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hey guys welcome to this module on
killing the nice guy
and right away I know that that word
might be too strong for some people
killing the nice guy but I think your
resistance to this killing the nice guy
is directly proportional to the level of
nice guy you have okay and so let's
start off with identifying the nice guy
inside of you you see the nice guy plays
it safe he's too needy he's clean it's a
little jealous he is seeking validation
from others he doesn't have spine
doesn't have backbone most importantly
he's afraid to get his needs met he is
not able to express himself fully he
would rather play it safe with his words
rather than speak the truth so he wants
to say safe by being nice he doesn't
want to speak his truth because he's
afraid that if he does speak his truth
that others wouldn't like him that
others wouldn't approve of him he
wouldn't get the validation that he so
desperately needs to love himself you
see the nice guy syndrome I'll say is a
really a psychological problem that men
have with far more reaching consequences
than we normally think we normally think
of a nice guy is just like oh he's just
like that friend he's nice he's always
there for you but you see the nice guy
is actually a manipulator
you see the nice guy behavior is driven
by a fixed thought a need inside of you
to get everyone to like you to validate
you to approve of you the nice guy
measures his self esteem by how much he
does for others instead of putting his
own needs first
he often will put others needs before
his own and so all of this is to protect
the nice guy from rejection hurtful type
negative treatment from others so he's
nice and because he's nice will he like
me back it's will you like me back I did
something nice for you like me back
please like me back he's driven inside
internally to take care of others before
his own needs he does too much for
others and asked for so little in return
he almost will never say no he will he
will say yes even when he doesn't want
to say yes because he doesn't want to
offend anyone he doesn't want others to
not like him he doesn't want to lose
that validation from others and this
will often come from men and women and
the nice guy never delegates he's never
willing to ask others to help him or to
have others do other things for noon
he'll do everything on his own and often
spreading himself too thin a nice guy
would get a lot of anxiety at the
anticipation of conflict or of some sort
of confrontation so he'll often avoid
that instead of having to deal with that
and rise up and be strong and be
confident and be able to handle conflict
or and come to a resolution he'd rather
just be nice he'd rather just play it
small he'd rather just avoid the
conflict and just let negative bad
treatment just happened so that he
doesn't have to stand up so the nice guy
pleases others to protect himself from
any sort of conflict any sort of
confrontation any sort of interaction
with someone that that potentially would
force him to have to step up he would
rather not step up and he would rather
be nice he would rather just play small
and let please let this pass please if I
say nothing this will just go away and
the problem with this is the nice guy
has done this for years and years and
years and it's become his way of life so
he's never really learned how to step up
how to handle conflict how to handle
confrontation with others in a
relationship or even with other people
let's say even in business or even let's
say just in your regular life you're at
a restaurant and the waiter brings you
something and it's it's not the way you
ordered it and being able to have a
conversation with the waiter that this
isn't what you wanted or if you're
getting bad customer service and you're
unable to identify hey this is bad
customer service like I need to speak to
your manager I need to step up and and
get taken care of but you don't want to
deal with that conflict or even in a
relationship when something's not going
your way you're not getting your needs
met you feel like you're being taken
advantage of you would rather avoid that
conflict instead of actually going into
that conflict but the problem is is that
after years and years or even decades of
doing this and
potentially your father was a nice guy
often if you are a nice guy often your
father was a nice guy as well and so you
have this cycle in this history of being
a nice guy and because you avoid
conflict in confrontations you haven't
learned how to effectively handle and
deal with those difficult emotions and
situations and because you don't know
how you're gonna continue this cycle on
this pattern of being a nice guy so that
you don't have to experience those
challenges and so fulfilling the needs
of others becomes this magic formula for
getting your own approval and avoiding
conflict and confrontation with other
people and it becomes this vicious cycle
but it just doesn't work your identity
is revolved around this niceness it's
the more nice I am to people and the
more that I put others first before
myself the more that they'll like me but
the truth is is that they don't like you
when you don't respect yourself when you
don't love yourself when you don't
actually put your needs first sometimes
people don't respect you and often the
case if you're going the from breakup
after a breakup and with women it's the
nice guy the nice guy is one of the
fastest ways to ensure that you're gonna
have an unhappy relationship with a
woman and even other masked strong
masculine men you see the nice guy is
really driven by his fears at the core
of a nice guy is this deep-rooted
negative emotion it's fear of rejection
conflict abandonment criticism judgment
by others if I am nice then I protect
myself from these things how can they do
these negative things to me when I'm so
nice when I do so much for them and by
being so invested in your nice guy
mentality then you don't allow yourself
to feel these negative emotions and most
importantly express these negative
emotions in a constructive way with
other people and when you don't do this
people walk all over you because you're
nice they begin to take advantage of you
they begin to lose respect for you you
see your level of respect that you get
from other people is proportional to the
level of respect that you have you see
the more that you identify with your
niceness instead of being real real
meaning that you have full
self-expression that if something's
going wrong in a relationship or in a
situation that you're able to call it
out obvious
in a respectful way with empathy and
considering the other person's point of
view but when you do this people respect
you and they know you're setting clear
boundaries about where where what you
want and what you don't want in a
relationship or what you're willing to
take and not take in a relationship you
see the more that you identify with
being nice instead of being real the
more that you will find yourself plagued
by doubts insecurities and your own
fears and by being real I mean full
self-expression I mean being authentic I
mean being honest where your thoughts
words and actions are all aligned where
if something's going wrong in a
relationship for example that you're
able to call it out
not in an asshole dick type of way but
you're able to call it out and
acknowledge that hey this isn't this
isn't working here in some in a way that
is respectful in a way that shows
empathy and in a way that is considering
of the other person's point of view if
you cannot express your negative
emotions with other people then it is
not an authentic real relationship
by trying to avoid the realness by
trying to avoid these negative emotions
and conflicts and confrontations you
actually destroy the relationship
because that's not a real relationship
if you're always pleasing if they're
allowed to do anything they want and
you're just letting them walk over you
you might as well walk around and look
at people and say hey do you want me to
lay down over this puddle and and you're
just a doormat to people that is what
the nice guy is and that's how people
view the nice guy but the problem the
nice guy has is that he doesn't see it
that way
he sees it the other way where it's hey
I'm doing all this I mean I'm letting
you do this I do this I make all these
sacrifices and why are you treating me
like well that's what the nice guy
doesn't understand it's because you're
letting this person treat you like
why are you doing that why are you
letting people treat you like you
absolutely deserve the highest respect
the person that you need the most
respect from is yourself yourself
yourself not other people not your
friends not your family not society but
yourself and you don't get validation
from other people you get validation
from yourself you see what the nice guy
doesn't understand is that it's actually
healthy that it's actually attractive
that it's actually sexy
to be a human with a wide array of
emotions both negative and positive that
it's okay that you're angry it's okay to
show that you're not happy with the way
this is going that you're sad that
you're upset with this person's
performance or this person's at work but
this you're inside of a relationship the
person who's treating you wrong or did
something that you didn't like and also
to be happy and to be positive and also
be nice at times I'm not saying that you
have to be this dick it's not black or
white where the the nice guy will often
think well if I can't be nice and do
things for others then I have to be this
asshole have to be this dick have to be
this jerk it's not black and white like
that okay and I'm not saying that you
have to stop the giving nature that you
have there's nothing wrong with wanting
to help people but when you're doing it
in the in a way where it's hey if I do
this then you better like me it's coming
off in a manipulative type of way you
want to be able to do things because you
want to do things and expect nothing in
return
that is the best type of giving in any
type of relationship personally
professionally intimately if you're
unable to express your negative emotions
like you're feeling sad you're unhappy
or angry you're disappointed any of
these negative emotions if you're not
able to express those and even the
positive ones but if you're not able to
express the negative ones which are much
harder for the nice guy then there's
little chance for success
and in that relationship over the long
run let's say you have a lot of money in
you're a nice guy then let's say that
this might actually the relationship can
last and last but it's gonna be missing
a core component of what makes a real
relationship a real relationship and so
maybe the girl will stay with you
because you have money but eventually a
divorce or a breakup is bound to happen
if you're not able to step up and get
your needs met and understanding that
when I get my needs met she actually
likes that she's actually respecting me
if you don't have respect in any
relationship personally intimately
you're really in professionally if
there's no respect then there's no
relationship and especially for a woman
if there's no respect there's no
attraction there is absolutely no
attraction in fact she's actually scared
of you and wants to run away from you
if there's if there's no respect and you
are trying to do these nice things to
please her please please please I'm
cutting the I'm needy I need you without
you I'm nothing I don't know who I am I
have no respect for myself who wants
that who wants to be around that know
what no one wants to be around that
would you want that person in a foxhole
with you if you're in war this this
needy person this who likes me I need
someone to like me no you want a strong
grounded confident man who validates
himself from within and doesn't need the
validation from others of course it's
okay to have it but you don't need it
you don't need it in order to be happy
you don't identify yourself with based
on if people like me so conflict
avoidance is not an ingredient of a
successful thriving happy relationship
okay what it's it's actually a symptom
or an ingredient of an unhappy
unsuccessful dysfunctional relationship
so it's much better for the nice guy to
acknowledge the negative emotions and
the conflict that's that's all that he
can see on the onset and to deal with
them effectively with respect with
empathy and considering the other
person's point of view so not being a
dick or an asshole but acknowledging
that this is something that is not
working and if you deny this if you deny
that you are a nice guy you deny that
you have anger or resentment to another
person then you may find yourself
feeling very anxious unhappy and even
depressed and even if you're not
acknowledging like letting these
negative emotions out and sharing with
others like hey like this this needs to
be done like hey this isn't working for
me hey I'm really upset about this like
this actually frustrates me when you do
this I'm like what can we do here then
this can if you just let all of this
stay inside of you this is very
unhealthy not just in your relationships
but for your own health like it can come
up in the form of chronic unexplained
pain in your body chronic migraines
chronic headaches back pain alcohol
abuse drug abuse eating disorders
inability to get a full night's sleep
and so all of these have major health
consequences as a result of the nice guy
and his inability to get his needs
and to avoid conflict and wanting the
validation of other people so unless you
stop this this really dangerous
unhealthy cycle of being a nice guy and
putting others at the expense of
yourself you will eventually get
extremely exhausted and you'll actually
actually start to resent these people
and have a lot of built-up anger for
these people because you're doing so
much for them but you don't feel like
they're reciprocating or acknowledging
or even understanding what you did for
them it's not coming back to you and you
start to actually feel isolated you
start to feel alone and so that's why I
mentioned that nice guys typically will
go from divorce to divorce to breakup to
breakup and and struggle with
relationships and and most likely
surround themselves with very few men
and if there are other men there they're
often nice guys as well but they often
will push away because of their nice guy
attitude strong masculine confident men
and so in summary being nice is really
like think of it like psychological
armor where you're nice therefore you
know no one should be mean to me
everyone should like me hey I'm nice
like why would you not like me I'm the
nice guy I'll do anything for you
I'll give you all my money I'll do
everything I'll make you happy the nice
guy believes that by being nice he'll
gain love acceptance and affection and
he believes that this will protect him
from anger conflict resentment rejection
criticism other people's opinions
judging him and and and the problem is
is that if a problem does happen and
someone doesn't like him or approve of
him and it doesn't like this he thinks
the nice guy thinks it's because that he
wasn't nice enough and that he needs to
be nicer and he's gonna try and give
even more thus even just driving that
relationship to the ground and so for
the exercise for this video what we're
gonna do is I want you to think of your
most recent breakup okay and if you have
multiple breakups you can think of these
as well but I want you to think of your
most recent breakup or even divorce and
I want you to ask this question was I
being a nice guy in this relationship
okay one
getting my needs met in this
relationship because often the case was
is that we put the other person's needs
over our own therefore she started to
lose respect for us started to take us
for granted started to lose that respect
and and then therefore losing that
attraction and not really taking you
seriously and when all of these things
start happening attraction is just not
there and that relationships going
downhill but I want you to really
contemplate and think about that because
breakups are very tough for us as men
and oftentimes we think it's because we
didn't give enough oftentimes we think
it's like we didn't we weren't there
enough we didn't do more like we should
have done more for them when in reality
if we don't identify that and stop that
it's gonna happen again it's gonna
happen in the next relationship it might
happen in your existing a relationship
before anyone right now or if you're
struggling in the dating life so I want
you to think about that the nice guy
wants to give more but in reality it's
not about giving more as if you did
something wrong but that you didn't
respect yourself enough in that
relationship and that you meet you
didn't love yourself enough in that
relationship and when those things
aren't there then why is she gonna love
you ultimately if you don't respect
yourself why is she gonna respect you
it's tough it's a tough topic and you
know the nice guy thing like I said it's
typically our fathers were nice guys and
it's also not their fault and maybe
their fathers are nice guys as well
depending on on how on your age right
now but the the key point is that the
nice guy belief the nice guy attitude
was learned it was something that you
learned at an early age it's something
that you learned from others or it's
something that you learned to protect
yourself at a young age and anything
that's learned can be unlearned okay you
didn't you weren't born a nice guy you
were always born to to really to get
your needs met as well because that's
survival so just know that moving
forward
and we'll go through it in the next
video series here in the next mont in
the next sessions but you can get past
this and that you're not gonna be a nice
guy forever you can undo a lot of this
learning it's gonna take some time
it's not gonna be instantly but you can
move past it so let's really concentrate
and dive in into this topic because it's
critical before moving forward in in in
the other modules which is really about
creating that awesome more powerful epic
life for yourself and being that man
that you want to be so I'll see you guys
in the next session



.......................


hey guys in this session we're gonna be
talking about nice guy behaviors and how
to overcome them so as we know nice guy
behavior is manipulative nice guys
basically do everything they can to make
someone fall for them in an underhanded
type of way it makes every type of nice
guy act revolve around trying to get the
approval of other people and they do it
so much and it's been going on for so
many years and decades that it becomes
second nature and they aren't even
conscious of it and that's often why
nice guys are so confused about what's
wrong with being nice and to start off
with some of the nice guy behaviors
dishonesty nice guys usually aren't nice
for the sake of being nice they're not
giving value in the form of just giving
value because they want to it's giving
value in the form of we please like me
will you approve of me will you not do
anything mean to me will you please not
hurt me and then being a nice guy just
doesn't work the nice guy is doing
something in order to get something and
when he doesn't get it he gives more and
he gives more and he gives more it's
just this overflowing of attention of of
just trying to give to these people or
other people intimately professionally
or whatever in order for them to like
that person like the nice guy but it
just doesn't work and the problem is is
that everyone can see that you're a nice
guy everyone can see that this is just
wrong it's like why is he doing this
except a nice guy and so often is the
case with women or the the woman can see
the nice guy a mile away and as soon as
the nice guy really steps up his
niceness and is trying to just do more
and do more and as always there he's
always available he's neat he's trying
to get value all the time all the time
and is not actually respecting his own
needs or his own wants or himself then
the woman will easily just just very
quickly just start to protect herself
and just start to like this is someone I
need to stay away from this is creepy
this isn't what I want I don't feel safe
because she can sense this manipulative
type of behavior why aren't you
respecting yourself is what she's
thinking
why are you putting me up so high on a
pedestal I'm just a woman and so the
nice guy will often get confused and
think oh man I need
be this dick I need to be this jerk when
in reality it's not black and white the
elements of the jerk that are attractive
is that he's confident he's self-assured
he goes after what he wants he isn't so
filtered he's able to express himself
fully he's able to call her out when she
does something and that is what is more
attractive to a woman although the jerk
will often go to extremes which
eventually she'll end up leaving and
then ending up in another relationship
with a jerk but there are elements of
the jerk that are attractive and
arousing for the woman versus the nice
guy where there's there's no mystery she
knows exactly what this guy is gonna do
and he doesn't respect himself and he
doesn't call her out he doesn't say
things that he really wants to say he's
it's like he has a filter and it's like
nope I don't that will cause conflict
like nope that's that's not safe she
might not like me I want her approval I
better not say that and she's not able
to experience a wide array of emotions
and that's what women want is and that's
a part of the attraction is is a kind of
this up and down of different emotions
when she's around you and another
behavior about the nice guys he's very
passive he simply just doesn't stand up
for himself
and so a nice guy might hear this and
say oh so I'm supposed to be more
aggressive
well aggression actually might help the
nice guy in some sometimes but
ultimately what we want is to be more
assertive and so there's a difference
assertive is I would say getting is
stating your point and being confident
while respecting the other person's
point of view where aggression is a more
physical it's it's really just you're
getting you're getting what you need
done and you do not care about the other
person's feelings or expectations about
the other person at all and another
element of the nice guy is that he
describes himself as being nice and so
do others and if other people see you
that way what they really see is a man
who doesn't stand up for himself and if
you don't stand up for your values then
you don't stand for anything and what
what's happening here is that when
someone's they have a conversation with
you you're just always agreeing you know
you're not really stating your own value
your own opinions about what's on the
table here and because of that people
just walk over you it's like what's the
we of you being here you're just a green
oh yeah yeah that's right you're kind of
just like going up with him it's like
you you're kind of like a cheerleader
for other people like yeah yeah that's
right that's right and you're not
actually kind of opposing other people
not not to just oppose and meet us
negative Nancy everywhere you go but
there needs to be some fluid some some
negative and some positive it's okay to
stand up for what you believe in it's
what makes you you and if what you're
putting out there is just agreeing with
other people just supporting other
people just being nice not really saying
what you think then there's no substance
to you and if there's no substance
there's there's really no personality
and without any personality what is
there to like what value do you bring to
the table when you just cheer for other
people you're not actually bringing your
own unique thoughts of feelings opinions
and values out to the table and so
because of all this nice guys typically
end up in the friend zone because they
don't really add any Flair any spice any
sort of arousing emotions to women
they're just kind of like there for them
they're just just always nice to them
always wanting to to make them feel
better about themselves but never really
calling them out on their never
really being real never having authentic
honest conversations about what's really
going on nice guys are typically getting
friendzone because they play it safe you
know they're not actually stating their
real desires they're not actually taking
some risk in that relationship
potentially losing the relationship
because they have feelings for them not
actually expressing their emotions not
actually being vulnerable and sharing
what's really going on with women and
said they're just nice to them like and
they think because they're nice because
I'm nice because I'm nice because I buy
them some because I take them out
because I get the money all this stuff
that don't like me but the truth is is
that they'll just view you as a friend
well just view as a nice friend um but
really being a friend isn't really even
a good word for it
it's really just they're using you to
make them feel good about themselves
because a friend they actually respect
and so nice guys they don't actually
respect so it's even just it's it's
below being a friend when you're a nice
guy and the problem is is that men will
go through this like from women to women
to a woman not realizing like yo
you are being too nice to this girl and
you're not standing up for yourself your
own values not even expressing yourself
you're not stating like what you really
want to say you're not expressing your
own desires you're not you're afraid of
conflict you're afraid of rejection so
if you're nice you feel like how could
she reject me how could she not like
this and be nice but that that doesn't
work that doesn't work with women that
doesn't work with intimate relationships
and that doesn't even work with other
men no one wants to be around
something's just always nice the nice
guy is usually just the guy that people
take advantage of they use they only
call him or or want them when they need
something but not actually wanting to be
with that person just to be with that
person nice guys will typically support
their nice guy beliefs and attitudes
with popular culture like movies or
books or TV shows where the nice guy did
win or the nice guy was the hero and
that stuff is fake nice guys are
typically portrayed as being this kind
of romantic type of figure it's like who
eventually he gets her at the end the
media loves nice guys because it really
tugs on the emotions of a lot of men and
creates really good drama and women
women know who the nice guys are the
women have a lot of nice guys in their
life people who buy them things before
what was there people who who are never
edgy and and and that's the difference
between the nice guy and let's just say
the gentleman cuz you know we're not I'm
not talking about being the jerk here
but the gentleman just it can be a
little bit more edgier he can say things
that he really wants to say he can he
can really stand up for himself his
values and he isn't afraid to walk away
from that relationship he isn't afraid
to say hey this this is not getting my
needs met here hey this is being
disrespectful to what I believe in my
values and he isn't afraid to walk away
the nice guy will stay there and get his
ass beat by women
emotionally and psychologically by being
in the friend zone for years and years
and years and often in the case where
he'll go on and do it with other women
and not understand why and so the
question comes if women don't like this
nice guy then why doesn't she say it why
doesn't she come out and just say hey
and say well the truth is is that it's
not her job okay it's
her job to tell you that you're a nice
guy it's not her job to make you a
stronger man it's not it's no ones that
would be victim thinking why didn't she
tell me why didn't she say this it's not
her job that's your job to step up
that's your job to really grow as a man
to get your needs met to get your values
across it's not her job
no one's going to make you a stronger
man but yourself so the fact that you're
watching this says a lot about how much
you want to grow and how far you are
going to grow so just know that it's no
one's job to stop me from being a nice
guy people will just let you do it
people will just let you do it for the
rest of your life you can die being a
nice guy struggling in relationships not
getting your needs met not really
becoming that strong man that you want
to be so just acknowledge that hey it's
up to me and no one else no one's gonna
do it for you and so how do we overcome
these nice-guy symptoms well it takes
time okay first of all it just takes
some time it's not gonna happen
overnight but it does take time and I
think that after watching some of these
videos you're starting to see well some
of these things that you're saying are
hitting me at my core maybe not
everything but some of them you're
hitting me at my core so you have to
realize the world doesn't owe you
women don't owe you anything because
you're nice to them just ingrain that
into your head is that because you're
nice no one owes you anything because
that you're not standing up for yourself
because you're just cheering other
people on they don't owe you that they
don't need anything so stop being this
passive aggressive type of doormat for
other people and start being more candid
about your own desires your own needs
and expressing yourself more
okay don't just be in your head that was
all kind of the whole let go of the
password in your head only shell do I do
but really being present coming back to
this present moment and expressing
yourself what are your thoughts what are
your opinions state them don't be this
quiet doormat get your needs met
that's normal that's respectful most
importantly when you do this it means
you're gonna have to take some rejection
you are gonna experience rejection but
in the process you're also going to
attract a lot of people to you because
the truth is you can't make everyone
like you but it's your job to express
yourself fully and stand up for your
beliefs and values and what you want in
the world and in that process the right
people will step forward and the wrong
people will move away but it's not your
job to be nice to try and get everyone
to step forward because when you're nice
everyone steps away don't chase women
don't chase other people stop chasing
okay be willing to walk away from
situations that don't serve you the nice
guy will never do that you want to grow
some spine you want to have more
backbone in your life then walk away
from situations that don't serve you be
willing to do that you don't have to
stay and get your ass beat up
emotionally psychologically even
physically because you're scared that
what's gonna happen oh my gosh can I do
it that's the nice guy if you want to
really step up in a bigger way then be
willing to walk away from the situations
and relationships that don't serve you
stop chasing people when it's just not
gonna happen if it's not working with a
woman it's just not gonna work if it's
not or you've been working with a man
where there's a friendship and you're
trying to build a relationship walk away
you know you're not gonna be friends
with every guy you know that but often
the case with women is what more guys
are interested in if it's not working
out let it be just walk away okay you
don't have to force things you don't
have to try and make it work how how can
it be more nice how can be more nice how
can I get more value how can I make her
like me so I'm not making her like you
okay just about you being you you
standing up for you you respecting you
you loving you and expressing yourself
and in that process attraction can spark
attraction can really spark and really
just understand that like your ability
to really grasp and have an awareness of
this nice guy and we're gonna go into
this in the other sessions ahead of us
but is proportional to your success in
relationships like it you know we all
know that relationships are a big part
of what makes us happy in our lives and
our ability to overcome it's
that passed this nice guy is
proportional to the level of
relationships that we're gonna have so
we have to be willing to be real okay we
can't hide behind this mask of niceness
this armor of niceness we have to be
real okay we have to be honest and and
the thing with that is we have to be
vulnerable and then the challenge would
being vulnerable is that when you're
vulnerable you can get hurt and nice
guys don't want to get hurt nice guys
want to protect themselves okay and they
got all this body armor of niceness it's
like I'm nice don't that don't hurt me
but but we we have to be willing to get
vulnerable and when you're real when
you're vulnerable when you're sharing
what's really going on when you're when
you're fully self expressed and in in
that process what this shows is you
respect yourself you respect yourself
enough to share with someone how you
really feel because you're trying to
grow a relationship you're trying to
improve something in in a real way and
you're sharing negative emotions that
are often scary to share because we want
to avoid those right and instead of
something that we could just have a
conversation with someone at where it
could take maybe ten minutes maybe 15
minutes it'll take us 10 years to say
that as a nice guy and and we live in it
for 10 years in a relationship with this
sort of resentment this sort of pain
sort of anger right because why aren't
they giving me what I need and said if
you just go have that conversation all
right and so the exercise for this
session is next time that you're in a
conversation with someone and you are
thinking like like oh my god I know I
shouldn't say this and you're like no I
shouldn't because it's not the safe
thing to say I want you to be more aware
of that and I want you to say it I want
you to take more risk in your
interactions with people because the
nice guy would never do that so this is
slowly starting to help you understand
like well I can actually say and I can
say what I want to say and and not doing
it in a way that is like you're like
this dick or this asshole but in a way
that is just you're expressing yourself
more fully and you're being more real
you're being honest you're being
authentic you're being vulnerable okay
so just
in your next interactions for the next
few days I want you to step be more
aware like hey no I actually think and
just stand up for something that you
believe in okay that's scary as hell for
the nice guy and if you're if you heard
this you're like oh I don't want to do
that then then this is gonna be good for
you but I want you to start developing
this and paying more attention to you
when you hold yourself back when you
actually have an emotion and you're or
you're thinking of something and you
want to say it but you don't say it I
want to give you that freedom to say it
what is it what is it that you want to
say and always do it in a respectful way
that shows empathy okay that is the key
is empathy and considering the other
person's point of view and so when you
do this it comes across as more
assertive all right so do this exercise
and I'll see you guys in the next
session




...........................


alright guys welcome to this session on
destroying nice guy patterns let's dive
in so being nice won't protect you from
unkind treatment from others and
thinking that it will will probably make
you feel guilty and responsible for
others treating you unfairly and above
all don't reward people who treat you
unfairly unkindly or disrespectfully by
acting nice and pretending that
everything's okay I mean if you
compromise your own needs your own
values and identity as a unique
individual for the price of being nice
it's just too high it's far better just
to communicate what you think how you
feel what's really going on and sharing
with others the truth not being afraid
of sharing your truth what the is
really going on so you're gonna want to
share you're gonna want to be open
you're gonna want to be honest you're
gonna want to be vulnerable you're gonna
want to be authentic this is what's
attractive rather than holding all of
these emotions inside of your chest your
belly and becoming anxious and depressed
and all other kinds of chronic issues
coming up in your life because you don't
want to not be nice you would rather
just be nice and hold it in and so as a
result of your good intentions trying to
be nice to others and do what's best for
others others around you suffer as well
why because you're suffering and when
you're suffering everyone can see it
no one you're not hiding anything and
when you constantly stress and exhaust
yourself by putting others needs before
your own you suffer and the thing here
is that you have to understand is that
when you're suffering other people are
suffering whether that be in your
relationship whether that be at work
whether that be your family your friends
etc everyone around you they see your
suffering you're not fooling anyone and
on the contrary here when you're giving
too much when you're doing too much good
for other people you're not willing to
stand up or do anything for yourself or
ask for anything or state your own truth
with others and express yourself fully
you actually become suspect people start
what's what's going on with this guy
to nice just doing it he's doing
something here it's it comes off they
can sense this manipulative vibe coming
from you and when your intentions are to
help them and be good in it you know
build this relationship whatever it is
it actually becomes suspect to the other
person when you don't respect and value
yourself and your own needs and your own
identity and so by allowing others to
repay your kindness that you've given
them by allowing them to kind of repay
the debt of value then it actually
balances out that relationship versus
issues I give everything I give I give I
give and not allowing sometimes the nice
guy just doesn't allow others to give
and even in the form of that giving
might be praised I'm not talking about
giving like a gift like it like a
Christmas present here with a bow on it
or a cake I'm just talking about giving
value and that give me in the form of
praise a lot of times nice guys just
can't handle praise when people are
lifting them up when people are saying
like hey man like thank you so much like
you're such an awesome guy you've done
so you've done you've got nice guys like
no no no honey no no not like not being
able to just own his worth like yeah no
I did that thank you
I really appreciate that so if you are
always putting others first and your
knees are on the sidelines your own
values are on the sidelines what you
stand for is on the sidelines but
everyone else everything else everyone
around you is first you're not taking
care of yourself and ultimately when
you're not taking care of yourself you
fail to be a stronger version of
yourself to take care of those around
you and so I want to make this clear
it's entirely possible to really be a
little selfish and get your needs met
and at the same time care for others
it's not black and white okay a lot of
the nice guy black and white all have to
be this dick okay no there's there's
it's entirely possible to look after
yourself and to also give to others so
it's important that you know it's not
always about giving Gary Vaynerchuk has
that book Jab Jab Jab right hook
so one way to really kind of use this
for the nice guy is to kind of give give
give ask okay
give give give ask so you're you're
still giving you're still helping but
you're also asking you're also asking
for things that you need things that you
want whether that's you know I'm not
talking about a gift here I'm talking
about just what you need in a relation
what you need in order to be successful
at work in your career from your boss
etc give give give ask and this will
really create a fine balance of where
you have a good giving nature but you're
also acting in your own self-interest
where you are trying to get what you
need as well and you're able you're able
to express yourself the nice guy
sometimes is just not able to express
what he needs in a relationship or in at
work or with friends just not able to
and it sometimes it even goes as far as
I even at a restaurant where a guy's
unable to ask for like an extra ranch
it's like oh no do you need anything no
no I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine but really
if he was at home he would absolutely go
get there and so that's even just a
smaller example and then a bigger
example can be in a relationship an
intimate relationship where you're not
able to ask or share what's really going
on and so I like to say and use the word
truth you're not able to share your
truth if you can't share your truth then
people don't know who the you are
they're confused and they're not able to
connect to you at your core when you
when you can't share and express your
truth speak your truth so your own needs
your own desires and wants are just as
important as everyone else's it's the
same what what this person wants and
what you want it's the same it's not
what they want is higher and then your
wants are down here there's a balance
okay it's all the same
you see you're really setting yourself
up for failure in any relationship if
you're not expressing your truth if
you're not expressing what you need in a
relationship if you're not expressing
what you value for not expressing what
you need in order to be happy in order
to get what you want and vice versa they
should also do that and you should also
respond well to that so it's not just
you like hey these are my rules this is
my my clipboard my scroll here in my
sheet of everything I need in a
relationship well also they have one too
and you should respect what they have
but not being able to voice anything out
is going to be a surefire way for a
relationship to fail either in the
short-term or really have a frustrating
relationship and then in the long term
and then of
fallout so you've got to teach the
people that you love the people closest
to you that you do have needs you know
you're not just this punching bag
emotional psychological punching bag
that can just take take everything and
then and then just give everything to
others when they ask but that you also
have your own needs and you need to
teach them that by really sharing your
truth from the get-go
and if this person wants to have a
relationship with you then it is also
their responsibility to fulfill or at
least acknowledge and respect your own
values and needs so do you prove your
worth by how much you do does your sense
of self-worth and identity depend on how
much you do for others I'll just let you
think about that what is it what is it
for you are you enough and so going into
this other challenge of the nice guy is
his inability to say no inability to say
no when someone asked him for something
he's quick to say yeah yeah I'll do it
yeah yeah yeah I can get it done I can
get done oh I can do that too oh yeah
yeah yeah beer I'll be over there this
weekend yeah I can do that like anytime
you ask or something yeah yeah I can
take off work and I'll help you yeah
yeah okay yeah I'll pick you up I'll
pick you up oh you need help okay I'll
be there I'll be there so what happens
is he says yes to everyone so he's doing
all these things for other people but
not taking care of his own needs he's
not doing what he needs to do in his own
life he's just hoping others and his
inability to say no or even let's say
delegate things or tasks or various
things that he that need to be done
because he's afraid to ask others for a
favor
it really is an attribute of the nice
guy inability to delegate inability to
say no and being okay with no not having
to be apologetic when he say no when you
really shouldn't be apologetic so we'll
go into that and one of the reasons why
the nice guy doesn't say no or delegate
is because he thinks it's gonna cause
conflict because if he says no he's
afraid of the conflict so he would
rather just do the chore or do the
activity exercise whatever this person
needs help with who'd rather just do
that rather than handle this
conversation this
of conflicting argument of you know you
don't really want to do it but I don't
want to go through this argument so yeah
okay I'll do it
not really stating your truth not really
respecting your own time and so the nice
guy will do this over and over for years
and maybe decades he'd rather just do
the whatever the person wants rather
than say no or delegate it to someone
else because he's trained himself to do
that so he's made this word no or asking
someone to delegate he's really
empowered it to a level where it's
associated with some sort of negative
energy or like if I say no oh like
something's gonna happen here I better
just stay away from that okay and and so
the word no to him just means okay
something's gonna happen here and I need
to protect myself so I'm just gonna say
yes I'm just gonna abide I'm just gonna
be almost as if you're a slave to other
people because you're not taking care of
yourself or you're not taking care of
yourself you don't have your own freedom
you don't have your own freedom as a man
at the core of every man we want our
freedom okay and so the nice guy might
be thinking okay so now I have to say no
to everyone you might be again black and
white thinking no I'm just saying that
in the moments where you want to say no
I need you to be able to say no okay
maybe if someone you know going through
a month if people ask you for ten things
maybe half of that time you absolutely
should not have done it but you did it
anyways and so those five times you
should have said no you should have
stood up for yourself you should have
been assertive and stood up for yourself
but you didn't so I'm not saying have to
say no to everyone from here on out and
you can't do good things for other
people but if you legitimately don't
want to do something and at your core
you don't and your truth is no I I want
to do this like I genuinely have worked
really hard this week like I want this
day off I don't want to do this you need
to be able to say no and stand up for
yourself that's what I'm asking for
otherwise you're just gonna exhaust
yourself you're gonna spread yourself
too thin you're not gonna take care of
you people are actually gonna respect
you less when you say yes to everything
that they ask for you actually gain
respect when you speak your truth
whatever that is that's when people can
connect with you because that's when
you're most human and that's what people
want is they want to connect with humans
not people pleasers not
nice guys so you need to be able to say
no to some of the people some of the
time in order to give your time to the
people who matter most in your life and
that's gonna include yourself so your
value does not diminish when you say no
to people in fact it'll enhance it
because you're doing what you need to do
for you and there's nothing wrong with
that
you don't need everyone's approval okay
and getting their approval isn't done in
fact by saying yes and doing things for
other people okay you gain approval by
speaking your truth by you being the
strongest version of yourself by you
going in the direction that you want to
go in you see
really nobody gets approval all the time
from everybody and that's why it's
addictive it is an addictive nature to
want approval from other people it's oh
damn they don't like me damn it damn it
how can I get them to like me why don't
I do something for them why don't I say
yes to them as soon as they ask me I'll
say yes the truth is is that you can't
get everyone's approval no matter what
you do and so there's no point in trying
all that you can do is be you all that
you can do is go after and go on your
purpose go on go on your journey go on
your adventure and do your thing that's
all that you can do and so living to the
expectations of other people is no way
to live
no way to live that's called slavery
living up to other people's expectations
always trying to fulfill their own needs
and desires and this could be just
societies there could be your parents
but the only persons approval that you
need in the world is your own give it to
yourself you are the most important
person here you you and that is it self
fulfillment freedom and happiness is
going to be found from yourself it's not
going to be found from the expectations
opinions or approval of other people
this is the core root problem of the
nice guy understand that it is you you
were the only person whose acceptance
and love that you need so curing the
nice guy pattern does not mean that you
have to sacrifice and eliminate you're
giving nature that is you that is who
you are you like to give but it does
mean
eliminating the compulsion the desire
the yearning of approval of other people
alright so big topic and an exercise
that I want for you is moving forward
for the next week when people ask you
for things and you don't want to do them
I want you to say no I want you to say
no and when you say no you don't have to
have an excuse you don't have to have a
reason you don't need a you need to make
some third party thing or have some some
Creole I have some other excuse to why
you can't do something you don't need to
explain it now someone asked you like
hey um we're going to a barbecue this
weekend do you want to come and you
genuinely don't there's something else
you got going on you don't need to say
like oh no I have I have to visit my mom
she's sick
you can just say hey no I've got some
things going on hey thanks for the
invitation right got some things going
on this weekend and so number one is
just being okay with saying no not and
then number two is not having to have
some elaborate excuse like no you're
know is all you need okay and number
three is not being apologetic why are
you apologizing
this like you've got a life too it's not
you know it's not your fault that you
have a life and that you have things
going on just because someone's asking
you to do something or if you can come
to this thing or whatever it is or do a
favor you don't need to be apologetic
like you don't need to say sorry that's
a word that I want you to move away from
and the reason why I don't want you
saying sorry is because when you say
sorry you're admitting fault you're
admitting that you did something wrong
because that's what sorry is it's like
hey I did something wrong I'm at fault I
didn't mean to like I'm sorry so it's
not about being apologetic you don't
need to be sorry unless you did do
something wrong then you should be sorry
but if someone's just asking you to be
somewhere and do a favor you don't need
to be sorry like you have your own life
too you can just be upfront and be
direct and be clear and if the person
continues to persist saying like hey
come on man like you know I really need
your help just repeat yourself it's kind
of like the broken record technique just
repeat that one sentence you don't need
to keep talking into
walking and talking and talking and
talking just repeat yourself just repeat
what you said so that you can value
yourself your own time and your own
needs so I'm not saying that you have to
say no to everyone now I'm just saying
going through the rest of your week
there's probably gonna be some things
that you just don't want to do and I
want you to practice just saying no no I
can't do this no I can't make it to that
event no I'm not gonna be there this
weekend be okay with saying no and so
sometimes when someone's asking you for
something you say yes because you just
don't know what else to say
you'd rather not say no you don't you
want to avoid the conflict so what you
can do especially for big big nice guys
who've been doing this for decades is
just I call it like just buy yourself
some more time be like hey you know I'm
not sure what I'm doing this weekend but
let me get back to you hey I might have
something going on this weekend let me
double check and I'll get back to you
tomorrow first thing
and so you have to have integrity you
have to follow up and get back to them
and have an answer but sometimes the
nice guy just needs a little bit more
time to think about stuff sometimes he
just isn't like if it's been a big
problem he needs more time and so it's
gonna be hard at first or someone is to
say no that's gonna be tough so practice
just by giving yourself more time the
whole goal of this is that I don't want
you to say yes when you really wanted to
say no that's the whole goal of this
it's really important that you can stand
up for yourself and this is gonna be
really hard for some of you this will be
really hard you've been doing this for
so long that it's really a part of
yourself and and you you're probably
having a lot of questions you're
probably really frustrated with this you
probably don't like it you say no I want
to be giving oh I'm a good person I want
to be nice and help others okay and so I
understand that so if you are having
some challenges with us I want you to go
to the private Facebook group and I want
you to share your comments I want you to
share your thoughts I want you to share
an experience that you had where you did
practice this and so for everyone I want
you to share an experience where you did
say no and how that went and how that
made you feel when you valued yourself
and also addressing like how did the
other person react because more
often the not they're just gonna respect
your desires like okay they respect you
it's not like you just lost a friend
because you had to take care of yourself
you have something else going on
breaking out of this nice guy pleasing
attitude does not require that you say
no to everyone the purpose of this is to
become more deliberate and intentional
about your responses so you it's
speaking your truth you're speaking
exactly what you want to what you need
and you're making sure that you're
taking care of yourself first before
you're taking care of others and so it
teaches you to think through your
options it teaches you to give yourself
more time if you need it and it teaches
you to stand up for yourself and be more
assertive
all right so share with all the guys in
the private Facebook group how this
exercise went and I'll see you guys in
the next session


........................



hey guys in this session we're gonna
stop being nice and learn how to stand
up for ourselves so we're gonna deep
dive in with this you don't need to
solve other people's problems it is not
your responsibility don't rob people the
lessons that they'll learn from solving
their own problems
they don't actually learn other people
don't learn and we don't learn until we
solve it ourselves so I want you to
practice detachment of trying to solve
other people's challenges in life we
know so much we read so much all this up
unless someone's necessarily like asking
you for help like they're like
legitimately like hey I need your help
like help me I have a question for you
like if they're asking you for that help
then of course you're gonna want to just
respond with what you know but to if
someone if you notice there's a
challenge if you notice someone's going
through something and you're just trying
to solve their problems and taking on
their problems as your own you're
robbing them you're robbing them of the
lessons that they'll learn from learning
how to solve their own problems
so practice detachment from their
problem not from that person but from
trying to solve their problems for them
and instead express empathy express that
you understand what they're going
through show feelings show emotion for
the situation that they're in and that
you're there for them ask them critical
questions on how they can look at this
problem differently how they can have a
new perspective how they can open up and
see something that maybe they didn't see
before but not by explicitly telling
them this is what you need to do this is
this is how you solve your problem
instead empower them to be able to solve
their own problems maybe providing a
little bit of information based on
what's happened for you like hey I was
in a similar situation roll 18 showing
empathy connecting rapport building and
this is something that happened for me
and you know it can I offer it to you
yeah okay well I went through a similar
situation and this is what I did to
solve that so kind of just giving them
gentle nudges toward making the decision
that's gonna help them grow help them
become stronger help them become wiser
and move past this challenge there
it's just a part of that giving nature
of the nice guy wanting to be there
wanting to solve other people's problems
just understand that it's not up to you
it's not your responsibility to help
other people grow past their problems
and grow past their challenges you you
don't have to be the person who's gonna
save everyone okay
I've learned this the hard way from you
know I've read obviously so much and I
interview all these people and I'm on my
journey of course and sometimes I'm just
so quick to want to help others and just
oh like this is what I would do to
survive and do I find that when you're
doing this it comes off just a little
too aggressive it comes off like you're
just trying too hard to help this person
to give too much to this person they
didn't ask if someone asks you
explicitly what should I do
then that's opening the doors and it's
giving way for them to listen and
actually be present with you and
actually listen to what you're going to
say so just understanding that it's not
your responsibility to solve everyone's
problems out there if someone of course
asked you for help then okay help them
you know if you can like show them
what's worked for you kind of ask them
questions that let that point them in a
new direction that might help them but
you don't have to get in there and solve
someone's problems it's it's not your
responsibility of course there are times
when you want to there are times when
you you probably should but just know
the difference between feeling like you
have to in order to gain this person's
approval but just understand that it's
not your responsibility to solve
everyone's problems you have to look
after yourself and when you're trying to
solve everyone's problems out there
you're spreading yourself too thin so
I'm not saying again that you can't have
a giving nature and want to help others
but just know that you you're not
obligated to help everyone just because
they have a problem it's not your job
role to save their life you have your
own responsibility of looking after
yourself your own values your own needs
and solving your own problems in life so
I have a few kind of declarations
for you as someone who's really trying
to work on this area of their life and
so number one is you have the right to
choose okay and so what that means is if
someone's asking you for something or if
someone's presenting something on the
table you have the right to choose there
is an option for you you have the right
to choose what's best for you
you have that right you don't have to
let other people choose what you're
gonna do or what you should do you have
a right to choose an option that's best
for you number two is you have the right
to offer no reasons no excuses to
justify your behavior you don't have to
explain yourself to people just by
stating what you want to say is enough
you don't have to have this excuse you
don't have to do things too you don't
have to justify your behavior if you
made a mistake then own up to it but if
you want to make a decision you can make
that decision and feel the freedom of
not having to explain why you're doing
this you don't need to put people on a
pedestal and have to explain yourself to
them okay you don't have to look up to
other people as if like you are the one
I have to explain why I'm doing this you
are enough you can state what you want
to say and you can have an excuse and
not have to justify your own behaviors
you have the right to change your mind
if you did commit to something and you
feel that it's no longer working for you
or it's no longer serving you or maybe
you weren't up to speed you didn't have
all the information and you felt like it
was a bad decision you have the right to
change your mind you're human and humans
make mistakes and so you can own up to
that
but don't feel like just because you've
committed to something that you have to
stay in it you have to be able to if you
feel like you need to get out of
something you need to be able to stand
up for yourself and invoice and express
what's going on for you and express your
truth so you have the right to change
your mind there is nothing wrong with
that if I want to change my mind it's
healthy it means that hey I've come up
with a new solution I've come up with a
new idea I'm looking at this from a
different point of view now means you're
growing it means that you're learning it
means that hey what what happened over
here this decision that I made isn't
working for me anymore and you need to
be able to express that and know that
it's okay there's nothing wrong with
that and moving on you have the right to
make mistakes
you're human okay so if you make a
mistake all you have to do is own up to
it but you're not this perfect creature
and there's nothing wrong with that you
have the right to make a mistake and you
don't need to bang your head against the
wall when you make a mistake you're just
gonna learn from it and move on
additionally you have the right to say I
don't know you don't have to know
everything you don't have to have an
answer to everything
it's not your job to come up with oh I
have to say something he's asking me for
something I better have something smart
to say I better have something
intelligent to say it's kind of almost
putting someone on a pedestal if you
don't know what to say you don't know if
you don't have an answer you don't know
and and that's that that's that's as far
as you got it's that's all that you've
got and it's okay to not know and on
from that you have the right to say I
don't understand if someone says
something and you didn't get it that
would almost be scared being to be able
to say hey hey I didn't get that can you
say that again you know usually when
anything in a group or an audience when
one person says that it was like there's
like half the room also didn't get it -
it wasn't just you and so so many people
will just go up whatever you know I
don't want to raise my hand like I don't
want to ask this person like I didn't
get it I'll just let that slide I don't
know
What did he say I'm just saying
beginning in my head right now know if
you didn't get it if you didn't
understand you have the right to say hey
I didn't understand that and there's
nothing there's not like lower level
thinking asking questions is good and so
if you don't understand it's fine it's
not like you're lower it's off-putting
you know if you just let it let it slide
that's like why didn't you say something
why don't you stand up for yourself why
didn't you do something for you and you
also have the right to say I don't care
if if someone's talking about like
politics or this news or just something
like it's not your job to sit there and
stay engaged in that conversation it's
not your job
hey men I really don't care about this
topic hey I really don't care about this
subject there's nothing wrong with
saying that like hey I saw this topics
not for me like I really just don't care
that there's there's nothing wrong with
that you don't have to sit in a
conversation or sit with someone that is
providing you know it's just you're not
it's not for you you have the right to
interrupt and respectfully and showing
empathy like hey you know I just this
really isn't for me can we talk about
something I was like hey or just change
the subject and ask another question and
just take a lead role but you have the
right to say man like I don't care you
don't have to just like what other
people
like you have the right to not care me
personally I don't care about sports
anymore
I used to be a big sports head growing
up and then I just found out that after
about 20 years it's like this
same thing it's the same thing every
time and as much as I love sports
athletes and training and the gym it's
like damn it is like the same thing and
you know maybe that's because I'm from
San Diego and the sports teams here are
very you know not not doing ever too
good ever in their history of sports
pretty much but um but for me like I
don't care and so let's talk to me about
sports like when ESPN's on SportsCenter
I don't care like I really don't care
it's like one of the worst things most
boring things for me to watch and I'm I
think it's just a waste of time you know
it doesn't it's just taking up your time
your valuable time but I don't care and
I own that and what is it that you don't
care about just own it because that's
standing up for you time is finite we
can't waste it with people having these
conversations if we're at a party or at
a bar or whatever and someone's talking
about something that we are completely
don't care about you have the right to
say I don't care and if you don't then
you're not standing up for yourself okay
and always doing this respectfully this
doesn't mean a dick this is just getting
your needs met and making sure that
you're taking care of yourself so these
are some ways to just stand up for
yourself and knowing that it's actually
healthy for you and it's actually
healthy for the other person because
they know where you're at if you don't
say anything you don't express yourself
you don't speak your truth that no one
knows where you're at they don't know if
they're crossing boundaries or not
because you're not saying anything so if
you don't say anything then people will
just walk over you and the thing is is
they don't really know they're walking
over you you're allowing them to walk
over you so it's very important to be
able to stand up for yourself and get
your needs met and live up to your
values and speak your truth so an
exercise for this session is some
affirmations and so the exercise that I
have for you is to repeat these
affirmations for the next week okay so
here they are I am a strong and
confident communicator I am worthy and
deserving of respect and love I easily
express my desires opinions and thoughts
I feel safe and asking for what I want
and need I allow myself to receive from
others I have a right to say no and I
exercise this right when I need to I am
important and my thoughts are important
and my life is important I trust and
believe in myself I am comfortable
intense
difficult situations so I want you to
write down all of these affirmations and
just go in and repeat them if you didn't
get them but write them down and I want
you to repeat them each day for the next
week okay this is really about taking
care of that nice guy the nice guy does
not believe in these thoughts and so
some people have a big nice guy and some
people have a small nice guy so or even
most people are falling in between but
it's really important to value yourself
to respect yourself and know that you
are important and that your life is
important and that your time is
important it really is so practice these
affirmations and I'm gonna see you guys
in the next session


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