Anonpencil Writes Drunk: What The Buzz Is About (oneshit)

"Twilight, what the fuck are you doing?"
>You've been reading the paper calmly for a while now, and just over the tip of the page, you can see her bustling about, busy with something. In your experience, when Twilight is busy, something bad is generally about to happen to you. She has her back to you, but you're sure it's only a matter of time before something terrible occurs. She's arranging something out of a black bag in front of her, and you can't quite see it, and you're honestly not sure you want to.
>Now, at the sound of your voice, she perks up and glances over her shoulder. And smiles.
>Yeah, definitely a bad sign. The brace for impact.
"Well," she says slowly. "I'm just... readying a little experiment."
"Oh?"
"Don't worry, I just need you to answer questions," she says lightly. "I can handle the rest from there."
>You narrow your eyes at her. She's been asking quite a lot of questions recently, and demanding you give answers. It hasn't turned out for you badly yet, but perhaps it's all just been building towards something. And by that gleam in her eye, that coy smile, she definitely knows something you don't.
"So," you say cautiously, "Are these questions going to determine what city you bomb, or what poison you use in our water supply or-"
"No, nothing like that." She gives an exasperated sigh. "They're personal preference questions. I'm trying to figure out a little gift for you. You know, show you how much I appreciate all you mean to me."
>Oh, well that doesn't sound so bad. Sure, there was that one time she tired to give you Spike as a sex slave, and he didn't even seem that opposed to the idea. Maybe now she's at least learned her lesson. And besides, Spike gives terrible blowjobs, so you're sure he isn't up for any more of that either.
"Well," you say, "Alright, go for it."
>She brightens, straightens up a little, and clears her throat.
"Alright, do you like rabbits?"
"Yeah, I guess sorta. They're good with a green peppercorn sauce."
"No, I mean to like... cuddle and pet and stuff."
"Oh, well then sure, I guess."
"More than bees?"
>This gives you pause. If she's going to put bees in your bed again because you're "so sweet" you're moving the fuck out of here tomorrow.
"Yes," you say haltingly. "More than bees."
"What about dolphins?"
"Never cuddled one."
"Pickles?"
"Who the fuck cuddles a pickle?"
"Frogs?"
"Doesn't that give you warts?"
"Caterpillars?"
>You put down your paper and stand up, glaring. None of this makes any sense, and you're not enjoying this line of questioning. If she's trying to give you a pet, why ask about pickles? And it's not food, because she nixed the peppercorn sauce for the rabbit, so what...
>From your new vantage point, you can see over Twilight's shoulder to the array of objects in front of her. In the distance, there's a soft hum, like the sound of a distant, droning insect. They are long, brightly colored, and in all sorts of whimsical shapes, and they appear to be trembling on the ground. there's one that ends in the head of a dolphin, one that has wings on either side like a bee, and one that appears to have rabbit ears at the end, and one...
>Your attention snaps back to Twilight, who is smiling up at you sheepishly. Your scowl deepens.
"GOD DAMN IT TWILIGHT YOU ARE NOT PUTTING ANYTHING UP MY ASS."
>She frowns.
"But why nooooot...." she whines.
>You're not going to even dignify that with a response. You back away from her and her vibrating minions, afraid to leave your ass unattended, and carefully step your way up the stairs. She follows you with her eyes, lower lip out in a pout. As you reach the door, she calls up after you.
"Come on! You seemed to like the dolphin last time you were sleeping! You were smiling so much, I even thought I might try putting a second one..."
>You slam the door before you even hear the end of that sentence. You'll be sleeping with your bedroom door triple locked for the foreseeable future, for fear you'll end up the butt of another one of Twilight's jokes.

-END-