A Merry, Molly Christmas

The sun is just about to go down, but the snow is still piling up as it has all day long. A thick blanket of the stuff lays all around, covering everything in fluffy white layers of ice and frost. I keep my arms tight around me, hugging the sealed mug of cocoa to my chest, the radiating heat seeping into me and warming my chest pleasantly.

Avoiding any patches of ice on the sidewalk, I head towards the front gate of Yamaku where the small school bus is waiting. There's a sizable group of students there I recognize from Music Club and for a moment I wonder if all of us will fit on the tiny bus for the trip into town. When I arrive, I see that it's not as bad as I thought, but the vehicle will be pretty packed nonetheless. At the very least, it will be warm.

“Hisao! Over here!”

I crane my neck over the crowd and see the very tall figure of Florian waving a leather gloved hand. Just next to him I can barely catch the familiar sight of Molly's dark hair and earmuffs.
I make my way through the crowd, along the outside edge of the group. It takes longer, but it's better if I avoid bumping into people for fear of setting my heart off. Its funny how all the little things start to become second nature after only a short time; avoid crowds, don't get jostled, avoid strenuous activity, little tips and hints that make the day go by easier.

I make it to the pair holding the mug up. “I brought the cocoa.”
Florian looks pleased with my offering. “Good, it's freezing out here.”
I look him up and down, surprised by his outfit. Florian is wearing a long,wool black coat with very large buttons and I can see by his collar he's wearing a fancy, old suit. To top it off, literally, he's wearing a top hat!

“Don't you think you're overdressed for this?”
He looks at me with a crooked smile and a wink. “Don't you think you're under dressed?”

I'm still not used to determining exactly if Florian is either making fun with me, playing along or flirting with me. He has a way of saying things that make you think about what he really means. “I just didn't expect you to be so...formal.”

He shrugs, wiping a bit of snow from the brim of his silk hat. “We're going caroling, Hisao. Where's your Christmas flair? Why shouldn't I be particularly Dickensian for the evening?“

I blink. “Di-dickensian?”
I struggle with the unfamiliar word.
I hope it's not a euphemism.

Florian laughs and takes his hat off with a flourish. “'To be like Charles Dickens, Hisao!” He smirks at me playfully. “I thought you were well-read?”

“Stop teasing my boyfriend, Florian.”

He shrugs and puts the hat back on his head with a bright smile. Molly is clutching her violin closely to her, the case wrapped in a blanket. She herself is heavily bundled up, a hat, gloves, earmuffs, puffy coat and scarf wrapped tightly around her.

Not surprisingly given her country of origin, Molly hates the cold.

With one hand she takes the warm mug from me and wraps it into the blanket with her instrument.
“We're not going to drink it?” I ask, disappointed.
Molly has a little glare in her eyes. “They won't open the bus until all the students are head counted. Its freezing out here and the cold is killing my violin.“ She looks up at the bus windows longingly. ”And me, in fact. Why can't they just let us in now?“

“Can I at least have a cup of cocoa first?” Florian pleads.
“No. It's for me and my instrument. You should have brought your own.“

Florian sighs in a dramatic, long suffering manner. “You treat your violin better than you treat me.”

Molly smiles playfully. “It does more work for me than you!”
Florian is taken aback and is left without a response as Molly steps past him up to me and puts a little kiss on the tip of my nose. “Thanks for getting here so soon. We're going to have fun tonight!”

I return the kiss with a smile. “I've never gone caroling before. I'm not sure if I'll know many of the songs.“
“Don't worry,” she says. “The music club printed out a bunch of sheet for everyone. You'll  get to follow along.“

I shrug. “Still feel kind of silly. You got to bring along your instrument.“
She giggles. “Kind of hard to lug around a piano, don't you think?“
“Huh. Good point.”

Florian smiles. “Don't feel bad, Hisao. I don't even play an instrument. Goodness, I'm not even in the music club. I don't even attend your school! I have no reason whatsoever to be here!“

I grin up at him. “Then what good are you?”
He raises his hand theatrically. “Ambiance!”

I shake my head. “I won't be much good for that. I'm not a very good singer.“
Molly come up alongside me and cuddles up under my arm, I suspect for warmth more than affection. “Don't worry about it. It's not about having a good voice. It's about having fun and spreading some Christmas cheer! Singing in the snow, even though you're cold! Letting people know that even in the dead of winter there's something to smile and be happy about. 'Peace on Earth, goodwill towards men',“ she finishes in a little tune.

Florian starts reaching towards her and the mug of cocoa. “And drinking tasty, warm, seasonal beverages?”

Molly slaps his hand away.

Florian pouts splendidly.

I was a little unsure when I started dating Molly about all the time Florian spent with her. To be honest I got a little jealous at all the little games they played and the inside jokes they shared. I was afraid that I had come along while Florian had unrequited feelings for Molly or they had a history or relationship neither one wanted me to know about.
I'll admit, I was pretty relieved when I learned Florian wasn't interested in Molly that way. It was a load of my mind. I don't think I could out woo him if it was a contest between us for Molly. He's tall, and funny and pretty  handsome guy, not that I would ever dare tell him that.

He'd never let me hear the end of it.

I wrap my arm around Molly and squeeze her tightly. She buries her head under my arm, huddling into my warmth. “You really get into this stuff, huh? Christmas and all?”

Molly nods. “It was a big deal for me and my family back in Bombay. My Father may be Hindu, but my Mother was raised Roman Catholic, so we always had a celebration every year. We'd go out and sing carols just like this and decorate a tree every Christmas.“

“Did you have Santa Clause?“
“No, we have Christmas Baba. That's 'Father Christmas' in Hindi.“
“Do they even have Christmas trees in India?” I ask.
Molly giggles. “We would decorate a banana tree!”

“That seems more practical,” Florian adds. “At least you can eat the bananas. Pine cones are terrible snacks.”

Molly's glare shuts him up and he carefully inspects his fingernails, even though he's wearing gloves.

“You must miss them a lot,” I say.
Molly's lips turns into a frown. “I do.”
“Did you talk to them at all?”

She nods a little. “I talked with Mom and Dad on the phone yesterday.”
“Were they going to visit like they said?”
Molly shakes her head slowly. “Dad is busy with business,” she answers after a while.

I wince at asking the question. Molly doesn't talk about her parents much, but even I can tell she misses them and the distance between the two of them is tough for her to handle. I haven't seen my parents in a long time, but at least we're still on the same continent. With a little time and money, I can take a train and go see them when I want to. Molly doesn't have that option with her parents still in India. Being a transfer students must be hard enough, coming to a different country for a special school, but to be in a place so unlike your home must make it doubly hard to adapt.
I guess maybe that's why she and I hit it off so well; both of us had been taken from what we knew and dropped in an unfamiliar setting, surrounded by strange, new things and people.

For me, it was the loss of my old friends and school, being surrounded by students with disabilities, trying to comprehend that I was now one of them. For her it must have been even worse; not only did she have my difficulties, but also the added layer of a whole new culture and language to wrestle with.

I guess holding onto her family traditions is a way to bring a little bit of her home along with her, to feel closer to what she left behind when she came here.

I give her a reassuring hug and rub her shoulder, kissing her atop her head. “That's okay! You've got me and it's our first Christmas together and we're going caroling!“

I look at our tall companion. “And I guess you have Florian too,” I add in a flat monotone.

Florian arches an eyebrow at me for my tone.

Molly bites her lip and giggles at his expression. She kisses me on the cheek and smiles. “Thank you, Hisao.”

The bus door opens and a miserable looking Mutou, pulled into the event for chaperoning, starts ticking off names from a clipboard.

“Let's get inside. It's cold out here and I'll be happy to get some of that cocoa inside of me.“
“Who says I'm going to share with you?” Molly teases.
I frown. “I'm the one who brought it. Don't I get a cup?”
“Hmm. Okay, since you did bring it.”

“Well, can't I have some?”

Molly smiles at Florian. “Nope.”

He grimaces. “I'm the only one to dress appropriately for the occasion and I don't even get a damn cup of cocoa. Where's the justice in that?“

----------------------------------------

I'll admit, while I was unsure about caroling and standing out in the cold all night, it was a lot of fun spending time with Molly. Even Florian seemed to pick up his attitude after he got a cup of the hot cocoa into him that Molly was kind enough to share. While he and I sang along with the others in the group, Molly and a few other students in accompaniment played their violins to the tune of 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas' and 'We Three Kings'. Like I had feared, I didn't know many of the songs, but Florian was nice enough to share his sheet of lyrics with me as there weren't enough for all the students who came along.

To be honest, though, I wasn't too interested in the singing as much as I was in watching Molly play.

I am consistently amazed by the look she gets when she puts her bow to string. Molly is usually a very reserved person, almost a little shy when around new people, but once she starts playing, that person melts away and this beautiful, outgoing girl shines through. Every note is reflected on her face and features and it's hard not to get swept away along with her with every draw of the bow. I've watched her play so many times I've gotten used to it, but the first few times I saw her perform, I almost became worried when I would see her cheeks flush or her eyes water in the middle of a performance. Sometimes I even catch her crying freely while she plays and when she's done, she doesn't recall her tears at all.

On the other hand, sometimes when she plays, I'm amazed by the look of elation and joy she has when she performs certain songs, just like tonight. As each carol came from her music, she lead the others in note and tone, each draw bringing out happiness and merriment from all the other players. It's no wonder she's first chair in the Music Club; it's like she carries the entire group on her notes and makes each of them better by her own performance. The way she played tonight turned simple songs into true, passionate music. Hearing her made me sing all the louder to be worthy of being next to her.

The night ended with the entire group at the nearby hospital. According to the Music Club director, it was tradition that the students would perform for the people there every Christmas. I'm not sure if I had known about this it would have affected my desire to come along tonight, but I'm not very comfortable being in a medical environment again. The pale, green walls, meant to calm people, only set me on edge and the noise and smells quickly become suffocating.

Molly worries herself over her violin, checking all the little strings and knobs on it, paying careful attention to the E-string.

“Aww,” she moans. “I'm going to need to replace this soon. I knew it was too dry out.“
She looks up at me sitting in my uncomfortable plastic chair. “Hisao? Are you all right?”

I nod, bobbing my head. “Yeah. Hospitals. You know....”
She smiles sympathetically and sets the violin in her case, sitting down next to me and wrapping her arm around my shoulders. I lean into the embrace and we sit silently for a few minutes, enjoying the feeling of being pressed against one another.

I sigh happily and she takes it as cue to pull back. She smiles and her face lights up. “Better?”

I nod. “Much better.”

Sitting next to me, Moll keeps her shoulder up against mine, enjoying our shared silence.

“That was fun. Thanks for convincing me to come along, Molly. You were fantastic tonight. You've never played any better.“
She blushes furiously and plays with her braids, twirling them around her fingers. “Thanks, Hisao. It was fun, wasn't it? I told you you would enjoy it. Snow, singing, hot cocoa, it's all part of the experience.“

“For as much fun as I had, I don't think I had half as much as Florian.“
“He's a sucker for attention. I was afraid he was going to drown everyone else out with his bellowing.“
“I think he was trying to impress a few of the guys who were listening. He kept giving them weird looks.“
“Yeah, I saw that. Some of them were pretty cute.” She turns away from me slightly. “...some of the girls were pretty cute too.”

I look at her crossly. “You need to stop saying those sort of things. You make me nervous with comments like that. I am your boyfriend, after all; I should only have to worry about other guys going after you, not you looking at girls.“
She grabs my arms and pulls on me adorably. “I know that! I'm teasing you! You're so serious all the time!“

She giggles and the sound of her playfulness sets me at ease.

The group is milling off to the side, giving us some privacy. Speaking of which, I look for our constant companion but don't see him among the group. “Where did Florian go to?”

Molly blinks and shrugs, looking suddenly uncomfortable. “He...I think he went to visit his sister.”
“Does she live near here?”
Molly nods. “She's in this hospital.”
I turn to her. “Does she work here?”
Molly hesitates, then shakes her head.

Oh.

I guess that's why Florian visits Yamaku so often. He has reason to be nearby.

I feel a little guilty killing the mood between us. Molly and I don't get very often to be alone and she doesn't get affectionate too often. When there are people around she's really concerned about appearances and what people think. Other than Florian, most of our friends didn't even know we were dating until recently. She likes to keep things under wraps unless we're together privately. Most of the time people have difficulty telling what she is thinking or feeling on a subject. She tells me it was part of her strict upbringing; personal issues were not something you talked about or shared, you dealt with them on your own. Needing another person to help was seen as a sign of weakness and dependency. It seems that Molly only lets her feelings known through her music.

The group starts to move and Molly shakes herself out of her funk.

“Come on,” she says with sudden urgency, taking my arm in one hand and her violin case in the other. “We're about to start.”

She and I catch up to the group, led by a teacher down the hospital hall. We walk past rooms and doors and I find myself wondering where we are heading. There's a few color coded signs, but they all point to other areas of the hospital away from our direction.

When we reach our destination, I know why there's no directions or indication of where we are.

There was a place like this when I had to be in the hospital after my heart attack. It was removed a little from the rest of the building, one large double-door in and out. A tiny little ward with bright colors and animals painted on the walls, but only hospital personal and a few visitors ever went inside. No signs or boards telling you what the place was for. One look at it's occupants told you what this place was.

The room is large and lined with beds, sheets hanging from rails for privacy. There's a lot of machines against the walls near the beds and shiny stars, decorations and tinsel hang down on strings and along the walls. A little Christmas tree stands at the end of the room with a tiny angel on top.

The beds are filled with children.

Molly, still holding my hand, grips it tightly.

There are some nurses and doctors, a few people who I imagine must be parents in attendance. I see Florian, his extravagant hat on a side table, sitting next to a little girl with tubes running in and out of her arms and nose, holding her hand.

The music club instructor says a few words to the children and parents about the school. It doesn't sound like a pitch, but I guess he imagines that if any of these kids live long enough to go to high-school, they would attend Yamaku. I'm not sure whether it's meant as a sign of hope for the parents that people are thinking of their children's education in the future or a cruel reminder that most of the kids here will not live that long, but the children sure seem excited, sitting up in their beds, those able to move and walk in a big semi-circle on the floor with stuffed animals and blankets.

The teacher finishes and turns to us. The students with instruments stand to the side with their violins and Molly gives me a little nod as she joins them, pulling the instrument from her case and drawing her bow.

With a cue from the teacher, everyone start singing. I catch up on the second verse of 'Silent Night' pulling the folded lyrics sheet from my pocket, still a little floored by my surroundings. I don't think I would have been better prepared if I had known what we were doing here, but I doubt it would have changed much.

Trying to keep my eyes on the words, I can't help but look at the faces around the room. If I got lost at Yamaku being surrounded by people my own age with conditions, this was like walking on a hostile planet with nothing but a map and a broken compass to guide me.

At Yamaku, it's easy to pick out the kids missing arms, legs or eyes. There's a lot of students with conditions you can't see, but from what I know, some may be life threatening, but not too many of them are life sentences. There's a girl named Saki I've heard rumors about, but I've never met her. I find myself looking at each kid, wondering what's wrong with that one, why is that one here, how long does that one have?

I try not to stare, so I focus on the music, putting meaning into each word. I look over at Molly and see her eyes are tightly closed, absorbed by the song, a pinched look to her features. I try and match her dedication, losing myself in the sound and pushing out the images of what's around me.

The song ends and another begins, 'Oh, Christmas Tree' one song I know well enough to not need the lyrics sheet. A few more pass by and I'm struck by how much the kids seem to enjoy it, some even joining on on the more familiar songs. I catch a  few parents smiling and singing, others looking like they're holding back tears as they watch their child sing along.

Damn, I think, keeping my throat from catching.

The music ends and we're granted riotous applause by parent, staff and children alike.

The music teacher steps forward and says that as a very special event, one of their star students would be performing a solo. I'm not surprised when I see Molly step forward with her violin after adjusting several pegs at the top of the neck.

The other students and myself step back to give her space. Molly looks around at the faces smiling at her and takes a long breath to steady herself.

When she puts her bow to string, I'm surprised to hear her begin playing a rapid, upbeat song, a staccato of draws and long passes of her bow bringing an upbeat and rhythmic string of notes into the air. I recognize it as 'Good King Wencelas'. It's one of my favorites and the lyrics come easy to mind;

Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Stephen
When the snow lay round about
Deep and crisp and even
Brightly shone the moon that night
Though the frost was cruel
When a poor man came in sight
Gath'ring winter fuel

Molly plays, picking up speed. I see in her face the intense concentration, the way she tightly presses her lips together and her forehead draws down into a frown and her cheeks flush. Each line of the song plays in my head to her music, each pass of the bow coming faster and faster;

"Hither, page, and stand by me
If thou know'st it, telling
Yonder peasant, who is he?
Where and what his dwelling?"
"Sire, he lives a good league hence
Underneath the mountain
Right against the forest fence
By Saint Agnes' fountain."

I can see people being pulled into Molly's music just as much as I am. They lose a little focus in their eyes and they listen intently and I can see the delighted smiles of the children as she plays, trying to follow her movements, too quick and expertly played ti follow with the eye;

"Bring me flesh and bring me wine
Bring me pine logs hither
Thou and I will see him dine
When we bear him thither."
Page and monarch forth they went
Forth they went together
Through the rude wind's wild lament
And the bitter weather

Molly's fingers dance against the strings, her bow sawing back and forth furiously but without any recklessness, each practices stroke a sign of her skill. She waves back and forth with the sound, her slim body moving to the music. The room fills with her song and my breath is taken away as I watch her.

God, she is beautiful!

"Sire, the night is darker now
And the wind blows stronger
Fails my heart, I know not how,
I can go no longer."
"Mark my footsteps, my good page
Tread thou in them boldly
Thou shalt find the winter's rage
Freeze thy blood less coldly."

Molly's concentration starts to falter. I can see her controlled expression start to break, her chin slightly quivering as the music starts to build up towards the crescendo. I feel a little stab of worry when I see the glints of moisture rolling down her cheeks.

I look around at the little faces all around us, know why they are here and the final lyrics of the song are even more striking than they usually are;

In his master's steps he trod
Where the snow lay dinted
Heat was in the very sod
Which the Saint had printed

The final words strike me with their poignancy;

Therefore, Christian men, be sure
Wealth or rank possessing
Ye who now will bless the poor
Shall yourselves find blessing

Molly stops playing suddenly at the last note and turns away, not even waiting for the applause to die down before she's rushing out the door.

I catch Florian's eye, still sitting with his sister. He gives me a nod and I follow after Molly.

I catch up to her down the hall. She's leaning against the wall, holding her violin carelessly by the neck, something she would never do under normal circumstances. Her face is buried into her sleeve tightly and I can hear her sobbing from here.

I step up to her and put a hand on her shoulder. She flinches and turns towards me, fighting back the tears, her eyes puffy and red.

“Hisao....”
She sniffles, trying to hold back her tears.
“They're...just kids....”
I pull Molly into a hug, the violin hanging limply in her grasp.
With a shudder she drops the instrument and wraps her arms around me, crying into my shoulder, the music taking her sympathy into a place she couldn't control anymore.

Her fingers dig into my coat and she wails into my chest.

----------------------------------------

Later that night, Molly and I are in my room back at Yamaku. Florian stayed at the hospital with his little sister who I got the chance to meet. She seemed to be a really bright young girl and I imagine Florian, for all his joking, is a good big brother for her.

Molly and I lie in bed up against the wall, she resting her head on my shoulder. Her violin case is resting on my desk, open, one of her strings having snapped during her performance.

“I'll have to replace it again,” she notes sourly.
I smile. “Think if it as an accomplishment; how many little girls out there can snap a violin string like a pro?“

Molly nods her head a little, then looks up at me crossly. “'Little'?”

I wrap an arm around her. “There you go again; I give you an honest compliment and you pick one word out to take offense at.“

She nuzzles up against my cheek with her nose, the tip of it still a little cold from the weather outside.

“Thank you, Hisao.”
I hug her tightly. “Are you okay now?”
She nods. “I'm all right. I shouldn't have done that, acted that way.“
“Molly, it's okay to cry every now and then, especially with what you were doing. That was really nice of you. Those kids really appreciated what you did for them.“

“Florian asked me to play there. He wanted to do something special for Christmas for all the kids at the hospital.“
“You and Florian are good friends.”

I don't know if something in my tone caught her attention, but she looks up at me and gently grips me by the chin. “And you are a great boyfriend,” she tells me, pulling me into a kiss.

We share the embrace for an extended period of time before pulling apart. Molly looks at me with a sad expression. “You're not jealous that me and Florian are so close, are you, Hisao?“
I shrug. “Maybe I was at the beginning. When we first started hanging out together, I was convinced you and him were dating or at least had been at one time. When I found out you weren't and we started going out, I was a little worried that he liked you. I mean, honestly, Florian is really....“

“What?” Molly asks, curiously.

“Well,” I say, scratching my cheek, “he's a handsome guy.”
Molly giggles and pinches me playfully. “Don't let him hear you say that.”
“Afraid your best friend will steal your boyfriend away?“
Molly has a sulky look on her face. “Wouldn't be the first time....”
“What do you mean by that?”

She taps me on the nose. “Never mind.”

Molly pecks me on the cheek with a kiss. “Florian was my first friend here, Hisao. I could barely speak Japanese when I came to Yamaku. It says a lot when my first real acquaintance wasn't another student, but someone I met in town. We probably wouldn't have even met if we both didn't speak a little English to communicate.“ She presses herself into my arms. ”But no matter how close he and I are, Hisao, you're my boyfriend. You're the one I love. I mean...I never would have let Florian see me crying like that after my performance. I would have been so embarrassed.“

She looks up in my eyes. “But with you, I can be that way. I don't care about appearances when you're around. That's why I fell in love with you; I can be myself with you. I can tell you how I really feel. And how I feel is, 'I love you.“

I kiss Molly again and she breathes into the gesture. She wraps her fingers into my hair and presses me tightly against her lips, the taste of cocoa still on her tongue from earlier.

We pull apart only reluctantly and settle down next to each other.

Time passes between us in silence. I may have dozed off, because when I check my clock, it's very late, past midnight, a new day.

“Hey, Molly?”
She makes a little inquiring sound, half asleep.
“Merry Christmas,” I tell her.
Molly smiles in her half slumbering state. “Bade din ki badhai ho, Hisao.”