DnD story by Lilmikee

[18:44:50] <%Lilmikee> Yesterday there was a D&D fifth edition playtest at that place with the burgers
[18:45:01] <%Lilmikee> I decided, why the fuck not?
[18:45:27] <%Lilmikee> There was a lot of people and the guy running it basically said "okay, we're having a sensible party and a retard party.
[18:45:40] <%Lilmikee> I obviously volunteered for the retard party.
[18:46:04] <%Lilmikee> We got given basic character templates to work with; five different ones and we ideally have one of each
[18:46:19] <%Lilmikee> So instead we had three halfling rogues - the legendary McIroncock brothers
[18:46:35] <%Lilmikee> Dicksmash McIroncock, the eldest son and current head of the clan
[18:46:48] <%Lilmikee> Rusty McIroncock, his half-irish beer-brewing brother
[18:47:11] <%Lilmikee> and So-Hai McIroncock, a long-lost asian relative who was also a pot farmer - hence the name[18:47:14] <%Lilmikee> He's always so high
[18:47:33] <%Lilmikee> We also had a transvestite elven wizard
[18:47:44] <%Lilmikee> and evangelical pimp cleric who worshipped a god of sex
[18:48:12] <%Lilmikee> So think "PRAISE the lord, in all his sexual glory, and heal these lowly virgins of their battle wounds
[18:48:21] <%Lilmikee> With lots of hands being thrown up in the air
[18:48:23] <+Nine> Hahaha
[18:49:05] <%Lilmikee> So the McIroncock party meets up - Rusty actually doesn\'t catch up until later mind - and overhear bandits talking about a planned caravan raid
[18:49:07] <%Lilmikee> about an hour out of town
[18:49:36] <%Lilmikee> So the McIroncocks set forth on the road, and meet the caravan TWO hours down the road
[18:49:40] <%Lilmikee> and raid it themselves
[18:49:44] * @Ile takes a seat and popcorn
[18:49:47] <@Ile> this should be fun
[18:50:55] <%Lilmikee> We approached the caravan, the two original McIroncocks - Dicksmash and So-hai - hide in position, our pimp-cleric lures out the guards and we sling bullets at them from treetops and basically murder them all pretty damn quickly
[18:51:08] <%Lilmikee> Oh, as an aside, this is a playtest and we barely understood the rules
[18:51:12] <%Lilmikee> So for the first two fights
[18:51:20] <%Lilmikee> the cleric had no idea how to use his healing spells
[18:51:28] <%Lilmikee> And this is entirely what a cleric does
[18:51:48] <%Lilmikee> So we stole a caravan full of herbs and spices. So-hai identifies several of them as being potent drugs
[18:51:57] <%Lilmikee> and are also applicable in healing potions
[18:52:20] <%Lilmikee> So we make some blunts and healing potions, bag the caravan gold and spices
[18:52:29] <%Lilmikee> and Dicksmash declares he tames the caravans horse
[18:52:45] <%Lilmikee> A successful attempt on the first try and now we have a horse
[18:53:00] <+Nine> Not bad
[18:53:03] <%Lilmikee> Now we can't go back to town because there's bandits waiting down the road
[18:53:28] <%Lilmikee> and we can't go the other way because people will recognise the returning caravan at the next town
[18:53:40] <%Lilmikee> Since it was a regular trade route
[18:53:53] <%Lilmikee> So we fuck off into the fields and stumble on an abandoned farmstead
[18:54:17] <%Lilmikee> noticing nobody is here we loot the place for jack-fucking-shit and after a while of faffing about
[18:54:26] <%Lilmikee> the bandits enter the area
[18:54:41] <%Lilmikee> They're a bit pissed because they found the caravan already raided and tracked us
[18:55:03] <%Lilmikee> Wizard and cleric hid in a building, McIroncocks behind a low wall (we're halfings), and fight 2 begins
[18:55:17] <%Lilmikee> There's a LOT of bandits; mostly goblins and hobgoblins
[18:55:37] <%Lilmikee> And their leader is a devilish looking guy with an armour class of "nope"
[18:56:25] <%Lilmikee> So while the spellcasters hide in a house attracting the goblins, the McIroncocks charge out - despite being rogues and not suited to direct combat - and we start prying off the guys armour with our daggers
[18:56:45] <%Lilmikee> Dicksmash takes a painful hit to the face, and desperately whistles
[18:56:52] <%Lilmikee> to see if his horse will come running
[18:57:19] <%Lilmikee> The horse doesn't just come running - it charges into the bandits and smashes the tiefling to the floor, and a couple of goblins
[18:57:29] <%Lilmikee> Then turns around and does it again
[18:57:47] <+Nine> it reminds me of the ass creed: bros horse
[18:57:48] <%Lilmikee> The horse was now an active combatant - we named it Sarah Jessica Parker
[18:58:34] <%Lilmikee> So with the horse now knocking things over left and right the goblins tried to set fire to the house with the transvestite and pimp inside
[18:58:36] <%Jpg> I've never played D&D before, but I now want to
[18:58:49] <%Lilmikee> They light a torch and toss it into the window
[18:58:52] <%Lilmikee> The pimp tosses it out again
[18:58:58] <%Lilmikee> the next goblin throws another torch
[18:59:02] <%Lilmikee> Wizard tosses it out
[18:59:08] <%Lilmikee> This goes on for a few rounds
[18:59:33] <%Lilmikee> And eventually the goblins go "fuck it" and sets fire to the roof directly
[18:59:39] <%Lilmikee> by climbing on top of each other
[18:59:55] <%Lilmikee> the wizard, seeing them all in the same space, casts a spell hitting them all at once
[19:00:04] <%Lilmikee> Bunch of dead goblins
[19:00:18] <%Lilmikee> Dicksmash gets a lucky hit on the tiefling, now there's no boss
[19:00:25] <%Lilmikee> The only thing left is a lizardman
[19:00:46] <%Lilmikee> So-Hai attempted to climb a tree and drop on it from above, but the lizardman just swatted him out the air
[19:00:59] <%Lilmikee> so we instead convinced him to join our party
[19:01:10] <%Lilmikee> saying if he didn't, we'd make a fancy pair of drakeskin boots
[19:01:17] <%Lilmikee> He agreed. So now we had a captured horse and drake.
[19:01:41] <%Lilmikee> At this point I actually checked the clerics spells
[19:01:54] <%Lilmikee> and found out he hadn't been healing us because he didn't know he had healing spells
[19:02:06] <%Lilmikee> So I smacked him upside the head for not being able to read
[19:02:38] <%Lilmikee> We found this tiny crystal-eyed skull. The pimp decided it was a nice accessory and paid Dicksmash to graft it to his cane
[19:02:53] <%Lilmikee> So-Hai made the cleric use the rest of our herbs to make more healing potions
[19:03:15] <%Lilmikee> Then we set off to find somewhere else to loot, the Drake (now named Hotrod) and Sarah Jessica Parker in tow
[19:03:23] <%Lilmikee> This is where things start getting really stupid
[19:03:39] <%Lilmikee> We found a house and used it to get a rest for the night
[19:03:55] <%Lilmikee> Then woke up and apparently the building was actually trashed
[19:04:11] <%Lilmikee> Like it'd been burned down and we'd slept in piles of ash and not noticed
[19:04:15] <%Lilmikee> A bit of party bickering
[19:04:23] <%Lilmikee> and somehow the tiny skull explodes and sends off a beacon
[19:04:46] <%Lilmikee> We step out the house, and there's a skeleton guy with a bunch of zombie minions approaching
[19:05:05] <%Lilmikee> He's zombified our horse and Hotrod - who tried to escape - outside
[19:05:14] <%Lilmikee> And then dialogue went soemthing like this
[19:05:28] <%Lilmikee> "Ah, the legendary McIroncock brothers. I have heard of your exploits"
[19:05:54] <%Lilmikee> "Oh hey that's cool. You look like a cool guy want to go kill stuff?"
[19:06:02] <%Lilmikee> "No, I have business. I'm looking for something of mine"
[19:06:08] <%Lilmikee> Wizard: "Like a skull?"
[19:06:15] <%Lilmikee> Pimp: "Shut up."
[19:06:24] <%Lilmikee> Dicksmash: "we don't have a skull."
[19:06:29] <%Lilmikee> Skeleton guy is not impressed.
[19:06:42] <%Lilmikee> "Okay. Where is my skull?"
[19:06:50] <%Lilmikee> Wizard: "The pimp blew it up
[19:06:59] <%Lilmikee> Pimp: "Shut the FUCK up we don't have a skull."
[19:07:09] <%Lilmikee> Skeleton: "You... Blew up... The skull..."
[19:07:27] <%Lilmikee> Long story short we majorly pissed him off by blowing up his skull.
[19:07:31] <%Lilmikee> Never found out what it did
[19:07:44] <%Lilmikee> This is a long story, by the way
[19:07:49] <@Ile> i can see that
[19:07:53] <%Lilmikee> Anyway at this point the wizard now reads his spells
[19:07:58] <%Lilmikee> And realises he can cast sleep
[19:08:04] <%Lilmikee> He also reads the spell wrong
[19:08:10] <%Lilmikee> and thinks it casts sleep on everything
[19:08:13] <%Lilmikee> So we do this
[19:08:22] <%Lilmikee> and put the skeleton and his zombie minions to sleep
[19:08:39] <%Lilmikee> somehow we still retain control of Sarah Jessica Parker, but not Hotrod the zombie
[19:08:43] <%Lilmikee> Fuck year undead horse mount
[19:08:53] <%Lilmikee> Anyway we talk for a bit while the skeleton dude is out
[19:09:04] <%Lilmikee> "So are they his minions or what?"
[19:09:14] <%Lilmikee> "There's no ambient magic in the air, and I\'d say they can move on their own
[19:09:35] <%Lilmikee> he probably just gives them orders with magic and they\'re too mindless to not obey."
[19:09:45] <%Lilmikee> "So... If we kill the skeleton dude"
[19:09:51] <%Lilmikee> "We get a free zombie army"
[19:09:54] <%Lilmikee> LETS DO THIS
[19:10:11] <%Lilmikee> So-Hai and Dicksmash take hiding positions behind a building and in a fountain
[19:10:26] <%Lilmikee> and chuck daggers and bullets every turn
[19:10:43] <%Lilmikee> So-Hai is actually horribly effective, and smashes the skeleton for at least half its life over the course of the fight
[19:10:58] <%Lilmikee> The cleric and wizard spent most of the time trying to keep the zombies asleep
[19:11:19] <%Lilmikee> And Sarah Jessica Parker was told to stand somewhere far away so it didn't wake up any zombies
[19:11:51] <%Lilmikee> And eventually the skeleton king manages to wake his minions
[19:11:54] <%Lilmikee> but not soon enough
[19:12:15] <%Lilmikee> Dicksmash finishes him off with a well-placed kick to the groin, shattering the pelvis
[19:12:22] <%Lilmikee> Hence the name Dicksmash
[19:12:38] <%Lilmikee> Then we start trying to figure out how to capture the zombies
[19:12:52] <%Lilmikee> The DM goes "No. No, fuck that, you are not having zombie minions."
[19:13:00] <@Ile> haha
[19:13:01] <%Lilmikee> And they all merge into a super dragon zombie
[19:13:04] <%Lilmikee> We cast sleep on it
[19:13:18] <%Lilmikee> It doesn't work, so we start rolling diplomacy to convince it to join us
[19:13:23] <%Lilmikee> The DM is not pleased
[19:13:26] <+Nine> Hahaha
[19:13:44] <nobl3_wolf> so, basically, it's your team versus the DM?
[19:13:54] <%Lilmikee> At first, it was a general campaign
[19:13:56] <%Lilmikee> but at this point
[19:13:57] <%Lilmikee> Yes
[19:14:03] <%Lilmikee> because we were about to break his spirit
[19:14:08] <%Lilmikee> Dicksmash's player had to go for a smoke
[19:14:34] <%Lilmikee> I determined that as his brother (I was playing So-Hai) I can predict his movements accurately enough to roll for him
[19:14:46] <%Lilmikee> The dragon starts charging a super breath attack
[19:14:52] <%Lilmikee> Pimp fails diplomacy
[19:15:01] <%Lilmikee> Transvestite fails diplomacy
[19:15:06] <%Lilmikee> Dicksmash still isn't there so I roll
[19:15:08] <%Lilmikee> and fail
[19:15:21] <%Lilmikee> Then I roll for Dicksmash - and crit. We now have a pet zombie dragon
[19:15:38] <+Nine> you can crit diplomacy?
[19:15:45] <%Lilmikee> No
[19:15:49] <%Lilmikee> but the DM didn't know
[19:16:07] <%Lilmikee> If you roll a 20 on a d20, it's considered a crit. It's only applicable in combat but none of us actually knew this
[19:16:12] <%Lilmikee> we just knew that 20 = autosuccess
[19:16:14] <+Nine> ah
[19:16:32] <%Lilmikee> So we took a break
[19:16:57] <%Lilmikee> We flew to a port town on the back of the dragon -all four party members and our undead horse- and stopped outside for a rest
[19:17:03] <%Lilmikee> DM goes off to plot to kill us fucking dead
[19:17:13] <+Nine> l0l
[19:17:14] <%Lilmikee> Eventually comes back, lets us dick around town for a bit
[19:17:31] <%Lilmikee> the McIroncocks run into their brother Rusty McIroncock, who is pissing in the town fountain
[19:17:38] <%Lilmikee> We discover him as we are also pissing in the town fountain
[19:18:09] <%Lilmikee> Then overhead there's a loud roar, and our dragon falls from the sky and smashes into the ground, dead as a thing can be
[19:18:34] <%Lilmikee> Then four heavily armoured men of varying race charge into the market square, proclaiming victory over the undead threat
[19:18:38] <%Lilmikee> These are "heroes of light"
[19:18:52] <%Lilmikee> And they slew the zombie dragon effortlessly, and also the horse tied up outside
[19:19:01] <%Lilmikee> Dicksmash and So-Hai are not amused at this
[19:19:04] <%Lilmikee> Oh I should mention
[19:20:04] <%Lilmikee> while dicking around in town, Rusty McIroncock brewed a strong family beer
[19:20:08] <%Lilmikee> 70% alcohol proof
[19:20:14] <%Lilmikee> and we were pretty fucking hammered on this
[19:20:23] <%Lilmikee> But, we offer to share some with the heroes
[19:20:34] <%Lilmikee> Planning to weaken and backstab them like the family rogues we are
[19:20:55] <%Lilmikee> Then the cleric pimp realises these are the guys who killed our dragon
[19:20:58] <%Lilmikee> And he's very upset
[19:22:39] <%Lilmikee> Anyway, the cleric starts complaining loudly to his god
[19:22:51] <%Lilmikee> "THESE HEATHENS HAVE SLAIN OUR HORSE"
[19:23:03] <%Lilmikee> McIroncocks: "Ignore him, he's just drunk"
[19:23:11] <%Lilmikee> Heroes: "That was your horse?"
[19:23:20] <%Lilmikee> Cleric: "DAMN RIGHT IT WAS OUR HORSE"
[19:23:31] <%Lilmikee> McIroncocks: "NO. Well okay yes but-"
[19:23:48] <%Lilmikee> Heroes: "You have an UNDEAD horse?"
[19:24:10] <%Lilmikee> McIroncocks: "Well yes but we tamed it, we captured it from evil men"
[19:24:20] <%Lilmikee> Cleric shouted more things I don't remember
[19:24:32] <%Lilmikee> But mentions we also browbeat the drake into joining us
[19:24:42] <%Lilmikee> Heroes: "YOU ARE THEIVES AND SLAVE DRIVERS"
[19:24:50] <%Lilmikee> McIroncocks: "Now hold on-"
[19:25:00] <%Lilmikee> The last sentence doesn't get finished
[19:25:04] <%Lilmikee> the fucking WIZARD
[19:25:11] <%Lilmikee> Who you remember started the fight with the skeleton
[19:25:20] <%Lilmikee> Threw Rustys beard on the dwarf
[19:25:23] <%Lilmikee> they drew their weapons
[19:25:42] <%Lilmikee> These guys just killed a zombie dragon with ease
[19:25:45] <%Lilmikee> Shit is now REAL
[19:25:57] <%Lilmikee> Rusty asks which one is covered in his beer
[19:26:10] <%Lilmikee> "not the time, Rusty"
[19:26:21] <%Lilmikee> "No, if he's cover in my beer he's flammable
[19:26:37] <%Lilmikee> McIroncocks stop for a second, then empty their remaining beer on the heroes
[19:26:49] <%Lilmikee> We now have three very beer-covered heroes
[19:26:59] <%Lilmikee> The wizard and cleric light their torches and toss
[19:27:25] <%Lilmikee> Now the heroes of light are are taking continuous fire damage unless they can extinguish themselves, which they don't for a while
[19:27:31] <%Lilmikee> The cleric and wizard run
[19:27:48] <%Lilmikee> The McIroncocks, all of whom are halfling rogues with the exact same skillset, run and hide
[19:28:17] <%Lilmikee> Now interesting note about DND, when a fight starts you roll initiative to see what order people go in
[19:28:30] <%Lilmikee> the McIroncocks all rolled so well we all went fight
[19:28:32] <%Lilmikee> First*
[19:28:39] <%Lilmikee> This matters later
[19:28:59] <%Lilmikee> Anyway the Ironcocks take up hiding positions and start hailing the hero dwarf with bullets
[19:29:26] <%Lilmikee> The human chases our wizard and the elf chases our cleric
[19:29:35] <%Lilmikee> We're left dealing with a very pissed off, burning dwarg
[19:29:50] <%Lilmikee> And a not-on-fire-because-he's-a-dragonborn hero
[19:30:04] <%Lilmikee> The dragonborn keeps going in circles around this wagon to chase after Rusty
[19:30:16] <%Lilmikee> So-Hai takes a vantage point from the top of a stall
[19:30:27] <%Lilmikee> and Dicksmash crawls under the wagon and is unnoticed
[19:30:37] <%Lilmikee> The dwarf is actually too busy being on FIRE to attack us
[19:30:45] <%Lilmikee> And it turns out they're not actually that tough
[19:30:50] <%Lilmikee> but when they hit, they hit HARD
[19:31:09] <%Lilmikee> The first one down is wizard, as the human catches up and smacks our wizard down in two hits
[19:31:42] <%Lilmikee> Rusty McIroncock is next, as the Dragonborn chases him constantly around the market, and is much fastert
[19:31:59] <%Lilmikee> However, the combined efforts of Dicksmash and So-Hai finish off the dwarf
[19:32:06] <%Lilmikee> and turn their attention to the dragonborn
[19:32:25] <%Lilmikee> So-hai and dicksmash are technically hidden, and get high damage bonuses for it
[19:32:36] <%Lilmikee> So the dragonborn doesn't last three turns
[19:32:50] <%Lilmikee> The cleric, however, is still being hunted by the human and eladrin, and he fled into a building
[19:33:02] <%Lilmikee> He had a few turns of safety until the human and eladrin broke in
[19:33:25] <%Lilmikee> So-Hai gives Rusty his healing potions from WAY back at the beginning
[19:33:38] <%Lilmikee> And the three McIroncocks descend on the two remaining heroes of light
[19:33:52] <%Lilmikee> Unfortunately as we reach the door we see the Eladrin performing a coup de grace on the cleric
[19:33:53] <%Lilmikee> He dead.
[19:34:21] <%Lilmikee> We now notice that all three McIroncocks are capable of moving at once. So we take a simultanious attack and all fire in sync
[19:34:55] <%Lilmikee> This was pretty cool but turned out to be unnecessary; So-Hai critted his shit and threw a bullet straight through the Eladrins brain
[19:35:07] <+Nine> Lol
[19:35:10] <%Lilmikee> One hero left, three McIroncocks remain
[19:35:30] <%Lilmikee> The human actually cowers inside the building as the McIroncocks storm in, and start taking more synchronised shots
[19:35:42] <%Lilmikee> In an enclosed space, the human has no room to move
[19:35:53] <%Lilmikee> And the extra shots stop her dodging
[19:36:13] <%Lilmikee> She gets off a desperate shot which takes down Rusty - again - before Dicksmash landas the finishing blow
[19:36:29] <%Lilmikee> We take a second to mourn our fallen brother before remembering the cleric had more healing potions
[19:36:35] <%Lilmikee> So we loot his body, revive Rusty
[19:36:51] <%Lilmikee> and the McIroncocks stroll out into the market
[19:37:33] <%Lilmikee> Having killed the only heroes of the land, they are now free to do what McIroncocks do best - drag blood and chaos through the dirt everywhere they tread
[19:37:41] <%Lilmikee> Until the DM delcares "fuck it, rocks fall everyone dies"