Supervillainess Marriage Proposal

<WINDOW SMASH>

<Coughing, throat clearing, etc.>

Oh, crap! I didn’t think this would be that loud! I have trained myself to infiltrate a….anyway that could have gone better.

<Muttering, but then brightening up.>

So you must be wondering why I'm here. I, handsome civilian, am here to marry you! No, this is not a joke. It’s a proposal. I came here alone—without a single minion, and in my sexiest outfit to join us together forever! Should you accept my offer, (Which I'm sure you shall.) I'll make you the happiest king that an evil lair ever did see. The most satisfied, sexually, too. Of course.

 What do you MEAN you don't know who I am?! Don't you watch the news? Don't you look out that goddam window of yours?! I look at YOU all the time, so I don't understand why-

<Embarrassed sputtering, then a heavy sigh.>

“Okay, so do you see that mountain over there? Dark, spooky, pointy, forbidden? There’s a castle up there, and it’s chock full of death rays, freeze rays, shrinking rays, growing rays and all sorts of machinery. Not to mention the giant safe full of money and jewels and all the fine antiques…but the point is that every few weeks I come down from there and try to take over this civilian zoo of a town.  Remember last summer when everything iced over?  The Christmas when all the presents walked away?  When the economy crashed—oh that wasn’t me. Okay they don’t always work perfectly, but last week was a much bigger See, I opened up this dimensional porthole and found one full of mutated lizard monsters. It should have leveled this town like an earthquake—okay it blew up before more than two escaped but you must have seen the video of the cops and dogcatchers catching the one that didn’t get hit by a bus..

You didn’t. I’m sure it’s on YouTube and I see you on that site for hours-- Look, that's not quite what we're here to discuss.

My offer was quite sincere. Even a heartless hag like myself becomes lonely every once and a while, no? Being surrounded by an army of twats is already enough to drive me to my wits end, but sometimes the nights are just too cold and lonely. <pouty> Big bed, no one to share it with. No shoulder to rest on, no strong arms to wrap around me, not even a cozy lap to sit in when the nights get cold and lonely!

<This is where the ham really starts to get heavy, now using a sobbing voice with a ridiculous amount of self-pity.>

Where are the men of quality!?! Men these days only think about their depression, dexamphetaminew and funko Pops or becoming shamefully drunk. I know that’s not you. I’ve been watching you for months. Where is the man who prefers the wanton destruction of peaceful cities and creating deadly rays and plots to steal millions, instead of lewd dancing and their next hook-up? Don't even give me that, "It's easy when you're a woman" hodge-podge, you're the first man I've spoken to that hasn't run off in complete terror!

<Sighs. Trying to get it back together.>

I digress. I've watched you from afar for quite some time. While you may not be the cruel, dashing gentleman that I've always dreamed of, you stir...Quite the longing in me. It's not quite like the feeling that I feel when I look at other male civilians. It feels...peculiar. I've studied you like every other man that I have so far, yet watching you will never be fulfilling unless your attention is on me. /I/ wish to be the one to make you smile and laugh...And you know how you sometimes sleep without your shirt on? I wish to be the one to lay on your chest at night and hear your heartbeat! Yes, I think that would be a most delightful experience. I would even get to see your face when I woke up in the morning, and make me so happy that I excel at my chosen profession!  What a pleasant thought.

I've decided that truly, this must be true love! Time is of the essence. I have a project to work on later tonight, so in true villainous fashion, I must strike while the iron is hot. It's not every day that you get an offer of marriage from a hot lady of supreme villainy such as myself, so make haste in your decision as well! You will gain all my riches, but let me sweeten the deal. I’ll even let you bring the contents of your meager home, and indulge in your more...interesting favorite fetish acts. As I said, I have been studying you. This all being said...

<Pauses to get down on one knee.>

Anonymous male poster - Would you do me the honor of ruling beside me as my dastardly king? I assure you, we could get up to some EXCELLENT mischief with each other...