Breaking Barbi (2019)

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Subtitles by explosiveskull

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In
case you were wondering

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how I wound up in this
farcical situation,

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let me catch you up.

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My name is Barbra Dolly Brennan.

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My parents named me after Barbra
Streisand and Dolly Parton,

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their favorite singers.

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I'm a cosplayer, model,
blogger, and fitness goddess.

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What is that, you ask?

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What are you, a hermit?

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It means I spend my days
doing selfies, posing,

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and doing endless videos
of my ass doing squats.

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Endless squats.

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Hundreds of squats.

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Thousands of squats.

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You can find me at
Breaking underscore Barbi.

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Sounds easy but it's
actually really hard.

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It means that anything I do

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suddenly turns into a
photo shoot, a video opp,

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or an opportunity for a collab.

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This type of work comes
with a major downside,

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meeting a nice guy.

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You have to be choosy, you know.

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I mean, like, what if
I'm seen with a guy

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that doesn't even have at
least 10,000 followers?

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That would be unthinkable.

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I have my reputation.

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And then I met Jake.

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250,000 followers.

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Plenty of water.

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Got the first aid kit in
case of any emergency.

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- Got bandages.
- OMG, he is

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- so fire.
- Ointment, wet wipes.

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- Food rations.
- I wonder how many hash tags

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I can fit into this post.

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Sunscreen.

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Lip ointment.

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Antibacterial gel.

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Flashlight.

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He asked
me to go hiking with him

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on our first date.

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I just can't even.

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Antibacterial gel.

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Flashlight.

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Compass.

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Extra battery.

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Security blanket.

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- He's so into this!
- Rope and tackle.

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Look at all those

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cute things he brought.

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And most importantly,
a radio and GPS tracker

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so we can't get lost

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and we can call for help
in case of an emergency.

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- I
- totes need a selfie.

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Oh, like right now.

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Selfie.

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- My turn.
- Jessica will be

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totally jelly when she
sees me with this guy.

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All right, I think
that's everything.

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You ready?

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You better believe it.

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Yep.

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You wanna do a last check?

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We're gonna be up
there for a while.

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- I
- have everything I need

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right here, baby.

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Don't need this.

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Lip gloss, headset, mud mask.

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And a little something
for the hot tub.

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I'm good.

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All right, let's do this.

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Did I
tell her how cute she looks?

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Hey, can I, can I
put my keys on you?

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Yeah, sure.

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I'm glad you swiped right.

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It's really hard to find
girls that like to free-climb.

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What the
hell is he talking about?

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Oh, my profile.

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I thought free-climbing
was some sort of sex thing.

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Well, when the app
asked for what level,

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I obviously wrote expert.

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Gosh.

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Oh.

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This is pretty
hardcore, even for me.

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Wait, is he serious?

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I thought we were gonna
take some cute selfies

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and go back to his place.

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We could've started
with something simpler,

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but I mean, I'm sure at your
level this is a piece of cake.

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Way to go, Barbs.

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You're gonna get
yourself killed.

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Was that a pterodactyl?

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OMG, I'm so gonna die.

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I mean, anything can
happen out there.

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I can be eaten by a
bear, fall of a cliff,

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butt-raped by aliens, dragged
away by wolves, anything!

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Let's go.

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And
I just got these shoes.

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Ugh, just look at that butt.

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He definitely
doesn't skip leg day.

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Totally worth it.

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No sweat.

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- I
- hope he eats pineapple.

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Aw, that's so sweet.

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She's going slow
and waiting for me.

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Aw, he's so sweet.

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OMG, it is pineapple!

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Mm!

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- I
- can't wait to invite her

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to my mansion in Hawaii.

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This isn't so bad,

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but I could totally go
for a latte right now.

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You
know, I'm gonna slow down

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and let her get ahead of me,

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so if she falls I can catch her.

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Everything about her is perfect.

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I hope
there's a Starbucks up there

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or something.

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- I
- can see myself spending

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the rest of my life
with this girl.

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Phew,
almost at the top.

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Sure hope we're not
going down that way.

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Whew!

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Jake?

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There's no signal up here.

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Jake?

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Jake?

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Jake?

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What are you doing down there?

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Ugh, there's no signal up here!

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Ugh.

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Maybe
there's some signal,

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mm, over here.

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Whoa!

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Jake?

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Are you okay?

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O!

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O!

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M!

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M!

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G!

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G!

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Did I just kill the
hottest guy ever?

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I didn't know about the rock.

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I mean, I didn't
put the rock there.

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The rock, who put
the rock there?

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Like, Mother Nature and stuff.

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It's not my fault.

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I didn't do it.

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It's not me.

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I would never do that.

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Now I'm totally lost.

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No signal, no date,
no food, no water.

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Didn't see this bag of dicks
coming straight at my face.

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This is insane!

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I can't believe I'm out here.

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And the worst part is I can't
upload these amazing selfies.

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Why don't they put cell
towers out here or something?

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00:11:25,868 --> 00:11:28,901
Ugh, ugh, like, no
signal anywhere.

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00:11:32,139 --> 00:11:34,206
I mean, if you're gonna
be banished up here,

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you're gonna wind up
dead anyway soon, right?

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Figures.

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I bet all my friends are
worried sick about me.

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It's not bad.

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It could be worse, right?

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I mean, like, I'm
getting back to nature.

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I'm becoming like zen and stuff.

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Ugh, my feet are killing me.

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00:12:03,905 --> 00:12:06,006
Wow, this is a great
location for squat videos.

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I mean, look at this place.

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I can totally make
so much content here.

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Oh, oh no.

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Oh no, oh no, oh no.

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Oh god.

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I hope there's like some,

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some signal up here.

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There's no way, oh, no way.

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This is, this is
not happening to me.

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No, this is not happening
to me right now.

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Come on, signal,
come on, come on!

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God, oh god, this can't be!

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Oh, oh, I'm not, no!

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Oh!

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Body, you can't do
this to me right now!

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Oh goodness, oh, oh, oh!

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How did the savages do it?

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Oh!

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I'm not gonna be
like a barbarian,

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but I don't think
I have any choice.

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Oh, what am I gonna do?

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Toilet paper, mm!

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Leaves.

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00:13:06,902 --> 00:13:09,902
Okay, okay, maybe I
could use some of these.

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Right here, okay.

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Now, now I need to find a spot.

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Oh!

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00:13:14,042 --> 00:13:15,208
I can't wait any longer!

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00:13:15,210 --> 00:13:17,176
Oh, I need a spot, oh!

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00:13:17,178 --> 00:13:18,011
What about right here?

200
00:13:18,013 --> 00:13:18,877
Yes, this looks fine.

201
00:13:18,879 --> 00:13:19,912
Okay, all right.

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00:13:19,914 --> 00:13:20,946
Pants down.

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00:13:20,948 --> 00:13:21,783
Okay.

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00:13:35,163 --> 00:13:36,831
Oh, that's so good.

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00:13:38,232 --> 00:13:39,366
Woo!

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00:13:39,368 --> 00:13:41,001
Yes.

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00:13:41,003 --> 00:13:41,935
Woo!

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My pants feel looser now!

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Oh, I feel so cleansed.

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00:13:49,076 --> 00:13:51,276
I guess it's not such
a bad day after all.

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00:13:51,278 --> 00:13:52,845
Feel so fresh.

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00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:08,728
I once saw some TV show about
this guy in the woods and junk

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00:14:08,730 --> 00:14:11,267
and he would just find stuff
that would help him survive.

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00:14:13,268 --> 00:14:15,134
I wish I paid attention to it,

215
00:14:15,136 --> 00:14:17,036
but he was like so hot

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00:14:17,038 --> 00:14:19,140
and I really didn't
understand a word he said.

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00:14:20,241 --> 00:14:22,844
Hm, I wonder if I could
find him out here.

218
00:14:23,945 --> 00:14:25,210
Maybe I could get a ride.

219
00:14:25,212 --> 00:14:28,281
He's always got like a
helicopter or something.

220
00:14:28,283 --> 00:14:30,883
Ew, is that a spider?

221
00:14:30,885 --> 00:14:32,118
I hate spiders!

222
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:35,121
Ugh, this place so
needs a cleaning!

223
00:14:35,123 --> 00:14:38,190
Where are the park maids?

224
00:14:38,192 --> 00:14:39,227
Ew!

225
00:14:40,128 --> 00:14:41,227
I hate this place!

226
00:14:41,229 --> 00:14:42,365
I hate nature!

227
00:14:45,332 --> 00:14:47,132
I wonder if this
place has bears in it.

228
00:14:47,134 --> 00:14:49,469
I mean, it looks
like a bear place,

229
00:14:49,471 --> 00:14:52,372
and if I was a bear, I'd
totally hang out here.

230
00:14:52,374 --> 00:14:56,108
Hey, is this where the
WeHo Bear Club hangs out?

231
00:14:56,110 --> 00:14:57,377
What the!

232
00:14:57,379 --> 00:14:59,746
You're gonna burn in
hell for what you did!

233
00:15:01,416 --> 00:15:03,983
Three years cardio kickboxing!

234
00:15:03,985 --> 00:15:06,219
Whoa, cool your jets, turbo.

235
00:15:06,221 --> 00:15:09,455
I, uh, was looking
for someone else.

236
00:15:09,457 --> 00:15:10,959
Gonna need this for later.

237
00:15:15,363 --> 00:15:18,263
You gonna kill some peanut
butter sandwiches with that?

238
00:15:18,265 --> 00:15:19,199
I lost my weapon.

239
00:15:19,201 --> 00:15:20,670
I woke up and it was gone, okay?

240
00:15:21,970 --> 00:15:23,172
I'm looking for someone.

241
00:15:24,272 --> 00:15:25,905
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa,

242
00:15:25,907 --> 00:15:27,206
whoa whoa whoa, I totally
found him like that.

243
00:15:27,208 --> 00:15:28,342
He was at the bottom of the hill

244
00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:30,243
and the blood and the rock
was already on top of him

245
00:15:30,245 --> 00:15:31,243
and I was totally gonna go
down there and help him out,

246
00:15:31,245 --> 00:15:32,911
but you know, I'm wearing
high-heel sneakers

247
00:15:32,913 --> 00:15:34,817
- and I can't go down there...
- Found who?

248
00:15:37,753 --> 00:15:38,387
Nobody.

249
00:15:39,888 --> 00:15:42,254
Are you the police?

250
00:15:42,256 --> 00:15:44,223
Police.

251
00:15:44,225 --> 00:15:45,324
No.

252
00:15:45,326 --> 00:15:48,294
I'm Homeland Security.

253
00:15:50,197 --> 00:15:51,033
Oh.

254
00:15:52,366 --> 00:15:53,201
Whew.

255
00:16:00,274 --> 00:16:02,108
What happened to your head?

256
00:16:02,110 --> 00:16:02,945
It's nothing.

257
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:06,882
I'm looking for someone.

258
00:16:10,818 --> 00:16:12,053
Have you seen this woman?

259
00:16:13,855 --> 00:16:17,556
That is the worst
selfie I have ever seen.

260
00:16:17,558 --> 00:16:19,258
You need to learn better angles.

261
00:16:19,260 --> 00:16:22,328
You can make yourself look
about 10 pounds lighter.

262
00:16:22,330 --> 00:16:23,429
And you need a

263
00:16:32,106 --> 00:16:34,807
filter too because I
could totally see pores.

264
00:16:34,809 --> 00:16:36,111
So you haven't seen her?

265
00:16:42,350 --> 00:16:43,384
OMG!

266
00:16:46,221 --> 00:16:48,054
You get cellphone
service out here?

267
00:16:48,056 --> 00:16:49,525
Who is your carrier?

268
00:16:54,129 --> 00:16:55,261
Nassau.

269
00:16:55,263 --> 00:16:56,930
Are they good?

270
00:16:56,932 --> 00:16:57,533
Stellar.

271
00:16:58,432 --> 00:17:00,199
Interstellar.

272
00:17:00,201 --> 00:17:03,268
Because I can't get
a single bar out here.

273
00:17:03,270 --> 00:17:05,337
Are their roaming rates okay?

274
00:17:05,339 --> 00:17:07,942
Astronomical, but
we're subsidized.

275
00:17:09,376 --> 00:17:10,378
Wow.

276
00:17:12,513 --> 00:17:13,348
Excuse me.

277
00:17:19,554 --> 00:17:21,187
- Hm?
- Sir.

278
00:17:21,189 --> 00:17:22,855
My sit rep is as follows.

279
00:17:23,892 --> 00:17:25,924
Agent Vicky is still MIA.

280
00:17:26,894 --> 00:17:28,327
The package is recovered.

281
00:17:28,329 --> 00:17:29,295
Mm-hm.

282
00:17:29,297 --> 00:17:30,930
I'm wounded but able.

283
00:17:30,932 --> 00:17:32,899
The situation...

284
00:17:32,901 --> 00:17:34,267
Is FUBAR.

285
00:17:36,337 --> 00:17:38,304
No, no no no no no no.

286
00:17:38,306 --> 00:17:40,405
No, Bogley shot
down the transport.

287
00:17:40,407 --> 00:17:43,209
Requesting recovery team.

288
00:17:43,211 --> 00:17:45,111
They are everywhere!

289
00:17:47,414 --> 00:17:48,581
Send in Agent Radcliff.

290
00:17:51,353 --> 00:17:52,520
Roger that, sir.

291
00:17:56,223 --> 00:17:58,658
So I'm not in trouble?

292
00:17:58,660 --> 00:18:00,196
Are you an illegal alien?

293
00:18:01,162 --> 00:18:03,462
Six eyes, tentacles?

294
00:18:03,464 --> 00:18:04,432
I'm from Texas.

295
00:18:05,467 --> 00:18:06,302
Close enough.

296
00:18:10,271 --> 00:18:12,374
I can't believe you
get signal out here.

297
00:18:15,442 --> 00:18:17,546
I've been looking for
signal for like an hour.

298
00:18:21,950 --> 00:18:23,482
God, I wish I had some
water or something.

299
00:18:23,484 --> 00:18:25,485
You sound like you're
totally choking.

300
00:18:28,088 --> 00:18:31,490
Oh, do you think if I get
higher up the mountain,

301
00:18:31,492 --> 00:18:33,294
like I could get a signal there?

302
00:18:41,201 --> 00:18:42,434
You know what?

303
00:18:42,436 --> 00:18:43,538
Can I borrow your
cellphone to...

304
00:18:47,107 --> 00:18:48,309
Hello?

305
00:18:49,510 --> 00:18:50,613
So you haven't seen her?

306
00:18:51,512 --> 00:18:53,246
No!

307
00:18:53,248 --> 00:18:54,415
Creepy much?

308
00:18:56,250 --> 00:18:57,417
Just like I need a,

309
00:18:57,419 --> 00:18:59,384
I need a new phone or something.

310
00:18:59,386 --> 00:19:00,422
This one's terrible.

311
00:19:15,436 --> 00:19:18,036
Hey, do you know how to

312
00:19:18,038 --> 00:19:19,439
get

313
00:19:19,441 --> 00:19:20,442
out of here?

314
00:19:42,163 --> 00:19:44,564
I have
like 3.4 million followers.

315
00:19:44,566 --> 00:19:47,400
I have millions of likes,
collaborations, sponsorships.

316
00:19:47,402 --> 00:19:49,469
I spend all my
time showing people

317
00:19:49,471 --> 00:19:51,406
what a perfect and
sexy life I have.

318
00:19:54,209 --> 00:19:57,442
And I have no real friends.

319
00:19:57,444 --> 00:19:59,647
I don't have any real friends.

320
00:20:01,348 --> 00:20:03,415
I don't spend time with anyone.

321
00:20:03,417 --> 00:20:06,054
All my friends are
social media friends.

322
00:20:07,689 --> 00:20:10,055
There is literally
no one out there

323
00:20:10,057 --> 00:20:11,460
that gives a damn about me.

324
00:20:13,028 --> 00:20:14,727
If I don't upload
for a few days,

325
00:20:14,729 --> 00:20:16,528
everyone will
forget I even exist,

326
00:20:16,530 --> 00:20:19,599
and there is a new face already
poised to take my place.

327
00:20:19,601 --> 00:20:20,432
Uh-huh.

328
00:20:20,434 --> 00:20:21,601
I hate Jessica!

329
00:20:21,603 --> 00:20:23,471
Her makeup is
always so on point!

330
00:20:24,705 --> 00:20:27,440
Well, sure she looks
like ass in real life

331
00:20:27,442 --> 00:20:29,307
without all her filters.

332
00:20:29,309 --> 00:20:30,776
Totally met her at a meetup,

333
00:20:30,778 --> 00:20:33,513
and I laughed so
hard when I saw her.

334
00:20:33,515 --> 00:20:34,616
What a dumb hoe.

335
00:20:36,050 --> 00:20:37,616
She shouldn't show
her face in public

336
00:20:37,618 --> 00:20:40,353
when she uses all those tricks
to make her skin all flawless

337
00:20:40,355 --> 00:20:43,623
and all those camera angles to
make herself look all skinny.

338
00:20:43,625 --> 00:20:46,124
She is a walking lie,

339
00:20:46,126 --> 00:20:49,194
and I can't even post
that pic of me and Jake.

340
00:20:49,196 --> 00:20:50,496
R.I.P.

341
00:20:50,498 --> 00:20:51,567
He was so lit.

342
00:20:53,367 --> 00:20:56,235
I am so hungry.

343
00:20:56,237 --> 00:20:58,336
If I don't eat
something like soon,

344
00:20:58,338 --> 00:21:00,672
I'll start losing
all my booty gains.

345
00:21:00,674 --> 00:21:01,710
Bag of dicks.

346
00:21:04,511 --> 00:21:06,578
Oh, mushrooms.

347
00:21:06,580 --> 00:21:10,248
Non-GMO, gluten-free, and
totally organic, right?

348
00:21:10,250 --> 00:21:12,117
I mean, you can't
get much fresher

349
00:21:12,119 --> 00:21:14,055
than straight out of
the forest, right?

350
00:21:15,289 --> 00:21:17,155
Smells like shiitake.

351
00:21:17,157 --> 00:21:19,292
I, I wish I could look it up.

352
00:21:19,294 --> 00:21:20,162
Dammit!

353
00:21:22,564 --> 00:21:24,497
Well, what if I just try one?

354
00:21:24,499 --> 00:21:27,266
I can always make
myself throw up, right?

355
00:21:27,268 --> 00:21:28,767
I'm like great at vomit.

356
00:21:28,769 --> 00:21:30,436
I practiced in high school.

357
00:21:30,438 --> 00:21:32,738
No way Suzie Baker was
gonna be thinner than me.

358
00:21:32,740 --> 00:21:34,242
That bitch.

359
00:21:40,414 --> 00:21:43,115
Hm, tastes pretty good.

360
00:21:43,117 --> 00:21:45,884
I'm like so paleo right now.

361
00:21:45,886 --> 00:21:48,557
Just like that raw vegan
place I tried last month.

362
00:21:50,357 --> 00:21:53,628
Ugh, I'm like a total
savage barbarian right now.

363
00:23:58,786 --> 00:23:59,788
Oh!

364
00:24:02,423 --> 00:24:03,258
A unicorn.

365
00:24:06,861 --> 00:24:08,864
Take me to that rainbow.

366
00:24:55,410 --> 00:24:56,245
Whoa!

367
00:24:56,978 --> 00:24:58,346
Pretty colors!

368
00:25:01,648 --> 00:25:03,315
Get out of the way!

369
00:25:04,484 --> 00:25:05,817
You're gonna get
yourself killed!

370
00:25:10,991 --> 00:25:14,326
Do you know how to get
to grandma's house?

371
00:25:14,328 --> 00:25:16,895
I don't know where
your grandma is.

372
00:25:20,535 --> 00:25:21,566
What's wrong with you?

373
00:25:21,568 --> 00:25:22,903
Did you eat something out here?

374
00:25:25,839 --> 00:25:26,771
Are you hungry?

375
00:25:26,773 --> 00:25:28,542
I have muffins and cookies.

376
00:25:31,712 --> 00:25:32,780
Uh,

377
00:25:33,881 --> 00:25:35,450
I only

378
00:25:37,785 --> 00:25:39,785
eat gluten-free cookies.

379
00:25:39,787 --> 00:25:41,757
Give those to your grandma.

380
00:25:52,866 --> 00:25:53,902
Um...

381
00:25:58,905 --> 00:26:02,040
Hey Mister Wolf, did
you see what I just saw?

382
00:26:02,042 --> 00:26:03,843
Was that Little Red Riding Hood?

383
00:26:03,845 --> 00:26:05,811
It
sure was, Barbi.

384
00:26:05,813 --> 00:26:08,413
I think that was
Little Red Riding Hood.

385
00:26:08,415 --> 00:26:09,849
What do you think?

386
00:26:09,851 --> 00:26:12,817
You're far
more delicious though.

387
00:26:47,555 --> 00:26:49,858
Have you seen Agent Mahoney?

388
00:26:51,592 --> 00:26:53,659
Tall, bald, glasses.

389
00:26:53,661 --> 00:26:55,997
The better to see me with!

390
00:27:21,154 --> 00:27:23,759
They must have no vision
in the pink spectrum!

391
00:28:23,017 --> 00:28:24,085
They can't see pink.

392
00:28:37,097 --> 00:28:39,097
Sir, I have discovered a
fault in their technology.

393
00:28:52,813 --> 00:28:54,880
It can change the course
of our whole battle.

394
00:28:55,982 --> 00:28:57,783
Alert Agent Radcliff that
the aliens cannot see pink.

395
00:29:03,156 --> 00:29:04,492
Oh, pretty!

396
00:29:22,809 --> 00:29:24,977
Okay,
I'm starting to suspect

397
00:29:24,979 --> 00:29:26,812
that those were not
gluten-free mushrooms,

398
00:29:26,814 --> 00:29:28,846
because I haven't
tripped balls like this

399
00:29:28,848 --> 00:29:31,115
since that weekend freshman
year in the Hamptons

400
00:29:31,117 --> 00:29:33,754
when Jessica stole my
first serious boyfriend.

401
00:29:35,288 --> 00:29:37,655
What was his name again?

402
00:29:37,657 --> 00:29:41,326
I mean, we were like totally
destined to be together.

403
00:29:41,328 --> 00:29:43,728
He was so rough and tough,

404
00:29:43,730 --> 00:29:46,100
just like a hot barbarian.

405
00:29:47,167 --> 00:29:49,969
I would've given him
so many followers,

406
00:29:49,971 --> 00:29:53,107
but he chose Jessica and
all he got was herpes.

407
00:29:54,808 --> 00:29:57,042
OMG, is that him,

408
00:29:57,044 --> 00:29:58,146
what's-his-nuts?

409
00:29:59,380 --> 00:30:02,046
He looks so much
better in a loincloth.

410
00:30:05,185 --> 00:30:07,054
Antibiotics do wonders.

411
00:30:11,157 --> 00:30:12,857
Check out this cute outfit.

412
00:30:12,859 --> 00:30:15,628
I have a sword, armored boobs!

413
00:30:15,630 --> 00:30:17,062
Looking good, Barbi.

414
00:30:19,900 --> 00:30:20,735
Hm.

415
00:30:22,336 --> 00:30:24,103
This looks sharp.

416
00:30:24,105 --> 00:30:26,575
This hallucination
is like so lit.

417
00:30:28,843 --> 00:30:30,209
That's right.

418
00:30:30,211 --> 00:30:31,376
Sploosh.

419
00:30:31,378 --> 00:30:34,046
You're gonna need a lot more
water to put out this fire.

420
00:30:34,048 --> 00:30:35,146
Mm-hm.

421
00:30:35,148 --> 00:30:38,083
Man, my abs look amazing.

422
00:30:38,085 --> 00:30:39,317
Why
did we break up again?

423
00:30:39,319 --> 00:30:41,056
I totally can't remember.

424
00:30:43,156 --> 00:30:45,024
I bet she wants me.

425
00:30:45,026 --> 00:30:46,290
If
this gets any hotter,

426
00:30:46,292 --> 00:30:48,192
I'm gonna need a boat.

427
00:30:50,431 --> 00:30:52,197
Check it, uh-huh.

428
00:30:52,199 --> 00:30:54,298
Call that a sword?

429
00:30:54,300 --> 00:30:56,971
I'll
call it anything you want.

430
00:30:59,874 --> 00:31:01,675
Wait, what just happened?

431
00:31:03,344 --> 00:31:04,776
BARBARIAN
VOICEOVER: Mm, baby!

432
00:31:04,778 --> 00:31:05,811
Wait, what?

433
00:31:07,948 --> 00:31:09,250
Hail to the king.

434
00:31:10,884 --> 00:31:13,121
Well
this escalated quickly.

435
00:31:14,387 --> 00:31:15,789
Oh, he's serious.

436
00:31:18,025 --> 00:31:20,159
Maybe he means
somebody back there.

437
00:31:20,161 --> 00:31:22,061
Nope, just me.

438
00:31:22,063 --> 00:31:24,462
Well, I didn't get
all fantasy dressed up

439
00:31:24,464 --> 00:31:26,731
for nothing, I guess.

440
00:31:26,733 --> 00:31:28,232
And I have this sword,

441
00:31:28,234 --> 00:31:31,005
so my brain must've known
something like this would happen.

442
00:31:32,772 --> 00:31:35,074
Gonna make her work for it.

443
00:31:36,042 --> 00:31:37,645
This chick's gonna ruin my pump!

444
00:31:39,046 --> 00:31:41,246
Your
pump looks just fine to me.

445
00:31:41,248 --> 00:31:42,346
I could totally take him.

446
00:31:42,348 --> 00:31:44,216
I know what he likes.

447
00:31:45,452 --> 00:31:46,788
She slapped my ass.

448
00:31:48,756 --> 00:31:50,055
I kinda like it.

449
00:31:50,057 --> 00:31:52,157
Oh,
we're still doing this.

450
00:31:54,494 --> 00:31:57,129
When did foreplay
become so hard?

451
00:32:00,500 --> 00:32:01,432
- I
- knew I shouldn't have taken

452
00:32:01,434 --> 00:32:03,235
my pre-workout pill early.

453
00:32:05,506 --> 00:32:06,438
I'm so glad

454
00:32:06,440 --> 00:32:08,006
I've been doing yoga classes.

455
00:32:08,008 --> 00:32:10,241
They really keep
me nice and loose.

456
00:32:10,243 --> 00:32:11,744
I can totally hold my own.

457
00:32:11,746 --> 00:32:12,978
I always could.

458
00:32:12,980 --> 00:32:16,148
Not to mention I look
amazing with this hand.

459
00:32:16,150 --> 00:32:17,015
- I
- wonder if she saw that lion

460
00:32:17,017 --> 00:32:18,449
that I killed last week.

461
00:32:18,451 --> 00:32:19,287
Oh, yeah.

462
00:32:22,088 --> 00:32:23,087
What I
love about this fantasy is that

463
00:32:23,089 --> 00:32:26,892
Jessica would never look
as good as I do in this.

464
00:32:26,894 --> 00:32:30,027
I mean, have you
seen this hotness?

465
00:32:30,029 --> 00:32:31,863
Man,
that's a nice loincloth.

466
00:32:31,865 --> 00:32:33,465
I wonder if she's
wearing underwear.

467
00:32:33,467 --> 00:32:34,369
Wait, am I?

468
00:32:36,269 --> 00:32:37,536
This barbarian fantasy

469
00:32:37,538 --> 00:32:40,972
is so much better
than the light show.

470
00:32:42,308 --> 00:32:43,344
Ha, gotcha!

471
00:32:44,478 --> 00:32:48,212
But
that was my favorite sword.

472
00:32:48,214 --> 00:32:49,250
Aw.

473
00:32:50,217 --> 00:32:51,219
I'm sad.

474
00:32:54,221 --> 00:32:55,853
Oh come on!

475
00:32:55,855 --> 00:32:57,288
You're finished already?

476
00:32:57,290 --> 00:32:58,990
But I'm not done yet!

477
00:32:58,992 --> 00:33:00,258
- I
- don't wanna fight you anyway.

478
00:33:00,260 --> 00:33:01,126
I can get your sword.

479
00:33:01,128 --> 00:33:02,295
- It's like right there.
- Stupid girl.

480
00:33:02,297 --> 00:33:04,162
I'll give
you a hand and everything.

481
00:33:04,164 --> 00:33:05,363
I'll go get it for you.

482
00:33:08,201 --> 00:33:09,203
Wait, come back!

483
00:33:10,238 --> 00:33:12,938
Ugh, it's like high
school prom all over again

484
00:33:12,940 --> 00:33:15,340
except I'm not fat anymore.

485
00:33:15,342 --> 00:33:19,147
Ugh, things get rough and he
goes crying to his mother.

486
00:33:21,147 --> 00:33:23,815
And now it's just me
left behind with a rabbit

487
00:33:23,817 --> 00:33:25,052
and no batteries.

488
00:33:27,253 --> 00:33:29,254
Ugh, now I remember the problem.

489
00:33:29,256 --> 00:33:30,988
He's too into himself,

490
00:33:30,990 --> 00:33:32,891
all pump and no go.

491
00:33:32,893 --> 00:33:35,262
Jessica can totally
keep him, blech.

492
00:33:36,497 --> 00:33:39,331
All those muscles spending
hours at the gym, for what?

493
00:33:39,333 --> 00:33:40,465
And then he dumps me.

494
00:33:40,467 --> 00:33:41,900
Me!

495
00:33:41,902 --> 00:33:44,335
I mean, have you seen
how hot I look now?

496
00:33:44,337 --> 00:33:46,904
Most people would
hallucinate being a superhero

497
00:33:46,906 --> 00:33:48,140
or a ballerina.

498
00:33:48,142 --> 00:33:49,908
Me, oh no.

499
00:33:49,910 --> 00:33:53,178
What is my subconscious
trying to tell me?

500
00:33:53,180 --> 00:33:54,345
Worst

501
00:33:54,347 --> 00:33:56,113
fantasy

502
00:33:56,115 --> 00:33:56,917
ever.

503
00:35:15,094 --> 00:35:15,929
Pretty.

504
00:37:14,614 --> 00:37:17,749
Why'd you pop my balloons?

505
00:37:18,284 --> 00:37:20,087
I'm gonna kill you, bitch!

506
00:37:21,121 --> 00:37:21,820
Oh my god!

507
00:37:21,822 --> 00:37:23,655
Oh my god, oh my god!

508
00:37:24,824 --> 00:37:26,724
This cannot be my life!

509
00:37:26,726 --> 00:37:27,726
A monster, really?

510
00:37:27,728 --> 00:37:28,793
Slow down, bitch!

511
00:37:30,496 --> 00:37:31,463
I'm tired!

512
00:37:31,465 --> 00:37:33,264
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!

513
00:37:41,708 --> 00:37:43,374
It's all right.

514
00:37:43,376 --> 00:37:44,708
- You good?
- Mm-hm.

515
00:37:44,710 --> 00:37:46,110
We're good.

516
00:37:46,112 --> 00:37:46,744
We're good.

517
00:37:46,746 --> 00:37:48,512
Okay.

518
00:37:48,514 --> 00:37:51,184
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

519
00:37:54,621 --> 00:37:57,488
Oh my god, he's
swinging an ax at me!

520
00:38:03,697 --> 00:38:06,233
I'm gonna kill you, bitch!

521
00:38:07,501 --> 00:38:09,434
You're such a dead little bitch!

522
00:38:12,606 --> 00:38:14,106
You're such a dead little bitch!

523
00:38:21,648 --> 00:38:23,818
I'm gonna kill you, bitch!

524
00:38:28,588 --> 00:38:29,590
Oh my god!

525
00:38:30,556 --> 00:38:32,224
Oh my god!

526
00:38:32,226 --> 00:38:36,193
Where am I gonna get
another balloon out here?

527
00:38:37,463 --> 00:38:38,295
No!

528
00:38:38,297 --> 00:38:39,566
Leave me alone!

529
00:38:43,769 --> 00:38:47,671
Where am I gonna get
another balloon out here?

530
00:38:47,673 --> 00:38:50,610
Party supply
stores for clowns!

531
00:40:08,688 --> 00:40:09,923
That was crazy.

532
00:40:12,291 --> 00:40:13,657
Say a command.

533
00:40:13,659 --> 00:40:15,327
Call home.

534
00:40:15,329 --> 00:40:17,628
- Hi, honey.
- Honey, yeah.

535
00:40:17,630 --> 00:40:20,467
Hey so, I just pulled
over to take a quick leak.

536
00:40:21,635 --> 00:40:22,467
Unbelievable.

537
00:40:22,469 --> 00:40:23,635
You wouldn't believe.

538
00:40:23,637 --> 00:40:25,737
There was a chick,
a blonde chick,

539
00:40:25,739 --> 00:40:27,639
tripping balls
out in the forest,

540
00:40:27,641 --> 00:40:29,840
like losing her freaking mind.

541
00:40:29,842 --> 00:40:32,543
- Drugs?
- Yeah yeah, I know, right?

542
00:40:32,545 --> 00:40:33,345
Kids today.

543
00:40:33,347 --> 00:40:35,516
I mean, ugh, kids.

544
00:40:38,784 --> 00:40:40,651
Oh no, why is he chasing me!

545
00:41:18,525 --> 00:41:19,360
Shh!

546
00:41:44,518 --> 00:41:45,318
Ow.

547
00:42:17,451 --> 00:42:18,286
What?

548
00:42:28,961 --> 00:42:29,797
Oh my god!

549
00:42:58,391 --> 00:42:59,090
Yes!

550
00:43:01,594 --> 00:43:02,429
Oh, yes!

551
00:43:03,797 --> 00:43:04,729
Oh!

552
00:44:54,574 --> 00:44:56,110
No no no no no no no!

553
00:44:57,744 --> 00:44:58,579
No!

554
00:45:01,014 --> 00:45:02,016
No!

555
00:45:04,251 --> 00:45:05,619
No, don't die!

556
00:45:09,222 --> 00:45:10,854
Fresh and clean.

557
00:45:10,856 --> 00:45:14,025
Nothing like a morning shower
in natural springwater.

558
00:45:14,027 --> 00:45:15,994
Is this what my parents
were talking about

559
00:45:15,996 --> 00:45:18,829
when they lived in that hippie
commune back in the '80s?

560
00:45:18,831 --> 00:45:21,766
I think they wore like
jogging suits or something.

561
00:45:21,768 --> 00:45:24,001
Hm, something feels weird.

562
00:45:24,003 --> 00:45:26,838
Were there way too many
minerals in the water?

563
00:45:26,840 --> 00:45:28,805
Maybe I need some
lotion or something.

564
00:45:28,807 --> 00:45:30,208
My neck is feeling kinda itchy.

565
00:45:33,947 --> 00:45:35,280
Focus, Barbi.

566
00:45:35,282 --> 00:45:37,084
It's just all in your head.

567
00:45:38,284 --> 00:45:39,784
Maybe I didn't sleep off

568
00:45:39,786 --> 00:45:41,853
all the effects from
those mushrooms.

569
00:45:41,855 --> 00:45:44,655
No, I'm definitely feeling
something back there.

570
00:45:44,657 --> 00:45:45,956
Where's my mirror?

571
00:45:45,958 --> 00:45:46,993
Let's see.

572
00:45:49,128 --> 00:45:51,128
Are those my pores?

573
00:45:51,130 --> 00:45:51,929
Ugh!

574
00:45:51,931 --> 00:45:54,132
I totally need some
new foundation.

575
00:45:54,134 --> 00:45:56,135
Maybe a waterproof
one or something.

576
00:45:57,137 --> 00:45:59,874
Better, I mean, not bad
for the savage wild.

577
00:46:00,673 --> 00:46:01,940
I wonder where I am.

578
00:46:01,942 --> 00:46:04,575
I've been walking
nonstop for hours.

579
00:46:04,577 --> 00:46:05,976
I wish I was
tracking my calories.

580
00:46:05,978 --> 00:46:09,048
My calorie burn must
be off the charts.

581
00:46:11,150 --> 00:46:13,119
Ugh, what is this
freaking itching!

582
00:46:15,021 --> 00:46:17,091
Did I touch some poison
ivy or something?

583
00:46:18,090 --> 00:46:19,724
I have a photo shoot next week,

584
00:46:19,726 --> 00:46:21,159
and if I'm still alive,

585
00:46:21,161 --> 00:46:23,994
I can't have a rash I
can't cover up with makeup.

586
00:46:23,996 --> 00:46:25,095
Wait, what the hell is this?

587
00:46:25,097 --> 00:46:27,867
Fuzzy, pointy, it's moving.

588
00:46:56,362 --> 00:46:57,196
Spider.

589
00:48:29,255 --> 00:48:31,025
Oh, you're awake.

590
00:48:32,858 --> 00:48:33,693
Yeah.

591
00:48:35,295 --> 00:48:37,295
What happened?

592
00:48:37,297 --> 00:48:38,229
You slipped and fell.

593
00:48:38,231 --> 00:48:39,767
Lucky I was there to catch you.

594
00:48:41,300 --> 00:48:42,467
Wow.

595
00:48:42,469 --> 00:48:44,235
I could've died.

596
00:48:44,237 --> 00:48:45,802
Yeah, I know.

597
00:48:45,804 --> 00:48:48,174
Pretty amazing, right?

598
00:48:54,280 --> 00:48:55,278
Kenny Radcliff, ma'am.

599
00:48:55,280 --> 00:48:56,313
Barbi Radcliff.

600
00:48:56,315 --> 00:48:57,150
I mean, Brennan.

601
00:49:00,018 --> 00:49:02,021
Oh, sorry, I went
through your bag.

602
00:49:03,956 --> 00:49:05,222
You were out of water

603
00:49:05,224 --> 00:49:07,258
so I gave you a refill
and some food rations.

604
00:49:07,260 --> 00:49:08,458
And a ring.

605
00:49:08,460 --> 00:49:09,894
You mean a ring.

606
00:49:09,896 --> 00:49:13,063
OMG, OMG, OMG, it's
really happening!

607
00:49:13,065 --> 00:49:17,200
I'm gonna be the next
Mrs. Barbi Kenny Radcliff!

608
00:49:17,202 --> 00:49:20,204
I'm not gonna die alone
in my house with 10 cats

609
00:49:20,206 --> 00:49:24,242
who will eat my eyes after
I'm dead like my mom said!

610
00:49:24,244 --> 00:49:27,979
It's so beautiful!

611
00:49:27,981 --> 00:49:30,180
I'm gonna get this
appraised right away.

612
00:49:30,182 --> 00:49:32,182
What is this, like 100 carats?

613
00:49:32,184 --> 00:49:33,117
I'm so worth it.

614
00:49:37,289 --> 00:49:38,291
My precious!

615
00:49:39,826 --> 00:49:41,327
Take that, Jessica!

616
00:49:42,461 --> 00:49:44,864
Thank you very much.

617
00:49:47,333 --> 00:49:48,900
You should probably
stick to the trails.

618
00:49:48,902 --> 00:49:49,534
Trails?

619
00:49:49,536 --> 00:49:50,834
What trails?

620
00:49:50,836 --> 00:49:53,271
I'm totally lost.

621
00:49:53,273 --> 00:49:54,838
In more ways than one.

622
00:49:54,840 --> 00:49:56,072
- Huh?
- Oh, nothing.

623
00:49:56,074 --> 00:49:57,210
Are you out here alone?

624
00:50:00,146 --> 00:50:00,981
Sort of.

625
00:50:03,349 --> 00:50:05,048
Well if you hike that way
for about a mile and a half,

626
00:50:29,976 --> 00:50:31,141
you'll come across the road.

627
00:50:31,143 --> 00:50:32,543
Sooner or later the ranger
will come by and pick you up,

628
00:50:32,545 --> 00:50:33,347
get you home.

629
00:50:35,849 --> 00:50:37,084
Are you coming?

630
00:50:38,284 --> 00:50:39,253
No.

631
00:50:40,420 --> 00:50:41,952
I've got unfinished business.

632
00:50:44,056 --> 00:50:46,325
Oh, so you go that way?

633
00:50:52,231 --> 00:50:53,465
Hello?

634
00:50:53,467 --> 00:50:54,032
I really
need to start paying attention

635
00:50:54,034 --> 00:50:56,066
when people talk to me.

636
00:50:56,068 --> 00:50:58,269
It's just so rare that I
actually talk to someone

637
00:50:58,271 --> 00:50:59,936
face to face, you know?

638
00:50:59,938 --> 00:51:01,905
It's so much easier
to text them.

639
00:51:01,907 --> 00:51:06,209
Hm, maybe my people skills
are somehow lacking.

640
00:51:06,211 --> 00:51:07,912
Like, if I listened
to Kenny's directions,

641
00:51:07,914 --> 00:51:09,817
maybe I'd already
be home by now.

642
00:51:11,284 --> 00:51:14,117
Wait, is that someone there?

643
00:51:14,119 --> 00:51:16,253
Maybe they know where I am.

644
00:51:16,255 --> 00:51:17,521
She looks familiar.

645
00:51:17,523 --> 00:51:19,590
Where have I seen her before?

646
00:51:19,592 --> 00:51:21,525
Does she do hair tutorials?

647
00:51:26,965 --> 00:51:28,432
Help me!

648
00:51:28,434 --> 00:51:30,066
Maybe she
knows where to get signals

649
00:51:30,068 --> 00:51:32,271
so I can find Kenny
and swipe right.

650
00:51:33,672 --> 00:51:36,240
Excuse me, excuse me.

651
00:51:36,242 --> 00:51:38,208
Do you know how to
get out of here?

652
00:51:42,414 --> 00:51:45,485
Oh my god, what is that smell?

653
00:51:48,121 --> 00:51:49,452
Oh, thank god!

654
00:51:49,454 --> 00:51:50,320
Help me!

655
00:51:50,322 --> 00:51:51,688
My arm is crushed!

656
00:51:51,690 --> 00:51:53,292
Hey, are you okay?

657
00:51:54,193 --> 00:51:56,026
Help me, I'm stuck!

658
00:52:04,436 --> 00:52:05,970
What happened?

659
00:52:07,373 --> 00:52:08,171
My arm's
crushed, I can't move it!

660
00:52:08,173 --> 00:52:09,307
Oh that looks bad.

661
00:52:09,309 --> 00:52:12,510
Your dry-cleaner is never
gonna get that out, honey.

662
00:52:12,512 --> 00:52:14,211
I know, right?

663
00:52:14,213 --> 00:52:15,315
Now can you help me?

664
00:52:18,650 --> 00:52:21,120
What is that stench?

665
00:52:23,422 --> 00:52:26,691
The effervescent scent
of the great outdoors.

666
00:52:26,693 --> 00:52:29,427
Hey, were you gonna
cut your arm off?

667
00:52:29,429 --> 00:52:31,228
Yeah, duh.

668
00:52:31,230 --> 00:52:32,432
I can't take it anymore!

669
00:52:33,599 --> 00:52:35,266
I know, right?

670
00:52:35,268 --> 00:52:37,336
I would totally kill myself
if I had to smell this.

671
00:52:39,237 --> 00:52:40,239
What happened?

672
00:52:41,606 --> 00:52:43,007
I was in a plane crash.

673
00:52:43,009 --> 00:52:43,974
Didn't you see?

674
00:52:43,976 --> 00:52:45,008
What plane crash?

675
00:52:45,010 --> 00:52:46,476
Oh never mind.

676
00:52:46,478 --> 00:52:47,311
A little help here?

677
00:52:47,313 --> 00:52:49,012
Oh, sorry.

678
00:52:54,387 --> 00:52:55,389
What's that?

679
00:52:56,521 --> 00:52:58,088
Uh, nothing.

680
00:52:58,090 --> 00:52:59,023
Don't worry about it.

681
00:52:59,025 --> 00:53:00,157
Get me outta here!

682
00:53:00,159 --> 00:53:00,724
Uh, hold on.

683
00:53:00,726 --> 00:53:02,092
Wait, wait.

684
00:53:04,697 --> 00:53:06,396
Is that a dead body?

685
00:53:10,003 --> 00:53:11,505
You gotta
be kidding me.

686
00:53:17,309 --> 00:53:18,508
Ew!

687
00:53:18,510 --> 00:53:20,411
It is a dead body!

688
00:53:20,413 --> 00:53:23,546
Oh, and it looks like someone
beat the crap out of it.

689
00:53:23,548 --> 00:53:25,518
What happened to him?

690
00:53:27,085 --> 00:53:28,552
The same thing
that'll happen to you

691
00:53:28,554 --> 00:53:31,655
if you don't get me out of here.

692
00:53:31,657 --> 00:53:34,361
You're totally freaking
me out right now.

693
00:53:35,561 --> 00:53:37,965
Haven't you ever seen
a dead body before?

694
00:53:40,532 --> 00:53:42,268
Recently?

695
00:53:43,402 --> 00:53:44,668
Uh-huh.

696
00:53:44,670 --> 00:53:45,639
Who is this?

697
00:53:46,672 --> 00:53:48,472
I'm gonna die here.

698
00:53:49,307 --> 00:53:50,143
The dead body.

699
00:53:52,445 --> 00:53:53,778
My boss.

700
00:53:53,780 --> 00:53:56,280
Might've had a
slight disagreement

701
00:53:56,282 --> 00:53:58,684
over a small financial sum.

702
00:54:00,385 --> 00:54:04,121
Hey, you can't take
that, those are state secrets!

703
00:54:11,197 --> 00:54:13,200
No, you can't stop me!

704
00:54:14,233 --> 00:54:15,499
Cut you.

705
00:54:15,501 --> 00:54:16,333
Give me it back.

706
00:54:16,335 --> 00:54:17,168
I'm gonna cut you!

707
00:54:17,170 --> 00:54:18,302
Give me it back!

708
00:54:24,844 --> 00:54:27,845
There was a rock slide,
but that came after,

709
00:54:27,847 --> 00:54:29,316
and now I'm here!

710
00:54:31,516 --> 00:54:32,483
Oh.

711
00:54:32,485 --> 00:54:34,584
Okay. Well do you know
how to get out of here?

712
00:54:34,586 --> 00:54:36,487
Can you please
help me already?

713
00:54:36,489 --> 00:54:38,456
All right already, gosh!

714
00:54:38,458 --> 00:54:40,825
It's all about you, isn't it?

715
00:54:45,498 --> 00:54:47,530
Oh, there's no way
I'm gonna move this.

716
00:54:47,532 --> 00:54:49,432
And honey, I'm not
cutting your arm off.

717
00:54:49,434 --> 00:54:50,767
That would be way too messy,

718
00:54:50,769 --> 00:54:53,340
and have you seen this
outfit that I'm wearing?

719
00:54:54,239 --> 00:54:56,507
Just get that stick over there

720
00:54:56,509 --> 00:54:59,679
and use it like a lever
to move the rocks.

721
00:55:01,713 --> 00:55:03,482
Oh!

722
00:55:08,554 --> 00:55:09,389
Will this do?

723
00:55:11,824 --> 00:55:13,427
That's too heavy.

724
00:55:14,693 --> 00:55:17,697
Can you please hurry it up!

725
00:55:18,831 --> 00:55:20,767
All right, all
right already, gosh!

726
00:55:33,146 --> 00:55:34,314
That's good.

727
00:55:37,617 --> 00:55:38,452
What the?

728
00:55:42,822 --> 00:55:44,257
Where'd she go?

729
00:55:54,333 --> 00:55:57,233
Why does this keep
happening to me?

730
00:55:58,704 --> 00:55:59,739
Oh god.

731
00:56:00,706 --> 00:56:02,675
Why is this always so...

732
00:56:06,878 --> 00:56:08,778
What was that about?

733
00:56:13,518 --> 00:56:14,517
Okay, that was weird.

734
00:56:14,519 --> 00:56:17,487
Hair tutorial girl just
vanished into the forest

735
00:56:17,489 --> 00:56:20,624
and now I'm left with
a dead farting body.

736
00:56:20,626 --> 00:56:22,626
It looks so familiar.

737
00:56:22,628 --> 00:56:25,396
Meh, probably just
my imagination.

738
00:56:25,398 --> 00:56:28,932
What I need to do is
center, regroup my thoughts.

739
00:56:28,934 --> 00:56:30,601
I might be seeing things again.

740
00:56:30,603 --> 00:56:35,472
Man, those mushrooms have
some gnarly acid flashbacks.

741
00:56:35,474 --> 00:56:37,740
Okay, I need to calm my mind.

742
00:56:37,742 --> 00:56:39,309
I need a zen moment.

743
00:56:39,311 --> 00:56:40,610
I am a woman,

744
00:56:40,612 --> 00:56:41,744
hear me roar.

745
00:56:45,617 --> 00:56:47,985
Okay, that was in
my head, right?

746
00:56:47,987 --> 00:56:48,822
Okay.

747
00:56:52,824 --> 00:56:54,391
I am a woman,

748
00:56:54,393 --> 00:56:55,693
hear me roar.

749
00:57:08,673 --> 00:57:10,807
So much for tranquility.

750
00:57:10,809 --> 00:57:13,309
And here I was thinking
I could reach nirvana,

751
00:57:13,311 --> 00:57:15,915
like that one time in that
hot yoga class I tried.

752
00:57:38,838 --> 00:57:40,507
And now we're all caught up.

753
00:57:43,675 --> 00:57:45,842
I'm getting pretty good
at this survival thing.

754
00:57:45,844 --> 00:57:48,345
I just wish I had some
pre-workout with me.

755
00:57:48,347 --> 00:57:50,817
Ugh, I miss my
Wow Force protein.

756
00:57:52,918 --> 00:57:54,584
But look at me!

757
00:57:54,586 --> 00:57:56,686
I'm getting better at
this free-climbing thing.

758
00:57:56,688 --> 00:57:58,856
I'm even starting to enjoy it.

759
00:57:58,858 --> 00:58:00,291
I just wish I brought something

760
00:58:00,293 --> 00:58:01,858
other than high heel
sneakers with me,

761
00:58:01,860 --> 00:58:04,827
but then this outfit
would not look this cute.

762
00:58:04,829 --> 00:58:06,563
I have this funny feeling

763
00:58:06,565 --> 00:58:08,768
that I might've taken the
long way up this mountain.

764
00:58:10,869 --> 00:58:12,672
But maybe there's
a signal up there!

765
00:58:14,706 --> 00:58:17,441
There has got to be
some signal somewhere

766
00:58:17,443 --> 00:58:19,512
in this nature's bag of dicks.

767
00:58:21,780 --> 00:58:25,682
This fast at cardio is the bomb!

768
00:58:25,684 --> 00:58:29,019
Damn, that was
the ultimate burn!

769
00:58:29,021 --> 00:58:31,755
Leg day, smashed!

770
00:58:39,764 --> 00:58:41,498
Oh my god, I can't breathe.

771
00:58:41,500 --> 00:58:42,599
I can't breathe,
I can't breathe!

772
00:58:42,601 --> 00:58:44,037
I can't breathe,
I can't breathe!

773
00:58:52,110 --> 00:58:53,543
Whew.

774
00:58:53,545 --> 00:58:54,744
Ugh, much better.

775
00:58:54,746 --> 00:58:58,414
I think I've set some of record
for wearing a waist trainer.

776
00:58:58,416 --> 00:58:59,883
I need a break.

777
00:58:59,885 --> 00:59:02,589
That mountain was a little
rough for my complexion.

778
00:59:03,856 --> 00:59:05,558
I'm either gonna be glowing or

779
00:59:06,891 --> 00:59:08,891
I'm gonna need some
industrial strength facials

780
00:59:08,893 --> 00:59:10,728
when I get out of here.

781
00:59:10,730 --> 00:59:11,563
I mean,

782
00:59:14,900 --> 00:59:16,766
I don't think there's any
dirt left on the ground.

783
00:59:16,768 --> 00:59:19,436
It's like all in my pores!

784
00:59:19,438 --> 00:59:21,871
Luckily I'm prepared for this.

785
00:59:21,873 --> 00:59:25,675
My Super Mega Pore Suck mud
mask should do the trick.

786
00:59:25,677 --> 00:59:26,876
Just need a place to sit down

787
00:59:26,878 --> 00:59:28,612
and do a little spa treatment.

788
00:59:28,614 --> 00:59:31,650
You know, it's all about
personal care and hygiene.

789
00:59:43,829 --> 00:59:44,961
Good thing I'm all
alone out here.

790
00:59:44,963 --> 00:59:48,132
I mean, if someone sees me
like this, I would just...

791
00:59:48,134 --> 00:59:50,099
Die, you faceless
form of a space alien!

792
00:59:50,101 --> 00:59:50,903
Whoa, whoa whoa whoa
whoa whoa, it's me!

793
00:59:53,972 --> 00:59:55,072
Shit.

794
00:59:55,074 --> 00:59:56,773
Didn't recognize you.

795
00:59:56,775 --> 00:59:58,175
Almost blew your face off.

796
00:59:58,177 --> 00:59:59,913
I'm doing a little
spa treatment.

797
01:00:01,079 --> 01:00:02,945
Yeah. Maybe I should
blow your face off.

798
01:00:02,947 --> 01:00:04,815
Your pores were looking
horrible back there.

799
01:00:04,817 --> 01:00:05,885
I know, right?

800
01:00:07,619 --> 01:00:09,688
It's all about personal
care and hygiene.

801
01:00:10,889 --> 01:00:13,123
What the hell are you
still doing here anyway?

802
01:00:16,061 --> 01:00:18,162
I told you how to
get out of here.

803
01:00:18,164 --> 01:00:20,197
I followed all your
directions to the letter

804
01:00:20,199 --> 01:00:22,802
and here I am.

805
01:00:25,871 --> 01:00:27,704
We need to get
out of here, now.

806
01:00:27,706 --> 01:00:29,972
What are you thinking,
cocktails, dancing?

807
01:00:29,974 --> 01:00:31,874
No, we need ex-fill ASAP.

808
01:00:31,876 --> 01:00:33,543
Are they a band, they new?

809
01:00:33,545 --> 01:00:34,711
Never heard of them.

810
01:00:44,023 --> 01:00:44,923
Oh Jesus.

811
01:00:49,494 --> 01:00:52,931
That's not exactly a
hunting rifle you got there.

812
01:00:54,500 --> 01:00:55,668
No, it's not.

813
01:00:57,068 --> 01:00:59,873
You mean you're not
hiking or hunting?

814
01:01:00,840 --> 01:01:02,206
Oh, I'm hunting.

815
01:01:02,208 --> 01:01:04,842
I just hope I get it
before it gets me.

816
01:01:16,621 --> 01:01:17,554
What
the hell, what the hell,

817
01:01:17,556 --> 01:01:18,155
what the hell, what the hell!

818
01:01:18,157 --> 01:01:19,021
I gotta get outta here!

819
01:01:19,023 --> 01:01:21,057
I hate the outdoors!

820
01:01:27,666 --> 01:01:29,999
OMG, what should I do?
What do I do, what do I do,

821
01:01:30,001 --> 01:01:31,501
what do I do, what do I do!

822
01:01:31,503 --> 01:01:33,135
He's like an outdoorsy guy.

823
01:01:33,137 --> 01:01:34,537
Wait, should I help him?

824
01:01:34,539 --> 01:01:35,805
Nah, he's fine, he's
fine, he's fine.

825
01:01:35,807 --> 01:01:37,641
I think I'm just
gonna get in the way.

826
01:01:37,643 --> 01:01:39,141
Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah.

827
01:01:39,143 --> 01:01:40,943
I'll just text him later.

828
01:01:40,945 --> 01:01:41,780
He got this.

829
01:01:42,780 --> 01:01:44,046
What was that?

830
01:01:44,048 --> 01:01:46,717
That had to be some
mutant bear lion octopus.

831
01:01:46,719 --> 01:01:48,251
Six eyes, tentacles.

832
01:01:48,253 --> 01:01:50,220
The water must be
totally contaminated

833
01:01:50,222 --> 01:01:51,722
out here or something.

834
01:01:51,724 --> 01:01:53,090
My mother was right,

835
01:01:53,092 --> 01:01:57,059
I am gonna die a
lonely spinster!

836
01:01:57,061 --> 01:01:59,162
Well at least my
pores are glowing now.

837
01:01:59,164 --> 01:02:00,264
Not that it matters.

838
01:02:03,635 --> 01:02:05,936
Oh look, a cave!

839
01:02:05,938 --> 01:02:09,776
What possible dangers
can lurk inside here?

840
01:02:10,943 --> 01:02:13,744
Ugh, it doesn't matter
anymore anyway, does it?

841
01:02:13,746 --> 01:02:16,179
I'm alone, again!

842
01:02:16,181 --> 01:02:18,548
Just like my whole life!

843
01:02:18,550 --> 01:02:19,849
I miss my phone!

844
01:02:19,851 --> 01:02:23,086
Just holding it
makes me feel better!

845
01:02:23,088 --> 01:02:25,692
I'm severed from the collective!

846
01:02:26,858 --> 01:02:28,958
I'm never gonna find my
way out of here, am I?

847
01:02:28,960 --> 01:02:33,030
There will be stories
of the lonely crazy lady

848
01:02:33,032 --> 01:02:35,666
who lives up in the
cave in the mountains.

849
01:02:35,668 --> 01:02:38,137
It'll be used to scare
children at night.

850
01:02:39,271 --> 01:02:40,938
I'll just stop
shaving, plucking,

851
01:02:40,940 --> 01:02:43,072
and just let everything go.

852
01:02:43,074 --> 01:02:44,874
I'll eat pasta,
doughnuts, pizza,

853
01:02:44,876 --> 01:02:47,844
stop doing squats and let
my abs get all flabby.

854
01:02:47,846 --> 01:02:50,847
I mean, who do I need
to look good for?

855
01:02:50,849 --> 01:02:54,717
My whole love life
has just been a mess.

856
01:02:54,719 --> 01:02:57,220
All I wanted was
to find a nice guy,

857
01:02:57,222 --> 01:02:59,590
someone who will love me.

858
01:02:59,592 --> 01:03:01,825
But who is the real me?

859
01:03:01,827 --> 01:03:04,026
I'm not exactly a good person.

860
01:03:04,028 --> 01:03:07,197
I mean, I just left
that guy to die.

861
01:03:07,199 --> 01:03:08,932
He was out there screaming,

862
01:03:08,934 --> 01:03:11,802
and I just kinda ran away,

863
01:03:11,804 --> 01:03:13,269
not to mention poor Jake.

864
01:03:13,271 --> 01:03:17,740
I have like the worst luck ever.

865
01:03:17,742 --> 01:03:18,941
Now that I've seen
more of the world,

866
01:03:18,943 --> 01:03:22,713
I guess it's not so important
to have a million followers.

867
01:03:22,715 --> 01:03:26,215
Kenny's probably some
special forces black ops guy

868
01:03:26,217 --> 01:03:29,786
who doesn't even have a
real identity, like my dad.

869
01:03:29,788 --> 01:03:33,190
He's not even online
and he's still hot.

870
01:03:33,192 --> 01:03:36,092
Hot guys without social media?

871
01:03:36,094 --> 01:03:38,061
Is that even possible?

872
01:03:38,063 --> 01:03:39,729
Poor Kenny and Jake.

873
01:03:39,731 --> 01:03:44,737
OMG, does this make
me like a black widow?

874
01:03:45,103 --> 01:03:46,135
R.I.P.

875
01:03:46,137 --> 01:03:47,806
They were so lit.

876
01:03:58,317 --> 01:04:00,416
Huh?

877
01:04:00,418 --> 01:04:03,088
Ah, it was a dream.

878
01:04:04,289 --> 01:04:05,121
Ugh.

879
01:04:05,123 --> 01:04:06,992
Oh, thank goodness.

880
01:04:12,998 --> 01:04:16,001
Oh, hello room, I've missed you.

881
01:04:24,076 --> 01:04:25,010
Still got it.

882
01:04:27,945 --> 01:04:28,780
Mm!

883
01:05:41,052 --> 01:05:41,887
Hello?

884
01:05:43,422 --> 01:05:46,192
Hello, daughter
of the universe.

885
01:05:48,193 --> 01:05:50,260
My mom's name is Diane.

886
01:05:50,262 --> 01:05:53,162
We are all children
of the universe.

887
01:05:53,164 --> 01:05:55,132
No need to worry.

888
01:05:55,134 --> 01:05:57,200
Nothing happens randomly.

889
01:05:57,202 --> 01:06:00,273
There is a divine
path to everything.

890
01:06:01,139 --> 01:06:03,076
We are all but stardust.

891
01:06:04,208 --> 01:06:05,342
Uh-huh.

892
01:06:05,344 --> 01:06:07,209
The paths you have chosen

893
01:06:07,211 --> 01:06:10,349
and the decisions you've
made led you here.

894
01:06:12,416 --> 01:06:13,983
Uh-huh.

895
01:06:13,985 --> 01:06:15,452
And what have
you learned so far

896
01:06:15,454 --> 01:06:17,090
from your journey, my child?

897
01:06:18,289 --> 01:06:20,990
Not to wear high-heeled
sneakers while hiking.

898
01:06:20,992 --> 01:06:23,260
Well, that's a start.

899
01:06:23,262 --> 01:06:25,364
But what have you
learned with your heart?

900
01:06:26,831 --> 01:06:29,032
Not to lie on
my dating profile.

901
01:06:29,034 --> 01:06:30,534
Closer.

902
01:06:30,536 --> 01:06:33,235
Think beyond here.

903
01:06:33,237 --> 01:06:34,436
I don't know.

904
01:06:34,438 --> 01:06:36,907
I've seen some ratchet
shit out there.

905
01:06:36,909 --> 01:06:38,809
You have questions.

906
01:06:38,811 --> 01:06:40,543
Yeah, how do I
get out of here?

907
01:06:40,545 --> 01:06:42,813
Excellent question.

908
01:06:42,815 --> 01:06:44,815
The body is just a mortal coil

909
01:06:44,817 --> 01:06:46,416
that we're all trapped in.

910
01:06:46,418 --> 01:06:48,083
But if you free your mind,

911
01:06:48,085 --> 01:06:51,987
it will flow with the
energy of the universe.

912
01:06:51,989 --> 01:06:54,124
I can teach you
ancient techniques.

913
01:06:54,126 --> 01:06:57,427
No, no, I mean how
do I get out of here?

914
01:06:57,429 --> 01:07:00,831
Oh, oh, do you get bars in here?

915
01:07:00,833 --> 01:07:01,965
No.

916
01:07:01,967 --> 01:07:04,501
Ask yourself deeper questions.

917
01:07:04,503 --> 01:07:08,304
Oh, you mean like
meaningful questions.

918
01:07:08,306 --> 01:07:10,072
Yes, exactly.

919
01:07:10,074 --> 01:07:11,307
Ask, my child.

920
01:07:17,048 --> 01:07:18,447
How is Jessica getting
all her followers?

921
01:07:18,449 --> 01:07:20,352
She's buying her
likes, isn't she?

922
01:07:21,186 --> 01:07:22,188
Oh my god.

923
01:07:23,054 --> 01:07:23,889
Is she real?

924
01:07:29,327 --> 01:07:30,396
Let me tell you a secret.

925
01:07:31,597 --> 01:07:34,130
The ultimate answer
you're looking for,

926
01:07:34,132 --> 01:07:35,865
it will end your search

927
01:07:35,867 --> 01:07:38,534
and will take you to a new
level of consciousness.

928
01:07:38,536 --> 01:07:41,470
Space time will come
together, and your

929
01:07:41,472 --> 01:07:43,373
- questions will be answered.
- Huh?

930
01:07:43,375 --> 01:07:46,409
For example, when the
ancient gods came down

931
01:07:46,411 --> 01:07:47,943
in their flying chariots

932
01:07:47,945 --> 01:07:50,315
and seeded mankind
with their DNA,

933
01:07:51,215 --> 01:07:53,215
the aliens never left.

934
01:07:53,217 --> 01:07:54,217
They're still here.

935
01:07:54,219 --> 01:07:57,253
Touchy-feely Chuck, Bob,
and Steve tried to help,

936
01:07:57,255 --> 01:07:59,322
but accidentally
caused the disco era

937
01:07:59,324 --> 01:08:01,057
and the porn industry.

938
01:08:01,059 --> 01:08:02,492
Then there are
the lizard people.

939
01:08:02,494 --> 01:08:04,193
Total assholes!

940
01:08:04,195 --> 01:08:07,264
Homeland Security was founded
to keep them in check.

941
01:08:07,266 --> 01:08:08,597
They created the internet

942
01:08:08,599 --> 01:08:11,367
to distract the people from
what's really going on.

943
01:08:11,369 --> 01:08:12,668
And that is the secret wisdom

944
01:08:12,670 --> 01:08:15,906
that only a few chosen
have ever been given.

945
01:08:15,908 --> 01:08:19,509
The knowledge will alter the
very fabric of the universe

946
01:08:19,511 --> 01:08:22,415
and free your mind
of enslavement.

947
01:08:24,349 --> 01:08:27,119
Yeah, I'm gonna go now.

948
01:08:29,387 --> 01:08:31,220
What a weirdo.

949
01:08:31,222 --> 01:08:32,257
What, really?

950
01:08:34,493 --> 01:08:37,430
Looks like I picked the wrong
day to stop sniffing glue.

951
01:08:50,641 --> 01:08:53,442
Oh my
god, what is wrong with me?

952
01:08:53,444 --> 01:08:55,544
Why am I such a perv?

953
01:08:55,546 --> 01:08:58,348
That guy had super
important junk to say.

954
01:08:58,350 --> 01:08:59,683
Do I need help?

955
01:09:26,511 --> 01:09:28,648
O.M.G.

956
01:09:29,613 --> 01:09:32,382
- Barbi?
- Jessica?

957
01:09:32,384 --> 01:09:34,183
What are you doing here?

958
01:09:34,185 --> 01:09:36,221
I didn't know you
hiked these trails.

959
01:09:39,457 --> 01:09:40,992
Are you totally copying me?

960
01:09:41,993 --> 01:09:43,528
Wait a minute, what trails?

961
01:09:44,662 --> 01:09:47,399
The trail that's
like 10 feet that way.

962
01:09:53,471 --> 01:09:54,306
What?

963
01:09:56,408 --> 01:09:58,040
I come here every day.

964
01:09:58,042 --> 01:10:00,545
How do you think I get
those inspirational selfies?

965
01:10:01,512 --> 01:10:02,711
You get those here?

966
01:10:02,713 --> 01:10:05,147
Yeah.

967
01:10:05,149 --> 01:10:05,984
Bag of dicks.

968
01:10:11,323 --> 01:10:12,258
Wow.

969
01:10:14,259 --> 01:10:15,394
You're wearing that?

970
01:10:17,429 --> 01:10:18,596
Brave choice.

971
01:10:21,332 --> 01:10:23,366
So, where have you been?

972
01:10:23,368 --> 01:10:25,501
You haven't like uploaded
in like two days.

973
01:10:25,503 --> 01:10:26,972
People think you're dead.

974
01:10:27,706 --> 01:10:29,406
Yeah.

975
01:10:29,408 --> 01:10:32,142
There's like Where's Barbi
memes all over the web.

976
01:10:32,144 --> 01:10:33,045
Really?

977
01:10:34,311 --> 01:10:35,280
I was here.

978
01:10:36,414 --> 01:10:37,246
Here?

979
01:10:37,248 --> 01:10:39,214
Like here?

980
01:10:39,216 --> 01:10:40,416
For two days?

981
01:10:40,418 --> 01:10:42,585
Yeah, I was totally lost.

982
01:10:42,587 --> 01:10:44,420
No way!

983
01:10:44,422 --> 01:10:46,356
Shut up, shut up!

984
01:10:47,826 --> 01:10:49,729
You were here,
lost for two days?

985
01:10:51,395 --> 01:10:52,630
What about the internets?

986
01:10:54,565 --> 01:10:56,566
Well, I had no signal,

987
01:10:56,568 --> 01:10:58,537
and then naturally,
my cellphone died.

988
01:11:02,274 --> 01:11:03,609
You poor thing.

989
01:11:05,143 --> 01:11:06,476
But thanks.

990
01:11:06,478 --> 01:11:07,509
Now that you're gone,

991
01:11:07,511 --> 01:11:08,710
everyone has dropped your feed,

992
01:11:08,712 --> 01:11:12,182
and I'm the number
one new selfie queen.

993
01:11:12,184 --> 01:11:13,319
You snooze you lose.

994
01:11:15,087 --> 01:11:16,585
Bitch!

995
01:11:16,587 --> 01:11:19,455
I totally knew that you
were stealing my followers

996
01:11:19,457 --> 01:11:21,092
and paying for subscribers.

997
01:11:21,792 --> 01:11:22,627
Whatever.

998
01:11:24,296 --> 01:11:26,798
I just have so many companies
wanting to do collabs with me.

999
01:11:28,466 --> 01:11:31,201
I'm making so much money.

1000
01:11:31,203 --> 01:11:34,240
Good luck
making a comeback.

1001
01:11:35,340 --> 01:11:36,606
At least my
followers were real.

1002
01:11:36,608 --> 01:11:39,811
Aw, you're just a sore loser.

1003
01:11:41,613 --> 01:11:42,648
And by the way,

1004
01:11:44,381 --> 01:11:46,652
you look like you haven't
been doing your squats.

1005
01:11:47,786 --> 01:11:49,320
Your ass is looking flat.

1006
01:11:57,362 --> 01:11:58,831
Jesus, Barbi.

1007
01:12:00,231 --> 01:12:02,268
You get lost in the
woods for two days

1008
01:12:03,335 --> 01:12:05,703
and you just let everything go.

1009
01:12:06,604 --> 01:12:08,170
Ugh!

1010
01:12:10,341 --> 01:12:11,174
Burn!

1011
01:12:14,813 --> 01:12:15,713
It burns!

1012
01:12:17,649 --> 01:12:18,684
Burn.

1013
01:12:19,684 --> 01:12:20,552
Yeah, burn.

1014
01:12:21,552 --> 01:12:22,587
Tss!

1015
01:12:23,689 --> 01:12:25,722
Too bad you didn't have
that burn to keep you warm

1016
01:12:25,724 --> 01:12:27,760
when you slept here for
the past two nights.

1017
01:12:28,659 --> 01:12:31,593
Throwing some bad shade, girl.

1018
01:12:31,595 --> 01:12:33,164
Here's more.

1019
01:12:35,233 --> 01:12:36,769
Are you wearing
your waist trainer?

1020
01:12:39,738 --> 01:12:41,207
Mm, no.

1021
01:12:42,173 --> 01:12:43,341
You should be.

1022
01:12:44,408 --> 01:12:46,675
You're looking a little soft.

1023
01:12:46,677 --> 01:12:48,678
Have you been
skipping ab day too?

1024
01:12:48,680 --> 01:12:50,580
- I was...
- Oh well.

1025
01:12:50,582 --> 01:12:51,650
Good luck.

1026
01:12:52,817 --> 01:12:55,652
I still can't believe you got
lost out here for two days.

1027
01:12:55,654 --> 01:13:00,593
There are like trails
everywhere.

1028
01:13:01,659 --> 01:13:03,259
You're such a basic, Barbi.

1029
01:13:03,261 --> 01:13:05,727
Laters!

1030
01:13:05,729 --> 01:13:07,696
Oh my god, guys, guess what?

1031
01:13:07,698 --> 01:13:09,831
I totally just ran into
this homeless girl.

1032
01:13:09,833 --> 01:13:11,302
Look at her, right there.

1033
01:13:13,904 --> 01:13:16,539
She tried to mug me!

1034
01:13:16,541 --> 01:13:17,842
Like what the eff?

1035
01:13:18,710 --> 01:13:20,509
Hash tag real life.

1036
01:13:20,511 --> 01:13:21,744
I'm not kidding, people.

1037
01:13:21,746 --> 01:13:25,447
Like this happened,
right here, right now.

1038
01:13:29,820 --> 01:13:31,157
What the heck?

1039
01:13:32,623 --> 01:13:35,491
I don't even have like a,
a knife on me or anything,

1040
01:13:35,493 --> 01:13:36,625
I don't.

1041
01:13:36,627 --> 01:13:38,794
Oh my god, she's
looking frantic.

1042
01:13:38,796 --> 01:13:40,495
I mean, look at her,
she's in a pink jacket.

1043
01:13:40,497 --> 01:13:42,264
Like, I don't even know
what she's doing out here.

1044
01:13:42,266 --> 01:13:44,400
- Bag of dicks!
- She tried to steal from me.

1045
01:13:44,402 --> 01:13:45,701
Like, what?

1046
01:13:45,703 --> 01:13:46,803
Wait.

1047
01:13:46,805 --> 01:13:47,836
Where's that trail?

1048
01:13:47,838 --> 01:13:49,272
It was right there.

1049
01:13:49,274 --> 01:13:50,505
She pointed to it
and everything.

1050
01:13:50,507 --> 01:13:51,641
Where did it go?

1051
01:13:51,643 --> 01:13:52,709
I'm gonna die
out here, I swear.

1052
01:13:52,711 --> 01:13:54,910
I'm totally gonna die out here.

1053
01:13:54,912 --> 01:13:56,748
How is this possible?

1054
01:13:57,948 --> 01:13:59,382
What?

1055
01:13:59,384 --> 01:14:01,651
Well, that's it,

1056
01:14:01,653 --> 01:14:03,652
I'm officially a has-been.

1057
01:14:03,654 --> 01:14:04,687
Dead to the world.

1058
01:14:04,689 --> 01:14:05,854
She's won.

1059
01:14:05,856 --> 01:14:07,589
I'm done, it's over.

1060
01:14:07,591 --> 01:14:10,695
Jessica has finally got what
she wanted and replaced me.

1061
01:14:11,863 --> 01:14:13,696
I might as well go
back to the cave

1062
01:14:13,698 --> 01:14:17,567
and party with Red Riding
Hood and hair tutorial girl.

1063
01:14:17,569 --> 01:14:18,867
I'll marry butter knife guy

1064
01:14:18,869 --> 01:14:22,405
and we'll have little
cave-dwelling monks together.

1065
01:14:22,407 --> 01:14:25,775
Maybe we'll get a reality show!

1066
01:14:25,777 --> 01:14:26,845
The Brennans!

1067
01:14:29,480 --> 01:14:31,848
Hey, is that Kenny?

1068
01:14:31,850 --> 01:14:33,683
He's still alive?

1069
01:14:33,685 --> 01:14:36,422
Does that mean I'm
not a black widow?

1070
01:14:38,622 --> 01:14:40,458
Oh hey, you again.

1071
01:14:41,493 --> 01:14:42,991
Are you okay?

1072
01:14:42,993 --> 01:14:43,826
It's dangerous.

1073
01:14:43,828 --> 01:14:45,861
You need to leave, now!

1074
01:14:45,863 --> 01:14:46,896
Obviously.

1075
01:14:46,898 --> 01:14:48,897
What the hell is going on?

1076
01:14:48,899 --> 01:14:51,769
Every time I see you
it's some new shit.

1077
01:14:52,936 --> 01:14:54,771
That looks disgusting.

1078
01:14:54,773 --> 01:14:56,571
What happened to your leg!

1079
01:14:56,573 --> 01:14:57,973
It's classified.

1080
01:14:57,975 --> 01:15:00,878
I could tell you, but
I'd have to kill you.

1081
01:15:01,945 --> 01:15:04,550
Which at this point
might not be a bad idea.

1082
01:15:05,684 --> 01:15:07,853
Ugh, doesn't matter,
I'm already dead.

1083
01:15:12,756 --> 01:15:13,390
Fine.

1084
01:15:16,728 --> 01:15:18,396
I work for a government agency

1085
01:15:19,564 --> 01:15:21,664
that deals with
extraterrestrial allies.

1086
01:15:21,666 --> 01:15:24,767
Oh, you mean those three
little gray guys in the forest?

1087
01:15:24,769 --> 01:15:26,905
I thought I was
totally tripping balls.

1088
01:15:27,805 --> 01:15:29,607
You met Chuck, Bob, and Steve?

1089
01:15:30,608 --> 01:15:31,877
I think so, maybe.

1090
01:15:33,811 --> 01:15:35,314
Does it hurt when you sit?

1091
01:15:38,382 --> 01:15:39,749
A little.

1092
01:15:39,751 --> 01:15:41,451
Yeah.

1093
01:15:41,453 --> 01:15:43,820
I think back on their planet
that means you're married.

1094
01:15:43,822 --> 01:15:44,821
Oh, ew!

1095
01:15:44,823 --> 01:15:45,858
No way!

1096
01:15:46,890 --> 01:15:47,924
Ugh!

1097
01:15:47,926 --> 01:15:48,892
Wait, hold on a second,

1098
01:15:48,894 --> 01:15:50,996
if they're friendly, why
are you fighting them?

1099
01:15:51,930 --> 01:15:54,066
No, I'm not fighting them.

1100
01:15:55,367 --> 01:15:56,632
Chuck, Bob, and
Steve are great guys.

1101
01:15:56,634 --> 01:15:59,471
A little touchy-feely,
but still great guys.

1102
01:16:00,805 --> 01:16:02,138
I'm fighting the other guys.

1103
01:16:02,140 --> 01:16:03,638
What other guys?

1104
01:16:03,640 --> 01:16:05,974
The eat your face
off acid for blood

1105
01:16:05,976 --> 01:16:08,510
world domination ones.

1106
01:16:08,512 --> 01:16:11,147
Look, there's a lot
of shit going on here,

1107
01:16:11,149 --> 01:16:13,549
but I don't have time to
tell you all that right now.

1108
01:16:13,551 --> 01:16:14,453
Uh, yeah.

1109
01:17:41,872 --> 01:17:43,205
Wait!

1110
01:17:43,207 --> 01:17:45,674
What am I doing?

1111
01:17:45,676 --> 01:17:47,843
I can't just leave him again!

1112
01:17:47,845 --> 01:17:49,845
He's saved my ass like
three times already!

1113
01:17:49,847 --> 01:17:52,514
This might be the
perfect opportunity

1114
01:17:52,516 --> 01:17:55,250
for me to actually
do something good!

1115
01:17:55,252 --> 01:17:57,986
It's not like I have
anything else to live for.

1116
01:17:57,988 --> 01:18:01,523
I have to change my goals
from taking the best selfies

1117
01:18:01,525 --> 01:18:05,061
to making the world
a better place!

1118
01:18:05,063 --> 01:18:06,295
From this day forth,

1119
01:18:06,297 --> 01:18:10,165
I'll never again take a box of
doughnuts to Weight Watchers!

1120
01:18:10,167 --> 01:18:14,603
I'll never watch another house
full of kittens burn down!

1121
01:18:14,605 --> 01:18:18,540
I will never again sell
Ziploc bags full of corn syrup

1122
01:18:18,542 --> 01:18:21,544
as breast implants to cancer
survivors on the Dark Web.

1123
01:18:21,546 --> 01:18:25,080
I will never again donate
my parents' used sex toys

1124
01:18:25,082 --> 01:18:26,049
to children's charity.

1125
01:18:26,051 --> 01:18:29,919
I will never again sell
orphans into slavery!

1126
01:18:29,921 --> 01:18:34,690
I will never again set the
homeless on fire just for lulz!

1127
01:18:34,692 --> 01:18:37,159
I will not sit by and
watch another old lady

1128
01:18:37,161 --> 01:18:39,896
get dragged off by coyotes.

1129
01:18:39,898 --> 01:18:40,763
Never again!

1130
01:18:40,765 --> 01:18:44,733
And I will never,
ever eat anything

1131
01:18:44,735 --> 01:18:47,738
that doesn't say gluten-free!

1132
01:18:49,106 --> 01:18:51,042
If only I had my eyes open.

1133
01:18:52,877 --> 01:18:55,311
Not always staring at my phone!

1134
01:18:55,313 --> 01:18:57,048
Paid more attention!

1135
01:18:59,050 --> 01:19:00,519
What am I missing?

1136
01:20:16,027 --> 01:20:17,927
There is so much
more to this world

1137
01:20:17,929 --> 01:20:20,196
than what I see on
that tiny screen.

1138
01:20:20,198 --> 01:20:24,333
I'm gonna make amends for
all the things I did wrong.

1139
01:20:24,335 --> 01:20:29,271
Somehow, I will take
responsibility for my actions.

1140
01:20:29,273 --> 01:20:33,275
I will make the
world a better place.

1141
01:20:33,277 --> 01:20:35,745
It's time for me

1142
01:20:35,747 --> 01:20:40,185
to finally grab that bag
of dicks by the balls.

1143
01:20:42,386 --> 01:20:46,257
And I start now!

1144
01:22:39,970 --> 01:22:41,004
Are you okay?

1145
01:22:41,006 --> 01:22:43,472
My leg's pointed in
three different directions.

1146
01:22:43,474 --> 01:22:46,875
I wish that beam put me together
a little bit straighter.

1147
01:22:48,445 --> 01:22:49,277
Ow!

1148
01:22:49,279 --> 01:22:51,280
Oh, easy kid.

1149
01:22:51,282 --> 01:22:52,848
Where'd you learn
to shoot like that?

1150
01:22:52,850 --> 01:22:54,383
I'm from Texas.

1151
01:22:54,385 --> 01:22:55,851
My dad was a Marine,

1152
01:22:55,853 --> 01:22:58,155
and my granny has a
bigger gun than yours.

1153
01:23:01,125 --> 01:23:02,060
This is gonna hurt.

1154
01:23:02,960 --> 01:23:04,261
Are you sure you
know what you're doing?

1155
01:23:05,195 --> 01:23:06,030
Um, nah.

1156
01:23:11,301 --> 01:23:12,336
Thanks.

1157
01:23:13,371 --> 01:23:14,206
Looks ratchet.

1158
01:23:19,810 --> 01:23:21,242
What the hell are you doing?

1159
01:23:21,244 --> 01:23:22,480
Taking off a waist trainer.

1160
01:23:23,914 --> 01:23:24,546
What the hell are
you gonna do with that?

1161
01:23:24,548 --> 01:23:26,048
Won't fit my waist.

1162
01:23:29,020 --> 01:23:30,518
It's steel-boned.

1163
01:23:30,520 --> 01:23:32,323
Oh you've gotta be kidding me.

1164
01:23:35,193 --> 01:23:36,261
I am not kidding you.

1165
01:23:38,061 --> 01:23:39,331
Pink is not my color.

1166
01:23:40,297 --> 01:23:41,899
It's gonna have
to work for now.

1167
01:23:43,100 --> 01:23:45,067
There was a girl in
a suit in the forest

1168
01:23:45,069 --> 01:23:46,235
stuck under a rock.

1169
01:23:46,237 --> 01:23:48,236
Do you know what
happened to her?

1170
01:23:48,238 --> 01:23:50,839
Um, yeah, it's kinda messy.

1171
01:23:50,841 --> 01:23:54,343
Um, rogue double agent,
Homeland Security,

1172
01:23:54,345 --> 01:23:56,081
stole something very valuable.

1173
01:23:57,247 --> 01:23:59,283
You haven't seen a briefcase
around here, have you?

1174
01:24:08,024 --> 01:24:09,558
You mean this?

1175
01:24:09,560 --> 01:24:14,330
Um, yeah, that's, uh,

1176
01:24:14,332 --> 01:24:15,801
that's definitely it.

1177
01:24:19,036 --> 01:24:19,968
Thanks.

1178
01:24:19,970 --> 01:24:22,406
Um, this looks pretty good.

1179
01:24:23,940 --> 01:24:24,973
Can you move?

1180
01:24:24,975 --> 01:24:26,407
Yeah, I can move.

1181
01:24:26,409 --> 01:24:28,212
I can't dance, but I can move.

1182
01:24:33,951 --> 01:24:37,052
You know, you're
pretty good at this.

1183
01:24:37,054 --> 01:24:39,356
You ever considered a
career in government work?

1184
01:24:40,358 --> 01:24:41,589
Could use someone
with your skills,

1185
01:24:41,591 --> 01:24:43,959
but you'd have to leave
your old life behind.

1186
01:24:43,961 --> 01:24:47,129
Well, I've been
offline for two days,

1187
01:24:47,131 --> 01:24:49,330
so everybody already
thinks I'm dead.

1188
01:24:49,332 --> 01:24:53,103
We can give you
a cool code name like, uh,

1189
01:24:54,137 --> 01:24:54,972
Ronan.

1190
01:24:56,239 --> 01:24:58,607
Oh, samurai with no master.

1191
01:24:58,609 --> 01:24:59,444
I like it.

1192
01:25:00,543 --> 01:25:02,010
Oh that's actually
just the name

1193
01:25:02,012 --> 01:25:03,012
of my favorite sushi
joint down in Soho,

1194
01:25:03,014 --> 01:25:05,013
but I like what you said too.

1195
01:25:05,015 --> 01:25:07,282
Hey, Chuck, Bob, and Steve,

1196
01:25:07,284 --> 01:25:10,119
why aren't they helping
you fight the bad guys?

1197
01:25:10,121 --> 01:25:12,454
No, those guys
are lovers, not fighters,

1198
01:25:12,456 --> 01:25:14,423
but they make great tech.

1199
01:25:14,425 --> 01:25:15,327
Here, hold this.

1200
01:25:22,166 --> 01:25:25,200
Yeah, need immediate extraction.

1201
01:25:25,202 --> 01:25:27,102
You talk to your MP3 player?

1202
01:25:39,149 --> 01:25:42,152
You know, you're,
you're kinda cute.

1203
01:25:43,520 --> 01:25:44,956
Welcome to your new life.

1204
01:25:46,690 --> 01:25:47,524
Take us up.

1205
01:26:28,298 --> 01:26:30,034
Hey, hey,
there's my car!

1206
01:26:32,235 --> 01:26:33,701
No no no, you guys can
just drop me off here.

1207
01:26:38,208 --> 01:26:40,041
Thanks!

1208
01:26:40,043 --> 01:26:43,144
Wow,
not bad for a long weekend.

1209
01:26:43,146 --> 01:26:45,680
Three husbands, and
Kenny's kinda cute.

1210
01:26:45,682 --> 01:26:48,717
I'm sure Chuck, Bob, and Steve
are gonna be totally chill

1211
01:26:48,719 --> 01:26:50,518
with me seeing other people.

1212
01:26:50,520 --> 01:26:52,487
If it's outside
the solar system,

1213
01:26:52,489 --> 01:26:55,223
it probably doesn't
count, right?

1214
01:26:55,225 --> 01:26:57,425
So much for being a spinster.

1215
01:26:57,427 --> 01:27:00,465
I can't wait to go home
and take a nice shower.

1216
01:27:01,465 --> 01:27:02,363
Oh, wait.

1217
01:27:02,365 --> 01:27:04,532
I need my keys, duh.

1218
01:27:04,534 --> 01:27:06,101
Where did I put those?

1219
01:27:06,103 --> 01:27:08,169
Gotta be in here somewhere.

1220
01:27:08,171 --> 01:27:09,440
I left them right here.

1221
01:27:11,574 --> 01:27:12,543
I left them right here.

1222
01:27:14,412 --> 01:27:15,544
Oh no.

1223
01:27:15,546 --> 01:27:17,382
Where did I leave them last?

1224
01:27:23,554 --> 01:27:27,188
Hey, can I, can I
put my keys on you?

1225
01:27:27,190 --> 01:27:28,589
Yeah, sure.

1226
01:27:36,634 --> 01:27:40,535
OMG, that's right.

1227
01:27:40,537 --> 01:27:41,505
Bag of dick!

1228
01:27:46,377 --> 01:27:48,544
You're
right, after all that.

1229
01:27:48,546 --> 01:27:50,611
I had a spaceship,

1230
01:27:50,613 --> 01:27:52,815
and now I have to take the bus.

1231
01:27:52,817 --> 01:27:54,616
Worst

1232
01:27:54,618 --> 01:27:55,420
weekend

1233
01:27:56,487 --> 01:27:57,322
ever.

1234
01:29:11,427 --> 01:29:12,262
Whoa!

1235
01:29:13,697 --> 01:29:16,665
As if I haven't had
enough, I lose my keys too.

1236
01:29:16,667 --> 01:29:19,168
What kind of freaking
world is this?

1237
01:29:19,170 --> 01:29:22,340
Haven't I had enough
of this world?

1238
01:29:24,440 --> 01:29:25,507
This is terrible.

1239
01:29:25,509 --> 01:29:26,743
What am I gonna do now?

1240
01:29:35,586 --> 01:29:36,652
Oh my god, grandma.

1241
01:29:36,654 --> 01:29:37,718
What are you doing here?

1242
01:29:37,720 --> 01:29:39,588
Get in the car.

1243
01:29:39,590 --> 01:29:40,589
Oh my god!

1244
01:29:40,591 --> 01:29:42,590
Thank you so much!

1245
01:29:42,592 --> 01:29:44,593
You have no idea what
I've just been through

1246
01:29:44,595 --> 01:29:46,394
for the last two days!

1247
01:29:46,396 --> 01:29:48,397
Well not
anymore, you're okay now.

1248
01:29:48,399 --> 01:29:50,432
Yes, thank you!

1249
01:29:50,434 --> 01:29:51,269
Yay!

1250
01:29:51,514 --> 01:29:56,514
Subtitles by explosiveskull