nohooves

Sunset's Midlife Crisis [✔]

Oct 7th, 2017
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  1. "Hey Sunset, hows it going?"
  2. >Sunset holds her head in her hand looking wistfully at the window.
  3. >"Oh, nothing much."
  4.  
  5. "Well, clearly something's eating at you."
  6. >You take a seat next to her, laying a comforting hand on her shoulder.
  7. >"No really, it's nothing. I'm just -- please don't sit there. That's Ray's favorite spot -- I'm just thinking."
  8. >You ignore her protests, squeezing her shoulder as compassionately as possible.
  9. "Thinking about what?"
  10. >Sunset glares daggers at you.
  11. >"About why you're still taking up Ray's spot. Please get up."
  12. "Fine, fine. Jesus."
  13.  
  14. - -
  15.  
  16. "--And then she told me to get up, just like that! Cold as ice, man."
  17. >You faithfully recount the earlier events to Rarity, with no embellishments whatsoever.
  18. >She listens to your every word as aptly as her work allows. You think.
  19. >"Darling, do you mind? I'm working right now."
  20. ""Get out," she said. Ushered me out of her place just because I sat on Ray's seat. I had a cup of ramen rollin' in the microwave, too! Element of empathy, my ass."
  21. >"PLEEEASE. The customers are staring. Can't we talk about this later?"
  22. "Absolutely not. This is a dead serious matter. Life or death. I was denied my rightful cup of ramen."
  23. >Rarity sighs deeply, her shoulders slouching in defeat.
  24. "Anyways, as I was saying--"
  25. >"What's y'all doing here, botherin' Rarity at work?"
  26. >Applejack walks into the conversation, completely unaware of what she's getting into.
  27. >Her apron covered in fruit-scented splotches, still fresh from her shift.
  28. >She's casually sipping on an extra large cup specifically manufactured for obese manchildren.
  29. >"Oh, thank goodness. Applejack, darling, could you PLEASE escort this ruffian out of the store? I can't afford to get another warning from my manager because SOMEONE can't take cues when they're unwanted."
  30. >"First of all, Rares, I ain't your handmaiden--"
  31. "See? Rarity, you really need to learn not to boss people around like they're your servants or something."
  32. >"--shush, sugarcube, I'm addressing the lady here--"
  33. "Please don't assume my gender like that."
  34. >"--Second, I ain't about to deal with this on my lunch break."
  35. >Rarity tugs at her face with both hands, inverting her lower eyelids in frustration.
  36. >"APPLEJACK, PLEEEEEASE," whines the fashionista. "I don't wanna lose this job!"
  37. >Applejack rolls her eyes in the only way she can -- with absolute disdain.
  38. >"Fiiiine."
  39. >You feel a calloused hand dragging you out of the store.
  40. "She took my ramen, Rarity. You hear me? Think of the ramen!"
  41. >"Y'all best keep your mouth, sugarcube."
  42. "This conversation isn't over yet, Rarity! I'll be back!"
  43. >"No you won't."
  44.  
  45. - -
  46.  
  47. "Twilight, We need to talk. This is an emergency."
  48. >The lavender nerd looks up from her tablet, visibly annoyed.
  49. "Life or death. Ramen deprivation of the highest degree--"
  50. >Something shiny catches your attention.
  51. "Ooooh, are these the new TwiPads?"
  52. >Twilight snaps up the display model from out of your hands.
  53. >"Nuh-uh. You are banned from the premise. Do you know how much trouble I got into when you loaded meatspin on every single device on display?"
  54. "Oh, come on. It was for the good of humanity."
  55. >"For the good of-- Loading gifs of rotating penis was for the good of humanity??"
  56. "For the good of LGBTQ community, to be exact."
  57. >"Do you think that was funny? I was reprimanded and suspended without pay!"
  58. "Eh, that's what you get for being a wagecuck for the corporate overlords."
  59. >"My parents own the company!"
  60. "Sheesh, and they still docked your pay? Talk about terrible parenting."
  61. >"That's not terrible parenting! The store was full of flopping--"
  62. >Twilight pinches the bridge of her nose.
  63. >"I can't believe I got sucked into a conversation with you. Again. What the hell you want?"
  64. "Emergency. Life or death. Ramen deprivation of the highest degree."
  65. >"Yes, you said as much."
  66. "Sunset sighed a lot, stared out the window for a while, then kicked me out of her apartment."
  67. >Twilight looks unfazed.
  68. "Yeah, okay. That last part is probably unsurprising, but come on! Sunset sighed a lot."
  69. >"And stared out the window a bunch."
  70. "Yes!"
  71. >The lavender nerd chews on her lip.
  72. >"I uh, what's wrong with that?"
  73. "She did it a lot. Like, at least twice as much as usual."
  74. >"Maybe she's just depressed? Having a bad period?"
  75. "I don't think so. She's already had her period last Tuesday."
  76. >"Ah, I see." A pause. "How do you know that?"
  77. "I rummaged through her trash."
  78. >"Wow. That's uh..."
  79. >Twilight tries to find the right words to say.
  80. >"I mean... Wow. That's really creepy. Like, serial-killer levels of creepy."
  81. "Don't worry, I shred any bills or paystubs I find in the trash. I respect her privacy."
  82. >"Please get out before I call the security."
  83.  
  84. - -
  85.  
  86. "Hey Rarity. I'm back."
  87. >"Hello! Welcome to-- YOU AGAIN!"
  88. "Did you know that Twilight's parents own the company where she works at?"
  89. >"I AM CALLING THE-- What?"
  90. "That fancy tech joint where Twilight works. Her parents own the franchise."
  91. >"Oh my," Rarity covers her mouth daintily. "I mean, I kind of ASSUMED based on the name of their product, but..."
  92. "I know, right? TwiPad, TwiPhone, TwiPod..."
  93. >"My goodness!"
  94. "I mean, which came first? The child's name or the product name? Did they name their kid after their brand?"
  95. >"Please don't tell anyone I said this, darling, but... What a blasé name if true! I truly feel sorry for her."
  96. "Yeah, no wonder she's still a virgin."
  97. >Rarity's face scrunches up at that comment.
  98. >"Say, why are you here again?"
  99. "We need to talk about Sunset."
  100. >"Ah," the fashionista simply states.
  101. "I've been thinking about it while getting dragged out of the Intellectual Bar--"
  102. >"Blasé name for a store."
  103. "Uh-huh. So I've been thinking..."
  104. >Rarity blinks, waiting for you to continue.
  105. "Do you think Sunset is depressed?"
  106. >The fashionista thinks for a minute.
  107. >"Say, does she sigh a lot?"
  108. "Yes."
  109. >"Stares out the window?"
  110. "That too."
  111. >"Owns dozens of cats?"
  112. "No. She has Ray, remember? Lumpy lizard thing?"
  113. >"Hmm, tomayto tomahto."
  114. >Rarity collects herself, straightening out her outrageously decorated skirt.
  115. >She straightens out her hair while she's at it, just because she's Rarity and that's her shtick.
  116. >"Darling,"
  117. >She lets the first word hang in the air like she's about to make an important speech.
  118. >"I think our Sunset might be going through a midlife crisis."
  119. >A pause.
  120. "Rarity, Sunset's not even old enough to smoke."
  121. >"In human years, yes. But she's from Equestria. Hors-- errm, 'ponies' age differently than humans."
  122. "Whoa whoa whoa, you're saying she's a granny now?"
  123. >"Please don't be daft. I mean that since she's a pony, it's likely that she's already lived more than half of her lifespan by now."
  124. "Oh."
  125. >"Indeed."
  126. "That explains why she got pissy and kicked me out of her place."
  127. >"Darling, I'm afraid that's entirely on your less than charming personality."
  128. >The fashionista's cultured jab flies over your head, entirely unnoticed.
  129. "So uh, how do we pull her out of her mid-horselife crisis? I've never had one, and I imagine you haven't either."
  130. >"Indeed I have not, but I know someone who went through something like it awhile ago."
  131.  
  132. - -
  133.  
  134. >"[Hello, Hondo Flanks speaking.]"
  135. "Hi, Mr. Honda. I'm a friend of Rarity's."
  136. >"[Ah, uhm. It's 'Hondo,' son.]"
  137. "Right. Anyway, I've got an important question to ask you, Mr. Honda."
  138. >"[It's-- oh, nevermind. Go ahead, kid.]"
  139. "I hear you went through a midlife crisis awhile ago."
  140. >A pause.
  141. >"[Did my daughter set you up on this? I told her that I already sold the damned vintage coin collection months ago--]"
  142. "Well, no. She gave me your phone number. I have a friend who might be going through a midlife crisis of her own."
  143. >"[Who? Is it Rarity?]"
  144. "Err, no. Unless she's much older than she looks."
  145. >"[Oh.]"
  146. "Yeah. Uhm, how did you get through your midlife crisis? Is there something you *do* to get over it, meds, whatever else...?"
  147. >"[Well, my daughter would have you believe that buying a bunch of worthless junk until you've had enough tends to help a bit--]"
  148. "She actually did say that, yes."
  149. >"[--right. She's never going to let me live through that vintage coin collection thing, is she?]"
  150. "I don't think so."
  151. >"[Like mother like daughter, I guess. Anyway, a midlife crisis is not something you can just magically fix with a fancy car, drugs, mistresses--]"
  152. "Or a vintage coin collection."
  153. >"[--or that, yes. You just kinda have to... You know, endure through it. Although, finding something you really enjoy doing and doing a lot of it seemed to help immensely in my case.]"
  154. "Ah. What did you do?"
  155. >"[Collect vintage coins.]"
  156. "I see."
  157. >"[Look, kid. If you want to help your friend, help her find something she really enjoys and encourage her to do a lot of it. And don't scold her for doing it every night at the dinner table even if it's burning a hole through your college fund and taking up space in the design room against your wishes.]"
  158. "That last bit was oddly specific, but thank you Mr. Honda."
  159. >"[It's Hondo Flanks.]"
  160. "Right."
  161. >"[And do me a big favor, will ya?]"
  162. "Sure thing."
  163. >"[Next time, please hesitate to call me again.]"
  164. "I don't think that's how the saying goes."
  165. >"[Goodbye, kid.]"
  166. >*Click*
  167.  
  168. - -
  169.  
  170. Several days later...
  171.  
  172. "Hey Sunset, hows it going?"
  173. >Sunset tilts her head sideways, staring lovingly at you.
  174. >"Oh, nothing much. How about you?"
  175. "Nothing much at all, Shimsham. Nothing much at all."
  176. >The mane six exchange glances with each other.
  177. >"That's good to hear."
  178. >Sunset grabs your cheek with both hands, closing in for a small peck on your nose.
  179. >"I have to go to the library for a group project. Catch you later?"
  180. >You grin.
  181. "I'd be disappointed if you didn't."
  182. >Sunset steps away, waving at you and the rest of the group.
  183. >"Well, seems like she's out of the rut," remarks Rainbow.
  184. >"She looks so happy," adds Fluttershy.
  185. >Rarity nudges at you with her elbow.
  186. >"What exactly did you do?"
  187. >You smirk.
  188. "Oh, I found something she enjoys, and gave her lots of it."
  189. >Rarity smiles.
  190. >"Why, that's so generous of you! What was it? Flowers? Ooh! She really loves sunflowers."
  191. >The pink menace juts into the shot from an impossible angle.
  192. >"Oh! Oh! Oh! Did you give her a bundle of sunflowers? A dozen sunflowers? A dozen bundle of a dozen sunflowers???"
  193. >You gently push the sugar addict out of your face.
  194. "Well, there's one thing she likes even more than sunflowers."
  195. >Applejack looks incredulous.
  196. >"No... Y'all can't possibly mean--"
  197. >Your smirk widens.
  198. "Yep. Shimjobs."
  199. >A silence falls across the lunch table.
  200. "I gave her Shimjobs. Lots of it."
  201. >"What?!"
  202. >Twilight looks stricken.
  203. >"Is... Is that even possible? Can a non-Shimmer even perform a Shimjob? On an actual Shimmer, no less?"
  204. "It took a lot of effort, but yes. I made it work."
  205. >"I... I need to go," Twilight stammers, "this needs further research. I need to gather some reagents ASAP."
  206. >"Whoa nelly." Applejack takes off her stetson with respect, ignoring the lavender nerd muttering something about orange peels and can openers.
  207. >Fluttershy looks awestruck. She kneels before you, her outstretched hands brushing against the hem of your pants like a faithful being proselytized by a revered saint.
  208. >"We are unworthy," she whispers.
  209. >"I can't believe it," says Rainbow, her cheeks stained with tears. "You did the impossible. I... You Shimjob'd the Shimmer. I can't even..."
  210. >Rarity faints, her face plopping down on a bowl of spaghetti.
  211. >You look up into the bright, cloudless sky, staring beyond the depths of the universe.
  212. >In this moment, you are euphoric.
  213. >Not because of any phony sun god's blessing -- but because you are enlightened by your own ability to perform Shimjobs.
  214. >The only human alive, besides Sunset, to achieve this monumental ability.
  215. "Yes, Rainbow. I Shimjob'd the Shimmer."
  216.  
  217. THE END
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