I've managed to be a complete sociopath, put up a really hard to do cheerful, happy and 'always there for you' personality that would help everyone and make them be full of joy, in which return I don't get anything but a deeper shove into depression and desperate thinking. I put up this whole attitude, and yet people expect me to be even happier at some times. " Come on, you can be more happier than this. " If I ever zone out of a dumb conversation or something people are talking about just nonchalantly, they'll call out me zoning out and not contributing to it, and then mock me for being 'depressed', and what they see is only the surface of my horrible tension and anxiety. I stopped to just think to myself about some things, that's why I'm taking so long to write this message. I've been countering all these problems in my family as well, of my father putting high standards of me, because previously, my two sisters weren't able to successfully complete high school and college. He had put so much tension on me, and raised the bars to sky limits, thinking I'll have a really big pay of two thousand euros, with a good wife, good company, nice friends, and continue living in the same village I am living, just to continue the general culture. I disagreed with this and I told him several times I want to pursue a different lifestyle and do something else with my life, and he just wouldn't listen and he would get really angry with me. He'd proceed to give me these lectures of how he build this entire empire, house, tractors, did all his fields, made all his money by physical work to make up for him not doing school properly. He yells at my mother, calls her terrible names, whore or such, yet he tries to tell me these tales about principles and how I need to have manners. I've built my moral standards and I know how I'll treat people and how I'll help them in the future, but him expecting this massive amount of character development and just the fact that my sisters do not like me at all, and my mother hides all her pain in the depths of her soul, just pains me.