Arranged Marriage (Humanized Derpy)

Nov 4th, 2013
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  1. When you were 5, your parents arranged a marriage to a 'very special girl'. You are now 21, and it is the day of your marriage. Derpy Hooves is your bride to be.
  3. What do you say to her and/or your parents?
  5. >You dreaded this day
  6. >You partied harder than anyone in college
  7. >Slept with anything that came your way, hot chicks, fat chicks, ugly ones, pussy was pussy
  8. >Because you knew that the day you turned 21 you'd have to marry someone you never met
  9. >And you wanted to be prepared for the worst
  10. >But here you were
  11. >In your tux, standing at an altar
  12. >Watching the blond walk down the aisle
  13. >Bouquet in hand, veil covering her face
  14. >Long flowing white dress
  15. >You wondered if she had the same philosophy you did, and if white was an appropriate color
  16. >No matter, she was normally shaped at least
  17. >Not fat, not physically unattractive
  18. >Might not be so bad
  19. >She reaches you and nearly trips on the stairs
  20. >"Sorry!" she says in a hurry, righting herself and scurrying to your side
  21. >The priest begins the ceremony
  22. >You can make out her face under the veil
  23. >Cute smile, round face
  24. >But one of her eyes
  25. >Just keep remind yourself it could be worse
  26. >She has all her teeth at least
  27. >Everything goes without a hitch
  28. >Actually, there was one hitch, you and this woman
  29. >Least she had a name now
  30. >Derpy Hooves
  31. >She looked ok without the veil
  32. >Nothing incredibly wrong minus the eye
  33. >You give her the proper kiss for a wedding
  34. >A wedding of tradition and necessity, not love
  35. >She still blushes
  36. >That may have been her first kiss
  37. >Hard to imagine waiting this long
  38. >Rest of the day is quite uneventful
  39. >This wasn't a normal wedding
  40. >No big party or crazy reception where you dance and get nuts on the euphoria of being with the girl of your dreams
  41. >Just a solemn sit down, meet and greet, with a little food and handshakes from the side of her family that was pleased you went through with the duty of marrying her
  42. >Whatever deal your father made,it better have been for something worth your freedom
  43. >Her Dad was the only one really happy
  44. >He shook your hand and said thank you, making you promise to take care of his only daughter
  45. >You nod and agree, not really grasping the gravity of all this yet
  46. >Even now, as you walk with her to your hotel room in silence, you still haven't
  47. >She's on your arm, quiet and slightly afraid
  48. >You have no illusions as to why, she's your wife now and there's something she's expected to do
  49. "Don't worry." You say as you press the key into the door. "We don't have to do that right away"
  50. >"Th-thank you...I...don't know if I'm ready"
  51. >Of course you don't know
  52. >In all fairness, despite everything you did up till now, neither are you
  53. >Afterall, you have to talk to her in the morning
  54. >Can't be your usual self from college
  55. >Once you're inside, you immediately go to the bathroom
  56. >Undress down to your boxers and undershirt
  57. >Been waiting all day to get out of that tux
  58. >Splash some water on your face and take a breath
  59. >Time to talk to your wife
  60. >Wife
  61. >You reach into the tux jacket and pull out a flask, sucking down the amber liquid
  62. >Little better
  63. >Not enough
  64. >Maybe you have a minibar in here
  65. >Your parents are paying for the room, might as well stick it to them and drink some $50 bottles
  66. >You leave the bathroom
  67. >She's out of her wedding dress, under the covers of the large bed
  68. >Staring at you...and slightly to your left
  69. >The rest of her is fine, just keep telling yourself that
  70. "So...what do you do?"
  71. >"I'm a mailperson"
  72. >It takes some willpower to avoid asking how the fuck she drives or reads with her eyes
  73. >Don't be mean
  74. "That's neat"
  75. >She smiles, the deadpan of your reply lost on her
  76. >"What about you, Anon?"
  77. >You explain your job
  78. >As you expected she doesn't follow
  79. >And you're still feeling a little annoyed at the situation so you made sure to make it sound as complicated as possible
  80. >"Wow, you must be really smart!"
  81. >No, a smart person would have become a lawyer and found a way out of this
  82. >"Thanks"
  83. >You make your way to the bed, her eyes betraying how scared she is
  84. >But to her credit, she doesn't try to move when you get a little close
  85. >You lay on your back
  86. >She lays on hers
  87. >About a half a foot between the two of you
  88. >Today's episode of awkward brought to you by....
  89. >"Did you see the honeymoon your parents got us? Two weeks on a big boat!"
  90. "It's a ship. A cruise ship"
  91. >She quiets up when you're short
  92. >Come on, Anon, don't take it out on her
  93. "Sorry. I'm nervous"
  94. >"Me too"
  95. >Only one of you is telling the truth
  96. >You're just angry at the situation
  97. "You have any hobbies?"
  98. >"Oh yea!"
  99. >She starts babbling about baking and something else
  100. >She can cook, thats a plus
  101. >Job, can cook
  102. >Isn't horrible to look at
  103. >You inch a little closer
  104. >She does the same
  105. >She's still yammering on about how her friend Carrot Top is always angry about her fridge
  106. >She giggles at the end of the story you weren't paying attention to
  107. >You give a sympathy laugh she takes for real
  108. >Ya know, there's a certain charm to her being immune to your douchy side too
  109. >You move a little closer
  110. >So does she
  111. >Your shoulders are touching now
  112. >Still both staring at the ceiling
  113. >You feel her hand slip into yours
  114. >It's smaller by comparison
  115. >Cold and trembling
  116. >You open your fingers and let her hold your hand, giving it a squeeze
  117. >She squeezes back
  118. >You're both still fixated on something above you
  119. >"Anon...Are we going to be happy?"
  120. >You're silent
  121. >You don't know
  122. >Its a scary thought and you're surprised she said it after her long story about nothing
  123. >You were almost convinced she didn't have a brain in her head
  124. >"I'm going to be a good wife...I'm going to try. I think we can make it work if you want it to."
  125. >You actually do want it to
  126. >Not so much her being your wife
  127. >Just the idea of being happy
  128. >You've had a good time up till now you're not looking to be miserable
  129. "How would we do it?"
  130. >"I don't know. Does anyone?"
  131. >When did she start sounding smart?
  132. >Is it the shot of whiskey you took a few minutes ago?
  133. >"I know you're a good guy, a bad one woulda done...stuff even though I'm not ready."
  134. "What if I don't want to do 'stuff'' with you at all?"
  135. >"You wouldn't be holding my hand all tight then"
  136. >Fuck
  137. >Stop making sense
  138. >Stop making me not be 100% angry at this
  139. "How do you like to sleep?"
  140. >"On my side, facing this way"
  141. >She moves, letting your hand go, turning away from you
  142. >She shimmies back a little, her rear sticking out and brushing your hips
  143. >It's too awkward for you to really enjoy the unintentional butt-bump
  144. >"How about you?"
  145. >On my stomach, facing the other way
  146. >In the middle of the bed
  147. >By myself
  148. >That's what you would have said to anyone else
  149. >You might have even said that to her 10 minutes ago
  150. >But what she said about trying to be a good wife sticks with you
  151. >Something about the innocent hope of it, despite her nerves being frayed to bits
  152. >She doesn't want this anymore than you
  153. >She just wants to make good with what you have
  154. >So while you never answer her outright
  155. >You turn toward her, wrapping your arm between hers
  156. >Giving her a gently pull toward your body
  157. >Nervousness and alcohol keep you from making this anymore awkward when her plush tush presses into your hips
  158. >And some sense of duty you never felt before keeps your hand from grabbing her inappropriately
  159. >Leaving just you holding the quirky, cross eyed mailcarrier
  160. >The one who just happens to be your wife
  161. >Her breathing slows and she's asleep before you know it
  162. >You're left awake, a face full of long blond hair
  163. >With a million questions running through your head
  164. >But they all come back to the one she asked you
  165. >Are we going to be happy?
  166. >You don't know
  167. >That's the frightening thing
  168. >That's what makes you hold her hands in yours
  169. >That's why you squeeze them one last time before resting your head down
  170. >That's why you whisper "goodnight" before closing your eyes
  171. >And that's why you let her soft, gentle breathing lull you to sleep
  172. >Are you going to be happy?
  173. >Can you make it work with this girl?
  174. >There was no reason not to try
  175. >You take a small breath and relax
  176. >And right before you drift into a dreamless sleep
  177. >You find yourself thinking one last thought
  178. >She has really pretty eyes
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