Draft

You and I
Does it sounds edgy? Or cringy?
Well sorry for a bad opening

It's been nearly 3 years since we all sit in the same class. And I think what we both have known in common is 'we both only begin to know each other in this rest of the semester' .

This last round, "unfortunately" we are placed in the same occassion as well as the other people. As we did many things in the common ground, I as well as you must have been begin to know each other "better" than you and I / each have done in these past years.

What you need to know is that I never wanted things to be ended up like this. I don't ever wish, hope, or even pray for something like this.

The fact that there exist feeling in me toward you confuse me.
I can't think rationally for the time being. And begin to overanalyzing everything like  I always done countless times. Something that I've decided must be changed and yet broken even before I begin.

All those jealousy, hatred, helplessness, something that I don't understand. Exist within the feeling and spinning around it.

 No,  I don't. I never wanted any of this feeling, don't blame me.

As it developed and become thicken, there comes a feeling that exist whenever I see you surrounded by your friends. Close friends. I don't know how much close each of you are, because one thing that I know is I don't have that kind of thread with you.

There comes too when you try to avoid every single kind of touches with the opposite sex including me makes me wonder how good you are on how you treat yourself and at the same time, bring up such a disgust feeling toward you on how could you be so helpless whenever your close friend can do that to you so easily.

Another case is when there are only you and I in some occasion that you would just silence just like I did to everyone compared to your friend where you be talkactive and happy making jokes and laugh about many things. I even without any rights or any needs, feel so bad about it.

I'm just thinking about if there IS / ARE walls standing between you and I then whose walls those are?

So,  do you see how strange this thing affect my way of thinking? I mean I couldn't even figure it out myself.

I don't actually need to see you if I don't have any important things to talk about.
I don't actually have to care about what surround you,  whether it is your close friend or not, I don't need to feel such disgust toward anything about you nor even thinking about you because it doesn't concern me at all.
But this feeling.

And I don't know how many times I've reconsider the decision I would take that it changed everytime I pulled out a new conclusion about you.

If myself in the future ask you to read this whole note,  then he has decided to make an end to the path he and I had taken.  No longer know nor care about the closure awaits in the end of the tunnel.

But you know what?, halting all of this feeling, saving all of it up to the points where they driving you mad is what I had all this time. And all of it doing their part on changing my decision about what I would do about this feeling.

This time, I intend to make an end. Let it stay as it is only lead me to walk on the same path with the same results and they are driving me crazy. But something need to be done. I keep denying and pushing them far away,  so our final project doesn't get any interferences.

Let me recite it.
I have this feeling toward you.
I love it when we talk about many things.
‌And I love to know more about you.

I just want you to know that I've been harboring all this halted feeling toward you

I don't know what to do with these feelings.