[1:44 PM] DirectorBlack: great news! i'm officially going to l.a. the week of my birthday! since it's getting closer, do you wanna start planning?
[1:44 PM] DirectorBlack: :sparkling_heart: sorry i haven't talked to you much :sparkling_heart:
[8:34 PM] Blue ~: yea sure
[8:34 PM] Blue ~: its ok we already talked about that
[8:36 PM] DirectorBlack: okay, so, i should let you know that i don't have any way of driving from my location to san francisco
[8:36 PM] DirectorBlack: i know you have a car, so it would be easy for us to use that
[8:38 PM] Blue ~: ah. i see
[8:39 PM] DirectorBlack: is that gonna be a problem?
[8:39 PM] Blue ~: do you really think we'd work out?
[8:39 PM] DirectorBlack: hmm?
[8:39 PM] Blue ~: Like I mean seirously we haven't done a normal session in months and honestly idk if you have enough confidence for me to be comfortable subbing to you anymore
[8:40 PM] Blue ~: not becuse your confidence has reduced but because i've changed.
[8:40 PM] DirectorBlack: how so?
[8:41 PM] Blue ~: Which part.
[8:41 PM] DirectorBlack: how you've changed enough that i wouldn't be comfy domming you anymore
[8:45 PM] Blue ~: Well i've gone through some more relationships and just came to the conclusion that id' have a much better time subbing for someone if I feel like they're capable enough to dom me
[8:46 PM] Blue ~: Like my last boyfriend just ended up being a really disappointing person who I grew to not really respect much, and I realized i'd basically be trying to guide him as to exactly how to dom me if I really wanted him to
[8:47 PM] Blue ~: And if i'm having to give detailed feedback enough that i'm giving a tutorial to the person as to how to do it next time then i'm basically the one doing it and that's both not as satisfying and also undermines their entire part
[8:48 PM] Blue ~: Want me to continue as to why I i feel rather unfortunately certain that applies to you?
[8:49 PM] DirectorBlack: i'm afraid to...but yes
[8:54 PM] Blue ~: You consistently set out and make promises that you don't keep, you continuously claim to make improvements when you don't, and you show no sign of improvement in a skill that you care a lot about. You seem as if you are a person who will consistently complain about something or be mad at you for something, but then take no measures to ever change it. Nor do you work to improve on skills that you talk about loving. And it also seems as if your ego is inflated the more subjects you can hypnotise to inflate it for you, despite the lack of basis for a higher ego. You additionally have such low self confidence and insecurities that although I attempt to give constructive criticism, it is to no avail as you merely pity and hate yourself whenever you receive many forms of criticism, but then never change the catalyst for this problem.
[8:55 PM] Blue ~: I predict it's likely that you are continuing to amass subjects for the sole purpose of vanity and confidence via this mock control over them, despite the fact that you are spreading your resources far too thin than you can manage, cutting many of those relationships shorter than they otherwise could be.
[9:06 PM] DirectorBlack: this...is a lot take in
[9:22 PM] DirectorBlack: you're right about a lot of things. change doesn't really come easy to me and as much as i'd like to think i work hard on myself, it's easy for me to fall back into old habits. hypnosis is an ego rush for me, but i sincerelly do enjoy doing it, and you're absolutely right about how the relationships will spread my resources too thin. again, part of it is because i do get an ego boost, but part of me also thinks that if i have a good amount of subs, i can experiment on them with different ways to practice my skills. i do try my best to take criticism and apply it, but again, falling back into old habits has been a pattern for me. it's true that deep down, despite all my confidence in my skills, i do still hate myself and am finding unhealthy ways to repair it

but...despite how hard it is for me to change, i really try to put in the effort. i know there are days when it slips back or it seems i forget them entirely, but i really try to give it my best with how hard it is for me to escape my own feelings. maybe i won't change a lot when i'm with you; maybe i will keep making  the same mistakes often...but i really do try. it's hard, but i almost always think about each action i take every day on whether it's good, and often, my impulses win out. it's a long road for me to change and i know this is not the thing you prolly wanna hear, but it's true.
[10:37 PM] Blue ~: So how has that experimenting gone? How has it changed you? How have your skills actually improved?
[10:40 PM] Blue ~: And yea I have heard you say you try to put in the effort, but dude honestly you can say that as much as you want and it doesn't change the fact that you're staying the same from my perspective. Saying that "I won't change a lot with you" is pretty cray because that's literally all the perspective I have to go on and you're just excusing yourself to continue to not change with me. I even included that in my analysis that you talk about improving all the time but you end up where you started having not changed at all