(3:11:13 PM) ShiningDrake: Okay Rou. More than likely, if you don't get a job, you will be a DRAIN on your mother's finances. I'm relatively sure that benefits from the government do NOT entirely cover living expenses. Your mother should be able to keep things running on her own. You do not need to be worried about hers.
(3:11:35 PM) ShiningDrake: As for your own, you need to get a job and get money saved up before you try anything
(3:12:15 PM) Roukan: I think before anything there's a big problem with my own mindset I can't quite get around.
(3:12:18 PM) ShiningDrake: No one's saying that you just walk out suddenly with no preparation, because that's even stupider than staying
(3:12:32 PM) ShiningDrake: Do you go to school?
(3:12:39 PM) Roukan: I'm going to university.
(3:12:40 PM) ShiningDrake: Is there a counselor there you can talk to?
(3:12:58 PM) Roukan: The part that doesn't want a job. The part that doesn't want to suffer unfairly. The part that wants to just sit at home and enjoy himself without hurting anyone.
(3:13:35 PM) ShiningDrake: The parts that need to learn how to sit down and shut up so things can get done
(3:13:41 PM) Roukan: In the end this would all be so much easier to do if I wasn't such a goddamn coward.
(3:13:45 PM) ShiningDrake: Look, I know it's not easy
(3:13:57 PM) ShiningDrake: Taking risks is hard, but you can also minimize the risks
(3:14:06 PM) ShiningDrake: Again, is there a counselor you can talk to at school?
(3:14:28 PM) Roukan: I'm pretty sure there is
(3:14:38 PM) ShiningDrake: Then talk to them
(3:15:02 PM) ShiningDrake: They're used to helping people with their problems, and should know how a lot better than most of us
(3:15:03 PM) Roukan: But I'm not sure what exactly to go to them about. There are a million things I could talk to them about and I have a bad history with counselors saying 'It's your Aspergers, see someone who knows it'
(3:15:19 PM) Roukan: And then the Aspergers assistants say 'we're not counsellors, go see a professional'.
(3:15:37 PM) ShiningDrake: Aspergers is a stupid excuse and people need to stop using it
(3:15:53 PM) ShiningDrake: Yes, it might be a real problem that can cause other issues but it's not an excuse for anything
(3:16:13 PM) Roukan: It's the excuse most psychologists use for not seeing me. I don't try to say I'm fucking up because I'm an Aspie.
(3:16:31 PM) Roukan: And then the one psychologist I worked hella hard to see
(3:16:56 PM) Roukan: Both threw me out after I got to uni - despite me still obviously having a lot of problems - and went out of her way to stop other psychologists seeing me
(3:17:06 PM) Roukan: Because my problems were all thanks to not being at university.
(3:17:45 PM) ShiningDrake: Talk to the counselor. If they refer you to an Aspergers expert, tell them it doesn't work that way because you've gone through this before. Ask them to let you talk so they can understand your mindset a bit more
(3:18:11 PM) Roukan: What do I do in the meantime?
(3:18:21 PM) Roukan: I am terrible at letting matters lie.
(3:18:36 PM) Roukan: I hate it. I feel like I need a solution right now every time but at the same time I'm too scared
(3:18:55 PM) Roukan: I just...sometimes I feel like I've trapped myself in a maze inside my own head and there's no way out.
(3:19:30 PM) Roukan: I don't understand myself, I feel like something is really wrong inside my head, and I just want the world to stop moving until I can figure out how to fix myself.
(3:19:44 PM) ShiningDrake: You can try doing something new, get used to going outside of what's standard for you. You can try examining WHY you feel the way you do, what factors affected your mindset, how to fix them from there.
(3:19:48 PM) ShiningDrake: You won't get everything
(3:19:54 PM) ShiningDrake: Certainly not at once
(3:20:34 PM) ShiningDrake: Personally, I think you keep feeling trapped and afraid because you've been conditioned to be that way. It sounds like they treat you like servants and don't let you show your own opinions, and that's made you afraid to do so
(3:20:37 PM) Roukan: So, right now. Examine why I feel so mad?
(3:20:59 PM) ShiningDrake: You can try it
(3:21:06 PM) ShiningDrake: Feel free to do it out loud, let me hear it
(3:21:19 PM) Roukan: Because I feel like my family doesn't love me and yet I'm expected to love them back? And when I say as much they tell me I'm overreacting?
(3:21:39 PM) Roukan: But at the same time there's a part of me that feels sick making that accusation because it makes me a terrible brother and a terrible son.
(3:22:14 PM) Roukan: More than anything I'm mad at life. I'm mad that it keeps on going and I can't stop it.
(3:22:22 PM) ShiningDrake: It doesn't make you a terrible brother or a terrible son. Those statuses are NOT supposed to make you a servant or override your own will
(3:22:36 PM) Roukan: These are precious, invaluable days. Days I could be spending doing something useful or worthwhile or (god forbid) IMPORTANT.
(3:22:56 PM) ShiningDrake: Or at least fun
(3:23:02 PM) Roukan: Instead I feel like I'm getting beaten about and I mentally fall apart, break into tears, whine online for the best part of three hours.
(3:23:41 PM) ShiningDrake: Have you told your mother you feel ignored?
(3:23:48 PM) Roukan: Yes
(3:23:55 PM) ShiningDrake: And she dismissed you, didn't she?
(3:24:07 PM) Roukan: She said a) I was overreacting, and b) It's because I don't leave my room
(3:24:29 PM) ShiningDrake: Point that out. Point out that you're not even allowed to explain your feelings, and that doesn't help
(3:25:26 PM) ShiningDrake: It might not do anything
(3:25:32 PM) Roukan: That's because apparently my feelings are wrong.
(3:25:32 PM) ShiningDrake: I doubt it's going to hurt a hell of a lot either
(3:25:55 PM) ShiningDrake: Then tell her that if your feelings are wrong, you need to figure out WHY they're wrong and fix them anyway
(3:26:03 PM) ShiningDrake: It's not just as easy as telling them to go away
(3:26:42 PM) Roukan: Because I'm an asshole, maybe?
(3:26:54 PM) Roukan: She specified that I overreact like this whenever someone criticises me.
(3:27:52 PM) ShiningDrake: Hm... Okay. Maybe talking with her isn't the best idea. What about your sisters?
(3:27:53 PM) Roukan: I don't know. I'm confused, I'm lost, I'm scared, and a large part of me wants to just let it all out on someone.
(3:28:58 PM) Roukan: My sisters are sick of me talking to them about this stuff. I tried to confide in A-chan too much in my earlier years and she feels terrible because she doesn't know how to help me
(3:29:07 PM) Roukan: And most of the time B-ko probably doesn't give a fuck.
(3:29:11 PM) ShiningDrake: Ah
(3:30:23 PM) ShiningDrake: Hm...
(3:30:42 PM) ShiningDrake: Do you have anything you can do to try and distract yourself?
(3:30:52 PM) ShiningDrake: Can you play Touhou or get into something that really requires thought?
(3:30:54 PM) Roukan: I don't want to be distracted
(3:31:01 PM) Roukan: Because that means I give up. I lose.
(3:31:07 PM) Roukan: And it'll just keep happening.
(3:31:28 PM) ShiningDrake: No, not necessarily. It's not something that will be solved now. Getting distracted gives you the chance to calm down
(3:31:41 PM) ShiningDrake: And once you're calm, you're more likely to have an idea how to deal with it
(3:31:54 PM) ShiningDrake: Or at least it makes it not so big of a deal until you can talk with the counselor
(3:34:17 PM) Roukan: That might not be for a week
(3:34:22 PM) ShiningDrake: Ah
(3:34:24 PM) Roukan: And, well, it feels too important to forget
(3:34:40 PM) Roukan: (Besides everything else, the university's going through enrolment right now)
(3:35:11 PM) ShiningDrake: Hm... Write it down somewhere that it will be obvious, and every time you see it, you'll remember.
(3:35:14 PM) Roukan: I'll be honest. More than anything I wish I could have a breakdown. I wish everything could fall apart and I could throw away every opportunity I have in life, because then maybe people would stop and listen.
(3:35:44 PM) Roukan: Except wait, no they won't, C-nee-chan did fine in the exact same family, it's not their fault! GODDAMN ASPERGERS RUINED MY SON'S LIFE
(3:35:47 PM) Roukan: |:
(3:36:22 PM) ShiningDrake: In the meantime, you can try to change your thought process. Instead of looking for reasons things won't work, look for things that will work. Try to look at positive things, all the good that can come if you work toward it
(3:36:25 PM) ShiningDrake: It's not easy
(3:36:35 PM) ShiningDrake: It likely never will be easy
(3:37:17 PM) Roukan: I hate that more than anything
(3:37:21 PM) Roukan: Where is the fairness?
(3:37:21 PM) ShiningDrake: I do understand how hard it is. I have horrible self-esteem issues myself, and things seem so incredibly daunting
(3:37:30 PM) ShiningDrake: Stop being obsessed with fairness
(3:37:34 PM) Roukan: I haven't hurt anyone. I've never stolen anything, or committed any crime.
(3:37:35 PM) ShiningDrake: There is no cosmic balance
(3:37:47 PM) ShiningDrake: There is no force of justice that will make good people happy and bad people suffer
(3:38:04 PM) ShiningDrake: But you know what? You can still make things better
(3:38:07 PM) Roukan: Then why be good? Reciprocation? Because I'm sure as hell not getting that.
(3:38:20 PM) ShiningDrake: For its own sake?
(3:38:40 PM) ShiningDrake: To be a better person than the selfish bastards that add to the injustice every day?
(3:38:50 PM) ShiningDrake: To get that much closer to a world where things ARE just?
(3:39:47 PM) ShiningDrake: If you want fairness, try to MAKE things fair
(3:39:57 PM) Roukan: I just don't know if I can deal with much more of this
(3:40:06 PM) ShiningDrake: Neither do most of us
(3:40:25 PM) Roukan: I feel totally lost right now. I have no fucking idea where I want to go in life. There's a little part of me that wants to off myself purely out of spite right now.
(3:40:41 PM) ShiningDrake: Yeah I have that part too. Tell it to shut up
(3:41:10 PM) ShiningDrake: Okay Rou. What do you think is most unfair? What do you think most needs to be changed?
(3:42:59 PM) Roukan: This is where you will lose a lot of respect for me, I think - I feel like life is too hard.
(3:43:19 PM) Roukan: It's just...not worth the effort sometimes. Every way, I suffer, and for what?
(3:44:39 PM) ShiningDrake: Rou, I think that bit of respect would have gotten lost a long time ago. Try looking at it again
(3:45:58 PM) Roukan: Looking at what?
(3:46:05 PM) ShiningDrake: Not sure how to say it
(3:46:57 PM) ShiningDrake: Is there any suffering in particular that fills you with outrage? Anything that you think really really needs to change?
(3:47:05 PM) ShiningDrake: "Effort" does not count
(3:47:14 PM) ShiningDrake: An injustice, something that needs to be made better
(3:48:14 PM) Roukan: It's more like - why does none of this junk I have to work through fulfill me?
(3:48:24 PM) Roukan: Why don't I feel good about anything I do?
(3:48:31 PM) Roukan: Why is nothing good enough?
(3:48:42 PM) ShiningDrake: Ah
(3:48:59 PM) Roukan: Why does the thought of moving out bring nothing but fear? Where's the desire to be independent, the joy of being an adult?
(3:49:33 PM) ShiningDrake: I think I can answer the last part, even if the rest is probably something for professionals
(3:49:46 PM) ShiningDrake: Honestly, it seems like you've been raised to be dependent
(3:50:11 PM) ShiningDrake: Kind of how I was, really, though the circumstances are different and my issues took other forms
(3:51:52 PM) ShiningDrake: Hm... Let me ask you. How do your mother and sister react to being told things they don't want to hear?
(3:51:59 PM) ShiningDrake: Do they lash out?
(3:52:03 PM) Roukan: Yes.
(3:52:12 PM) Roukan: Call the speaker a liar.
(3:52:32 PM) Roukan: It's hard to convince a member of my family of just about anything if they don't want to believe it.
(3:52:54 PM) ShiningDrake: Okay. See, if you've been raised with that, you won't want to speak your opinion. That alone is something seriously bad for self confidence
(3:53:33 PM) ShiningDrake: Do either of them tend to be overprotective, not wanting you to do stuff on your own? Did they ever tend to warn you against taking risks or that people couldn't be trusted?
(3:54:20 PM) Roukan: My mother is always paranoid when I'm out late. Afraid I'll get stabbed. She doesn't like me being out unless she knows exactly where I am all the time.
(3:54:36 PM) ShiningDrake: This is sounding familiar
(3:54:49 PM) ShiningDrake: Very familiar
(3:54:52 PM) ShiningDrake: Hm, okay...
(3:56:05 PM) ShiningDrake: From everything so far, Rou, I honestly think that they've abused you in a way. It's like what my mother did to me. Trying to make you dependent, attached to them, preventing you from doing things on your own.
(3:56:22 PM) ShiningDrake: They've conditioned you to be a servant
(3:56:26 PM) ShiningDrake: And it is NOT okay
(3:56:49 PM) ShiningDrake: Their status as family does not make you owe anything to them, period, and you need to weaken their hold over you
(3:57:21 PM) ShiningDrake: I am saying this as someone who has been through the same sort of thing
(3:57:27 PM) Roukan: Can I make that claim?
(3:57:35 PM) Roukan: It's not like they beat me.
(3:57:46 PM) ShiningDrake: Beating is not the only form of abuse
(3:58:43 PM) ShiningDrake: They shaped you to make you servile and paranoid, someone who can't do anything on his own. That is what their actions have made you. That's a worse kind of abuse than physical pain. It has shaped who you are in a very destructive way
(3:59:04 PM) Roukan: It's a big jump to say they did this deliberately.
(3:59:36 PM) ShiningDrake: Even if it wasn't deliberate, they're still responsible
(4:00:07 PM) ShiningDrake: Do you have other family members you can talk to? Other people who know your mother and sister and AREN'T dependent on them?
(4:00:24 PM) ShiningDrake: ESPECIALLY people they've warned you away from
(4:00:45 PM) Roukan: Not really.
(4:01:04 PM) ShiningDrake: Hm
(4:01:10 PM) Roukan: The...closest I have is probably one of my uncles.
(4:01:28 PM) Roukan: He visits frequently, but he also sort of does all the chores while he's up.
(4:01:56 PM) ShiningDrake: Ah
(4:02:55 PM) ShiningDrake: Hrm... Actually, not sure if it's something you can work into a conversation exactly, and if your uncle talks with your mother much, it could get back to her...
(4:03:45 PM) Roukan: I have not done well trying to confide in people out of the family like this
(4:04:07 PM) Roukan: A few years ago, when my fetish was confusing me, I confided in my mother's fiancee hoping a fellow man could understand
(4:04:21 PM) Roukan: Despite me begging he told me he couldn't keep it a secret and he had to tell her.
(4:04:27 PM) Roukan: That was a painful, painful night.
(4:05:08 PM) ShiningDrake: Anyway though Rou, the bottom line is that these people are the source of your problems. Your mother dismisses your feelings but can't let go of you (As evidenced by those papers she made you sign saying you can't survive on your own), your sister treats you like a servant and your mother condones it...
(4:05:08 PM) ShiningDrake: Staying dependent on or even too close to them is the worst thing you can do
(4:05:43 PM) ShiningDrake: If you're depending on them, it's hard to see the patterns, especially ones they're hiding if it's deliberate
(4:05:44 PM) Roukan: But what else is there? If I'm away from them I have to do it all myself, and that idea doesn't fill me with ambition.
(4:06:08 PM) Roukan: Independence is something I'm scared of, because it means no safety net. Abertay was my chance to show I could stand up for myself, and I failed miserably.
(4:06:28 PM) ShiningDrake: Okay Rou, think of it this way.
(4:07:26 PM) ShiningDrake: You're too paranoid to go out and trust people, you can't do things on your own as it is, you're someone with terrible self-esteem. Someone with the potential to be so much more, but as it is, pathetic.
(4:07:26 PM) ShiningDrake: Not exactly a happy idea, is it?
(4:08:04 PM) ShiningDrake: ...Now add to it. You were MADE to be this way. What do you think of the people that did it to you?
(4:09:04 PM) Roukan: Well-intentioned, but misled.
(4:09:53 PM) ShiningDrake: ...So much for going on out of spite
(4:10:01 PM) ShiningDrake: Hold on a moment
(4:10:04 PM) Roukan: Spite makes me a bad person.
(4:10:17 PM) Roukan: I've calmed down a little since that statement, I guess.