/V/irgin In Equestria - Chapter 8

>“...Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!”
>The shrill voice makes you bolt out of bed, covers wrapped around you. Stumbling around without your glasses on, you get on your feet and stare bleary eyed at Twilight, who's looking at you anxiously.
“What's wrong? Is the house on fire?” You ask, squinting at her.
>“No, but you need to get up now!”
“Why? What time is it?”
>“No time for questions, just get moving!”
>She positions herself behind you and starts pushing.
“Hey, watch the horn! Is Celestia coming over for a visit?”
>“No.”
“Then what's the rush?” You say while being forced down the ladder, “Can I get my glasses?”
>She levitates them over to you, nearly poking one of your eyes out as them puts them on for you.
“Thanks very much.” You moan, “I could have done that myself.”
>“No time!”
“Okay, stop! What's going on?”
>“Did you forget?”
“Forget what?”
>“Your DS machine. It needs sunlight to work again, that's what Spike said.”
>You gawk at her from six steps down. Her face is one of total ignorance at your displeasure over the unscheduled alarm.
“You're telling me you woke me up early just to get me to recharge my console?”
>“I need to continue that game. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since yesterday, I even dreamt about it last night! Battling fearsome monsters to save the land! I'm absolutely mesmerised by it!”
“I can see that, I'm going back to bed.” You announce, climbing back up.
>“But what about Hyrule?”
“Hyrule will still be there in an hour. If you don't let me wake up on my own terms, Hyrule's gonna go unsaved and be covered in darkness for a week.”
>Twilight tries to come up with a response but groans and leaves in an umbrage. You climb back into bed and close your eyes and lie there for a few minutes before giving up on trying to get back to sleep. Curse that crazy unicorn.

>There's been a hitch in your plan to recharge your DS. A funny fact about trees is that they have these green things called leaves that can block sunlight. Ergo, you've spent the morning, after bathing and breakfast, hunting for a good spot to stick your solar panel, without success. All the ground floor windows were completely unsuitable. Neither were any on the next level, one in particular that had a large, definitely occupied, beehive attached to a branch. How you never noticed it before was a clear indication that your perception skills needed improving. When you asked Spike why Twilight hadn't gotten someone to remove said hive, he looked at you as if you asked him to stop eating gems.
>Going to Twilight yielded a solution, a painfully obvious one if you had bothered to think for a second. After describing the conundrum you were in, one that she too faced if she wanted to continue her save file on Link To The Past, she suggested using the platform atop the tree house where her telescope was situated.
>It was a tight squeeze up the passage leading to the sky deck, but you made it out the other end. You were told that there was going to be constant sunshine all day, so there was no chance of rain damaging your console. The orange light on the DS confirmed the panel was working. Hopefully, it should be fully recharged by the end of the day.
>From this height, you can see all the way to the outskirts of P0nyville and beyond. You then pivot towards Twilight's aforementioned telescope. It certainly looked like it could do its job, though black and white would have been more tasteful instead of seawater blue.
Hmm... You thinking what I'm thinking, brain?
>As always dude. By the way, I think you'll find this appropriate.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqq2R0TnlQ8

>You detach the telescope from the knee high railing and lift it up. It's large but not unwieldy enough for you to need a stand. There's a number of small levers on the side that, when pulled, slide lenses in front of the aperture of the device, allowing for impressive magnification. This would be perfect for some amateur astronomy, hence why it was up here in the first place. You make a point to ask Twilight to try it out on a clear night.
>To fully test out the zoom capability, you swing the telescope around and point it towards Canterlot so that the entire city is in your field of view. Flicking the first lever brings the image closer. You do so for the next six levers until you can discern separate bricks in the protective outer walls. If that wasn't enough, there were still another three levers. It's nice to know that the p0nies have optics mastered.
>You zoom out to see all of Canterlot again. At this magnification, you can just about make out small coloured dots shifting to and from the city, p0nies to be precise. Moving along, you focus on the castle. It still looks as regal as the day you first laid eyes on it, the polished white stone gleaming in the daylight.
>You examine every tower, spying through every single window facing you, watching Celestia's staff doing their jobs. A yellow maned mare performing her cleaning duties catches your eye as she helps herself to some grapes from a fruit basket as she dusts a table. Before she takes what you think is a banana, a pair of pegasus guards fly past your field of vision. You track them as they swoop between the pillars and pirouette in the air, before plummeting and pulling off a loop. No doubt, those pegasi were natural flyers. No jet could have pulled off such tight manoeuvres without the pilot blacking out.

>Leaving the airp0nies to their responsibilities, you return to your long distance examination. There's only one tower left, the tallest in fact, seemingly bereft of windows. As you reach the top however, you're blinded by sunlight reflecting off of something. You wince and wait for the sting to subside before looking back through the telescope. The glare has disappeared, letting you see what tried to rob you of your eyesight.
>Standing on a balcony and staring back at you through a telescope of her own is Princess Celestia.
>Well... this is awkward.

>The alicorn looks delighted to see you, unfurling her wings and waving a hoof. You wave back, unsure of whether or not you'll be punished for wilful invasion of the Princess' privacy.
>Wait a second. Why does she have a telescope in the first place? Is she spying on p0nies like what you're doing?
>Hang on, let's look at this rationally. You're fairly certain voyeurism isn't a pastime she engages in. What she is doing is keeping an eye out for trouble. That's it. She's so concerned with the safety of her subjects that she personally remains vigilant against any threats and doesn't rely solely on her security force. A noble pursuit.
>Still, the idea of being watched at any time without your knowledge sends a shiver down your spine, even if her intentions are good. At least she can only look in a single direction. For once, the lack of electricity is a blessing: No chance of CCTV cameras popping up everywhere overnight.
>Still looking through the telescope, you observe the Princess stepping away from hers. She trots over to where you can see her without being obscured, looks back in your direction, then raises a hoof and points away from Canterlot.
>Does she want you to see something? There's nothing but blue sky. You keep panning until a blob of white comes into view. So much for that weather report.
>You zoom in on the cloud. Yep, it's still a cloud. Moving in some more, now can you see dots moving to and from the watery puff. Pegasi?
>For a cloud, it's not very... well, cloud-shaped.
>That's no cloud, dude, it's a city.
That's crazy, brain, it has to be a cloud.
>Well those look like buildings to me dude.
It's still impossible. How would they even build it?
>Err... Magic dude? Considering all the other crazy shit we've seen, drawing the line at floating cities is a bit absurd.

>“HEY ANON!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ASbN-1wuwXs
>The shock causes you to drop the telescope. It lands on the wooden platform with a sickening crunch.
“Oh no.”
>You hurriedly pick it up and check to make sure nothing is damaged. Lenses are... fine. The outer housing isn't cracked. The handles are... mostly all right. A couple of them are bent but not irreparably so. A bit of muscle bends them back into place and you flick them to make sure they all still operate normally. You hate to imagine how much this telescope costs and having to reimburse Twilight if you broke it, especially since making up with her after what happened two days ago.
>There's a chuckle from behind you, “You sure are clumsy.”
>You turn your head to see Rainbow Dash hovering a foot from the walkway, grinning.
“That wasn't funny.” You say while reattaching the telescope to the railing.
>“Ah come on, it was a little funny.”
>You shake your head.
>She frowns, “Are all humans so uptight? You're just as bad as those stuck-up p0nies in Canterlot.”
“No, what I don't like is people playing jokes on me. That goes for p0nies too. It's completely asinine.”
>“Asi-what?”
“Forget it. Is there something you wanted?”
>“Yeah, there is.” She answers, her smile returning, “I remember something about somep0ny who's not a p0ny owing me a drink.”
“Who promised that exactly, Spike?” You joke.
>“Ha-ha. You're not busy or anything, are you?”
“Nope, nothing on the schedule for today. I'm not jaded enough to turn down christening a new bar. Meet me downstairs.”
>With the answer she was looking for, Rainbow Dash flies over your head and descends  towards the front door of the library. Just because it was before lunchtime didn't mean you needed a good reason to get smashed.

>Rucksack on your back and axe at your side, you're ready for anything, though you doubt you'll be called upon to do some impromptu logging at a moment's notice. When questioned on why you were taking the tool with you, you told Twilight it would be best if Spike wasn't left alone with it while you were absent, lest he attempt to act on some ill-thought out fantasy based on your Zelda game, not to mention there was still the lingering odour of Hydra guts.
>The p0nies in town are much more relaxed regarding your presence than they were yesterday. Maybe it has something to do with your pegasus escort. No matter, it's a nice day and nothing is going to spoil it.
>Rainbow leads you to a cozy looking drinking establishment called 'The Morose Mule.' She goes in ahead of you, allowing for an opportunity to examine your surroundings. The exterior is fairly similar to the other buildings in P0nyville: cream coloured plaster walls, timber framed and a thatch roof. There are a number of tables outside, complete with striped umbrellas, with p0nies sitting at them and enjoying their beverages.
>You briefly thought the noise would cease the moment you sauntered in, like in one of those stereotypical cowboy movies, but not one p0ny looked up from their drinking or chatting to stare ominously at your intrusion into their comfort zone. What a shame, you had a witty one liner prepared for just such an occasion.
"I'm here to drink spirits and chew nuts, and I'm all out of nuts." You opine audibly.
>Hey, you never said it was any good.

>The building is packed. Almost every seat (and by seat, you mean cushion) is taken, even the ones at the bar itself. Conversation, laughter and clinking glasses flow from group to group like white water rapids, merging the different sounds into a melodious cacophony. A trio of stallion earth p0nies on a stage to the right of the entrance, one singing and the other two providing backup on instruments, complement the atmosphere with their musical talents. The song's topic is about the hardships of tilling the soil but the benefits of doing so, including cuddling with their special somep0nies after a hard day's work. Very wRPG, you must say.
>“Anon, over here!”
>Rainbow Dash waves at you from a table in the far corner of the bar. You slide your way between parties of p0nies, doing your utmost not to step on any loose tails. No matter, you manage to make seven different p0nies yelp in pain by the time you rejoin the cyan pegasus. It's not your fault you have such massive feet.

>“So?” Rainbow asks as you sit down on a cushion.
“So... what?”
>“What do you think of the place? Pretty neat huh?”
“I guess. It's a pub, there are pubs back on Earth too. Not a lot of them are as nice as this, I'll admit, the paintings on the walls are a nice touch. I don't know how you were expecting me to react though, I'm not completely oblivious to the outside world like Twilight is.”
>As you slip your backpack off, you can't help but notice Rainbow trying to suppress a laugh. Did you inadvertently hit the nail on the head regarding the p0ny providing you with lodging? Before you get a chance to investigate further, a golden coloured unicorn mare with her grass green mane tied back into a p0nytail approaches your table, levitating a notepad and a stubby pencil in front of her. Hey face lights up at the sight of the pegasus sitting with you.
>“Hey there Rainbow! You're here earlier than usual, what's the occasion? Been accepted into the Wonderbolts finally?”
>“I wish. Nope, I'm being treated today.” She replies with a grin.
>“By who?”
>She points a hoof at you.
“How's it going?” You say to the serving mare.
>The unicorn practically jumps out of her skin at the sight of you.
>“Hey! You're the human, aren't you?”
“The one and only.”
>“Wow. Since this is your first time here, let me give you a warm welcome to the Morose Mule. I'm Apple Crunch, been working here for the last four years and before you ask, I'm not related to the Apple Family, just a coincidence. Everyp0ny always assumes me and Applejack are cousins. Must be because we both have the same freckles.” The way she recites it, she must have told that story tons of times, “Nice to see somep0ny treating Rainbow Dash well, even if you're not a p0ny. Anyway, what can I get for you?”

>There's no menu on the table. How is anyone supposed to order a drink if they don't know what they serve? To be frank, this doesn't look like the sort of establishment where they serve drinks with little paper umbrellas and sparklers in them. You might as well keep it simple.
“You choose first, Rainbow.” You say like the supposed gentleman you are.
>“Huh? Oh right. I'll have... a Maroon Thunder.”
>The mare cocks an eyebrow, “You sure Dash?”
>“I'm not the one paying for it.” She answers with a giggle.
>So much for this pub not being the 'fancy drinks' sort of place. You get a sickly feeling that the pegasus has taken advantage of your indebtedness and just ordered the most expensive beverage on the list. With a name like that, you're getting a mouthful, no matter what she says. Sounds like a fruity cocktail. You're looking forward to it.
>“Hah! That's so you, Rainbow.” Apple Crunch says, telepathically reading your thoughts, “Okay... one Maroon Thunder. What about... sorry, what's your name?”
“Anonymous, but you can call me Anon.”
>“That's a mouthful, Anon it is. What can I get for you?”
“I'll just have a pint of your best bitter, thanks.”
>“Our.. what?”
“Uh...”
Brain, suggestions?
>They probably don't know what you mean, dude.
“Beer.” You clarify, “I'll have a pint of beer.”
>Both Apple Crunch and Rainbow Dash look at you as if you've tried to describe quantum mechanics using a combination of interpretive dance and folk music played in reverse.

Shit. Brain, what now?
>Hell if I know, dude.
Thanks a lot, real helpful.
>My pleasure dude.
“Don't you guys have beer here?” You probe cautiously.
>“Sorry there Anon, but I've got no idea what you're talking about.” Apple Crunch says, “I know every drink that we serve here and I've never heard of anything called beer.”
You sigh, “That's fine, I'll have a lager instead. You've heard of that right?”
>“Nope, never have.”
>This does not bode well.
“What about wine? Sherry? Rum? Gin and tonic? Vodka? Brandy? Whiskey? Liqueurs?”
>“No, no, no, no, no, no, no and... no.”
>This is worse than that time without the coffee two days ago.
“Cider.” You say, getting desperate, “You must have cider.”
>“Oh yeah, of course we have cider. We've still got a couple of casks of Apple Family cider from last season down in the cellar. So that's one Maroon Thunder and... one cider. I'll be right back with your drinks.”
Bugger. That was nearly a catastrophe! Stand down from red alert, brain.
>Standing down dude. Situation normal.

>As the serving mare trots off with your order, you slam your head onto the oak table. You figure that they must have different names for drinks here, it's the only explanation. A White Russian would be called something silly, like a Panda Bear, and a Manhattan would be... a Manehattan? That sounds about right.
>You feel your shoulder being tussled.
>“Err... You okay Anon?”
“I'm fine.”
>You straighten up and sigh. Rainbow Dash sits back down on her cushion and stares out of a nearby window. Every now and then, she flaps her wings. You get the feeling she would have preferred to sit outside.
“So who are the Wonderbolts?”
>“What?”
“Apple Crunch said something about you joining some group called the Wonderbolts just a second ago. What are they, a band?”
>The pegasus laughs, “No. They're only the best fliers in all of Equestria!”
“What do they do?”
>You swear you could see the moment Rainbow's brain switched from manual to automatic.
>“Oh I don't know, how about performing the coolest, most dangerous aerial acrobatics ever, just because they can?” She says, getting excited.
“Sounds great... I don't think you're supposed to be standing on the table, Rainbow.”
>“Great? It's not even awesome, it's... thrilling!” She continues, ignoring your comment, “Amazing even! Ever since I was a filly, all I've ever wanted to do was to join their group. To be able to fly alongside them and dazzle everyp0ny watching us with our spectacular moves! It's be a dream come true!”
“It's great to hear you've got a goal in life. You really should get down now, p0nies are starting to stare.”
>Rainbow's brain flips back to its normal setting. Once she notices the eyes of the surrounding p0nies watching her, she giggles nervously before settling back down.

“So you think you're good enough for them?” You inquire after a few seconds.
>“I don't think I am, I know I am!” She states proudly.
“How'd you figure that out?”
>“I'm the only pegasus to have ever done a Sonic Rainboom for starters.”
>You recall her mentioning this feat back at the palace when you were having tea with the Princess. No explanation was given then, so now seems as a good a time as any to get one.
“What is this Sonic Rainboom exactly?”
>“Only the coolest thing ever!”
“Subjective experience aside, what happens?”
>“There's this point where if I'm going really fast, a loud explosion happens with a bright flash. After that, there's this ring of light that spreads out and I start leaving a rainbow in my wake.”
Brain, she's not seriously suggesting that she can do what I think she's suggesting, is she?
>I think she is dude.
“Bullshit.”
>“What?”
“There's no way you can break the sound barrier. You're fast, I'm not denying that, I remember what happened during our little race. But this, it's impossible. Unless you've got a couple of scramjets under those wings of yours I haven't seen yet.”
>She can't believe that you're doubting her, “I-I've done it three times already! Hundreds of p0nies can back me up!”
“That doesn't prove anything.”
>“What? Of course it does!”
“Okay, prove me wrong.”
>“I will.”
“Go on then.”
>“Fine!”
>Rainbow storms out of the pub. Sighing, you leave your rucksack on the table, hoping that the universal sign for 'occupied' applies here in Equestria as it does back home. As you head for the exit, you see Apple Crunch levitating a tray, carrying the drinks you requested.
>“Hey! Where are you two heading going?” She calls out, barely audible over the rabble.
“Just leave those on our table, we'll be right back.”

>Outside in the cool breeze, you see Rainbow waiting impatiently for you. A number of passing p0nies have stopped to watch the show, as well as some of the Mule's patrons who've come out to observe the bout.
“What's the matter, need my help to get going?”
>“Hardly. I can do this Rainboom blindfolded if it'll make you happy.”
>While the pegasus stretches, you here some of the audience muttering to each other. So much for hundreds of p0nies backing her up, some of them don't even believe she can do it.
“Hey Dash. How about we do make this more interesting?”
>She freezes mid-back stretch, “What did you have in mind?”
“Lets assume for a minute you're as fast as you say you are.”
>“I am.” She states, annoyed.
“Fine. That means you should be able to get from here to Canterlot in no time.”
>“No sweat, I thought you wanted me to do something challenging.”
“Ah ah, I'm not done yet. Let's see,” You begin, “Speed of sound is three hundred and forty metres per second roughly. I'd hazard a guess and say it's ten miles to Canterlot, so about fifteen kilometres... ish. That means... forty four seconds there and forty four back at Mach 1, just under a minute and a half.”
>“Are you finished yet, brainiac?”
“Nearly. So, lets say we round it up to ninety seconds to make it fairer on you. I want solid proof that you actually went to Canterlot and aren't just hiding somewhere so you'll need to bring back something. Hmm... what to choose...”
>You tap your foot, trying to come up with a suitable trophy.
>Oh yes. That'll do. That would be just too perfect.
>“Come on, I'm dying of boredom here.” Rainbow says, kicking a stone away.
“Ready for this?”
>“Come on, stop stalling.”
>You pause for dramatic effect.
“Celestia's crown.”
>Every p0ny in the vicinity goes deathly quiet. The pegasus, on the other hand, can't help but laugh her head off.
>“Wow Anon, you almost had me there.” She says after a minute, wiping a tear away.
“I'm serious.” You say, plainly.
>The smile on her face makes itself scarce. No more noises are coming out of her mouth. The shock on her face would make for a great painting, one of those twenty foot tall ones you would hang over a fireplace in a mansion.

>You summon POKER FACE!
>POKER FACE uses HARDEN
>RAINBOW DASH uses LEER
>But it's ineffective!
>“You really mean it, don't you? I can't do that!”
“What's the matter... Dashie? Chicken?”
>You lay down your best fowl movements. You're especially proud of jerking your head back and forth, much to the amusement of the other p0nies watching. The smugness is just pouring out of you. You catch a glimpse of Rainbow fiercely glaring at you, disliking her mocking nickname and your spot-on poultry impersonation.
>“Ugh, fine! What do I get when I win?”
>You stop clucking. She just won't see reason, will she?
“If.” You strongly emphasise, “If you win, I'll admit that you were right and I was wrong and... I'll take you out for drinks again some other time. Deal?”
>She shakes her head, “No, I want something more than that.”
>More than free booze?
“Name your price.”
>“Hmm... Well, you're not a pegasus, so you can't fill in for my weather duty shifts.” She hums to herself as she mulls over other options, “No... not that either. Oh, I know!”
“Lay it on me, I can take it.”
>“I want you to take me to Las Pegasus.”
>So much for her not wanting more.
“Las Pegasus?”
>“Yep.”
“You don't mean Los Angeles, do you?”
>“No, Las Pegasus. What's a Los Angeles?”
“A city... back on Earth. You want me to take you on holiday?”
>“Yeah.”
“Why?”
>“You said anything. I've never been before and I want to go.”
“Not like you're going to anyway. Shake on it.”
>She raises a hoof and you grab hold of it.
“By the way, if I win, which I will, you can take me instead. I'm curious how you p0nies handle metropolises when there isn't a Princess looking over your shoulder.”
>“No problem, you'll be paying for it anyway.”

>Rainbow resumes getting herself into the zone. As she does, you hear hoofsteps approaching you from behind. You turn to see Apple Crunch, flabbergasted.
>“What have you gone and done, Anon?” She blurts out.
“Nothing. Just a friendly wager. She thinks she can get from here to Canterlot and back again, faster than it takes me to knock out a crafty one.”
>“Knock out... a what?” She says, confused.
>Dude, emergency meeting. Now.
Yes brain, what is it?
>Dude. What have I told you about letting your mouth move without involving me?
What's wrong now?
>First thing dude, you just said that you like playing on the Devil's Clarinet, though thankfully she didn't understand what you meant.
Are you insinuating that most, if not all, of the guys here don't? No great secret that the weird alien might as well. Although, come to think of it, how would they do it without hands?
>Seriously dude, shut up and listen right now before I give you a seizure bad enough to leave you twitching on the ground for a few hours. Second, you just admitted, again in front of a crowd, that you go from a full tank to empty in less than two minutes. Think about that for a second.
Ah... yeah, that would be something I should have kept to myself.
>Yeah, you should have.
>“Anon!” Apple Crunch blares out.
“Sorry, what? I just zoned out there for a second.”
>“I can see that! Why'd you have to do this?”
“Do what?”
>“Get Dash worked up like this! Ugh! If there's one thing she can't resist, it's a challenge!”
“Then me and her have something in common. What's the problem? Ease up.”
>“This'll only end badly, I'm telling you.” The mare huffs before going back inside the pub.

>“I'm ready Anon.” Rainbow announces.
“Good. We're going to need some way to time this. Anyone have a stopwatch?”
>A nearby middle-aged earth p0ny, wearing a pair of half-moon glasses and a waistcoat, does that classic body spasm when he discovers he's suddenly been included in something important.
>“Here! Take my pocket watch.” He says, approaching you, “It hasn't lost any time since I bought it from Weaver's two months ago.”
“That's great. I want you to be my time-keeper. What's your name?”
>“Jumping Jack. I already know who you are Mr. Anonymous.”
“Great, Anon is fine by the way. You're here to keep things fair. Remember, as soon as she leaves the ground, she's got ninety seconds.”
>“Right.” He nods enthusiastically.
>You get the feeling he's the sort of guy who's never had anything exciting happen in his life before, and presenting him with this opportunity is going to be a story he's going to pass down to his grand-kids the moment they come to visit him. You turn your attention back to Rainbow, who looks like she's about to go for the world's record.
“Okay Dash, as soon as I say go, it's all up to you.”
>Rainbow narrows her eyes in anticipation.
“Oh, I nearly forgot.” You add, snapping your fingers, “Last time I saw the Princess was on this balcony on top of the tallest tower at the castle. You know it?”
>She doesn't answer you.
“I'll take that as a yes.”
>Spinning back to your assistant, you see that Jumping Jack has his watch resting on his hoof. How he got it out of his pocket without hands or magic, you didn't see.
“What's the time Jack?”
>“It's nearly ten minutes to the hour, Mr. Anon.”
“Then we start at Ten To. How long until then?”
>“Just over a minute.” He answers.
“Perfect.”

>“Twenty seconds.” Jumping Jack announces.
>The only thing that can be heard is the continuing calm breeze, the twittering of birds and the background noise of P0nyville. Rainbow is still maintaining her pose. You, on the other hand, are standing there, completely relaxed and staring at the pegasus.
>“Fifteen.”
>A bird lands next to Rainbow and pecks at the ground by her left forehoof before flying off.
>“Ten.”
>Time for a few motivational words.
“Spread your wings and fly, Rainbow Dash, God be with you.”
>You think you nailed Zero's accent with that line.
>She unfurls them slowly.
>“Be back in ten seconds flat.” She boasts.
“Sure you will... Dashie.” You give her a wink as you call her that name again. She doesn't flinch.
>“Five, four, three...”
>You hear her inhale deeply. Even with her coat, you can see her muscles tensing up under her skin. She digs her rear hooves into the dusty ground, ready to pounce.
>“One!”
>For the briefest instant, time freezes. A bumblebee flies in front of your eyes. A couple of wood pigeons land on the roof of a house across the road. A tabby cat amuses it self by patting a small ball around. The anticipation of the p0nies surrounding you and Rainbow Dash is burned into your retinas.
>“Go!”

>As Jumping Jack's voice fades, Rainbow Dash leaps into the air. With a powerful beat of her wings, she ascends. Flap after flap, she goes higher and higher. Every pair of eyes is fixed on her. She continues heading skywards, to the point where it's difficult to tell her apart from the blue sky.
>“Five seconds.” Your assistant proclaims.
>The dot high above you then starts rapidly moving horizontally but not in the direction you were expecting.
“What is she doing? She's going completely the wrong direction.” You say, shielding your eyes against the Sun.
>As you finish speaking, Rainbow begins descending.
>Hey dude, I think she's copying your moves.
What?
>Remember dude? It's great for bombing runs at Wake Island!
Oh. Right.
>She's plummeting now.
>“Ten seconds.”
>As she falls, she twists and turns back in the direction of P0nyville. As she does this, you think you can see the beginning of a shock cone forming ahead of her.
“Yeah, I should have known she was telling the truth.”
>You cover your ears as she approaches the town. The instant she flies over your position, a deafening crack resonates inside your skull despite your preparation. The sonic boom knocks plant pots off balconies and frightens every living thing for a hundred yards. True to her words earlier, a ring of colourful light expands from the point where she broke the barrier and a rainbow marks out her traversed path.
“Showoff!” You shout, even though you know she can't hear you.
>“Twenty seconds!”
>The long thin multi-coloured band is streaking across the sky as Rainbow heads towards Canterlot.

>“Twenty-five seconds!”
>You imagine the brief exchange between the Princess and the pegasus as she swoops in and tugs the crown off from Celestia's head. It's a shame you can't be in two places at once, it would make for a brilliant photograph.
>“Thirty seconds!”
>Wait, you just dared Rainbow Dash to effectively steal something from the Princess and not just any random object either, but her crown. So that would be theft, assaulting royalty, fleeing from the scene of a crime and handling stolen goods. Not only that but she's leaving a trail. Straight back to you, the instigator of all this. That'll be a four star wanted rating straight away.
>“Forty seconds!”
>That means she should be getting to the castle soon. She must be going much faster than Mach 1, you can tell that from watching her go. You pray that the Princess has stopped her 'Eye In The Sky' activities and gone inside for a snack.
>“Fifty seconds!”
>You can see the rainbow starting to curve back. Shit, Celestia must still have been at her lookout point. Let's see, where can you hide before she sends her guards out to arrest you? Hell, it didn't look like anyone ever goes into that forest by Fluttershy's cottage, that'd be a great place to stay until the heat cools off. Then again, that would be the first place where they would search for you. You wonder what means of long distance transportation the p0nies have.

>“One minute!”
>You begin to imagine what prison in Equestria is like. Would they give you your own cell or would you have to share one? Do they even have prison here? Would they send you to that Tartarus place instead? To Hell with it all, you can deal with that later once you get taken to court.
>“One minute, ten!”
>As you follow the rainbow, you notice that it abruptly stops. What does that mean? Is she all right? God, you've been really stupid, more so than that time you tried making your own cheese from old milk back home.
>“One minute, twenty!”
>You look high and low and can't see Rainbow anywhere.
>“One minute, twenty-five!”
>Looks like you're going to win after all. Not that it's much condolence to you.

>“And... that's... ti-!”
>Before Jumping Jack gets to finish, Rainbow Dash comes to a screeching halt in front of you, kicking up a thick cloud of dust. You wait for it to settle and soon see the golden shine of Celestia's crown, its brilliance shooting beams of light in all directions.
>“Time!” Jack finishes.
>Well that's you well and truly screwed.
>“Las Pegasus, here I come!” She bellows.
>The p0nies stamp on the ground in applause and Rainbow begins doing a little jig to celebrate her victory, even though she completely out of breath. She's wearing the crown on top of her head, tilted slightly to one side.
>“Hey... hey Anon!” She says between gasps for air, “Do you have that black square thing with you?
“The what?”
>“You know, your... Whew, am I tired. Your little box, the one that can do everything.”
“My phone? Yeah I've got it with me. Why?”
>“Take a picture.”
You huff derisively, “Why should I?”
>“Because if you don't, I'll say to the guards when they find me that you made me do it so you could melt it down and turn it into a plate to eat your human food from.”
>Rainbow didn't just cross the line, she leapt over it and got a perfect landing.
“You little cow.” You mutter as you get your phone out.
>You switch it on and are immediately drawn to the battery symbol. It's still at 36% power remaining. Why did you bring this with you anyway? Force of habit probably.
“Okay, let's make this quick. Stand over there.”
>“Why not here?”
“Because the light reflecting off that huge tiara your wearing will white-out the image. Stand over there. Please.”

>She takes her time getting to where you asked her to move to. The other p0nies that haven't dispersed are still cheering her on. This prompts her to pose for them, flexing as she does. All this grandstanding is starting to make your blood boil.
“Whenever you're ready Rainbow.” You say, getting frustrated.
>She stops and promptly sets herself up to be photographed. You raise the phone, make sure the pegasus is in focus and snap away. You save it as 'Day You Threw Your Life Away.'
“Come here.” You wave at her to come over.
>She lazily trots towards you and you show her the picture you took.
“Satisfied?”
>Predictably, she isn't.
>“I don't know, any chance you could make me look... cooler?”
>She can't be serious.
“Rainbow Dash. Let me make this perfectly clear: You have the crown of Princess Celestia, a being so powerful she can move the Sun just by willing it to, sitting on top of your thick skull right now. You're making me take pictures. At what point do you think that spongy brain-like mass inside your head is going to start working and tell you what a bad idea it is having photographic evidence of this? What was it you said earlier? Oh yes, that you're the only one in all of Equestria that can do a Sonic Rainboom. How big do you think their list of suspects is going to be when they have a rainbow pointing in the direction you fled?”
>The vainglorious look on her face quickly erodes.
>“Just one more picture?” She asks.
>Her attempt at feigning meekness is the last straw. You think you feel something pop inside your head.
“You. Inside. Drinks. Now.”

>There's a brief lull in the noise as you re-enter the Morose Mule. There's some muffled laughs and hushed whispers as you make your way back to your seat, which you flop onto. Rainbow does likewise, though with more enthusiasm. In your absence, Apple Crunch had brought another cushion to the table and sat there, waiting for the two of you to return. If she had fingers, she would have been rapping them on the oak surface. Nevertheless, she's looking none too pleased.
>“You two airheads done with your game?” She gripes.
“Yep, well and truly.” You affirm, keeping in character with the pub's name.
>“Good, have your drinks then.”
>Rainbow doesn't need permission as she's already grabbed her glass and begun slurping at it. True to its name, the Maroon Thunder had dark red layers of fluid separated by white streaks. There are also chunks of fruit floating on the surface and you spot what appears to be pineapple, slices of lemon, and a few grapes. It must be pretty tasty judging by how the pegasus is lapping it up. She's still wearing the crown, making it look like she's lost the rest of a hen party.
>As for your drink, there's a large pewter stein resting on the table. Popping the top off, there's the reassuring hiss of bubbles popping, letting you know your beverage is still fizzy. If it had gone flat, that axe you're still carrying would have found itself buried in whatever was unfortunate enough to be nearby at the time.
>“What're you waiting for Anon? Flanks up!” Rainbow chortles before going back to her drink.
>You lift the stein and give the cider a sniff. Its aroma is pleasing enough. The fluid is a deep rich brown colour and you can't see the bottom of the mug. This is the real home-brewed stuff. Hopefully it'll be strong enough to knock you on your arse.
“Down the hatch.”

Brain, give me a status report.
>Not much to tell dude. There are apples in it, if that's what you want to know.
Besides the glaringly obvious, anything else?
>Fruity but not overbearingly so. Not rough on the throat. No grit either, which is always good. This would go great with a roast dinner. Lets see, what else is there... Oh.
What?
>Don't panic dude.
Why? What's wrong?
>I don't want to worry you dude. It's best if you don't know.
That's the last thing you should say if you don't want someone to worry. What's wrong?
>You're sure you want to know dude?
Yes.
>Really sure?
Yes. For the last time, what's wrong?
>Promise me something dude.
What?
>Promise that you won't go ballistic and fly off the handle.
Here I am making a promise to a voice in my head... Yes, I promise not to lose my cool. Now what's wrong?
>To put it as simply as possible...
Yeah?
>THERE'S NO ALCOHOL.

>You slam the stein onto the table, causing the two p0nies sitting with you to jump.
“Is this a joke or something?”
>Apple Crunch looks a little disturbed by your sudden mood shift.
>“I- I don't know what you mean Anon.” She falters.
“I wanted cider, not carbonated cloudy apple juice. Get me a cider. Now.”
>“Anon, what's your problem?” Rainbow says, coming to the defence of her friend, “That's what she got you.”
“This is your doing, isn't it?” You accuse, pointing a finger at the cyan p0ny.
>“What? What are you talking about?”
“It's not enough that you're getting me to pay for your drink. It's not enough that I agreed to take you to Las Feathersus-”
>“Las Pegasus.” She corrects.
You slam your fist onto the table, “Don't. Interrupt me. After all of that, you still went and did... this!”
>You shove the stein towards her, causing some of the apple juice to slosh out.
>“Seriously Anon, I don't know what you're talking about!”
“Oh really? Then you won't mind if I have some of yours then.”
>You snatch the glass away from the pegasus and take a gulp before she has a chance to recover it.
>“Hey, that's mine!”
>You return the glass and scrutinise the after-taste. Tastes like cherry flavoured Powerade mixed with vanilla. To be perfectly honest, you would have preferred strawberries and cream.
“Oh, you sure do commit, don't you?”
>“Anon, you're being a real jerk right now.”
“Not as much as you. Ordering a drink with no alcohol in it? Very sneaky.”
>Your fifth to last word makes Rainbow look at Apple Crunch, who shrugs at her, before looking back at you.
>“What's alcohol?”

“This is unbelievable. Rainbow, you really expect me to believe you don't know what alcohol is?”
>“I don't. Really.”
“Don't lie to me. Ethanol. Two carbon, six hydrogen, one oxygen, nine atoms in total? Produced by fermentation? Any of that ring a bell?”
>“None of it.”
“Apple Crunch, what about you?”
>She shakes her head, not taking her eyes off you.
You sigh, “Fine.”
>You turn around and tap the nearest p0ny on the back.
“Hey mate.”
>An older looking mare faces you.
“Sorry miss, I still can't tell you p0nies apart from behind. Quick question, ever heard of something called alcohol before?”
>She thinks for a while, “No, not that I recall.”
>Not the answer you were looking for to be perfectly honest.
“What about the rest of you?” You say to the other p0nies that are sitting with the mare, “Ever heard of alcohol?”
>They talk amongst themselves for a minute before coming to a consensus.
>“No.” They answer all at once.
You nod uncertainly, “Thanks anyway.”
>You return to Rainbow and Apple Crunch. They're both staring at you with anger in their eyes.
“No alcohol?”
>Apple Crunch shakes her head.
“...I may have over-reacted just now.”
>“Yeah you did.” Apple Crunch confirms.
>You really screwed up, more so than that time you accidentally stacked tampons in with the baking goods back at the supermarket and customers thought they were some new cooking gadget. You take the stern back and work on finishing the contents off.
“This is some good apple juice.” You convey, trying to lighten the atmosphere.
>It doesn't work.

“How can you not have alcohol?” You say, breaking the unbearable silence, “Humans have had it forever.”
>“Simple. We're not humans.” Apple Crunch answers, “That solve your riddle?”
“No.”
>“Tough.”
>Spaghetti is on the menu today. Way to be an ambassador for your species, you might as well have pissed in Rainbow's drink for all the good you did.
“How much do I owe?”
>“Let's see.” Apple Crunch begins, “For the two drinks, seventeen Bits. For the emotional damage, I'm sure me and Rainbow can figure something out.”
>Way to twist the knife. You open your rucksack and take out a ceramic cylinder. You count out the coins and leave them on the table. The awkwardness is going to kill you if you stay any longer.
“I know it won't mean much but...” You hesitate, “I'm sorry. To both of you. I've got a short fuse, I admit it. It's something I really need to work on.”
>Apple Crunch rolls her eyes. Rainbow looks sullenly at the dregs of her drink.
“You'd better give me Celestia's crown, Rainbow. It was my stupid idea and I think it's best that you don't have it when the guards do arrive.”
>Without a word, she flicks the golden wreath off from her head and you catch it, quickly stuffing it into your bag. You're about to leave but your conscience makes its presence known by kicking you in the proverbial mental nutsack.
“Damn it all... Hey Rainbow.”
>You unzip your backpack again, take out another cylinder and roll it along the table towards her.
“Buy yourself another drink, it's only fair right?”
>She takes the cylinder and cracks it open, allowing the twenty Bits inside to fall out. A flicker of a smile appears. That makes you feel a lot better.
“See you later. Nice meeting you too, Apple Crunch.”
>The mare nods at you and with that, you depart the Morose Mule and head back to the library.

>The two mares watch you leave. They wait for another minute until they break out in laughter.
>“Do you think that was enough of a punishment?”
>Rainbow cracks a smirk, “Maybe a bit too much.”
>“I guess guys are the same everywhere. If there are such things as human girls, they must have a lot of fun with them.” She can't help herself from giggling, “Did you see how I twisted him around my hoof?”
>“More like you broke him in half. Not even Discord was that evil.”
>“Just call me Poisoned Apple.” Apple Crunch expresses as she gathers the Bits together, “A real shame though.”
>“What is?” Rainbow replies.
>“That he's not a p0ny.”
>“What? Anon?”
>“Yeah.”
>“Why?”
>“I'm saying that if he had four legs, I'd be wondering if he wanted a special somep0ny.”
>Rainbow can't help but laugh her sides off, “You're crazy, you have to be! You've only known him an hour, tops! He's not even your type, let alone a p0ny!”
>“I don't know. He's assertive, confident, daring, challenging, he can admit when he makes mistakes. What p0ny do you know who's like that?”
>“Well... none, but that's not the point! You're always like this, you know.”
>“Like what?” Apple Crunch asks, shocked at the accusation.
>“A stallion comes along and you fall head over hooves for him. Then you find out he likes wearing dresses in secret or something.”
>“Hey!” She snaps, getting defensive, “That only happened once and I thought we both agreed not to talk about it ever again!”
>“'I'm Princess Cadence, here to spread love to all the p0nies in Equestria!'” Rainbow mimicked with the lowest voice she could generate.
>“Shut up Dash! Ugh, now I can see it again! Ah! That pink lipstick!”
>Rainbow is now cackling madly, “Can you get me another Maroon Thunder? It'll take your mind off Shiny Swift and his weird fantasies.”
>Sighing, the mare writes down the order in her notebook, “Sometimes I wonder why we're still friends.”
>“Because we're closer than sisters, that's why.”

>As you approach the tree house, you wonder if Rainbow would ever forgive you for your brash actions. You get the feeling she's great at holding grudges and would make it her mission to make your life as miserable as possible for embarrassing her the way you did. That Apple Crunch seemed like the type to help out with that objective as well.
>What a shame that you can't see into the future. Some prior warning would have been really great back at the pub. Oh well, each day has it's own problems. You can deal with their venom later.
>You calmly open the front door of the library. As you crawl inside, you immediately see Twilight anxiously pacing around the open space.
“You really want to continue that game, don't you?” You say, shutting the door behind you.
>“Huh? Oh, it's you Anon. No, it's something much worse. Look at this.”
>Her horn lights up and she brings over a piece of paper.
“What is it?
>“A letter from Princess Celestia. It just arrived a few moments ago.”
>You take the bulletin and instantly notice the numerous splotches on it. As you read the message, you get a good idea of what the marks are.
“Are these tear drops?” You ask, pointing at them.
>She nods vigorously, “Celestia is completely distraught! She'd taken her crown off and left it on her balcony so she could brush her mane. A minute later, it's gone! She had the guards check the grounds in case the wind had blown it off.”
“And they couldn't find it, right?”
>“Exactly! The only other explanation was that something or, dare I say, some p0ny sneaked past the castle's defences and stole one of the Princess' most prized possessions!”
“Or flew in, how about that?” You suggest.
>“Yes! That has to be it! How else would they have gotten past the defences? They would have to have been going really fast too, impossibly so. That's really clever of you Anon.”
“Yeah, imagine that. Do the guards have any idea who might have done it?”
>“No clues at all. Whoever did this left no trace. What I would do to them if I could get my hooves on those scoundrels”
>For a second, you thought the crown in your rucksack was going to go all Head of Jebediah Springfield on your conscience. At least they have no suspects, that's a load off your mind. But you're going to have to find a way to return the crown somehow. You don't think Celestia can just order a replacement from a catalogue and you don't like the idea of being labelled a scoundrel.

“Hey Twilight, can I borrow some paper and a pen... I mean, a quill and some ink?
>She looks taken aback by your request, “Of course Anon, what for?”
“Nothing special. I've just got to make a list. That and write back to Princess Luna.”
>Her face perks up, “Writing a list eh? You're talking to the number one list writing expert in all of Equestria here. I've got a book that could help... did you say Luna? Oh, that letter you got yesterday was from her?”
“Yeah, I get the feeling it's going to be a regular occurrence from now on.”
>“Good for you Anon and good for her too, I always wondered if she had any friends. Just hang on, I'll be right back.”
>As the unicorn trots off to find some supplies, you sum up all the things you need to invent while you're here. It doesn't take much effort to work out what will be occupying the top spot.
>It's time to tap into an unexplored market. You're going to expand its fanbase. Now, liquor is going after the clean and sober audience.
>You hope Celestia won't mind too much if you use some of her subjects as guinea pigs for any booze you manage to concoct. Maybe you'll even get her to try some your elixir once you've made some.
>You briefly imagine having to deal with a tipsy princess and you have a chuckle to yourself at the image of her slightly off balance and hitting on one of her guards.
>That's a good point actually, how would p0nies react to alcohol? It's going to be fun finding out, as long as it doesn't involve criminal charges. You know, besides the ones you're already guilty of if you get caught with the crown.