This is going to be long. It's going to be long because I'm going to explain a lot. Please try to understand. I'm doing this for your benefit, and mine. Yours, because I want you to understand, and mine because I want you to understand me, even if just a little.

Before I get into the touchy feely stuff - It is supposed that I suffer from ADHD. It's not 100% doctor approved, because I haven't gone to the psychiatrist yet, but I DO have ADHD like symptoms - one of which kinda...my minds jacked up. I can't translate my feelings into thoughts then into words very well. It is extremely difficult for me at times and that's part of why I get emotional and cry. I cry because of frustration more so than actual sadness. You may not understand just how hard it is but ...yeah. At times I actually can't think or speak. It's really frustrating, it hurts, and it sucks because hardly anybody understands. There's only like 2 people that even remotely get it - the one that understands it. It is extremely lonely. But anyway,

I don't..say things to down myself or I have no confidence. That day you said that was one of those times where I couldn't speak, my mind was on lock down and that's part of why I started to cry - out of frustration. At myself mainly. Because it's so hard for me and I really didn't want to upset you, or have you not understand. That explains why I tried so hard TO get you to understand but then it kinda backfired and you couldn't handle it. I say things mainly in truth. Sometimes, yeah, i'm sad and i'm all "boo hoo woe is me" but it lasts maybe a minute and goes away. Normally occuring during my period, which is...like..this week. Explains alot. lmao. I have actually tried hard not to go to RPC much because...of how I am. I know - "Fuun, be confident, fxck da' h8rs" but sometimes it leads to different things. I used to be on RPC a lot as "surii" as I got..attacked a lot. My friends turned on me after knowing my age, I got attacked IN MAIN, so then when Fuun was made, and still today, nobody who knows me on surii, knows me as fuun aside from one or two who are completely " who cares" about it.

And then on fuun, the days and weeks and months I wasn't around? I was on my period, or my emotions were unstable and I didn't want to have the same thing in the main chat, happen in the poke room. Also, I knew you hated drama. Almost everything I do has a reason and sometimes it's not for myself. I am extremely consciouss- I can''t spell- of other peoples emotions and feelings. Which brings me to my next thing.

From day 1 of meeting you and being friends and stuff, I was very concsious of your feelings. I acted around that. I didn't want to upset you, so I was careful with my words and my actions. I don't really know what to do now, because I know how much fuun annoys you on occasion. I cry just as much almost, but with even bigger problems. After we talked that one night? I sobbed for nearly half an hour - and no I'm not saying this to upset you or guilt trip you , i'm saying it because ... I cried due to distress and frustration. At myself for messing up, for saying too much - because...of the way that I am, I've been outcasted irl and online. And while a bunch of people suffer that too and it' seems like "whatever", it's extremely ...lonely. I've gone to doctors with the problem, and other people, and nobody understood, or could understand. When I tried to explain, when I tried, for them, I became this really...weird person. I care a lot about people, moreso individuals. I grow extremely attached to people quickly - like fuun. And when I befriend them, there comes a point where I WANT them to understand, so then I explain - and it blows up, just like the other day.

I may not know you fully or understand you, but the person you are I accept. Your preferences, your feelings on subjects, your opinions, your attitude - That is all okay with me. There's not one thing that's like "No, this shit sucks". I've only ever had 1 real friend since I was 12. Since that time it's gone to 2. So I'm probably super shitty at this, and you might think i'm weird and then I'll have to...do whatever but..I'm trying. I want you to know that I'm trying my best and I try my best every day... I'm loud mouthed, I can curse up a storm, I can have the mind of a slut and then other times a 7 year old. I can be obnoxious, annoying, selfish, too-selfless, irritable, overly happy, dense, strange. I know I said I could filter my stuff, or I would...but I can't. That wouldn't be me being myself.

And I don't know what to do because the person I am, the overly emotional obnoxiously crying person, is the stuff you don't like, as you've said. I want to be myself, but I don't want to lose you as a friend. I don't want to upset you or annoy you. Lol and right now i'm tearing up.. i'm not saying this to guilt trip you or make you upset. I do this so that you can understand. Even if you find all this stupid and weird and there's no point and you don't want to be friends with me because i'm not regular or filtered I just wanted you to know. I don't want to lose you, but the person I am upsets you....I know you ..probably won't know what to do either, and you'll be overwhelmed and...it'll 'throw you off'.. It's fine. I actually don't expect anything. When you're done reading this, and I hope you did but I'll understand if you didn't, just...don't reply to me unless you have an answer or something. It'd be prefered if you slept on it or something. I don't know. I really don't know what to do with this or ...yeah. I'm sorry if I freaked you out Uubi..