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- 1
- 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:22,000
- akumenang.com
- 2
- 00:00:56,806 --> 00:00:58,809
- They're fighting again!
- 3
- 00:01:04,897 --> 00:01:06,232
- Oh, boy.
- 4
- 00:01:07,358 --> 00:01:09,987
- Don't! Wait! Not my homework!
- 5
- 00:01:10,195 --> 00:01:11,613
- No! Stop it! No!
- 6
- 00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:13,323
- Problem, gentlemen?
- 7
- 00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:14,908
- Hey, dork-brain!
- 8
- 00:01:15,117 --> 00:01:18,329
- If you weren't a girl,
- I'd beat your face off.
- 9
- 00:01:18,538 --> 00:01:21,082
- If you weren't a girl,
- I'd beat your face off.
- 10
- 00:01:21,330 --> 00:01:22,623
- You're calling me a girl?
- 11
- 00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:24,125
- You called me one!
- 12
- 00:01:24,793 --> 00:01:25,919
- You asked for it.
- 13
- 00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:33,052
- Now get out of here!
- 14
- 00:01:38,641 --> 00:01:40,059
- Forget those guys.
- 15
- 00:01:40,266 --> 00:01:43,562
- They're jealous because you're
- smart and funny.
- 16
- 00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:45,773
- And girls like that.
- 17
- 00:01:45,981 --> 00:01:47,649
- What girls?
- 18
- 00:01:48,026 --> 00:01:49,610
- Lots of girls.
- 19
- 00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:52,822
- I mean... I like you.
- 20
- 00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:56,910
- I don't like you. Now everybody
- thinks I need a girl to fight for me.
- 21
- 00:01:57,118 --> 00:01:59,286
- You are a dork-brain.
- 22
- 00:02:03,708 --> 00:02:05,000
- My nose!
- 23
- 00:02:08,505 --> 00:02:09,464
- Wimp!
- 24
- 00:02:29,943 --> 00:02:31,778
- Moe and Larry in the house.
- 25
- 00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:36,323
- Grant, what have we got out back?
- 26
- 00:02:37,158 --> 00:02:38,409
- All clear, sir.
- 27
- 00:02:38,868 --> 00:02:40,370
- Matthews, what do you got?
- 28
- 00:02:41,538 --> 00:02:43,540
- Returnable cans, sir.
- 29
- 00:02:43,999 --> 00:02:45,835
- I'm up to 75 cents.
- 30
- 00:02:47,378 --> 00:02:48,754
- Hey, we got a cab.
- 31
- 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:52,215
- Here comes Curly.
- 32
- 00:03:13,695 --> 00:03:15,113
- The Three Stooges.
- 33
- 00:03:22,706 --> 00:03:24,915
- Check it out, Ivan's packing.
- 34
- 00:03:39,389 --> 00:03:41,808
- Thank you! We've got a briefcase.
- 35
- 00:03:42,016 --> 00:03:44,143
- Hart, waiting for visual confirmation.
- 36
- 00:03:44,394 --> 00:03:45,977
- No disc yet.
- 37
- 00:03:50,816 --> 00:03:52,402
- Suitcase is opening.
- 38
- 00:03:54,613 --> 00:03:56,448
- This woman's ass is in the way.
- 39
- 00:03:59,327 --> 00:04:03,289
- Hart, we can't see a damn thing.
- We need to see the discs.
- 40
- 00:04:05,247 --> 00:04:07,834
- - This broad's got two asses!
- - Do something!
- 41
- 00:04:08,251 --> 00:04:09,627
- Excuse me.
- 42
- 00:04:10,128 --> 00:04:11,713
- You wanting something else?
- 43
- 00:04:11,921 --> 00:04:15,467
- Yeah. You know what?
- I really love this borscht.
- 44
- 00:04:16,342 --> 00:04:18,303
- Or, as they say in Russian:
- 45
- 00:04:23,475 --> 00:04:25,269
- We got the discs.
- 46
- 00:04:25,477 --> 00:04:26,310
- We're moving in!
- 47
- 00:04:42,495 --> 00:04:44,245
- Get down!
- 48
- 00:04:46,581 --> 00:04:48,917
- Keep your hands where I can see them!
- 49
- 00:04:52,254 --> 00:04:53,255
- No English.
- 50
- 00:05:06,811 --> 00:05:10,273
- Nobody moves until I see
- some goddamn "Lazhitsa na pol"!
- 51
- 00:05:15,653 --> 00:05:17,278
- Sir, he's turning purple!
- 52
- 00:05:17,655 --> 00:05:20,074
- Hart, until we secure, you stay.
- 53
- 00:05:29,792 --> 00:05:32,670
- That is one really, really
- purple Russian, sir!
- 54
- 00:05:32,879 --> 00:05:35,340
- He's still armed! Nobody moves!
- 55
- 00:05:35,464 --> 00:05:37,550
- Hands up! Back off!
- 56
- 00:05:40,678 --> 00:05:42,178
- No, sir. He's not gonna die.
- 57
- 00:05:42,848 --> 00:05:44,598
- He's not good enough for that.
- 58
- 00:05:45,599 --> 00:05:49,980
- His victims didn't get a chance
- to choke on a peanut, did they, sir?
- 59
- 00:05:51,732 --> 00:05:53,149
- Now you're going down.
- 60
- 00:05:55,986 --> 00:05:58,739
- Drop the guns or I'll kill her.
- 61
- 00:05:59,739 --> 00:06:00,782
- Ivan, out the back.
- 62
- 00:06:01,032 --> 00:06:02,867
- You're not killing anyone.
- 63
- 00:06:33,314 --> 00:06:34,357
- Party's over!
- 64
- 00:06:40,323 --> 00:06:42,574
- How's your head, my little piroshki?
- 65
- 00:06:43,409 --> 00:06:45,994
- This is gonna put you away
- for a long time.
- 66
- 00:06:47,412 --> 00:06:49,414
- Let's get that ambulance in here!
- 67
- 00:06:51,084 --> 00:06:53,711
- - Shut up!
- - Stay with me!
- 68
- 00:06:53,878 --> 00:06:56,964
- - I'm sorry.
- - Don't be sorry. You did a great job!
- 69
- 00:07:12,063 --> 00:07:14,816
- Nice work. See you back there.
- 70
- 00:07:19,655 --> 00:07:22,447
- Come on, Hart. The van's waiting.
- 71
- 00:07:22,865 --> 00:07:25,910
- I got Grant shot.
- I shouldn't have moved.
- 72
- 00:07:26,077 --> 00:07:27,995
- Come on, you made a choice.
- 73
- 00:07:28,204 --> 00:07:30,998
- It was wrong, but that's it.
- It's over.
- 74
- 00:07:31,290 --> 00:07:34,127
- By the way, you look like hell.
- 75
- 00:09:37,294 --> 00:09:40,588
- - Morning, Mrs. Schwartz. Schnatzie.
- - Good morning, Gracie.
- 76
- 00:09:41,257 --> 00:09:42,465
- Hart.
- 77
- 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:43,926
- Yes, sir.
- 78
- 00:09:44,135 --> 00:09:46,386
- ETA, 20 minutes.
- 79
- 00:09:46,761 --> 00:09:49,138
- No problem. Breakdown?
- 80
- 00:09:50,431 --> 00:09:53,936
- Yes, sir. Negative.
- Do not need assistance.
- 81
- 00:09:54,478 --> 00:09:56,815
- Ten-four. Yes, sir, I know it's hot.
- 82
- 00:10:21,590 --> 00:10:23,464
- Hey, you cannot park--
- 83
- 00:10:27,721 --> 00:10:30,013
- It's an emergency. Official business.
- 84
- 00:10:30,180 --> 00:10:32,642
- Aside, please. Thank you.
- 85
- 00:10:32,851 --> 00:10:35,353
- Official business. Step aside.
- 86
- 00:10:35,561 --> 00:10:37,647
- Hey, get lost! I'm waiting here.
- 87
- 00:10:37,856 --> 00:10:39,941
- FBI. You might want
- to stay out of this.
- 88
- 00:10:40,149 --> 00:10:43,277
- Excuse me.
- Sir, ma'am, please back off.
- 89
- 00:10:44,278 --> 00:10:47,657
- All right. I need eight double-tall--
- 90
- 00:10:50,619 --> 00:10:52,996
- Eight double-tall lattes.
- One with no foam.
- 91
- 00:10:53,246 --> 00:10:55,874
- Five decaf lattes with a long straw.
- 92
- 00:10:56,082 --> 00:10:58,084
- Four caramel macchiattos.
- 93
- 00:10:58,209 --> 00:11:00,170
- Double up on the cup.
- 94
- 00:11:00,377 --> 00:11:03,505
- Two blueberry scones
- with the little granules on top...
- 95
- 00:11:03,715 --> 00:11:05,593
- ...and one Starbucks compilation CD.
- 96
- 00:11:07,052 --> 00:11:09,012
- No! I would like....
- 97
- 00:11:16,727 --> 00:11:19,313
- What's going on? Where's McDonald?
- 98
- 00:11:19,481 --> 00:11:21,900
- Could we put out an APB
- on my Frappuccino?
- 99
- 00:11:22,067 --> 00:11:25,487
- It's in the bag. Did he say anything
- about last night?
- 100
- 00:11:25,695 --> 00:11:29,200
- Relax. Don't annoy him.
- Don't say anything. Don't argue.
- 101
- 00:11:29,407 --> 00:11:32,161
- I don't argue. I never argue.
- When do I argue?
- 102
- 00:11:32,410 --> 00:11:35,372
- I might have a heated discussion
- with somebody.
- 103
- 00:11:35,580 --> 00:11:38,501
- Is this you not arguing?
- Because you suck at it.
- 104
- 00:11:38,708 --> 00:11:40,211
- Morning, everybody.
- 105
- 00:11:40,585 --> 00:11:42,545
- Morning, sir. It's....
- 106
- 00:11:43,547 --> 00:11:44,547
- Sir.
- 107
- 00:11:44,715 --> 00:11:46,216
- Okay, everybody.
- 108
- 00:11:46,717 --> 00:11:50,262
- I know you're all concerned
- about Grant's condition.
- 109
- 00:11:50,471 --> 00:11:52,639
- So I'm happy to report...
- 110
- 00:11:53,181 --> 00:11:56,769
- ...Jerry's gonna be fine. He'll be
- out of the hospital in two weeks.
- 111
- 00:11:56,977 --> 00:11:58,437
- He says he's expecting lots of gifts.
- 112
- 00:12:00,106 --> 00:12:01,858
- Okay, everybody.
- 113
- 00:12:02,525 --> 00:12:06,445
- So much for the good news. We got
- another letter from the Citizen.
- 114
- 00:12:07,071 --> 00:12:09,073
- Arson, explosives, poison...
- 115
- 00:12:09,281 --> 00:12:11,951
- ...this guy never works
- the same way twice.
- 116
- 00:12:13,618 --> 00:12:15,746
- The only thing we know for sure...
- 117
- 00:12:16,247 --> 00:12:19,249
- ...is, we get these letters full
- of incomprehensible riddles...
- 118
- 00:12:19,417 --> 00:12:21,920
- ...he strikes and suddenly
- the clues make sense.
- 119
- 00:12:22,837 --> 00:12:24,797
- This one is down in Intelligence.
- 120
- 00:12:25,005 --> 00:12:28,051
- Hopefully, we'll get a lead
- before somebody gets killed.
- 121
- 00:12:28,260 --> 00:12:29,427
- In the meantime...
- 122
- 00:12:29,677 --> 00:12:32,512
- ...Matthews, get a team together.
- 123
- 00:12:32,805 --> 00:12:35,600
- Sir, you want me to take point?
- 124
- 00:12:35,809 --> 00:12:37,893
- For five years you've wanted it.
- 125
- 00:12:38,145 --> 00:12:41,481
- Last night, you earned it.
- Pick your team.
- 126
- 00:12:41,690 --> 00:12:44,317
- I want preliminaries by 3.
- That's it.
- 127
- 00:12:45,569 --> 00:12:46,571
- Sir...?
- 128
- 00:12:50,156 --> 00:12:51,575
- Who's buying me lunch?
- 129
- 00:12:51,783 --> 00:12:55,120
- Sir, I would like to talk
- about what happened last night.
- 130
- 00:12:55,286 --> 00:12:56,955
- I didn't exactly follow orders--
- 131
- 00:12:57,163 --> 00:12:59,583
- "Exactly" follow orders?
- There's no such thing.
- 132
- 00:12:59,792 --> 00:13:01,753
- You follow orders or you don't.
- 133
- 00:13:01,919 --> 00:13:03,921
- No arguments, sir. None whatsoever.
- 134
- 00:13:04,129 --> 00:13:06,131
- Until the hearing,
- you're out of the field.
- 135
- 00:13:06,339 --> 00:13:08,549
- The hearing is totally warranted.
- 136
- 00:13:08,758 --> 00:13:11,344
- Wouldn't I be better
- on the Citizen case?
- 137
- 00:13:11,553 --> 00:13:14,014
- I have a background
- in profiling and decoding.
- 138
- 00:13:14,181 --> 00:13:15,432
- I could contribute.
- 139
- 00:13:15,682 --> 00:13:17,267
- Like you contributed last night?
- 140
- 00:13:17,517 --> 00:13:19,520
- By putting yourself
- and 5 agents in jeopardy?
- 141
- 00:13:19,729 --> 00:13:21,856
- I'll save the rest
- for the review board.
- 142
- 00:13:22,064 --> 00:13:25,317
- You will bury yourself
- under a mountain of paperwork.
- 143
- 00:13:25,525 --> 00:13:27,485
- Discussion is over.
- 144
- 00:13:45,420 --> 00:13:47,631
- Mike, give me a pint.
- 145
- 00:13:48,049 --> 00:13:49,217
- Rough day?
- 146
- 00:13:49,549 --> 00:13:51,052
- The worst.
- 147
- 00:13:51,259 --> 00:13:52,595
- Sure you want a whole one?
- 148
- 00:13:53,221 --> 00:13:55,933
- Yeah. Hit me bigtime, baby.
- 149
- 00:13:56,183 --> 00:14:00,770
- Hey, Einstein. If you figure out
- that Citizen letter, let me know.
- 150
- 00:14:02,854 --> 00:14:05,774
- Congratulations on the op.
- It's a big shot.
- 151
- 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:07,568
- Thanks.
- 152
- 00:14:08,028 --> 00:14:09,822
- How are you doing? You okay?
- 153
- 00:14:10,071 --> 00:14:11,405
- I'm good.
- 154
- 00:14:13,659 --> 00:14:15,077
- You're starting early today.
- 155
- 00:14:15,285 --> 00:14:18,079
- Yeah, I'm gonna get chip-faced.
- Want to join me?
- 156
- 00:14:18,412 --> 00:14:21,416
- I'd love to, but I have
- a pressing social engagement.
- 157
- 00:14:22,208 --> 00:14:23,167
- Beth!
- 158
- 00:14:23,751 --> 00:14:25,087
- Brownie meeting.
- 159
- 00:14:25,294 --> 00:14:27,129
- Mike, give me a beer and....
- 160
- 00:14:28,131 --> 00:14:29,591
- Milk. Give her milk.
- 161
- 00:14:30,050 --> 00:14:31,717
- White wine spritzer.
- 162
- 00:14:32,052 --> 00:14:34,428
- Are most of the people in here agents?
- 163
- 00:14:34,638 --> 00:14:37,723
- As a matter of fact, here's
- an agent. Gracie Hart.
- 164
- 00:14:37,933 --> 00:14:39,475
- Beth Carter.
- 165
- 00:14:41,269 --> 00:14:42,562
- Right back to you.
- 166
- 00:14:42,771 --> 00:14:46,399
- Beth is an undergrad at Vassar,
- doing a paper on law enforcement.
- 167
- 00:14:46,608 --> 00:14:48,444
- I'm helping her get an inside look.
- 168
- 00:14:48,694 --> 00:14:50,821
- I bet she'll do the same for you.
- 169
- 00:14:51,154 --> 00:14:54,283
- Gracie, I would love to get
- a woman's point of view.
- 170
- 00:14:54,490 --> 00:14:57,911
- You're barking up the wrong tree.
- Right, Hart?
- 171
- 00:14:59,288 --> 00:15:02,666
- Do all the women have to wear
- those really masculine shoes?
- 172
- 00:15:06,087 --> 00:15:09,631
- I get these made special by the guy
- that put the tattoo on my ass.
- 173
- 00:15:09,841 --> 00:15:12,634
- We'll leave you with Ben and Jerry.
- Catch you later.
- 174
- 00:15:12,842 --> 00:15:15,470
- - Nice meeting you.
- - You too.
- 175
- 00:15:17,806 --> 00:15:19,850
- Hope you have a good time at the mall.
- 176
- 00:15:20,101 --> 00:15:21,768
- Wohop is the place.
- 177
- 00:15:21,977 --> 00:15:25,315
- Wohop is good, but if you like
- variety, you go to La Chinita Linda.
- 178
- 00:15:25,522 --> 00:15:26,983
- Their rice and beans are slamming.
- 179
- 00:15:27,191 --> 00:15:29,860
- I don't want variety.
- I get pork fried rice every--
- 180
- 00:15:30,110 --> 00:15:33,323
- I figured it out! I tried to create
- a content-based pattern...
- 181
- 00:15:33,530 --> 00:15:34,823
- ...similar to his previous letters.
- 182
- 00:15:35,032 --> 00:15:36,910
- But this time, he used a signifier.
- 183
- 00:15:37,118 --> 00:15:39,411
- In this case, the word "miss"...
- 184
- 00:15:39,621 --> 00:15:43,250
- ...in the subsequent letters.
- Will you let me finish?
- 185
- 00:15:43,416 --> 00:15:45,418
- It's the Miss United States Pageant.
- 186
- 00:15:45,627 --> 00:15:48,462
- Yeah. Intelligence thought so too.
- 187
- 00:15:48,670 --> 00:15:50,088
- What do we got?
- 188
- 00:15:50,589 --> 00:15:53,759
- Miss United States from San Antonio,
- Texas, home of the Alamo.
- 189
- 00:15:53,968 --> 00:15:55,303
- I forgot the Alamo.
- 190
- 00:15:55,511 --> 00:15:58,682
- The pageant lasts three days.
- Preliminaries, conferences...
- 191
- 00:15:58,890 --> 00:16:01,769
- ...the live telecast.
- It's a logistical nightmare.
- 192
- 00:16:01,977 --> 00:16:03,311
- Not just a babe-fest.
- 193
- 00:16:04,020 --> 00:16:06,856
- Jesus, we've only got 48 hours.
- 194
- 00:16:07,189 --> 00:16:09,192
- Okay, gentlemen.
- 195
- 00:16:09,984 --> 00:16:11,444
- Where do we start?
- 196
- 00:16:17,283 --> 00:16:21,205
- You might want to call the network and
- pageant people. Set up a meeting.
- 197
- 00:16:23,414 --> 00:16:26,501
- Because you'll probably need
- their cooperation.
- 198
- 00:16:28,462 --> 00:16:30,673
- Yeah, I can do that. Let's do that.
- 199
- 00:16:30,922 --> 00:16:32,508
- What about jurisdiction?
- 200
- 00:16:32,841 --> 00:16:35,219
- The Citizen has been ours
- from the start.
- 201
- 00:16:35,427 --> 00:16:37,846
- You might want to call San Antonio.
- 202
- 00:16:38,055 --> 00:16:40,307
- Grease some wheels so they like us...
- 203
- 00:16:40,516 --> 00:16:42,016
- ...when we need manpower and tech.
- 204
- 00:16:42,225 --> 00:16:43,686
- While I'm at it, let's do that.
- 205
- 00:16:43,850 --> 00:16:44,852
- Good idea.
- 206
- 00:16:45,019 --> 00:16:47,981
- He loves to make a splash.
- His target will be public...
- 207
- 00:16:48,189 --> 00:16:50,984
- ...like one of these outdoor prelims
- or a TV broadcast.
- 208
- 00:16:51,151 --> 00:16:52,987
- Telecasters at the convention center.
- 209
- 00:16:53,195 --> 00:16:56,991
- We're gonna need surveillance
- on the interior perimeter.
- 210
- 00:16:57,158 --> 00:16:59,743
- We'll need more.
- There's a million places...
- 211
- 00:16:59,951 --> 00:17:03,580
- ...only these bikini-stuffers can go:
- backstage areas, hotel rooms....
- 212
- 00:17:03,788 --> 00:17:05,666
- We need to get somebody in there.
- 213
- 00:17:05,916 --> 00:17:08,044
- Yeah! Now I'm thinking...
- 214
- 00:17:08,919 --> 00:17:10,004
- ...undercover.
- 215
- 00:17:10,254 --> 00:17:11,715
- Good idea, boss.
- 216
- 00:17:11,922 --> 00:17:13,257
- I got just the girl.
- 217
- 00:17:18,387 --> 00:17:20,139
- That's nothing. Check this out.
- 218
- 00:17:20,347 --> 00:17:23,685
- Compliments of my daughter:
- the "Dress Up Sally" web site.
- 219
- 00:17:33,569 --> 00:17:35,280
- What did I tell you? Hot, right?
- 220
- 00:17:35,487 --> 00:17:36,488
- Yeah, baby.
- 221
- 00:17:37,156 --> 00:17:38,950
- You got a little problem.
- 222
- 00:17:39,158 --> 00:17:40,451
- She's perfect!
- 223
- 00:17:40,702 --> 00:17:41,910
- Look to the left.
- 224
- 00:17:43,955 --> 00:17:45,415
- Down... down....
- 225
- 00:17:46,374 --> 00:17:48,418
- - There you go.
- - "On maternity leave"?
- 226
- 00:17:48,626 --> 00:17:49,878
- That's not gonna work.
- 227
- 00:17:50,085 --> 00:17:52,757
- Not unless it's
- "The Miss Lamaze Pageant."
- 228
- 00:17:58,386 --> 00:18:00,472
- Can you do a search?
- 229
- 00:18:00,722 --> 00:18:03,559
- Female field agents under 35.
- 230
- 00:18:15,820 --> 00:18:16,988
- Jensen, Jensen!
- 231
- 00:18:28,668 --> 00:18:32,046
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!
- I got it, I got it!
- 232
- 00:18:42,973 --> 00:18:44,017
- Oh, no!
- 233
- 00:18:44,225 --> 00:18:45,518
- That's right, that's right!
- 234
- 00:18:49,271 --> 00:18:51,606
- You think that's good?
- Check this out.
- 235
- 00:18:51,857 --> 00:18:53,359
- I got the winner right here.
- 236
- 00:18:53,608 --> 00:18:54,527
- Scorekeepers ready?
- 237
- 00:19:00,534 --> 00:19:02,451
- This is the best part.
- 238
- 00:19:15,214 --> 00:19:16,632
- He's right behind me, isn't he?
- 239
- 00:19:16,841 --> 00:19:18,760
- Not really my color, is it?
- 240
- 00:19:19,928 --> 00:19:21,137
- Sir, we were just...
- 241
- 00:19:21,721 --> 00:19:24,474
- ...looking for someone
- to go undercover at the pageant.
- 242
- 00:19:25,558 --> 00:19:27,394
- And I'm the best we have.
- 243
- 00:19:27,602 --> 00:19:29,479
- It doesn't inspire much confidence.
- 244
- 00:19:30,354 --> 00:19:31,689
- Get back to work.
- 245
- 00:19:32,189 --> 00:19:35,861
- - Hart, shouldn't you be at a desk?
- - Yes, sir.
- 246
- 00:19:37,195 --> 00:19:39,906
- You don't say anything?
- Made me look like an idiot.
- 247
- 00:19:40,116 --> 00:19:42,741
- Do I have eyes in the back of my head?
- 248
- 00:19:42,993 --> 00:19:45,452
- - He was standing right behind me.
- - What were we gonna say?
- 249
- 00:19:45,619 --> 00:19:46,787
- - What?
- - This one.
- 250
- 00:19:47,789 --> 00:19:49,166
- Are you kidding? It's Hart.
- 251
- 00:19:49,374 --> 00:19:51,710
- Cut it off. Let's go back to work.
- 252
- 00:19:55,965 --> 00:19:57,007
- Very funny.
- 253
- 00:19:57,257 --> 00:19:58,758
- Hold on. That's not bad.
- 254
- 00:19:59,010 --> 00:20:03,597
- Hold on, nothing. Hit the save button
- because you won't see that again.
- 255
- 00:20:09,436 --> 00:20:11,646
- - What do you say?
- - No freaking way.
- 256
- 00:20:11,856 --> 00:20:12,982
- Why not?
- 257
- 00:20:13,191 --> 00:20:16,028
- I won't parade around in a swimsuit
- like some bimbo...
- 258
- 00:20:16,194 --> 00:20:20,031
- ...named Gracie Lou Freebush,
- and all she wants is world peace.
- 259
- 00:20:21,406 --> 00:20:22,782
- It wouldn't be like that.
- 260
- 00:20:22,992 --> 00:20:25,243
- You'd be on the undercover team.
- 261
- 00:20:25,494 --> 00:20:27,245
- Right. In a thong.
- 262
- 00:20:29,291 --> 00:20:30,917
- In a tasteful one-piece!
- 263
- 00:20:31,125 --> 00:20:33,585
- You do a few butt-shaping exercises...
- 264
- 00:20:33,837 --> 00:20:35,255
- ...you could pull this off.
- 265
- 00:20:35,420 --> 00:20:36,964
- You know what? Pull this off.
- 266
- 00:20:37,214 --> 00:20:38,925
- Is it because McDonald hates me?
- 267
- 00:20:39,049 --> 00:20:41,260
- Or is it, like, a woman thing?
- 268
- 00:20:44,096 --> 00:20:47,059
- Don't kid yourself.
- Nobody thinks of you that way.
- 269
- 00:20:51,854 --> 00:20:53,482
- He's punishing me, isn't he?
- 270
- 00:20:53,648 --> 00:20:56,025
- I had to beg him to let you do this.
- 271
- 00:20:56,274 --> 00:20:58,945
- That's right. Like it or not,
- you screwed up, pal.
- 272
- 00:20:59,153 --> 00:21:00,446
- Sit down, sit down.
- 273
- 00:21:07,746 --> 00:21:10,457
- I've never been in a beauty pageant.
- 274
- 00:21:10,623 --> 00:21:13,751
- I don't even own a dress.
- I don't even own a brush.
- 275
- 00:21:17,004 --> 00:21:19,715
- Which part of that
- is supposed to shock me?
- 276
- 00:21:28,810 --> 00:21:30,434
- Let's suspend reality for a second...
- 277
- 00:21:30,685 --> 00:21:32,103
- ...and pretend I said yes.
- 278
- 00:21:32,353 --> 00:21:34,314
- I got to do everything? Like...
- 279
- 00:21:34,606 --> 00:21:37,192
- ...the whole big hair
- and the makeup and--
- 280
- 00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:38,443
- Damn right.
- 281
- 00:21:38,694 --> 00:21:42,906
- The spinning, the twirling, the
- smiling, the cute little tap number.
- 282
- 00:21:44,409 --> 00:21:45,659
- Hundred bucks on Matthews.
- 283
- 00:21:46,243 --> 00:21:48,161
- I don't know. She's got rage.
- 284
- 00:21:50,748 --> 00:21:52,207
- I'll take that bet.
- 285
- 00:22:03,719 --> 00:22:05,471
- Yeah, baby.
- 286
- 00:22:07,180 --> 00:22:08,473
- So you're saying...
- 287
- 00:22:08,724 --> 00:22:11,059
- ...I have to wear the bathing suit?
- 288
- 00:22:11,351 --> 00:22:14,604
- Yeah, you have
- to wear the bathing suit.
- 289
- 00:22:15,272 --> 00:22:16,481
- Okay.
- 290
- 00:22:19,068 --> 00:22:20,653
- You go, girl.
- 291
- 00:22:23,281 --> 00:22:25,323
- Where am I gonna put my gun?
- 292
- 00:22:25,699 --> 00:22:28,036
- No place I want to know about.
- 293
- 00:22:29,786 --> 00:22:33,625
- What could possibly motivate anybody
- to enter a beauty pageant?
- 294
- 00:22:33,833 --> 00:22:36,127
- Scholarship money,
- a chance to see the world...
- 295
- 00:22:36,335 --> 00:22:38,212
- ...broaden your horizons--
- 296
- 00:22:38,463 --> 00:22:41,758
- So join the Marines. It's like
- feminism never even happened.
- 297
- 00:22:41,925 --> 00:22:45,928
- Any woman that does this is catering
- to misogynistic Neanderthal mentality.
- 298
- 00:22:46,178 --> 00:22:48,348
- I dated Young Miss Scarsdale.
- 299
- 00:22:48,556 --> 00:22:50,516
- Can you really be this superficial?
- 300
- 00:22:50,725 --> 00:22:52,352
- Hard to believe, right?
- 301
- 00:22:52,561 --> 00:22:53,603
- Here we are.
- 302
- 00:22:54,228 --> 00:22:56,856
- Therefore, we'd like to use
- one of our team undercover.
- 303
- 00:22:57,066 --> 00:22:58,775
- Am I hearing this correctly?
- 304
- 00:22:58,984 --> 00:23:03,363
- Kathy, these people want
- to put one of their agents...
- 305
- 00:23:03,780 --> 00:23:05,073
- ...in the pageant.
- 306
- 00:23:05,281 --> 00:23:06,406
- They want her to win?
- 307
- 00:23:06,617 --> 00:23:08,201
- No, ma'am.
- 308
- 00:23:09,118 --> 00:23:11,330
- We will need your help
- with the judging...
- 309
- 00:23:11,580 --> 00:23:13,874
- ...so our agent is in the top five...
- 310
- 00:23:14,124 --> 00:23:17,085
- ...to have access to
- all the areas at all times.
- 311
- 00:23:17,294 --> 00:23:19,587
- - Absolutely not.
- - Miss Morningside...
- 312
- 00:23:19,796 --> 00:23:21,964
- ...we understand how important
- this beauty pageant--
- 313
- 00:23:22,173 --> 00:23:23,592
- Excuse me.
- 314
- 00:23:23,925 --> 00:23:25,968
- This is not a beauty pageant.
- 315
- 00:23:26,177 --> 00:23:28,263
- This is a scholarship program.
- 316
- 00:23:28,430 --> 00:23:31,225
- And it has been ever since my reign.
- 317
- 00:23:31,391 --> 00:23:34,437
- I fully intend on maintaining
- that credo.
- 318
- 00:23:34,645 --> 00:23:35,979
- Absolutely, Miss Morningside.
- 319
- 00:23:36,230 --> 00:23:38,856
- We're here to protect the girls.
- Women.
- 320
- 00:23:39,023 --> 00:23:40,275
- Scholarship ladies.
- 321
- 00:23:41,820 --> 00:23:45,824
- There's nothing more important to me
- than the safety of my girls.
- 322
- 00:23:46,031 --> 00:23:48,952
- I'd rather cancel the pageant
- than have them blown up.
- 323
- 00:23:49,326 --> 00:23:51,036
- Especially without their knowledge.
- 324
- 00:23:51,703 --> 00:23:54,956
- We went to the network to cancel,
- but they refused.
- 325
- 00:23:55,165 --> 00:23:56,290
- We can't force them.
- 326
- 00:23:57,960 --> 00:23:59,086
- I'm confused.
- 327
- 00:23:59,294 --> 00:24:01,130
- What state is she going to be from?
- 328
- 00:24:01,296 --> 00:24:03,214
- All the winners have been chosen.
- 329
- 00:24:03,967 --> 00:24:08,138
- We recently discovered some
- information about Miss New Jersey.
- 330
- 00:24:08,346 --> 00:24:11,975
- And her performance in a little
- film called Arma Get It On.
- 331
- 00:24:12,683 --> 00:24:14,101
- Was that her?
- 332
- 00:24:14,435 --> 00:24:15,727
- Oh, yeah!
- 333
- 00:24:16,395 --> 00:24:19,606
- She was gonna drop out pretty soon,
- if you know what I mean.
- 334
- 00:24:23,861 --> 00:24:26,239
- Do you have an agent in mind?
- 335
- 00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:32,161
- Sorry.
- 336
- 00:24:33,996 --> 00:24:36,791
- Let me get you
- Victor Melling's number.
- 337
- 00:24:36,958 --> 00:24:37,958
- Frank.
- 338
- 00:24:38,126 --> 00:24:39,668
- He's our pageant consultant.
- 339
- 00:24:40,253 --> 00:24:41,421
- Frank.
- 340
- 00:24:41,963 --> 00:24:43,798
- Maybe he can do something to help.
- 341
- 00:24:43,965 --> 00:24:44,967
- Frank!
- 342
- 00:24:49,554 --> 00:24:51,389
- This is my assistant, Frank Tobin.
- 343
- 00:24:51,764 --> 00:24:53,391
- Hi, everyone.
- 344
- 00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,478
- Would you get these people
- Victor's number, please?
- 345
- 00:24:56,686 --> 00:24:58,062
- And get me a spring water.
- 346
- 00:24:58,230 --> 00:24:59,814
- And tuck in your shirt.
- 347
- 00:25:01,567 --> 00:25:04,194
- That, that was... a water for you...
- 348
- 00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:05,696
- ...and....
- 349
- 00:25:05,905 --> 00:25:08,364
- Victor Melling's number.
- 350
- 00:25:23,380 --> 00:25:24,757
- Mr. Melling.
- 351
- 00:25:24,964 --> 00:25:26,050
- How are you?
- 352
- 00:25:30,763 --> 00:25:34,266
- If you are Grace Hart,
- I quit here and now.
- 353
- 00:25:36,810 --> 00:25:38,605
- I'm having a bad hair day.
- 354
- 00:25:39,396 --> 00:25:41,274
- Bad hair decade, really.
- 355
- 00:25:41,565 --> 00:25:43,150
- I'm Eric Matthews. We spoke.
- 356
- 00:25:43,525 --> 00:25:45,027
- Your hair is perfect.
- 357
- 00:25:45,193 --> 00:25:47,112
- However, I can't accept this job.
- 358
- 00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:50,199
- There's no way I can make
- this woman ready in two days.
- 359
- 00:25:50,574 --> 00:25:53,954
- Please, Mr. Melling,
- give it a chance. Sit down.
- 360
- 00:25:54,161 --> 00:25:56,414
- Have lunch. Totally on the Bureau.
- 361
- 00:25:56,957 --> 00:26:00,127
- I suppose that would be
- the civilized thing to do.
- 362
- 00:26:01,752 --> 00:26:05,589
- I'll take a rain check.
- I got to take care of some FBI stuff.
- 363
- 00:26:05,799 --> 00:26:08,592
- That thing I told you
- about that I gotta do.
- 364
- 00:26:08,759 --> 00:26:11,679
- But I'll see you later.
- We'll hang out. You like caps?
- 365
- 00:26:12,472 --> 00:26:14,599
- I'll get you an official FBI cap.
- 366
- 00:26:15,267 --> 00:26:16,434
- See you later.
- 367
- 00:26:17,477 --> 00:26:18,602
- What a pity.
- 368
- 00:26:19,771 --> 00:26:21,731
- - Are you hungry?
- - Yeah.
- 369
- 00:26:21,898 --> 00:26:23,941
- - Yes.
- - Yeah.
- 370
- 00:26:24,150 --> 00:26:27,612
- It is always "yes,"
- never "yeah." Sit down.
- 371
- 00:26:28,863 --> 00:26:32,867
- Miss United States is always
- well-spoken and polite.
- 372
- 00:26:33,118 --> 00:26:34,245
- Do you understand?
- 373
- 00:26:34,494 --> 00:26:35,829
- Watch the hands, garçon.
- 374
- 00:26:36,037 --> 00:26:37,664
- - Excuse me.
- - It's all right.
- 375
- 00:26:38,290 --> 00:26:41,376
- I have a feeling we're going to need
- a drop cloth later.
- 376
- 00:26:54,223 --> 00:26:56,641
- Could I have another
- cabernet sauvignon?
- 377
- 00:26:56,849 --> 00:26:58,435
- Another keg for you?
- 378
- 00:26:58,810 --> 00:27:01,439
- - I'm good, thanks.
- - That's okay, Philip.
- 379
- 00:27:01,688 --> 00:27:05,400
- So, how long have you been doing
- this pageant-training thing?
- 380
- 00:27:05,650 --> 00:27:06,610
- I'm sorry?
- 381
- 00:27:07,153 --> 00:27:11,574
- What was the question? I was
- distracted by a half-masticated cow...
- 382
- 00:27:11,824 --> 00:27:14,784
- ...rolling around
- in your wide-open trap.
- 383
- 00:27:14,993 --> 00:27:16,786
- Excuse me? What is your problem?
- 384
- 00:27:16,995 --> 00:27:18,121
- - Problem?
- - Yeah.
- 385
- 00:27:18,330 --> 00:27:20,876
- I mean, yes.
- Have I offended you in some way?
- 386
- 00:27:21,083 --> 00:27:25,129
- You've been completely antagonistic
- to me from the second I walked in.
- 387
- 00:27:25,296 --> 00:27:28,049
- I was once the most
- sought-after, highly paid...
- 388
- 00:27:28,299 --> 00:27:30,385
- ...consultant in pageant history.
- 389
- 00:27:30,592 --> 00:27:32,594
- I had no idea.
- 390
- 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:37,600
- Every season, girls would plead
- with me to train them.
- 391
- 00:27:37,891 --> 00:27:40,019
- Ten out of 11 years...
- 392
- 00:27:40,227 --> 00:27:42,229
- ...my girls were crowned.
- 393
- 00:27:42,481 --> 00:27:45,942
- The year we lost,
- the winner was a deaf-mute.
- 394
- 00:27:46,233 --> 00:27:47,903
- You can't beat that.
- 395
- 00:27:50,403 --> 00:27:51,530
- Then...
- 396
- 00:27:52,449 --> 00:27:54,200
- ...in '96...
- 397
- 00:27:54,533 --> 00:27:58,204
- ...my girl froze like a puddle halfway
- through her aria from La Bohème.
- 398
- 00:27:58,704 --> 00:28:02,041
- Afterwards, she told
- a reporter from Pageant Magazine...
- 399
- 00:28:02,250 --> 00:28:04,002
- ...that I was a perfectionist...
- 400
- 00:28:04,210 --> 00:28:07,880
- ...who had harangued her
- to within an inch of her sanity.
- 401
- 00:28:08,213 --> 00:28:11,634
- Of course,
- after that article came out...
- 402
- 00:28:13,260 --> 00:28:14,929
- ...nobody wanted me.
- 403
- 00:28:19,101 --> 00:28:21,853
- Okay. With all due respect here...
- 404
- 00:28:22,062 --> 00:28:24,564
- ...why did Miss Morningside
- suggest you?
- 405
- 00:28:24,730 --> 00:28:27,484
- Because I am the best.
- 406
- 00:28:31,154 --> 00:28:35,325
- Or perhaps it's because everyone else
- worth having had a contestant.
- 407
- 00:28:35,950 --> 00:28:39,914
- They had their Southern belles,
- their Midwestern farmers' daughters.
- 408
- 00:28:40,122 --> 00:28:43,041
- Spunky Western cowgirls.
- 409
- 00:28:43,291 --> 00:28:44,376
- And I have...
- 410
- 00:28:46,502 --> 00:28:47,963
- ...Dirty Harriet.
- 411
- 00:28:52,009 --> 00:28:53,803
- Will you desist?
- 412
- 00:28:54,177 --> 00:28:55,138
- Yeah.
- 413
- 00:28:55,345 --> 00:28:56,931
- Yes.
- 414
- 00:29:02,144 --> 00:29:03,562
- Oh, my God.
- 415
- 00:29:03,770 --> 00:29:06,064
- I haven't seen a walk like that
- since Jurassic Park.
- 416
- 00:29:06,231 --> 00:29:10,277
- It's been working really well for me
- for the past 30 years, all right?
- 417
- 00:29:10,486 --> 00:29:12,446
- Well, glide, now. Glide.
- 418
- 00:29:13,949 --> 00:29:15,532
- Don't look down, don't look down.
- 419
- 00:29:15,742 --> 00:29:20,245
- Don't look down, look up. Your chin
- should be parallel to the floor.
- 420
- 00:29:20,496 --> 00:29:22,123
- Now glide. Glide.
- 421
- 00:29:22,832 --> 00:29:25,293
- It's not the bloody Ice Capades.
- 422
- 00:29:25,500 --> 00:29:26,960
- Gliding.
- 423
- 00:29:27,837 --> 00:29:31,299
- No, no. Don't pick your feet up.
- Don't pick your feet up.
- 424
- 00:29:31,506 --> 00:29:32,967
- Why are you picking your feet up?
- 425
- 00:29:33,217 --> 00:29:34,970
- Because I'm preparing to run away.
- 426
- 00:29:35,179 --> 00:29:36,928
- No, wait. Wait.
- 427
- 00:29:37,095 --> 00:29:38,097
- Watch me.
- 428
- 00:29:38,264 --> 00:29:39,932
- Glide. Glide.
- 429
- 00:29:43,644 --> 00:29:45,313
- See? Glide.
- 430
- 00:29:45,522 --> 00:29:48,275
- It's all in the buttocks.
- Don't I look pretty?
- 431
- 00:29:48,650 --> 00:29:51,403
- It takes a very secure man
- to walk like that.
- 432
- 00:29:55,364 --> 00:29:56,825
- Roll your hips.
- 433
- 00:29:57,033 --> 00:29:59,826
- Head up, head up. Keep gliding--
- 434
- 00:30:00,746 --> 00:30:02,039
- I'm gliding here!
- 435
- 00:30:02,246 --> 00:30:03,332
- What are you, blind?
- 436
- 00:30:03,539 --> 00:30:04,874
- Asshole.
- 437
- 00:30:40,035 --> 00:30:42,871
- Look how she walks. She's floating.
- 438
- 00:30:43,039 --> 00:30:46,376
- Lightly ascending
- from cloud to cloud...
- 439
- 00:30:46,709 --> 00:30:48,336
- ...towards heaven.
- 440
- 00:30:49,921 --> 00:30:52,214
- He takes one look at that fake rack...
- 441
- 00:30:52,422 --> 00:30:54,342
- ...he's gonna send her right back.
- 442
- 00:30:57,219 --> 00:31:01,139
- Look, she's gonna cry again.
- "If I only had a brain!"
- 443
- 00:31:02,100 --> 00:31:04,727
- I am somewhat less than amused.
- 444
- 00:31:12,610 --> 00:31:14,279
- How's she doing?
- 445
- 00:31:15,487 --> 00:31:17,700
- With some intensive work...
- 446
- 00:31:17,991 --> 00:31:21,285
- ...she'll be ready for the world's
- finest trailer park.
- 447
- 00:31:22,203 --> 00:31:23,454
- Thank you!
- 448
- 00:31:27,750 --> 00:31:29,335
- Both painful...
- 449
- 00:31:29,543 --> 00:31:31,087
- ...and grotesque.
- 450
- 00:31:31,546 --> 00:31:32,839
- Isn't it?
- 451
- 00:31:37,303 --> 00:31:38,970
- Oh, my God!
- 452
- 00:31:49,147 --> 00:31:52,443
- Mr. Vic, we got everything
- you asked for. Where do we start?
- 453
- 00:31:52,650 --> 00:31:54,819
- Teeth, hair, manicure, pedicure.
- 454
- 00:31:55,029 --> 00:31:56,238
- Which one first?
- 455
- 00:31:56,447 --> 00:31:58,782
- What are you gonna do to my teeth?
- 456
- 00:31:58,991 --> 00:32:02,410
- Hopefully, remove the beer stains
- and steak residue.
- 457
- 00:32:04,662 --> 00:32:06,373
- Can't I get some Novocain?
- 458
- 00:32:06,664 --> 00:32:08,125
- It's only a cleaning.
- 459
- 00:32:08,334 --> 00:32:10,627
- Sweeney Todd, what are you doing?
- 460
- 00:32:10,836 --> 00:32:12,671
- Your hair should make a statement.
- 461
- 00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:15,800
- As long as it's not,
- "Thanks for the Country Music Award."
- 462
- 00:32:15,967 --> 00:32:18,093
- You'll be lucky
- if I can get it untangled.
- 463
- 00:32:18,303 --> 00:32:19,302
- No mercy.
- 464
- 00:32:19,469 --> 00:32:20,804
- Can I borrow that drill?
- 465
- 00:32:23,307 --> 00:32:25,476
- Attention. Attention.
- 466
- 00:32:25,683 --> 00:32:29,855
- All hair removal units,
- wax, electrolysis, laser...
- 467
- 00:32:30,064 --> 00:32:33,108
- ...to commence at 2300 hours.
- 468
- 00:32:55,173 --> 00:32:56,257
- Bikini wax.
- 469
- 00:33:07,894 --> 00:33:09,269
- How you doing?
- 470
- 00:33:09,480 --> 00:33:11,064
- Ever seen one this big?
- 471
- 00:33:11,272 --> 00:33:12,775
- Sandwich, I mean.
- 472
- 00:33:13,233 --> 00:33:15,025
- That's a lot of meat.
- 473
- 00:33:19,572 --> 00:33:21,032
- Thank you!
- 474
- 00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:23,617
- Nobody said this job was easy.
- 475
- 00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:41,594
- This earpiece lets you hear anybody
- on our frequencies.
- 476
- 00:33:41,804 --> 00:33:44,682
- I don't need it. With all this foil,
- I'm getting HBO.
- 477
- 00:33:46,058 --> 00:33:47,518
- This is a pin camera.
- 478
- 00:33:47,726 --> 00:33:49,685
- There's an actual lens in there.
- 479
- 00:33:49,894 --> 00:33:52,772
- It provides a digital video
- feed to our hookups.
- 480
- 00:33:53,607 --> 00:33:55,400
- Here's your new I.D.s.
- 481
- 00:33:55,567 --> 00:33:57,736
- Pageant identity.
- 482
- 00:33:58,570 --> 00:34:00,238
- Gracie Lou Freebush?
- 483
- 00:34:00,573 --> 00:34:01,949
- I remembered you liked that.
- 484
- 00:34:02,158 --> 00:34:05,453
- Well, my IQ just dropped 10 points.
- 485
- 00:34:08,997 --> 00:34:11,499
- More... fluffy.
- 486
- 00:34:12,001 --> 00:34:14,794
- Eyebrows. There should be two.
- 487
- 00:34:19,842 --> 00:34:22,053
- Another two coats. And a sealant.
- 488
- 00:34:22,344 --> 00:34:23,804
- Unbelievable.
- 489
- 00:34:25,680 --> 00:34:29,309
- Where the hell is she? What could
- possibly be taking this long?
- 490
- 00:35:03,344 --> 00:35:04,930
- Hart, is that you?
- 491
- 00:35:05,138 --> 00:35:08,307
- I'm in a dress, I have gel in my hair,
- I haven't slept...
- 492
- 00:35:08,474 --> 00:35:11,812
- ...I'm starved and I'm armed.
- Don't mess with me.
- 493
- 00:35:15,108 --> 00:35:17,317
- I'm fine. I'm cool. I'm good.
- 494
- 00:35:18,528 --> 00:35:22,155
- Yeah, that's her.
- Mr. Vic, nice work!
- 495
- 00:35:22,364 --> 00:35:23,532
- Thank you.
- 496
- 00:35:24,824 --> 00:35:26,451
- My God, I'm good.
- 497
- 00:36:04,865 --> 00:36:07,076
- Okay, Gracie Lou, listen up.
- 498
- 00:36:07,493 --> 00:36:09,912
- "Operation Thong" has commenced.
- 499
- 00:36:10,000 --> 00:36:11,247
- akumenang.com
- 500
- 00:36:11,247 --> 00:36:13,040
- Why don't you stun-gun yourself?
- akumenang.com
- 501
- 00:36:13,040 --> 00:36:13,707
- akumenang.com
- 502
- 00:36:13,707 --> 00:36:15,584
- I knew she'd like that one.
- akumenang.com
- 503
- 00:36:15,584 --> 00:36:16,835
- akumenang.com
- 504
- 00:36:16,835 --> 00:36:18,003
- Victor?
- akumenang.com
- 505
- 00:36:18,003 --> 00:36:18,504
- akumenang.com
- 506
- 00:36:18,504 --> 00:36:20,215
- Try not to speak.
- akumenang.com
- 507
- 00:36:20,215 --> 00:36:20,965
- akumenang.com
- 508
- 00:36:20,965 --> 00:36:22,000
- Victor!
- akumenang.com
- 509
- 00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:22,300
- Victor!
- 510
- 00:36:23,259 --> 00:36:25,304
- Miss Morningside, if it's possible...
- 511
- 00:36:25,511 --> 00:36:27,638
- ...you look more radiant than ever.
- 512
- 00:36:28,639 --> 00:36:31,267
- Then I guess it's possible.
- Hello.
- 513
- 00:36:31,643 --> 00:36:32,642
- Hi.
- 514
- 00:36:34,895 --> 00:36:35,856
- Miss Hart?!
- 515
- 00:36:36,440 --> 00:36:38,232
- I mean, Miss Freebush.
- 516
- 00:36:39,441 --> 00:36:43,362
- Victor, I see you haven't
- completely lost your touch.
- 517
- 00:36:43,571 --> 00:36:45,449
- You look absolutely perfect.
- 518
- 00:36:45,740 --> 00:36:49,078
- And you're just in time
- for the orientation breakfast.
- 519
- 00:36:49,703 --> 00:36:51,537
- You'll take the bags to the room?
- 520
- 00:36:51,704 --> 00:36:53,956
- It's been a while
- since you've been with us...
- 521
- 00:36:54,166 --> 00:36:56,459
- ...but you remember
- how everything goes.
- 522
- 00:36:57,294 --> 00:37:00,464
- One little mistake
- and I'm a bloody bellhop.
- 523
- 00:37:02,089 --> 00:37:04,259
- Ohio. Oh-hi-yo!
- 524
- 00:37:04,635 --> 00:37:06,637
- Washington. Nice apples.
- 525
- 00:37:06,803 --> 00:37:09,765
- Original. You come up with that
- all by yourself?
- 526
- 00:37:11,349 --> 00:37:13,977
- - Miss Greenbush!
- - I got it. I got it.
- 527
- 00:37:14,144 --> 00:37:16,187
- New Jersey? Welcome.
- 528
- 00:37:27,658 --> 00:37:30,285
- - Who's she?
- - Have you seen her before?
- 529
- 00:37:33,747 --> 00:37:36,501
- Oh, hey, New Jersey?
- This one's empty.
- 530
- 00:37:38,962 --> 00:37:39,963
- Thanks.
- 531
- 00:37:40,170 --> 00:37:42,674
- - I'm Cheryl from Rhode Island.
- - Hi, I'm--
- 532
- 00:37:42,840 --> 00:37:46,677
- Gracie Lou Freebush. I memorized
- the orientation pamphlet.
- 533
- 00:37:46,843 --> 00:37:49,596
- I know all 49 ladies
- by name and picture.
- 534
- 00:37:49,805 --> 00:37:51,473
- Fifty, including myself.
- 535
- 00:37:51,683 --> 00:37:55,853
- Your picture wasn't there, so I knew
- it was you from your lack of picture.
- 536
- 00:37:57,146 --> 00:38:00,442
- How about a little song for the drive?
- 537
- 00:38:00,692 --> 00:38:03,193
- I think you know the one I mean.
- 538
- 00:38:04,528 --> 00:38:08,032
- From sea to shining sea
- 539
- 00:38:08,283 --> 00:38:11,661
- Like Lady Liberty
- 540
- 00:38:11,870 --> 00:38:16,708
- She reigns over all she sees
- 541
- 00:38:17,543 --> 00:38:21,169
- She's beauty and she's grace
- 542
- 00:38:21,379 --> 00:38:23,714
- She's Miss United States
- 543
- 00:38:28,220 --> 00:38:29,679
- Entering Barbie-town.
- 544
- 00:38:29,887 --> 00:38:31,348
- We're up and running.
- 545
- 00:38:31,556 --> 00:38:33,224
- I love my job!
- 546
- 00:38:33,434 --> 00:38:35,227
- - Not a bad view.
- - Not at all.
- 547
- 00:38:35,477 --> 00:38:37,896
- There's our table!
- 548
- 00:38:38,146 --> 00:38:40,105
- I got here three days early
- so I could--
- 549
- 00:38:40,316 --> 00:38:43,109
- Look at all the hoochie mama!
- 550
- 00:38:43,276 --> 00:38:44,569
- Not the pastry!
- 551
- 00:38:46,446 --> 00:38:51,326
- Ladies, I would like you to meet
- Gracie Lou Freebush from New Jersey.
- 552
- 00:38:51,534 --> 00:38:53,746
- Karen Krantz, New York.
- 553
- 00:38:53,954 --> 00:38:55,247
- What's up, Jersey?
- 554
- 00:38:55,456 --> 00:38:58,333
- - Mary Jo Wright, Texas.
- - Hi there.
- 555
- 00:38:58,500 --> 00:39:00,544
- Belinda Brown, Tennessee.
- 556
- 00:39:00,752 --> 00:39:02,045
- - I like that!
- - Oh, yeah!
- 557
- 00:39:02,546 --> 00:39:04,340
- Leslie Davis, California.
- 558
- 00:39:04,548 --> 00:39:05,550
- Hey, girl.
- 559
- 00:39:05,758 --> 00:39:08,094
- And Alana Krewson, Hawaii.
- 560
- 00:39:08,678 --> 00:39:09,511
- Aloha.
- 561
- 00:39:09,720 --> 00:39:11,096
- Aloha to you too!
- 562
- 00:39:11,305 --> 00:39:15,975
- I want you all to know, I believe what
- it says on the sign at the Alamodome.
- 563
- 00:39:16,185 --> 00:39:17,852
- We are all winners.
- 564
- 00:39:18,187 --> 00:39:20,607
- Hey, Hart! You think she's hungry?
- 565
- 00:39:20,814 --> 00:39:24,318
- Most important, we're getting our
- issues out there for people to hear.
- 566
- 00:39:24,526 --> 00:39:27,279
- And it's an honor
- to have made it this far.
- 567
- 00:39:27,446 --> 00:39:29,908
- Especially when you're
- from a small state--
- 568
- 00:39:30,116 --> 00:39:31,784
- That's so true!
- 569
- 00:39:31,993 --> 00:39:34,411
- - Us Rhode Islanders--
- - I wasn't finished.
- 570
- 00:39:36,414 --> 00:39:37,748
- Did it sound like I was?
- 571
- 00:39:37,956 --> 00:39:39,083
- I'm sorry.
- 572
- 00:39:39,292 --> 00:39:41,460
- Why are you apologizing to her?
- 573
- 00:39:41,669 --> 00:39:43,754
- She's been drinking
- too much Coppertone.
- 574
- 00:39:43,963 --> 00:39:46,424
- - Are you talking to me?
- - Yeah, I am.
- 575
- 00:39:47,467 --> 00:39:48,510
- Question:
- 576
- 00:39:49,678 --> 00:39:53,222
- In Hawaii, don't you use "Aloha"
- for hello and goodbye?
- 577
- 00:39:53,764 --> 00:39:55,140
- So?
- 578
- 00:39:55,933 --> 00:39:59,145
- If you're on the phone with
- someone who won't stop talking...
- 579
- 00:39:59,312 --> 00:40:01,773
- ...and you say "aloha,"
- don't they start again?
- 580
- 00:40:08,487 --> 00:40:10,573
- At least she thinks I'm funny.
- 581
- 00:40:11,157 --> 00:40:13,034
- Hart? Hart, do you copy?
- 582
- 00:40:14,243 --> 00:40:16,579
- - What's up?
- - I don't know. It's not working.
- 583
- 00:40:16,704 --> 00:40:20,333
- - It worked five minutes ago.
- - Who put it together?
- 584
- 00:40:25,380 --> 00:40:27,424
- Check one, check one--
- 585
- 00:40:29,883 --> 00:40:32,470
- Thank you so much. Thank you.
- 586
- 00:40:33,178 --> 00:40:34,849
- For the past 21 years...
- 587
- 00:40:35,014 --> 00:40:38,435
- ...it has been my honor to serve
- as director of this pageant.
- 588
- 00:40:38,601 --> 00:40:42,189
- And I know that this year will be
- our most exciting event ever!
- 589
- 00:40:45,525 --> 00:40:47,778
- Couple of geniuses I'm working with.
- 590
- 00:40:47,945 --> 00:40:51,990
- After the rehearsal and a photo shoot,
- you can settle into your rooms.
- 591
- 00:40:52,158 --> 00:40:55,578
- Tomorrow we will
- begin the preliminaries...
- 592
- 00:40:55,744 --> 00:40:58,247
- ...hosted by our
- master of ceremonies...
- 593
- 00:40:58,413 --> 00:41:01,375
- ...an American institution,
- Stan Fields.
- 594
- 00:41:06,546 --> 00:41:09,008
- Thank you! Oh, thank you, Kathy!
- 595
- 00:41:10,676 --> 00:41:12,803
- Let's go! Get it back online!
- 596
- 00:41:12,971 --> 00:41:14,472
- - We're working on it.
- - We're trying.
- 597
- 00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:16,141
- Thank you, Kathy.
- 598
- 00:41:16,391 --> 00:41:18,559
- Isn't she ravishing?!
- 599
- 00:41:19,727 --> 00:41:21,687
- How does she do it?
- 600
- 00:41:21,855 --> 00:41:26,859
- I look in the mirror and say,
- "Who's that old man in my pajamas?"
- 601
- 00:41:29,986 --> 00:41:34,325
- And even though I'll be
- retiring this year....
- 602
- 00:41:36,370 --> 00:41:39,205
- Well, don't cry for me... Alabama.
- 603
- 00:41:39,872 --> 00:41:42,666
- That's so sad. He's retiring.
- 604
- 00:41:42,875 --> 00:41:44,668
- He's not retiring.
- 605
- 00:41:44,878 --> 00:41:47,839
- I spoke to him this morning,
- and he blurted it out.
- 606
- 00:41:48,048 --> 00:41:52,427
- They're firing him, going
- for someone newer and younger.
- 607
- 00:41:53,429 --> 00:41:55,722
- I hope it's Ricky Martin.
- 608
- 00:42:00,352 --> 00:42:01,937
- Jesus Christ!
- 609
- 00:42:10,696 --> 00:42:14,950
- I'm sorry. I had a bite of my bagel
- and I forgot to pray.
- 610
- 00:42:18,787 --> 00:42:20,997
- Dear Jesus, please forgive me...
- 611
- 00:42:21,207 --> 00:42:24,751
- ...for not praying before I had
- a bite of my bagel and schmeer.
- 612
- 00:42:24,918 --> 00:42:26,212
- Thank you very much.
- 613
- 00:42:26,504 --> 00:42:27,004
- Amen.
- 614
- 00:43:26,771 --> 00:43:28,566
- I hope I'm not disturbing you.
- 615
- 00:43:28,816 --> 00:43:31,152
- Oh, no, I was just, you know...
- 616
- 00:43:31,610 --> 00:43:32,737
- ...grooming.
- 617
- 00:43:32,945 --> 00:43:35,782
- I made some of my famous
- hot chocolate.
- 618
- 00:43:40,912 --> 00:43:44,707
- My roommate's asleep,
- or she's starting to mold.
- 619
- 00:43:45,583 --> 00:43:47,710
- But do you want to come in?
- 620
- 00:43:57,930 --> 00:43:59,848
- I asked some of the other girls...
- 621
- 00:44:00,098 --> 00:44:03,185
- ...but when they heard "chocolate"
- they slammed their doors.
- 622
- 00:44:03,352 --> 00:44:06,062
- They didn't give me a chance
- to say "nonfat."
- 623
- 00:44:07,606 --> 00:44:09,358
- Well, here's to...
- 624
- 00:44:10,067 --> 00:44:11,484
- ...world peace.
- 625
- 00:44:11,943 --> 00:44:13,529
- World peace.
- 626
- 00:44:20,661 --> 00:44:21,619
- Hot.
- 627
- 00:44:21,828 --> 00:44:22,954
- I'm sorry.
- 628
- 00:44:23,747 --> 00:44:25,248
- I have to tell you...
- 629
- 00:44:25,499 --> 00:44:29,878
- ...I thought it was really great
- how you settled that argument today.
- 630
- 00:44:30,213 --> 00:44:32,130
- "Aloha, aloha."
- 631
- 00:44:32,382 --> 00:44:34,050
- That's why you're gonna win.
- 632
- 00:44:34,509 --> 00:44:36,176
- You're so clever.
- 633
- 00:44:36,344 --> 00:44:39,721
- You should tell jokes for your talent.
- What is your talent?
- 634
- 00:44:40,889 --> 00:44:43,392
- It's-- It's kind of like....
- 635
- 00:44:43,767 --> 00:44:46,479
- It's, you know,
- it's like a surprise.
- 636
- 00:44:48,689 --> 00:44:51,358
- But don't worry,
- it's nothing embarrassing.
- 637
- 00:44:51,818 --> 00:44:54,905
- Not anything like baton twirling
- or anything.
- 638
- 00:44:57,030 --> 00:44:59,158
- So, what's your talent?
- 639
- 00:45:01,577 --> 00:45:03,912
- Oh, Cheryl, I'm sorry.
- 640
- 00:45:05,205 --> 00:45:08,042
- Twirling can be a real art.
- 641
- 00:45:08,251 --> 00:45:11,754
- I saw this cheerleader doing it
- at a football game.
- 642
- 00:45:11,964 --> 00:45:15,882
- She lit her batons on fire
- and did this sexy dance.
- 643
- 00:45:16,050 --> 00:45:18,010
- I wish I could do something like that.
- 644
- 00:45:18,219 --> 00:45:19,263
- Why can't you?
- 645
- 00:45:19,470 --> 00:45:22,223
- My parents don't like
- anything ostentatious.
- 646
- 00:45:22,474 --> 00:45:24,767
- And they really don't like fire.
- 647
- 00:45:26,812 --> 00:45:31,233
- Cheryl, I think you have as good
- a chance as anyone to win.
- 648
- 00:45:31,483 --> 00:45:34,444
- You believe in yourself
- to have gotten this far, right?
- 649
- 00:45:35,278 --> 00:45:36,905
- - Really?
- - Yeah.
- 650
- 00:45:40,117 --> 00:45:43,704
- You're so nice and so smart
- and so sensitive.
- 651
- 00:45:43,912 --> 00:45:45,663
- You're definitely gonna win.
- 652
- 00:45:45,873 --> 00:45:46,790
- That's it.
- 653
- 00:45:47,291 --> 00:45:51,294
- Excuse me. I am in the middle
- of a REM cycle over here.
- 654
- 00:45:51,502 --> 00:45:53,129
- - Sorry.
- - I'm sorry.
- 655
- 00:46:24,661 --> 00:46:26,749
- Not happening.
- 656
- 00:46:31,210 --> 00:46:33,087
- - What?
- - You took your earpiece out.
- 657
- 00:46:33,296 --> 00:46:34,796
- - Vic needs you.
- - Now?
- 658
- 00:46:35,047 --> 00:46:37,717
- - I haven't slept in two days!
- - I'll give you a cookie.
- 659
- 00:46:38,218 --> 00:46:40,136
- It better be a big one.
- 660
- 00:46:42,388 --> 00:46:44,849
- You don't walk, you float.
- 661
- 00:46:45,015 --> 00:46:48,143
- Gently descending,
- you don't look down.
- 662
- 00:46:48,353 --> 00:46:52,148
- Go back up and do it again.
- Never, ever look down, okay?
- 663
- 00:46:52,357 --> 00:46:54,527
- Thighs touching....
- 664
- 00:46:55,318 --> 00:46:57,403
- - Touching, not clenching.
- - I'm touching.
- 665
- 00:46:57,612 --> 00:47:01,659
- There's a gap between knees and calves,
- your calves and your ankles.
- 666
- 00:47:01,908 --> 00:47:05,453
- Right now there's a huge gap between
- my brain and my spinal cord.
- 667
- 00:47:07,079 --> 00:47:08,832
- Here. Take these.
- 668
- 00:47:27,518 --> 00:47:29,060
- What, no armored car?
- 669
- 00:47:29,395 --> 00:47:31,397
- That would be in my other dress.
- 670
- 00:47:32,064 --> 00:47:36,110
- What are you planning to do
- for your talent? Sing? Dance?
- 671
- 00:47:36,527 --> 00:47:38,320
- Chew with your mouth closed?
- 672
- 00:47:38,529 --> 00:47:40,864
- I'll do whatever you want, Yoda.
- 673
- 00:47:41,072 --> 00:47:42,448
- Oh, Lord.
- 674
- 00:47:44,117 --> 00:47:45,410
- Agent Matthews!
- 675
- 00:47:45,703 --> 00:47:49,582
- - This woman has no talent!
- - Don't shout it in front of her.
- 676
- 00:47:49,748 --> 00:47:53,419
- I wasn't told to provide a talent.
- I can't do so in the next five hours!
- 677
- 00:47:53,627 --> 00:47:54,712
- Wait a minute.
- 678
- 00:47:54,921 --> 00:47:56,380
- What are you talking about?
- 679
- 00:47:56,590 --> 00:47:59,049
- She'll be on-stage
- with nothing to do...
- 680
- 00:47:59,257 --> 00:48:01,760
- ...but convert oxygen
- into carbon dioxide!
- 681
- 00:48:01,968 --> 00:48:06,432
- You said you couldn't make her pretty
- in two days, but she's gorgeous.
- 682
- 00:48:06,640 --> 00:48:09,184
- Compared to the car wreck
- she was before.
- 683
- 00:48:09,393 --> 00:48:12,856
- My duties are stated in a contract,
- and I have fulfilled them.
- 684
- 00:48:13,064 --> 00:48:15,984
- - You talent her up by tomorrow or--
- - Are you threatening me?
- 685
- 00:48:16,150 --> 00:48:19,528
- - Listen to me, you old fruitcake!
- - How dare you, you cupcake!
- 686
- 00:48:19,736 --> 00:48:23,950
- There's something I know how to do.
- I haven't done it since high school--
- 687
- 00:48:24,116 --> 00:48:27,787
- - You're not having sex on this stage.
- - I didn't know it was an option.
- 688
- 00:48:27,955 --> 00:48:30,624
- This thing,
- I just have to call room service.
- 689
- 00:48:31,166 --> 00:48:32,417
- Miss Hart.
- 690
- 00:48:32,626 --> 00:48:33,918
- Please.
- 691
- 00:48:37,464 --> 00:48:39,633
- Thank you. And the other one.
- 692
- 00:48:42,510 --> 00:48:43,553
- Thank you.
- 693
- 00:48:50,602 --> 00:48:52,353
- All right, all right, all right.
- 694
- 00:48:53,855 --> 00:48:56,315
- Happy, you doughnut Nazi?
- 695
- 00:49:35,022 --> 00:49:37,817
- Did I tell you Stan Fields
- was getting fired?
- 696
- 00:49:38,026 --> 00:49:41,570
- I'm on it. You just concentrate
- on being Gracie Lou, all right.
- 697
- 00:49:42,320 --> 00:49:44,991
- And by the way,
- you're doing a great job.
- 698
- 00:49:45,658 --> 00:49:47,867
- I thought the evening gown looked....
- 699
- 00:49:49,078 --> 00:49:52,039
- - I totally bought it.
- - I know, you think I'm gorgeous.
- 700
- 00:49:52,248 --> 00:49:53,707
- I don't think you're gorgeous.
- 701
- 00:49:54,083 --> 00:49:56,669
- You think I'm gorgeous.
- 702
- 00:49:56,919 --> 00:49:59,380
- You want to kiss me.
- 703
- 00:49:59,589 --> 00:50:01,215
- You want to hug me--
- 704
- 00:50:01,425 --> 00:50:03,883
- McDonald's more feminine.
- I'd rather kiss him.
- 705
- 00:50:04,051 --> 00:50:07,430
- --Iove me.
- You want to hug me.
- 706
- 00:50:07,638 --> 00:50:09,224
- You want to smooch me.
- 707
- 00:50:19,276 --> 00:50:20,818
- Enjoy the rest of your night.
- 708
- 00:50:34,875 --> 00:50:37,085
- Gracie, you look so tired.
- 709
- 00:50:37,627 --> 00:50:39,754
- Oh, she had a busy night.
- 710
- 00:50:39,921 --> 00:50:42,923
- I saw that gentleman stop by the room.
- 711
- 00:50:43,132 --> 00:50:44,133
- Gentleman?
- 712
- 00:50:46,636 --> 00:50:50,515
- - No men in the room.
- - It's different on the mainland.
- 713
- 00:50:50,724 --> 00:50:53,810
- Hold on, ladies. Let's hear
- her side of the story.
- 714
- 00:50:54,061 --> 00:50:55,520
- You sleeping with a judge?
- 715
- 00:50:59,858 --> 00:51:01,401
- Oh, that guy?
- 716
- 00:51:02,402 --> 00:51:05,947
- No, no, I was dating him
- for a little while because...
- 717
- 00:51:06,156 --> 00:51:08,409
- ...he said he had
- an incurable disease.
- 718
- 00:51:11,579 --> 00:51:13,955
- I didn't realize it was stupidity.
- 719
- 00:51:14,123 --> 00:51:16,291
- Oh, I know what that's like.
- 720
- 00:51:16,499 --> 00:51:18,126
- He is such a pathetic loser.
- 721
- 00:51:18,334 --> 00:51:22,297
- I'm sorry he's obsessed with me,
- but at some point it's like, "Hello!"
- 722
- 00:51:22,506 --> 00:51:25,300
- "Move on! Get over yourself!"
- 723
- 00:51:26,094 --> 00:51:27,929
- His ego is this big.
- 724
- 00:51:28,179 --> 00:51:30,723
- But his equipment is like this big!
- 725
- 00:51:31,891 --> 00:51:34,309
- Good cover!
- We worked that out together.
- 726
- 00:51:34,519 --> 00:51:36,269
- Use it for a needle.
- 727
- 00:51:36,478 --> 00:51:38,689
- Back to work.
- Get ready for the Alamo.
- 728
- 00:51:40,358 --> 00:51:42,486
- Thank you. Thank you.
- 729
- 00:51:42,818 --> 00:51:47,491
- And welcome to
- the Miss United States Preliminary...
- 730
- 00:51:47,698 --> 00:51:50,993
- ...here at the beautiful
- and historical Alamo!
- 731
- 00:51:53,537 --> 00:51:55,665
- Prepare for what promises to be...
- 732
- 00:51:55,873 --> 00:51:59,836
- ...a day of astounding musical,
- theatrical and dancing talent.
- 733
- 00:52:00,086 --> 00:52:02,797
- And after I'm finished,
- you can see the ladies.
- 734
- 00:52:03,047 --> 00:52:04,007
- Oh, yes!
- 735
- 00:52:06,592 --> 00:52:08,137
- And now, put it together...
- 736
- 00:52:08,387 --> 00:52:12,055
- ...for Miss Mary Jo Wright from Texas!
- 737
- 00:52:49,428 --> 00:52:51,263
- What's her talent, bartending?
- 738
- 00:53:16,539 --> 00:53:21,461
- I made it very clear you weren't
- responsible for making her credible.
- 739
- 00:53:24,254 --> 00:53:26,465
- I wish I could explain...
- 740
- 00:53:26,965 --> 00:53:29,385
- ...but there are no words.
- 741
- 00:53:42,357 --> 00:53:43,691
- Eagle-Eye.
- 742
- 00:53:44,651 --> 00:53:47,277
- You might want to check out
- cowboy at 1 :00.
- 743
- 00:53:48,154 --> 00:53:50,490
- My 1 :00 or your 1 :00?
- 744
- 00:53:50,782 --> 00:53:53,117
- The one under the white Stetson.
- 745
- 00:53:53,326 --> 00:53:55,453
- There's Stetsons everywhere.
- 746
- 00:53:58,664 --> 00:53:59,998
- He's moving, he's moving.
- 747
- 00:54:00,208 --> 00:54:03,378
- - Toward the stage.
- - Hold on, we're checking it out.
- 748
- 00:54:09,760 --> 00:54:12,179
- Guys, he has a gun. He has a gun.
- 749
- 00:54:13,138 --> 00:54:15,474
- Who's got the 20 on the shooter?
- 750
- 00:54:17,641 --> 00:54:18,685
- I'm taking him out.
- 751
- 00:54:18,892 --> 00:54:20,353
- Wait for a visual!
- 752
- 00:54:22,355 --> 00:54:25,024
- Gun! Gun! Everybody down!
- 753
- 00:54:28,988 --> 00:54:31,532
- Better up to them, don't you think?
- 754
- 00:54:33,118 --> 00:54:36,577
- In a bizarre incident at the
- Miss United States Preliminaries...
- 755
- 00:54:36,787 --> 00:54:39,915
- ...the contestant from New Jersey
- leapt off-stage...
- 756
- 00:54:40,123 --> 00:54:44,086
- ...and tackled a man in the crowd
- who was trying to light a cigarette.
- 757
- 00:54:44,294 --> 00:54:46,714
- She's here with me right now.
- 758
- 00:54:46,923 --> 00:54:50,300
- What were you thinking when you
- jumped off the stage?
- 759
- 00:54:50,509 --> 00:54:54,888
- All the contestants are actively
- involved in ending tobacco dependence.
- 760
- 00:54:55,097 --> 00:54:59,727
- I think the gentleman will think twice
- before he lights up again.
- 761
- 00:54:59,893 --> 00:55:01,604
- I'm sure we all will.
- 762
- 00:55:06,484 --> 00:55:08,361
- - Look, he had a gun.
- - Of course.
- 763
- 00:55:08,570 --> 00:55:10,237
- This is Texas, everyone has a gun.
- 764
- 00:55:10,445 --> 00:55:12,031
- My florist has a gun.
- 765
- 00:55:12,323 --> 00:55:13,449
- I don't have a gun.
- 766
- 00:55:13,657 --> 00:55:15,325
- My ancestors were Quakers.
- 767
- 00:55:15,534 --> 00:55:17,494
- Stan, please!
- 768
- 00:55:17,703 --> 00:55:20,457
- We assume any man
- with a weapon is a suspect.
- 769
- 00:55:20,665 --> 00:55:22,292
- We got the DNA results.
- 770
- 00:55:22,500 --> 00:55:25,628
- The envelope from the Citizen
- was licked by a woman.
- 771
- 00:55:25,836 --> 00:55:27,671
- There's never been DNA before.
- 772
- 00:55:28,131 --> 00:55:30,467
- He slipped up, or I should say "she."
- 773
- 00:55:30,674 --> 00:55:32,427
- This is preposterous.
- 774
- 00:55:32,760 --> 00:55:34,846
- You people are completely clueless.
- 775
- 00:55:35,055 --> 00:55:38,433
- If I ran my pageant like this, we'd be
- holding it in someone's basement!
- 776
- 00:55:38,641 --> 00:55:41,771
- Every operation is bound
- to have its screwups.
- 777
- 00:55:41,978 --> 00:55:44,440
- As far as I can see,
- she's still with us.
- 778
- 00:55:45,940 --> 00:55:47,066
- Oh, God!
- 779
- 00:55:47,317 --> 00:55:50,486
- Could I have a moment alone
- with Miss Hart, please?
- 780
- 00:55:50,695 --> 00:55:51,821
- Sure.
- 781
- 00:55:54,992 --> 00:55:56,577
- Just for a tiny minute.
- 782
- 00:55:56,952 --> 00:55:59,454
- We'll just be a moment.
- Shop talk.
- 783
- 00:55:59,663 --> 00:56:00,664
- Hair, gel, mousse.
- 784
- 00:56:03,167 --> 00:56:06,669
- Look, I know I made a mistake.
- I'm sorry.
- 785
- 00:56:09,339 --> 00:56:13,260
- I've been fighting all my life
- against your type.
- 786
- 00:56:13,426 --> 00:56:16,472
- The ones who think we're
- a bunch of worthless airheads.
- 787
- 00:56:17,056 --> 00:56:18,264
- You know who I mean.
- 788
- 00:56:18,474 --> 00:56:19,892
- Feminists...
- 789
- 00:56:20,100 --> 00:56:21,603
- ...intellectuals...
- 790
- 00:56:21,811 --> 00:56:22,895
- ...ugly women.
- 791
- 00:56:23,479 --> 00:56:25,855
- I refuse to give in to their cynicism.
- 792
- 00:56:26,231 --> 00:56:30,694
- That's why I have dedicated
- my entire life to this scholarship.
- 793
- 00:56:31,361 --> 00:56:32,988
- No one's going to ruin that.
- 794
- 00:56:33,989 --> 00:56:35,366
- Not this year.
- 795
- 00:56:36,200 --> 00:56:38,828
- You get in my way, I will kill you.
- 796
- 00:56:40,496 --> 00:56:41,747
- Do you understand?
- 797
- 00:56:42,872 --> 00:56:43,873
- Yeah.
- 798
- 00:56:44,667 --> 00:56:45,875
- Yes.
- 799
- 00:56:55,886 --> 00:56:56,888
- Frank!
- 800
- 00:56:57,680 --> 00:57:02,476
- The interview is the single most
- important part of the pageant.
- 801
- 00:57:02,726 --> 00:57:05,355
- It accounts for 30%
- of your total score.
- 802
- 00:57:05,563 --> 00:57:07,940
- What's the other 70%, cleavage?
- 803
- 00:57:09,734 --> 00:57:13,363
- Is this your idea of doing final preps
- on the convention center?
- 804
- 00:57:14,030 --> 00:57:17,199
- Look. Liberace's got her
- in a nice evening gown.
- 805
- 00:57:17,658 --> 00:57:22,164
- McDonald called. He saw Hart's anti-
- smoking commercial. He's on his way.
- 806
- 00:57:22,414 --> 00:57:25,877
- Good, perfect. I'd hate for him
- to fire me over the phone.
- 807
- 00:57:26,084 --> 00:57:27,128
- I can't believe this!
- 808
- 00:57:27,335 --> 00:57:28,378
- It'll be ugly.
- 809
- 00:57:28,587 --> 00:57:29,672
- No shit.
- 810
- 00:57:30,130 --> 00:57:32,425
- I gotta do something.
- I'm gonna go do laps.
- 811
- 00:57:32,674 --> 00:57:35,217
- We'll go over tomorrow's assignments.
- 812
- 00:57:35,426 --> 00:57:36,595
- You got it.
- 813
- 00:57:36,803 --> 00:57:38,263
- Hands folded. ..
- 814
- 00:57:38,930 --> 00:57:40,807
- ...ankles crossed.
- 815
- 00:57:41,057 --> 00:57:42,225
- Neck up!
- 816
- 00:57:42,393 --> 00:57:44,394
- And remember, smile.
- 817
- 00:57:44,603 --> 00:57:48,232
- Smilers wear a crown,
- losers wear a frown.
- 818
- 00:57:48,565 --> 00:57:51,234
- I would so love to hurt you right now.
- 819
- 00:57:51,444 --> 00:57:53,987
- As long as you smile.
- 820
- 00:57:54,446 --> 00:57:55,447
- Now....
- 821
- 00:57:55,989 --> 00:57:58,325
- Why is New Jersey called...
- 822
- 00:57:58,575 --> 00:57:59,743
- ...the Garden State?
- 823
- 00:57:59,994 --> 00:58:04,457
- You can't fit "Oil and petrochemical
- refinery state" on a license plate?
- 824
- 00:58:04,664 --> 00:58:07,168
- I don't appreciate your immaturity...
- 825
- 00:58:07,418 --> 00:58:09,336
- ...when I'm working as hard as I am.
- 826
- 00:58:09,545 --> 00:58:13,089
- What's the big deal?
- It's fixed, I'm in the Top Five.
- 827
- 00:58:13,299 --> 00:58:15,218
- Congratulations to me.
- 828
- 00:58:15,426 --> 00:58:20,223
- Is that enough? Have you no pride
- in yourself, in your presentation?
- 829
- 00:58:20,430 --> 00:58:24,352
- I'm an FBI agent, right? I'm not
- a performing monkey in heels.
- 830
- 00:58:24,560 --> 00:58:27,231
- You're also a person,
- and an incomplete one at that!
- 831
- 00:58:27,397 --> 00:58:30,982
- In place of friends and relationships,
- you have sarcasm and a gun.
- 832
- 00:58:31,192 --> 00:58:32,360
- Oh, I have sarcasm?
- 833
- 00:58:32,567 --> 00:58:36,113
- When every word that comes out of your
- mouth is dripping with disdain?
- 834
- 00:58:36,322 --> 00:58:40,826
- That is because I am a miserable,
- grumpy elitist, and that works for me.
- 835
- 00:58:41,077 --> 00:58:43,914
- I don't have relationships
- because I don't want them.
- 836
- 00:58:44,121 --> 00:58:47,625
- And I don't have friends
- because I work 24-7.
- 837
- 00:58:47,875 --> 00:58:51,254
- And you have no idea why I am
- the way that I am.
- 838
- 00:58:51,462 --> 00:58:54,507
- As we're practicing interviews,
- why are you the way you are?
- 839
- 00:58:54,715 --> 00:58:56,467
- None of your damn business.
- 840
- 00:58:56,676 --> 00:58:59,555
- The judges probably have
- never heard that before.
- 841
- 00:58:59,762 --> 00:59:01,682
- We have more to do here.
- 842
- 00:59:03,725 --> 00:59:05,601
- No, we are finished.
- 843
- 00:59:07,061 --> 00:59:08,354
- Finished?
- 844
- 00:59:10,941 --> 00:59:14,194
- - Give me a 20 on Matthews.
- - Be advised he's at the pool.
- 845
- 00:59:17,989 --> 00:59:20,284
- "How do you feel about gun control?"
- 846
- 00:59:20,533 --> 00:59:21,868
- Favorable.
- 847
- 00:59:31,128 --> 00:59:33,755
- Thought I'd let you know
- I was quitting. Take care.
- 848
- 00:59:34,423 --> 00:59:36,300
- Hold on. Wait a minute.
- 849
- 00:59:36,925 --> 00:59:40,053
- - What do you mean?
- - I mean, you got the wrong girl.
- 850
- 00:59:40,262 --> 00:59:41,220
- All right?
- 851
- 00:59:41,430 --> 00:59:42,638
- I do not need this now.
- 852
- 00:59:42,848 --> 00:59:46,560
- That's what I'm saying!
- I'm totally screwing up in there!
- 853
- 00:59:46,810 --> 00:59:49,020
- I don't feel
- like a real agent anymore.
- 854
- 00:59:49,230 --> 00:59:51,732
- I mean, Vic says
- this thing that's so....
- 855
- 00:59:52,317 --> 00:59:55,528
- I don't care what he said, you know?
- I don't care.
- 856
- 00:59:55,695 --> 00:59:57,238
- Because I am the job...
- 857
- 00:59:57,447 --> 01:00:00,032
- ...and I'm okay with that.
- You're the job?
- 858
- 01:00:00,490 --> 01:00:02,618
- Yeah, I'm the job.
- We're all the job.
- 859
- 01:00:02,826 --> 01:00:04,662
- Then what's wrong with me?
- 860
- 01:00:04,870 --> 01:00:08,582
- I date. I know everyone thinks
- I haven't had a date in 10 years.
- 861
- 01:00:08,791 --> 01:00:10,085
- Is that what you think?
- 862
- 01:00:10,918 --> 01:00:12,252
- I think you date.
- 863
- 01:00:12,462 --> 01:00:13,963
- Damn right I do.
- 864
- 01:00:14,465 --> 01:00:16,549
- But both times it was screwed up.
- 865
- 01:00:17,799 --> 01:00:20,094
- I don't even care.
- All I want to do...
- 866
- 01:00:20,344 --> 01:00:22,180
- ...is my job.
- 867
- 01:00:22,430 --> 01:00:25,600
- For the last three days
- I feel like I'm completely lost.
- 868
- 01:00:25,850 --> 01:00:28,603
- I've been waiting five years
- to run my own op.
- 869
- 01:00:28,811 --> 01:00:31,898
- - Would I blow it on the wrong girl?
- - You picked me...
- 870
- 01:00:32,107 --> 01:00:35,067
- ...because I looked good
- and wasn't on maternity leave.
- 871
- 01:00:35,276 --> 01:00:38,320
- No, that's why they let me pick you.
- Know why?
- 872
- 01:00:38,529 --> 01:00:40,239
- - Lost a bet.
- - You're smart...
- 873
- 01:00:40,448 --> 01:00:44,911
- ...and funny and you're easy
- to talk to when you're unarmed.
- 874
- 01:00:45,828 --> 01:00:49,040
- Give yourself a break
- and cut Vic some slack.
- 875
- 01:00:49,249 --> 01:00:51,670
- Because if they see
- what I see, then...
- 876
- 01:00:53,086 --> 01:00:54,295
- ...they'll love you.
- 877
- 01:00:58,299 --> 01:00:59,675
- So, what do you say?
- 878
- 01:01:06,057 --> 01:01:07,392
- I won't let you down.
- 879
- 01:01:07,601 --> 01:01:09,311
- Good, that's what I want to hear.
- 880
- 01:01:09,520 --> 01:01:12,523
- In all honesty, I might let you down.
- 881
- 01:01:12,814 --> 01:01:16,067
- But I'll try my best not to.
- 882
- 01:01:19,279 --> 01:01:20,781
- Do not mess with the dress.
- 883
- 01:01:27,496 --> 01:01:30,123
- Oh, Vic is gonna kill you.
- 884
- 01:01:31,165 --> 01:01:32,793
- You in big trouble.
- 885
- 01:01:33,000 --> 01:01:34,628
- Why? You fell.
- 886
- 01:01:34,837 --> 01:01:36,462
- - You look good wet.
- - Shut up!
- 887
- 01:01:50,394 --> 01:01:53,355
- Whoa, guys, Hart's
- in the dressing room. Come on.
- 888
- 01:01:53,565 --> 01:01:56,693
- - You see the legs on that girl?
- - Who's your daddy?
- 889
- 01:02:12,749 --> 01:02:14,377
- Those better be candy dishes!
- 890
- 01:02:14,918 --> 01:02:15,962
- Turn around.
- 891
- 01:02:18,381 --> 01:02:19,716
- Open.
- 892
- 01:02:21,258 --> 01:02:23,760
- This guy's like an inch from death!
- 893
- 01:02:25,012 --> 01:02:27,140
- But what a way to go!
- 894
- 01:02:27,348 --> 01:02:30,059
- - Break it up. Nothing to see.
- - What do you mean?
- 895
- 01:02:30,435 --> 01:02:32,188
- She's a federal agent.
- 896
- 01:02:35,316 --> 01:02:38,360
- Guess it's time to apply
- at my local Hooters.
- 897
- 01:02:38,777 --> 01:02:42,363
- Hemorrhoid ointment? You think
- the judges will look that closely?
- 898
- 01:02:42,572 --> 01:02:44,782
- It's for the baggies under your eyes.
- 899
- 01:02:45,033 --> 01:02:46,160
- Really?
- 900
- 01:02:47,535 --> 01:02:50,163
- Good, hair spray.
- Finally something I recognize.
- 901
- 01:02:51,206 --> 01:02:52,665
- What are you doing?
- 902
- 01:02:52,832 --> 01:02:55,002
- It stops the suit from riding up.
- 903
- 01:02:55,210 --> 01:02:56,253
- Riding up where?
- 904
- 01:02:56,545 --> 01:02:58,422
- Just up!
- 905
- 01:02:58,631 --> 01:02:59,631
- That's enough!
- 906
- 01:02:59,797 --> 01:03:01,299
- Why do you make things hard?
- 907
- 01:03:01,466 --> 01:03:04,970
- I can see this is an incredibly
- embarrassing situation for you.
- 908
- 01:03:05,221 --> 01:03:08,682
- Why does Georgia get to wear
- a one-piece and I have to wear this?!
- 909
- 01:03:08,933 --> 01:03:12,853
- If you can do this, then you can
- convince anyone that you belong here.
- 910
- 01:03:13,103 --> 01:03:14,648
- Places, everybody! Let's go!
- 911
- 01:03:14,897 --> 01:03:20,235
- The Swimsuit Preliminary accounts
- for 15% of the total score...
- 912
- 01:03:20,486 --> 01:03:24,031
- ...and tests the grace,
- athleticism and poise...
- 913
- 01:03:24,198 --> 01:03:26,700
- ...of each lovely woman.
- 914
- 01:03:27,744 --> 01:03:30,788
- The last time I was naked in public,
- I came out of a uterus.
- 915
- 01:03:30,997 --> 01:03:34,167
- I don't have breasts, my thighs--
- I should wear a muumuu.
- 916
- 01:03:34,375 --> 01:03:36,669
- I have avoided this experience
- all my life.
- 917
- 01:03:36,876 --> 01:03:39,672
- And here it is.
- You must achieve a Zen-like state.
- 918
- 01:03:39,880 --> 01:03:42,466
- Listen to your breathing,
- feel your heart...
- 919
- 01:03:42,675 --> 01:03:44,593
- ...think of the Dalai Lama.
- 920
- 01:04:04,447 --> 01:04:05,782
- Texas!
- 921
- 01:04:10,746 --> 01:04:11,745
- Rhode Island!
- 922
- 01:04:16,834 --> 01:04:18,335
- New Jersey!
- 923
- 01:04:29,556 --> 01:04:32,058
- Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama....
- 924
- 01:04:33,978 --> 01:04:35,270
- New York!
- 925
- 01:04:39,441 --> 01:04:41,026
- California!
- 926
- 01:04:45,113 --> 01:04:47,866
- I would have to say,
- world peace.
- 927
- 01:04:48,158 --> 01:04:50,702
- Definitely, world peace.
- 928
- 01:04:50,994 --> 01:04:53,748
- That's easy. World peace.
- 929
- 01:04:54,079 --> 01:04:55,041
- World peace.
- 930
- 01:04:55,290 --> 01:05:00,087
- What is the one most important thing
- our society needs?
- 931
- 01:05:01,338 --> 01:05:05,593
- That would be harsher punishment
- for parole violators, Stan.
- 932
- 01:05:11,640 --> 01:05:14,893
- And, world peace.
- 933
- 01:05:20,191 --> 01:05:21,651
- Thank you, Gracie Lou.
- 934
- 01:05:21,858 --> 01:05:23,568
- And thank you, Stan.
- 935
- 01:05:25,612 --> 01:05:28,573
- Cheryl Frasier from Rhode Island.
- 936
- 01:05:29,617 --> 01:05:31,744
- That was charming. Are you drunk?
- 937
- 01:05:31,951 --> 01:05:36,248
- Glad you enjoyed it. Now excuse me,
- I have to go unscrew my smile.
- 938
- 01:05:36,625 --> 01:05:38,293
- We got a lead.
- 939
- 01:05:38,501 --> 01:05:40,379
- - The blood test?
- - Photos.
- 940
- 01:05:40,587 --> 01:05:43,630
- Cheryl Frasier, with members
- of a radical animal rights group...
- 941
- 01:05:43,797 --> 01:05:46,258
- - ...involved in bombings.
- - It's always the quiet ones.
- 942
- 01:05:46,467 --> 01:05:49,553
- She fits the profile:
- loner, introverted.
- 943
- 01:05:49,762 --> 01:05:51,389
- That Cheryl?
- 944
- 01:05:51,598 --> 01:05:55,143
- Describe your perfect date.
- 945
- 01:05:56,645 --> 01:05:58,479
- That's a tough one.
- 946
- 01:06:01,232 --> 01:06:04,194
- I'd have to say April 25th...
- 947
- 01:06:04,403 --> 01:06:07,738
- ...because it's not too hot,
- not too cold.
- 948
- 01:06:07,947 --> 01:06:10,535
- All you need is a light jacket.
- 949
- 01:06:12,494 --> 01:06:14,956
- Now, there is a hardened criminal.
- 950
- 01:06:16,456 --> 01:06:20,251
- Maybe she's an accomplice.
- Maybe she's his inside connection.
- 951
- 01:06:20,459 --> 01:06:22,671
- That's what you gotta find out.
- 952
- 01:06:22,837 --> 01:06:23,839
- How?
- 953
- 01:06:24,047 --> 01:06:26,466
- Buddy up to her, you know, girl talk.
- 954
- 01:06:26,675 --> 01:06:28,845
- - Girl talk?
- - Yeah, girl talk.
- 955
- 01:06:30,179 --> 01:06:32,140
- Sorry, I'm totally drawing a blank.
- 956
- 01:06:32,347 --> 01:06:36,976
- Leg waxing, fake orgasms,
- the inability of men to commit.
- 957
- 01:06:37,185 --> 01:06:38,687
- Why don't you talk to her?
- 958
- 01:06:39,938 --> 01:06:43,775
- Imagine she's me and you want to know,
- but I don't want to talk about it.
- 959
- 01:06:43,985 --> 01:06:45,318
- What would you do?
- 960
- 01:06:45,736 --> 01:06:47,320
- You want me to beat her?
- 961
- 01:06:47,905 --> 01:06:48,991
- Why don't you talk to her?
- 962
- 01:06:49,198 --> 01:06:51,491
- Okay, forget about it. I will go.
- 963
- 01:06:52,201 --> 01:06:53,827
- Put that back in your ear.
- 964
- 01:06:54,034 --> 01:06:56,204
- I can't talk girl talk
- with a guy in my head.
- 965
- 01:06:56,371 --> 01:06:58,499
- I can't even do it with me in my head.
- 966
- 01:07:01,377 --> 01:07:02,836
- Girl talk.
- 967
- 01:07:10,845 --> 01:07:12,304
- Oh, my God!
- 968
- 01:07:12,637 --> 01:07:14,932
- Hey, Rhode Island, how you doing?
- 969
- 01:07:15,098 --> 01:07:18,269
- How can you ask that?
- You heard my interview.
- 970
- 01:07:19,060 --> 01:07:21,397
- I was like a female Rain Man.
- 971
- 01:07:21,606 --> 01:07:24,568
- Oh, no, it definitely
- wasn't Rain Man.
- 972
- 01:07:24,735 --> 01:07:26,361
- Definitely not Rain Man.
- 973
- 01:07:26,570 --> 01:07:29,281
- Come and have a midnight snack
- with me and some...
- 974
- 01:07:29,573 --> 01:07:30,865
- ...girl talk.
- 975
- 01:07:31,073 --> 01:07:34,076
- Are you crazy?
- We can't have pizza and beer!
- 976
- 01:07:34,326 --> 01:07:36,996
- Do you know how many calories
- you're talking about?
- 977
- 01:07:37,205 --> 01:07:39,874
- It's light beer and
- she's gonna throw it up anyway.
- 978
- 01:07:40,083 --> 01:07:41,042
- Come on.
- 979
- 01:07:41,375 --> 01:07:43,878
- Come with. No?
- 980
- 01:07:44,128 --> 01:07:45,672
- No takers? No?
- 981
- 01:07:47,299 --> 01:07:49,133
- All right, I'll just...
- 982
- 01:07:49,300 --> 01:07:52,595
- ...sit here. You guys
- go back on your bicycles...
- 983
- 01:07:52,804 --> 01:07:57,059
- ...and I'll sit here with my
- very large, cheesy pizza.
- 984
- 01:07:57,434 --> 01:07:59,436
- Oh, look at all that cheese.
- 985
- 01:08:00,979 --> 01:08:02,899
- Cheryl, don't.
- 986
- 01:08:03,106 --> 01:08:05,358
- At least scrape off the toppings.
- 987
- 01:08:05,568 --> 01:08:09,320
- First step, pizza.
- Second step, flaming batons....
- 988
- 01:08:16,287 --> 01:08:18,747
- I guess we'll be needing more pizza.
- 989
- 01:08:36,474 --> 01:08:38,643
- I want another drink!
- 990
- 01:08:40,145 --> 01:08:41,771
- We're gonna get a drink.
- 991
- 01:08:58,997 --> 01:09:00,999
- Another round, ladies?
- 992
- 01:09:01,790 --> 01:09:04,501
- - I can't do another one!
- - Yes, you can!
- 993
- 01:09:13,136 --> 01:09:14,470
- This is so weird!
- 994
- 01:09:14,679 --> 01:09:17,391
- This is my third one
- and I don't feel a thing!
- 995
- 01:09:17,641 --> 01:09:18,599
- Really?
- 996
- 01:09:18,808 --> 01:09:21,227
- Like when I did my interview question.
- 997
- 01:09:21,436 --> 01:09:23,271
- Don't worry, we all sucked.
- 998
- 01:09:23,605 --> 01:09:27,358
- You know, I had such a good answer
- to that question too.
- 999
- 01:09:27,567 --> 01:09:30,738
- My idea of a perfect date
- would be a man...
- 1000
- 01:09:30,905 --> 01:09:33,157
- ...who takes me to a romantic dinner.
- 1001
- 01:09:33,364 --> 01:09:36,534
- Then we walk along the beach barefoot,
- discussing books...
- 1002
- 01:09:36,701 --> 01:09:39,580
- ...and music and movies!
- 1003
- 01:09:41,206 --> 01:09:42,708
- No wonder you're still a virgin.
- 1004
- 01:09:45,710 --> 01:09:48,212
- Time to paint. Come on.
- 1005
- 01:09:48,422 --> 01:09:49,965
- No, my contacts.
- 1006
- 01:09:51,592 --> 01:09:53,469
- - We'll stay here.
- - I want more pizza.
- 1007
- 01:09:53,677 --> 01:09:56,012
- We're gonna have more pizza and beer.
- 1008
- 01:09:58,390 --> 01:09:59,808
- Have fun!
- 1009
- 01:10:00,183 --> 01:10:03,311
- - This is so much fun.
- - Yeah, it's fun.
- 1010
- 01:10:03,521 --> 01:10:05,606
- It's so fun it should be illegal.
- 1011
- 01:10:05,898 --> 01:10:08,776
- Speaking of illegal,
- have you ever, like...
- 1012
- 01:10:08,943 --> 01:10:10,000
- ...committed a crime?
- 1013
- 01:10:10,000 --> 01:10:10,402
- akumenang.com
- ...committed a crime?
- 1014
- 01:10:10,402 --> 01:10:11,445
- akumenang.com
- 1015
- 01:10:11,445 --> 01:10:12,737
- Yes!
- akumenang.com
- 1016
- 01:10:12,737 --> 01:10:13,906
- akumenang.com
- 1017
- 01:10:13,906 --> 01:10:15,532
- Yes, I did.
- akumenang.com
- 1018
- 01:10:15,532 --> 01:10:17,743
- akumenang.com
- 1019
- 01:10:17,743 --> 01:10:18,911
- Go on.
- akumenang.com
- 1020
- 01:10:18,911 --> 01:10:20,454
- akumenang.com
- 1021
- 01:10:20,454 --> 01:10:22,000
- One time I stole red underwear
- from the department store.
- akumenang.com
- 1022
- 01:10:22,000 --> 01:10:23,916
- One time I stole red underwear
- from the department store.
- 1023
- 01:10:24,166 --> 01:10:25,960
- My mother wouldn't buy them!
- 1024
- 01:10:26,169 --> 01:10:28,880
- She said they were Satan's panties.
- 1025
- 01:10:31,590 --> 01:10:33,759
- - So is that it?
- - Yeah.
- 1026
- 01:10:33,968 --> 01:10:37,221
- Oh, there was
- this one thing in college...
- 1027
- 01:10:37,429 --> 01:10:39,390
- ...with my Lit professor.
- 1028
- 01:10:39,598 --> 01:10:44,604
- One day I came to his office. He said
- he wanted to discuss a paper I wrote.
- 1029
- 01:10:45,480 --> 01:10:47,941
- He wanted to discuss a paper, right?
- 1030
- 01:10:48,148 --> 01:10:50,944
- Hey, can I get another
- one of these tubie things?
- 1031
- 01:10:51,110 --> 01:10:53,112
- Yeah, can we get another tubie?
- 1032
- 01:10:54,155 --> 01:10:56,282
- Anyway, he attacked me.
- 1033
- 01:10:58,951 --> 01:11:01,413
- Cheryl, did you report him?
- 1034
- 01:11:01,622 --> 01:11:04,791
- No, I never told anyone before this.
- 1035
- 01:11:05,000 --> 01:11:07,293
- I know that happens all the time.
- 1036
- 01:11:07,501 --> 01:11:09,796
- No, it doesn't! Cheryl, it doesn't.
- 1037
- 01:11:10,005 --> 01:11:12,882
- There are so many maneuvers
- that I could show you.
- 1038
- 01:11:13,091 --> 01:11:14,217
- Really?
- 1039
- 01:11:14,426 --> 01:11:16,679
- Yeah! Come on, get up.
- 1040
- 01:11:18,763 --> 01:11:20,932
- I want you to firmly plant your feet.
- 1041
- 01:11:21,142 --> 01:11:22,809
- I'm gonna move the chair.
- 1042
- 01:11:23,019 --> 01:11:24,853
- Now if someone comes at you--
- 1043
- 01:11:32,027 --> 01:11:34,363
- She's completely trashed.
- 1044
- 01:11:34,571 --> 01:11:37,908
- We should get her back
- before Miss Morningside finds out.
- 1045
- 01:11:38,116 --> 01:11:40,995
- Kathy's got a boot up her ass
- about something.
- 1046
- 01:11:41,162 --> 01:11:44,081
- I don't think she ever
- got over those rumors.
- 1047
- 01:11:44,247 --> 01:11:45,415
- Come again?
- 1048
- 01:11:45,623 --> 01:11:47,584
- Her pageant years
- she was a runner-up.
- 1049
- 01:11:47,792 --> 01:11:50,754
- But then the winner mysteriously
- got food poisoning.
- 1050
- 01:11:50,963 --> 01:11:52,173
- Bizarro!
- 1051
- 01:11:52,380 --> 01:11:55,843
- No, Stan told me she got a letter
- a few weeks back from the network...
- 1052
- 01:11:56,010 --> 01:11:58,471
- ...and they're firing her too!
- 1053
- 01:11:58,679 --> 01:12:01,806
- She threw a chair out the window!
- 1054
- 01:12:03,224 --> 01:12:04,977
- We gotta go. Come on.
- 1055
- 01:12:05,311 --> 01:12:07,856
- I got 20 people here
- waiting for confirmation.
- 1056
- 01:12:13,653 --> 01:12:15,905
- Don't tell me I don't understand.
- 1057
- 01:12:16,114 --> 01:12:18,241
- I hate when I don't see
- a wet paint sign.
- 1058
- 01:12:18,406 --> 01:12:19,574
- Stop it. Listen.
- 1059
- 01:12:19,741 --> 01:12:23,245
- - Can't hear you, took out my earpiece.
- - I have a lead and it's not Cheryl.
- 1060
- 01:12:23,411 --> 01:12:25,831
- Forget it. They bagged the Citizen.
- 1061
- 01:12:26,208 --> 01:12:27,708
- What? Where?
- 1062
- 01:12:28,334 --> 01:12:29,960
- It's confirmed.
- 1063
- 01:12:30,252 --> 01:12:32,379
- He was holing up in a shack in Nevada.
- 1064
- 01:12:32,923 --> 01:12:35,258
- Place had enough C4
- to make a new Grand Canyon.
- 1065
- 01:12:35,508 --> 01:12:37,343
- Let's pack up and get out of here.
- 1066
- 01:12:38,762 --> 01:12:41,722
- Sir, I need to talk to you.
- One second of your time.
- 1067
- 01:12:42,306 --> 01:12:43,892
- Hear me out a second.
- 1068
- 01:12:44,100 --> 01:12:48,314
- I feel the situation bears further
- scrutiny and our continued presence.
- 1069
- 01:12:48,522 --> 01:12:51,775
- Do you have paint in your ears?
- We caught the guy!
- 1070
- 01:12:51,942 --> 01:12:54,985
- I respect what you're saying.
- I'd say the same to me...
- 1071
- 01:12:55,151 --> 01:12:57,114
- ...but what if we were wrong?
- 1072
- 01:12:57,655 --> 01:13:01,034
- What if the Citizen didn't send it?
- What if it was a copycat?
- 1073
- 01:13:01,909 --> 01:13:04,329
- The letter didn't follow
- the normal pattern.
- 1074
- 01:13:04,496 --> 01:13:06,666
- The linguistic scheme
- was uncharacteristic...
- 1075
- 01:13:06,957 --> 01:13:09,292
- ...and the DNA said it was a woman!
- 1076
- 01:13:09,794 --> 01:13:12,670
- Maybe he got his girlfriend
- to lick the envelope.
- 1077
- 01:13:12,837 --> 01:13:15,173
- I think we have reason
- to monitor Morningside.
- 1078
- 01:13:15,339 --> 01:13:18,760
- Why don't you jump on her
- dressed like a Bavarian fruitcake?
- 1079
- 01:13:18,968 --> 01:13:21,680
- You're the reason I had
- to drag myself down here...
- 1080
- 01:13:21,889 --> 01:13:24,141
- ...and I don't want to hear anymore!
- 1081
- 01:13:24,267 --> 01:13:27,102
- You're absolutely right, sir.
- Not another damn word.
- 1082
- 01:13:27,310 --> 01:13:28,312
- Thank you.
- 1083
- 01:13:28,771 --> 01:13:31,940
- But she's getting fired this year,
- which she didn't tell us.
- 1084
- 01:13:32,107 --> 01:13:35,110
- You're already in enough
- trouble with the review board.
- 1085
- 01:13:35,318 --> 01:13:38,905
- Yeah, but when she was in the pageant,
- the only reason she won was...
- 1086
- 01:13:39,157 --> 01:13:42,909
- ...because the winner got
- food poisoning. How bizarro is that?
- 1087
- 01:13:43,076 --> 01:13:44,327
- "Bizarro"?
- 1088
- 01:13:44,579 --> 01:13:48,332
- She threatened me. According to Mary
- Jo, she has a history of violence.
- 1089
- 01:13:48,541 --> 01:13:49,791
- Who is Mary Jo?
- 1090
- 01:13:49,999 --> 01:13:52,628
- Are you getting your information
- from a pajama party?
- 1091
- 01:13:52,836 --> 01:13:54,213
- Would you shut up?
- 1092
- 01:13:54,463 --> 01:13:56,632
- You're shutting up enough
- for both of us.
- 1093
- 01:13:58,009 --> 01:14:00,261
- Is there any reason
- to suspect Morningside?
- 1094
- 01:14:07,268 --> 01:14:08,268
- No, sir.
- 1095
- 01:14:12,231 --> 01:14:13,274
- There.
- 1096
- 01:14:13,483 --> 01:14:16,695
- I request permission to stay
- with a small contingent.
- 1097
- 01:14:16,944 --> 01:14:17,695
- Denied.
- 1098
- 01:14:17,945 --> 01:14:20,489
- Then I request permission
- to stay alone.
- 1099
- 01:14:20,699 --> 01:14:25,077
- You know what, I don't care
- what you do. You want to stay, stay!
- 1100
- 01:14:25,286 --> 01:14:28,623
- But as a private citizen.
- Turn in your badge and your gun.
- 1101
- 01:14:29,332 --> 01:14:32,084
- Everybody, I suggest we start packing.
- 1102
- 01:14:35,880 --> 01:14:36,965
- What?
- 1103
- 01:14:37,216 --> 01:14:39,343
- Don't look at me like I betrayed you.
- 1104
- 01:14:39,551 --> 01:14:41,470
- Betrayal implies action.
- You stood there.
- 1105
- 01:14:41,719 --> 01:14:43,262
- You got nothing to go on.
- 1106
- 01:14:43,471 --> 01:14:45,598
- I know everyone thinks I'm a screwup.
- 1107
- 01:14:45,807 --> 01:14:49,353
- But I feel like I'm in the right
- place at the right time.
- 1108
- 01:14:49,603 --> 01:14:52,648
- I have to protect those girls.
- It is my job.
- 1109
- 01:14:52,856 --> 01:14:54,232
- Part of it is following orders.
- 1110
- 01:14:54,441 --> 01:14:58,236
- The other part is using your brain.
- Throw out the rule book--
- 1111
- 01:14:58,446 --> 01:15:01,573
- I like the book. I like knowing
- what I can and cannot do.
- 1112
- 01:15:01,740 --> 01:15:03,908
- You're not the only one who lives
- for the job.
- 1113
- 01:15:04,076 --> 01:15:07,163
- I want to keep mine
- for the next 20 or 30 years.
- 1114
- 01:15:08,329 --> 01:15:09,915
- Jesus, Hart.
- 1115
- 01:15:10,082 --> 01:15:11,375
- Give it a rest.
- 1116
- 01:15:11,584 --> 01:15:13,335
- Sure, give it a rest.
- 1117
- 01:15:15,338 --> 01:15:16,631
- What are you doing?
- 1118
- 01:15:18,216 --> 01:15:19,675
- Don't do it.
- 1119
- 01:16:02,802 --> 01:16:04,178
- Thank you.
- 1120
- 01:16:05,178 --> 01:16:07,348
- Thank you so much.
- 1121
- 01:16:09,101 --> 01:16:10,852
- I can't believe it!
- 1122
- 01:16:14,355 --> 01:16:15,732
- Hi, Mom.
- 1123
- 01:16:16,774 --> 01:16:18,318
- Don't do that!
- 1124
- 01:16:18,485 --> 01:16:22,822
- That slow, creepy thing in the shadows.
- Your father used to do that.
- 1125
- 01:16:23,032 --> 01:16:24,073
- Mom.
- 1126
- 01:16:26,576 --> 01:16:28,078
- This isn't gonna work.
- 1127
- 01:16:28,746 --> 01:16:31,247
- Why, of course it's going to work.
- 1128
- 01:16:31,414 --> 01:16:34,584
- The feds caught the Citizen.
- We have no one to pin it on!
- 1129
- 01:16:34,877 --> 01:16:36,170
- Okay, that was bad luck.
- 1130
- 01:16:36,420 --> 01:16:40,674
- But what about all these other letters
- from terrorist groups threatening us?
- 1131
- 01:16:40,882 --> 01:16:42,468
- "Women's Liberation Front."
- 1132
- 01:16:42,759 --> 01:16:46,138
- "Islamic Jihad." They're not so nuts
- about the Swimsuit Competition.
- 1133
- 01:16:46,347 --> 01:16:48,682
- Any one of these
- could have planted a bomb.
- 1134
- 01:16:48,932 --> 01:16:50,642
- When did we get those?
- 1135
- 01:16:51,017 --> 01:16:53,354
- I just finished writing them.
- 1136
- 01:16:53,561 --> 01:16:55,647
- Just like the Citizen letter.
- 1137
- 01:16:56,690 --> 01:16:57,982
- You're a genius.
- 1138
- 01:16:58,149 --> 01:17:00,735
- No, Frank. I'm just pissed off.
- 1139
- 01:17:00,945 --> 01:17:03,238
- Nobody fires me and gets away with it.
- 1140
- 01:17:03,447 --> 01:17:05,616
- They want a newer, hotter show...
- 1141
- 01:17:05,867 --> 01:17:06,910
- ...they're gonna get it.
- 1142
- 01:17:07,533 --> 01:17:09,203
- Mom, you're a little scary.
- 1143
- 01:17:09,410 --> 01:17:10,996
- And you're a little bit sloppy.
- 1144
- 01:17:11,205 --> 01:17:14,042
- Tuck your shirt.
- I don't want to tell you again.
- 1145
- 01:17:15,208 --> 01:17:16,293
- Let's go home, honey.
- 1146
- 01:17:17,044 --> 01:17:18,046
- Mom?
- 1147
- 01:17:19,172 --> 01:17:20,465
- Oops.
- 1148
- 01:17:39,651 --> 01:17:41,735
- - Need a hand, boss?
- - I got it.
- 1149
- 01:17:48,910 --> 01:17:51,120
- Okay, Vic. Beautify me.
- 1150
- 01:17:51,287 --> 01:17:55,291
- Hair, makeup, shellac, whatever
- it is you do. That shiny stuff--
- 1151
- 01:17:55,458 --> 01:17:56,792
- Where are you going?
- 1152
- 01:17:57,002 --> 01:18:01,296
- Your Agent McDonald insists that I
- depart, or I won't be compensated.
- 1153
- 01:18:01,631 --> 01:18:04,425
- No. After the Top 10!
- I am completely on my own.
- 1154
- 01:18:04,634 --> 01:18:07,179
- The FBI is gone, it's not fixed.
- I need you!
- 1155
- 01:18:07,387 --> 01:18:09,431
- Not anymore. The cocoon is open.
- 1156
- 01:18:09,681 --> 01:18:12,642
- I've taken a woman
- without a smidgen of estrogen...
- 1157
- 01:18:12,852 --> 01:18:14,477
- ...and made her a lady.
- 1158
- 01:18:14,687 --> 01:18:17,273
- - Come on.
- - I've never been prouder of myself.
- 1159
- 01:18:18,691 --> 01:18:19,816
- Or...
- 1160
- 01:18:21,359 --> 01:18:23,778
- ...of any girl I have ever coached.
- 1161
- 01:18:24,780 --> 01:18:26,531
- You are truly unique.
- 1162
- 01:18:27,366 --> 01:18:31,704
- If I ever had a daughter,
- I imagine that she would be...
- 1163
- 01:18:32,162 --> 01:18:33,455
- ...something like you.
- 1164
- 01:18:35,791 --> 01:18:37,459
- Which is why I never reproduced.
- 1165
- 01:18:39,544 --> 01:18:42,923
- I have a really strong feeling
- something will happen to these girls.
- 1166
- 01:18:43,174 --> 01:18:44,799
- You need to stay for me. Please.
- 1167
- 01:18:45,050 --> 01:18:46,385
- I can't.
- 1168
- 01:18:46,969 --> 01:18:50,139
- But I can leave you this.
- I was saving it for tonight.
- 1169
- 01:18:50,389 --> 01:18:52,808
- It's your size, I believe.
- 1170
- 01:18:53,310 --> 01:18:55,060
- Good luck to you, Gracie Lou.
- 1171
- 01:19:00,648 --> 01:19:02,359
- It's been a privilege.
- 1172
- 01:19:21,378 --> 01:19:23,005
- No insults today?
- 1173
- 01:19:23,215 --> 01:19:24,548
- You're a Don Ho.
- 1174
- 01:19:24,716 --> 01:19:28,178
- Has anyone seen Gracie? I can't
- believe she missed dress rehearsal.
- 1175
- 01:19:28,427 --> 01:19:31,847
- Maybe she couldn't take the pressure.
- She ate four slices last night.
- 1176
- 01:19:32,056 --> 01:19:37,228
- We all saw her glasses performance.
- She is not making the Top 10!
- 1177
- 01:19:38,271 --> 01:19:40,231
- I overslept my beauty sleep.
- 1178
- 01:19:40,440 --> 01:19:43,151
- - Do you need help?
- - No, I'm fine.
- 1179
- 01:19:43,693 --> 01:19:45,946
- I wonder which one of these...
- 1180
- 01:19:46,280 --> 01:19:47,656
- ...is lipstick.
- 1181
- 01:19:51,075 --> 01:19:52,034
- Ladies!
- 1182
- 01:20:15,141 --> 01:20:17,936
- Good luck, ladies! Keep it moving.
- Let's go!
- 1183
- 01:20:18,144 --> 01:20:19,229
- Looking good, ladies.
- 1184
- 01:20:19,396 --> 01:20:21,732
- Will you go back to the mothership?
- 1185
- 01:20:21,982 --> 01:20:23,568
- As long as you go with me, Tex-Ass.
- 1186
- 01:20:23,818 --> 01:20:26,945
- Let's go, Pennsylvania,
- New Jersey, Texas....
- 1187
- 01:20:27,611 --> 01:20:30,115
- I can't open the goddamn bottle.
- 1188
- 01:20:31,617 --> 01:20:33,785
- Have a good show. You guys excited?
- 1189
- 01:20:40,835 --> 01:20:41,962
- Where are you going?
- 1190
- 01:20:42,169 --> 01:20:44,588
- I forgot my breasts.
- Hold on, I'll be back.
- 1191
- 01:20:50,427 --> 01:20:51,679
- Going live.
- 1192
- 01:20:51,929 --> 01:20:54,974
- In five, four, three....
- 1193
- 01:20:55,308 --> 01:20:58,519
- It's the 75th Annual
- Miss United States Pageant. ..
- 1194
- 01:20:58,770 --> 01:21:02,315
- ...live from San Antonio, Texas!
- 1195
- 01:21:13,492 --> 01:21:16,037
- Good. That's the one I use at home.
- 1196
- 01:23:11,779 --> 01:23:14,574
- And your host for the evening,
- Stan Fields!
- 1197
- 01:23:14,824 --> 01:23:17,410
- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
- 1198
- 01:23:17,577 --> 01:23:22,249
- And welcome to a night of beauty,
- talent and poise.
- 1199
- 01:23:22,458 --> 01:23:24,877
- I'm not just talking
- about my cohost...
- 1200
- 01:23:25,127 --> 01:23:27,670
- ...Kathy Morningside!
- 1201
- 01:23:30,591 --> 01:23:33,342
- - Hello, Kathy.
- - Stan, you charmer.
- 1202
- 01:23:33,552 --> 01:23:36,888
- But you forgot to mention
- "incredible intelligence."
- 1203
- 01:23:37,055 --> 01:23:40,100
- That was incredibly stupid of me.
- How can I make it up?
- 1204
- 01:23:40,349 --> 01:23:42,686
- By helping me to announce
- the Top 10...
- 1205
- 01:23:42,979 --> 01:23:47,064
- ...chosen based on their performance
- during the preliminaries this week.
- 1206
- 01:23:47,315 --> 01:23:48,817
- Here's the envelope.
- 1207
- 01:23:48,984 --> 01:23:52,112
- Thank you, Scott.
- Ladies, hold your breath.
- 1208
- 01:23:54,990 --> 01:23:56,450
- Hawaii!
- 1209
- 01:23:56,658 --> 01:23:59,870
- And we're following.
- Come in for that reaction.
- 1210
- 01:24:01,372 --> 01:24:03,290
- - Go to two.
- - Going to two.
- 1211
- 01:24:03,457 --> 01:24:05,043
- California!
- 1212
- 01:24:07,294 --> 01:24:08,545
- New York!
- 1213
- 01:24:11,923 --> 01:24:13,051
- Alaska!
- 1214
- 01:24:15,887 --> 01:24:17,472
- Texas!
- 1215
- 01:24:25,104 --> 01:24:26,939
- New Jersey!
- 1216
- 01:24:31,820 --> 01:24:32,654
- Oh, shit!
- 1217
- 01:24:34,322 --> 01:24:35,657
- That was graceful.
- 1218
- 01:24:35,782 --> 01:24:37,450
- That must have hurt.
- 1219
- 01:24:37,867 --> 01:24:39,953
- But she's up and at it.
- 1220
- 01:24:46,167 --> 01:24:49,338
- And last but not least, Rhode Island.
- 1221
- 01:24:54,092 --> 01:24:57,970
- And there they are!
- This year's Top 10 finalists.
- 1222
- 01:25:01,056 --> 01:25:02,976
- The Top 10 have been chosen.
- 1223
- 01:25:03,185 --> 01:25:06,896
- We'll be right back with tonight's
- Swimsuit Competition.
- 1224
- 01:25:13,736 --> 01:25:15,947
- I checked out Kathy Morningside.
- 1225
- 01:25:16,154 --> 01:25:18,491
- - Anything?
- - Not even a traffic ticket.
- 1226
- 01:25:18,658 --> 01:25:23,288
- Model citizen. Beauty contestant,
- pageant director, loving mom.
- 1227
- 01:25:23,497 --> 01:25:25,790
- - She's married?
- - Widow. One son.
- 1228
- 01:25:25,958 --> 01:25:29,044
- A sniveling, obsequious
- weasel of a human being.
- 1229
- 01:25:30,087 --> 01:25:33,214
- - You know her son?
- - So do you. It's Frank.
- 1230
- 01:25:33,465 --> 01:25:36,218
- - Her assistant?
- - Asshole Frank?
- 1231
- 01:25:36,343 --> 01:25:37,344
- One and the same.
- 1232
- 01:25:37,552 --> 01:25:40,514
- She never mentioned anything.
- Anything come up on the CCH?
- 1233
- 01:25:40,723 --> 01:25:42,141
- Nothing on Frank Tobin.
- 1234
- 01:25:42,350 --> 01:25:44,518
- There wouldn't be.
- His name is Morningside.
- 1235
- 01:25:44,685 --> 01:25:47,563
- He changed it to cover
- his many indiscretions.
- 1236
- 01:25:48,355 --> 01:25:50,025
- Wait. How do you know that?
- 1237
- 01:25:50,858 --> 01:25:53,359
- I've been around this pageant
- for many years.
- 1238
- 01:25:53,569 --> 01:25:56,822
- I could shock you with the intimate
- details I'm privy to.
- 1239
- 01:26:13,881 --> 01:26:15,759
- Good job! Good job
- 1240
- 01:26:23,975 --> 01:26:25,353
- I got you something.
- 1241
- 01:26:28,520 --> 01:26:29,689
- I couldn't--
- 1242
- 01:26:29,898 --> 01:26:32,524
- You ate pizza, you stole panties,
- you're wild.
- 1243
- 01:26:32,691 --> 01:26:34,653
- We worked on this, remember?
- 1244
- 01:26:35,445 --> 01:26:36,738
- You're gonna be great.
- 1245
- 01:26:43,995 --> 01:26:46,455
- - Can I see your ticket?
- - Federal officer.
- 1246
- 01:26:47,248 --> 01:26:48,792
- I'm with him.
- 1247
- 01:27:20,991 --> 01:27:22,702
- Gentlemen, you can't go in--
- 1248
- 01:27:22,951 --> 01:27:23,953
- Victor!
- 1249
- 01:27:24,953 --> 01:27:26,287
- He's with me.
- 1250
- 01:27:27,665 --> 01:27:29,916
- Wait. I'm not "with him" with him.
- 1251
- 01:27:30,126 --> 01:27:31,752
- Come on, muffin.
- 1252
- 01:27:45,808 --> 01:27:49,354
- Thank you! She certainly lit my fire.
- 1253
- 01:27:51,023 --> 01:27:53,358
- Now you can wear Satan's panties!
- 1254
- 01:28:02,908 --> 01:28:04,869
- - Hey, Hart.
- - What are you doing here?
- 1255
- 01:28:05,119 --> 01:28:08,790
- I think you might have been right.
- Frank is Kathy Morningside's son.
- 1256
- 01:28:08,999 --> 01:28:10,541
- Disgusting, perverted Frank?
- 1257
- 01:28:10,792 --> 01:28:13,085
- He cleared under another name.
- I ran a new CCH.
- 1258
- 01:28:13,295 --> 01:28:15,755
- DUI, assault, even a weapons charge.
- 1259
- 01:28:16,005 --> 01:28:17,423
- Are we doing full deployment?
- 1260
- 01:28:17,590 --> 01:28:20,342
- McDonald didn't want to hear about it.
- It's just us.
- 1261
- 01:28:23,472 --> 01:28:25,265
- Good show, Mr. Tobin.
- 1262
- 01:28:33,106 --> 01:28:35,233
- You're up next, New Jersey.
- 1263
- 01:28:35,442 --> 01:28:36,984
- I gotta get my glasses.
- 1264
- 01:28:38,653 --> 01:28:40,863
- Hey! You're drinking my talent!
- 1265
- 01:28:41,114 --> 01:28:43,200
- You got to make it into the Top Five!
- 1266
- 01:28:43,451 --> 01:28:45,077
- - Can you whistle?
- - No!
- 1267
- 01:28:45,328 --> 01:28:47,288
- - Make hand puppets?
- - No!
- 1268
- 01:28:47,455 --> 01:28:49,539
- I had a girl who rearranged furniture.
- 1269
- 01:28:49,791 --> 01:28:52,249
- You said all I have
- is sarcasm and a gun.
- 1270
- 01:28:52,417 --> 01:28:54,126
- That and a right hook.
- 1271
- 01:28:55,045 --> 01:29:00,009
- And now, the musical stylings
- of Gracie Lou Freebush.
- 1272
- 01:29:04,430 --> 01:29:05,389
- Good evening.
- 1273
- 01:29:05,598 --> 01:29:09,476
- The program says I'm supposed to play
- the water glasses for you...
- 1274
- 01:29:09,684 --> 01:29:11,185
- ...but the girls got dehydrated.
- 1275
- 01:29:12,896 --> 01:29:13,981
- No water glasses?
- 1276
- 01:29:14,856 --> 01:29:16,858
- You want me to go to a commercial?
- 1277
- 01:29:17,026 --> 01:29:19,403
- No, stay on her. Go with it.
- 1278
- 01:29:19,612 --> 01:29:23,991
- I believe no woman should be without
- a basic knowledge of self-defense.
- 1279
- 01:29:24,158 --> 01:29:28,287
- So in order to show you this,
- I'm gonna need a little help.
- 1280
- 01:29:28,787 --> 01:29:32,625
- I would like to bring out
- my assistant, Eric Bob.
- 1281
- 01:29:36,838 --> 01:29:39,758
- More changes?
- Follow her. Stay on her.
- 1282
- 01:29:39,924 --> 01:29:42,803
- --how to inflict damage
- with the least amount offorce.
- 1283
- 01:29:43,344 --> 01:29:48,641
- In some cases, your attacker might
- come at you in a frontal assault.
- 1284
- 01:29:55,064 --> 01:29:56,984
- Use the heel of your hand and thrust.
- 1285
- 01:29:57,233 --> 01:30:00,821
- This will cause the nose to break
- and your assailant's eyes to tear...
- 1286
- 01:30:01,028 --> 01:30:02,656
- ...giving you a chance to get away.
- 1287
- 01:30:02,822 --> 01:30:06,826
- All right. Let's say your assailant
- comes at you from behind.
- 1288
- 01:30:12,290 --> 01:30:13,876
- Attack me!
- 1289
- 01:30:15,752 --> 01:30:18,504
- Little Eric looks a little scared.
- 1290
- 01:30:21,757 --> 01:30:24,178
- Maybe he needs a little applause.
- 1291
- 01:30:40,694 --> 01:30:42,404
- She's kicking his ass!
- 1292
- 01:30:44,699 --> 01:30:46,325
- You were the best queen ever.
- 1293
- 01:30:46,492 --> 01:30:48,661
- Thank you, that is so sweet.
- 1294
- 01:30:48,869 --> 01:30:51,496
- Ladies, give Lori
- some room to breathe.
- 1295
- 01:30:51,664 --> 01:30:53,123
- Go on, now.
- 1296
- 01:30:53,457 --> 01:30:55,043
- You need some powder.
- 1297
- 01:30:55,292 --> 01:30:57,251
- You don't have to hold
- the crown all night.
- 1298
- 01:30:57,419 --> 01:30:59,923
- My God, that is disgraceful.
- 1299
- 01:31:00,088 --> 01:31:01,089
- Frank!
- 1300
- 01:31:01,381 --> 01:31:04,718
- Take this to the prop master.
- See if you can't get it to shine.
- 1301
- 01:31:04,928 --> 01:31:08,848
- If all else fails, go for the four
- sensitive areas of the body.
- 1302
- 01:31:09,057 --> 01:31:10,725
- But just remember to "sing."
- 1303
- 01:31:10,933 --> 01:31:12,894
- S-I-N-G.
- 1304
- 01:31:16,856 --> 01:31:18,775
- Solar plexus, Instep...
- 1305
- 01:31:18,983 --> 01:31:21,026
- ...Nose, Groin!
- 1306
- 01:31:22,319 --> 01:31:23,487
- Sing.
- 1307
- 01:31:30,912 --> 01:31:32,372
- Cue Stan.
- 1308
- 01:31:35,582 --> 01:31:37,377
- Welcome to the Garden State!
- 1309
- 01:31:37,584 --> 01:31:42,632
- When we return, we'll find out
- who those lucky Final Five are.
- 1310
- 01:31:45,093 --> 01:31:46,595
- Let's go find Frank.
- 1311
- 01:31:46,803 --> 01:31:48,556
- Take left. I'll take this side.
- 1312
- 01:31:48,764 --> 01:31:50,432
- No. Evening gown, now.
- 1313
- 01:31:59,190 --> 01:32:01,526
- Ladies! In one moment,
- five of you...
- 1314
- 01:32:01,776 --> 01:32:04,029
- ...will be one step
- closer to the crown.
- 1315
- 01:32:05,573 --> 01:32:08,033
- And one of those five...
- 1316
- 01:32:08,449 --> 01:32:09,784
- ...is...
- 1317
- 01:32:12,328 --> 01:32:13,454
- ...California!
- 1318
- 01:32:16,250 --> 01:32:18,001
- Leslie Williams is a music major.
- 1319
- 01:32:18,210 --> 01:32:22,047
- She believes in the healing power
- of music. Loves opera, reggae...
- 1320
- 01:32:22,256 --> 01:32:25,927
- ...and, like any true California girl,
- the Beach Boys.
- 1321
- 01:32:27,302 --> 01:32:28,803
- Rhode Island!
- 1322
- 01:32:29,887 --> 01:32:32,891
- Cheryl Frasier is a science major.
- Her field is...
- 1323
- 01:32:33,099 --> 01:32:37,229
- ...nuclear fission with a minor
- in elementary particles.
- 1324
- 01:32:39,190 --> 01:32:40,524
- Nebraska!
- 1325
- 01:32:41,610 --> 01:32:45,194
- For Kelly Beth Kelly,
- all the world is a stage.
- 1326
- 01:32:45,529 --> 01:32:47,448
- A theater major...
- 1327
- 01:32:47,655 --> 01:32:51,660
- ...she helps run a drama program
- for underprivileged children.
- 1328
- 01:32:52,202 --> 01:32:53,705
- New Jersey!
- 1329
- 01:32:54,831 --> 01:32:58,543
- Gracie Lou Freebush hopes
- to become a pediatrician.
- 1330
- 01:32:58,751 --> 01:33:01,046
- Gracie, it's you. Go!
- 1331
- 01:33:01,254 --> 01:33:05,591
- Her hobbies include figure skating,
- water ballet...
- 1332
- 01:33:05,758 --> 01:33:08,762
- ...and taking long,
- luxurious bubble baths.
- 1333
- 01:33:10,930 --> 01:33:12,641
- You go, Gracie Lou.
- 1334
- 01:33:13,265 --> 01:33:15,769
- And our fifth finalist:
- 1335
- 01:33:16,019 --> 01:33:17,937
- Texas!
- 1336
- 01:33:18,688 --> 01:33:21,316
- Mary Jo Wright is a psychology major.
- 1337
- 01:33:21,523 --> 01:33:24,818
- In her spare time,
- she works in a homeless shelter...
- 1338
- 01:33:25,028 --> 01:33:26,613
- ...and eats Mexican food.
- 1339
- 01:33:28,323 --> 01:33:31,994
- Thank you, ladies.
- You were magnificent.
- 1340
- 01:33:37,166 --> 01:33:39,292
- I want all the lesbians to know...
- 1341
- 01:33:39,500 --> 01:33:41,795
- ...if I can make it to the Top 10,
- so can you!
- 1342
- 01:33:42,045 --> 01:33:43,797
- Big out to Brooklyn! Yo!
- 1343
- 01:33:44,547 --> 01:33:45,799
- Get her off of there!
- 1344
- 01:33:46,049 --> 01:33:47,384
- Go to Stan!
- 1345
- 01:33:48,300 --> 01:33:50,095
- Tina, I love you, baby!
- 1346
- 01:33:50,262 --> 01:33:52,597
- I love you, Karen!
- 1347
- 01:33:57,685 --> 01:34:02,232
- And we'll be right back with our
- final five lesbians. Interviews.
- 1348
- 01:34:02,440 --> 01:34:05,611
- Bumper. Commercial.
- Can we say "lesbians"?
- 1349
- 01:34:05,819 --> 01:34:07,488
- You got a problem with that?
- 1350
- 01:34:08,322 --> 01:34:12,159
- In a way, America is like a big ship.
- 1351
- 01:34:12,452 --> 01:34:15,621
- When we work together
- and respect each other...
- 1352
- 01:34:15,870 --> 01:34:18,498
- ...that's when the ship
- gets safely home.
- 1353
- 01:34:19,542 --> 01:34:21,126
- Terrific answer.
- 1354
- 01:34:21,460 --> 01:34:22,461
- Damn it.
- 1355
- 01:34:25,423 --> 01:34:26,674
- New Jersey.
- 1356
- 01:34:27,008 --> 01:34:29,969
- As you may know,
- there are many who consider...
- 1357
- 01:34:30,177 --> 01:34:35,349
- ...the Miss United States pageant
- to be outdated and antifeminist.
- 1358
- 01:34:35,640 --> 01:34:37,393
- What would you say to them?
- 1359
- 01:34:37,643 --> 01:34:39,019
- Oh, my God.
- 1360
- 01:34:39,228 --> 01:34:42,399
- I would have to say,
- I used to be one of them.
- 1361
- 01:34:44,567 --> 01:34:46,861
- And then I came here...
- 1362
- 01:34:47,070 --> 01:34:48,696
- ...and I realized that...
- 1363
- 01:34:48,904 --> 01:34:53,451
- ...these women are smart,
- terrific people...
- 1364
- 01:34:53,659 --> 01:34:58,289
- ...who are just trying to make
- a difference in the world.
- 1365
- 01:34:59,415 --> 01:35:01,917
- We've become really good friends.
- 1366
- 01:35:02,878 --> 01:35:07,300
- I know we all secretly hope the other
- one will trip and fall on her face--
- 1367
- 01:35:08,258 --> 01:35:10,926
- Wait a minute!
- I've already done that!
- 1368
- 01:35:15,890 --> 01:35:20,103
- For me, this experience has been
- one of the most rewarding...
- 1369
- 01:35:21,521 --> 01:35:24,232
- ...and liberating experiences
- of my life.
- 1370
- 01:35:27,194 --> 01:35:28,820
- My God.
- 1371
- 01:35:29,529 --> 01:35:30,781
- I did it.
- 1372
- 01:35:33,909 --> 01:35:35,203
- And if anyone...
- 1373
- 01:35:35,660 --> 01:35:36,995
- ...anyone...
- 1374
- 01:35:37,454 --> 01:35:39,664
- ...tries to hurt one
- of my new friends...
- 1375
- 01:35:40,124 --> 01:35:41,666
- ...I would take them out.
- 1376
- 01:35:42,335 --> 01:35:45,754
- I would make them suffer so much,
- they'd wish they were never born.
- 1377
- 01:35:45,962 --> 01:35:49,925
- And if they ran,
- I would hunt them down.
- 1378
- 01:35:54,596 --> 01:35:55,805
- Thank you, Kathy.
- 1379
- 01:36:00,894 --> 01:36:04,857
- A brief, shining moment,
- and then that mouth.
- 1380
- 01:36:06,358 --> 01:36:08,568
- Helps if you pull it out.
- 1381
- 01:36:10,028 --> 01:36:11,948
- Good luck, ladies.
- 1382
- 01:36:12,155 --> 01:36:14,367
- I wanted to rub the crown for luck.
- 1383
- 01:36:14,574 --> 01:36:16,245
- Frank took it to get it polished.
- 1384
- 01:36:16,452 --> 01:36:19,247
- I'll have it by the time
- they announce the winner.
- 1385
- 01:36:20,456 --> 01:36:21,998
- My God! It's the crown!
- 1386
- 01:36:22,165 --> 01:36:24,251
- Yes, it is. You can taste it now--
- 1387
- 01:36:24,460 --> 01:36:25,670
- No, no, no!
- 1388
- 01:36:30,341 --> 01:36:32,385
- Not the-- This in the--
- 1389
- 01:36:32,635 --> 01:36:34,262
- Finale positions.
- 1390
- 01:36:34,471 --> 01:36:39,476
- Yes. Wear the crown. Be the crown.
- You are the crown.
- 1391
- 01:36:44,647 --> 01:36:49,987
- And now, the moment
- of truth and beauty.
- 1392
- 01:36:51,028 --> 01:36:52,531
- The envelope, please.
- 1393
- 01:37:05,918 --> 01:37:06,961
- What?
- 1394
- 01:37:08,046 --> 01:37:09,965
- A lot of tension.
- 1395
- 01:37:10,340 --> 01:37:12,050
- The fourth runner-up is...
- 1396
- 01:37:12,885 --> 01:37:13,886
- ...California!
- 1397
- 01:37:22,644 --> 01:37:24,396
- The third runner-up is...
- 1398
- 01:37:26,858 --> 01:37:28,191
- ...Nebraska!
- 1399
- 01:37:36,366 --> 01:37:38,995
- - Am I in danger here?
- - Wait here.
- 1400
- 01:37:39,202 --> 01:37:41,539
- The second runner-up is Texas!
- 1401
- 01:37:56,512 --> 01:37:57,764
- Drop it!
- 1402
- 01:37:58,096 --> 01:37:59,682
- I mean it! Drop it!
- 1403
- 01:37:59,891 --> 01:38:00,933
- This is it.
- 1404
- 01:38:01,184 --> 01:38:02,268
- The moment.
- 1405
- 01:38:02,435 --> 01:38:06,397
- One of these two ladies
- will wear the crown.
- 1406
- 01:38:07,523 --> 01:38:09,400
- Listen to me!
- 1407
- 01:38:09,609 --> 01:38:11,736
- I'm gonna reach for my badge slow.
- 1408
- 01:38:11,944 --> 01:38:13,821
- You do, and you're dead.
- 1409
- 01:38:16,240 --> 01:38:17,616
- The first runner-up...
- 1410
- 01:38:17,825 --> 01:38:21,079
- ...who will have to take the winner's
- place if, for any reason...
- 1411
- 01:38:21,288 --> 01:38:23,289
- ...she cannot fulfill her duties is:
- 1412
- 01:38:25,250 --> 01:38:27,001
- New Jersey! Which means...
- 1413
- 01:38:27,210 --> 01:38:28,585
- ...our new Miss United States is:
- 1414
- 01:38:28,795 --> 01:38:29,878
- Don't take the crown.
- 1415
- 01:38:30,088 --> 01:38:31,755
- Rhode Island's Cheryl Frasier!
- 1416
- 01:38:31,965 --> 01:38:34,592
- Don't take the crown. Trust me.
- 1417
- 01:38:42,976 --> 01:38:44,936
- She's beauty and she's grace
- 1418
- 01:38:45,145 --> 01:38:49,857
- She's queen of 50 states
- She's elegance and taste
- 1419
- 01:38:50,484 --> 01:38:52,736
- She's Miss United States
- 1420
- 01:38:53,736 --> 01:38:56,824
- Hold your crown up high
- 1421
- 01:39:04,873 --> 01:39:06,583
- Raise it to the sky
- 1422
- 01:39:08,460 --> 01:39:09,920
- Jersey's gone berserk!
- 1423
- 01:39:10,337 --> 01:39:11,922
- Get her off the stage!
- 1424
- 01:39:14,633 --> 01:39:17,135
- Hold your crown up high
- 1425
- 01:39:18,638 --> 01:39:21,640
- Raise it to the sky
- 1426
- 01:39:33,444 --> 01:39:34,695
- She stands for all that's good
- 1427
- 01:39:35,446 --> 01:39:38,158
- She loves her neighborhood
- 1428
- 01:39:40,200 --> 01:39:43,203
- She's friends with everyone she meets
- 1429
- 01:39:45,290 --> 01:39:47,332
- She's beauty and she's grace
- 1430
- 01:39:47,667 --> 01:39:49,793
- She's queen of 50 states
- 1431
- 01:39:52,255 --> 01:39:54,506
- She's elegance and taste
- 1432
- 01:39:55,800 --> 01:39:57,510
- She's Miss United States
- 1433
- 01:40:00,012 --> 01:40:01,013
- Gracie!
- 1434
- 01:40:25,205 --> 01:40:28,167
- She's Miss United States.
- 1435
- 01:40:30,586 --> 01:40:32,004
- Okay.
- 1436
- 01:40:33,380 --> 01:40:35,172
- Good show, everybody.
- 1437
- 01:40:36,216 --> 01:40:38,676
- I was right in the middle of my song!
- 1438
- 01:40:42,681 --> 01:40:45,392
- You got nothing on me.
- This is ridiculous.
- 1439
- 01:40:45,600 --> 01:40:49,188
- Where you're going, they'd love
- to meet a former beauty queen.
- 1440
- 01:40:49,396 --> 01:40:51,607
- When he says meet, he means M-E-A-T.
- 1441
- 01:40:54,025 --> 01:40:55,568
- Miss Hart, you don't understand.
- 1442
- 01:40:55,778 --> 01:40:59,405
- All I'm guilty of is trying to make
- the world a more beautiful place.
- 1443
- 01:40:59,615 --> 01:41:00,908
- Look at yourself.
- 1444
- 01:41:01,116 --> 01:41:04,245
- When I met you, Dennis Rodman
- looked better in a dress.
- 1445
- 01:41:04,453 --> 01:41:06,872
- But now you're a lady! I did that.
- 1446
- 01:41:07,039 --> 01:41:11,251
- Vic did that, and a team of highly
- specialized federal manicurists...
- 1447
- 01:41:11,459 --> 01:41:13,962
- ...and people who make you beautiful.
- 1448
- 01:41:14,171 --> 01:41:15,548
- Get in the car.
- 1449
- 01:41:15,797 --> 01:41:17,675
- You think you saved something.
- 1450
- 01:41:17,884 --> 01:41:22,221
- All you did was to destroy the dream
- of young women all over the country.
- 1451
- 01:41:22,430 --> 01:41:24,056
- Their dream is to get blown up?
- 1452
- 01:41:24,266 --> 01:41:26,268
- You got a good shot
- at that insanity plea.
- 1453
- 01:41:26,810 --> 01:41:27,893
- I earned it!
- 1454
- 01:41:28,103 --> 01:41:30,688
- Years of bitching beauty
- queens and what do I get?
- 1455
- 01:41:30,938 --> 01:41:34,858
- Fired! They steal my life,
- they steal my beauty pageant.
- 1456
- 01:41:35,734 --> 01:41:39,280
- It is not a beauty pageant.
- It is a scholarship program.
- 1457
- 01:41:39,489 --> 01:41:40,949
- Yeah, yeah.
- 1458
- 01:41:41,241 --> 01:41:42,242
- "Yes."
- 1459
- 01:41:47,580 --> 01:41:52,418
- Enjoy running the Miss San Antonio
- Women's Correctional Facility Pageant!
- 1460
- 01:41:56,506 --> 01:41:58,967
- Get it? The Women's Correctional--
- 1461
- 01:42:00,303 --> 01:42:01,803
- That was good work.
- 1462
- 01:42:04,306 --> 01:42:05,514
- Right back at you.
- 1463
- 01:42:08,642 --> 01:42:11,062
- So, how does it feel?
- 1464
- 01:42:11,688 --> 01:42:13,607
- Throwing the rule book
- out of the window?
- 1465
- 01:42:13,815 --> 01:42:15,568
- Pretty good, actually.
- 1466
- 01:42:16,526 --> 01:42:18,153
- I was thinking...
- 1467
- 01:42:18,361 --> 01:42:19,739
- ...when we get back...
- 1468
- 01:42:19,947 --> 01:42:23,366
- ...after we write up our reports
- and you get all ugly again...
- 1469
- 01:42:23,699 --> 01:42:25,868
- ...maybe we could have dinner?
- 1470
- 01:42:26,035 --> 01:42:28,496
- What? You asking me out on a date?
- 1471
- 01:42:29,206 --> 01:42:30,874
- No. Just a casual dinner.
- 1472
- 01:42:31,041 --> 01:42:34,002
- If we happen to have sex afterwards,
- so be it.
- 1473
- 01:42:37,590 --> 01:42:40,549
- You think I'm gorgeous.
- 1474
- 01:42:40,759 --> 01:42:43,553
- You want to date me...
- 1475
- 01:42:43,763 --> 01:42:46,556
- ...love me and marry me.
- 1476
- 01:42:58,027 --> 01:42:59,986
- A part of you is gonna miss this.
- 1477
- 01:43:00,196 --> 01:43:02,406
- The heels.
- They do something for my posture.
- 1478
- 01:43:02,572 --> 01:43:04,784
- I'm suddenly very aware
- and proud of my breasts.
- 1479
- 01:43:04,991 --> 01:43:07,370
- - Funny, me too.
- - Agent Matthews! Gracie!
- 1480
- 01:43:07,536 --> 01:43:08,955
- Thank God you're still here.
- 1481
- 01:43:09,205 --> 01:43:10,705
- There's been an emergency.
- 1482
- 01:43:10,958 --> 01:43:14,378
- Somebody found some
- sort of incendiary device.
- 1483
- 01:43:14,627 --> 01:43:16,419
- Come on, quickly!
- 1484
- 01:43:16,962 --> 01:43:17,797
- Excuse me. FBI.
- 1485
- 01:43:18,005 --> 01:43:22,301
- She saved the pageant, she saved
- our lives, and here she is!
- 1486
- 01:43:25,597 --> 01:43:26,931
- That's not gonna work for me.
- 1487
- 01:43:27,975 --> 01:43:29,309
- I can't go up there!
- 1488
- 01:43:29,476 --> 01:43:30,851
- It was his idea, Gracie Lou.
- 1489
- 01:43:31,060 --> 01:43:33,938
- I'd never get you here unless
- you could shoot someone.
- 1490
- 01:43:34,147 --> 01:43:35,940
- You'll get yours, Henry Higgins.
- 1491
- 01:43:37,817 --> 01:43:39,277
- Come on!
- 1492
- 01:43:42,114 --> 01:43:47,159
- Ladies and gentlemen,
- agent Gracie Hart of the FBI!
- 1493
- 01:43:50,621 --> 01:43:51,999
- Not so fast!
- 1494
- 01:43:52,207 --> 01:43:55,334
- Because even though
- you're a federal officer...
- 1495
- 01:43:55,501 --> 01:43:59,296
- ...to us, you will always be
- Gracie Lou Freebush.
- 1496
- 01:43:59,506 --> 01:44:04,303
- The nicest, sweetest,
- coolest girl at the pageant...
- 1497
- 01:44:04,511 --> 01:44:07,305
- ...and this year's Miss Congeniality!
- 1498
- 01:44:25,824 --> 01:44:27,910
- I don't know what to say.
- 1499
- 01:44:29,035 --> 01:44:30,996
- Except for...
- 1500
- 01:44:31,538 --> 01:44:33,206
- ...I can't wear this at work.
- 1501
- 01:44:35,625 --> 01:44:38,462
- I never thought anything like
- this would happen to me.
- 1502
- 01:44:39,004 --> 01:44:42,675
- I kind of hoped it wouldn't.
- But now that it has...
- 1503
- 01:44:43,134 --> 01:44:44,677
- ...I just want to say that...
- 1504
- 01:44:44,885 --> 01:44:46,304
- ...I'm very...
- 1505
- 01:44:49,556 --> 01:44:50,641
- ...very honored.
- 1506
- 01:44:52,142 --> 01:44:53,143
- And...
- 1507
- 01:44:54,311 --> 01:44:55,355
- ...moved.
- 1508
- 01:44:56,022 --> 01:44:57,273
- And...
- 1509
- 01:44:59,901 --> 01:45:01,569
- ...truly touched.
- 1510
- 01:45:05,239 --> 01:45:06,407
- And...
- 1511
- 01:45:13,664 --> 01:45:15,666
- ...I really do want world peace.
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