You meet him in a room with clouds painted onto the walls. He is a beautiful, angelic thing with large eyes, pouty lips, and gangly legs. He is awkward in his movements, and there is nothing graceful about him as he falls to the floor.

“Let me help you,” you say, and place a hand on his arm. He's all soft, with baby-like skin, and you wonder how old he is. He doesn't shrink underneath your touch, but his bangs cover his eyes and he looks at the ground, refusing to meet your eyes. “Just move like this -” you slowly extend his arm and then push his waist to the left “- and then step back to the drum beat of the music. Got it?”

He flushes, bows, and smiles. He still doesn't look at you. “Thank you, hyung.”

“What's your name? I'm Junsu.” You try and sound welcoming, polite, as any good sunbae or trainee should sound.

“Changmin,” he replies. His voice is quiet and high. He plays with his fingers, pressing his thumbs together in a tune only he can hear.

You place a finger underneath his jaw and tilt his face upwards so you can see his eyes.

They're stunning.

-

Changmin is an interesting boy. He is focused in what he does, but aloof when it comes to the prospect of actual work. Changmin cannot dance, nor is he particularly good at singing, he does not dress well, and he stumbles through practices like he doesn't know why he's there.

You realise later that he doesn't.

-

Sometimes, Changmin joins you and Hyukjae and Sungmin for lunch. Other times he joins Yunho, Jaejoong, Youngwoon and Heechul. And there are rare times when he takes his own table in the cafeteria all for himself and eats an amount of food meant for five, not one.

Changmin is lonely, you think. He isn't easy to talk to, and he doesn't approach anyone. Nobody looks at him, and he doesn't look at anybody. He comes to practice, eats dinner, and then leaves every day. The times he does sit with you and your friends, he is quiet and barely speaks.

You touch him, sometimes. Just a brush of the shoulder when you reach over to grab the ketchup, or patting him on the back to congratulate him on the improvement of his voice. He never flinches, never moves away, but never responds to you other than a small “thanks.”

Today, Changmin is sitting with Four Seasons. You stab your fork into your pork as you see Changmin talking and laughing with them, and you childishly wonder what they have that you don't.

-


After much debate between Jaejoong, Yunho, and their manager, you guys finally choose a name. “동방신기” or “Rising Gods of the East.” You’re going to be the next H.O.T, the next Shinhwa, their management says. You can only hope.

Jaejoong is given the position of lead singer. You have to bite your tongue not to protest out of jealousy. Yoochun is crowned lead rapper, which is no surprise because the only other contestant is Yunho and when he raps he spits. Yunho, unsurprisingly as well, gets lead dancer.

You and Changmin are left to float around. Be useless. You are the “back-up singers” and “back-up dancers”. You get more lines than Yunho and Yoochun, but less than Jaejoong. You dance more than Jaejoong and Yoochun, but less than Yunho. You don't rap at all.

You are just there.

After all those years of practice, you wonder if this is what you want.

You look over at Changmin. He's shaking hands with Jaejoong, and you feel a little happiness inside of you to know Changmin is jealous of him too.

Your happiness is gone when Changmin looks over to you and simply nods, a small, sad smile on his face.

-

One day you walk in on hyungs smoking. You've moved into their newly furnished dorm now, and there's a strict “no smoking” rule applied. Jaejoong has never been one for rules, however, and he drags out his closest friends often onto the balcony to smoke with him. You run into them often.

“Once we debut, I won't get this freedom. Manager-nim may get mad at us now, but once we debut, the world will get mad at us for doing something we can't help. I'll take as many opportunities as I can now,” Jaejoong says wistfully. Jaejoong has always had an interesting way of words.

It is the first time, however, that you see Changmin with them. He is simply standing there, breathing in the second-hand smoke with a hand to his chest, but he is there and that alone aggravates you.

“What are you doing?” you yell and pull Changmin away from them. Yoochun and Yunho look scandalized. Jaejoong watches you with a controlled expression.

“H-Hyung!” Changmin gasps and pushes you off. “What are you doing?!” he screams. He is passionate in his words and you recoil a bit from the fierceness of them. Changmin has never spoken so loudly to you.

“Why are you smoking with them?” you ask, and you know Changmin is going to jump on your words when you say them. You have learned through the rumor mill that Changmin can be quite fiesty, even if he isn't around you. Until now.

“Do you see a cigarette between my fingers?” the maknae retorts, but you suddenly feel the maknae under his gaze. He is tall and his arms are crossed and the darkness of the night floods in from behind him. “You aren't a saint, hyung. You don't have to watch over me like they're going to hurt me.”

You take a step back and then run to your bedroom. You slam the door, lock it, and then fall onto your bed with a tired heap. Your legs hurt, and the bed feels stiff and uncomfortable.

“I didn't mean to,” you whisper, and cry.

You wonder where you went wrong with this kid.

-

You get over it eventually. So does he. You go back to carrying one-sided conversations with him while he simply nods to show he's listening.

There is something different, however.

Changmin seems to be more comfortable with you, which is odd, because you feel the exact opposite. You stumble over your words sometimes, and the rare times he does speak long sentences to you, you remember his voice harshly telling you to back off. But sometimes, he puts a hand on your arm or glances down when your thighs touch. It is acknowledgement you had never received before now, and you don't know how to react to it.

The night before the group's debut, he pulls you away from the dinner celebration with a letter in his hands. He shoves it into your arms and then scurries off into Jaejoong's welcoming hug back in the kitchen.

Later when you're alone, you open the package. Inside is a letter, and your hands shake as you read it.

I'm sorry I snapped at you, hyung.
I'm just scared, and sometimes you confuse me.
But it's not your fault.
Let's start over, okay?
Changmin

You should have known Changmin would be on edge come near their debut. You don't know why he's not excited to debut, but he isn't, and you honestly didn't mean to invoke any fear in him. Nerves are normal, but Changmin seems dubious at even the idea of you all performing together. You silently attribute this to his youthfulness, even if he is only a year or so younger than you.

You flip the paper over and smile at what you see. A tacky, childish drawing of a dolphin, the animal Yoochun always compares your voice to. An arrow is pointing at the dolphin and “you” is scrawled on top of it.

You slip the note underneath your pillow and smile as you fall asleep.

-

The group debuts and it's beautiful.

You sing your first single, Hug, and then with BoA-sunbae. You aren't close to her, nor do you particularly like her but she's at least civil to him and the oldest hyungs enjoy her company. You all go out for dinner after.

The management and staff shake hands down the line, complimenting the group on a job well done. You're last, and your manager grasps your hand tightly and smiles at you, a bigger and more proud smile then you've ever seen on him before. You feel happiness swell in your heart and for the first time since you've been put in this group, you feel like you belong here.

You look down the line at Changmin, who's being patted on the back by Yunho. You walk over and place a hand on his shoulder. New beginning, right? you think to yourself. He looks a bit surprised.

“You did well, Changmin-ah,” you say. His entire face lights up and your grip on his shoulder becomes a little bit tighter.

He bows his head and then smiles shyly at you. “Thanks, hyung,” he mumbles. Still so quiet. You wonder if it's always going to be like this.

Yoochun puts an arm around you and Jaejoong and laughs. “Party up, boys!”

-

You aren't sure how to react when the group is actually successful.

You never had any doubts, per say, that you guys would flop but this - this is overwhelming, and you can see it taking its toll on the members. Your plans are suddenly made for the day, and you have no idea how the hours of sleep you guys get dwindled down from seven, six, five, to four.

You find time to sleep anywhere you can. In the bus, in between interviews, on the way to awards shows.

One time, Changmin sits beside you. This is a rare occurence as Yunho and Jaejoong have made themselves happy by coddling the maknae in between them, while Yoochun drags you to the back to play cards with. But he shoves his way in between you and Yoochun on the bus like nobody's business and makes himself comfortable.

It's a long bus ride from Seoul to the country for a fansigning, and you honestly wonder what brought this on. Changmin is a mysterious boy, and every time you think you have him down, he contradicts your thoughts.

Changmin joins you guys in cards that day, and not to your surprise, he's amazingly good at it. You've already learned he's incredibly intelligent, and sometimes you even wonder what he's doing in a singing group, but you don't push his trust in you.

An hour after you guys stop playing cards, you start to feel the usual achey, tired feeling creep up on you. You look over at Changmin. He's dozed off, his neck awkwardly hanging to the side, but not quite touching your shoulder. It looks painful. You gently place a hand against his face and bring him over so his head is resting on you. He moves just a bit closer to you after, and you smile while looking at him.

He's so precious.

You don't notice Yoochun watching you intently from his other side.

-

July 16, 2004 is a date you will always remember.

It is otherwise insignificant except for the time you share with Changmin that day. You do an interview at a radio station in Busan and a long photoshoot outside for your upcoming single.

It is, however, the day that Yunho and Jaejoong get into their first big fight.

It's over something incredibly small and ridiculous, but they're both on edge. The fight escalates from being about Jaejoong's little-bit-too-spicy soup to being about how “you aren't the leader Jaejoong, you're not allowed to go bossing us around!”

Fists are thrown, and they push each other to the couch. You take a step back and instinctively shield Changmin with your arm. He touches it gently and drags you to the bedroom as Yoochun calls the manager. A few minutes later, you hear him enter the living room and start yelling at them. Yoochun doesn't join you.

“I'm glad they're fighting now. It's been imminent for a long time,” Changmin muses. You turn sharply towards him.

“Really?” you ask before you stop yourself.

Changmin smiles at him. “You haven't noticed?” You shake your head. “Tsk, you're really out of it, hyung.”

You try and look offended even though it's true. You find your place on stage easily enough now, but in between the teasing and the awkward, civil conversations, you're still confused as how you fit in outside the stage.

“They've been sending each other snarky remarks for the past few days. Ah... what's between them is really special.” He has this look in his eyes like he knows a secret. You remember when you first saw those eyes. He's made quite a bit of progress in himself since then.

“Special?”

“Special,” he hums. “Like us.”

You don't ask him anything more, but he ducks underneath your arm as the voices from the living room get louder. They become a dull noise in the background, and eventually stop. You hear a door slam. Nobody comes into the bedroom that night.

“I'm really happy you're here with me, hyung,” Changmin mumbles into your arm. He falls asleep soon after.

Life gives you no time to ponder what this means.

-

Japanese is hard, you find out.

You study diligently, but it never comes to you. You stutter over your words and whenever the camera turns towards you, you forget everything you memorized. The others aren't so better, but you are obviously not the best. They tell you to try and keep quiet until you get better.

You trace katakana into a notepad to study, try and force the curves and swerves into your memory. Changmin sits down with you one day and laughs.

“What?” you ask, annoyed. You don't really understand anything you're writing down and quite frankly, you just want to throw your notepad out the window.

He puts a hand on your arm and gently guides you in the タ shape. “Like this, hyung.” He's so close, your shoulders touching, his chin barely touching the top of your shoulder. You look up at him and feel something odd in your chest. He's looking down, concentrated on getting the letter absolutely perfect.

You wonder if he remembers when you guided him, all those years ago, in the cloud-painted practice room.

“Do you understand now?” he asks, dropping your arm and looking back at you.

“Yeah,” you say. Changmin smiles, and it's not a small, barely-there smile like he usually gives you. It's big, with his teeth showing and his eyes mismatched.

It's quite possibly the most beautiful smile he's ever shown you.

-

It's the beginning of 2006 that everything seems to go against them.

After returning to Korea, you admit, you've slacked on your Japanese quite a bit. You regret this immensely as you go on Japanese shows and stutter your words, whisper to Yoochun beside you to help you speak. You're embarrassed and mad at yourself.

It only gets worse when the new album is officially released. It doesn't do very well. It's not like you guys expected for it to do as well as your Korean album, but...

It still hurts.

It hurts, thinking that the five-hundred people who turn up to your Tokyo fansigning could be the only fans you have.

Yoochun cries when their album is off the market and it only sold a few thousand. It's more that he bawls than cries. He holds his head in his hands and furiously wipes at his red face. Jaejoong brings him into a hug and whispers things into Yoochun's ear, looking a bit teary-eyed himself. Yunho looks at them like they're a foreign object and runs a hand through his hair.

Changmin is quiet up until Yunho starts crying.

“I think I'm going to go lie down,” he says and leaves. You look at the others, but you're not sure if they even heard him over their sobfest.

You wipe your own tears with your sleeve and follow him.

-

“Changmin-ah?” You push open the door to his bedroom and close it quietly behind you. He's facing the window, hunched over with his head pressed against his knees, completely unmoving. “Changmin?”

You move over to him and sit on the bed beside him. You put an arm around him and kiss the top of his head.

“It's okay. We'll get through this,” you say automatically. You hold yourself from bursting into tears. It's rare for you to take the role of a hyung, even around Changmin.

He turns his head towards you, his hair covering his face. You can just barely see his eyes. They're full of tears. “I just don't know if this is what -” he pauses and shuffles a bit away from you “- I just don't know if this is what I was meant to do.”

You straighten up in your spot remove your arm from him. “What do you mean?”

He looks at you, finally. Your breath hitches. He's crying, actually crying, tears streaming down his cheeks, his nose flushed red, his lips parted.

“Do you ever feel out of place, hyung? Like maybe you don't belong here?” Yes, you think, I do. “I'm not as handsome as Yunho hyung, not as pretty as Jaejoong hyung. Not a good singer as you or Jaejoong hyung, not a good composer as Yoochun hyung. Not a good dancer like the rest of you guys. I'm not sweet like you, talkative like Jaejoong hyung, or likable like Yunho hyung. I'm just... the maknae. That's all I am.”

And suddenly, you figure it all out.

“Changmin, Changmin-ah, Changminnie,” you whisper, heartbroken. You wonder how long he's felt like this. Felt... inadequate. Felt like he's not good enough. You've always known that his original calling wasn't performing, but you thought that had passed years ago. “Come here.”

He stiffly comes over to you and you bring his head to your chest. It's awkward, his legs all over the bed and his arms placed on your shoulders, but with his tears soaking your shirt, you can't bring yourself to care.

“You're not just the maknae. You're Changmin, with funny sense of snark. Changmin, with his cute smile and pouty lips, just as pretty as Jaejoong hyung or as handsome as Yunho hyung. Changmin, the maknae other groups only wish they had. Changmin, who works his hardest to get the dance moves right and it shows. Changmin, who writes beautiful lyrics. Changmin, with a stunning voice that can reach notes only Jaejoong hyung or I can dream of. You're not any of us, but you're Changmin, and that doesn't make you any less wonderful.”

His grip on you tightens just a bit. “Don't get too emotional, hyung.” His comment is only half-hearted though, and you breathe a small sigh of relief to know you at least cheered him up a little bit.

“Sometimes I feel like that too. I feel like I'm not good enough. But performing is enough for me. Singing and dancing on stage, even if I'm not the best at it. Seeing our fans smile, even if it's just a small amount of people compared to other groups, each smile means someone genuinely cares for us. Cares for our success. I think, as long as we stay together and stay true, we can do this. We can get through this part of our lives, I don't doubt it.” You're surprised at your own words, but the way Changmin curls into you gives you a sort of strength you've never felt before.

He moves back from you and looks down at the bed before moving in closer. You flash him a smile but he doesn't give one back, and your smile melts into a frown at his reaction.

“Changmin-ah?” You place a hand on his shoulder and -

He leans in and presses his lips against yours. It's quick and you barely feel anything, but it happened. Suddenly you feel really, really dizzy.

“Thanks for everything, hyung.”

You're alone.

-

It's only natural for you to pay attention to Changmin more after that. Or at least that's what you convince yourself.

You've never noticed how tall Changmin is. Or how he purses his lips when he agrees with something and crinkles his nose when he disagrees. Or how large his eyes are. You wonder if these are things everyone notices.

You wonder how long you've been missing out.

-

Changmin never mentions the kiss and neither do you. You've grown closer, though, and now he talks a bit faster, a bit louder, a bit more with you than before. He hugs you after shows and puts his hand on your thigh when you sit on the couch.

You want to ask him if this is his way of flirting, or if this is just him being comfortable with you. You don't see him touching Yunho or Jaejoong like this. Then again, the only people who touch Yunho and Jaejoong are Yunho and Jaejoong themselves.

You're confused, and you think you have a right to be. Because every time you look at Changmin you remember it, remember the feeling, remember him so close to you, and all you want to know is if he thinks about it as much as you do.

It hurts to remember something that may not be true.

-

You are not who people think you are.

If Xiah Junsu could be made up, it would only be 40% of you. You are positive and optimistic, yes, but you are not innocent. You are not gullible nor naive. You are not weak. Xiah Junsu is simply a glorified version of yourself, and sometimes you forget that. After long days of television shows and radios, it's hard to break out of your public persona.

You bounce on your heels as you make your way to the car. You send smiles to everyone who passes you. You sing a trot song only you know under your breath. You act like the sky is the most fascinating thing about Earth.

You feel a hand on your shoulder and spin around. “Junsu,” he says.

You stand up straight. You stop bouncing on your heels. You put on your sunglasses. You stop singing.

You look at Changmin like he is the most fascinating person on Earth.

And at that moment, he is.

-

When you finally find the success in Japan you dreamed of, it’s not like what you had expected.

You are greeted by thousands of fans with stacks of albums and your Japanese singles for you to sign. They speak slowly for you and you blush and smile and loudly say thanks for every person.

And then you are whisked to another place. Then another city. And then a concert. A television show. A plane.

You expected to be busy, but you could have never prepared yourself for this. The four hours of sleep that seemed to be nothing in 2006 now seem like a dream.

Yunho gathers you all up one day and sits you guys on the couch, his face concentrated and his lips pressed into a thin line. He looks tired and old. It's a wonder what makeup can do.

“We can do this,” he says. His voice doesn't waver. “This is what we've been looking forward to. All those thousands of people are our fans. They live for us and breathe for us and our music. We're good, guys. We're good, and we've finally made it, and we can't let them down.”

Jaejoong and Yoochun wipe tears with the back of their hands and you look down at your fingers. You know it's true. Every person you met today genuinely loved you and wanted the best for you. And the best for you is to see them happy.

“We can do this,” Changmin echoes.

You all nod in agreement.

-

You look at pictures from 2004 and then laugh. You guys look so different now. Jaejoong's features have gone from childish to beautiful. Yunho's teeth have been fixed and he's grown taller, more defined. Yoochun's smile has grown, and he looks older. You're probably the one that's changed the least. You still have that characteristic baby fat and your unique laugh from debut. The one that's changed the most...

Change is gradual, but looking at the timeline of pictures side by side, you can see when every little thing changed. He grew taller here. His jaw became sharper in this era. You remember bits and pieces from each time and you look back on your memories and ask, how did I not notice?

Now, it's hard to look at Changmin and see a child. Not now. Not when he's a man.

He's passionately debating with Jaejoong, which is what Yoochun calls their little fights. They’re not important in specifics, but Changmin and Jaejoong's bantering is what defines their relationship with each other. They've certainly come a long way since pre-debut, and not just the soulfighters, but all of them.

Yunho leans over your shoulder and points at his CD which has a little bunny in the corner. “You see that?” he says. “A fan drew that on her CD and then gave it to me. She said it's supposed to be me.” He pulls out another one. It's Heart Mind and Soul. Over your face is a sticker of a dolphin. “They're so creative.” You can hear the happiness in his voice and you laugh.

“Sending me hundreds of dolphin plushes is very creative, yes, hyung,” you agree. Yunho pats you on the back and excitedly goes to show Jaejoong.

Changmin nudges Yoochun in the shoulder as he walks towards you. “I see Yunho hyung showed you his favourite fans' CDs.” He smirks. “I hope you didn't tell him how lame they are. It might hurt his feelings. He's really excited about this.”

“This?”

“Our success, duh,” he clarifies. “Are you?”

“Yes. I'm excited. Are you?” Do you regret this still? you want to ask, but you know that would be insensitive.

He pauses before looking you in the eyes and grinning. “I've never been more excited for anything in my life.”

-

Going back to Korea after a year in Japan is frightening. It's safe to say that you're more popular in Japan than Korea. But when Mirotic hits the shelves, it's a hit.

It's more than a hit, really. It's your biggest hit ever. You're the first Korean group to sell more than 500,000 albums in six years. Suddenly you're getting promotional love calls from all over Asia. You've experienced success in Korea before - but this went beyond Korea and Japan. This was everywhere.

You work as hard as possible, Yunho's words echoing in your mind. You work until blood runs down your hands from one too many scrapes and your sweat creates puddles on the floor. You work until your bones ache and collapse underneath you. You work like you've quite honestly never worked before.

But watching the album sales go up and the tickets for their concerts selling out makes it all worthwhile.

You hold hands with Yoochun and bow as you look into a crowd of screaming fans wearing red t-shirts and holding red glowsticks, and you smile.

Because even if this wasn't what you had trained for - being pushed back into the position of “main vocalist” and “main dancer” instead of lead, going through two years of confusion and hardship in Japan - this is the time you've dreamed for, and the thought that you guys accomplished this together makes something akin to pride consume your entire being.

You exit the stage and take one last look at the crowd. You wave at a girl with a fanboard of your name and then leave, knowing you'll be back again one day.

-

The night that you win album of the year is the night everything comes crashing down.

You can hear Changmin crying, hear the quiver in Yunho's voice, hear Jaejoong's irregular breathing. You can hear the screaming and crying of Cassiopeia in the crowd and your legs shake. They shake as you walk off, too, and you almost collapse backstage.

Jaejoong brings you all into a group hug and laughs. All of you are crying, even him. “This is the dream, guys, and it's our dream.” Yunho lifts up the award and you all put your hand on it. “This is ours. We are Dong Bang Shin Ki!”

You go over to Changmin and pat his cheek. “Don't cry, Minnie,” you coo.

“You're crying too, hyung.” He laughs a bit but cries more. “I'm so happy. I was so worried.”

You hug him, your head on his shoulder and his arms around your waist. He quivers in your arms and his tears stain your shirt. You remember the only other time he's cried on you and hold him a bit tighter.

“Me too, Changmin-ah, me too.”

-

Yoochun, Jaejoong, and Yunho decide to stay out later to party with their idol friends. “Take care of Changmin-ah,” Jaejoong says and then pushes you two towards the black limo.

You close the door to your dorm and turn to Changmin. He's still sniffling a bit, his eyes red and his face flushed, but he's stopped shaking. He looks tired and half-asleep, so you gently push him to his bedroom. You tuck him in just like Jaejoong would do: pat down the corners of his sheets, make sure the temperature of the room is perfect, and sit down beside him.

“Sleep tight, Changmin-ah,” you say, then get up to leave. Changmin's grip on your wrist stops you.

“Junsu hyung,” his voice is loud. “Sleep with me tonight?”

You freeze and then nod. His sheets are comfy and worn, just like yours, except not like yours, because they smell like him. He puts his arm around you and rests his head on your chest and you awkwardly lie there, watching him. His eyes are closed. He puts one leg over yours and brings you closer.

“I'm really, really happy, hyung,” he whispers. He's asleep within moments. So are you.

-

Once there is a climax, there is a fall, and the success of their group is no different.

Going back to Japan is hard. Deciding on concepts after such a hit causes tension between the group, especially Yunho and Jaejoong. Yoochun openly agrees with Jaejoong while Changmin quietly sticks with Yunho. You like to stay out of the fights - you've survived years in the industry relatively sane, and fighting within your group isn't going to help that.

When the money from their Korean promotions is added to their bank accounts, it only gets worse.

“Look me in the eyes, Yunho!” Jaejoong screams. Yunho turns to the side and ignores him. “Yunho, look me in the fucking eyes!” He grabs Yunho's jaw and turns it towards him. “We made nothing, Yunho. After all that hard work, we made nothing. You can't look me in the eyes and tell me it was worth it.”

“It was,” Yunho says firmly.

Jaejoong slaps him and throws the bank paper on the floor. “You need to learn to be selfish, Yunho, or soon you may not have anything to be so proud about.” He slams the door as he leaves the apartment.

They don't talk for days.

-

When Avex makes you work even harder than SME, you find yourself wondering if Jaejoong is right.

You're standing on stage singing, but is it worth it? Is it worth this? You don't know. You don't know if you can live without TVXQ, without everything you've worked for. But you don't know how long you can keep doing this. Seeing the fights between the group get worse, you don't think it's very long before you guys all snap.

“I don't know why Jaejoong hyung is making such a big deal out of it,” Changmin says to you one day. “We're singing for our fans. They're happy, we're happy. We can do it for them.”

“Being selfish won't hurt you,” you answer.

Changmin gives you a weird look and drops the subject.

-

You can't say you're very surprised when Yoochun and Jaejoong gather you, Yunho, and Changmin up after curfew with a promise of big news.

“We want to sue SM Entertainment,” Yoochun says finally. You go still. You're not shocked, but it sounds different from how it sounded when you imagined them saying it in your head. Changmin breathes deeply beside you. He moves away from you and you fight the urge to pull him close.

Yunho stands up. “How do you propose we go about this?”

Jaejoong's smile is blinding.

-

Everything seems okay for a while.

Jaejoong and Yunho do most of the work on planning the execution of the lawsuit. They disappear for hours on end and then go straight to bed when they get back. Yunho only smiles at him and tells them they're making progress when you ask him what's going on. Just a few things we need to work out together and we'll present it to you guys, he says.

Changmin tells you it's unfair that only Yunho and Jaejoong seem to have a say in the lawsuit, but you tell him to have faith in them. “You trust Jaejoong hyung, don't you? You trust Yunho hyung? They won't let us down. We'll be TVXQ forever, but that doesn't mean we have to put up with mistreatment.”

Changmin only hums in reply and takes your hand in his. “We'll see,” he says, and you sigh. You hope he learns.

-

If Mirotic was the group's climax, then you are living the end of the fall right now. At the end of a course of three days, you crash.

It seemed to be going well. Your and Jaejoong's parents readily agreed to the lawsuit. Yoochun's gave their permission, but didn't become actively involved. It was convincing Yunho and Changmin's to join that was causing most of the trouble, even with Yunho advocating for them.

“I don't want to go through with this anymore.”

Jaejoong turns to Yunho and grabs him by the shoulders. “Who convinced you? Was it your mom? Was it Changmin's mom? Was it one of your friends here? Who was it, Yunho?” He's furious, betrayed, and sad. You can see it in his eyes. Yoochun gently touches your arm and you smile at him. He can't bring himself to smile back.

“It's my choice, Jaejoong-ah,” he says. “I just don't know if it's worth the consequences of leaving.”

“Anything is better than this Hell!” Jaejoong screams.

“That's where we disagree.” Yunho straightens up and pushes Jaejoong away from him. “I'm not going to let Cassiopeia and Big East down. Do you honestly think that even if we leave, they're going to give up the name of TVXQ? Do you think they're going to let us do anything? We signed those contracts years ago and now they control us, Jaejoong. And for the group, for the fans, I can't give this group up.”

Jaejoong pokes a finger to his chest. “They'll still love us. We'll still be able to perform.”

“But we won't, hyung. That's what he's trying to say,” Changmin speaks up. Jaejoong turns to him, his mouth agape. You wish you could go over there and stop this, stop them, but you can't fight for Yunho's cause. You know that. You could never do something that you don't feel passionate for.

“We need to take a chance. We took a chance in leaving our hometowns and coming to Seoul, didn't we? And it worked out. You're not going to get anywhere in life without taking risks,” Jaejoong says.

“I'm not going to risk my life for something that's not going to happen,” Yunho says. It's final.

“Well I am, are you?” Jaejoong looks over at you and Yoochun. Yoochun nods. He reaches down and grabs your hand. It's sweaty, clammy, warmer than usual.

“I am,” you say.

And you believe his words, you believe your own, and you believe in yourself.

When you look at Changmin, his face passive and emotionless, your only wish would be that he and Yunho believed too.

-

The group is divided after that.

At their last concert, they barely interact. Jaejoong stands as far from Changmin as acceptably possible. During Somebody to Love, Yunho and Changmin laugh and smile on one side of the stage. You, Yoochun, and Jaejoong stay on the other side.

It's the last time you sing these songs.

It's the last time you stand on that stage together.

Your only regret is that you're never going to be back like you promised.

-

You sit on the balcony with Changmin. Four days until Jaejoong, Yoochun and you file the lawsuit. Four days until you won't see Changmin every day, won't laugh with him, hug him, hear his voice in your ear.

“I like being in control of my future,” he says.

“Me too,” you say. “That's why I'm leaving.”

He looks at you and smiles. It's small. Like one of the smiles he gave you years ago, before you were close. You want to cry, and you can't help it when a few tears escape your eyes.

“We'll see each other again, we'll talk again,” you say. You look at the sky. It's dark outside. There are no stars in downtown Seoul.

“We will,” he answers.

“We'll be together again one day. As a group.”

He leans over and kisses your cheek. “If that's your dream, hyung, you can make it happen.”

-

Changmin leaves your life just as beautifully as he came in to it, except now there are no awkward movements and stuttered words. He's in control of himself now, he knows what he wants, and even though this is what he's been working towards all these years, you can’t help but feel a loss that he doesn’t need you anymore.

You grab your last box and turn towards Yoochun and Jaejoong.

It’s time to leave.

-

He doesn't call you and you don't call him.

-

(You catch news later from a friend of Jaejoong's via text message that Changmin has a girlfriend.

Jaejoong places a hand on your shoulder and ushers you over to where him and Yoochun are composing a song. A song for JYJ's first album.

You shut off your phone and you move on.)