benj

Maybe the cute show will help me feel better, right?

Who am I kidding? There's really no getting over something like this. I haven't left my apartment since I got home the other day. Not since it happened. I guess I talked to some people between when it happened and now. But it's all such a blur. Everything stopped being real after that moment.

One thing that stays so painfully clear is how I just stood there, gaping as the dumpster rolled with him inside. I didn't even get a chance to help. I knew how scared he was. I still have those last texts from him. I've been flipping through them, and back further. Heh. If I go back far enough it's like he never left. But then I go back down and I remember what happened. I just stood there and watched him die.

I remember the voice that spoke in my head as it happened. I couldn't protect him, but I could protect the others. But fuck that. Fuck off with that. Why /couldn't/ I protect him? We were just figuring things out. We'd never been closer. Things were just beginning to make sense.

He always liked this song. I remember watching this episode with him a couple years back, thinking this show was going to be stupid. We watched it at first as a joke, but it wasn't that bad, I guess. I've been watching the show on repeat now, but as it passes by this song again I feel like I've been punched in the gut. Laugh at your fears? No one's laughing now. How can you laugh when everything you've known was torn out from you, thrust into a world of some ridiculous supernatural bullshit? I can't really laugh at anything right now, not when the guy I did it with is gone.

I remember that Buffy comic I was reading, as I sat there talking to a real goddamn vampire. Fuck. Fate is stupid.

I've been picked up by others like me, those that hear the voices. They say they can teach me, but they seem to spend a lot more time fighting each other than the monsters. I can't help but feel a little ignored, I guess. And worried. If they can't decide what they want to do, then what the hell am I going to do?

Oh well. I have nothing but the new voices in my head to follow. If they tell me to protect, then protect I will. Maybe no one will have to go through what I did with Leon ever again.