[Advice] I dunno, Idako

This is an analysis of this piece by Idako, entitled, "Tor Story." http://pastebin.com/pbXAa743

Well, first of all, let's talk about etiquette. When writing anything formal, such as a post on 4chan or a story, you need to use proper punctuation and grammar. Not only does it look more professional, it shows that you actually care about your work. If you care about your work, you invite others to care about it too. Compare the two sentences:

>"ey bbz wan sum fuk"

>"Hey, babe. I think I know how to show you a good time. Shall we go back to my place and slip into something more... comfortable?"

Which seems more credible? The one with no punctuation, spelling or grammar? Or the one with it?

I bring this up because in this story you seem to lack punctuation. Let's take a look at your opening sentence.

>it was late, you were browsing /mlp/ and you came across a browser pony thread, thought it looked interesting

Firstly, sentences start with capital letters. Secondly, they end with punctuation. You haven't applied those rules to this line.

Thirdly, you've mixed up a couple of sentences here. As a writer it is your job to clearly convey concepts to readers. To do that you can split each of these lines up into their separate thoughts to help the story flow better.

Here's what I'd rewrite that line as:

>It was late.
>You were browsing /mlp/ and you came across a browser pony thread.
>You thought it looked interesting, and so you clicked and opened it up in a new tab.

Here I've split each of these thoughts up into their own separate line. In greentext each line ideally should be dedicated to a single action or thought. You can bundle actions together that take place at the same time, such as I have done in the 2nd and 3rd lines. Try not to do more than that if you're inexperienced at writing. Adding too many actions can clutter up the story and make it confusing.

Let's take a look at your second line.

>opened thread and found a picture of the browser you were using, Tor. hmmm, i wouldnt have expected it to be so.... dark purple, ah well, its just an artists renditio- *you were cut off by the sound of thunder outside your house* HOLY FUCK THAT WAS LOUD

Here we can see a few of your common mistakes which pervade the rest of the piece. Firstly,

>opened thread

That is incomplete. If you were to write it formally you would have to say,

>You opened the thread.

Next part:

>and found a picture of the browser you were using, Tor.

Good job! You got this part spot on. When you're referring to someone or something in the middle of a sentence you need to preface it with a comma. For example: "Could you please pass me that dragon dildo, Fluttershy?"

Next:

hmmm, i wouldnt have expected it to be so.... dark purple, ah well, its just an artists renditio-

What is this? This is where punctuation is your friend. This appears to be speech. In particular, it's Anon's speech. Speech goes in speech marks. This is how you can easily tell that it is speech. So, step one:

"hmmm, i wouldnt have expected it to be so.... dark purple, ah well, its just an artists renditio-"

Okay, that's a start. However, you need to capitalize on it!

"Hmmm, I wouldnt have expected it to be so.... dark purple. Ah well, its just an artists renditio-"

Okay, that's much better already. However, we're not done.
Elipses ("...") are groups of periods that signify a pause. They are a group of THREE dots. Not four. Not two. Three.
Showing possession in text is done with an apostrophe ('). If you are showing possession of an object you need to place an "'s" after the subject unless the subject's name ends in an s already. (Fluttershy's hoo-ha. James' bike.)

Applying those rules to this text transforms it into...

"Hmmm, I wouldnt have expected it to be so... dark purple. Ah well, its just an artist's renditio-"

That is how you do speech. Now, there are some further rules about speech in greentext. Because greentext is told in the second person, the person who is telling the story does not need a > prefacing their lines. This applies to whoever is telling the story, not just Anon. In this story Anon IS telling the story, so he doesn't need a >. Anyone else in the story will need one. Technically this line is fine as it is. Let's move onto the final part now.

>*you were cut off by the sound of thunder outside your house* HOLY FUCK THAT WAS LOUD

Ok, this is another amalgamation of a couple of sentences. Now, I do understand why you've used asterisks here. They are often used in messaging and forum posts to denote actions. However, this is unnecessary in stories since narration describes events already. All this "action" requires is a bit of reworking to make it suitable for narration.

>A clap of thunder interrupted your monologue.

I've worded the line like this because it's tedious for readers to keep reading "You _____ed _____." It's much nicer to mix it up and keep each line identifiable. That isn't to say that you should avoid starting any lines with "You," but you should aim to write so that if a reader were to scan down the first word of each line, they're able to pick out the line that they stopped reading at. Basically, it helps readers to keep a track of their place.

In addition to that, I tried to use a more active voice here. This is a bit advanced, but it's much easier to read "X performed an action on Y." than it is to read "Y had Z done to them by X." It's more engaging in the first instance. It's active, as opposed to being passive.

Finally, for this line, the last part:

HOLY FUCK THAT WAS LOUD

This is a tricky one. What is this? Do you even remember? Is this Anon speaking, or is it a thought in his head? How can we tell from these five words?

As it is in it's current state, we can't.

This is why you use speech marks.

"Holy fuck that was loud!" You shouted.

or

>Holy fuck that was loud!

There's a big difference between the two, and it's important to show it.

>You're sitting next to Celestia, watching a movie.
>Your eyes drift to the popcorn bowl in front of the white alicorn, searching for munchies.
>Unconsciously, though, they continue their roaming towards your movie partner who is perched on your sofa.
>Your eyes take in the slender curves of her equine, yet alluring body.
>They're drawn to the bright patch of orange on her flank that is her cutie mark.
Damn that ass is fat.
>Wait.
>Did you just say that out loud?
>Or was it internal monologue?
>SHIT.
>Celestia is looking at you.
>"Anon..."
>You can feel the marinara sauce welling up in your pockets.
>"Did you just..."
>OH GOD NO.
>ABORT. ABORT.
>"Speak without quotation marks?"
>Your trousers erupt in a shower of grammar-faux-pas fuelled spaghetti.
>It spews all over Celestia's immaculate, white coat, staining it red.
>Needless to say,
>Movie night was ruined.

So, that's two lines of analysis, and I'll leave it there since this is a lot to take in. Despite there being plenty of criticisms that I can level at your piece, Idako, I'd like you to know that you DO know how to write. You know how to write because you know how to speak. The problem is putting it down on paper. This is something that everyone has to learn, and one of the best ways is to practice. Write more and have people read it. They'll usually be happy to tell you what you've done wrong. The important thing is not to take it to heart. Learn from valid criticism. Ignore haters.