Stupid oneshot for Anon

Requested by an Anon

Anon is 30 to 40 years old and is afraid of getting prostate cancer. But he is frustrated that none of the pony doctors can give him a proper prostate exam because they do not have fingers.

After Twilight kicks him out and tells him never to come near her or Spike again, Anon tries to convince Gilda to help.

I'm not sure why I did this. Boredom? Maybe I just wanted a joke story?





>"GET OUT! I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AROUND HERE AGAIN!"
>You're chased out of the library by a really pissed Twilight Sparkle with your pants still down.
>Not sure how you managed to run away with your pants at your ankles, but you don't feel like finding out what magic can really do.
>And you were so close to getting spike to find out if you had prostate cancer.
>Gotta leave town real fast because you basically just fucked yourself with all of your friends. No one in the main 6 is going to want to talk to you after Twilight tells them what happened.
>You grab your shit and begin walking towards the train station. Fortunately, you have quite a few bits saved up, so you should be able to find a new place to work.
>The only issue you have left to deal with is finding someone new who can help you with your 'issue'.
>Buying a ticket to Manehatten, you board the train and get ready for a long ride, mind filled with concern that you may die fairly soon if you don't get any help.

>Finally reach Manehatten. Get off the train and begin scouting out possible living situations.
>After what feels like hours of searching, you find nothing and decide to stay at a hotel for the night.
>In the morning, you continue the search and find a small apartment complexe that has a rooms available sign.
>Worth a shot, so you make your way in.
>You find a... griffon? She's sitting behind a desk and looks to be the owner of the store.
>"What do you want, dweeb".
>What a fucking dick.
>You put on your best smile and ask how much rent is.
>Her face shows some curiosity after she looks up to see who is actually there.
>"Hey, you're that guy Rainbow Dash hung around with aren't you?"
>Tell her that yes, while you were friends with her, you weren't on the best of terms now.
>"She drop you like a rock too?"
>Eh, some issues you'd rather not talk about.
>"Oh, ok. Wait, are you a predator?"
>Tell her that you used to be a big meet eater prior to appearing in Equestria one day.
>"Shit man, me too! Equestria kinda does that to yah."
>You kinda figured she was because of being a griffon and all.
>"Well, you seem like a pretty cool dude. I assume you're here about the room?"
>Yah, had to leave p0nyville for a few reasons and was looking for a new place to stay.
>"Well, I can get that. That town is pretty lame anyways."
>Laugh with her for a second and ask about room pricing again.
>"Tell yah what Anon, since you seem like an alright guy, I'll hook you up with a small discount. Hows 30 bits a month sound?"
>You're begining to like this griffon more and more.

>Tell her it's a deal and ask her name.
>"Oh, didn't realize I was such an idiot and forgot to give you my name. Name's Gilda, coolest griffon in Equestria!"
>You shake hands with her... claw?
>Pay her your bits for the first month and she shows you to your room.
>She leaves you and you begin to unpack.
>Holy shit, how lucky are you. You found someone else who will be able to help you with your 'issue' that made you leave p0nyville.
>The next day comes by quicker than you can blink and you find yourself downstairs chatting it up with Guilda again.
>"Pffff, yah, that Pinkie Pie was a total chump. She was so weird and annoying."
>Nod your head in agreement.
>"So, uh Anon, wana hang tonight and go to the bars? I know a few places around here that are pretty good."
>Agree and tell her you have some shopping to do.
>You go and pick up some groceries at the local store for your new pad.
>Tonight will make it all the easier for you to get your issue taken care of.

>You meet up with Gilda after she's done with paperwork.
>Ask her if she's ready to go.
>"Yah man! Been looking forward to it all day!"
>She flies next to you, slightly ahead enough to direct your walking path through the crowded streets.
>You take some stairs down to a dingy looking bar.
>Ask her if she's sure that this place is really as cool as she let on.
>"Yah man! Everyone in here is beyond cool. Nothing the snobs of Manehatten could ever compete with."
>You're led through the door into one of the dirtiest bars you've ever seen.
>You also wondered why there wasn't some guy greeting you and asking how tough you were.
>For the most part, the patrons of the bar looked like they've killed before. Definitely a different view than what you're normally accustomed to in this brightly-colored world.
>Well, as long as Gilda is drunk enough, your plans should go ahead as scheduled no matter where she got drunk.
>The night rolls on as you continue to buy drinks for Gilda.
>"WHOH Anon, yur like the best friend I ever had!"
>As she finishes that drink, you tell her that it's probably a good idea to get home soon.
>You walk her stumbling ass back to your apartment.
>"Hey Anon... Why'd you take me ta yur apartment?" She asks while swaying back and forth.
>You blurt out some excuse that you wanted to do a special human ritual to celebrate new friends or some bullshit.
>"Oh man, that sounds cool!"

>You tell her exactly what she has to do. Tell her if it feels lumpy, that means you can;t be friends with her.
>Down go the pants and you bend over.
>Holy fuck, what were you thinking, this is the worst idea you've ever had.
>The claw goes in and begins tearing your shit apart.
>You start screaming, but Gilda doesn't really notice with being as drunk as she is.
>"Oh Anon! I think I feel it! Nothing but sooth sailing."
>She begins pulling the claw back out, ripping even more than when it went in. As the claw comes out, so does a shit ton of blood.
>"Anon! What the buck are you crying about you big baby! Whatever, I'm gunna get out of here. See yah tomorrow, you big baby."
>She stumbles out of the room and leaves you by yourself.
>You lay there, thinking over how bad an idea this was as blood continues to flow from you wrecked rectum.
>Fucking dumbass, I'm sure they had ways to test for this much better than the way you went about it.
>Why didn't you ask anyone?
>The next morning, you're found laying on the floor, dead from blood loss by your new bro Gilda.