Pogoman122

Private Anon

Nov 3rd, 2014
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  1. > you are Private Anonymous
  2. > you just got finished with AIT in the marine corps
  3. > feelsgoodman.jpg
  4. > you have decided to go into the infantry field, because you always wanted to kill commie bastards
  5. > you are a grunt
  6. > apparently you have been selected for a military experiment
  7. "No."
  8. > but you couldnt say that
  9. "Yes sir."
  10. > and thus, you had to accept
  11. > so here you were, standing inside of some kind of pod
  12. > they gave you all your equipment as well
  13. > a few hundred extra rounds of ammunition for your M60
  14. > that's right, you were a heavy infantry
  15. > gas mask with several filters to boot
  16. > shit ton of MREs
  17. > side arm is a .45 USP
  18. > heavy shit man
  19. > you are jarred back to reality as the pod's door slams on you
  20. > "Commencing time suspension test number five."
  21. "Number five?!"
  22. > no
  23. > you do not want to be kill
  24. "You guys tried this five other times?!"
  25. > they couldn't hear you
  26. > there was suddenly a loud noise, like a gunshot, then all was dark
  27. > everything seemed to become normal again
  28. > you could see through the pod
  29. > but something wasn't right...
  30. > the outside seemed to be moving extremely fast
  31. > equipment being replaced every few seconds
  32. > holograms
  33. > wires
  34. > rust appearing extremely fast
  35. > brief darkness for a split second
  36. > then the entire front wall was removed with a bright flash
  37. > crystals seemed to form all around the room and sealed the hole
  38. > you noticed that strange four legged creatures appeared
  39. > an ice age seemed to suddenly appear for a few seconds
  40. > then all was better
  41. > you stared in shock as darkness consumed you as the crystals closed off the room that was once a cave
  42. > you noticed that the room was still somewhat there
  43. "Take me back!"
  44. > but you didnt like what had happened
  45. > the pod suddenly opened, bringing everything to a halt
  46. > you pressed your back to the pod and listened to the sounds of water dripping on stone
  47. "Where am I..."
  48. > it was obviously still the same room, just horribly decayed and covered in crystals
  49. "I'd better find a way out..."
  50. > You stepped out of the pod and winced as your foot hit something squishy
  51. > you looked down and noticed you were stepping on a mixture of fabric and flesh
  52. > it was a trail
  53. > leading to...
  54. "Another pod?"
  55. > sure enough, there was another pod, unopened
  56. > you quickly threw up on the floor
  57. > whoever was in there wasnt lucky
  58. > it was just a mass of gooey flesh and blood
  59. > you looked back to your pod and rubbed the bile off of your mouth
  60. > your M60 was safely on hooks inside of the pod, as well as two rucksack full of ammunition, MREs and water
  61. > they also mentioned instruction books on how to build a shelter, firestarting, survival stuff in general
  62. "They really do think of everything..."
  63. > you grabbed one of the rucksacks and started shuffling around in it
  64. "Aha!"
  65. > You pulled out the gas mask and replaced the filters for good measure
  66. > you quickly put it on
  67. > a happy sigh drifted from your lips as the rotten smell faded away
  68. > not the best use for a mask, but the air isn't poison so far
  69. > at least you couldnt recognize the poor fella
  70. > god damn americans
  71. "Always ruining shit for everyone... At least we got nuked..."
  72. > but what were those creatures?
  73. > they looked like weird horse things
  74. > then there were the black swiss cheese horses
  75. > looks like someone shot them up in a gang fight or something
  76. > "Lil nigga why the fuck did ya make all these damn holes in ma legs you lil bitch."
  77. "Haha..."
  78. "Nice..."
  79. > but this was serious
  80. > you had to get out of this cave
  81. > you could blow a hole through the crystals!
  82. > then you looked around and saw a wooden door
  83. "Or i could go through the door..."
  84. > you aim your M60 at the door and open fire
  85. > hey cool, lower gravity so you can hold this bitch at hip
  86. > the door is blown off its hinges
  87. > you step through and smirk at your handy work
  88. > a lone brick bonks your helmet, but you are otherwise okay
  89. > you feel as if something is off
  90. > the physics in this universe are unbound
  91. > a strange feeling...
  92. > but you brush it off...
  93. > "Aw sheeeeit nigga you shot up my legs with that damn cannon you fuckin bitch."
  94. > you chuckled again as you thought about shooting the swiss cheese ponies
  95. "Okay okay, serious face now."
  96. > you went stone faced as you started walking through the cavern
  97. > a door seemed to be ahead for some reason
  98. > another door to shoot up, it seemed
  99. > this one was much smaller than the previous, slightly taller than one of those pony creatures
  100. > for once, you get to crouch in your service
  101. > you heave up the m60 and let loose on the door
  102. > BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM
  103. > the door comes tumbling down!
  104. > the silence takes hold, but is soon breached by several screams and the sound of hooves on stone
  105. > oh shieeet
  106. > you shot up a horse
  107. > that wont look good on your record
  108. > so much for getting the medal of honor then
  109. "Fuck, well, better help the horse things."
  110. > "Celestia! Art thou alright!?"
  111. > "Yes, sister... My wounds heal quickly... I knew I should have sealed off that door."
  112. > their names and voices sound very regal
  113. > "Princess Celestia, Luna, we heard noises and- AIEEEEEEEEEEE! you're all holy!"
  114. > fucking fuck
  115. > you shot up a princess
  116. > better go apologize
  117. > you arent the brightest man, but you can apologies to colorful horses
  118. > you slowly crouched through the door, and met the one you shot
  119. > a pegacorn about as tall as you, with two other ponies beside her, both also pegacorns
  120. > you didnt get another chance to think as you were suddenly pinned to the marble floor by some force
  121. > THEFORCEISINYOU
  122. > you were forced to exhale as you lost your breathe, and you sputtered
  123. > "WHO ART THOU TO THINK THAT THEY SHALT HARM MY DEAREST SISTER ON HER BIRTHDAY!"
  124. > shit
  125. > you crashed a birthday party of a princess by shooting her about thirty times in the chest
  126. > you're probably gonna die
  127. > you coughed and sputtered again as you were lifted up and slammed into the ground again
  128. > "WELL!? DOST THOU HAVE ZERO SHAME FOR THE CRIME THOU HAST COMMITED!?"
  129. > you guessed that she was asking you to talk
  130. > your eardrums probably burst the first time she yelled at you
  131. > your ears were still ringing
  132. > you could also guess that you were going to die, possibly for the second time
  133. > you were still working out if you died in the pod and are in hell
  134. > hell is ponies
  135. > you were brought back to the world as you were picked up and slammed into the wall
  136. > the eyes of a furious blue pegacorn stared into your very soul
  137. > you hacked and coughed before you could muster up the breath for a sentence
  138. "Yes... Well... You see... The door was locked... And i wanted out... Of the laboratory i was kept in..."
  139. > the eyes continued to burrow into yours
  140. > oh god this sucks
  141. > "Let the human go Luna, it was merely an accident. And it puts to rest what is behind the door."
  142. > big white pony is still alive
  143. > "But Princess/Tia-"
  144. > both Luna and star butt spoke at the same time only to be interrupted by big momma pony
  145. > "No, it was an accident, release the human, Luna. If you will."
  146. > Luna's eyes bored into your one last time, before she released you with a "hmph!"
  147. > you admit, she has the right to be a judgemental bitch
  148. > you did almost kill her sister
  149. > who is immortal
  150. > burn the witch
  151. > you chuckled to yourself, bringing the blue eyes of death upon you once more
  152. > "Nearly killing our sister is no laughing matter..."
  153. > she eyes you up and down in surprised
  154. > her eyes locked onto the patches on your digital uniform
  155. > "Luna, i am immortal, didnt you kn-"
  156. > "Sister, this creature appears to be a sergeant."
  157. > but you were a private
  158. > you looked down at your rank patch
  159. > you did remember them altering your uniform
  160. > maybe they wanted to make you seem more valuable?
  161. > "And this sergeant was LAUGHING! At your near demise!"
  162. > no
  163. > you were thinking about burning this here princess
  164. > so you were laughing about being the cause of her demise
  165. "I was merely thinking of my kitten, Tiger, meowing."
  166. > entirely fabricated truth!
  167. > "Uh. Kittens are not the same as tigers Mister... Creature... Sergeant... They are cats."
  168. > you gave the purple sparkle butt a deadpan stare
  169. "His name is Tiger. I named him after the character in Winnie the-"
  170. > what the fuck were you talking about
  171. "Fucking hell ya'll are in the dark ages, you dont have TV. Might as well shoot myself now!":
  172. > you laughed
  173. > the three ponies however, did not laugh
  174. > they looked horrified at what you said
  175. > "Celestia, what does fuck mean?"
  176. > Luna looked at Celestia
  177. > "Yes sister, what does that word mean?"
  178. > fucks sakes they were adults
  179. > you think
  180. > Celestia blushed heavily
  181. > "No matter, Luna, Twilight."
  182. > Celestia looked to you
  183. > "Assuming what you... did... to me would be considered shooting..."
  184. > you were about to burst out laughing
  185. > "Joking about harming, or committing treacherous acts against yourself is no laughing matter."
  186. > you burst out laughing
  187. "A colorful horse telling me not to joke! Bwahaha!"
  188. > you wiped away your tears
  189. "No no... Different cultures, dont worry about it."
  190. > you slinged the M60 around your shoulder
  191. > purple booty was busy looking through... a stack of books... that had suddenly appeared
  192. > Luna and Celestia however, eyed the M60's barrel intently
  193. "What? Oh yeah, I shot you with that. Sorry."
  194. > "This miniature cannon is amazing... It is also dangerous. I'm afraid we will have to confiscate it and study it."
  195. > white horse wat
  196. > "Ay yooooo nigga. We was just smokin dank ass jane but then you shot up our bitch and sheeeeittt we want that gun."
  197. > you frowned and shook your head
  198. "It would be considered an act of war for you to disarm me. Besides, i plan on moving along."
  199. > you pointed to the two large rucksacks that had fallen
  200. "Those are full of my supplies. I promise ill leave you and your subjects alone. I really want to see those black holey ponies!"
  201. > you had fallen in love you the holey ponies
  202. > you wondered if they taught circles to their young by putting blocks through their legs
  203. > you laughed to yourself
  204. > the older pegacorn smirked at you
  205. > "Your kind isnt here to enforce the law any longer, Human. One could say that your 'law' created our species."
  206. > Luna smirked in kind
  207. > shieet
  208. > "Yes. And Changelings are a nasty group of creatures. Thou would not want to visit them..."
  209. > Celestia looked back at you
  210. > you dont like these ponies
  211. > "However... We will let you keep your weaponry and supplies."
  212. > catch incoming
  213. > "If you join the royal guard."
  214. > that's actually not a bad catch
  215. > "If you choose this, then you will be warm, fed, and cleansed every day. Your rank as sergeant will be restored, and you will keep everything you have now, in exchange for serving in Equestria's finest!"
  216. > not bad
  217. "Eh, what the hell. Sure. I've done worse in boot camp."
  218. > they looked at you strangely
  219. > "Boot camp isn't stressful in the slightest."
  220. > Luna looked to her sister
  221. > "There is yelling in the lunar guard. Not much, but some."
  222. > oh shit
  223. > their boot camp is nothing
  224. > "Ay yo. Here's this sword and armor n' shieet and you stand there like a good lil nigga and do shiet while us top niggas go do queen shit."
  225. > you thought for a minute
  226. "We don't get treated human until the second phase of basic."
  227. > you smiled and waved
  228. "Anyways, lead on!"
  229. > The blue pegacorn walked away, telling her sister that she was going to do things
  230. > SCREWing around maybe
  231. > the taller pegacorn, as tall as you, called the apparent Captain of the royal guard
  232. > odd uniform
  233. > you wondered if you could keep yours
  234. > Celestia explained your situation, and handed you over to him
  235. > so here you both were, standing in the apparent barracks office
  236. > at least... you were standing
  237. > Captain Shining Armor was sitting down at a desk, sitting on a cushion
  238. > cute, considering they cant sit like people do
  239. > it reminds you of the way a cat sits
  240. > interesting
  241. > you were snapped back to attention as the Captain spoke
  242. > "Alright... We got you settles into your bunker, now... Stand at attention for me."
  243. > you stared at him dumbfounded
  244. > he looked at you quizzically
  245. > "Do you not know what that is?"
  246. > you shook your head
  247. "No no. I do. I'm just not used to being called to attention without being yelled at."
  248. > he laughed
  249. > "Well, we're different than your military. We're mostly serving to escort the princess and look nice. No wars for thousands of years."
  250. > this gets better
  251. "Yeah well... Marines are trained to be constantly ready and on edge. We have to be used to stress."
  252. > he smiled at you with a knowing look
  253. > "Well expect none of that here. Now, attention stance if you please."
  254. > so calm
  255. > you stood as firm as a two by four, arms and hands down your sides with your feet positioned correctly, chin up and a stoic face
  256. > he looked impressed
  257. > "Very good Sergeant Anonymous, now show me a salute."
  258. > with no reply, you raised your arm ant an angle and presented arms
  259. > he laughed
  260. > what?
  261. > "It takes practice for a Royal Guard to salute, what with standing on four hooves and all. They tend to be a tad off balance, considering all the weight of armor."
  262. >he shook his head
  263. > "Relieved."
  264. "Thank you Sir."
  265. > he furrowed his brow
  266. > "Already more courteous to me than most, im impressed."
  267. > his face hardened
  268. > "Now the princess mentioned to me your armament."
  269. "Yes?"
  270. > he's probably going to take it away
  271. > "It is too large to study, and many of the elements it is compromised of aren't even invented yet."
  272. > he breathed in
  273. > "You might as well keep it."
  274. > you cheered inside
  275. > "Ay yo nigga, you can keep yo big ass gun you got, but your ass is the mutha fuckin queens."
  276. "That's great."
  277. > he smiled then nodded at you
  278. > "Good then, go back to your bunk and rest."
  279. > you exited the Captain's office and reached your designated bunk
  280. > your rucksacks were safely tucked underneath the cot, undisturbed
  281. > the other guards paid no mind to you, they were busy harassing the new recruits
  282. > good fun
  283. > you looked like you had gotten hit by a car however
  284. > bags under your eyes with dark circles around them
  285. > you hadnt gotten something to eat, so you opted to get an MRE
  286. > you sat down on the cot, it making a squeaking sound
  287. > springs
  288. > fun and not comfortable
  289. > you opened a rucksack and pulled out a random MRE
  290. > you ripped it open and found that it was some form of jerky with a water pouch
  291. > the smell of jerked beef was appatizing to you as you chewed off a bite
  292. > "Hey."
  293. > a guard was looking at you suspiciously
  294. "What?"
  295. > "You aren't going to eat us, are you?"
  296. > you looked at the jerky
  297. > they were herbivores
  298. "No man, this is beef, from a cow."
  299. > the pony looked horrified
  300. > "Cows can talk though! Dude, that isnt cool!"
  301. > you shrugged
  302. "If i don't have protein, ill die."
  303. > the guard still looked concerned as he walked back to the group of unarmored ponies
  304. > they all look the same
  305. > only distinguished by a "cutie mark"
  306. > you realized that you still were in your digital desert camo and helmet
  307. > everything suddenly felt heavy as you collapsed onto the cot, your MRE on your chest
  308. > you were tired
  309. "Fuck me..."
  310. > and you blacked out
  311. > you woke up, grumbling to yourself
  312. > finishing off the MRE quickly, you retrieved your secondary arm and got up
  313. > a few of the other guards were staring at you angrily, so you opted to find the captain quickly
  314. > you eventually found the captain outside of the barracks
  315. > he was telling some of the rookies where to go as it turns out
  316. > "Aw sheeeeit nigga, you go stand ovah by pretty horse queen, you go stand over by the dank ass weed monster, and ill be snortin coke off some hot queen's ass who is ma wife n' shieeet."
  317. > no
  318. > not really
  319. > "Oh hey there Sergeant Anonymous. You... you are going to be stationed near the Canterlot train station. Stop anypony suspicious and question them. Random check every once and a while. General guard duty."
  320. "Yes sir."
  321. > he smiled
  322. > you were stoic faced
  323. > "Good work. Move along."
  324. > you have a map
  325. > and you are actually not too far from the train station
  326. > just leave the castle grounds here and-
  327. "Fucking shit."
  328. > the city was gorgeous
  329. > a few lunar guards were out and about making their last rounds
  330. > curious creatures
  331. > half bat half pony
  332. > bat-ponies
  333. > a special ring to it
  334. > you shook your head and looked at the map
  335. "Just take a right here and im there!"
  336. > you laughed to yourself as you looked at the small station
  337. > here it was
  338. > the area you were stationed at
  339. > you took your position on the outside entrance and stood
  340. > now comes the waiting game...
  341. > you stood there, only moving when the sun abruptly decided to shine on your face
  342. > you saw the ponies exit their homes and the streets became crowded
  343. > a few gryphons and minotaurs roamed about
  344. > the ponies paid no mind to you
  345. > but you were trying not to look scared as a family of minotaurs passed by
  346. > the younger minotaur was firmly attached to the... fathers... leg
  347. > how odd
  348. > you sighed in relief as they passed
  349. > you frowned to yourself as a cloaked pony started to pass through
  350. > random checks
  351. > right
  352. > you sidestepped in front of the entrance, not letting the pony pass
  353. "Excuse me sir or ma'am. I'm going to have to ask you to remove your cloak."
  354. > the pony hesitated before responding with a raspy voice
  355. > "Fine, but dont look."
  356. > well that's just not gonn- fucking shit
  357. > the unicorn's horn wasn't a horn as it turns out
  358. > it was a fucking horse dick
  359. > and it wasn't solid
  360. > his dick was on his head, and that was the scariest thing you have ever seen in your entire life
  361. "Put your bloody hood back on and get surgery!"
  362. > the pony flinched before tossing his hood back on
  363. > he continued on his way
  364. > you sighed
  365. "A literal dickhead. How odd... Sometimes i just wanna go home... fucking hell..."
  366. > you felt bad for the guy
  367. > however odd his predicament was, you wouldnt want a dick flopping around on your head
  368. > god that would be embarrassing
  369. > "Sir?"
  370. > you quickly removed your hand from your face and looked down at a white pegasus and his family
  371. > two colts both pegasi
  372. > and a pegasus wife
  373. > the stallion had white fur with a light blue mane/tail color combination
  374. > his wife had a similar color combination, but she had a much shorter stature and wing span
  375. > flying horses
  376. "Yes?"
  377. > the stallion shifted nervously
  378. > "Er well... My kids there were wondering exactly what you are, and i'm curious as well i admit!" He chuckled halfheartedly
  379. > the two colts hid behind their mother
  380. > cute
  381. > you would've liked to be a father
  382. > alas... it shall not happen
  383. "Well. I'm a human, and the only one of my kind here. I was a Priv- er... Sergeant in the United States Marine Corps, a grunt really, but now i serve your Royal Guard."
  384. > the stallion nodded
  385. > "But... Where is your sword?"
  386. > sword?
  387. > Oh jeez.
  388. > Shining Armor let you keep your guns, so you never thought about it.
  389. > you chuckled
  390. "No sword for me. I use a firearm. Or, a gun."
  391. > the stallion looked surprised at that, as did the mare
  392. > "Like the Gryphon's matchlocks, or the Minotaur's cannons?"
  393. > so they had primitive weapons
  394. > great
  395. "No. We are well past matchlocks. Five hundred years past matchlocks. I just use a USP in .45 caliber."
  396. > you pulled out the USP, with the light still attached
  397. > the stallion gasped in shock
  398. > wut
  399. > "Humans must be really advanced then!"
  400. > you smirked and stepped back
  401. "Yes... Yes they were..."
  402. > you frowned and holstered your sidearm
  403. > you motioned for the family to carry on and they did, albeit some confusion
  404. > you stood stock still, ignoring any questions or concerns for a good seven hours before lunch
  405. > you had the morning guard, and the afternoon guard would take your place
  406. > you entered the mess hall with MRE in hand after a rather uneventful walk
  407. > you sat at a table to yourself, a few guards staring at you warily
  408. > surely they did not mean you any harm?
  409. > they were probably thinking the same thing about you
  410. > you hoped you wouldn't have to demonstrate your weapon to them in an angry fashion
  411. > that would end awfully
  412. > and you wouldn't want that to happen, now would you?
  413. > you opened the MRE and started to eat in with a disgusted look
  414. "Sure as hell don't taste good, but it gets the job done."
  415. > you chuckled, then sighed to yourself disappointingly
  416. "Good job America..."
  417. > you kissed the patch on your arm that represented the American flag
  418. > apparently a guard took notice of this and came by to sit down
  419. > "Hey, whatcha doing over here? And why are ya kissing that weird flag? It ain't our flag i know that."
  420. > another asshole
  421. "It's my former country's flag."
  422. > the guard nodded his head
  423. > "Yeah sure. Looks straightforward. Pretty neat looking. Not as filly like as our flag. Looks like a foal created it. Yours looks more endearing."
  424. > ohohoho
  425. > we got a winner here
  426. "So you are interested in the stars and stripes, eh son?"
  427. >You laughed out loud, drawing the attention of many nearby ponies
  428. "Well lemme tell you a story!"
  429. >The pony's ears perked up in anticipation
  430. >A story would be a welcome change in the routine of the barracks
  431. "A man named George Washington, three hundred years ago, used his militia to drive out the British from the American colonies! And we declared our independence!"
  432. >You pumped your fist
  433. >It wasn't the greatest story ever told by any means, but it will have to do
  434. "And the British fought back, but we still kicked their corn cob pipe asses back to those islands and established a Democracy! Get away from the Monarchy that was England!"
  435. >Ponies had gathered around you two, and had begun to ask questions
  436. >"But... Isn't Equestria a monarchy?
  437. >You snapped your fingers and pointed at the pony
  438. "Exactly, and from the looks of it, you guys are set with a great and immortal Queen-"
  439. >"Princess."
  440. >He corrected you
  441. "Shut up. Great immortal PRINCESS."
  442. >You glared at the pony who corrected you
  443. "So ya'll are pretty good by my book."
  444. >Another pony raised his hoof
  445. >You pointed to him
  446. "Yea, what's up?"
  447. >He chuckled nervously, all eyes rolling down upon him
  448. >"What's a 'Democracy'"?
  449. >You don't quite know the exact definition, but what you think it is will have to do!
  450. "It's where the people elect government officials to make their laws. In this case, there are three branches. Judicial, Legislative, and the Executive branch."
  451. >You breathed in hard
  452. "Now, The most important branch is objectively the legislative. They make the laws and shit."
  453. >The ponies flinched at your cursing
  454. >Pussies
  455. "There's the Judicial branch, who protect the constitution and uphold the rights of the american people. They also try criminals."
  456. >Another breath
  457. "Executive doesnt matter. Any questions?"
  458. >Several hooves rose
  459. "Shit."
  460. >You sighed to yourself and pointed to a light purple stallion with a darker purple mane that had an out of place dark blue stripe
  461. "Yeah, you there. With the bat wings."
  462. >The pony snorts and his nose sticks up
  463. >"Bat wings? How rude to compare my wings with those of a bat's. Oh well."
  464. >You didn't like this stallion
  465. >"Now then. Why doesn't your barbaric society have a diarchy or even a monarchy. Surely nothing gets done in this... Democracy... As you put it."
  466. >He looks so full of himself
  467. >The rat bastard...
  468. "Yeah well shit gets done because human nature suggests that we should always be better than the other. That also goes for government and even extends into the sciences. Always gotta be one step ahead. Remind me to tell you FINE folks about the cold war."
  469. >You glare at the bat pony while putting emphasis on the word "fine"
  470. >He notices and glares at you as well
  471. >The pony sticks his nose up and walks out of the mess hall
  472. >Hopefully there wouldn't be another incident like that
  473. >The pony sitting across from you gives you a worried gaze that mellows you out a little
  474. >Just a little
  475. >"He's a little bit rash, yes, but he means well... Most of the time."
  476. >You snort
  477. "Yeah sure. He seems like a kiss ass."
  478. >You point at another pony who had her hoof raised
  479. "You with the green eyes."
  480. >The guard giggles
  481. >"Are you a colt or a filly?"
  482. >Uh... What?
  483. "I'm a male, ma'am."
  484. >The pony and her fellow mare giggled and whispered to eachother as they pranced out of the room
  485. >Whatever
  486. >It didn't bother you much
  487. >At least it gave you some time alone with you and your stars and stripes
  488. >You patted your American Flag patch and flexed your guns
  489. >Good old red white and blue
  490. >You patted the USP at your side
  491. "Yessir it's good to have peace for once."
  492. >You briefly wondered if the Equestrian military had a work out room
  493. >It probably wouldn't be suited to you
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