silver King stole the check, ran backstage, jumped into Luger’s taxi and sped off. Poor Lex was stuck again... Liger came out for his match with Benoit. At least he got ring music this time. Tenay said the IWGP Title change was "just another slap in the face of tradition by the powers that be!" That was a shoot, brother. Juvie, La Parka and Psicosis came out midway through. Juvie was in a sling and did commentary in his broken English (see main story). This was a great match until La Parka and Psicosis ran in for the lame finish. It was pathetic, because the crowd was into this wrestling match more than they were into any of the other stupid bullshit on this show. Fuck this company... Vito and Johnny busted into Meng’s locker room and got beaten up. What great Sports Entertainment... Meng beat Bagwell after Vito and Johnny interfered. Don’t ask... Evan Karagias & Madusa d. Mona & Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett didn’t want to team with Mona, so he sat on the ring steps and pouted. This was actually an OK match and was the only bout on the entire show with a clean finish. Mona dropkicked Jarrett after the match and he responded by KILLING HER DEAD with a guitar shot... They showed a Bret Hart history package which, in typical WCW fashion, had the timeline totally screwed up... Get ready to read this next part a few times to get it straight. Revolution came out and made fun of Lash and Disco, who they were supposed to be wrestling. Vito and Johnny then came out and attacked Saturn and Malenko. So the referee rang the bell, even though Vito and Johnny weren’t the right opponents. I think Paul Heyman booked this. Disco and Lash finally ran out along with some cops. The cops arrested Vito and Johnny for no reason, except maybe that they are mob members trying to kill Disco Inferno. Disco and Lash then entered the match, but lost when Malenko made Lash submit to the Cloverleaf... Luger beat Sid. Sid has literally the worst punched I’ve ever seen in wrestling. Liz tried to spray Luger with mace but Luger closed his eyes. You see, if you close your eyes, mace doesn’t work. Luger then grabbed the mace and sprayed Sid, who forgot to close his eyes. Sid grabbed Charles Robinson and gave him one of the absolute nastiest powerbombs you will ever see. I seriously thought Charles was dead. Luger then rolled up the blinded Sid and a second referee counted the pin. So here’s my question. What in God’s name was the point of the ref bump except to have another useless ref bump in the main event? Had it not been for the five good minutes that Benoit wrestled Liger, this would have been far and away the worst Thunder ever, which is a hell of an accomplishment for the POWERS THAT BE.
  252.  
  253. WCW Saturday Night (December 4 — Taped): This was an exciting show as usual. Chuck Palumbo d. Devon Storm with the Jungle Kick. Apparently, there is a different technique when it comes to kicking things in the jungle... Mike Tenay brought us up to date on his meeting with the POWERS THAT BE in regards to Jarrett hitting him with a guitar on Nitro. Tenay said they no-showed the meeting and that he would now take matters into his own hands... Wall beat Dave Burkhead... Disorderly Conduct d. Armstrongs... Evan Karagias d. La Parka when Madusa kicked La Parka in the back of his mask... Silver King d. Villano V... Alan Funk d. Elix Skipper in the Feud of the Year... Creative Control d. Steve Regal & Dave Taylor to retain the Tag Titles... Chris Benoit d. Scott Riggs... Norman Smiley d. Fidel Sierra.
  254.  
  255. WCW Monday Nitro (December 6 — Live): The show opened with Gene Okerlund interviewing Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett said "Slapnuts", which for some reason is really over on the Internet. The crowd chanted "Asshole" at Jarrett and TNT actually tried to edit out the chant. Really. So basically, my TV screen was silent for a few moments as Jarrett babbled on. Jarrett challenged Dustin to a Bunkhouse Brawl at Starrcade. He ran down Mike Tenay and threatened to KO Gene with his guitar. Tenay came out trying to look tough. He said he was going to take matters into his own hands, and the crowd popped. Jarrett attacked him and put him in the Figure Four. So much for taking matters into his own hands. Tenay, being a student of this sport, sold it like a king. Goldberg ran out to make the save. In other words, they booked an interview segment to go to a no-contest. That was a sign of things to come... They announced Roddy Piper vs. Creative Control in an "I Quit" match with Piper as the referee. If you think that makes no sense, you are right... They aired footage of Fit Finley training Knobs out in the woods. The angle is that Knobs is scared to death of Finley. Finally, Finley is getting some respect in this sport... I am scared to death of Fit Finley too... Smiley came down and said since Knobs wasn’t there, he was issuing an open challenge to anyone in the back for a Hardcore Title match. Fat Rhonda Singh accepted. Smiley won after she bumped herself though a table. This was bad, but not horrible, which is a miracle... David Flair kidnapped Symphony backstage... Luger was shown talking his way into Liz’s dressing room in order to make up with her... Or get a hummer... Disco and Lash Laroux headed into Tony Maranera’s dressing room... Jushin Liger beat Psicosis to win back the IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Title. La Parka attacked Psicosis after the match... Vito and Johnny, who were searching for Disco and Lash, ran into the Nitro Girls playing poker backstage. If the Nitro Girls don’t dance anymore, what in the hell are they doing at Nitro? Why are they flown in just to sit around and play poker? Vito decided to play some strip poker with them. Johnny wasn’t so sure... Luger tried to talk Liz into helping him out in his match with Bret later... Maestro looked for the missing Symphony backstage... They aired a skit in Russo’s office where Curly Bill, formerly Vincent, changed his name to "Shane". How creative... Madusa d. Mona & Evan Karagias in a three-way. If either of the women got the pin, they got a Cruiserweight Title shot at Starrcade. Mona was getting the better of Madusa when Evan, who did bad commentary for awhile, ran in to make the save. Of course, Madusa turned on him and pinned him. This would have made good sense had they not already announced last week that Madusa was getting the shot. Jarrett ran in after the match and KILLED Madusa with a guitar shot. Jarrett then challenged Goldberg to a match in the main event... Disco and Lash tied up Tony Maranera backstage... Liz agreed to help Luger out. Then she poured champagne on his head and walked out. So I guess she lied... Oklahoma & Steve Williams beat Vampiro & Jerry Only. Oklahoma wore a headset so he could do commentary while wrestling. This was perversely entertaining and actually not a bad match. Until the finish. Remember how Russo once said he’d never put the bookers over the talent? Well, Oklahoma, real name Ed Ferrara of POWERS THAT BE fame, pinned Vampiro right smack dab in the middle of the ring. Kiss my ass, Russo... Vito and Johnny were shown losing at strip poker... Bret Hart beat Lex Luger to retain the WCW Title. A group of about twenty fans started a "Schiavone sucks!" chant during this match and it really threw Tony off. Liz came out and distracted Luger allowing Bret to hit him with the Russian Legsweep and apply the Sharpshooter for the submission. Add Bret to this week’s list of Miracle Workers... They aired a skit in Russo’s office where Curly Bill, formerly Vincent, changed his name to "Shane". How creative... If you’re wondering why that last line sounded identical to one earlier in this report, it’s because that same exact skit aired twice on this show at two different times. What a rinky-dink promotion... Russo hired La Parka to be his bodyguard. Harlem Heat came into the office. Russo signed them to a Tag Title match with Creative Control at Starrcade. Then Parka beat them up with a chair. If Russo doesn’t like Harlem Heat, why did he give them a title shot?... Piper arrived... David was shown cuddling with Symphony in the Boiler Room... Flynn challenged anyone to a "Block Match" which is carny for "Boiler Room Brawl"... Revolution came down and cut a promo. Douglas has been great on the mic lately. They rolled up the US Flag and debuted the Revolution flag. Good heat for that. Asya NC Midnight when the Revolution ran in. No bell, no announcement. This was actually OK in terms of wrestling, especially in light of some of the horrendous women’s matches we’ve seen so far this year. Duggan tried to make the save but got punked and buried underneath the Revolution flag... A home video aired of a crazed fan who thought David Flair was cool... Piper beat Creative Control in an "I Quit Match". Since Piper was also the referee, he patted both guys down beforehand, including a quick genital squeeze. What a weirdo. Control ended up punking him out until Goldberg ran down to make the save. He almost killed one of Control with the worst Jackhammer of his career. Piper then grabbed a belt from ringside and choked Gerald (I know it was Gerald and not Patrick because neither guy admits to actually being Patrick) until he said he quit. Piper was funny before the match started, but when he started wrestling it went downhill really fast... Disco and Lash tar-and-feathered Tony Maranera backstage... Meng NC Dustin Runnells when Jeff Jarrett ran in. Dumb. The Outsiders ran out and punked Dustin afterwards. Nash gave him a big arse powerbomb... Russo called Larry Zbyzsko into his office. This was an intriguing segment for a wrestling show. Russo asked Larry why Thunder sucked so much. Larry said there were no stars on the show, just Mickey Mouse "B" players. Russo said all the "A" players were going to be on Thunder starting Thursday. He said the announcers would probably be changed to. Larry went crazy and started yelling at everyone, including Curt Hennig. So Russo signed Larry vs. Hennig with the stipulation being that if Larry won, Russo had to leave WCW, but if Hennig won Larry had to leave. They went right to the match after commercial. The referee took a bump, as if that’s a surprise. Shane tried to interfere but Arn Anderson ran down with a bat and KO’d Hennig. Larry made the cover and got the pinfall. Everybody was happy until Creative Control showed the referee a replay of Arn’s interference on the TitanTron. The referee reversed the decision, so Larry is gone. This was a good swerve and Larry had to work for once in his life. Too bad that nearly every other match on the show had a run-in or ref bump and they didn’t use instant replay for any of those... Benoit NC Kevin Nash when Scott Hall ran in. What a surprise. Sid made the save. A ladder ended up in the ring and Benoit teased a headbutt off the top, so expect to see it delivered at Starrcade. Well, if this were any other wrestling company on the planet you could expect it, but since this is WCW I’m really not sure. No bell, no announcement... Add Benoit to the Miracle Worker List... Vito and Johnny challenged Disco and Lash to a match. The two blonde twins from last week came out instead. For the record, and I swear I’m not making this up, their names will be "Lolly" and "Pop". I don’t give a shit if you believe me or not, it’s true for real. Disco and Lash attacked the distracted Vito and Johnny. During the brawl, Maranera, still covered in tar and feathers, came out and punked the good guys with a pipe. They threw Disco and Lash into the back of a car, but as they celebrated the car drove off without them. I would venture a guess that the real Mob is not this incompetent... Maestro looked for Symphony in the basement. He ran into Jerry Flynn, who beat him up. Yawn... Nick Patrick barred everyone from ringside for the Scott Hall vs. Sting match. So, in typical WCW fashion, Hall came out with Nash and Sting came out with Liz. Sting won after Liz sprayed mace in Hall’s eyes and Sting applied the Scorpion... David came down with Symphony and called out Maestro. DDP came out instead and KILLED David dead with a Diamond Cutter. Then he cut a really weird promo on the mic addressing some rumors. He said, in regards to going to the WWF, that he was loyal to the people who brought him to the dance. I guess that means he’s not going to the WWF, although he never really said that. Then Page said there were some people loyal to him that hadn’t been so loyal lately and that he was looking out for only himself from now on. Believe me, I had several people call me Tuesday asking what in the living hell he was talking about. Beats me. I’d assume this is the beginning of the Page vs. Bagwell feud. Page NC Sid when — you will never guess — the referee took a bump and the Outsiders ran in. Benoit tried to make the save but Jarrett came out and attacked him. Then Bret ran out. I don’t know where the hell DDP went, but he was nowhere to be seen at this point. I was so sick of this lame run-in formula by this point... Nick Patrick came out and said there had been no control all night. My God, they’re turning this shitty booking into an angle. He said all the referees were quitting and that the wrestlers could do whatever they wanted during the Goldberg vs. Jarrett main event. It turned into a lumberjack match with Piper as the referee. Jarrett tried to escape at one point. Even though this was a lumberjack match, the lumberjacks just sat around talking to ringside fans and nobody bothered to go get Jarrett. Finally, three Green Bay Packers came out from the back and scared Jeff back into the ring. Goldberg eventually won with the Jackhammer after Bret hit Jarrett with the WCW belt. This was actually a pretty good main event, but I had a bad taste in my mouth from most of the rest of the show.
  256.  
  257.  
  258. ECW News and Notes
  259.  
  260. • Too Cold Scorpio and Tracy Smothers returned to ECW on December 2 at the Atlanta show. The complete list of former WCW wrestlers also backstage at that show is as follows: Dusty Rhodes, Ray Lloyd (Glacier), Super Calo, Lodi, Ron Reis, AC Jazz and Luther Biggs. At the beginning of the show, Joey Styles announced that Dusty Rhodes was in the building, but couldn’t be shown on TV for legal purposes. You know what that means. Steve Corino came out midway through the show and began running down the fat man. Of course, Dusty ran out and gave him and Jack Victory a number of obese elbow smashes. The fickle crowd actually popped like muthas for the Amayakyan Dream. The plan for 54-year-old Dusty Rhodes is to build towards another epic feud with the 55-year-old Terry Funk. There is talk of having the 72-year-old Fabulous Moolah and the 76-year-old Mae Young get involved in a mixed tag with the 54-year-old Vince McMahon as the referee, so ECW could brag to having a match where the combined age of the participants was over 300 years old. Actually, I made that part up. But seriously, there is talk of having Magnum TA be brought in for an angle where he’d get beaten up, and Dusty would make the save. Things may never be the same in ECW.
  261.  
  262. • I am perversely interested in seeing Dusty Rhodes in Extreme Championship Wrestling.
  263.  
  264. • Tammy took a nap backstage at November to Remember.
  265.  
  266.  
  267. ECW On Tour
  268.  
  269. Atlanta, GA (December 2 — TNN Tapings): Danny Doring & Roadkill d. CW Anderson & Bill Wiles and Nova & Kid Cash in a three-way, Jerry Lynn d. Little Guido, Super Crazy d. Super Calo in a super match, Spike Dudley d. Uganda in 30 seconds, Tom Marquez NC Ikuto Hidaka when Raven ran in, Mike Awesome d. Too Cold Scorpio to retain the ECW Title, Rob Van Dam d. Tracy Smothers to retain the TV Title in what was said to be an absolutely horrible match, Justin Credible d. Sandman when Rhino and Storm ran in, Axl Rotten & Balls Mahoney & New Jack d. Baldies in a street fight.
  270.  
  271. Warner-Robbins, GA (December 3): Jerry Lynn d. Simon Diamond, Kid Cash & Nova & Jazz d. Dupp Brothers, Little Guido d. Super Calo, Danny Doring & Roadkill d. Bill Wiles & CW Anderson, Super Crazy d. Ikuto Hidaka, Tommy Dreamer d. Justin Credible, Mike Awesome d. Tracy Smothers, Baldies d. Balls Mahoney & Axl Rotten & Uganda, Rob Van Dam d. Spike Dudley to retain the TV Title, Rhino d. Sandman. Calo took a hard bump when Guido didn’t catch him on a dive and injured his tailbone. He was on crutches all weekend but is expected back by the time you read this.
  272.  
  273. Augusta, GA (December 4): Uganda d. Tom Marquez, Kid Cash & Nova d. Bill Wiles & CW Anderson, Jerry Lynn d. Simon Diamond, Raven & Tommy Dreamer d. Angel & Tony DeVito to retain the Tag Team Titles, Super Crazy d. Ikuto Hidaka, Balls Mahoney & Axl Rotten d. Dupp Brothers, Sandman d. Tracy Smothers, Impact Players d. Danny Doring & Roadkill, Mike Awesome d. Spike Dudley, Rob Van Dam d. Rhino to retain the TV Title.
  274.  
  275.  
  276. ECW On Television
  277.  
  278. ECW on TNN (December 3 — Taped): A history package for the Raven/Dreamer/Sandman feud played... The new, expanded opening montage aired. Paul Heyman must have finally figured out what a huge ratings draw that montage is, as he made it about 15 seconds longer... Joel Gertner and Joey Styles opened the show. The crowd was hoss as usual. I wonder if that guy in the Hawaiian T-shirt has ever been to Hawaii. I’d bet he hasn’t. Nobody in Hawaii really wears a Hawaiian T-shirt. When I was in twelfth grade I went on a school trip to Europe, and the first thing I did when I got to France was buy a beret. Of course, no French person in his or her right mind would ever wear a beret in public. If you’re going to wear a beret in France, you might as well wear a T-shirt that says STUPID TOURIST as well. Joel Gertner sure is over. They interviewed the Impact Players, who said nothing of substance. Candido, Rhino and Tammy came out for the sole purpose of providing a catfight between Dawn Marie and Tammy. Joey’s shrill cry of "CATFIGHT" broke glass around the nation... Corino went crazy backstage and said he was going to go crash the Limp Bizkit concert which was next door... Super Crazy d. Ikuto Hidaka in a really good match. After witnessing quite a beating, Joey said: "Remind me never to wrestle in Japan!" Before I could even write down a scathing remark on my pad, Joel Gertner beat me to it by saying he was going to remind Joey never to announce in America. God, that was great. This match re-instilled my faith in pro-wrestling, at least for a few minutes... Corino was shown in the audience at the concert. He was appalled... Raven cut a promo and ran down Sandman for being an abusive drunk, just like his father. Raven is the bomb and makes everyone else doing promos look like a goof... Especially those Baldies... Corino was shown at the concert running down the lead singer. The crowd totally ate this up even though probably none of them had a clue who this geek with bleached hair and a spandex bodysuit was... Sandman beat Raven. It took Sandman 4:37 just to get to the ring. Imagine how long it must take him to perform other simple tasks. Peaches ran in at one point but Francine attacked her and they had a jiggly catfight. Impact Players then ran in and attacked Dreamer. Raven made the save, but got caned by Credible for his troubles. Sandman made the cover and Tommy counted the pin. The angle is that Raven keeps doing the right thing but always gets screwed over as a result. That’s a good lesson to teach children... Back at the concert, Balls and Axl snuck up behind Corino and killed him with a chairshot. He gigged. Twice, actually. Corino did a fabulous job here and the only problem was the horrible audio. Also, the cheesiness of Paul Heyman to edit in "ECW!" chants. Like anybody with a brain is going to believe the crowd at the concert chanted "ECW!" This was pretty good show.
  279.  
  280. -----
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  299. [ Features ][ Archives ][ Search ]
  300.  
  301. ~~~
  302.  
  303. IWGP Jr. Title Disaster
  304.  
  305. When rumors began that Jushin Liger was going to come to America, everybody who followed wrestling knew it was probably going to be a disaster. However, Vince Russo displayed incredible destructive talent by turning it into an even bigger disaster than anyone could have possibly imagined.
  306.  
  307. First, Juvie beat Liger for the IWGP Jr. Title after hitting him with a Tequila bottle. During the match, Juvie did a crazy dive and splatted on the cement, breaking his arm. Juvie later claimed that Liger moved out of the way and refused to catch him. Careful viewing of the incident in slow motion reveals that Liger did not move out of the way, although it was clear that he didn’t move into a better position to catch Juvie and made no effort whatsoever to break his fall. On one hand, I can see Juvie’s point of view, but on the other hand the accident took place very quickly and Liger might not really have had time to move into a better catching position. Juvie did go awfully high on his dive.
  308.  
  309. On Thunder, Juvie addressed the incident during the Benoit vs. Liger match. His commentary was hilarious and basically a shoot. He called Liger "unprofessional" and a "con" for not "catching" him on the dive. Poor Mike Tenay was trying to save whatever kayfabe is left in this sport by asking how Liger could be unprofessional when all he did was get hit by a high-risk move. At one point, Liger went for a dive and Juvie screamed: "Move, Chris, move!", which was the funniest line of the week. Chris didn’t move, and Juvie began praising him for being "professional" enough to "catch" Liger. Man, that was weird.
  310.  
  311. • Ric Flair continues to work house show matches as a heel against Chris Benoit. The matches are said to be good with Benoit going over with the diving headbutt. Many wrestlers are still concerned as to why WCW continues to book house show matches with guys who are not being programmed together on TV.
  312.  
  313. • Add High Voltage to the list of those canned.
  314.  
  315. • The WCW Mayhem CD dropped from number 41 last week to number 95 this week.
  316.  
  317. • Bret’s Calgary Sun column was kind of sad this week. He praised Austin and talked about how his wrestling career might be over due to his spinal injury. Bret said the sun was setting on the careers of Austin, Undertaker, Savage, Hennig, Foley and himself. He wondered who, besides Chris Benoit, was going to be able to carry the torch into the future. That’s a damn good question, actually. Bret seemed depressed and said he feels that long, great well-worked matches might die forever soon. I don’t personally think they’ll die forever, but I think there’s going to be less and less of them over the next several years.
  318.  
  319.  
  320. ~~~
  321.  
  322. WWF On Television
  323.  
  324. WWF Smackdown (December 2 — Taped November 30): This was the first TV-PG Smackdown, and boy was it ever tame... They showed wedding footage from Monday, and surprisingly did not edit out the part where Hunter asked Vince to guess how many times he consummated the marriage... Backstage, Shane tried to calm down the psychotic Vince, who was wielding a bat... Stephanie came down to the ring to a chorus of boos, which I can assure you the WWF did not expect. She called out Vince and Shane. She said a bunch of stuff including how she’d never forgive Hunter (which means she’ll fall in love with him for sure). Her acting was miserable and the fans booed louder. Vince and Shane finally came out. She asked them to promise that they’d let her handle the situation her way. Shane said OK. Vince begrudgingly agreed... Kane attacked Viscera backstage... A Coast Guard advertisement aired. What the hell?... Viscera d. Kane—COR. This match went over 10 minutes live, but luckily they edited it down to about two minutes for TV. It was said to be the worst 10 minutes of some people’s lives. X-Pac distracted Kane with a lame promo about how he meant to kick Tori on Raw. This was actually his second promo, as his first one hinted that he was going to get oral sex from Tori. They made him do it again without the naughty stuff. Anyway, Kane went back in the ring afterwards and hit Viscera with what was seriously the worst chokeslam I’ve ever seen in my whole life... Al watched footage backstage of Rock hitting him with the People’s Elbow on Raw. He told Foley that he was going to beat up Rock... A Friendly UPN Disclaimer aired... Dudleys d. Edge & Christian. Edge "blew his knee out" and got pinned. The Acolytes attacked the good guys afterwards until the Acolytes made the save... D-Lo came down and said he was the only guy who ever cared about the European Title. Boy, was he ever telling the truth there. D-Lo NC Bulldog when Val Venis ran in... Hunter arrived and offered to give Stephanie a hug, but she ran away... DX came down to the ring with shopping carts. They hyped up their PPV matches. Billy said "suck". Hunter came out to a decent pop until everyone decided to start chanting "Asshole!" That’s TV-14 for sure. They gave Hunter some gifts including a McMahon family portrait with Hunter’s head pasted in. Now that was funny. Also, some lingerie. Hunter said "warming up buns" and "crotchless panties", which must be TV-MA. They also said they bought Stephanie a front row ticket for Armageddon. Hunter revealed that his match with Vince was Falls Count Anywhere. By the way, why wasn’t Hunter fired for ruining the wedding?... Al attacked Rock backstage. Foley broke it up... Mankind came down to the ring and cut a promo about how fans should pick up the New York Times Sunday because he would be at the top of their Bestseller List. That got a big pop. Jericho interrupted the interview and said everyone hated Foley and the only reason they bought his book was because they hoped he died at the end. Jericho called him "Mike Foley". Now THAT was funny. Actually, it would have been twice as funny if he would have called him "Frank Foley". Jericho wanted a match immediately. Halfway through, Chyna and Kitty came out. Kitty hopped up on the apron and Mankind bumped into her. Jericho rolled up a concerned Foley for the pin... Cole informed us of Austin’s upcoming spinal surgery... Kurt Angle & Steve Blackman d. Headbangers. Not much to note except they’re starting the build for an epic Blackman vs. Angle feud... Test arrived. Stephanie tried to hug him but he didn’t hug her back. He said he didn’t know what to feel anymore. The audience actually cheered this a little bit. She ran off crying... Rakishi killed Crash Holly in seconds. Too Cool and Rakishi did their dance afterwards to a pretty damn big pop. They’re getting more over with each show... Rock beat Snow clean. Snow attacked Rock after the match but Road Dogg and Billy Gunn ran out and punked Al. Foley made the save with a chair. Foley and Snow argued afterwards... Hardyz & Pig Show d. DX when Matt pinned X-Pac. This was a pretty damn good match. Jeff did a dope senton bomb off Giant’s shoulders, to which Michael Cole screamed that he was jumping from over 12 feet in the air. That damn Giant gets bigger every day. Bossman and the bad guys attacked Show afterwards until Rock, Mankind and Kane made the save... At the live event, the show ended with Rock, Mankind and Kane all giving Road Dogg the People’s Elbow. Crowd went particularly hoss for the BIG RED PEOPLE’S ELBOW.Sunday Night Heat (December 5 — Taped November 30): The Acolytes were shown playing cards backstage. The Posse came in, challenged them to a fight, attacked them and then ran away for their lives. What in the hell is wrong with those guys?... As the camera swept over the crowd, they zoomed in to a "Parents Television Council sucks!" sign. Man, that Vince does have balls the size of grapefruits. Also, a brain the size of a walnut... Val came out and did his usual lewd catchphrases at approximately 7:05 PM PST. They’ll never learn. Val beat Albert clean in a decent match. At least there was a clean finish... Mark Henry came down to the ring and made fun of Taka Michinoku for being so small. Cole informed us that "Osaka" and "Japan" were actually the same place. During the match, Henry gave Taka the ABSOLUTE SCARIEST BACKDROP I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. Seriously. The only other backdrop that even came close to this on a scariness level was one that Warlord gave to Shawn Michaels at Survivor Series many years ago, in which Michaels flew so high that he actually went out of camera range. Taka flew a hundred feet in the air and was coming straight down towards his head like a meteor, and flipped over at the very last second to save his life. God, that was so damn scary. Finish saw Funaki hit Henry with a flag, allowing Taka, who somehow still had a pulse, to hit Henry with the lamest kick in the history of martial arts for the pin... Bossman d. Godfather. Bad... They aired wedding footage again. To be perfectly honest, Stephanie actually did a tremendous acting job during the ceremony. You will probably never see that again... Rodney cut a promo before the main event. Joey Abs had a nervous smile on his face, as if he knew of the carnage to come. Sho‘nuff, the Acolytes came out and kicked the living shizzitski out of the Posse. It was actually very sad to watch. Crowd went bucksnort for the stiff-ass beating. Decent show overall.
  325.  
  326. Raw is Still TV-14 (December 6 — Live): The Outlaws came out and did their usual catchphrase with some very minor changes. In fact, pretty much the only change was that they had the audience say the naughty stuff instead. It was almost like they were mocking their own decision to tone down. Too Cool and Rakishi came out and attacked the Outlaws. They are now spelling Rakishi’s last name "Phatu". I’m not making that up. Phatu gave Billy some crotch chops. Too Cool NC Outlaws when the Hollys ran in. This was a decent match and Too Cool rules... Stephanie arrived... Foley came out and thanked everyone for buying his book. Foley showed some footage of Al Snow being attacked by Rock on Smackdown. He called out Al. Snow came out looking surly. "Asshole!" the fans chanted. Snow said the only thing the fans will ever remember about Mankind is that he was thrown off a cage. He said the fans didn’t really care about Mick and the Rock didn’t either. Foley said Al was a great friend, but he liked being part of the Rock and Sock Connection. He
  327.  
  328.  
  329. ~~~
  330.  
  331. Raw is Weird (December 13 — Live): Hunter and Stephanie arrived holding hands and — get ready — skipping. This was so cute... Jericho came down and cut a promo. X-Pac interrupted him and challenged Jericho to a match. Chyna and Kitty came out, presumably to watch. Jericho was way over as a face. Jericho won via DQ when Chyna attacked the referee. This was OK... Hunter and Stephanie confronted Shane backstage. Shane chewed them out. What a dick. Shane was waiting for Vince to arrive. Ross said Vince is rarely late for TV. What in the hell is Ross talking about? Vince has arrived late for almost every single show they’ve ever done... Godfather and the ho’s came down at 9:16 PM. I guess the Godfather and his nappy ho’s aren’t considered naughty, because the WWF has emphatically stated that the naughty stuff only comes on after 10:00. GTV appeared on the big screen showing Mark Henry in bed with Mae Young. There was a HUGE pop for that. Even Lillian lost it. I guess that’s not considered naughty either. What is naughty then? Henry d. Godfather in a horrible match when Mae distracted Godfather. No explanation for why Henry and Godfather hated each other again after being pals the night before... Vince arrived, at last. He had a sledgehammer. Shane, who is miraculously healed from his neck and back trauma
  332.  
  333.  
  334. ~~
  335.  
  336. Raw is War (February 21 — Live): This show took place at the Georgia Dome before a legit 27,464 fans. The heat was supposed to be really good live, but didn’t come across quite as good on TV due to the size of the building and the acoustics. The size of the crowd still made for awesome TV, however... DX came down to the ring to new entrance music. Time for a new CD I guess. DX made fun of the People, which of course brought out the Rock. Rock was CRAZEE over. Rock uttered the funniest line of his career, saying that Hunter came out every week and talked and talked and talked, but never said anything. Hunter said tonight would be a DX night. Foley then came out and revealed that DX had just dumped him off on the side of the road Thursday night. That’s logical I guess. Kane and Paul Bearer then came out. Foley said they wanted a six-man tag, at which point everyone got into a huge brawl in the ring. Show lumbered down to the ring and beat up everyone with his Pieface of Doom. DX cleared the ring and celebrated... Jericho came out and heaped praise on Chyna. Kurt Angle & British Bulldog d. Chyna & Jericho when Angle hit Jericho with his UK Title behind the referees back. This was better than you’d think with Chyna and Smith in there... Al Snow played “Da Dip” on a small radio and tried to talk Steve Blackman into dancing to the ring. Blackman destroyed the radio with his kendo stick. This was pretty funny... Too Cool beat Head Cheese. Al finally convinced Blackman to do the moonwalk in the middle of the match. It was the worst moonwalk in the history of man, but at least Blackman showed some charisma for three or four seconds of the 946,080,000 he’s been alive. Scott took the opportunity to roll Blackman up for the pin... Saturn & Dean Malenko d. Godfather & D-Lo Brown. This was not bad. There’s something really weird about seeing Saturn and Malenko selling for Godfather’s cartoonish offense. Highlight was undoubtedly Saturn derailing the Ho Train... A WWF “Hey kids, don’t be stupid” promo aired... Hardyz & Edge & Christian d. Dudleys & Outlaws. Jeff took a hellish beating throughout. This match was the bizzombski until the finish, which was all screwed up. Everyone hit the ring and brawled, at which point Jeff hit Billy with a senton bomb. Hebner counted two, but Christian pulled Jeff out of the ring for some reason. Edge then covered Billy and Hebner counted one, then rang the bell. Two plus one equals three, you know. Really fucking weird and it killed the crowd... Acolytes & Mark Henry d. Viscera & Hollys. Crash took the hella beating in this match. Afterwards, Mae Young ran in and started kicking Crash. Bob clotheslined her and then Viscera gave her a fatass splash. The announcers were teasing that she might have lost the baby. Of course, it will turn out that there was no baby, because there is no murder in the WWF, right? EMT’s ran in and strapped Mae to a backboard... Chris Benoit beat Test with the diving headbutt. Eddy Guererro was supposed to interfere for the finish, but he was late getting to the ring (either that or Test was early going to the finish), so time stood still for a second. Eddy ended up hitting Test with a crowbar leading to the finish. Test seemed a bit too overanxious in this match and took a sound beating as a result. I swear I could watch Chris Benoit squash matches all day long... Rikishi beat Eddy in a no-DQ match. This was over in seconds. Rikishi hit Eddy with a crutch and then sat on him for the pin. Rikishi kept forgetting to sell his broken ankle. In fact, he forgot so many times that Ross and Lawler were arguing about whether or not his ankle was “really hurt” or not. Radicals ran in and attacked Rikishi but Too Cool made the save... Tazz had a match with Bossman although I don’t know what the finish was. Tazz applied the katahajime. Bossman took his nightstick and started hitting Tazz, but Tazz wouldn’t let go. The referee then rang the bell. Did the referee stop the match and award it to Tazz or DQ Bossman for using his nightstick? We never found out for sure. Albert beat up Tazz afterwards... HHH & X-Pac & Pig Show d. Foley & Rock & Kane in a good main event. I swear I saw a “Pig Show” sign in the crowd. HHH used a fire extinguisher to the head of Foley for the pin. Wild brawl after the match which ended with DX escaping to their bus. Pretty good show, although nothing too noteworthy.
  337.  
  338.  
  339. ~~~~
  340.  
  341. WCW On Tour
  342.  
  343. Lincoln, NE (December 1): Evan Karagias d. Maestro, Barbarian d. Prince Iaukea, Buff Bagwell d. Wall, Jeff Jarrett d. Dustin Runnells, Harlem Heat d. Dean Malenko & Saturn, Sid d. Rick Steiner, Bret Hart d. Ric Flair.
  344.  
  345. Salina, KS (December 3): Curt Hennig d. Disco Inferno, Evan Karagias d. Maestro, Barbarian d. Prince Iaukea, Jushin Liger d. Psicosis, Jeff Jarrett d. Dustin Runnells, Creative Control d. Jim Duggan & Chavo Guerrero Jr., Chris Benoit d. Ric Flair, Bret Hart d. Sting. This was said to be a good house show.
  346.  
  347. Cedar Rapids, IA (December 4): Curt Hennig d. Disco Inferno, Evan Karagias d. Maestro, Barbarian d. Prince Iaukea, Jushin Liger d. Psicosis, Jeff Jarrett d. Dustin Runnells, Creative Control d. Hacksaw Duggan & Chavo Guerrero Jr. to retain the Tag Titles, Chris Benoit d. Ric Flair, Bret Hart d. Sting.
  348.  
  349. Chicago, IL (December 5): Jushin Liger d. Psicosis, Evan Karagias d. Maestro, Barbarian d. Prince Iaukea, Curt Hennig d. Disco Inferno, Jeff Jarrett d. Dustin Runnells, Creative Control d. Jim Duggan & Chavo Guerrero Jr., Chris Benoit d. Ric Flair, Sid d. Rick Steiner in a terrible match, Sting d. Lex Luger, Bret Hart d. Goldberg.
  350.  
  351.  
  352. WCW On Television
  353.  
  354. Thursday Thunder (December 2): Berlyn came down to help do commentary for Wall vs. Norman Smiley. Smiley got the win when Alex accidentally hit Wall with the Hardcore belt. This was absolutely horrible. Wall fell down literally like the Berlyn wall, all stiff as a board. They’ve killed him off already... Luger went crazy backstage about being booked against Sid, and looked for ways to get out of the match... Silver King and Villano V challenged Steve Williams to a handicap match for the $10,000 pinata match check. Oklahoma lives... Tenay said he was going to have a meeting with Russo and Ferrara about Jarrett’s guitar shot that put him in the hospital on Nitro... Kaz Hayashi d. Maestro—COR. The referee took a bump and then Crazy David ran in and attacked both guys. Maestro ran away and got counted out. Absolutely lame. Why does every single match have to have a lame screw-job finish? And why is David mad at Maestro all of a sudden?... Disco and Lash Laroux arrived, pursued by Vito and Johnny the Bull... Luger tried to skip town, but his tires were flat... Chavo came down to the ring for his match with Buzzkill. He tried to sell him some stuff. One of the things he tried to sell was one of those novelty lightening balls. Chavo PLUGGED IT INTO THE RINGPOST. I’m not making this up. Apparently, there is an electrical outlet in the WCW ringposts now. Crowd began booing. Buzzkill looked at the ball in a stoned fashion. Chavo tried to attack him, but Buzzkill confiscated a briefcase and nailed Chavo with it for the pin. This was almost impossibly horrible and was one of the worst segments I’ve ever seen on TV. Crowd was booing like crazy at this point... Benoit cut a promo and put over Liger... THE MONSTER MENG walked into
  355.  
  356. ~~~~
  357.  
  358. the referee took a bump and the Outsiders ran in. Benoit tried to make the save but Jarrett came out and attacked him. Then Bret ran out. I don’t know where the hell DDP went, but he was nowhere to be seen at this point. I was so sick of this lame run-in formula by this point... Nick Patrick came out and said there had been no control all night. My God, they’re turning this shitty booking into an angle. He said all the referees were quitting and that the wrestlers could do whatever they wanted during the Goldberg vs. Jarrett main event. It turned into a lumberjack match with Piper as the referee. Jarrett tried to escape at one point. Even though this was a lumberjack match, the lumberjacks just sat around talking to ringside fans and nobody bothered to go get Jarrett. Finally, three Green Bay Packers came out from the back and scared Jeff back into the ring. Goldberg eventually won with the Jackhammer after Bret hit Jarrett with the WCW belt. This was actually a pretty good main event, but I had a bad taste in my mouth from most of the rest of the show.
  359.  
  360.  
  361. ECW News and Notes
  362.  
  363. ECW News and Notes
  364.  
  365. • Too Cold Scorpio and Tracy Smothers returned to ECW on December 2 at the Atlanta show. The complete list of former WCW wrestlers also backstage at that show is as follows: Dusty Rhodes, Ray Lloyd (Glacier), Super Calo, Lodi, Ron Reis, AC Jazz and Luther Biggs. At the beginning of the show, Joey Styles announced that Dusty Rhodes was in the building, but couldn’t be shown on TV for legal purposes. You know what that means. Steve Corino came out midway through the show and began running down the fat man. Of course, Dusty ran out and gave him and Jack Victory a number of obese elbow smashes. The fickle crowd actually popped like muthas for the Amayakyan Dream. The plan for 54-year-old Dusty Rhodes is to build towards another epic feud with the 55-year-old Terry Funk. There is talk of having the 72-year-old Fabulous Moolah and the 76-year-old Mae Young get involved in a mixed tag with the 54-year-old Vince McMahon as the referee, so ECW could brag to having a match where the combined age of the participants was over 300 years old. Actually, I made that part up. But seriously, there is talk of having Magnum TA be brought in for an angle where he’d get beaten up, and Dusty would make the save. Things may never be the same in ECW.
  366.  
  367. • I am perversely interested in seeing Dusty Rhodes in Extreme Championship Wrestling.
  368.  
  369. • Tammy took a nap backstage at November to Remember.
  370.  
  371.  
  372. ECW On Tour
  373.  
  374. Atlanta, GA (December 2 — TNN Tapings): Danny Doring & Roadkill d. CW Anderson & Bill Wiles and Nova & Kid Cash in a three-way, Jerry Lynn d. Little Guido, Super Crazy d. Super Calo in a super match, Spike Dudley d. Uganda in 30 seconds, Tom Marquez NC Ikuto Hidaka when Raven ran in, Mike Awesome d. Too Cold Scorpio to retain the ECW Title, Rob Van Dam d. Tracy Smothers to retain the TV Title in what was said to be an absolutely horrible match, Justin Credible d. Sandman when Rhino and Storm ran in, Axl Rotten & Balls Mahoney & New Jack d. Baldies in a street fight.
  375.  
  376. Warner-Robbins, GA (December 3): Jerry Lynn d. Simon Diamond, Kid Cash & Nova & Jazz d. Dupp Brothers, Little Guido d. Super Calo, Danny Doring & Roadkill d. Bill Wiles & CW Anderson, Super Crazy d. Ikuto Hidaka, Tommy Dreamer d. Justin Credible, Mike Awesome d. Tracy Smothers, Baldies d. Balls Mahoney & Axl Rotten & Uganda, Rob Van Dam d. Spike Dudley to retain the TV Title, Rhino d. Sandman. Calo took a hard bump when Guido didn’t catch him on a dive and injured his tailbone. He was on crutches all weekend but is expected back by the time you read this.
  377.  
  378. Augusta, GA (December 4): Uganda d. Tom Marquez, Kid Cash & Nova d. Bill Wiles & CW Anderson, Jerry Lynn d. Simon Diamond, Raven & Tommy Dreamer d. Angel & Tony DeVito to retain the Tag Team Titles, Super Crazy d. Ikuto Hidaka, Balls Mahoney & Axl Rotten d. Dupp Brothers, Sandman d. Tracy Smothers, Impact Players d. Danny Doring & Roadkill, Mike Awesome d. Spike Dudley, Rob Van Dam d. Rhino to retain the TV Title.
  379.  
  380.  
  381. ECW On Television
  382.  
  383. ECW on TNN (December 3 — Taped): A history package for the Raven/Dreamer/Sandman feud played... The new, expanded opening montage aired. Paul Heyman must have finally figured out what a huge ratings draw that montage is, as he made it about 15 seconds longer... Joel Gertner and Joey Styles opened the show. The crowd was hoss as usual. I wonder if that guy in the Hawaiian T-shirt has ever been to Hawaii. I’d bet he hasn’t. Nobody in Hawaii really wears a Hawaiian T-shirt. When I was in twelfth grade I went on a school trip to Europe, and the first thing I did when I got to France was buy a beret. Of course, no French person in his or her right mind would ever wear a beret in public. If you’re going to wear a beret in France, you might as well wear a T-shirt that says STUPID TOURIST as well. Joel Gertner sure is over. They interviewed the Impact Players, who said nothing of substance. Candido, Rhino and Tammy came out for the sole purpose of providing a catfight between Dawn Marie and Tammy. Joey’s shrill cry of "CATFIGHT" broke glass around the nation... Corino went crazy backstage and said he was going to go crash the Limp Bizkit concert which was next door... Super Crazy d. Ikuto Hidaka in a really good match. After witnessing quite a beating, Joey said: "Remind me never to wrestle in Japan!" Before I could even write down a scathing remark on my pad, Joel Gertner beat me to it by saying he was going to remind Joey never to announce in America. God, that was great. This match re-instilled my faith in pro-wrestling, at least for a few minutes... Corino was shown in the audience at the concert. He was appalled... Raven cut a promo and ran down Sandman for being an abusive drunk, just like his father. Raven is the bomb and makes everyone else doing promos look like a goof... Especially those Baldies... Corino was shown at the concert running down the lead singer. The crowd totally ate this up even though probably none of them had a clue who this geek with bleached hair and a spandex bodysuit was... Sandman beat Raven. It took Sandman 4:37 just to get to the ring. Imagine how long it must take him to perform other simple tasks. Peaches ran in at one point but Francine attacked her and they had a jiggly catfight. Impact Players then ran in and attacked Dreamer. Raven made the save, but got caned by Credible for his troubles. Sandman made the cover and Tommy counted the pin. The angle is that Raven keeps doing the right thing but always gets screwed over as a result. That’s a good lesson to teach children... Back at the concert, Balls and Axl snuck up behind Corino and killed him with a chairshot. He gigged. Twice, actually. Corino did a fabulous job here and the only problem was the horrible audio. Also, the cheesiness of Paul Heyman to edit in "ECW!" chants. Like anybody with a brain is going to believe the crowd at the concert chanted "ECW!" This was pretty good show.
  384.  
  385. -----
  386.  
  387. I hope you enjoyed this special Figure Four Weekly archive issue. If you’ve decided to try a subscription, thank you. We have several easy ways to order. If you'd like to subscribe through the mail, you can send a check or money order payable to “Figure Four Weekly” to:
  388.  
  389. Figure Four Weekly
  390. PO Box 426
  391. Woodinville, WA 98072
  392.  
  393. If you'd like to order with your VISA or Mastercard, you can call toll-free 1-800-960-3366.
  394.  
  395. For fastest service, you can send your name, address, number of issues desired, credit card number and card expiration date to me via e-mail (bryan@wrestlingobserver.com) and I will send out your first issue that afternoon.
  396.  
  397. Our rates are:
  398. 12 issues for $30
  399. 24 issues for $48
  400. 52 issues for $90
  401. 104 issues for $150
  402.  
  403. If you have any further questions, you can contact me anytime at: bryan@wrestlingobserver.com
  404. [ Features ][ Archives ][ Search ]
  405.  
  406.  
  407.  
  408. ~~~
  409.  
  410. F4W/WO Back Issues (94,97, 99-00, 02-03) SHAPIRO SNH archive
  411. 01-26-2011, 10:11 AM
  412. WON
  413.  
  414. 8/01/94
  415. Coverage of the WWF steroid trial
  416. http://replay.waybackmachine.org/200008 ... z001.shtml
  417.  
  418.  
  419. 9/1/97 HOF issue
  420. http://replay.waybackmachine.org/200008 ... z001.shtml
  421.  
  422.  
  423.  
  424. F4W
  425.  
  426. 8/15/99
  427. WWF to go public October 19th
  428. http://replay.waybackmachine.org/200008 ... re01.shtml
  429.  
  430. 8/23/99
  431. Foley wins title at Summerslam
  432. http://replay.waybackmachine.org/200008 ... re01.shtml
  433.  
  434. 10/18/99
  435. Heroes of Wrestling Review
  436. http://replay.waybackmachine.org/200107 ... sp?aID=765
  437.  
  438.  
  439. 12/13/99
  440. Foley reaches number 1 on NY Times best seller list
  441. http://replay.waybackmachine.org/200104 ... sp?aID=140
  442.  
  443. 12/20/99
  444. Armageddon 99 PPV report
  445. http://replay.waybackmachine.org/200106 ... sp?aID=215
  446.  
  447. 12/28/99
  448. NWO reforms in Russo's big angle
  449. http://replay.waybackmachine.org/200106 ... sp?aID=289
  450.  
  451. 1/4/00
  452. Foley ''fired'', Cornette upset at Bryan
  453. http://replay.waybackmachine.org/200104 ... sp?aID=570
  454.  
  455. 1/11/00
  456. Gary Albright passes away
  457. http://replay.waybackmachine.org/200106 ... sp?aID=485
  458.  
  459.  
  460.  
  461.  
  462.  
  463. 1/25/00
  464. Russo demoted, WCW in Turmoil
  465. http://replay.waybackmachine.org/200106 ... sp?aID=582
  466.  
  467. 2/7/00
  468. Radicals jump to WWF
  469. http://replay.waybackmachine.org/200104 ... sp?aID=748
  470.  
  471.  
  472.  
  473. 2/21/00
  474. SuperBrawl 2000 review
  475. http://replay.waybackmachine.org/200107 ... sp?aID=911
  476.  
  477. SEATTLE EARTHQUAKE COVERAGE
  478. 2/28/01
  479. http://replay.waybackmachine.org/200107 ... sp?aID=994
  480.  
  481. 3/6/00
  482. No Way Out PPV report
  483. http://replay.waybackmachine.org/200106 ... p?aID=1021
  484.  
  485. 3/20/00
  486. WWF looks to renegotiate television deal
  487. http://replay.waybackmachine.org/200104 ... p?aID=1096
  488.  
  489. 3/27/00
  490. Uncensored 2000 Review/Coverage of Beyond the Mat
  491. http://replay.waybackmachine.org/200104 ... p?aID=2034
  492.  
  493. F4W INSIDER TERMS GLOSSARY
  494. http://replay.waybackmachine.org/200008 ... logy.shtml
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