Mr Swan

I agreed to buy the apartment. Before we left I went out on the balcony for one last look. The sun was setting behind the distant multi-storey car park. A fox walked along the opposite towpath with a Tesco's carrier bag in its mouth. A brown creature (a water vole, I think) slipped into the canal and swam out of sight. The swans floated majestically by. The biggest swan looked me straight in the eye, as if to say, 'Welcome to your new home, Adrian.'

…

I opened my sliding door and stood on the mesh balcony, gripping the steel rail which overlooks the canal. A gang of swans immediately swam up and began hissing aggressively. The biggest one, who for some reason reminded me of Sir John Gielgud, the great classical actor, was particularly vicious.

…

Helen told me that when they were taking the boxes out of the van in the car park, they had seen a 'stroppy flock of swans'. She warned me to take care, adding, 'A swan can break a man's arm, you know.'

…

Marigold rang to ask how I was enjoying my first afternoon in my new apartment. I told her about the swans and she said, 'Be careful, Adrian. A swan can break a man’s arm, you know.'

…

At 5.30 my telephone rang and an ntl person informed me that the field operative had attempted to call but had been beaten back by swans in the car park, then added, 'A swan can break a man's arm, you know.'

…

I am still without ntl. The engineer refused to get out of his van because Gielgud and the other swans were walking around the car park, looking as though they owned the place. Before he drove away he said, 'A swan can break a man's arm, y'know.'

I met the owner of Unit 2 on the stairs. He is a professor of golf course management at De Montfort University. His name is Frank Green. He said the swans were a bloody nuisance and that he was thinking of selling his apartment and moving to a land-locked location.

…

I was next woken by the sound of my father's voice shouting, 'Get back, you bastards, get back.'  And my mother screeching, 'George, George, don't antagonise them. They can break a man's arm, y'know.'

I put on my white bathrobe, went to the balcony and looked down. The swans had surrounded my parents on the towpath. My father held a copy of the News of the World in front of him as though it was a rapier and he was the Count of Monte Cristo. As I watched, the swans retreated and regrouped in the middle of the canal. Once again Gielgud stared at me. I swear to God that there was a sneer on his beak. What has he got against me?

The soles of my parents' shoes were covered in swan shit, so I made them take them off at the door.
…

Parvez paid me an unexpected visit tonight. When I opened the door he was panting and sweating, having been chased by 'a bloody great white thing' across the car park.

I told him that it was almost certainly Gielgud the swan.

…

Somebody moved into one of the apartments this morning. When I went to get the papers there was a removal van parked in the car park. The swans were on the opposite bank, menacing a fisherman.

…

The moon lit my way home along the towpath. The swans came to meet me halfway, but didn't get out of the water. Gielgud wasn't there. I hope he is dead.

…

Still raining. The swans are swimming in the car park.

…

The car park at Rat Wharf is like an ice rink. Gielgud and his wife looked like a bad-tempered Torvill and Dean this morning.

…

I got up to see Gielgud vandalising the basket of pansies. His beak was dripping with compost. I grabbed the nearest suitable object, an egg whisk, and threw it at the rampaging swan.

One of the serious girls said that she would report me to the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds. She wouldn't have been so protective of Gielgud if he had turned around and broken her arm.

…

I went out on to the balcony. Gielgud was there, asleep next to his wife, with his head tucked under his wing. I'm glad he was asleep. It would have been ridiculous to talk to a swan, and anyway he hates me.

…

I was harassed by Gielgud on the towpath this morning. He had murder in his eyes. I took my red scarf off and flapped it in front of him, but he stood his ground. A bloke on a bike came to my rescue. I cannot stand this constant intimidation. Something will have to be done.

…

I have decided to be proactive and put my faith in English law.

Dear Mr Barwell

I am currently being harassed by swans. Is it possible to take an injunction out against them?
 I would value your advice. I have tried to ring you many times, but your secretary tells me that you are hardly ever in your office. I hope you will not charge me for this short letter. It is only an enquiry.
 As you cannot fail to see, I have enclosed a stamped-addressed envelope.
 Yours,
 A. A. Mole

…

Dear Mr Mole
Thank you for your letter of February 4th where you enquired as to the possibility of serving an injunction on a flock of swans whom you assert are causing you distress.
I have asked my legal partner, Phoebe Wetherfield, to pursue the matter on your behalf. Ms Wetherfield specialises in civil law. I have taken the liberty of arranging an appointment with her (for you) so you can discuss your problem in more depth. Please note, Mr Mole, I do not give free advice. I charge a fee commensurate with the time taken as set by my professional body and approved by the Law Society.
I attach my invoice with the work outlined up to today's date.
Reading instruction PS50 Consulting Ms Wetherfield PS90 Writing letter PS50


…

Disaster. Gielgud broke Gary Milksop's arm last night. At least, the swan was responsible for Gary slipping on the swan shit on the landing and falling down the stairs. He turned on the two weeping girls and said, 'You're both to blame! You know I can't see in the dark.' They drove him to A&E, where they waited with him for six and a half hours.

…

Dear Sir or Madam
I have tried many times to contact you by telephone. I wish to complain about the behaviour of a flock of swans, namely the creatures that inhabit the stretch of canal between Packhorse Bridge and Dye Works Lane. I do not know which department is responsible for the behaviour of swans. I would like to know:

a) Is culling permitted? b) Is the Grand Union Canal Leicester City Council property? and c) To whom do I apply to effect a council tax rebate due to swan misbehaviour?

A swan recently broke a man’s arm; will you please alert your legal department that a claim against Leicester City Council is imminent. I look forward to your rapid response.
Yours faithfully A. A. Mole

…

I received the following letter from the council today re: Swan Harassment.

Dear Mr Mole
Your letter regarding the nuisance you have experienced from your neighbour, Mr Swan, has been passed to this department, the Neighbourhood Conflict Unit.
We offer a reconciliation and conflict-resolution service.
You and Mr Swan would be brought face to face to talk about your differences. You would meet on neutral territory, and our
Conflict Resolution Facilitator would be present. If you wish to avail yourself of this service, please telephone, write or contact me by email on nuisanceneighbour.gov.uk.
I do not have Mr Swan's address. If you send it to me, I will contact him immediately.
Yours sincerely
Trixie Meadows Neighbourhood Conflict Co-ordinator

…

Dear Mr Mole
Just to keep you informed, I have written to Mr Swan, c/o The Swans' Nest, Rat Wharf, Leicester, to inform him that a complaint has been lodged against him at the Neighbourhood Conflict Unit. Meanwhile, Mr Mole, I suggest you keep a record of Mr Swan's antisocial behaviour.
 Yours sincerely Trixie Meadows Neighbourhood Conflict Co-ordinator

…

I phoned immediately to put the record straight regarding 'Mr Swan', but a computer told me that Trixie Meadows was not at her work station.

…

Using my binoculars, I ascertained that Gielgud's wife has laid seven eggs. My worst fears have been realised. When the eggs are hatched, the canal will be overrun with swans.

…

Dear Trixie Meadows

There is no Mr Swan. The swan in question cannot be dignified by the prefix 'Mr'. He is a mute, a creature not a man. He cannot be talked to or reasoned with, because he is in fact a wild animal.

He is dangerous and completely unreasonable. He is constantly defecating on the towpath, the car park and occasionally in the entrance of the Old Battery Factory, where I live. He is making my and my neighbours' lives a misery. Unless the authorities move swiftly to alleviate this grave situation, I fear that a violent act will ensue.

Yours, A. A. Mole

…

Dear Mr Mole
 I found the tone of your letter most offensive. Mr Swan is obviously in need of help, not condemnation.
 You say he is mute. Is he in touch with the Speech Therapy Department at the Leicester Royal Hospital, and is he aware that Social Services can help with his incontinence? Perhaps Mr Swan's problems are the cause of his antisocial behaviour. I still feel that reconciliation and negotiation is the path we should take towards a satisfactory outcome. Calling Mr Swan 'a creature, a wild animal' and threatening violence can only be counterproductive.
 Yours sincerely Trixie Meadows Neighbourhood Conflict Co-ordinator

…

Went to see my father in hospital. Edna was telling him that asylum-seekers have been stealing the Queen's swans and cooking them. Apparently over one hundred swans have disappeared from the River Lea in the East End of London.

…

On the way back from the hospital I listened to Peter Allen and Jane Garvey on Five Live. They were discussing the Asylum-seekers Eat Swans story.
Mrs Garvey was of the opinion that this was an urban myth, similar to the one about the dead granny transported on the roof of a car in a roll of carpet.
A listener from Wolverhampton rang the programme convinced otherwise. He shouted that swan-eating asylum-seekers could expect a PS5,000 fine or six months in prison.

…

I read that today is Swan Upping Day, when the swans on the Thames are counted. Perhaps it was my imagination but Gielgud looked even more arrogant than usual.

It seems that the Queen has the ownership of all unmarked mute swans and is responsible for their welfare and, I presume, their behaviour.


…

Ken came to Rat Wharf for the writers' group meeting. It was a pleasant evening, and he suggested that we walk along the towpath to the Navigation Inn for a drink.

The trouble started as soon as we set foot on the towpath. Gielgud and his wife had been putting the cygnets to bed or something. When they heard us discussing the state of the English novel, they flew on to the towpath with beating wings, hissing beaks and maddened eyes. My glasses were knocked off my face and Ken trod on them in the confusion.

Nobody's arm was broken, but it was a near thing.
We carried on to the Navigation Inn because, as I said to Ken, 'I will not be kept from my cultural activities by a couple of paranoid swans.’
—

Tuesday July 15th
I decided to write to the Keeper of the Swans.

To the Keeper of the Swans
Unit 4 Windsor Castle The Old Battery Factory Windsor

Dear Keeper of the Swans
I am writing to you regarding a gang of swans that habitually congregate on the towpath below my loft apartment. I know that the collective noun for swans is FLOCK, however, their conduct and behaviour is delinquent and to describe them as a gang seems more appropriate. This gang of swans, led by a large cob I call Gielgud, constantly intimidate passers-by and visitors to my apartment.

I am as fond of wildlife as the next man, indeed I once worked for the Department of the Environment as a Senior Newt Development Officer, but I'm of the opinion that when it comes to the crunch, human beings must take precedence. I am therefore making a formal request that the swans be moved to another site, although in Gielgud's case I think culling may be a more suitable option, as he is quite clearly a psychopath.

I fear that Gielgud will never understand that since Mr Prescott's liberalisation of the brownfield sites, many more canalside developments will be built and that swans and humans must learn to coexist peacefully.
I welcome an early reply to my letter. The situation is desperate, and I am here under siege. I'm sure you know that a swan can break a man's arm.
 Yours faithfully A. A. Mole PS I'm sure you will agree with me that should a human fatality occur, Her Majesty the Queen could end up in court. She is, after all, the owner of all the swans in England, and as such bears a heavy responsibility for their conduct.

—

When I got back to Rat Wharf, I crept out on to the balcony, trying to avoid disturbing the swans. But as soon as I sat down, Gielgud noticed me and literally flew on to the balcony and forced me back inside.