Zoolander 2 (2016)

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Sting!

2
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Sting, open up! It's Bieber!

3
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Sting! Come on! Sting!

4
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It's Bieber, bro!
Open the door!

5
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,432
Oh, fudge!

6
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You can't kill us all.

7
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We will protect the Chosen One.

8
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Uh-huh.

9
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Peace out, world.

10
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:42,760
Peace out.

11
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Valentina, he was pronounced
dead 13 minutes ago.

12
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I can't believe it.

13
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Justin Bieber?

14
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No.

15
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The sixth pop star to die in the last year.

16
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And all with that look.

17
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As if they were
trying to tell us something.

18
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That look.

19
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There's only one person on Earth

20
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who would know
how to interpret this look.

21
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It's a dead end, Valentina.

22
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No one has seen that man in years.

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Then God help us all.

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Shocking. Stupefying.

25
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Something out of a Hollywood
disaster movie.

26
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Just a few of the ways
New Yorkers described

27
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:04,399
what happened today
as Derek Zoolander's

28
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<i>Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good</i>

29
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<i>and Who Wanna Learn to Do
Other Stuff Good, Too</i>

30
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<i>literally collapsed into the East River</i>

31
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<i>only two days after its official opening.</i>

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Students and teachers were evacuated.

33
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<i>And while Zoolander and his son,
Derek Jr., were unharmed,</i>

34
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<i>sadly, his wife,
Matilda Jeffries-Zoolander,</i>

35
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<i>has reportedly died.</i>

36
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I just feel lucky no one
from my family was hurt!

37
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She was crushed by the book?

38
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<i>A vigil is being held tonight</i>

39
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for the other chisel-cheeked
lion of the modeling kingdom,

40
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Hansel, who is reported
to have sustained

41
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permanent injury to his breathtaking face

42
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<i>after being trapped
beneath a burning beam.</i>

43
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<i>Although
authorities are still investigating,</i>

44
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the cause of the disaster
is believed to be

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Zoolander's mind-boggling decision

46
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<i>to build the reading center</i>

47
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out of the actual materials
that were used to construct

48
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<i>the original architectural model.</i>

49
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<i>Clothing designer
Jacob Moogberg,</i>

50
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:09,991
AKA Jacobim Mugatu

51
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was sentenced today
to two consecutive life terms

52
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in a maximum security fashion prison

53
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for his role in
the attempted assassination

54
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<i>of the Malaysian Prime Minister.</i>

55
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<i>His co-conspirator, modeling agent</i>

56
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Maury Ballstein, turned state's witness...

57
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I'll give you anything
you want on that <i>fakakta</i> fink.

58
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...in exchange for relocation in the
Witness Protection Program.

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00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:34,589
Back in the news tonight,
former model, negligent builder,

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now unfit parent, Derek Zoolander.

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This footage was taken by a neighbor

62
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across from Zoolander's SoHo loft.

63
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D.J., how did Mommy make it soft?

64
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<i>The Child Protection Agency</i>

65
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<i>removed Zoolander's son, Derek Jr.</i>

66
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late last night in a daring midnight raid

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00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:54,795
placing him in the custody of the state.

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Which is why it pains me to say

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00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:00,752
that effective immediately,
I will retire from modeling

70
00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:04,750
and live alone as a hermit crab.

71
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I will now be anonymous
and known only as...

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Eric...

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Toolander.

74
00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:15,554
<i>And finally tonight,</i>

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here's something to make you feel old.

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Incredible as it may sound,

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of the over 3.7 million
high school graduates this year

78
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less than 2% could tell you
what a fax machine is,

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name a Caucasian President,

80
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or know who Derek Zoolander was.

81
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<i>Was... Was... Was...</i>

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Go away.

83
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Derek! Open up, it's me.

84
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I'm sorry, traveler,
you must have lost your way.

85
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No one lives here by that name.

86
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Right. Sorry. I mean, Eric.

87
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I've got your mail.

88
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Billy Zane. It's been years.

89
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Where's my regular mailperson, Ingvar?

90
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He couldn't make it.

91
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I was in the neighborhood,
I thought I'd stop by.

92
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Got your Netflix.

93
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Whoa, <i>Jack Ryan...</i>

94
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...and <i>Jack Reacher.</i>

95
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Tonight's gonna be a total Jack-off.

96
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You have something else here.

97
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What is it?

98
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Open it.

99
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Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder.

100
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Are you a Boxtroll?

101
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That's Alexanya Atoz,

102
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owner of the largest fashion
empire in the world.

103
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Because you are one of the
world's true fishion icons,

104
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I have personal selected you
to come to Rome...

105
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The Eturnanal Cyootee...

106
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To muddel my nyouest colleeauction

107
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:51,592
by my hoottest now designer...

108
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Doon Atari.

109
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Who?

110
00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:58,032
Don Atari.

111
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He's "it" in fashion right now.

112
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People would die to be in his show.

113
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I can't.

114
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I'm a hermit crab now.

115
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:07,473
Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder.

116
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I already told you!

117
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It's like you're not even listening to me!

118
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Derek, uh...

119
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Eric.

120
00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:25,229
Maybe it's time to engage
with the world again.

121
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Think about it, man.
This could be a sign.

122
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,874
And what if it's a stop sign, Billy?

123
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:35,393
I used to be a successful
model/fashion icon.

124
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Now, I'm just a model/failure.

125
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Slash-guy who is still a model/father.

126
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Slash-guy who killed his wife

127
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using cheap building materials
that collapsed on her.

128
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Slash-guy who has got
to stop beating himself up about that!

129
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Slash-guy who couldn't
make spaghetti soft

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so they took away his son,

131
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so-slash-now he's alone
and hiding from the world.

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Slash.

133
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:07,914
Slash-have you ever even tried
to get your son back?

134
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:12,679
You can do that?

135
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,830
Yeah. You'd hire a litigator,

136
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he files the appropriate paperwork...

137
00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,510
But I don't even know where he is.

138
00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:20,433
First things first.

139
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,950
If you take this job
that Alexanya's offering you,

140
00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:26,672
you could prove to Child Services

141
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:29,513
that you're a productive
member of society again.

142
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Go to Rome.

143
00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:35,479
Find yourself.

144
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:39,033
Become the father you were meant to be

145
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,075
and get your boy back.

146
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,118
Safe journey, my friend!

147
00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,473
Thanks, Billy!

148
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,479
What have you got?

149
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Ball and chain not happy.

150
00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,073
Sorry I'm late!

151
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:14,309
Oh, my gosh.

152
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,632
I was finishing up Shavasana

153
00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:19,553
and this sandstorm
kicked up out of nowhere.

154
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,353
I'm okay, though.

155
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:23,716
Ah, Natalka, you look beautiful.

156
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Really?

157
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:27,719
Yes, really.

158
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,312
Dinner is ruined!

159
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:34,915
Guys, I told you
not to wait for me, didn't I?

160
00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:36,598
Remember, we talked about this.

161
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:38,952
Can't we just take it slow?

162
00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:40,434
When I met you guys two years ago,

163
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it was the best orgy of my life.

164
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Let's get back to that feeling.

165
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It's there.

166
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Hansel.

167
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Every relationship has to evolve.

168
00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:58,312
And somehow, you've managed
to stay the same.

169
00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,834
But you're gonna
have to change, my man.

170
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:03,751
'Cause change, she is a-comin'.

171
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:05,595
What?

172
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:14,793
Natalka.

173
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:22,153
All of you?

174
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,791
How is this even possible?

175
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:31,792
We thought you'd be happy.

176
00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:34,470
Well, I am happy.

177
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:35,919
That, uh...

178
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:39,470
It's just a lot to process,
and that's what I'm doing.

179
00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:41,189
To be honest,

180
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,748
I've never seen myself
in this role, you know, as a...

181
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,433
You mean a father?

182
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:48,308
Well... Uh... I...

183
00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:50,880
Let me... I want to check on...

184
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,592
On the camel here!

185
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:03,518
Who am I?

186
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,272
Who am I?

187
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:10,239
Hey, Hansel!

188
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:15,119
Billy Zane?

189
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:17,633
Got your Netflix.

190
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,279
And this.

191
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- Thanks very much.
- No, it's my bag.

192
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:45,320
Excuse me, I think that's...

193
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:47,590
No, trust me, this is my bag.

194
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:50,035
- Just look at the ticket right here.
- Hansel.

195
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:51,712
Never heard of him, honcho.

196
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:54,360
Look right here at the ticket
and you can see that...

197
00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:57,991
Derek Zoolander.

198
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:02,953
Hi. It's been a long time.

199
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:05,556
Yeah. Not long enough.

200
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,877
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I think I should peace.

201
00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:11,712
Wait a minute!

202
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:13,074
We haven't seen each other since...

203
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:14,349
Since the building you designed

204
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,192
fell on my face and ruined my career?

205
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:17,793
Yeah, it's been a while.

206
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,837
It was an accident. I didn't mean to...

207
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:23,071
You didn't mean to build
the support beams out of popsicle sticks

208
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,116
and highly-flammable rubber cement?

209
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:26,480
That was just a little accident?

210
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:27,560
Yeah.

211
00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:30,869
This is it. Forever.

212
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:32,468
Because I promise you,

213
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,836
this is the last time
we will ever see each other.

214
00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:37,478
Right here, this moment.

215
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:39,716
Good-bye forever.

216
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:41,752
Works for me.

217
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:55,840
Hope you're not an epiplectic,

218
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:57,478
because we're about to get blinded.

219
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,113
Yep. Here we go.

220
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,797
Susan Boyle, right here!

221
00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:06,838
Take a picture of that!

222
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,279
Vultures!

223
00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:13,115
I guess with my beard
and your disgusting face,

224
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,519
they don't know who we are.

225
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,272
Derek! Hansel!

226
00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:18,633
Hey, boys. I'm Vip.

227
00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:22,038
- Vip?
- Yeah.

228
00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:24,270
I'm in charge of social media
for Don Atari.

229
00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:26,078
I've been working for him since I was 10.

230
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:27,513
How old are you now?

231
00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:28,920
Eleven.

232
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,188
Should we go to the hotel?

233
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:47,230
Pretty strange, you and I
both getting called back

234
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:49,231
to the big stage like this.

235
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,637
A gig's a gig.
I'm just doing this to get my son back.

236
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:56,755
Explain how doing a fashion show's
gonna accomplish that.

237
00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:59,877
Simple. Child Services hears
I'm working again,

238
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,310
KKK, a responsible parent,

239
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,118
and they give me my son back.

240
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,031
Responsible parent?

241
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:07,874
What? You don't think I could be one?

242
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:10,793
No, it just brings up
some junk from the past.

243
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:11,915
I didn't have a father.

244
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,956
It's kind of my big issue right now.

245
00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:16,556
- You didn't have a father?
- Nah.

246
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:20,155
All my mom ever told me
was my dad was a beat cop.

247
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:22,829
Always on the road.

248
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,515
The road away from little Hansel.

249
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,351
Valentina. You're going to
want to see this.

250
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,314
Check out Mr. Disco Barry Gibb.

251
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:52,392
Zoolander is in Rome?

252
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,231
Welcome to the Palazzo D'Caca.

253
00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:07,072
The entire hotel is biodegradable

254
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:08,878
and made from reclaimed human waste.

255
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,520
This is the ultra-exclusive, fully-toxic,

256
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:13,919
Zero-Footprint Suite.

257
00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:16,431
The masseuses at the spa
are all homeless.

258
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:19,193
And the hotel
has complimentary farm-to-table Wi-Fi.

259
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,279
Wait... We're rooming together?

260
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:22,440
Mmm-hmm.

261
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,357
There must be some mistake.

262
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:25,589
I'll call Billy Zane.

263
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:26,715
Good idea.

264
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:30,910
Look, tiny phone! That is so retro.

265
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:32,760
I'm gonna take a picture of it
with my phone.

266
00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:35,440
<i>This is Billy Zane.
I'm not here right...</i>

267
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:38,074
Well, Don Atari
is waiting for you down in the lobby.

268
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,668
Oh, and don't drink the water
or you'll die.

269
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:46,119
I just have one question.

270
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:47,235
Yeah?

271
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:51,113
What in the world is farm-to-table Wi-Fi?

272
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:52,509
You're asking me?

273
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,875
<i>Muchacho,</i> I have no idea.

274
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,552
- For serious?
- No!

275
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:58,790
Because when Vip said that,
you had this look on your face, like,

276
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:00,640
"I totally know
what farm-to-table Wi-Fi is!"

277
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,035
I was acting cool
'cause I thought you knew.

278
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:04,473
I thought you knew!

279
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:07,916
No, I just didn't want Vip
to think I was uncool!

280
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:11,635
I miss not knowing things with you.

281
00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:13,711
Yeah. Me, too.

282
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,392
Why didn't we do this sooner?

283
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:16,960
Because we've both been in hiding

284
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,035
since the day I killed my wife

285
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:19,473
and permanently disfigured you.

286
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,591
Oh, yeah, that's probably it.

287
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,517
That was the day I lost the fire.

288
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:26,953
The fire?

289
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,351
The fire in my face.

290
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:33,039
It's kind of my big issue right now.

291
00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:36,032
You still got it, D-Zone.
You're Derek Zoolander.

292
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:39,192
You stopped a Chinese throwing star
in mid-air with a look.

293
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:43,594
<i>I was there.</i>

294
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:46,633
That's not me anymore.

295
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:47,994
Yes, it is.

296
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,753
Hey, flash me that beautiful look.

297
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:53,071
Give me that incredible Magnum.

298
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:54,160
No!

299
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:56,154
Think fast. Magnum.

300
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:57,389
Wait, no!

301
00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:58,629
Magnum! Now!

302
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:00,592
Oh!

303
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,797
Come on! You got this,
but you got to focus!

304
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:06,392
- Come on!
- Hansel, stop!

305
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:08,232
You got this! Yeah!

306
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:09,912
Maybe we could try a wash cloth?

307
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,672
- Tequila!
- Hansel, no!

308
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,349
No! It's not working!

309
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:17,718
Ah, you're right.

310
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:24,636
What happened to us?

311
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,630
You mean me.

312
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,279
You still have it.

313
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:32,679
No, I don't.

314
00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:35,228
Look at this face. It's a horror show.

315
00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:42,792
Come on, Hansel. It can't be that bad.

316
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:44,233
It is.

317
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:46,398
- Take off your mask.
- No.

318
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:47,635
No way.

319
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:50,234
No one's ever seen me
without this mask.

320
00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:51,720
And no one ever will.

321
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,071
I think I know the real you.

322
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:58,234
And it has nothing to do
with the way you look.

323
00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:00,513
You mean that?

324
00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:02,113
Of course, I do.

325
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:03,509
Okay.

326
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:08,993
No!

327
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:10,638
It's disgusting! Put it back!

328
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,676
I was wrong, please,
put the mask back on! It's so gross!

329
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:15,041
I can't be friends with you
if you look like that! Please!

330
00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:17,680
It is so disgusting!
Please, put it back!

331
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:19,432
Please, Hansel, put it back, I was wrong!

332
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,909
No. This feels good.

333
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:23,799
Could you please put the mask back on

334
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:25,438
so I can concentrate on
what you're saying?

335
00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,909
No! I'm done hiding.

336
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:31,477
Look, there's only one way
for us to find ourselves.

337
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:32,749
Know what that is?

338
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:35,800
Look inward and connect
with our authentic truth?

339
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:38,475
No. I was gonna say
become the two biggest,

340
00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:40,232
hottest models in the world again.

341
00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:41,435
Okay.

342
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:44,114
Okay. So what say
we get you cleaned up,

343
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:45,838
shave that billy goat beard,

344
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:49,708
go downstairs and show these punks
what real fashion looks like?

345
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:31,954
Oh, my God. Yes, dude!

346
00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:35,635
Yes! You guys look so lame.
I love it, dude.

347
00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:37,438
You ninjas dressed up
all old-school just to meet me.

348
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:38,560
So Jedi.

349
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:40,193
You guys suck. Both of you guys suck.

350
00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:41,713
You look great.

351
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:43,508
Thanks.

352
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:45,791
I'm Don Atari. What up?

353
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:47,994
What up, Hansel?

354
00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:50,116
Yeah. That's sick.

355
00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:52,636
Wait a minute. "I'll call Billy...".

356
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:54,393
I just said that!

357
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:56,956
I know. Like, 15 minutes ago, right?

358
00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:58,720
Vip told me, so I made these retro shirts

359
00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:00,512
with your old catchphrase on it.

360
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:02,509
Cool.

361
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:04,119
Hey, let me introduce
my collective, dude.

362
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:05,633
They're all losers, I hate these guys.

363
00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:07,711
We got TRS-80, KITT...

364
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:09,832
Rubik, my man Gleek.

365
00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:13,032
Eh, this guy gives
the best shitty tattoos ever.

366
00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:15,190
He's a genius. His tattoos are so stupid.

367
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:16,918
He's the one who did
my Colonel Sanders.

368
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:18,149
Look at that, pretty epic, huh?

369
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:19,639
It sucks, I don't like it, dude.

370
00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:23,269
Why would I do this to myself?
I never wanted this on me.

371
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:25,360
I love it, dude. I got it
when my grandfather died.

372
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:27,115
That's really cool.

373
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:28,952
So, uh, what's the deal with the show?

374
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,954
Yeah, where do you want us
to fire up this chainsaw?

375
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:35,396
Colosseum? Trevi Fountain?
Spanish Steps?

376
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:37,794
What? No way, dude.

377
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:39,677
Those places are gnar-gnar bo-bo.

378
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:42,150
We're holding it
in an abandoned medical waste facility

379
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:44,151
on top of an industrial trash heap.

380
00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:46,390
It's totally toxic, but super chill.

381
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:48,472
Cool! Sounds dope.

382
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:49,629
Yeah, fresh.

383
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,153
Oh, what?

384
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:53,754
You guys are like,
"Sounds dope!" "Fresh!"

385
00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:56,870
They're doing the voices and everything!

386
00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:59,349
I didn't think you guys
would do the voices. That's sick!

387
00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:01,749
"Sounds dope! Sounds fresh!"

388
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:05,473
I don't like you guys.
It's an honor to have you.

389
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:23,109
Hey, retreads!

390
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:25,472
I want to introduce you all to my muse

391
00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:27,240
and basically, like,
the biggest supermodel

392
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:28,793
in the whole world right now, dude.

393
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:30,399
This is All.

394
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:32,394
All what?

395
00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:33,833
We are All.

396
00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:38,195
So, are you like a male model
or a female model?

397
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:41,073
All is not defined by binary constructs.

398
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:43,989
That's cool. I don't like labels, either.

399
00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:46,878
But I think he's asking,
do you have a hot dog or a bun?

400
00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:50,478
Do you have a wiener or vergiener?

401
00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:54,073
All is all to all.

402
00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:58,913
By the way, All just
married hermself, dude.

403
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:00,911
Monomarriage is finally legal in Italy.

404
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:02,833
I support that.

405
00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:04,592
Derek, that's pretty good, right?

406
00:26:08,120 --> 00:26:10,076
Uh, I'm sorry, are you not comfortable

407
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,160
with people like All
in the workplace or something?

408
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:14,237
No. Of course, I am.

409
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,151
I mean, like, if your son or
whatever came to you and said,

410
00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:17,800
"Hey, Dad, I really want to marry All,"

411
00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:19,353
like, wouldn't you be so stoked for that?

412
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:21,271
Isn't that, like, exactly what you want?

413
00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:23,112
Imagine All walking in, being like,

414
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:24,952
"We'll finally be together."

415
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:27,315
You'd be like hella stoked for that, right?

416
00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:29,189
Yeah.

417
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:31,551
I'd be, like, totally stoked.

418
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:34,591
All is done here. Atari.

419
00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:36,519
See you, fools.

420
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,319
Guys, Alexanya Atoz is here!

421
00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:40,833
The show must begin now!

422
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:45,799
Wow. Alexanya Atoz.

423
00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:48,872
They say she doesn't walk.
She just floats.

424
00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:54,157
She looks even better in person.

425
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:05,594
Ah, I got those juices flowing again.

426
00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:13,832
Just put us out there. Let us do our thing.

427
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:17,989
Come on! Come on!

428
00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:21,358
Chop, chop! Lay down, lay down!

429
00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:23,795
Get in, get in. Take off your robes.

430
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:27,112
Go! Go! Go!

431
00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:32,549
Derek! I have a really
good feeling about this.

432
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:35,269
I know. I feel so alive!

433
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:43,233
Oh!

434
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:56,028
"Old"?

435
00:27:58,000 --> 00:27:59,353
"Lamé"?

436
00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:09,271
Ha! Yah!

437
00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:14,635
Quit it, All!

438
00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:18,439
Hot dog!
It's definitely a hot dog!

439
00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:19,955
All is done.

440
00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:29,715
"Prunes"?

441
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,431
So let me tell you what I think worked.

442
00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:52,080
I think we got to shake off
some of the rust.

443
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:53,388
I was trying out a few new looks,

444
00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:54,708
although it might have been hard to see

445
00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:57,360
through all the dates, or,
was it, you know, prunes?

446
00:28:57,440 --> 00:28:59,396
Hansel, are you insane?

447
00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:00,959
We were a joke out there.

448
00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:02,309
A total laughing stick.

449
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:04,872
What do you want me to say?
I mean, I know...

450
00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:06,188
I know we looked like idiots,

451
00:29:06,280 --> 00:29:07,554
but I'm trying to make the best of it!

452
00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:08,715
Knuck, knuck!

453
00:29:08,800 --> 00:29:09,994
Not now! We...

454
00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:15,713
You...

455
00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:17,473
...two...

456
00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:19,517
...vere amowzing.

457
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:21,915
Deeryuck.

458
00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:24,673
Your fece so hundsome.

459
00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:27,194
Und, Hansel, so stemmy.

460
00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:31,837
Ridowkulously stemmy and hyot.

461
00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:35,640
I'm sorry. I can't understand
a word that you're saying.

462
00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:39,278
I want to invite you to be my gyuests

463
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:43,478
at the most elite
fishion event in housetory.

464
00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:46,312
The IncrediBall.

465
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:48,479
Oh, what!

466
00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:50,519
The IncrediBall?

467
00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:52,033
Is that like the Met Ball?

468
00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,073
No, sveet, stupid Deryuck.

469
00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:02,594
For the first time
in the housetory of fishion,

470
00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:06,229
all of the most important
designers will come together

471
00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:08,151
under one rureff.

472
00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:11,839
I trust you will be dere

473
00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:15,909
with your hyot and stemmy feces.

474
00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:23,436
Dudes. Holy Shazbot! What!

475
00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:26,880
You're guys are gonna be
the center-pizzle of IncrediBall!

476
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:28,075
What does that mean?

477
00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:31,279
The center-pizzle of IncrediBall.

478
00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:35,071
That was bananas, Johnny.

479
00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:40,149
I'm done.

480
00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:42,276
What? Derek, what are you
talking about?

481
00:30:42,400 --> 00:30:43,549
Did you not hear what they just said?

482
00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:45,551
We're going to be the center
of the IncrediBall.

483
00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:48,598
I can only pray that nobody from
Child Services attended the show

484
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:50,591
or I'll never get little Derek back.

485
00:30:51,040 --> 00:30:52,109
What about all the attention?

486
00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:54,111
This is exactly
what we were talking about!

487
00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:57,473
No, Hansel. It's exactly
what you were talking about.

488
00:30:57,840 --> 00:30:59,114
We don't fit in anymore.

489
00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:02,749
Don Atari and All
and that creepy little Vip!

490
00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:04,438
- I don't want any part of it!
- Derek.

491
00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:06,509
Derek!

492
00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:09,515
Derek! D-rock!

493
00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:36,312
Derek Zoolander?

494
00:31:36,400 --> 00:31:37,549
Yes.

495
00:31:38,160 --> 00:31:39,878
Valentina Valencia.

496
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:42,309
Interpol, Global Fashion Division.

497
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,710
Fashion Police? We're clean, lady.
Go harass somebody else.

498
00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:48,310
Besides, I'm out of fashion.

499
00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:50,154
I need to talk to you.

500
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:53,230
It has to do with
the death of Justin Bieber.

501
00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:55,151
His death is not my problem.

502
00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:58,994
Look, I'm trying to find out
who's killing the pop stars of the world.

503
00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:01,150
And I think you're my only chance.

504
00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:05,231
What part of "not my problem"
did you not understand?

505
00:32:05,360 --> 00:32:06,360
None of it.

506
00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:11,269
So you did understand
the part about it not being my problem,

507
00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:14,670
or you didn't understand any part of it
not being a part of my problem?

508
00:32:15,760 --> 00:32:16,988
No, no, no, Derek.

509
00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:19,634
I think what she's saying is that
she understands what you're saying,

510
00:32:19,720 --> 00:32:20,869
but she doesn't accept it.

511
00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:23,036
Hansel! It's all too confusing.

512
00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:25,711
I thought coming here
would help me find myself,

513
00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:27,597
and possibly my son.

514
00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:29,796
But this is more than I bargained for.

515
00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:34,476
This hermit crab
is crawling back into his planetarium.

516
00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:40,034
I can use the database at Interpol
to help you find your son.

517
00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:44,358
If you help me.

518
00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:48,312
I think we got to play ball with her.

519
00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:49,992
She's got some kind of database

520
00:32:50,080 --> 00:32:51,991
or something that she says

521
00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:53,752
will help us find little Derek.

522
00:32:57,680 --> 00:32:58,954
And she's hot.

523
00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:00,195
I trust her.

524
00:33:28,600 --> 00:33:31,239
So, before Bieber died,
he Twitpic'd this look.

525
00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:34,832
He posted it to the blogspot
for his summer concert tour.

526
00:33:35,600 --> 00:33:37,591
He was trying to send a message.

527
00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:42,231
It's Blue Steel, right?

528
00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:45,876
What are you, a fucking idiot?

529
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:49,274
Yeah, that's Blue Steel.

530
00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:53,280
My question is,
is Interpol one of those socialist things

531
00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:55,590
where they hire
mentally-impaired people?

532
00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:57,597
I... I know.

533
00:33:58,280 --> 00:33:59,429
That's right.

534
00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:01,078
I heard your mother worked here.

535
00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:03,792
Oh, snap!

536
00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:08,192
My mother doesn't work here.

537
00:34:09,920 --> 00:34:11,512
No more games, okay?

538
00:34:11,600 --> 00:34:13,591
Is this Blue Steel or not?

539
00:34:13,960 --> 00:34:15,313
Not even close.

540
00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:17,677
I knew what it was the moment I saw it.

541
00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:19,553
It's an old one... From the 90s.

542
00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:21,676
It was for a body lotion campaign I did.

543
00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:23,792
I called it "Aqua Vitae".

544
00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:06,678
Young forever.

545
00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:09,350
Moo!

546
00:35:14,720 --> 00:35:16,358
Still holds up.

547
00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:19,156
Notice the curvature
of my right eyebrow.

548
00:35:19,240 --> 00:35:20,958
It's night and day from Blue Steel.

549
00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:22,675
He's right.

550
00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:26,594
When I overlay them, there are over
14,000 different facial anomalies.

551
00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:28,029
Wow.

552
00:35:28,120 --> 00:35:31,351
I had no idea there was
so much subtlety involved.

553
00:35:33,200 --> 00:35:35,555
Please accept my apologies, Derek.

554
00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:37,353
None taken.

555
00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:47,872
Whoa!

556
00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:51,238
Filippo, we need to find
everything there is on Aqua Vitae.

557
00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:56,794
Hold on a second, lady. A deal's a deal.

558
00:35:58,000 --> 00:35:59,831
Now, you help me find my son.

559
00:35:59,960 --> 00:36:01,313
Sure.

560
00:36:01,400 --> 00:36:03,231
His name is Derek Jr.?

561
00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:04,320
Yes.

562
00:36:04,400 --> 00:36:06,231
Have you ever Facebooked him?

563
00:36:06,720 --> 00:36:09,359
No, thanks. Matilda facebooked...

564
00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:11,359
...and it killed her.

565
00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:13,040
Found him.

566
00:36:13,120 --> 00:36:15,873
He's at the Orphanage
Del Piccolo Cletusi.

567
00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:18,833
Here.

568
00:36:18,920 --> 00:36:19,920
In Rome.

569
00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:21,874
Wait. What?

570
00:36:22,760 --> 00:36:23,875
He's in Rome.

571
00:36:23,960 --> 00:36:27,111
That's convenient. So we can
hit that party at the IncrediBall.

572
00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:29,830
A little too convenient.

573
00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:32,830
Someone wants you here, guys.

574
00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:33,960
But who?

575
00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:35,960
Listen to me.

576
00:36:36,200 --> 00:36:37,838
Be careful
at the orphanage.

577
00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:39,990
And trust no one at House of Atoz.

578
00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:42,432
I'll see what I can find.

579
00:37:10,640 --> 00:37:13,712
Thanks for coming with me.
I feel kind of nervous.

580
00:37:13,800 --> 00:37:16,758
Hey. You're showing up. Feel good.

581
00:37:30,320 --> 00:37:31,355
That must be him.

582
00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:32,509
Where?

583
00:37:39,240 --> 00:37:41,800
He's even more gorgeous
than I imagined.

584
00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:45,511
You're a lucky man.

585
00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:48,193
You there. Boy.

586
00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:52,431
- What's his name?
- Who?

587
00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:54,280
Him?

588
00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:57,192
That's Fabrizio.

589
00:37:57,560 --> 00:37:58,913
Fabrizio.

590
00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:01,398
What a beautiful name.

591
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:04,355
He used to be called Derek Jr.

592
00:38:04,800 --> 00:38:07,360
Really? That's strange,
'cause that's my name.

593
00:38:17,440 --> 00:38:18,759
Bye, mister.

594
00:38:19,960 --> 00:38:21,234
- Let's go.
- What?

595
00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:22,793
- Let's go.
- Why?

596
00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:24,029
I can't do this.

597
00:38:24,120 --> 00:38:25,235
Why not?

598
00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:28,392
He's fat! The fat one is Derek Jr.

599
00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:31,155
No, that chubby kid's name is Fatlander.

600
00:38:31,240 --> 00:38:32,389
I heard them call him that.

601
00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:34,789
Don't you get it?
He switched the "Zoo" part with "Fat".

602
00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:37,872
That's how he came up with "Fatlander".
Fat equals Zoo!

603
00:38:38,240 --> 00:38:41,198
So wait. You're saying that
just because your son is fat

604
00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:43,669
that makes him some sort
of terrible person?

605
00:38:44,640 --> 00:38:46,073
Maybe you're right.

606
00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:47,275
No, I'm asking.

607
00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:50,158
Does being fat
make someone a terrible person?

608
00:38:50,240 --> 00:38:51,280
And I'm agreeing with you.

609
00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:54,716
I seriously think my fat son
might be a terrible person.

610
00:38:58,240 --> 00:39:00,071
And it doesn't make him
a good person, I know that.

611
00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:01,320
But I don't know what to say.

612
00:39:01,400 --> 00:39:03,436
I think you better puddle-talk it out.

613
00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:18,635
So I guess I have a lot to ponder.

614
00:39:19,840 --> 00:39:21,398
You sure do.

615
00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:23,835
Derek.

616
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:26,197
What? Who's that?

617
00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:27,554
I don't know. It wasn't me.

618
00:39:28,320 --> 00:39:29,833
Derek.

619
00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:31,957
Derek.

620
00:39:32,960 --> 00:39:35,633
Ghost of Matilda? Is that really you?

621
00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:37,313
Yes, Derek.

622
00:39:37,400 --> 00:39:41,837
I'm sorry I haven't
been in touch, but I've just been so dead.

623
00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:43,320
Listen.

624
00:39:43,800 --> 00:39:45,916
You must love our son.

625
00:39:46,200 --> 00:39:47,952
He needs you.

626
00:39:48,400 --> 00:39:51,119
But beware of the Headmaster.

627
00:39:52,040 --> 00:39:53,393
What's happening to you?

628
00:39:53,720 --> 00:39:55,551
Love our son.

629
00:39:56,080 --> 00:39:59,152
- Ew!
- And beware the Headmaster.

630
00:40:00,720 --> 00:40:01,914
Hello.

631
00:40:03,240 --> 00:40:04,559
I'm the Headmaster.

632
00:40:05,200 --> 00:40:07,191
Derek Zoolander...

633
00:40:07,720 --> 00:40:09,233
...I'm assuming.

634
00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:11,993
Because I've never met you ever.

635
00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:16,230
Mr. Hansel informs me
that you'd like to see your son.

636
00:40:16,840 --> 00:40:19,070
Easily arranged. Come.

637
00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:27,189
I should tell you,
your son is incredibly gifted.

638
00:40:27,720 --> 00:40:29,438
Hello.

639
00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:32,353
<i>If you want
to find the Spirits in the Material World,</i>

640
00:40:32,440 --> 00:40:35,557
<i>you need to talk
to the Ghost in the Machine.</i>

641
00:40:35,640 --> 00:40:37,153
What? Who is this?

642
00:40:37,240 --> 00:40:39,356
<i>I have a Message in a Bottle for you,</i>

643
00:40:39,440 --> 00:40:42,238
<i>so don't go to The Police.</i>

644
00:40:42,840 --> 00:40:46,879
Okay, don't go to the police
'cause there's a message in a bottle.

645
00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:48,951
Okay, I got it.

646
00:40:49,400 --> 00:40:51,914
Now go prank call someone else, idiot.

647
00:40:52,360 --> 00:40:53,873
Here they are now.

648
00:41:00,080 --> 00:41:02,071
Hey, there, sport.

649
00:41:03,320 --> 00:41:05,629
I hear someone's a fat little smartypants.

650
00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:10,998
I'll leave you to it, then.

651
00:41:11,880 --> 00:41:13,108
I'm gonna let you two catch up

652
00:41:13,240 --> 00:41:15,071
and maybe hit the spa back at the Caca.

653
00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:20,952
Look, I know you have
a lot of unresolved feelings,

654
00:41:21,080 --> 00:41:22,433
but I'm still your father.

655
00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:25,633
You're not my father. You weren't there.

656
00:41:25,720 --> 00:41:29,190
That wasn't my choice.
I was there when you were little.

657
00:41:29,280 --> 00:41:31,794
Most kids play catch with their father.

658
00:41:32,240 --> 00:41:34,800
They don't go with them
to a thong shoot.

659
00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:37,120
There are lots of
starving children in Africa

660
00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:39,350
who would die to go to a thong shoot.

661
00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:40,760
What?

662
00:41:41,480 --> 00:41:43,198
Look, let me make it up to you.

663
00:41:43,280 --> 00:41:44,952
Let's go play ball-catching now.

664
00:41:45,280 --> 00:41:46,508
Ball-catching?

665
00:41:46,600 --> 00:41:48,875
So how's the family reunion going?

666
00:41:49,560 --> 00:41:51,357
Great. I'd like to check him out

667
00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:53,158
for a few hours, if that's okay.

668
00:41:53,280 --> 00:41:56,431
Sure. As long as he's back by sundown.

669
00:41:57,760 --> 00:41:59,432
He seems like a nice guy.

670
00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:01,472
You seem like an idiot.

671
00:42:02,560 --> 00:42:04,994
Okay, I think I know
what would help right now.

672
00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:06,440
What?

673
00:42:07,480 --> 00:42:09,789
Frozen <i>chocolata gelato!</i>

674
00:42:22,120 --> 00:42:23,189
<i>Ciao!</i>

675
00:42:38,000 --> 00:42:39,877
Oh, my God!

676
00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:52,471
Hashtag, oops.

677
00:42:55,160 --> 00:42:58,948
You know, sometimes it takes an
extremely traumatic experience

678
00:42:59,040 --> 00:43:01,270
to make you appreciate
a good makeover.

679
00:43:01,360 --> 00:43:02,759
Am I right?

680
00:43:04,440 --> 00:43:05,634
Derek?

681
00:43:08,080 --> 00:43:09,638
Derek Jr.!

682
00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:18,389
- Are you mentally insane?
- What?

683
00:43:18,480 --> 00:43:21,631
What are you reading?
<i>I Am Malalalala?</i>

684
00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:24,076
No books! Think of your mother.

685
00:43:25,480 --> 00:43:28,040
What's the big deal?
Mom read tons of books.

686
00:43:28,360 --> 00:43:30,715
And a one-ton book killed her.

687
00:43:31,680 --> 00:43:34,114
The book didn't kill Mom. You did.

688
00:43:34,400 --> 00:43:36,356
And you nearly killed me, too.

689
00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:40,510
Come on. Look at us.
We look ridiculous.

690
00:43:40,960 --> 00:43:43,155
What, okay,
maybe your pants are a little loose.

691
00:43:43,240 --> 00:43:45,071
- Are you serious right now?
- What?

692
00:43:45,400 --> 00:43:48,153
I don't want to be anything like you!

693
00:43:48,240 --> 00:43:49,355
You're a has-been!

694
00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:52,673
And you are the most narcissistic,

695
00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:55,473
self-involved person I've ever met!

696
00:43:56,480 --> 00:43:58,471
But that's not how I think of me.

697
00:43:59,320 --> 00:44:00,639
I'm going back to school.

698
00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:03,956
Little Derek, come back here!

699
00:44:04,040 --> 00:44:06,235
I thought we were gonna
give each other facials!

700
00:44:12,760 --> 00:44:13,760
Wait.

701
00:44:15,080 --> 00:44:16,718
How did you learn to speak Italian?

702
00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:18,068
Because I'm smart!

703
00:44:19,400 --> 00:44:21,197
Mom was smart, too.

704
00:44:21,280 --> 00:44:23,396
The only stupid thing she ever did

705
00:44:23,480 --> 00:44:25,072
was fall in love with you.

706
00:44:26,600 --> 00:44:30,036
I don't even have the words
to express what a burn that is.

707
00:44:31,640 --> 00:44:33,756
I don't know what to say.

708
00:44:34,440 --> 00:44:37,477
No, I mean I literally
don't have the vocabulary to respond.

709
00:44:37,800 --> 00:44:40,109
You're like a walking Tyrannosaurus.

710
00:44:40,880 --> 00:44:43,235
You mean "walking thesaurus".

711
00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:45,799
I don't know.

712
00:44:46,840 --> 00:44:50,116
I guess it's nice
that you want to reconnect or whatever.

713
00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:51,679
But we're too different.

714
00:44:51,760 --> 00:44:53,193
And it's too late.

715
00:44:54,960 --> 00:44:56,552
Thanks for the gelato.

716
00:45:15,000 --> 00:45:16,319
Orgy.

717
00:45:19,080 --> 00:45:21,150
Hi there, Hansel.

718
00:45:28,360 --> 00:45:30,828
I heard you

719
00:45:31,440 --> 00:45:32,839
are on the rebound.

720
00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:35,593
No, no. I'm still... Still committed.

721
00:45:35,680 --> 00:45:38,194
We're just taking a
little time to kind of...

722
00:45:38,720 --> 00:45:41,712
Doesn't mean we can't enjoy
each other's bodies.

723
00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:44,037
Oh, damn it.

724
00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:46,319
Hansel.

725
00:45:47,160 --> 00:45:50,835
Meaningless sex always makes me
feel better about myself.

726
00:45:54,200 --> 00:45:55,872
Come on.

727
00:46:01,840 --> 00:46:03,159
Ooh.

728
00:46:19,240 --> 00:46:20,389
Hansel!

729
00:46:21,840 --> 00:46:22,989
We know you're in there!

730
00:46:23,080 --> 00:46:24,149
Stay here. Stay here.

731
00:46:25,320 --> 00:46:27,880
Hansel, let us in! We want to apologize!

732
00:46:28,960 --> 00:46:31,235
Come back to the pigpile, Hansel.

733
00:46:31,320 --> 00:46:34,790
Touch-a, touch-a, touch me.
I want to be dirty.

734
00:46:34,880 --> 00:46:36,950
That's it. I've had enough.
Everybody, back up.

735
00:46:37,040 --> 00:46:39,031
Back! Back!

736
00:46:43,200 --> 00:46:44,713
Hello! Hello!

737
00:46:44,800 --> 00:46:45,800
Ah.

738
00:46:46,040 --> 00:46:47,268
My gosh.

739
00:46:47,360 --> 00:46:49,351
God... Ow!

740
00:47:01,360 --> 00:47:02,509
Oh, Hansel.

741
00:47:02,760 --> 00:47:05,149
Okay. You guys have a talk.
I'm going to a bar.

742
00:47:05,240 --> 00:47:07,117
That's a good idea. Yeah, go.

743
00:47:07,200 --> 00:47:08,394
Hey...

744
00:47:08,600 --> 00:47:10,477
You are a basic bitch.

745
00:47:11,400 --> 00:47:14,392
Come on, let's go. Come on. Out.

746
00:47:14,800 --> 00:47:16,153
I can kill you.

747
00:47:18,640 --> 00:47:20,756
Please. Let me just explain.

748
00:47:20,840 --> 00:47:23,752
Guys, you didn't
even give me a chance to explain!

749
00:47:24,120 --> 00:47:26,839
Hansel, how can you expect
to love 11 people

750
00:47:27,440 --> 00:47:29,556
when you don't even love yourself?

751
00:47:32,960 --> 00:47:34,951
I hope they were worth it.

752
00:47:36,360 --> 00:47:37,759
That's not fair.

753
00:47:38,040 --> 00:47:39,268
Kiefer!

754
00:47:39,840 --> 00:47:41,193
Kiefer!

755
00:47:44,920 --> 00:47:48,117
Hey, where did everybody go?
I wasn't done with that hippo.

756
00:47:53,720 --> 00:47:56,029
Who am I?

757
00:47:58,640 --> 00:48:00,119
Who am I?

758
00:48:03,160 --> 00:48:05,196
- Derek?
- Hey, Hansel.

759
00:48:05,280 --> 00:48:07,430
Are you trying to figure out
who you are, also?

760
00:48:07,520 --> 00:48:08,589
Yep.

761
00:48:09,480 --> 00:48:12,836
<i>♪ Who am I? ♪</i>

762
00:48:14,480 --> 00:48:15,799
Hey, Katy!

763
00:48:16,160 --> 00:48:19,709
Yeah, it's like,
when will we find out who we really are?

764
00:48:20,120 --> 00:48:21,155
I know, right?

765
00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:22,759
Who am I?

766
00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:25,436
Neil deGrasse Tyson.

767
00:48:25,520 --> 00:48:27,078
Even you don't know who you are?

768
00:48:27,640 --> 00:48:29,596
In an ever-expanding universe,

769
00:48:29,680 --> 00:48:33,036
slowly pulling itself apart
into nothingness,

770
00:48:33,480 --> 00:48:37,996
what use does the question
"Who am I?" even have?

771
00:48:39,160 --> 00:48:43,119
Neil, I got to say,
you're totally blowing my mind right now.

772
00:48:43,680 --> 00:48:45,159
That's what I do.

773
00:48:45,240 --> 00:48:48,038
I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson, bitch.

774
00:48:48,480 --> 00:48:49,480
Whoo!

775
00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:52,991
Hansel! Derek!
You have to come to Interpol!

776
00:48:53,120 --> 00:48:54,792
I have incredible news!

777
00:48:55,360 --> 00:48:58,193
We did
a full diagnostic on your Aqua Vitae look,

778
00:48:58,280 --> 00:49:00,635
and a linguistics analysis
on its etymology.

779
00:49:01,120 --> 00:49:03,554
The direct translation is "Water of Life."

780
00:49:03,640 --> 00:49:06,279
But many have
interpreted it another way.

781
00:49:07,920 --> 00:49:09,876
"The Fountain of Youth".

782
00:49:10,680 --> 00:49:13,035
Okay, look, I only
worked there for a summer.

783
00:49:13,120 --> 00:49:15,714
And, no, they don't give happy endings.

784
00:49:15,960 --> 00:49:18,838
No, Derek. The actual Fountain of Youth.

785
00:49:20,600 --> 00:49:25,276
Can you imagine if the Fountain of
Youth indeed does exist...

786
00:49:26,040 --> 00:49:29,715
And if Alexanya Atoz
could market such a liquid...

787
00:49:30,560 --> 00:49:32,357
<i>Do you ever get that feeling</i>

788
00:49:32,440 --> 00:49:36,194
<i>when you see
beautiful teenager girl with perfect skin</i>

789
00:49:36,280 --> 00:49:39,590
<i>and you want to kill her
and take her skin</i>

790
00:49:39,720 --> 00:49:41,597
<i>and put it on your skin?</i>

791
00:49:41,680 --> 00:49:43,511
<i>We bottled that feeling.</i>

792
00:49:43,600 --> 00:49:46,239
<i>House of Atoz Yowth Milk.</i>

793
00:49:47,240 --> 00:49:48,912
...she would make billions.

794
00:49:50,920 --> 00:49:51,989
Excuse me.

795
00:49:54,320 --> 00:49:55,320
Orgy?

796
00:49:55,400 --> 00:49:57,080
<i>You are in serious danger.</i>

797
00:49:57,880 --> 00:49:59,996
<i>Don't Stand So Close To Me.</i>

798
00:50:00,120 --> 00:50:02,270
Come on. It's this prank caller again.

799
00:50:02,440 --> 00:50:03,839
- Put it on speaker.
- What... Why?

800
00:50:03,920 --> 00:50:05,592
Just put it on speaker!

801
00:50:06,120 --> 00:50:07,314
Who is this?

802
00:50:07,560 --> 00:50:09,516
<i>I am your King of Pain.</i>

803
00:50:09,920 --> 00:50:13,435
Every breath this guy takes, I'm like,
"What are you talking about?"

804
00:50:14,000 --> 00:50:15,000
<i>Oh, Jesus.</i>

805
00:50:15,080 --> 00:50:17,753
<i>Just meet me
at Saint Peter's Basilica at midnight.</i>

806
00:50:20,040 --> 00:50:21,837
Sounds like this guy's really into Sting.

807
00:50:23,120 --> 00:50:24,917
I model my life after Sting.

808
00:50:25,400 --> 00:50:27,994
And Bieber was killed
in front of Sting's villa.

809
00:50:29,120 --> 00:50:30,269
What?

810
00:51:15,440 --> 00:51:16,589
Forgive me, Father.

811
00:51:16,680 --> 00:51:18,796
I have many sins
that I would like to confess.

812
00:51:19,960 --> 00:51:22,997
One of my sins has to do with
the death of Justin Bieber.

813
00:51:32,120 --> 00:51:33,394
No way.

814
00:51:34,680 --> 00:51:35,829
Hey, Derek.

815
00:51:36,320 --> 00:51:37,435
Hey, Sting.

816
00:51:38,160 --> 00:51:40,196
And hello, sweet Hansel.

817
00:51:40,920 --> 00:51:42,273
Hi.

818
00:51:42,840 --> 00:51:44,353
You two know each other?

819
00:51:44,960 --> 00:51:46,598
Sadly, we've never met.

820
00:51:46,760 --> 00:51:48,910
And yet I feel like I've known you...

821
00:51:49,400 --> 00:51:51,550
...my entire life.

822
00:51:53,800 --> 00:51:55,028
Tell me.

823
00:51:55,840 --> 00:51:57,956
Have you heard of
the Fountain of Youth?

824
00:51:58,360 --> 00:52:01,830
Yes. Why does everybody
keep asking me that?

825
00:52:02,040 --> 00:52:04,838
No, Derek, not the hand job
joint you worked at in SoHo.

826
00:52:04,920 --> 00:52:06,353
The real Fountain of Youth.

827
00:52:07,280 --> 00:52:10,192
It dates back some 6,000 years.

828
00:52:10,720 --> 00:52:15,430
Its original location is thought to have
been the Garden of Eden.

829
00:52:16,080 --> 00:52:20,278
You mean the Turkish bathhouse
I used to work at in Tribeca?

830
00:52:21,960 --> 00:52:24,952
No, Derek. The Garden of Eden.

831
00:52:26,880 --> 00:52:29,394
<i>The birthplace of Adam and Eve</i>

832
00:52:30,520 --> 00:52:32,192
<i>and Steve.</i>

833
00:52:35,160 --> 00:52:37,071
Steve? Who's Steve?

834
00:52:38,240 --> 00:52:40,470
Steve is the original supermodel.

835
00:52:40,560 --> 00:52:42,312
The first of the purebloods.

836
00:52:42,560 --> 00:52:44,357
He was said to be so beautiful,

837
00:52:44,440 --> 00:52:46,078
with a look so powerful...

838
00:52:46,240 --> 00:52:48,435
<i>...that even
the pools of water he gazed upon</i>

839
00:52:48,680 --> 00:52:50,352
<i>could not reflect his beauty back to him.</i>

840
00:52:52,200 --> 00:52:53,200
<i>That look...</i>

841
00:52:53,920 --> 00:52:57,230
That look was called <i>"El Niño".</i>

842
00:52:58,640 --> 00:53:02,030
But, honestly, I've never heard of Steve.

843
00:53:02,800 --> 00:53:04,631
Countless lives throughout history

844
00:53:04,800 --> 00:53:06,279
have been lost to make sure of that.

845
00:53:06,920 --> 00:53:11,038
Evil forces have hunted
his offspring for centuries.

846
00:53:12,440 --> 00:53:14,271
<i>For the legend states</i>

847
00:53:14,440 --> 00:53:17,000
<i>that if you wrench the still-beating heart</i>

848
00:53:17,120 --> 00:53:20,317
<i>from the gorgeous body
of a true descendent of Steve</i>

849
00:53:20,400 --> 00:53:22,277
<i>and drink its blood,</i>

850
00:53:22,360 --> 00:53:25,716
<i>you will obtain eternal beauty.</i>

851
00:53:27,200 --> 00:53:29,919
So the Fountai n of Youth
is not a fountain at all.

852
00:53:30,640 --> 00:53:32,119
The Fountain of Youth is...

853
00:53:32,200 --> 00:53:33,235
A person.

854
00:53:33,320 --> 00:53:34,639
And not just anyone.

855
00:53:35,200 --> 00:53:37,156
A direct descendent of Steve.

856
00:53:37,640 --> 00:53:38,789
The Chosen One.

857
00:53:39,640 --> 00:53:41,073
How do you know all this?

858
00:53:41,280 --> 00:53:45,319
Because I, and many rock stars
like me, are his protectors.

859
00:53:46,480 --> 00:53:48,198
You see, there are only a few genes

860
00:53:48,320 --> 00:53:52,632
that separate the greatest rock
stars in history from male models.

861
00:53:52,800 --> 00:53:54,677
Which genes are those?

862
00:53:54,880 --> 00:53:57,314
The ones for talent and intelligence.

863
00:53:57,640 --> 00:53:58,868
Of course.

864
00:53:59,200 --> 00:54:01,714
We were entrusted
to protect the Chosen Ones.

865
00:54:02,760 --> 00:54:04,239
But who is the Chosen One?

866
00:54:04,480 --> 00:54:07,199
We believe it is your son.

867
00:54:08,360 --> 00:54:10,351
And that he is in grave danger.

868
00:54:11,440 --> 00:54:12,560
But he's back at the school!

869
00:54:12,640 --> 00:54:14,915
We have to get to him before something
terrible happens to him!

870
00:54:15,000 --> 00:54:18,151
No. Wait. Hansel. Look into my eyes.

871
00:54:19,560 --> 00:54:21,516
Is there anything you want to ask me?

872
00:54:21,600 --> 00:54:23,079
Anything at all?

873
00:54:25,720 --> 00:54:28,393
Do you really have sex for ten hours?

874
00:54:30,880 --> 00:54:31,995
No comment.

875
00:54:32,640 --> 00:54:33,868
Fifteen.

876
00:54:36,520 --> 00:54:38,033
Farewell, my handsome boy.

877
00:54:38,440 --> 00:54:40,908
- Farewell.
- Good-bye, Sting.

878
00:54:54,800 --> 00:54:56,358
Bolt cutters!

879
00:55:07,000 --> 00:55:08,672
He's gone!

880
00:55:10,720 --> 00:55:13,075
It's like no one was ever here.

881
00:55:15,400 --> 00:55:16,469
It was a wig.

882
00:55:16,560 --> 00:55:17,629
What?

883
00:55:17,720 --> 00:55:19,631
It was a wig the whole time.

884
00:55:19,720 --> 00:55:20,914
That was a wig?

885
00:55:21,240 --> 00:55:24,073
That Headmaster
wasn't a good guy at all!

886
00:55:24,160 --> 00:55:25,160
No!

887
00:55:25,640 --> 00:55:28,712
No! No! No!

888
00:55:28,800 --> 00:55:29,994
Derek!

889
00:55:30,080 --> 00:55:31,638
Derek, relax!

890
00:55:37,880 --> 00:55:39,199
Don't do it.

891
00:55:40,040 --> 00:55:42,031
When you want to go to it.

892
00:55:48,920 --> 00:55:50,035
- Filippo.
<i>- Si.</i>

893
00:55:50,120 --> 00:55:51,838
I need you to pull up everything you have

894
00:55:51,920 --> 00:55:54,150
on the man who was arrested
back in 2001

895
00:55:54,240 --> 00:55:55,593
for brainwashing Zoolander.

896
00:55:55,760 --> 00:55:57,432
Facial scans to be cross-referenced

897
00:55:57,520 --> 00:56:00,239
with security footage
of the headmaster of the orphanage.

898
00:56:03,560 --> 00:56:05,551
<i>It's a positive I.D.</i>

899
00:56:06,640 --> 00:56:09,279
<i>The Headmaster
didn't have a name or papers.</i>

900
00:56:09,480 --> 00:56:10,549
Oh, my God.

901
00:56:10,640 --> 00:56:12,471
It's the evil breakdancing DJ.

902
00:56:12,760 --> 00:56:16,389
<i>He was arrested with Mugatu
and his accomplice back in 2001.</i>

903
00:56:17,200 --> 00:56:19,873
It's Katinka
Ingaborgovinananananana.

904
00:56:20,200 --> 00:56:21,235
Where are they now?

905
00:56:21,320 --> 00:56:23,959
<i>Ingaborgovinanananana
disappeared off the grid.</i>

906
00:56:24,320 --> 00:56:26,788
<i>It looks like the Evil DJ
came through the Swiss border</i>

907
00:56:26,880 --> 00:56:29,553
<i>with forged papers
about three weeks ago.</i>

908
00:56:30,360 --> 00:56:32,191
<i>I suppose they could have...</i>

909
00:56:32,600 --> 00:56:35,433
Driven to Rome
and kid napped Derek's son.

910
00:56:35,640 --> 00:56:36,675
<i>Exactly!</i>

911
00:56:36,800 --> 00:56:39,758
Which means the person
behind all of this is...

912
00:56:49,160 --> 00:56:50,479
Who?

913
00:56:52,760 --> 00:56:53,988
Who?

914
00:56:54,640 --> 00:56:56,278
Who are we talking about?

915
00:57:08,920 --> 00:57:10,672
<i>Mugatu's in there.</i>

916
00:57:11,520 --> 00:57:13,397
For ten years,
there has only been one name

917
00:57:13,480 --> 00:57:16,153
on the list of visitors that he will allow.

918
00:57:18,840 --> 00:57:20,193
Thank you.

919
00:57:21,600 --> 00:57:22,669
For what?

920
00:57:23,040 --> 00:57:24,359
For helping us.

921
00:57:28,120 --> 00:57:31,749
When I was a little girl
growing up in Albacete,

922
00:57:31,880 --> 00:57:36,032
my room was covered
in pictures of Derek Zoolander.

923
00:57:38,520 --> 00:57:41,751
The most amazing model alive.

924
00:57:45,080 --> 00:57:47,230
Except I'm not one anymore.

925
00:57:48,120 --> 00:57:50,076
My son called me a has-been.

926
00:57:52,520 --> 00:57:53,999
I'm a has-been.

927
00:57:55,480 --> 00:57:57,072
What kind of has-been were you?

928
00:58:01,680 --> 00:58:03,716
I was a swimsuit model.

929
00:58:04,280 --> 00:58:06,191
- I'm so sorry.
- My heart goes out to you.

930
00:58:07,320 --> 00:58:11,836
I was never able
to transition to print or runway.

931
00:58:12,520 --> 00:58:14,875
To your world of high fashion.

932
00:58:15,760 --> 00:58:17,239
Because of these.

933
00:58:18,400 --> 00:58:22,632
These intrusive, oversized naturals.

934
00:58:25,080 --> 00:58:28,470
These things could never fit
into a sample size.

935
00:58:29,640 --> 00:58:30,959
Gross.

936
00:58:36,440 --> 00:58:38,271
You need to go for this now...

937
00:58:38,400 --> 00:58:40,118
Not later. Now.

938
00:58:40,480 --> 00:58:42,118
- Hansel, are you serious?
- Yes.

939
00:58:42,240 --> 00:58:44,071
While Matilda lies warm in her grave?

940
00:58:44,560 --> 00:58:47,438
Matilda's been dead for years.
You need to move on.

941
00:58:47,520 --> 00:58:50,193
Honestly, by now
she's just a couple of teeth.

942
00:58:50,280 --> 00:58:51,474
A piece of spine.

943
00:58:51,560 --> 00:58:55,189
Maybe a little skull fragment,
like that guy from <i>Tales from the Crypt.</i>

944
00:58:55,280 --> 00:58:56,998
The Crypt Keeper.

945
00:58:57,160 --> 00:58:59,958
Hansel, stop it! I'm not ready.

946
00:59:17,080 --> 00:59:20,959
The world's most
notorious fashion criminals are in there.

947
00:59:21,960 --> 00:59:26,033
Be careful, Derek.
He'll try to get inside your head.

948
00:59:26,160 --> 00:59:29,789
Don't worry. It's closed for business.

949
00:59:37,400 --> 00:59:39,391
Give 'em hell, Derek.

950
00:59:55,560 --> 00:59:57,039
You're goin' down, Zoolander!

951
00:59:57,120 --> 00:59:58,473
You're goin' down, listen to me!

952
00:59:58,560 --> 01:00:01,791
You better listen to the Hammer!
Can't touch this!

953
01:00:02,000 --> 01:00:05,834
No! No! Zoolander
can't touch Mugatu! No!

954
01:00:06,720 --> 01:00:08,551
Shut up, Hammer!

955
01:00:09,320 --> 01:00:12,676
Members Only. Members Only.

956
01:00:13,520 --> 01:00:15,988
Epaulettes are not a crime.

957
01:00:16,520 --> 01:00:19,512
Smart casual. Smart casual.

958
01:00:19,960 --> 01:00:21,518
You can't touch him!

959
01:00:21,840 --> 01:00:24,832
Mr. Hammer is wrong!

960
01:00:49,160 --> 01:00:52,072
Derek Zoolander.

961
01:00:54,640 --> 01:00:56,631
I've been expecting you.

962
01:01:03,160 --> 01:01:05,230
What have you done with my son?

963
01:01:06,360 --> 01:01:07,873
Hands.

964
01:01:08,120 --> 01:01:10,588
Our most overrated appendage.

965
01:01:11,760 --> 01:01:14,194
When not allowed the use of them,

966
01:01:14,280 --> 01:01:15,633
you'd be surprised how quickly

967
01:01:15,800 --> 01:01:18,394
feet can be trained to do
the exact same thing.

968
01:01:27,880 --> 01:01:30,713
Your son is doing wonderfully.

969
01:01:31,800 --> 01:01:35,315
From what the school tells
my offshore accountant...

970
01:01:35,520 --> 01:01:37,351
He's incredibly smart.

971
01:01:37,800 --> 01:01:39,518
Your accountant?

972
01:01:39,600 --> 01:01:42,478
Who do you think paid
for that fancy orphanage?

973
01:01:42,560 --> 01:01:43,754
When he was taken away from you,

974
01:01:43,840 --> 01:01:46,752
someone had to make sure
he got his eight square meals a day.

975
01:01:47,120 --> 01:01:49,793
Eight? You bastard!

976
01:01:54,640 --> 01:01:57,632
I'm sorry. I'd love
to keep talking about this,

977
01:01:57,880 --> 01:02:00,474
but I seem to have developed
a nasty itch.

978
01:02:02,720 --> 01:02:04,153
I'd ask you to scratch it for me,

979
01:02:04,360 --> 01:02:07,796
but no doubt you'd think
I was just trying to trick you.

980
01:02:12,160 --> 01:02:15,789
Or you're trying to make me
think I shouldn't help you.

981
01:02:16,120 --> 01:02:21,717
In which case, I should do the
opposite of that and help you.

982
01:02:22,640 --> 01:02:24,551
Or don't help me.

983
01:02:24,640 --> 01:02:26,790
I think that's even a better option.

984
01:02:29,840 --> 01:02:32,957
You're trying to switch it around on
me, but I won't take the bait.

985
01:02:33,720 --> 01:02:35,199
Sorry, Mugatu.

986
01:02:35,280 --> 01:02:36,872
I'm going with my first instinct.

987
01:02:37,000 --> 01:02:38,228
And helping you.

988
01:02:42,200 --> 01:02:43,872
I really wish you wouldn't.

989
01:02:44,000 --> 01:02:46,833
Too late. The die is cast.

990
01:02:46,920 --> 01:02:48,273
I'd prefer that you didn't.

991
01:02:48,360 --> 01:02:49,554
I'm going to do it.

992
01:02:49,640 --> 01:02:50,868
Please don't.

993
01:02:59,520 --> 01:03:00,748
Let me go!

994
01:03:01,320 --> 01:03:05,233
Not until you untie my straitjacket
and put it on, okay?

995
01:03:06,400 --> 01:03:08,550
If I do, will you let me go?

996
01:03:09,400 --> 01:03:10,753
No!

997
01:03:11,880 --> 01:03:13,950
Which means you will let me go.

998
01:03:14,040 --> 01:03:15,519
So I'll do it.

999
01:03:16,040 --> 01:03:17,268
Oh, my gosh.

1000
01:03:17,360 --> 01:03:18,554
Okay!

1001
01:03:20,200 --> 01:03:23,158
Check and mate, Mugatu.

1002
01:03:24,120 --> 01:03:25,633
Your move.

1003
01:03:27,800 --> 01:03:30,030
You really are an idiot, aren't you?

1004
01:03:30,520 --> 01:03:36,038
Like, super, super white hot,
blazingly stupid.

1005
01:03:38,080 --> 01:03:40,958
For ten long years...

1006
01:03:41,080 --> 01:03:45,232
I've been plotting my escape
from this dreadful place.

1007
01:03:45,360 --> 01:03:48,318
<i>For ten long years.
For ten long years.</i>

1008
01:03:48,600 --> 01:03:53,390
Ten years spent creating some of the
most realistic and lifelike masks...

1009
01:03:54,080 --> 01:03:55,399
<i>...ever made.</i>

1010
01:03:57,200 --> 01:03:58,553
One for you.

1011
01:04:01,760 --> 01:04:03,591
And one for me.

1012
01:04:06,440 --> 01:04:07,555
All so that today...

1013
01:04:08,600 --> 01:04:10,955
...you can become me!

1014
01:04:13,440 --> 01:04:15,271
And I can become...

1015
01:04:16,520 --> 01:04:17,669
...you!

1016
01:04:23,760 --> 01:04:25,432
That's it?

1017
01:04:25,520 --> 01:04:27,238
You'll never get away with this.

1018
01:04:29,440 --> 01:04:32,159
All of the guards
here are former male models.

1019
01:04:32,240 --> 01:04:34,800
Somehow I don't think
it's gonna be a problem.

1020
01:04:34,920 --> 01:04:37,115
Guard! Guard!

1021
01:04:37,760 --> 01:04:39,830
Will that be all, Mr. Zoolander?

1022
01:04:39,920 --> 01:04:41,399
That will be all.

1023
01:04:42,120 --> 01:04:43,473
No!

1024
01:04:43,880 --> 01:04:45,108
No!

1025
01:04:46,440 --> 01:04:48,396
Come back here, Mugatu!

1026
01:04:48,480 --> 01:04:49,879
Mugatu!

1027
01:05:30,600 --> 01:05:31,600
Go get Derek!

1028
01:05:31,680 --> 01:05:32,715
What?

1029
01:05:32,800 --> 01:05:34,074
Go get Derek!

1030
01:05:34,200 --> 01:05:36,430
And tell my orgy I love them!

1031
01:05:42,240 --> 01:05:43,355
Todd!

1032
01:05:45,560 --> 01:05:48,199
Where's my goddamn latte?

1033
01:06:13,280 --> 01:06:16,272
Oh, and, um, here.

1034
01:06:21,880 --> 01:06:23,029
What's that?

1035
01:06:23,120 --> 01:06:24,314
I missed you, too.

1036
01:07:07,280 --> 01:07:08,952
Alexanya!

1037
01:07:10,760 --> 01:07:12,034
Moo-Moo!

1038
01:07:38,080 --> 01:07:39,274
Alexanya!

1039
01:07:39,760 --> 01:07:41,557
Oh, no. Hey, sorry to interrupt.

1040
01:07:41,640 --> 01:07:42,834
What?

1041
01:07:43,600 --> 01:07:45,875
Don Atari, what are you doing here?

1042
01:07:45,960 --> 01:07:47,154
Don't you knuck?

1043
01:07:47,640 --> 01:07:51,315
Mugatu? What? No way, dude.

1044
01:07:51,400 --> 01:07:53,516
I thought you were
supposed to be in jail, dude.

1045
01:07:53,920 --> 01:07:55,717
You're like some dangerous criminal

1046
01:07:55,920 --> 01:07:57,239
that tried to assassinate
a world leader, dude.

1047
01:07:57,320 --> 01:08:00,232
That was some crazy retro-Bond shit.

1048
01:08:00,320 --> 01:08:02,231
So corny. I loved it.

1049
01:08:03,680 --> 01:08:05,318
Who are you?

1050
01:08:05,480 --> 01:08:08,995
Uh, hello! I know you been
all Shawshanked out,

1051
01:08:09,160 --> 01:08:12,072
but, like, seriously, I'm the new stupid
king of fashion, whatever.

1052
01:08:12,160 --> 01:08:13,559
Don Atari, baby.

1053
01:08:14,120 --> 01:08:15,473
What!

1054
01:08:15,960 --> 01:08:18,599
So you know who I am, right?

1055
01:08:19,320 --> 01:08:20,833
Derelicte was the dumbest, dude.

1056
01:08:20,920 --> 01:08:24,799
You and SpongeBob are, honestly, like,
my biggest influences ever, dude.

1057
01:08:25,040 --> 01:08:26,758
And did you just escape from prison

1058
01:08:26,840 --> 01:08:28,751
in the most ingenious way possible?

1059
01:08:30,120 --> 01:08:31,439
Uh, what?

1060
01:08:31,720 --> 01:08:33,517
And did you engineer the abduction

1061
01:08:33,600 --> 01:08:35,511
and fattening of the son of Zoolander,

1062
01:08:35,600 --> 01:08:38,797
and delivery
of the Chosen One for ritual sacrifice

1063
01:08:38,880 --> 01:08:40,950
as the key to the Fountain of Youth?

1064
01:08:41,360 --> 01:08:42,509
Did you?

1065
01:08:43,560 --> 01:08:45,357
Did you? Did you do that?

1066
01:08:45,440 --> 01:08:46,714
- Naw.
- Naw?

1067
01:08:47,320 --> 01:08:48,389
Naw.

1068
01:08:48,680 --> 01:08:49,954
- Naw?
- Naw.

1069
01:08:50,080 --> 01:08:51,274
Did you say "naw"?

1070
01:08:51,360 --> 01:08:54,272
I... I said... "naw".

1071
01:08:55,000 --> 01:08:58,151
So, I just want to ask you again.

1072
01:08:58,680 --> 01:09:02,559
Do you know

1073
01:09:03,240 --> 01:09:06,789
who I am?

1074
01:09:08,480 --> 01:09:09,799
Whatever, you're...

1075
01:09:12,080 --> 01:09:13,718
I'm Jaca-boo-who?

1076
01:09:14,200 --> 01:09:15,428
Jacobim Mugatu.

1077
01:09:15,600 --> 01:09:16,828
That's right!

1078
01:09:16,920 --> 01:09:18,478
I'm Jacobim Mugatu!

1079
01:09:18,560 --> 01:09:20,312
Fashion genius.

1080
01:09:20,400 --> 01:09:21,753
And you...

1081
01:09:22,240 --> 01:09:24,037
You are no one!

1082
01:09:24,240 --> 01:09:25,753
Do you understand me?

1083
01:09:26,440 --> 01:09:27,793
No one!

1084
01:09:28,240 --> 01:09:30,231
I'm the Mamba Bajamba!

1085
01:09:31,080 --> 01:09:33,230
I'm the Mamba Bajamba!

1086
01:09:34,440 --> 01:09:35,589
Todd!

1087
01:09:40,160 --> 01:09:42,674
You'll take my name into death!

1088
01:09:43,040 --> 01:09:44,359
You should know, I actually
care about everybody

1089
01:09:44,440 --> 01:09:45,759
and everything very truly...

1090
01:09:47,560 --> 01:09:50,711
That's right! I just
killed a little hipster!

1091
01:09:50,920 --> 01:09:52,114
Yeah!

1092
01:09:52,200 --> 01:09:54,270
Prison changed me deeply!

1093
01:09:54,680 --> 01:09:56,591
It affected me psychologically.

1094
01:09:56,680 --> 01:09:58,432
I'm a psycho!

1095
01:09:59,360 --> 01:10:02,272
This is just the beginning. Watch out!

1096
01:10:02,640 --> 01:10:04,631
Buyer beware!

1097
01:10:05,000 --> 01:10:07,560
Now where is that
chubby little blood fountain?

1098
01:10:10,640 --> 01:10:11,675
Hansel!

1099
01:10:11,880 --> 01:10:13,836
Guys,
Mugatz just killed Atari.

1100
01:10:14,080 --> 01:10:15,433
<i>For serious?</i>

1101
01:10:15,520 --> 01:10:17,556
Also, they're going
to kill your son tonight.

1102
01:10:17,920 --> 01:10:19,239
What?

1103
01:10:19,600 --> 01:10:22,273
Hang on. I'm gonna try
and get more intel.

1104
01:10:31,480 --> 01:10:32,708
What's going on?

1105
01:10:32,800 --> 01:10:33,800
Why did you kidnap me?

1106
01:10:34,000 --> 01:10:36,719
I didn't kidnap you.
Don't be a silly-billy.

1107
01:10:37,280 --> 01:10:41,478
I'm just a fun,
non-threatening clown, that's what I am.

1108
01:10:42,400 --> 01:10:45,358
Who wants to massively
increase your caloric intake.

1109
01:10:45,760 --> 01:10:46,760
Look.

1110
01:10:47,120 --> 01:10:48,269
Come here.

1111
01:10:48,360 --> 01:10:50,828
There's an all-you-can-eat pasta bar.

1112
01:10:52,880 --> 01:10:55,110
<i>Abbondanza!</i>

1113
01:10:55,640 --> 01:10:59,155
Spicy hot <i>pasta puttanesca.</i>

1114
01:10:59,280 --> 01:11:01,157
Which means "whore's pasta"!

1115
01:11:01,400 --> 01:11:04,676
As in a whore, who made this pasta.

1116
01:11:06,560 --> 01:11:08,232
Doesn't that look delicious?

1117
01:11:08,440 --> 01:11:12,433
Next, an all-you-can-eat lard bar.

1118
01:11:13,680 --> 01:11:15,432
Squirt, piggy, squirt!

1119
01:11:15,520 --> 01:11:17,431
Squirt it! Squirt!

1120
01:11:24,360 --> 01:11:26,316
All the lard you want!

1121
01:11:26,480 --> 01:11:28,869
Fill your little tummy full of lard!

1122
01:11:29,240 --> 01:11:30,468
Hansel, where is he now?

1123
01:11:30,560 --> 01:11:31,560
<i>He's okay.</i>

1124
01:11:31,960 --> 01:11:33,154
It's actually kind of nice.

1125
01:11:33,240 --> 01:11:34,468
Mugatu's hooked him up
with some snacks.

1126
01:11:34,600 --> 01:11:37,956
He's got like a lard bar
and some cheesecake and stuff.

1127
01:11:38,080 --> 01:11:39,433
<i>Oh, and pasta, too.</i>

1128
01:11:39,600 --> 01:11:40,715
No!

1129
01:11:40,880 --> 01:11:44,111
Oh, no. You're right.
He's fattening him for the slaughter.

1130
01:11:44,520 --> 01:11:46,033
You can drop this stupid act.

1131
01:11:46,560 --> 01:11:49,597
I know who you are.
You're Jacob Moogberg.

1132
01:11:49,880 --> 01:11:51,836
And you're supposed to be in jail.

1133
01:11:52,200 --> 01:11:56,478
Hey! Jacob Moogberg died
the day I put ebony and ivory

1134
01:11:56,560 --> 01:11:57,913
on skinny satin neckwear!

1135
01:11:58,040 --> 01:11:59,189
You hear me?

1136
01:11:59,680 --> 01:12:01,671
Okay. I got to make my move. Later.

1137
01:12:01,920 --> 01:12:04,559
You listen to me, Biggie Smalls.

1138
01:12:04,680 --> 01:12:06,159
I went to prison!

1139
01:12:06,240 --> 01:12:09,038
You better scarf down that
last bowl of whore pasta!

1140
01:12:09,280 --> 01:12:10,395
We roll in two!

1141
01:12:21,280 --> 01:12:22,952
You okay in there, little fella?

1142
01:12:23,240 --> 01:12:24,719
We should call the police boat!

1143
01:12:24,800 --> 01:12:26,392
They'll never get here in time.

1144
01:12:26,920 --> 01:12:29,753
Who says swimsuit models are useless?

1145
01:12:29,920 --> 01:12:31,273
Wait. What are you doing?

1146
01:12:33,240 --> 01:12:35,310
How long can you hold your breath?

1147
01:12:35,440 --> 01:12:37,749
- What?
- Take me from behind, Derek.

1148
01:12:38,440 --> 01:12:40,670
And grab me like your life depends on it.

1149
01:12:41,760 --> 01:12:43,239
Not like this.

1150
01:12:43,360 --> 01:12:44,679
Like this!

1151
01:12:44,760 --> 01:12:47,115
For safety. And buoyancy.

1152
01:12:47,240 --> 01:12:48,355
Wait. What?

1153
01:12:48,480 --> 01:12:50,357
We are swimming back to Rome.

1154
01:12:50,440 --> 01:12:51,793
Oh, okay.

1155
01:12:57,000 --> 01:12:58,433
I just talked to your dad.

1156
01:12:58,560 --> 01:13:00,280
And we've got to get you
out of here pronto.

1157
01:13:00,840 --> 01:13:02,796
I never want to see him again.

1158
01:13:02,960 --> 01:13:04,951
What're you talking about?
Your dad's a great guy.

1159
01:13:05,080 --> 01:13:06,752
He loves you like you're his own.

1160
01:13:07,000 --> 01:13:08,433
I am his own!

1161
01:13:08,640 --> 01:13:10,756
He's literally the worst father ever!

1162
01:13:11,400 --> 01:13:13,118
Do you know
it would break your mom's heart

1163
01:13:13,240 --> 01:13:15,470
to hear you bugging out
on your dad like this?

1164
01:13:16,360 --> 01:13:17,759
You knew my mom?

1165
01:13:18,440 --> 01:13:21,989
Oh, yeah. One of the most
amazing women I ever met.

1166
01:13:22,680 --> 01:13:23,829
Really?

1167
01:13:24,160 --> 01:13:26,071
You didn't want to cross her in the sack.

1168
01:13:26,440 --> 01:13:29,910
Those hips of hers would put a love
lock on you to beat the band.

1169
01:13:31,440 --> 01:13:32,873
Wait, what?

1170
01:13:33,000 --> 01:13:34,672
I remember there was one night,

1171
01:13:34,840 --> 01:13:38,674
she had me and your dad
absolutely twisted in knots.

1172
01:13:39,000 --> 01:13:40,353
I was driving the freight train,

1173
01:13:40,440 --> 01:13:42,396
your dad's tearing tickets in the caboose.

1174
01:13:42,960 --> 01:13:43,960
Oh...

1175
01:13:44,040 --> 01:13:45,837
She had a mouth
like Chinese fingercuffs.

1176
01:13:45,920 --> 01:13:50,038
You know where you, like, try to pull it
out but it just keeps getting tighter...

1177
01:13:50,120 --> 01:13:52,315
Stop it! God.

1178
01:13:52,440 --> 01:13:54,078
Look... I'm not going.

1179
01:13:54,240 --> 01:13:56,879
Well, Mugatu's planning
to crack your chest open,

1180
01:13:57,000 --> 01:13:59,434
cut your heart out with a knife,
and drink your blood!

1181
01:13:59,560 --> 01:14:00,560
What?

1182
01:14:00,640 --> 01:14:02,517
Here he comes.
Everything's gonna be okay.

1183
01:14:04,000 --> 01:14:05,274
It's okay, it's okay.

1184
01:14:05,360 --> 01:14:07,191
I was exaggerating.

1185
01:14:14,960 --> 01:14:17,110
It's D-Day, little dumpling.

1186
01:14:31,120 --> 01:14:32,712
You're an amazing swimmer.

1187
01:14:36,760 --> 01:14:38,796
Why are you doing this?

1188
01:14:38,880 --> 01:14:41,235
Don't talk with your mouth full.

1189
01:15:26,200 --> 01:15:27,633
It's soaking wet! It's ruined!

1190
01:15:27,720 --> 01:15:28,920
How are we gonna reach Hansel?

1191
01:15:29,000 --> 01:15:30,000
We need a phone.

1192
01:15:30,080 --> 01:15:31,229
Wait a minute.

1193
01:15:35,320 --> 01:15:36,833
Like this one?

1194
01:15:44,920 --> 01:15:46,035
Derek.

1195
01:15:46,120 --> 01:15:47,189
Hansel, where are you?

1196
01:15:47,280 --> 01:15:48,315
I don't know. Some kind of tunnel.

1197
01:15:48,400 --> 01:15:50,595
<i>I think we're underneath the IncrediBall.</i>

1198
01:15:50,680 --> 01:15:52,636
<i>It smells like the ruins
of an ancient bathhouse.</i>

1199
01:15:52,960 --> 01:15:54,473
It's at the Caracalla Baths.

1200
01:15:54,760 --> 01:15:55,954
I'll drop a pin or a needle or whatever

1201
01:15:56,040 --> 01:15:57,360
and you can track my coordinates.

1202
01:15:57,640 --> 01:15:58,675
Cool.

1203
01:15:58,760 --> 01:16:00,876
They'll never let us in looking like this.

1204
01:16:07,720 --> 01:16:09,790
Interpol Fashion Division!

1205
01:16:10,080 --> 01:16:12,196
We need your vehicle
and your clothes. Now!

1206
01:16:44,200 --> 01:16:47,510
Why is Anna Wintour walking
away from the red carpet?

1207
01:17:04,920 --> 01:17:06,911
We have to get in there.

1208
01:17:07,880 --> 01:17:11,190
Every bathhouse I've ever worked
at always had a rear entrance.

1209
01:17:11,360 --> 01:17:13,555
I'm sure this one's no different.
Come on.

1210
01:17:21,480 --> 01:17:22,799
This is definitely it.

1211
01:17:23,560 --> 01:17:24,959
If I feel around here long enough,

1212
01:17:25,040 --> 01:17:27,395
I should be able to find the hole...

1213
01:17:39,040 --> 01:17:40,189
Derek!

1214
01:17:41,040 --> 01:17:42,189
Hansel!

1215
01:17:43,360 --> 01:17:45,157
Boy, am I glad to see you guys.

1216
01:17:45,280 --> 01:17:47,748
Hansel, my son is going
to die hating me.

1217
01:17:48,200 --> 01:17:49,918
Hating you? The last time I saw him,

1218
01:17:50,000 --> 01:17:51,672
he couldn't stop talking about
how much he loves you.

1219
01:17:51,760 --> 01:17:52,829
- Really?
- Yes.

1220
01:17:52,920 --> 01:17:53,955
He said that?

1221
01:17:54,040 --> 01:17:55,758
Yes. I mean, I'm kind of paraphrasing,

1222
01:17:55,840 --> 01:17:57,432
and you had to read between the lines,

1223
01:17:57,520 --> 01:17:58,999
but, basically.

1224
01:17:59,080 --> 01:18:01,071
Shut up! Can we talk about this later?

1225
01:18:01,160 --> 01:18:02,639
Yeah, come on. Let's go!

1226
01:18:02,760 --> 01:18:03,760
This way.

1227
01:18:26,480 --> 01:18:28,118
That's Alexander Wang.

1228
01:18:28,200 --> 01:18:29,872
And Vera Wang.

1229
01:18:30,320 --> 01:18:31,992
Both Wangs.

1230
01:18:33,800 --> 01:18:35,472
Marc Jacobs.

1231
01:18:36,000 --> 01:18:37,672
Tommy Hilfiger.

1232
01:18:37,880 --> 01:18:40,474
They are all here for the sacrifice.

1233
01:18:57,160 --> 01:18:59,799
In the beginning of time,

1234
01:19:00,040 --> 01:19:04,318
God created Adam and Eve...

1235
01:19:04,440 --> 01:19:06,795
...and Steve!

1236
01:19:07,800 --> 01:19:09,438
Mugatu!

1237
01:19:09,920 --> 01:19:11,592
Mugatu!

1238
01:19:12,200 --> 01:19:13,872
Mugatu!

1239
01:19:14,120 --> 01:19:15,758
Mugatu!

1240
01:19:16,160 --> 01:19:17,434
Mugatu!

1241
01:19:33,480 --> 01:19:35,038
- D.J.
- Wait.

1242
01:19:35,120 --> 01:19:36,633
We don't have backup yet.

1243
01:19:40,080 --> 01:19:43,516
Jacobeem Mugowto has deliver us...

1244
01:19:43,600 --> 01:19:44,953
...the Choosen Why-yun.

1245
01:19:48,120 --> 01:19:50,111
And behold,

1246
01:19:50,240 --> 01:19:52,356
God expunged Steve from the Garden,

1247
01:19:52,440 --> 01:19:54,829
only to redeem us with eternal youth...

1248
01:19:54,920 --> 01:19:55,920
No.

1249
01:19:56,000 --> 01:19:59,197
...bathed in the blood
of the fat little Chosen One!

1250
01:20:00,840 --> 01:20:02,114
- Derek!
- Derek, don't.

1251
01:20:02,200 --> 01:20:03,200
No!

1252
01:20:10,360 --> 01:20:12,396
I don't care
if you're fat anymore, Derek Jr.

1253
01:20:12,480 --> 01:20:13,595
I love you.

1254
01:20:13,720 --> 01:20:16,234
Look, I have made
a lot of mistakes in my life,

1255
01:20:16,320 --> 01:20:18,038
but you are by far the best one.

1256
01:20:18,120 --> 01:20:19,439
I was a mistake?

1257
01:20:19,560 --> 01:20:20,560
I think so.

1258
01:20:20,600 --> 01:20:22,795
To tell you the truth, we were having
so much sex, I can't remember.

1259
01:20:22,920 --> 01:20:24,717
T ell me about it, muchacho.

1260
01:20:24,920 --> 01:20:25,920
Ugh!

1261
01:20:26,000 --> 01:20:29,549
You're beautiful. You have the fire.
You just need to believe it.

1262
01:20:29,760 --> 01:20:30,795
The fire?

1263
01:20:30,880 --> 01:20:32,313
The fire in your face.

1264
01:20:32,840 --> 01:20:35,115
I lost it the day I killed your mom.

1265
01:20:35,640 --> 01:20:39,269
Oh, look. It's a sad, scared little boy

1266
01:20:39,360 --> 01:20:42,796
talking to his fat son
about their feelings.

1267
01:20:43,760 --> 01:20:45,751
You are responsible for all this!

1268
01:20:45,840 --> 01:20:48,149
You lured me to Italy
so you could escape from prison.

1269
01:20:48,280 --> 01:20:50,919
You made Don Atari
and Alexanya hire me to set this trap.

1270
01:20:51,480 --> 01:20:52,708
But enough is enough!

1271
01:20:53,200 --> 01:20:54,633
Enough is enough!

1272
01:20:54,760 --> 01:20:56,512
Eat my blade, Junior!

1273
01:20:56,920 --> 01:20:59,354
Time to die, Chubby Checker!

1274
01:21:03,400 --> 01:21:04,753
Magnum, buddy. Now.

1275
01:21:06,680 --> 01:21:08,113
I can do this.

1276
01:21:20,160 --> 01:21:21,160
Oh.

1277
01:21:22,320 --> 01:21:24,675
That did not work at all.

1278
01:21:26,240 --> 01:21:28,595
It just doesn't hold up, does it?

1279
01:21:28,960 --> 01:21:30,951
You sleuthed the whole thing out, Derek,

1280
01:21:31,040 --> 01:21:34,396
but failed to de-sleuth
the most important piece of the puzzle.

1281
01:21:34,480 --> 01:21:36,311
I owned the construction company

1282
01:21:36,400 --> 01:21:38,868
that built the Center for
Kids Who Can't Read Good.

1283
01:21:40,760 --> 01:21:42,990
<i>I personally made sure they cut corners.</i>

1284
01:21:43,160 --> 01:21:44,309
Literally!

1285
01:21:46,000 --> 01:21:47,000
But that means that...

1286
01:21:47,040 --> 01:21:50,430
That's right, JuJu Bean.
That's <i>How I Killed Your Mother!</i>

1287
01:21:51,280 --> 01:21:54,750
On CBS, right after <i>Two Broke Girls.</i>

1288
01:21:55,440 --> 01:21:57,078
Dad, it wasn't you!

1289
01:21:57,160 --> 01:21:58,275
It wasn't...

1290
01:21:58,480 --> 01:22:01,313
Wait. You called me "Dad".

1291
01:22:01,960 --> 01:22:03,552
Oh, I guess I did.

1292
01:22:04,200 --> 01:22:06,236
Now you don't have the ceremonial knife!

1293
01:22:06,320 --> 01:22:08,914
Which means, no Fountain of Youth!

1294
01:22:09,520 --> 01:22:11,875
Come on, Derek! We need the blood!

1295
01:22:12,280 --> 01:22:14,350
Stop being so emotional, Derek.

1296
01:22:14,440 --> 01:22:16,317
Just give him the goddamn knife.

1297
01:22:16,520 --> 01:22:18,238
Derek, we need the blood!

1298
01:22:18,320 --> 01:22:21,039
Blood of Steve!
Blood of Steve!

1299
01:22:21,120 --> 01:22:24,271
Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve!

1300
01:22:24,640 --> 01:22:27,393
Blood of Steve!
Give him back the knife, Derek.

1301
01:22:27,640 --> 01:22:29,551
Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve!

1302
01:22:32,360 --> 01:22:34,510
Shut up, Valentino!

1303
01:22:35,360 --> 01:22:37,954
Just shut up! Everyone shut up!

1304
01:22:38,040 --> 01:22:40,508
There is no Fountain of Youth!

1305
01:22:41,240 --> 01:22:42,309
What?

1306
01:22:42,800 --> 01:22:46,475
I mean, Adam and Eve and Steve?

1307
01:22:46,560 --> 01:22:49,279
Are you serious?
You actually believed that crap?

1308
01:22:49,800 --> 01:22:50,949
What?

1309
01:22:51,360 --> 01:22:55,114
It's literally the stupidest thing
I've ever heard!

1310
01:22:55,480 --> 01:22:59,439
I get it if Alexander Wang believes it,
but the rest of you, come on!

1311
01:22:59,560 --> 01:23:00,675
Oh, please.

1312
01:23:00,760 --> 01:23:03,797
Without me, you'd still
be cutting patterns at Men's Wearhouse.

1313
01:23:04,160 --> 01:23:06,720
Oh, look,
it's the White Witch from Narnia!

1314
01:23:08,240 --> 01:23:10,629
Oh, no, I'm sorry it's just Anna Wintour.

1315
01:23:10,720 --> 01:23:11,948
I'll knock your teeth out!

1316
01:23:12,080 --> 01:23:14,310
I'll rip your goddamn tongue out!

1317
01:23:14,520 --> 01:23:16,829
Check out the new
spring collection from Hilfiger.

1318
01:23:16,920 --> 01:23:18,433
Brought to you by white privilege!

1319
01:23:18,960 --> 01:23:21,679
You couldn't make a down jacket
to save your life!

1320
01:23:22,040 --> 01:23:23,393
Asshole.

1321
01:23:23,480 --> 01:23:25,948
I don't understand.
You're saying the legend isn't true?

1322
01:23:26,120 --> 01:23:28,350
Why are you doing all of this, then?

1323
01:23:28,640 --> 01:23:31,473
Because Marc, by Marc Jacobs...

1324
01:23:32,440 --> 01:23:35,079
...I knew there'd only be
one thing that would gather

1325
01:23:35,160 --> 01:23:40,678
the entire idiotic fashion
world into one place with no exit!

1326
01:23:40,760 --> 01:23:42,034
Todd! Doors!

1327
01:23:47,160 --> 01:23:48,513
Todd! Silks!

1328
01:23:52,120 --> 01:23:53,120
Huh?

1329
01:23:53,760 --> 01:23:58,117
For years you all left me
to die in a stinking cell!

1330
01:23:58,280 --> 01:24:00,794
Well, now it's my turn!

1331
01:24:04,560 --> 01:24:06,437
I was living a peaceful life of reclusion.

1332
01:24:07,240 --> 01:24:08,798
Why drag me into this?

1333
01:24:10,280 --> 01:24:12,430
Because my big issue is...

1334
01:24:12,520 --> 01:24:15,592
...I hate you, Derek Zoolander!

1335
01:24:17,120 --> 01:24:19,111
Then why kill all those pop stars?

1336
01:24:19,240 --> 01:24:20,798
Why kill Justin Bieber?

1337
01:24:21,720 --> 01:24:25,315
Really? You're asking me
why I killed Justin Bieber?

1338
01:24:29,480 --> 01:24:30,799
Todd! Pooch!

1339
01:24:38,240 --> 01:24:39,355
It's a bomb!

1340
01:24:39,640 --> 01:24:41,312
Not just any bomb.

1341
01:24:41,480 --> 01:24:44,756
A device, designed by Philippe Starck

1342
01:24:44,840 --> 01:24:46,671
in collaboration with Al-Qaeda

1343
01:24:46,800 --> 01:24:49,519
for their new spring explosive collection.

1344
01:24:49,920 --> 01:24:51,751
Todd! Floor!

1345
01:24:54,840 --> 01:24:57,832
When I throw this
into this ancient pool of lava,

1346
01:24:58,000 --> 01:25:00,434
it will overflow,
killing everyone in fashion.

1347
01:25:01,480 --> 01:25:03,152
Leaving only me.

1348
01:25:03,520 --> 01:25:04,919
You can't kill fashion!

1349
01:25:05,000 --> 01:25:07,434
I'm afraid fashion already killed itself.

1350
01:25:08,400 --> 01:25:11,073
Mugatu! I'm coming across!

1351
01:25:13,520 --> 01:25:14,669
Derek!

1352
01:25:15,240 --> 01:25:17,674
Heat is a temporal construct of the mind.

1353
01:25:17,800 --> 01:25:18,800
Yes.

1354
01:25:18,920 --> 01:25:20,911
It doesn't exist.

1355
01:25:23,920 --> 01:25:24,920
Whoa!

1356
01:25:25,000 --> 01:25:27,594
It's so hot! It's hot!

1357
01:25:33,800 --> 01:25:34,800
Jesus!

1358
01:25:34,880 --> 01:25:36,711
Stop it, Hansel! Stop it!

1359
01:25:38,400 --> 01:25:39,833
Derek, toss me the knife.

1360
01:25:40,040 --> 01:25:41,234
You got it!

1361
01:25:48,880 --> 01:25:49,949
Sorry.

1362
01:25:52,320 --> 01:25:53,673
So stupid.

1363
01:25:53,960 --> 01:25:56,713
What the hell is your problem?

1364
01:25:56,920 --> 01:25:59,229
You guys are the absolute worst.

1365
01:25:59,440 --> 01:26:01,112
Put the bomb down, Mugatu!

1366
01:26:02,640 --> 01:26:06,155
Oh, you're the bubble-butted Playboy
model trying to take me down.

1367
01:26:06,240 --> 01:26:07,355
Swimsuit model!

1368
01:26:07,440 --> 01:26:10,671
<i>Sports Illustrated</i> cover,
three years in a row!

1369
01:26:13,360 --> 01:26:14,360
Ah!

1370
01:26:28,960 --> 01:26:29,995
Katinka...

1371
01:26:30,120 --> 01:26:31,439
...Ingaborgovinanananana!

1372
01:26:34,640 --> 01:26:37,757
Game on, my sexy sister.

1373
01:26:45,920 --> 01:26:48,070
Look! They're sexy fighting!

1374
01:26:59,640 --> 01:27:01,437
Awesome.

1375
01:27:04,320 --> 01:27:06,117
Tommy likee.

1376
01:27:09,240 --> 01:27:12,073
Hey, idiots!
Maybe this will get your attention!

1377
01:27:12,160 --> 01:27:14,594
I've got a bomb in my hand
and it's armed!

1378
01:27:20,560 --> 01:27:22,357
Derek, now! Magnum! Do it!

1379
01:27:22,440 --> 01:27:24,158
Fly, baby, fly!

1380
01:27:25,640 --> 01:27:26,993
Bust it out!

1381
01:27:34,680 --> 01:27:36,318
Yes! I knew it.

1382
01:27:48,360 --> 01:27:49,998
Hansel, I need your help.

1383
01:27:50,560 --> 01:27:51,709
Here, let me try!

1384
01:27:54,160 --> 01:27:57,118
It's not working! Derek, it's not working!

1385
01:27:57,360 --> 01:27:59,828
I can't hold it, Hansel! I don't have it!

1386
01:28:00,040 --> 01:28:02,349
You've got your son! I've got nothing.

1387
01:28:04,600 --> 01:28:05,999
Not anymore, Hansel.

1388
01:28:07,520 --> 01:28:08,839
Who's your daddy now?

1389
01:28:09,240 --> 01:28:11,310
I don't know who my daddy is!

1390
01:28:11,400 --> 01:28:12,753
That's the whole point!

1391
01:28:12,960 --> 01:28:14,791
- Hansel.
- What?

1392
01:28:16,680 --> 01:28:18,318
I am your father.

1393
01:28:19,640 --> 01:28:21,756
Holy shit. Sting?

1394
01:28:21,840 --> 01:28:23,398
Let's do this now.

1395
01:28:23,920 --> 01:28:25,592
Synchronicity.

1396
01:28:44,240 --> 01:28:47,550
Nice try, but that looks about
as powerful as your fat son's...

1397
01:28:47,720 --> 01:28:49,915
I'm not fat!

1398
01:28:51,480 --> 01:28:53,675
He's plus size.

1399
01:28:55,200 --> 01:28:56,952
And I've got the fire.

1400
01:29:02,840 --> 01:29:05,832
<i>El Niño!</i> It's real.

1401
01:29:08,760 --> 01:29:10,910
It's so beautiful.

1402
01:29:12,000 --> 01:29:13,592
<i>Bellissima.</i>

1403
01:29:18,960 --> 01:29:20,996
The prophecy was true.

1404
01:29:22,720 --> 01:29:24,915
He is the Chosen One.

1405
01:29:31,600 --> 01:29:35,957
Hansel. He's still so hot right now.

1406
01:29:46,160 --> 01:29:49,357
No way! It's a glitter bomb!

1407
01:30:02,280 --> 01:30:03,633
Looks like you still have it.

1408
01:30:04,000 --> 01:30:05,069
I guess I do.

1409
01:30:05,160 --> 01:30:07,390
- Well, we do.
- Mmm.

1410
01:30:09,160 --> 01:30:10,160
Ah!

1411
01:30:11,560 --> 01:30:12,595
Your face!

1412
01:30:13,000 --> 01:30:14,399
How bad is it?

1413
01:30:14,920 --> 01:30:16,751
Welcome to my world, bro.

1414
01:30:17,000 --> 01:30:18,592
- Hansel!
- Hansel!

1415
01:30:18,680 --> 01:30:20,557
- Orgy!
- Hansel!

1416
01:30:24,320 --> 01:30:26,356
What are they doing here?

1417
01:30:26,560 --> 01:30:28,357
I knew how much they meant to you,

1418
01:30:28,480 --> 01:30:30,232
so I called them on the way over.

1419
01:30:30,360 --> 01:30:31,839
You did that for me?

1420
01:30:32,400 --> 01:30:36,393
You're the best friend anyone could
ever ask for, Derek Zoolander.

1421
01:30:40,280 --> 01:30:42,714
You look so beautiful. Oh.

1422
01:30:43,440 --> 01:30:44,759
We missed you so much.

1423
01:30:44,840 --> 01:30:46,273
And I've missed you, too.

1424
01:30:46,360 --> 01:30:49,352
And I'm ready to be a father.
To all our children.

1425
01:30:51,280 --> 01:30:52,952
Minus one.

1426
01:30:54,480 --> 01:30:55,480
What?

1427
01:30:55,960 --> 01:30:57,598
I lost my baby.

1428
01:30:58,160 --> 01:30:59,309
No.

1429
01:30:59,800 --> 01:31:02,792
I guess kicking the door
down wasn't such a good idea.

1430
01:31:03,800 --> 01:31:06,473
We're going to be a family,
that's all that matters.

1431
01:31:14,520 --> 01:31:17,273
Wait. Are you sure?

1432
01:31:17,960 --> 01:31:20,474
You're right. We shouldn't.

1433
01:31:21,680 --> 01:31:26,037
Hey. It's okay, Dad.
I don't think Mom would mind.

1434
01:31:33,240 --> 01:31:34,389
Matilda.

1435
01:31:35,160 --> 01:31:36,718
Go to her, Derek.

1436
01:31:37,560 --> 01:31:38,993
You're cool with it?

1437
01:31:39,160 --> 01:31:41,151
I'm totally cool with it.

1438
01:31:41,400 --> 01:31:42,674
I'm dead.

1439
01:31:42,760 --> 01:31:45,069
Literally nothing bothers me anymore.

1440
01:31:46,200 --> 01:31:47,235
Oh, and guess what?

1441
01:31:47,320 --> 01:31:48,992
Mugatu live-streamed all of this

1442
01:31:49,080 --> 01:31:51,150
to every fashion blog on the planet.

1443
01:31:51,600 --> 01:31:53,830
Everybody loves you guys again.

1444
01:31:54,360 --> 01:31:55,429
Did you hear that?

1445
01:31:55,520 --> 01:31:57,397
We did it. We're back.

1446
01:31:57,480 --> 01:31:59,914
And famous. And totally self-realized.

1447
01:32:00,480 --> 01:32:02,277
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

1448
01:32:02,920 --> 01:32:04,273
If you're thinking...

1449
01:32:04,440 --> 01:32:06,908
Lava pool party!

1450
01:32:08,760 --> 01:32:10,318
No!

1451
01:32:13,760 --> 01:32:14,829
They're back!

1452
01:32:14,920 --> 01:32:17,070
After six weeks in the burn ward,

1453
01:32:17,160 --> 01:32:19,310
their disgusting facial scars healed

1454
01:32:19,400 --> 01:32:21,709
by a miraculous hot lava treatment

1455
01:32:21,800 --> 01:32:24,997
<i>Derek Zoolander and Hansel
owning the runway once again</i>

1456
01:32:25,120 --> 01:32:27,714
<i>after exposing fashion's top designers</i>

1457
01:32:27,800 --> 01:32:30,439
<i>in yet another human sacrifice scandal.</i>

1458
01:32:30,520 --> 01:32:34,513
This time with the aid
of Interpol agent Valentina Valencia,

1459
01:32:34,600 --> 01:32:36,477
<i>now Zoolander's wife.</i>

1460
01:32:37,000 --> 01:32:38,479
<i>The two recently broke ground</i>

1461
01:32:38,560 --> 01:32:40,915
<i>for the Valentina Valencia
Center For Swimsuit Models</i>

1462
01:32:41,000 --> 01:32:42,399
<i>Who Want To Be Taken Seriously</i>

1463
01:32:42,480 --> 01:32:45,153
<i>And Maybe Transition
Into Law Enforcement Too.</i>

1464
01:32:45,240 --> 01:32:48,994
Hansel, definitely back
and fully self-realized.

1465
01:32:49,080 --> 01:32:51,753
<i>Now a model parent. And father of ten.</i>

1466
01:32:51,840 --> 01:32:53,751
As crowds at Paris Fashion Week

1467
01:32:53,880 --> 01:32:56,348
go cray-cray for Derek Zoolander, Jr.,

1468
01:32:56,440 --> 01:32:58,954
<i>the world's hottest
plus size model-slash-</i>

1469
01:32:59,040 --> 01:33:00,393
<i>National Book Award winner-</i>

1470
01:33:00,480 --> 01:33:03,631
<i>slash-one-half of celebrity
couple Zoolala.</i>

1471
01:33:03,720 --> 01:33:06,075
<i>Yes, these three are totally on fleek...</i>

1472
01:33:06,360 --> 01:33:09,318
<i>Redefining what it means
to be really, really,</i>

1473
01:33:09,520 --> 01:33:11,988
<i>ridiculously good-looking.</i>

1474
01:33:15,880 --> 01:33:17,393
<i>Pumped up with the sex appeal</i>

1475
01:33:17,520 --> 01:33:19,112
<i>'Bout to cop another feel
Then I foot the bill</i>

1476
01:33:19,200 --> 01:33:20,952
<i>I got bang bang with the looks that kill</i>

1477
01:33:21,040 --> 01:33:22,837
<i>Sashay, Shante, then hit the blue steel</i>

1478
01:33:22,920 --> 01:33:24,751
<i>Trying to take a ride in the cool mobile</i>

1479
01:33:24,880 --> 01:33:26,800
<i>You wanna keep me on the line
'Cause my culo real</i>

1480
01:33:26,920 --> 01:33:28,717
<i>Rockstar shit with the Goose on the chill</i>

1481
01:33:28,840 --> 01:33:30,876
<i>My pockets so fat, got a sumo deal</i>

1482
01:33:31,040 --> 01:33:32,519
<i>I'm a star, so the camera flicker</i>

1483
01:33:32,600 --> 01:33:34,670
<i>Look at her go, blame it on the liquor</i>

1484
01:33:34,760 --> 01:33:36,239
<i>Doing it big, my selfie two figures</i>

1485
01:33:36,360 --> 01:33:38,191
<i>Could give it up, but I ain't a quitter</i>

1486
01:33:38,280 --> 01:33:41,909
<i>Ooh, I be flyer than you
World domination, I'm so Mugatu</i>

1487
01:33:42,040 --> 01:33:43,871
<i>Yes, I be smashin ', plenty of fashion</i>

1488
01:33:43,960 --> 01:33:46,030
<i>Doing my anthem,
Now give 'em the Magnum</i>

1489
01:33:46,120 --> 01:33:49,078
<i>Relax, don't do it
When you wanna go to it</i>

1490
01:33:49,160 --> 01:33:51,071
<i>Relax, don't do it</i>

1491
01:33:53,080 --> 01:33:56,629
<i>Relax, don't do it
When we got the club moving</i>

1492
01:33:56,720 --> 01:33:58,597
<i>Relax, don't do it</i>

1493
01:33:58,720 --> 01:34:02,554
<i>When you wanna come</i>

1494
01:34:16,040 --> 01:34:19,749
<i>Pack it up, old lames
You just irrelevant to us</i>

1495
01:34:19,880 --> 01:34:23,509
<i>Old as the presidents
Your style is like the republican twos</i>

1496
01:34:23,600 --> 01:34:26,751
<i>That's a definite
Give grief to all your relatives</i>

1497
01:34:26,840 --> 01:34:30,230
<i>And next of kin and
Gave 'em D-attention, no decificit</i>

1498
01:34:30,440 --> 01:34:33,238
<i>When I say ancient relics,
Hansel and Derek,</i>

1499
01:34:33,320 --> 01:34:34,753
<i>I'm handsome, you jealous</i>

1500
01:34:34,840 --> 01:34:39,231
<i>I can tell it from your facial expressions
Or I take it, you smell it</i>

1501
01:34:39,440 --> 01:34:44,958
<i>I'm sorry, Don Atari, but Donatella
suggested Valentino for the party</i>

1502
01:34:45,600 --> 01:34:48,956
<i>Shoot it in the right direction</i>

1503
01:34:49,240 --> 01:34:52,471
<i>Make it your intention</i>

1504
01:34:53,280 --> 01:34:54,759
<i>Live those dreams</i>

1505
01:34:54,920 --> 01:34:56,478
<i>Scheme those schemes</i>

1506
01:34:57,040 --> 01:34:58,792
<i>You gotta hit me</i>

1507
01:34:58,920 --> 01:35:00,956
<i>Hit me with those laser beams</i>

1508
01:35:01,040 --> 01:35:04,237
<i>Relax, don't do it
When you wanna go to it</i>

1509
01:35:04,320 --> 01:35:07,835
<i>Relax, don't do it
When you wanna come</i>

1510
01:35:08,080 --> 01:35:09,877
<i>Relax, don't do it</i>

1511
01:35:10,000 --> 01:35:11,752
<i>When we got the club moving</i>

1512
01:35:11,840 --> 01:35:13,558
<i>Relax, don't do it</i>

1513
01:35:13,640 --> 01:35:16,950
<i>When you wanna come</i>

1514
01:35:18,760 --> 01:35:21,797
<i>When you wanna come</i>

1515
01:35:30,520 --> 01:35:31,953
<i>Relax</i>

1516
01:37:00,666 --> 01:38:00,666
<b><font color="#00FFFF">Improved By: Fidel33
Sub Upload Date: May 11, 2016</font></b>