Ork Posting #1

Sup, /k/, here's how my weekend went

>Be me
>Be Albertanon
>Live outside Calgary
>Totalfuckingshithole.jpg
>Mayor's a pajeet and probably a fag
>City filled with chinks, pajeets, Muslims, you name it, all anti-gun
>I don't go there much
>But my uncle has a country place no one knows about
>He said it used to be a farm before, but all that's left is a cabin and a few outbuildings
>It's right on the border of an Aboriginal N'urgleth People's Reserve
>For burgers, that means Orcs.
>No big deal, most N'urglatha stay on their own land, take gobernment cheese, and spend it drinking booze, hunting elk, and fucking all day long.
>Fucking wish Trudeau would pay me to do that.
>Anyway, I'm not working currently so I decided to take a trip up to visit the old geezer at his place.
>He's a crazy old coot, but he was always good to me, and got me started with firearms, so I try to visit when I can
>I get up there, but he's gone. I find a note on the table for me
>Lucky bastard won a free cruise and left last week for a month in the Bahamas without telling anyone
>He's probably covered in Pina Colada-flavored Slimegirls right now.
>RyanGosling.gif
>Fuck it, I'm going innawoods.
>Grab my nugget, pack a ruck and head out
>At least I'll get to enjoy a little hunting and camping in peace

>I'm about a mile into my hike, still in familiar territory, following a deer track vaguely north.
>Shouldbroughtmyatv.mpeg
>Got 10-22 for rabbits in case I want something besides MREs
>Got Mosin in case of skinwalkers
>Got fuddy-five auto because fuck you and your neighbors eardrums
>Mostly just looking to find a nice spot to camp
>spend the morning just exploring the deer track, blasting Rush and taking in the early spring chill
>YYZ.mp3
>Walk for a few hours, find a sweet clearing.
>It's got a stream nearby for freshwater, plenty of dry firewood, and someone even left some barrels and a few wood pallets leaning against some of the trees
>Very Stalker
>Obviously a fellow /k/ommando's hideaway, but it's off-season so I'm not afraid to use it for the night.
>Set up camp and make myself at home
>Turn on my speaker and play Cheeky Breeki while I make dinner
>It's getting late, starting to grow dark
>I'm now thoroughly enjoying my bandit camp
>Decide to go to bed early so I can explore more tomorrow
>Fall asleep.
>Awaken suddenly to a noise in the bushes, a rustling sound.
>Click
>A rock comes sailing into the camp from the forst
>I freeze in my sleeping bag
>I wait
>Clack
>Another rock, from a different direction
>Oh fuck what is this
>Clack clack
>More rocks
>There's a fucking poltergeist out there
>Shoulder my rifle and peer into the darkness
>Full moon tonight, lucky for me
>See a lighter-colored shape against the foliage
>Light-colored suddenly moves
>5roundsrapid.mp4
>I unload with my Mosin at what I think is the poltergeist's location
>Mosin bolt jams
>Oh shit oh fuck
>Switch to my .45
>Shapes keep moving, coming closer
>Fuckthisshitimout
>Mag-dump .45, grab bag and book it.
>Run 5 miles in about 5 minutes
>Quiet
>Stillness
>I made it
>Suddenly pinned from behind in a vice-like grip
>"What Humie doing in MY forest!"
>Heart submits letter of resignation, along with bladder

>I try to twist away, but it's like both my arms are set in concrete
>Can't reach my 10-.22
>I knew I should have had that cyanide tooth installed
>When you find yourself wounded in Alberta's plains
>I can feel the beast's hot, moust breath on my neck
>And the monsters come out to chew up what remains
>Suddenly the creature releases my arms, grabs my shoulders, and spins me around
>Just roll to your rifle and blow out your brains
>Fucking Rudyard Kipling
>I close my eyes and wait for the end
>Suddenly shaken violently
>"Why humie shoot at!! Not want hurt! K'achi nice Ork! Try warn Humie!"
>I open my eyes. The fearsome beast is actually only a little over 6 ft tall, dark green, and dressed in skins and beads
>She's also fucking gorgeous
>"Is Humie listen?! Or can hear after shooting bang-stick?"
>Her fierce expression changes to worry, and she grabs.my face and pulls close to hers
>"Can...Humie...Hear...K'achi?" She asks, slowly and loudly
>She pronounces it KAW-SHEE, like the trail mix
>I nod my head
>She looks relieved, then angry again
>"Humie not shoot at K'achi! K'achi want warm humie is not safe place to camp. Humie not supposed to be in forest! This N'urgala land."

>I mumble something about thinking she was a skin-walker
>She asks what that is
>I say nevermind and apologize for shooting at her
>She explains that campsite is an old Orkish hunting spot, and that it was being used as a base in her tribes war-games. She was playing goal-keeper, and she had tried to warn me so that I wouldn't be kicked awake by a half-dozen tired, angry Orkish teenagers, surprised to find a human occupying their camp in the morning.
>I must have wandered into Reservation land last night by mistake
>"K'achi glad she found humie safe. Other group is all Ork girls. Can be mean after all night raid."
>"Since Humie already lost....mebbe...mebbe want come back to K'achi camp? Have fire and can rest, then can help Humie back in morning"
>Her voice is low but sweet, and although her English is crude her accent isn't bad. She looks nice enough, and she did try to help, and after all I WAS lost...
> I agree and follow her back to camp, stopping first to collect my kit and ouse my fire at the basecamp. She hikes confidently through the brush, apparently able to see perfectly in the dim moonlight.
>I am uncomfortably aware of how good her ass looks in buckskin

>We get to camp
>It's a small clearing with a banked fire and a hut made of small logs braken covered in mud and leaves. A semi-permanent shelter, used by line Ork scouts or hunters
>It's a fairly big shelter, but only by human standards. She nearly fills the space.
>"What Humie wait for? Come inside, K'achi make room. Not want Humie get sick from cold."
>I try to explain about polar fleece and down-lined sleeping bags
>Her melodious voice turns to a growl that brooks no argument
>"HUMIE. GET. IN. HUT"
>YesMa'am.jpg
>It's not as tight a squeeze as I thought. I lay on my sleeping bag and she lays furs down over both of us.
>Her skin is warm and soft
>Her hair smells like honeysuckle
>I start to wonder if all those stories about Orks are true
>She reaches out with her arms and legs and pulls me in, hugging me with her whole body
>The rumors are true
>Ork hugs are the best
>She pulls me close, gives me one quick squeeze, and whispers in my ear
>"Goodnight, Humie"
>Then she sighs sweetly and falls asleep.
>It takes much longer for me to do so.

>I sleep for what feels like a long time
>I wake up feeling rested, alert, fresh, like most people do after camping
>Most of my concern from the night before is gone
>I am maximum /comfy/
>Warm, soft furs (elk? deer?)
>Warm sleeping bag underneath
>Smells of frying bacon and maple syrup outside
>slight smell of honeysuckle and sweat inside
>I could stay here forever
>Stomachrumbling.ogg
>OK, guess it's time to get up
>Throw off furs
>I'm naked, except for several necklaces and a pair of soft bracelets
>Politely inquire about my clothes
>K'achi poles her head in and smiles sweetly
>K'achi wear humie clothes once. Not like. Too tight. Not good for sleep in. K'achi take off, give good Ork furs instead. Humie cold?"
>A look of concern flashes over her beautiful features
>I assure her I'm fine
>"So, where are they? I'll get dressed and help with breakfast"
>"K'achi take and clean in stream, too dirty to wear. Might hurt soft humie skin! They drying now. You wear this until humie clothes ready...if want wear anything at all..."
>She smiles shyly and presents a buckskin breachclout
>I begin to see where things are going
>Fuck it, whats the worst that could happen?
>I put on the breechclout, noticing that she also included several more decorative bracelets and arm- and leg-bands. She fusses over me putting them on right.
>She steps back to look over her handywork
>I look like a 5'11" White Canadian dressed as a N'urgala Brave.
>She squeals with delight and makes me turn around and pose several times
>I had no idea Orks could sound this adorable
>After a little while, she gets bored of playing withe her humie dress-up doll and hustles me over to the fire

>She's got an old cast-iron skillet sizzling on the fire, filled with eggs and ham
>You boys remember my love of breakfast foods cooked by strong women, right?
>A jug of maple syrup is nearby
>Her recipe is eggs, hearty slices of ham, covered in syrup.
>And coffee, praise Bog in heaven
>She's eating as fast as she can cook
>She's in amazing shape, I can see her abs peeking through her buckskin vest. She must have a metabolism like a god damn nuclear plant
>The breakfast is amazing. I drink a pint of coffee and eat half a hogs worth of ham.
>I feel like a viking warrior in my new duds.
>If only /fit/ could see me now
>We finish and I help haul the dishes to the river to wash. She soaks them and I scrub them down with sand. I notice my gear packed neatly by a large rock
>She notices me staring
>"Uh...Humie...K'achi was wondering..."
>"It is g'narth'balatot, time of becoming. War games held in honor of Nurglala boys and girls becoming warriors"
>I nod, vaguely remembering my lessons in Native Cultural studies in school
>"All N'urgala feel nawatek'illat, Nature's Voice at this time. Most stay with Life-Mate this time, and bring new N'urgala to tribe. Only no-bond are sent to watch game. K'achi not bonded, but still feel bond-call. Feel it strong, especially with you near. Feel stronger than ever before"
>She shifts closer, coming at me on hands and knees
>"Could smell humie last night in woods...can smell now...can Humie smell K'achi?"

>She smells amazing
>I realize that isn't flower-scent in her hair, it coming off her whole body
>I am almost completely naked, lying on my back against a rock, with She-Hulk looming over me, her expression filled with lust and need
>I am an iron bar. I am a steel pipe. I have never been so turned on in my entire life. I said she was pretty before, but I was wrong.
>She wasn't pretty.
>She was gorgeous, spectacular. Her hair was long and straight and jet-black. Her skin was flushed dark green and pink on her cheeks, palms, and soles. Her fangs are pure white and filed to short, delicate points. Her body was strong and graceful. Her breasts were great, heaving green masses dusted with dusky freckles. Her hips flaired wide into a tight ass and long, powerful legs.
>"Do...Does Humie want to...to dance? The way the bond-mates do? K'achi has never done before, not with male, but...knows how. Can teach humie, if like..."
>She is on top of me, holding me with her arms, shaking slightly. I brush her hair away from her eyes and look deep into the great yellow pools.
>She looks...hungry
>Fuck it, here goes nothing
>"OK, K'achi, let's dance--but just one thing."
>She moans softly
>"Whatever Humie want! Just no tease K'achi more! Want you, Humie...mmm, smell so good..."
>I spend a half-second pondering that before forging on
>"Just one condition--I get to be on top!"
>Her face lights up in a wide grin
>I do my best to keep it there for the next several hours