What?
To become gay I had to read through some very ancient holy scrolls, perform a secret (and naked) initiative ritual during the summer solstice with Alan Turing's ghost, to proclaim I wanted to become gay. In the end, the Gay Elder Ian McKellen confided with Turing's ghost if I passed my initiation.
The Ghost and the actor then led me further on into the nightlife, passing several pubs, to seek the other Elders. Whence found, they stood round me in a circle, each of them testing my willingness, stamina. Singing sanctified gay pop, making sure their holy oils sanctified my entire body. After this ritual, a great purple candle was lit at its three wicks. They had told me that after the candle had burned out, The Guardian of Love would be my final judge.
Freddie Mercury's spirit appeared in our midsts and asked for the key from my right pocket. Still being naked, I shuffled through my clothes, until I found something I had never seen before: a great key of silver, with a clear white Crystal at it's heart. Burning in my hands, I quickly passed it on to the spirit. In his hands, the crystal glowed warm and red.
"The key to a women's heart is lost to you, you won't make it's light shine." The red glowing light instantly shifted blue; all the men present, including myself, felt and enjoyed the soothing heat of the key, whence it returned beneath my pie of clothes.
Stephen Fry, one of the Gay Elders, recited the verses to close the ceremony and stamped my gay membership card. In the end I finally had The courage and permission to be homosexual.
We all had to go through this, right?