Glitchedpuppet (and Eevee)-

First of all, thank you for finally apologizing for not believing me after all of these years. I have been waiting for it for years. I sincerely appreciate it. However, I need to say some things; specifically, I have some criticisms and corrections that you might want to take into account. This might be a little short and I apologize for my brevity and perhaps for the disjointedness of this message, but this is not something I want to think or talk about extensively at this time in my life. There are a lot of details I could gripe with and points I could make, but I kind of just want to paint with broad strokes.

The first topic I wanted to address is in regards to the section about me. I want to clarify a couple of things. For a long time, I was not sure who was emailing you, but now that you specify that it was someone from a “webcomic community,” I can tell you what happened. When I was 12, I was at a summer program for coding/programming. I met someone there who I will refer to as “Josh.” Josh was 17. We hit it off, and shortly after we both went home we started a “relationship” (relationship in scare quotes because I do not consider these incidents to be genuine relationships). This quickly became sexual, and at times he sent me pictures of his genitals and solicited nudes from me. After I ended the relationship, I believe he ghosted me (I do not remember all of the specifics but it’s not super relevant) or something. Anyways, I got mad and told the admins of the webcomic community what happened (including the sexual element)  in a very upset way, and of course they didn’t believe me. I’m not 100% sure who the deviantART note person is, but my “friends” at the time included a Nazi (I am Jewish for the record) who was grooming me…ideologically? and another soon-to-be Nazi who also solicited nudes from me and sent me some very graphic and disturbing sexual images of himself, so I wouldn’t take their word at face value. Or it could be from another pedophile, I don’t know and I don’t want to try to figure it out. Also, a very important correction -- my dad was not involved in any of this at all. I was very confused by this claim. At one point, my dad contacted the Josh person to tell him to never talk to me again or there would be consequences, but that is the extent of it.

There is something I need you to understand here that I hope you will empathize with given how you outlined your own history. In fact, one of my concerns with this document that makes your explanation hold a little less water is that you went through some of the same things I went through in regards to childhood sexual abuse and grooming. Anyways, it’s the fact that after I was victimized one time, it happened multiple other times until I was about 15. I was not trying to “entrap” adults or manipulate them at all — I feel insulted by that insinuation and I have been for years, as every time this happened I was manipulated into it, including by Marl. I did not know what “healthy” and “unhealthy” sexual contact was, which would have been no sexual contact at my age; I had been socialized into viewing this as normal as it happened over and over again, and even as it made me incredibly depressed and have anger issues and resulted in my hospitalization at times. There is something very complicated about this that I also want to highlight -- the fact that I knew, on one level, that what was happening to me was bad and socially unacceptable, and on another level, I kept being manipulated successfully by people over and over because I believed each manipulator was the exception who was saving me from the last, aka the same ploy that Marl pulled. As a result of this, I was experiencing intense sexual abuse and pedophilic solicitation online and off, and I reacted to the people perpetuating this in a way that was angry and destructive -- however, this is entirely irrelevant to the validity of my claims about Marl, and I would even claim that this was an entirely logical and warranted reaction to what was happening to me at the time, as I was a child. I did not go into the details of this until now because a) I should not have to and b) I was pretty sure it would be used to further discredit me in one way or the other. In any case, the fact that you say that you had no idea if it could have been true because of my “documented history” of doing this is suspect to me because it would be incredibly concerning to me to receive messages from people whose messages boil down to “she enticed me! those sexy, sexy children!”, a classic pedophile excuse. You were not aware of all of the context, of course, but the messages themselves are pretty suspect. My theory that I’ve had for a long time is that I think you may have suspected this, but these messages were convenient for building an alibi in defense of you, Marl, and Eevee. The posts that you and Eevee in particular made to discredit me were too detailed, too calculated and cruel for me to believe that this was all Marl’s behind the scenes manipulation. You mention how you shivered from anxiety and fear while living at Marl’s parents (if I recall correctly.) This is not meant to be a gotcha, but after I posted the callout in 2015, when I was 14 (about a year and a half after the original incident, I am pretty sure) and you posted your responses, I was shivering out of anxiety, embarrassment (at having been smeared using my own trauma) and fear and vomiting regularly for a couple of weeks straight. It seemed surgically designed to inflict as much pain as possible, by attempting to smear and discredit me in a very demeaning way. I cannot overstate how much these posts warped my self-image and self-esteem for years for the worse, at a pivotal point in my development no less. I already believed that I deserved everything that happened to me, but it was hard to break out of the cycle even more when I had seemingly been presented with evidence and a narrative that this was all my fault and that I was manipulating people into abusing me sexually. I knew that it was bullshit and gaslighting on one level, but I really did internalize all of it and I still feel its effects to this day, long after I barely resemble the person I was back then in personality and interests.

 I am still not emotionally over the fact that you used all of these other incidents that happened to me to try to discredit me — using my past victimizations to say that they were false and I am crazy — it was the ultimate gaslighting move, and that was what hurt me the most. The namecalling and gaslighting continued for years, and I am still unable to fully believe that you didn’t know what you were doing on some level, even as I have been actively trying to understand and internalize the possibility of this all being Marl’s fault for years. I am saying this here because I have felt unheard for years, and I feel like I finally need to lay out in detail the unimaginable mind-fuck I underwent because of this. The cost of “uncertainty about [my] claims so we’ll deny it just to be safe” is excruciating psychic torment for me.

Finally, there are a couple of details in the apology you posted that make me wonder if this was genuine. You mention that Marl talked about his beastiality fetish in the IRC — to the best of my memory, this is not true at all. Furthermore, I specifically remember, as I said in my original post, Marl talking about how he wanted to have sex with me without a condom at an anime convention, and right before I got kicked out of the IRC for an unrelated thing he seemed serious about arranging this whenever I went to another convention. I mention this because his interactions went beyond discussing beastiality with me — he was planning how he could have sex with a 13 year old and described how he would do it in graphic detail. Finally, you keep bringing up the so-called inconsistencies that led you to doubt me in your document, but it felt like you were trying to insinuate that I really was an entrapping manipulator and that I did the same to Marl, which is categorically false, all while trying to apologize for disbelieving me. Even if this were true, I think it is obvious that anyone who engages with an “entrapping sexual manipulator” who is underage (Marl knew of my age) is just a pedophile.

I apologize for my cynicism, but after all of these years the only explanation that makes the most logical sense to me is that you knew that if you didn’t defend Marl, you would be implicated in his behavior, because you were involved in it. I am not trying to groundlessly attack you or gaslight you; I am just inclined to be extremely distrustful based on everything that has happened. This may be difficult to hear and an unsatisfying response, and I understand that. Like I said, I sympathize with your experiences and I think that they are terrible and that no one deserves to go through that, ever. However, it feels like you either perceive yourself or are presenting yourself to have no agency in your actions, namely how you acted as an accomplice to Marl when attacking me, BigFluff, and others in this document. Please feel free to ignore my armchair psychology, but it seems like this lack of belief in your own agency has contributed to your anxiety, depression and feelings of powerlessness that you describe throughout the document. Fully accepting that you have responsibility for your own actions in hurting others, and that it wasn’t *entirely* because of Marl sockpuppeting you behind the scenes, is scary, but it is necessary for genuinely beginning to apologize to people. You can both have your thoughts and beliefs warped by traumatizing experiences and manipulation and have agency in your actions. I believe that taking this responsibility could also bring you happiness, in some way, as it would also involve recognizing your own agency in general in different areas. I recognize that you were groomed in a heinous way from a young age by Marl and probably had some Stockholm syndrome going on. However, at some point into adulthood you became an accomplice.

Regardless of your motives or intentions, in the apology letter there was a lot of deflection, bad framing (a sexually devious, harassing 12-year-old?), misinformation and unnecessary background in the apology, to the point where I don’t know how to interpret it or how to feel. Again, I am very relieved you are making steps to apologize, and it is definitely a start and brings me some peace. After all this time, however, it still feels like it is almost entirely deflecting onto Marl and providing well-crafted rationalizations for every behavior (especially the FAQ section). I have the (however unfounded) suspicion that the attempts to get people to contact you is an attempt to get people to exonerate you or to put your feelings of guilt to rest. I am fine with reconciliation, and I accept your apology, but you have a lot of work to do and a lot more responsibility to take, and I will not exonerate you for your actions if that is the case. It felt like the document was admitting that things were bad and that they happened, but also an attempt at self-exoneration for your behavior. Not every apology has to have a perfect explanation, background or rationalization, and often times it shouldn’t. In addition, I believe you should publicly expose Marl’s current online username if you are not going to go to the police.  If you cannot succeed with the police, expose him. In addition to this, I feel that in your personal life, you should stop deflecting onto Marl and take responsibility for your own actions.

I sense that you are trying to make sense of everything, but you will need to do more before this looks like anything more than a PR move. The fact that an apology letter, supposedly written for me and the other victims, contains a long FAQ section built to undo whatever cancellation was publicly accorded to you, transmuted all towards Marl such that you are a victim on the same team against him (forced teaming) seems nothing more than a desperate move to keep your reputation on life support. How am I supposed to take your apology seriously as personal repentance if the letter is littered with denials that I am trustworthy, but with “I believe you now” tacked on? It seems like it is written so as to make the uninformed reader feel like they sympathize entirely with your position and to feel bad for how you ended up as an accomplice. You were definitely victimized by Marl -- however, the result of that is that you were groomed and abused into being an accomplice. Also being a victim (in addition to me and BF) does not mean you, Marl AND Eevee didn’t victimize me. Obviously not all on the same caliber, as Marl is definitely the worst, but this cannot all be attributed to Marl. This sounds harsh, but I am just giving my unfiltered thoughts — further, I do not expect you to do anything more for or directed at me personally. Again, I accept your apology because it is a start. I am just asking you to re-evaluate your position here.

 I believe once you realize your own agency in these scenarios you will finally be able to set some long-term goals and change your life for the better instead of remaining stuck to the past. I do not wish to engage any further — I request that you please do not attempt to contact me. Thank you for your consideration, and I appreciate you trying. I hope you keep focusing on self-improvement and rehabilitation as well as taking responsibility. Actions speak louder than words, and my own reservations will be entirely irrelevant if you take more actions to show that you are dedicated to bringing about justice in this scenario, for yourself and others.

-Lain (this is me and not an imposter.)

P.S. I did not address any of the claims towards BigFluff here because I believe that is entirely her choice to engage with if and only if she wants to. However, I did not edit those logs. I leaked it against her will, and I regret disobeying her wishes and re-traumatizing her. I do not regret the truth coming to light, though. I believe that I needed to prevent, as much as I could, further prevent the further abuse of children and animals by Marl by any means necessary.