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- "Hey Sunset, hows it going?"
- >Sunset holds her head in her hand looking wistfully at the window.
- >"Oh, nothing much."
- "Well, clearly something's eating at you."
- >You take a seat next to her, laying a comforting hand on her shoulder.
- >"No really, it's nothing. I'm just -- please don't sit there. That's Ray's favorite spot -- I'm just thinking."
- >You ignore her protests, squeezing her shoulder as compassionately as possible.
- "Thinking about what?"
- >Sunset glares daggers at you.
- >"About why you're still taking up Ray's spot. Please get up."
- "Fine, fine. Jesus."
- - -
- "--And then she told me to get up, just like that! Cold as ice, man."
- >You faithfully recount the earlier events to Rarity, with no embellishments whatsoever.
- >She listens to your every word as aptly as her work allows. You think.
- >"Darling, do you mind? I'm working right now."
- ""Get out," she said. Ushered me out of her place just because I sat on Ray's seat. I had a cup of ramen rollin' in the microwave, too! Element of empathy, my ass."
- >"PLEEEASE. The customers are staring. Can't we talk about this later?"
- "Absolutely not. This is a dead serious matter. Life or death. I was denied my rightful cup of ramen."
- >Rarity sighs deeply, her shoulders slouching in defeat.
- "Anyways, as I was saying--"
- >"What's y'all doing here, botherin' Rarity at work?"
- >Applejack walks into the conversation, completely unaware of what she's getting into.
- >Her apron covered in fruit-scented splotches, still fresh from her shift.
- >She's casually sipping on an extra large cup specifically manufactured for obese manchildren.
- >"Oh, thank goodness. Applejack, darling, could you PLEASE escort this ruffian out of the store? I can't afford to get another warning from my manager because SOMEONE can't take cues when they're unwanted."
- >"First of all, Rares, I ain't your handmaiden--"
- "See? Rarity, you really need to learn not to boss people around like they're your servants or something."
- >"--shush, sugarcube, I'm addressing the lady here--"
- "Please don't assume my gender like that."
- >"--Second, I ain't about to deal with this on my lunch break."
- >Rarity tugs at her face with both hands, inverting her lower eyelids in frustration.
- >"APPLEJACK, PLEEEEEASE," whines the fashionista. "I don't wanna lose this job!"
- >Applejack rolls her eyes in the only way she can -- with absolute disdain.
- >"Fiiiine."
- >You feel a calloused hand dragging you out of the store.
- "She took my ramen, Rarity. You hear me? Think of the ramen!"
- >"Y'all best keep your mouth, sugarcube."
- "This conversation isn't over yet, Rarity! I'll be back!"
- >"No you won't."
- - -
- "Twilight, We need to talk. This is an emergency."
- >The lavender nerd looks up from her tablet, visibly annoyed.
- "Life or death. Ramen deprivation of the highest degree--"
- >Something shiny catches your attention.
- "Ooooh, are these the new TwiPads?"
- >Twilight snaps up the display model from out of your hands.
- >"Nuh-uh. You are banned from the premise. Do you know how much trouble I got into when you loaded meatspin on every single device on display?"
- "Oh, come on. It was for the good of humanity."
- >"For the good of-- Loading gifs of rotating penis was for the good of humanity??"
- "For the good of LGBTQ community, to be exact."
- >"Do you think that was funny? I was reprimanded and suspended without pay!"
- "Eh, that's what you get for being a wagecuck for the corporate overlords."
- >"My parents own the company!"
- "Sheesh, and they still docked your pay? Talk about terrible parenting."
- >"That's not terrible parenting! The store was full of flopping--"
- >Twilight pinches the bridge of her nose.
- >"I can't believe I got sucked into a conversation with you. Again. What the hell you want?"
- "Emergency. Life or death. Ramen deprivation of the highest degree."
- >"Yes, you said as much."
- "Sunset sighed a lot, stared out the window for a while, then kicked me out of her apartment."
- >Twilight looks unfazed.
- "Yeah, okay. That last part is probably unsurprising, but come on! Sunset sighed a lot."
- >"And stared out the window a bunch."
- "Yes!"
- >The lavender nerd chews on her lip.
- >"I uh, what's wrong with that?"
- "She did it a lot. Like, at least twice as much as usual."
- >"Maybe she's just depressed? Having a bad period?"
- "I don't think so. She's already had her period last Tuesday."
- >"Ah, I see." A pause. "How do you know that?"
- "I rummaged through her trash."
- >"Wow. That's uh..."
- >Twilight tries to find the right words to say.
- >"I mean... Wow. That's really creepy. Like, serial-killer levels of creepy."
- "Don't worry, I shred any bills or paystubs I find in the trash. I respect her privacy."
- >"Please get out before I call the security."
- - -
- "Hey Rarity. I'm back."
- >"Hello! Welcome to-- YOU AGAIN!"
- "Did you know that Twilight's parents own the company where she works at?"
- >"I AM CALLING THE-- What?"
- "That fancy tech joint where Twilight works. Her parents own the franchise."
- >"Oh my," Rarity covers her mouth daintily. "I mean, I kind of ASSUMED based on the name of their product, but..."
- "I know, right? TwiPad, TwiPhone, TwiPod..."
- >"My goodness!"
- "I mean, which came first? The child's name or the product name? Did they name their kid after their brand?"
- >"Please don't tell anyone I said this, darling, but... What a blasé name if true! I truly feel sorry for her."
- "Yeah, no wonder she's still a virgin."
- >Rarity's face scrunches up at that comment.
- >"Say, why are you here again?"
- "We need to talk about Sunset."
- >"Ah," the fashionista simply states.
- "I've been thinking about it while getting dragged out of the Intellectual Bar--"
- >"Blasé name for a store."
- "Uh-huh. So I've been thinking..."
- >Rarity blinks, waiting for you to continue.
- "Do you think Sunset is depressed?"
- >The fashionista thinks for a minute.
- >"Say, does she sigh a lot?"
- "Yes."
- >"Stares out the window?"
- "That too."
- >"Owns dozens of cats?"
- "No. She has Ray, remember? Lumpy lizard thing?"
- >"Hmm, tomayto tomahto."
- >Rarity collects herself, straightening out her outrageously decorated skirt.
- >She straightens out her hair while she's at it, just because she's Rarity and that's her shtick.
- >"Darling,"
- >She lets the first word hang in the air like she's about to make an important speech.
- >"I think our Sunset might be going through a midlife crisis."
- >A pause.
- "Rarity, Sunset's not even old enough to smoke."
- >"In human years, yes. But she's from Equestria. Hors-- errm, 'ponies' age differently than humans."
- "Whoa whoa whoa, you're saying she's a granny now?"
- >"Please don't be daft. I mean that since she's a pony, it's likely that she's already lived more than half of her lifespan by now."
- "Oh."
- >"Indeed."
- "That explains why she got pissy and kicked me out of her place."
- >"Darling, I'm afraid that's entirely on your less than charming personality."
- >The fashionista's cultured jab flies over your head, entirely unnoticed.
- "So uh, how do we pull her out of her mid-horselife crisis? I've never had one, and I imagine you haven't either."
- >"Indeed I have not, but I know someone who went through something like it awhile ago."
- - -
- >"[Hello, Hondo Flanks speaking.]"
- "Hi, Mr. Honda. I'm a friend of Rarity's."
- >"[Ah, uhm. It's 'Hondo,' son.]"
- "Right. Anyway, I've got an important question to ask you, Mr. Honda."
- >"[It's-- oh, nevermind. Go ahead, kid.]"
- "I hear you went through a midlife crisis awhile ago."
- >A pause.
- >"[Did my daughter set you up on this? I told her that I already sold the damned vintage coin collection months ago--]"
- "Well, no. She gave me your phone number. I have a friend who might be going through a midlife crisis of her own."
- >"[Who? Is it Rarity?]"
- "Err, no. Unless she's much older than she looks."
- >"[Oh.]"
- "Yeah. Uhm, how did you get through your midlife crisis? Is there something you *do* to get over it, meds, whatever else...?"
- >"[Well, my daughter would have you believe that buying a bunch of worthless junk until you've had enough tends to help a bit--]"
- "She actually did say that, yes."
- >"[--right. She's never going to let me live through that vintage coin collection thing, is she?]"
- "I don't think so."
- >"[Like mother like daughter, I guess. Anyway, a midlife crisis is not something you can just magically fix with a fancy car, drugs, mistresses--]"
- "Or a vintage coin collection."
- >"[--or that, yes. You just kinda have to... You know, endure through it. Although, finding something you really enjoy doing and doing a lot of it seemed to help immensely in my case.]"
- "Ah. What did you do?"
- >"[Collect vintage coins.]"
- "I see."
- >"[Look, kid. If you want to help your friend, help her find something she really enjoys and encourage her to do a lot of it. And don't scold her for doing it every night at the dinner table even if it's burning a hole through your college fund and taking up space in the design room against your wishes.]"
- "That last bit was oddly specific, but thank you Mr. Honda."
- >"[It's Hondo Flanks.]"
- "Right."
- >"[And do me a big favor, will ya?]"
- "Sure thing."
- >"[Next time, please hesitate to call me again.]"
- "I don't think that's how the saying goes."
- >"[Goodbye, kid.]"
- >*Click*
- - -
- Several days later...
- "Hey Sunset, hows it going?"
- >Sunset tilts her head sideways, staring lovingly at you.
- >"Oh, nothing much. How about you?"
- "Nothing much at all, Shimsham. Nothing much at all."
- >The mane six exchange glances with each other.
- >"That's good to hear."
- >Sunset grabs your cheek with both hands, closing in for a small peck on your nose.
- >"I have to go to the library for a group project. Catch you later?"
- >You grin.
- "I'd be disappointed if you didn't."
- >Sunset steps away, waving at you and the rest of the group.
- >"Well, seems like she's out of the rut," remarks Rainbow.
- >"She looks so happy," adds Fluttershy.
- >Rarity nudges at you with her elbow.
- >"What exactly did you do?"
- >You smirk.
- "Oh, I found something she enjoys, and gave her lots of it."
- >Rarity smiles.
- >"Why, that's so generous of you! What was it? Flowers? Ooh! She really loves sunflowers."
- >The pink menace juts into the shot from an impossible angle.
- >"Oh! Oh! Oh! Did you give her a bundle of sunflowers? A dozen sunflowers? A dozen bundle of a dozen sunflowers???"
- >You gently push the sugar addict out of your face.
- "Well, there's one thing she likes even more than sunflowers."
- >Applejack looks incredulous.
- >"No... Y'all can't possibly mean--"
- >Your smirk widens.
- "Yep. Shimjobs."
- >A silence falls across the lunch table.
- "I gave her Shimjobs. Lots of it."
- >"What?!"
- >Twilight looks stricken.
- >"Is... Is that even possible? Can a non-Shimmer even perform a Shimjob? On an actual Shimmer, no less?"
- "It took a lot of effort, but yes. I made it work."
- >"I... I need to go," Twilight stammers, "this needs further research. I need to gather some reagents ASAP."
- >"Whoa nelly." Applejack takes off her stetson with respect, ignoring the lavender nerd muttering something about orange peels and can openers.
- >Fluttershy looks awestruck. She kneels before you, her outstretched hands brushing against the hem of your pants like a faithful being proselytized by a revered saint.
- >"We are unworthy," she whispers.
- >"I can't believe it," says Rainbow, her cheeks stained with tears. "You did the impossible. I... You Shimjob'd the Shimmer. I can't even..."
- >Rarity faints, her face plopping down on a bowl of spaghetti.
- >You look up into the bright, cloudless sky, staring beyond the depths of the universe.
- >In this moment, you are euphoric.
- >Not because of any phony sun god's blessing -- but because you are enlightened by your own ability to perform Shimjobs.
- >The only human alive, besides Sunset, to achieve this monumental ability.
- "Yes, Rainbow. I Shimjob'd the Shimmer."
- THE END
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