Janitor Anon's Improbable Adventures III

>"Ahm just not sure ah like the idea 'a involvin' a stranger in... family business, Twi"
>Twilight nods
>"I understand, Applejack, but it doesn't hurt to have a little extra help, and I know Anon is reliable."
>"Ah'd have a' easier time believin' ya if'n he weren't already running late. How d'ya even know him?"
>Twilight hesitates
>"He's a janitor up at the castle. And I'm sure he has a perfectly good reason for running late. Believe me, he's worth having on your side if things go south."
>Applejack grudgingly nods
>"I guess Ahm fine with it, if ya really think we need him."
>Twilight nods, giving her friend a smile
>"I promise you won't regret it."

>You're Janitor Anon, and you're running late.
>You have a perfectly good reason, though.
>6:30 was far too early to get up.
>You'd woken at six, groaned and added half an hour to you alarm before going back to sleep.
>Then you'd added another hour.
>Then another ten minutes.
>Giving up your weekend to help one of Twilight's friends was already enough of a sacrifice, and you sure as hell weren't missing your beauty sleep to do it.
>Of course, when Twilight first asked you to help, you'd just laughed her off
>Then she'd begged, pleaded and eventually offered to pay you a month's worth of wages for helping. That had caught your attention.
>After she told you exactly what you'd be doing, you were completely sold.
>Her friend was a cowgirl, and apparently her family owned a ranch or something out in the Pony Wild West.
>They were having bandit problems, and Twilight was going to help her deal with it. You've got no idea why she wanted you along, but you'll be surprised if you don't make her regret it
>You were packed several days in advance, after a few trips to the fancy dress store.
>If you were going to be spending the weekend in the Pony Wild West, you were going to be spending it in a cowboy outfit.
>And speak in a cowboy accent the whole time.
>Not that you had any real experience with that. Really, though. How hard could it be?

>You finally wake, aware you're running late. With that in mind, you make all haste to get to the train station.
>After your bath, that is. And obviously you weren't going to skip breakfast, even if it was already almost eleven.
>And it's not like you couldn't stop off at that amazing ice cream shop on the way to the station.
>Well, it wasn't technically on the way. More on the other side of town really, but you didn't mind the walk.
>And then there'd been that street performance with the juggling, and you hadn't wanted to go until it was over.
>And then... well, by the time you'd finished your late lunch and arrived at the station, it was almost two.
>Twilight stands with the cowgirl pony, and they both look a little annoyed about something.
>That quickly changes to a look of uncertainty as they spot your outfit
>Your spurs jingle-jangle as you approach, your ten gallon perched on your leather-chap wearing, cowboy head
>Twilight opens her mouth, probably to sass you, but you don't give her the chance
"BOY HOWDY, if'n taint ole Twily Sp'kle an a fella cow...folk suchlike'n as mah self."
>They stare at you, in awe of your mastery of cowboy language
>You hold out a hand to the cowgirl pony who takes it uncertainly
"Ole Cowpoke Anon's wha' they call me in around these here 'n parts"
>You aggressively pump the mare's hoof
>"Applejack"
"Gee howdy 'n boy... whizz. If'n taint ta cowgirliest name this side ah tha..."
>You falter slightly, not quite sure how to end that sentence
"... Grand Canyon."
>You release Applejack's hoof, and her and Twilight just stare at you in what you can only assume is awe
>Time to seal the deal
>You sweep off your ten gallon hat, and lean in close to the mares
"YEE HAW!"
>You yell in their faces, and they jump about a foot in the air at the sudden outburst
>Stifling a laugh, you make a note to keep suddenly yelling 'yee haw' at them without warning
>A whistle blows, and the train at the platform begins to pull away
"Well, if'n y'all's dun lolligagging, I reck'n we got ah train to catch"
>They begin to protest as you herd them onto the train
"...YEE HAW!"
>That silences them, and you get on the train just as it leaves the station
>Soon you'll be in the Pony Wild West, and that's when your real adventure begins...

>Soon, you're in the Crystal Empire.
>The train you got on in such a hurry was actually going completely the wrong direction.
>Makes sense, really. You'd arrived at the station about five hours late.
>It's not like you can jump on a random train at a station and just assume it's going the right way.
>While you're not bothered by your mistake, the two ponies don't take it too well.
>The three of you sat in silence all the way to the Empire, apart from the occasional 'Yee Haw' from you, with Applejack staring daggers at you and Twilight alternately
>It's the same when you get on a train going the right way, an hour later.
>You don't mind the silence. Instead, you try to time your Yee Haws for maximum devastation.
>A minute after particularly aggressive outburst, a mare pokes her head into your compartment
>"Do you mind? I have two foals trying to sleep next to that racket."
>You smile at her apologetically
"Sorry to disturb you ma'am."
>You point at Applejack
"My companion here likes to pretend to be a cowgirl. Isn't that right, Applejack?"
>Applejack sputters indignantly
>"Wha' in tha hay're ya talkin' about, ya vermin!?"
>You nod, and smile sympathetically at the mare from he other compartment
"She's... not quite right, I'm afraid. The doctors say it's autism, but she'll always be my adoptive sister, and I'll always love her. I can try to keep her down, but..."
>The mare quickly backtracks
>"No, no... I'm sorry, I didn't realise-"
>"Ah wasn't shoutin'!" Applejack bellows
>The mare smiles at her kindly
>"Oh, of course you weren't, dear. Are you going to Appleoosa for a cowgirl adventure?"
>Applejack takes a second before answering
>"Ahm goin' ta help ma kin protect their homestead from a group a murderous bandits!"
>"Oh my, that sounds fun!"
>Applejack just stares at her in mute horror, the full implications of what's going on sinking in
"Thank you for being so kind. Not everyone's that understanding."
>The mare shakes her head
>"Honestly, it's no problem."
>You look across to Twilight, her face scrunched up tight
>For a second, you think she's about to go apeshit
>Then she catches your eye, and you realise she's holding back tears of laughter
>The kind stranger gives another friendly smile to Applejack
>"Hope you have a rootin' tootin' good time, dear!"
>You give the mare a grin, and she turns to leave
>Applejack fixes you with her burning gaze, and slowly raises a shaking hood to point at the leaving mare
>Her mouth opens, no doubt to give you what for
"YEE HAW!"
>The leaving mare jumps a little, and turns to see Applejack sat there, pointing at her with her mouth wide open
>Twilight quickly levitates a book up to her face
>The mare beams at Applejack, and gives her a goodbye wave
>"Yee haw."
>The mare leaves, and a heavy silence hangs over the compartment
>A snicker breaks the quiet
>Behind her book, Twilight's whole body is shuddering
>Shit
>Maybe you broke her
>You try not to laugh as Twilight does the same
>Applejack narrows her eyes, turning her attention to Twilight
>The Princess of friendship slowly lowers her book, tears streaming down her face
>She comes face to face with Applejack, and instantly breaks down in peals of laughter
>Twilight sets you off and soon the two of you are breathless with laughter

>Applejack took your joke surprisingly well
>Which is to say she didn't beat you to death and use your skin as a gruesome yet tasteful rug
>While she didn't laugh per se, she apparently did see the funny side of it
>The whole setting-her-up-to-look-like-a-retard thing broke the ice, and soon her and Twilight are chatting amicably
>So what do a princess and a cowgirl talk about?
>Apparently a load of mundane shit
>It's hard to even stay awake through it
>It's all talk about a load of their friends, who you don't know and never really want to. Unless they're cowboys, astronauts, elite commandos, private investigators, career criminals or perhaps janitors.
>Twilight at least tries to involve you occasionally, and Applejack's warming to you, though she's still a touch frosty
>By now the train's entering the Pony Wild West
>You stand
"I'm going outside for a smoke."
>Twilight nods, but Applejack just cocks her head
>"We're on a train, Anon. There ain't no outside."
>You point at vista through the window
"Checkmate, cowgirl."
>You hope she knows what checkmate means
>"Ah mean they ain't gonna let ya go outside."
"A cowboy goes where he wants, Applejack."
>She just rolls her eyes and gets back to her chat with Twilight
>You make your way to the back of the train, and find a little balcony thing behind a door with "Authorised Personnel Only" written on it
>Another sign says "Do not open when train in motion"
>You open the door
"Checkmate, door."
>You guess 'Checkmate' is a thing you're doing now
>Huh, you should get a catchphrase.
>You stand on the back of the train and light your last cigarette
"Checkmate, cigarette."
>Hmm. You're not sold on it yet
>The view's nice, especially with the warm air blowing past
>After this, no more cigarette for the weekend. You got a load of cheap cigars, to be more like a real cowboy.
>You're just standing there, minding your own business, when you spot a pair of pegasi flying toward the train
>As they get closer, you can make out their outfits. Bandits, complete with hat and red bandanas
>Huh. Maybe you should run back to Twilight and Applejack to warn them.
>You take a drag on your cigarette
>Nah.
>Instead, you watch the pegasi get closer with feigned indifference
>They sweep in low, landing either side of you on the back of the train
>You stay leaned on the handrail, paying them no mind
>"This is a robbery! The Coltons are taking this train!"
>You glance over your shoulder at the stallion who spoke. He's holding a revolver, and has a bandoleer
>He squints at you, waiting for a reaction
"Oh."
>Turning your attention back to the view, you rub at your nose
>Behind you, the two ponies stand in silence for a moment
>The other one, a mare, speaks up
>"We're robbing the train... /this/ train. We're bandits."
>You don't even look over your shoulder this time, just wave a hand vaguely
"Yeah, your friend said."
>Another moment passes
>"Aren't you the guard?"
"No."
>They thought you were a guard for the train?
>Maybe you're alright at this cowboy shtick after all
>The stallion cocks his head
>"Why are you dressed like that, then?"
"It's the Wild West. Why are /you/ dressed like that?"
>"We're bandits! Bandits always dress like this!"
"I mean, what's with the bandanas? It's not like your faces are your most distinguishing feature."
>"It's to hide our identity!"
>The stallion's getting pretty riled up
"No shit? And what if someone thinks to look at your cutie mark? Or if they recognise your mane and coat colour?"
>The pony opens his mouth to argue
"Checkmate, bandit."
>You take another leisurely drag of your cigarette
>Checkmate's growing on you.
>The stallion thinks for a second, but the mare starts up before you can enjoy the peace
>"If you're not the guard, then what are you?"
"Janitor."
>The mare looks uncertain
>"This train has a janitor?"
"Maybe, why are you asking me?"
>"Aren't you the train's janitor?"
>You shake your head
"I'm the castle janitor."
>"What castle?!"
"No, Canterlot Castle."
>She stomps a hoof in frustration, and the stallion speaks up again
>"Maybe ponies are so scared by our bandit masks, they don't pay attention to everything else?"
>You shrug
"Sure, whatever. Look, did you jump on this train to discuss your fashion choices and where I work, or were you going to do a robbery?"
>The stallion perks up a bit
>"Oh, right, the robbery. If you're not be guard, then we'd best-"
>His other half grabs him
>"Team huddle."
>You assume it's his other half, and that they're some kind of outlaw couple
>Or maybe she's his sister...
>Eh, no reason she can't be both. This is the Wild West after all.
>They wrap their hooves around each other and lean in close. You listen in on their hushed conversation, which is a lot louder than they think
>The mare is halfway through whispering something
>"... from Canterlot castle? You believe that?"
>"He said he was... why would he lie?"
>"So what do you think we'll find when we rush into that carriage?"
>The stallion thinks. He looks distinctly uncomfortable doing it
>"Loot?"
>"Nope. Try a train full of Feds, ready to take us down."
>The stallion gasps dramatically
>"Take us down where?"
>She ignores his question
>"It's obvious. I mean, look at him! Who dresses like that?"
>Bitch
"Cowboys do!"
>She shoots you a dirty look
>Not the good kind of dirty, either
>"He's got fed written all over him."
>The stallion thinks again
>"...I guess. So what do we do?"
>Godamn, you ain't no fed
"I'm not a fed! I'm a janitor at Canterlot castle, who's visiting Appleoosa as a favour to Princess Twilight Sparkle, who's on the train now."
>The pair stare at you for a second
>"Fed," they say in unison before returning to their huddle
>"We should just bail, get a head start on them. Tell the others, grab the gold and run."
>Gold?
>That was probably something you should care about
>Cowboys liked gold, right?
>No, that was pirates. You think...
>Both, maybe?
>"Should we shoot him first? To slow down the others?"
>You take a drag on your cigarette
>Getting shot doesn't sound like something you particularly want to do.
>Probably time to do something.
>You grin at them, and they both stop talking, scrutinising you warily
>"What're you smiling at, G-man?"
>You shrug, still smirking
"Oh, nothing... it's just that, well..."
>You snap your gaze up and above them, through the door into the train carriage
"YOU JUST ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD!"
>The mare's eyes widen before you even finish, and she tightens her team huddle grip, jerking the stallion of his feet
>She throws herself off the train, dragging her partner with her
>Nice. You were really just hoping they'd fly off, but this is much better.
>You casually watch the pair kick up dust as they roll along the ground by the train tracks
>That was some impressive reflexes from the mare. You probably could have just screamed gibberish and she would have jumped.
>Within a minute, they've got their bearing and flown off as fast as they can
>You flick what's left of your cigarette over the handrail and head back into the train
>Twilight smiles at you
>"Good smoke?"
>You shrug
"Noisy."

>It's not long after that that you arrive in Appleloosa.
>As Twilight and Applejack discuss where to go next, you open up your luggage and begin rummaging
>You pull out a pair of holsters, and two great big revolvers
>Twilight gasps when she sees them
>"Anon, where did you get those?!"
"Found 'em."
>The costume store where you'd gotten your Wild West outfits didn't have any convincing ones, and you'd really wanted to sell yourself as an authentic cowboy.
>So you broke into a police station and ransacked the evidence room.
>It was fine though, you left an IOU.
>Applejack gives a whistle
>"Maybe bringin' ya along won't be as pointless as ah thought."
>She smirks at Twilight
>"Reckon Anon got the right idea. These varmint need a dozen slugs, none 'o this 'diplomacy' nonsense."
>Slugs?
"Only brought blanks."
>Applejack's smug grin falters
>You slip your holster on
>"Ya only brought blanks? Why!?"
>Jesus, Applejack's cold. You thought ponies were all against violence. Or just incredibly inept at it, at least
"Why didn't I bring real bullets? One: I don't want to shoot anyone..."
>You hesitate
"... anyone in Equestria, at least."
>Twilight frowns in puzzlement
>"What do you mean 'in-"
>You press on
"B: I have zero gun training. Do you have any idea how stupid it would be to run around waving a pair of loaded guns around without knowing what the hell I was doing?"
>"Ah thought-"
>"It would be irresponsible, I mean I have awful judgement, see?"
>You draw a gun and point it at her. She jerks away tries to sidestep your aim
"Does this seem like the kind of thing someone with good judgement does?"
>"N-no, Anon, it-"
"No. Me having real bullets is an awful idea."
>You holster your gun and continue with the most compelling reason
"And, most importantly, gamma: Celesia confiscated the bullets and gave me these instead."
>The breaking in and ransacking of the evidence room had gone fine for about five minutes, until someone poked their head in to see what all the ruckus was.
>Trying to explain to a police officer why you're standing in a secure evidence room, stuffing a pair of guns and some boxes of ammo into a big sack is difficult at the best of times.
>It's even harder when you're dressed in a burglar outfit.
>And drunk.
>Hey, the costume shop was having a sale and it's not like Anon's ever going to miss a bargain...
>Or happy hour on the way to breaking into a police station
>Really, it reflects poorly on the Canterlot constabulary that you got as far as you did.
>Thankfully, you'd managed to get a message to Celestia who'd pulled some strings
>You realise Twilight and Applejack are staring at you
>Did one of them just say something? You weren't paying attention
"What?"
>"Twilight asked ya a question, Anon."
>You nod
"Yes, I'm sure she did."
>Now that you've got your guns out, you finally take a look around Appleoosa, the oppressive sun beating down on you like a cop beating down a jaywalking black guy
>Hmm...
>It looks like you were expecting; chokingly dusty high street, faded store fronts, all kinds of ponies wandering around, a big saloon on a street corner. A classic Western town.
>Buuuut...
>It's a little disappointing.
>There's no bandits having a tense stand-off in the street, no one being thrown through windows. The ponies wandering around are only kinda dressed like cowboys and there is neither old rag time piano music nor prostitutes coming from the saloon
>Not even a single 'Yee Haw'
>You rub your chin, wistfully
>Twilight's still looking at you expectantly, waiting for an answer to whatever she asked while you were expositioning to yourself
"0.3."
>"Huh?"
"I'd give this town 0.3 Wilds out of a possible 'Wild Wild'."
>She looks at you like you've just grown another head
"It's really more of a Mild West, you know?"
>"Anon, I was asking you-"
"I know, I shouldn't judge a book by its cover and all that, but... well, it's like if Disney World did the Wild Wild West, PG friendly, you know?"
>Twilight's face is deadpan, unfazed by your rant
"Is a shoot out really so much to ask for? Maybe even a snake oil salesman, just give me /something/ to work with."
>You stop, and a second passes
>"You done?"
"Needs more whores, too, another thing it has in common with Disney World."
>That about sums it all up
"I'm done."
>"Anon, I was asking if you wanted to get something to eat before we head off for the Apple's ranch."
>You laugh
"Eat!? I'm going to the saloon. There has to be at least one wild wild cowboy in this "W" town."
>Twilight just shakes her head, and Applejack shoulders her luggage
"W town... get it? W is 0.3 of a 'Wild'"
>It's really a 0.25 of a wild, but you're sure Applejack is innumerate and Twilight probably doesn't care enough to correct you
>Before they can say anything, you stick your thumbs in your belt and mosey off, heading for the saloon.
>The least you can do is get drunk and bring a little good old fashioned Anon wildness to this town.

>You enter the saloon and are unpleasantly surprised to find it mostly empty, with only a dozen ponies peacefully drinking
>Where's the fightan?
>You sidle up to the bar and order a whiskey
>That's a cowboy drink, right?
>Or is that a pirate thing?
>No, pirates are rum.
>Before you get the chance to down it, an elderly stallion walks up to you, his mane flecked with grey
>"Welcome to Appleoosa, friend."
>You ignore him, and knock back your whiskey
>Getting hit on by old stallions isn't your idea of a good time.
>You need at least another couple of drinks before you'd enjoy that
>"Whew, you ain't half got a mean streak."
>Apparently ignoring him and enjoying your drink makes you a badass
>"Reckon you got a few stories to tell, stranger."
>You nod
"This'um cowboy's got a whole lotta stories ta tell... if'n ya buy me a drink."
>The stranger laughs, but he orders you another drink
>Perfect
>Your accent can't be that bad if a genuine cowboy bought it
>Now you just need a story to tell.
>A cowboy story.
>Can you summarise Red Dead Redemption in five minutes?
>Christ, all you can remember from that game is getting the shit shot out of you at the end, and the zombie expansion pack.
>They're hardly the kind of stories you can steal for your own
>Desperately, you cast your mind back through every form of media you can think of for a quick Western story.
>There's a free drink riding on this
>Like a bolt from the blue, inspiration strikes
>You clear your throat, and begin
"To the town of Agua Frida rode a stranger one fine day..."
~
"... but he made one fatal slip, when he tried to match the ranger with the big iron on his hip."
>By now, the dozen ponies that were here originally are around you, listening carefully to your story
>Plus another dozen have wandered in since you started, joining the crowd halfway through
>One of the new joiners interjects, having obviously missed the first part of the story
>"Big iron on his hip?"
>"Big iron on his hip." Another pony confirms
>You nod sagely
"Big iron on his hip."
>The small crowd falls into an awed silence, and you take the opportunity to finish your drink
>A pony pipes up
>"This stranger... you're not telling a story about yourself, are you?"
>You shrug, and gesture at your guns
"I'm not saying I am, but I do have a big iron on my hip..."
>An excited murmur runs through the crowd
"I've got plenty more stories like that... if there's more drink to be had"
>For a split second second, the ponies stand in silence
>"I wanna hear more! Get me two whiskies!"
>You grin.
>Awesome.

>Something wet and cold hits you, like a whole body bitch slap
>You shoot upright, coughing and sputtering
>A dull pain throbs through your head and your stomach does more flips than an acrobat at the Olympics
>Fighting back the urge to throw up, you groan
"Too much whiskey..."
>Someone clears their throat
>Applejack and Twilight are standing over you. Twilight looks annoyed, but Applejack looks a lot angrier
>She's holding a bucket, too
>"You! Whadda ya got ta say fer yerself?"
>So. Something happened last night, something that's pissed off both ponies
>You take a second to take in your surroundings
>Some kind of barn, with a comfy looking pile of hay in the corner.
>Unfortunately, your drunk ass just passed out in the middle of the floor
>That can't be good for your back
"Uh, I'll be honest. Last night was a bit of a blur. You know; new town, new faces and a whole load of new experiences. Why don't you fill me in on the key details?"
>Applejack puts the bucket down, and Twilight frowns
>"Remember how you were in the saloon while we got dinner last night?"
>You nod
>"Remember when we came to get you, and half the town was crammed inside, listening to your ridiculous stories?"
"Uh... I remember getting bought a lot of drinks..."
>"And remember how you kept implying you were a federal agent?"
"That sort rings a bell..."
>"Hmm, it should. Do you remember what I said on the train on the way in?"
"You know, you said a lot of things, and some of them I listened to-"
>"I said we needed to keep a low profile, Anon. That we had to maintain the element of surprise over the bandits."
"Low profile. We kept a low profile, right?"
>Applejack gives a sarcastic 'ha'
>"Me an' Twi' did, Anon-"
"So that's good news. Great work."
>"-we /did/ until you climbed on a table and told the whole town 'Duh, I'm Anon, and I'm a big ole cowboy lawman here to bring all the bandits to justice'."
>Shit.
>You hope you didn't tell the town that
"Are you adding the 'duh', or did I really say that?"
>Twilight stomps a hoof
>"The bandits know we're here now!"
>You shrug
"You know, the element of surprise is overrated anyway. If it was all that great, it would be one of the elements of harmony, wouldn't it?"
>You shiver as a drop of cold water runs down your back
>"We had a plan, Anon! We were going to wait for them to attack and take them by surprise!"
>You shrug
"So? Just make a better plan. Like, we dig a great big moat around the ranch... I assume these cowboys can't swim."
>Or is it pirates that can't swim?
>Twilight groans
>"The ranch's seventy miles around, Anon."
"So dig a seventy mile moat, what do you want from me?"
>"Where would we get water to fill it!? This is a desert!"
"Just fill it with snakes or cactuses or whatever."
>Applejack puts a hoof on Twilight's shoulder to calm her
>"'s alright, Twi. We all know it's a stupid idea."
>Bitch. There are few plans that wouldn't be improved with the addition of a moat
"If you're not going to offer constructive criticism, maybe you shouldn't say anything at all."
>She ignores you
>"We jus' have ta adapt, ya know?"
>Twilight nods, apparently pacified somehow
>"You're right, AJ. It's just a slight hiccup."
"So. After you made me spend the night in the barn, are we all square?"
>Applejack shakes her head
>"Ain't nopony made ya sleep in the barn. After we dragged ya back from the saloon, y'insisted on sleepin' here. Said it's what a proper cowboy would do."
>Fuck.
>Your judgement was obviously clouded by alcohol
>It's pirates that sleep in barns.
>Maybe.
>Or was that hammocks?
>Damn, at what point did you get pirates and cowboys so mixed up?
>You just nod
"Well, yeah I /said/ that, but I was trying to be polite, you know? You should have insisted I stay in the house."
>"She did insist, Anon... it's just that were a lot /more/ insistent."
"You don't have to apologise on Applejack's behalf, I'm sure she's sorry."
>"Ah ain't-"
>You tussle Applejack's hat, dripping plenty of water on her
"Apology accepted. Now, what do cowboys get for breakfast around here?"

>It turns out cowboys eat apples and apple based foods.
>You guess that's Applejack's gimmick, she's a cowgirl who eats a lot of apples. Like the milky button kid. Just with apples instead
>The apples aren't even that good
>They're pretty small, and they've got marks and discolorations all over them. They taste ok, but you've had much better
>Guess that's what happens when you try growing fruit in the desert.
>After breakfast, the mares dismiss you so they can come up with a new plan
>They literally told you to go play cowboy in the town, since they're convinced you can't do any more damage than you already have.
>It'll probably take you about an hour to make them regret their decision, but hey.
>It's all good fun.

>Half an hour later and you're in town
>After about ten minutes walking, you'd looked up to admire the blue, desert sky. There had been a single cloud floating along, and you hadn't thought anything of it
>Another ten minutes and the cloud was there. Following you.
>Now you're in town, and it's still hovering there nonchalantly
>Fucking Twilight and Applejack. They were using you as bait, following you in the cloud
>Who else could it be?
>They must think they're so clever, sitting up there following you.
>Well, if they want bait, you'll give them bait
>You stroll through town, nodding at the locals
>It's funny, but there are a lot fewer ponies out and about today
>The few that do see you hurriedly rush inside, bolting their doors shut behind them, pulling the shutters at their windows closed.
>Now, some people would be concerned by this, but old cowpoke Anon just takes it in his stride
>You wave at a filly playing in the street. She stares at you in awe, and raises a hoof to wave back
>Before she can, a mare rushes out of nowhere and sweeps her, up hurrying away with the child, glancing nervously over her shoulder
>You hope it's the kid's mother, because otherwise you just witnessed a kidnapping.
>Not really sure what else there is to do in this town, you make your way to the saloon.
>When you've finally passed through the empty streets and arrived the saloon, you're pleasantly surprised to see (and hear) it's busier than yesterday.
>Much busier.
>Raised voices and some old ragtime music drift out of the building.
>Must be that Sunday morning rush.
>You surreptitiously check the cloud's still following you before you straighten your belt, push your hat low over your face and step into the saloon

>The noise cuts out the second you step inside, the saloon doors swinging behind you.
>You're looking down, your face obscured by the hat
>A gentle breeze stirs the hem of your duster and you slowly raise your head
>Gotta look like a real cowboy.
>You scan the room
>There must be close to a hundred ponies here, almost all of them armed with a range of rifles, revolvers, wicked looking knives and even a couple of shotguns.
>Now this is more what you were expecting for the wild west
>Slipping your thumbs through your belt hoops, you stroll to the bar, the ponies in your way backing off
>Finally. Some recognition as a true cowboy
>Before you've even arrived, the bartender has poured you a double whiskey, glancing nervously between you and the patrons as he places it on the counter
>You take it and turn, scanning the room.
>With a nod to the ponies, you knock the drink back and slam the empty glass on the counter
>You smack your lips for your captive audience
"'Sup?"
>A long moment passes in silence before a stallion stands
>"You got some nerve showing your face around here, lawman."
>Huh
>What did you-
>Oh. Last night.
>Things probably got quite wild
>You know how bad you can get on a night out. While there's nothing more fun than a drunk Anon, there are also few forces of nature quite as devastating.
>That also explains why everyone was avoiding you like the plague.
>Especially that mare who dragged her kid off.
>If you had kids you wouldn't want them anywhere near you either.
>Whatever. Time to lay down the law.
>These ponies just need a little show of strength, that'll make them back down
"I got a lot more than nerve."
>You gently flick the duster back, showing your two six-shooters
>The tension in the room rises a few notches
>Giving a gruff chuckle, the pony that challenged you gestures around
>"There's over ninety ponies here. You got twelve shots. They teach you math in law school, lawman?"
>Oh, cool.
>You get it now.
>It's some kind of cowboy convention. That would actually explain why there are ponies here in bandannas, why they're all armed. Why this guy was being such a twat. They were all actors/cowboy enthusiasts.
"A bit. Mostly they teach us how to shoot loudmouths like you."
>The stallion narrows his eyes
>A bartender appears, and he gives your empty glass a quick top-up before vanishing again
"Let me tell you what I can do with twelve slugs."
>Every pony in the room watches intently as you pick up your now full glass, swilling it before knocking it back
>You slam the glass back down
"I can put one in each of the first twelve ponies that make a move for their weapons."
>A dozen hooves that were inching their way toward their guns stop, and pull back slightly.
>"Maybe you can. But then you get gunned down by the rest of us."
>You shrug
"The question is, which twelve ponies are brave enough to make the first moves."
>The stallion chuckles again, but there's a slight edge to it, like he's not quite sure about laughing
>"You're standing in a room with the ninety most dangerous outlaws in the West, and you reckon you can outdraw twelve of them?"
>Outlaws?
>You shake your head
"Not twelve. I can outdraw all of you. I can only kill the first twelve."
>A terse silence falls over the room
>Maybe this convention does re-enactments. That would explain why all the ponies here are bandits
>Heck, there are probably another ninety at the police station waiting to get started
>Maybe you should mosey over there now
"Well. I've had my drink, and now I'm heading off."
>A few ponies stand up, a voices rising
>"You ain't walking out that door."
>"Not so fast, partner."
>You resist the urge to roll your eyes
"I'll do you all a kindness. You have until the end of the day to make yourselves scarce. Leave town, and don't come back."
>"Or what?"
"Or I'll be turning in ninety bounties tomorrow morning."
>There's another heavy silence
"Reckon some of you'll want to pay me a visit before you go. I'll be at the Apple Ranch out of town."
>The stallion who was talking earlier, the one you're thinking of as their leader, shakes his head
>"What, we pay a visit to the ranch and on the way get jumped by your deputies?"
>Deputies?
"Applejack and Twilight?"
>"Your deputies, the mares you arrived with yesterday."
>Oh. You're a bit surprised that they know so much about you and when you arrived
"They're not my deputies. More like..."
>Fans? Groupies?
>No... damn, you've forgotten the word
>You wave a hand vaguely
"They're really junior employees, you know? What's the word?"
>A scarred earthpony with crossed bandoleers and a great big moustache volunteers an answer
>"Apprentices?"
>Shaking her head, a mare answers before you get the chance
>"No, apprentices are learning a trade, and this isn't a trade"
>You nod
"It's along the right lines, though."
>"Interns?"
>"No, interns are unpaid."
>"Maybe these are unpaid?"
>You shake your head
"They're paid"
>More ponies join the conversation, with several smaller discussions breaking out around the room
>The pony who was acting as the leader earlier is glaring daggers at you, possibly because you're causing the 'murderous bandits' to break character
>"You can have paid interns."
>"Yeah."
>"I thought they were always unpaid, by definition."
>"Nah, my cousin did an internship out in Manehatten and got paid for it."
>"Oh, fair enough"
>"Is that the cousin who works as a seamstress or something?"
>"Yeah, I think she's actually designing-"
>You've heard enough of this, so you cut in
"So, can we all agree that they're paid interns?"
>There's a murmur of agreement from the room
"Good."
>Why were you talking about interns?
"What was the question, again? Something about coming out to-"
>"Getting ambushed"
"-getting ambushed on the way to the, uh... the ranch?"
>Oh, that's it. They thought you were going to set up a trap for them or something
>You just shrug
"I wouldn't worry about it. There's ninety of you, and only two of them."
>You sweep your eyes across the room
>It's funny.
>Now you think about it, these ponies are taking their roles pretty seriously for a convention
>A lot of scars are almost real, and the smell is pretty bad too. Almost like they've been living wild for a while.
>The leader of the ponies, or at least the one who was being the most vocal from the start, stands
>"And there's only one of you, and Quickhoof Joe doesn't back down from anyone."
>Quickhoof Joe? That name sounds familiar. Is his character based on a real pony outlaw?
>This guy's big, with a realistic scar down his face...
>Almost a little /too/ realistic
>A couple of other ponies around the room rise too.
>Something about their expressions worry you
>Their cutie marks are, now you pay attention, all depictions of violent crimes
>...
>Shit.
>These ain't no squirrelly amateurs.
>They're the real deal.
>A group of ninety actual bandits.
>You fight back a smile
>Actual, real bandits!
>Maybe this west isn't so mild after all!
>This could get messy... gotta play it carefully
"We've already all agreed on why you shouldn't attack me now, so-"
>"We ain't agreed on nothing, lawman"
>You shoot him a cocky grin, remembering that Twilight and Applejack were following you in the cloud.
>You're perfectly safe.
"I think we can all agree ice-cream is pretty great, huh?"
>You get a couple of nods, but Quickhoof Joe stamps a hoof
>"I'm lactose intolerant, you piece of shit!"
>Damn. Worth a try, though
"You know, I think we should rearrange this for another time, my diary's pretty full-"
>"What's wrong, lawman? Lost your nerve?"
>You chuckle
"It's in my other trousers, why don't you all wait here, and I'll nip back to-"
>"Way you were flapping your mouth last night, we all thought we'd need every single bandit to put aside their differences to take you out."
>On one level, that's pretty flattering. On another, completely awesome
>These bandits think you're a real badass? Time to show them a little bit of your steel.
"You think you can take me, that's your mistake."
>You nod down to your waist, where your guns are
>The pony snorts, shaking his head.
>"Your guns are holstered back to front."
>Shit.
>It's not like they came with instructions
"Maybe it's backwards to a rookie like you. Only Big Mac bad-daddy boss men wear them this way."
>Joe shakes his head
>"Bullshit."
"Ever hear of Lightning McGee? Or Luke 'The Flash' Quickshot? Or..."
>You hesitate, having already ran out of cowboy sounding names to use
"... Nathan... 'Deadshot'...McGee?"
>Joe just grins
>"You said McGee twice."
"They were brothers. Or maybe cousins or something. Point is, they were the best, and they all wore their belts backwards. Like me, Ole Cowpoke Anon."
>"If they were the best, how come I've never heard of them?"
>You have no answer for that, so you just roll your eyes like it's the stupidest thing you've ever heard
"I'm not even going to justify that with an answer."
>Joe shrugs
>"I'm getting bored of this. How about we see how many bandits a loner can take out before he gets pumped full of lead."
"Spoiler alert: it's twelve."
>Joe just shoots you an evil stare. You return an indifferent one.
>The tense silence is split by the sound of the saloon doors swinging open
>"He's not alone."
>Halle-fucking-lujah
>Here's Twilight 'OP' Sparkle, ready to do a magic spell to knock out every outlaw, or something
>You don't really know how magic works, but that sounds like the kind of thing she could.
>You give Joe a smug grin, the turn to...
>A stranger standing in the saloon entrance
>It's a light brown pegasus mare, wearing a duster. There's a repeater slung over her shoulder
>She looks... familiar
>There are gasps from around the room
>"Jessica Colton!?"
>Oh, yeah. The Coltons. They were the dynamic duo who tried to rob your train
>Guess those bandanas do work. Kind of. Took you a minute to recognise her...
>You hadn't really been paying attention during the attempted robbery anyway
>The mare swaggers into the room
>Several of the bandits shuffle nervously, backing away from her
>Where in the name of the sweet baby Jesus were Twilight and Applejack?
>"I've been meaning to have a little chat with the Marshall. Unsettled business."
>Wow. Out of the frying pan, huh?
>Also, you guess you're a marshall now
>Joe doesn't look impressed
>"Oh no, we've all got business with Anon. You can wait your turn."
>The mare spins her repeater over her shoulder and fires in one smooth movement
>Joe's hat goes flying off and everyone in the room jumps
>Apart from Joe, who just narrows his eyes at her
>He didn't even flinch. Damn, this nig be cold
>"Why'd you want to talk to him so much? And where's your stallion?"
>She doesn't reply, just nods to you
>"Outside. Now."
>Everyone's attention returns to you
>You shrug
"Sho' thing"
>You outsmarted (kind of) this mare before. And it's better to be with one outlaw than with ninety, right?
>You saunter to the exit, the mare, Jessica, watching you carefully
>What kind of pony name is Jessica Colton anyway? It's practically a regular old name.
>As you pass Joe, he hisses at you
>"Whatever's left of you after Jessica's through with you, lawman..."
>He leaves the sentence hanging, an unspoken threat
>You stop
>Time to push your luck
"Yes?"
>He blinks
>"What?"
"Whatever's left of me... what?"
>"Well... you better hope there's not enough for us to get our hooves on."
>You cock your head
"Why not?"
>"We're going to kill you!"
"What if Jessica kills me first?"
>"Then we'll..."
"Jesus! Are you going to fuck my corpse!?"
>"What, no! I-"
>You burst out laughing, turning to the rest of the bandits
"This guys wanted to fuck my corpse!"
>Joe's face goes red
>He turns to the room
>"Tonight, at sundown! We'll pay the Apple ranch a little visit."
>Oh.
"What, to buy some apples?"
>He practically blows a fuse
>"No, you fucking idiot!"
>Jessica clears her throat
>Shit, probably want to stay in her good books
>You snap you fingers in Joe's face, then spin on your heel
"Don't hate the playa."
>With that, you stroll past Jessica and out of the saloon. She keeps her eye on you the whole time, which is a shame.
>You'd planned on just making a break for it.

>The two of you walk down the dusty main road, turning a few corners
>Jessica doesn't say a word, but her gun doesn't waver from you the whole time
>You scan the sky, looking for that lone cloud
>Where are AJ and TS?
>You'll think of a name for the pair later. AJarkle? TappleSpack?
>Eh, they're probably nearby. Besides, you can handle this filly, no problems.
>You're a mean, lean, cowboy machine, after all!
>Well, you're mean, at least.
>You've crossed most of Appleoosa by the time Jessica finally talks
>"Before I say anything else, lawman, can you grant me a pardon? For all my crimes?"
>What does she think you are, a princess?
>You can no more grant her a pardon than you can lick your own arsehole.
"I absolutely can."
>She relaxes a fraction
>You like where this is going
>Get her guard down, twat her with a big rock or something then make a break for it.
>"What's your name, lawman?"
"My friends call me Anon, but you can call me Mr Anonymous."
>"Lawman Anon..."
>Uh...
>"I've been thinking about you, Anon."
>Uhhhhh...
>This is definitely not how you were expecting this would go
>You stop, and gaze into the Marie's eyes
"Me too, Tess."
>Her eyes widen, her face reddens slightly
>"Actually, it's Jes-"
"I think about myself all the time."
>You straighten your hat, turning from her as you keep walking
>Jessica hurries to catch up
"You know, I wouldn't be exaggerating if I said most people probably spend all day thinking about me."
>You would, of course, be exaggerating.
>The mare's no longer holding her gun to you. A little longer, and you'll have her right where you want her.
>She glances up to you
>"Can I tell you a story, Anon?"
>You nod
"Sure, but if it's long or boring I might stop paying attention."
>The two of you stop again, and she shuffles uncomfortably
>When Jessica finally talks, it's hesitantly. You get the impression that she's never told anyone what she's about to tell you
>"I've never told anyone this before, but I hate being an outlaw, Anon. I always have."
>Nailed it. You're good.
>"I hate always moving, I hate living in fear, I hate the loneliness..."
"Didn't you have your, uh... brother slash lover?"
>Her face wrinkles
>"You mean Rain Dancer?"
>Rain dancer? Like the Sundance kid? Is that too much of a stretch?
>You can never tell with pony names.
>"He's not my brother or my lover, he's an idiot who used to follow me around. He's the one who dragged me into all this."
>She takes a moment to calm herself
>"You know what my first crime was, Anon?"
"Shoplifted a KitKat?"
>She shakes her head
>"I've always been nervous around other ponies, I'm quite shy."
"That's not a crime... is it?"
>You're suspicious.
>Shy doesn't describe someone who just calmly rescue you from a group of bandits, after all
>She shakes her head at your disbelieving look
>"Back there, or when we robbed a train, it was all an act. I'm Jessica Colton, feared outlaw! But it's not me. Inside, I'm just a scared little filly who wants to go home."
>Christ. You thought cowboy back stories were a little less... boring? Sad?
>"My first crime, Anon, I-"
"Jaywalked? Littered? Did a double homicide?"
>"I robbed a bank! By accident!"
>You stare at her
>How do you rob a bank by accident?
>Now, you've been in a few ridiculous situations. Accidentally stopping a load of assassins, getting a ghost to join your poker games, that thing with the giant ants. The time you died.
>And you still don't think you've done anything as outlandish as robbing a bank by accident.
"How. Tell me how."
>It's not even a question. It's just... a statement. You need to know
>Again, Jessica shuffles uncomfortably
>"I was on the way back from a shooting competition. I'd just earned my cutie mark."
>She twists to show you her mark, a picture of a target with a single bullet hole in the middle
>You examine her flank
"Nice. And the cutie mark's good too."
>She seems to be too wrapped up in telling her story to register that compliment
>"Rain Dancer had come with me, our ma's had always been friends and they'd kind of made us hang out. The competition was in another town, and I needed to get some money from the bank for a train ticket home..."

~

>A bell tinkles as the bank door opens
>The handful of ponies present glance over, but freeze when they spot a young mare standing in the doorway, rifle slung over her shoulder
>She stands in silence for a second, her face flat as she stares at the ponies
>Suddenly she jumps forward, raising the gun over her head, a panicked look in her eye
>"I'M JESSICA COLTON, FINEST SHOOTER THIS SIDE OF APPLEOOSA!"
>The ponies all hit the floor as she waves the gun around
>A stallion walks in behind her, scanning the scene, his face wrinkled in deep thought
>The mare rushes toward the counter, still waving her gun
>A cashier flinches away, and begins to open the safe
>"I WANT SOME MONEY, PLEASE!"
>The cashier passes over a bag of notes, which the mare snatched
>"THANK YOU"
>The stallion, who doesn't look too bright, finally opens his mouth
>"This is a robbery!"

~

"Wait, wait, wait... what the fuck!?"
>Jessica doesn't meet your eye
"You waved your gun around and shouted!?"
>"I'd just won a shooting competition and earned my cutie mark! I was excited! And I was never good with crowds anyway!"
"Five isn't a crowd!"
>Hold on... no, wait. It is. Two's company but three's a crowd. So five's a company crowd?
"Anyway, why did this Rain Prancer-"
>"Dancer."
"-this Rain /Dancer/ tell everyone you were robbing them?"
>"He's an idiot! He thought, I dunno, that he could get some money. After that, it was a case of going town to town, taking what we needed."
>You frown
>Something doesn't add up.
"On the train, when we first met..."
>Jessica's eyes widen and she leans toward you slightly
>"...yes?"
"Didn't you say something about getting the others, and the gold?"
>Jessica fidgets
>"I lied."
>You nod
"Well, obviously. I mean, robbing a bank by accident, that's just-"
>"Not about that! About the others, and the gold! So much of an outlaw's survival depends on their reputation. Plus, if you thought there were more than just us two, it might have thrown you off our tracks."
>Huh
>If she thought all that up on the spot, that's pretty impressive
>On the other hand, this could all be a complete lie now
>Jessica looks up at you, expectantly
"Well. That was a fascinating story."
>At this point, you're past caring whether she's telling the truth or not, you have bigger concerns.
>Twilight and Applejack STILL haven't showed up, their cloud is nowhere in sight
>Are they still mad at you for ruining their stupid plan?
>Did they ever even leave the ranch at all?
>What were they thinking, leaving you unattended like this?
>There's going to be a reckoning when you find them.
"I'm going to head back to the Apple ranch and give Twapple Spack a piece of my mind. Thanks for saving me."
>Jessica just smiles at you
>"No Anon, thanks for saving /me/."
>You resist the urge to cringe
"Uh, yeah. Sure. So... you coming with me? We could probably use the extra firepower."
>Or the extra cannon-fodder
>Jessica nods eagerly
>"I'm with you, Marshall!"
"Yeah, sure."
>Well. You hope Applejack and Twilight will appreciate how much you went through because of them.
>They probably won't, but at least you've managed to get all the bandits to come to the ranch at sundown.
>That's got to be the perfect setup for a trap or something.
>Your stomach grumbles
>It's almost midday, and you've got a bit of a walk ahead of you.
>Lunch back at the ranch, you guess.
>You hope it isn't more apples.