Obvious Child (2014) EN

1
00:00:22,088 --> 00:00:24,590
(PEOPLE MURMURING)

2
00:00:24,592 --> 00:00:29,728
DONNA:  I used to hide
what my vagina did
to my underpants.

3
00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:33,032
And, by the way,
what all vaginas do
to all underpants, okay?

4
00:00:33,034 --> 00:00:35,134
There is no woman
who ends her day

5
00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:37,202
with, like,
a clean pair of underpants

6
00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:40,305
that look like they've ever
even come from a store, okay?

7
00:00:40,307 --> 00:00:44,243
They look like little bags
that have fallen face down

8
00:00:44,245 --> 00:00:47,179
in, like, a tub of cream cheese,

9
00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:49,815
and then, like,
commando-crawled
their way out.

10
00:00:49,817 --> 00:00:51,683
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

11
00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:53,752
And then,
like, carabinered up,
like, into a crotch.

12
00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:57,322
Like, they're not items

13
00:00:57,324 --> 00:00:59,625
that are for anyone to see.

14
00:00:59,627 --> 00:01:02,628
But now,
I'm just like, "whatever."

15
00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:05,130
You know, I have a human vagina.

16
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(DONNA LAUGHING)

17
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Okay, who here just saw my face

18
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and thought that they were
at a bagel store
in a synagogue?

19
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(ALL LAUGHING)

20
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Who thought that?

21
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Who stared at my face
and thought that
I'm the product of

22
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if a menorah fucked
Natalie imbruglia?

23
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But the menorah, like, had me.
You know what I mean?

24
00:01:28,222 --> 00:01:30,456
You know,
like when two lesbians
have a baby,

25
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and everyone's like, "yay!
They did it!"

26
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And they're like,
"but it's really Karen's.

27
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"It's gonna be husky."
(LAUGHING)

28
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You guys are like,
"you're a horrible woman."

29
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But let me tell you, I agree.
I agree.

30
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I, surprisingly,
am not alone in my life.

31
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I have a boyfriend.

32
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Um... yeah, he's cool.

33
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He's got a,
you know, working dick.

34
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

35
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Yeah, he's a human male.
I'll put it that way.

36
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But I'm still
honking down on that d,
um, when I need to.

37
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It's just that, after a while,
it just becomes
a step towards,

38
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like, getting
rhythmically banged out

39
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until your worries can go away,

40
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and you can pass
out for eight hours.

41
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That's sort of where we're at.
(LAUGHING)

42
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Functional.
Functional, you know.

43
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We've worked out all the kinks.

44
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Oh, man, I think I just heard
his heart stop beating.

45
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When we first started dating,
my butthole was so scared,

46
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you know, that it might, like,
lose the chance at romance,

47
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that it was just like,
"everyone, shut down,"
and it was like... (SQUEALS)

48
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But then when he would, like,
leave my apartment,
I would be like,

49
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and pretend to be so confident
in everything
that just happened.

50
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"Was that cool
when I did that?"

51
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"Was that cool
when I did that?"

52
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Then I would just
masturbate to my worries
until he came back.

53
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(ALL LAUGHING)

54
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I would just shut
the door and, like, stand

55
00:03:01,749 --> 00:03:04,316
there for a minute
and then just be like...

56
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(IMITATES FARTING)

57
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And then it would be like,
(HOARSELY) "But it
feels so good. I gotta..."

58
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That's my butthole's voice.
"I gotta be me!"

59
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"I gotta be me!"

60
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(IMITATES FARTING)

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(MAKING RHYTHMIC FARTING SOUNDS)

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That's me walking up my stairs.

63
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Anyone need a barf bag?

64
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Hey.
Hi, sweetie.

65
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How's it going?
Good.

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Am I having a stroke,
or does this soap
smell like popcorn?

67
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You're not having a stroke.

68
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Good.

69
00:03:42,523 --> 00:03:43,455
It just smells like
your hand, you know.

70
00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:44,523
Uh-oh.

71
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Smells normal.

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Um, a couple of other people
are going to another bar,

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and I know that
you don't like
leaving the radius,

74
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but I really wanna
go and have, like,

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one, two,
one million more drinks.

76
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Yeah, I don't think I can go.

77
00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:58,537
Okay.
Do you wanna just go home,

78
00:03:58,539 --> 00:04:03,008
Things have been
kind of fucked up
between us lately, you know?

79
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(TOILET FLUSHING)

80
00:04:06,613 --> 00:04:07,813
Uh...

81
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And then you go,
and you talk
about it up there.

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It's just a very
weird feeling for me.

83
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Are you still mad at
me about last night?

84
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Because I ate street meat
from the cart at work.

85
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And also,
you just said you didn't do

86
00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:26,565
the thing that I
wanna do, and I'm not...

87
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I've been sleeping with Kate.

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(CLEARS THROAT)

89
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What?

90
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You know,
we can't lie to you anymore.

91
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You're, like, a "we"?
You guys are a "we" now?

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(WHIMPERS)

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(SIGHS) I wanted
to tell you sooner.

94
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But you're here all the time.
Your schedule is
all over the place.

95
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We never talk or anything!

96
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I'm at your house
every other night.

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(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

98
00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:01,667
Why are you...
Stop looking at your phone
while you're dumping me!

99
00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:03,568
Is she calling you?
Is she asking you,
"have you dumped her yet?"

100
00:05:03,570 --> 00:05:04,870
No.

101
00:05:04,872 --> 00:05:07,072
Or are you just such a dick...
Sorry.

102
00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:08,807
...that you're
looking at your phone
while you're dumping me?

103
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,876
I just don't know where to look.

104
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You don't know
where to look? Well,
this is probably a good area.

105
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(CELL PHONE CONTINUES VIBRATING)

106
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(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

107
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(VOICEMAIL BEEPS)

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DONNA:  Hi, Ryan.

109
00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:01,993
I don't know if
you're getting my messages,

110
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but I really
(STAMMERING) Need to talk.

111
00:06:08,134 --> 00:06:10,402
I'm sorry.
I didn't hear the...

112
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I don't care about the beep!

113
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I am also sorry that
you cannot get to the phone!

114
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(GROANING GUTTURALLY)

115
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(VOICEMAIL BEEPS)

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The kind of hpv where you get
warts on your stuff

117
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and, um, ovarian cancer.

118
00:06:38,132 --> 00:06:41,400
There's a lot of
other stuff I could say,
but I'm a lady.

119
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Yeah,
and then she dies of cancer,

120
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and you're stuck
with the bill, so...

121
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I just wanted to
apologize for the voice-mail

122
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that I just left
on your voice-mail.

123
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And, um, I also
wanted to say, "psych!"

124
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(CHUCKLING MALICIOUSLY)

125
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Have a great life!

126
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I'll be here with my normal hpv

127
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that one in four
nice women have.

128
00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:04,856
And there will not
be an apology message

129
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,526
for this apology message.
Goodbye.

130
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(MUFFLED SOBBING)

131
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(KEYS JANGLING)

132
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(DOOR OPENS)

133
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NELLIE: You okay?

134
00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:34,586
Nellie!

135
00:07:34,588 --> 00:07:37,189
You look like a lez
who just got back
from birthright.

136
00:07:37,191 --> 00:07:38,490
Move.

137
00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:40,826
These clogs are yours.

138
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:43,228
Ryan always hated my clogs.

139
00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:45,931
Well, I guess that doesn't
matter anymore, huh?

140
00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:47,866
You got my texts?

141
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:50,469
I did do. I'm sorry.

142
00:07:50,471 --> 00:07:51,736
Mmm.

143
00:07:51,738 --> 00:07:53,071
Do you want to talk about it?

144
00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:54,139
Mmm-mmm.

145
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,874
Okay.

146
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:58,510
You're in shock. We don't
have to talk about it.

147
00:07:58,512 --> 00:08:00,779
I always thought that
Ryan was attracted to Kate,

148
00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:04,049
but then I just told myself
I was being
insecure and jealous.

149
00:08:04,051 --> 00:08:06,084
And now, all my worst
fears have come true.

150
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:10,689
What happened is
he's a piece of shit,
and she's a little bitch.

151
00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:11,990
I love you.

152
00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:13,124
I love you, too.

153
00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:16,261
You know I'd take
a bullet for you, right?

154
00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:17,762
I know.

155
00:08:17,764 --> 00:08:18,997
Right into my heart.

156
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:22,634
Nellie, you're so
sweet and nice and pretty.

157
00:08:22,636 --> 00:08:25,036
Okay.

158
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:27,973
You gonna be okay?
Do you want me to
sleep in here with you?

159
00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:30,208
I can't do that to you, because

160
00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:32,177
I'm about to turn
this bed into a fart pod.

161
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:34,012
Oh. Okay.

162
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:37,015
That sounds too cozy for me.

163
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,550
All right, I love you.

164
00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:39,684
I love you.

165
00:08:46,592 --> 00:08:48,693
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY)

166
00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:53,231
(WHISPERS) Donna.
(GASPS) Oh, shit, gene.

167
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:55,667
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you.

168
00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:59,771
No, I'm sorry.
I haven't been
sleeping very well.

169
00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:02,574
Listen, Donna, um,

170
00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:06,878
No, no, no.
I already called the plumber.
We're just...

171
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,280
We're all gonna have
to use the bathroom on sixth

172
00:09:08,282 --> 00:09:09,848
for, like, a few days.

173
00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:11,917
It's not that. It's, um...

174
00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:14,619
(SIGHS) Well,
there's no easy way
to spit this out.

175
00:09:16,822 --> 00:09:20,825
The landlord's kicking us out.
We have six weeks.

176
00:09:20,827 --> 00:09:21,993
What?

177
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:24,062
They're closing the store.

178
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,064
That's crazy!
That's disgusting!

179
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:27,999
This place is like
a New York institution!

180
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:29,281
You've been here five years.
Hmm.

181
00:09:30,169 --> 00:09:32,871
I've been here for 30.

182
00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:35,607
Sometimes we
just have to let go
of the things we love.

183
00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:37,609
That's really
easy for you to say,

184
00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:39,344
'cause you're gonna
move to Woodstock,

185
00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:41,846
and, like, buy
a bunch of wick and candles

186
00:09:41,848 --> 00:09:44,082
and just,
like, chill out all day.

187
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,650
Hey, that sounds pretty nice.
I think I will do that.

188
00:09:45,652 --> 00:09:46,918
(BOTH LAUGH)

189
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,287
Listen, change is good, Donna.

190
00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:53,158
Oh, man, that's,
like, the rudest thing
you've ever said to me.

191
00:09:59,298 --> 00:10:02,667
You know, that Ryan,
he was not a gentleman.

192
00:10:02,669 --> 00:10:04,202
Mmm. Okay. Well,
I'm gonna call him right now,

193
00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:07,672
You're not gonna waste
one valuable moment

194
00:10:07,674 --> 00:10:09,774
of your young precious life
mourning that boy.

195
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,676
I'm a mess.

196
00:10:11,678 --> 00:10:14,346
I can't even be in public
without bursting into tears.

197
00:10:14,348 --> 00:10:16,081
And I think I've
cried on every train line.

198
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:20,852
You know,
when your mom and I split up,
I thought my life was over.

199
00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:22,921
You know what saved me?

200
00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:25,190
A long walk with your Uncle Jim.

201
00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:29,127
We walked, we talked,
and we talked about life,
and spirituality,

202
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:32,197
and identity and racism.

203
00:10:32,199 --> 00:10:34,032
And by the time the sun came up,

204
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:35,734
we had the premise
for our first TV show.

205
00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:37,135
"We had the premise
for our first TV show."

206
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:38,670
We did.

207
00:10:39,739 --> 00:10:40,939
That smells good.

208
00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:42,307
Pasghetti.

209
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:43,875
Your favorite sauce,
extra honey.

210
00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:45,410
Extra honey.

211
00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:47,145
I can eat this.

212
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:51,182
You know,
creative energy sometimes

213
00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:53,818
comes from
the lowest point in your life.

214
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:58,123
But, dad, you had a partner
to do all of that with.

215
00:10:58,125 --> 00:11:01,393
I'm just up
there alone by myself
just beating myself up.

216
00:11:01,395 --> 00:11:04,262
Well, negativity will either be

217
00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:06,865
your best friend
or your worst enemy.

218
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,200
How do you want to
approach your fears?

219
00:11:09,202 --> 00:11:10,301
Tylenol pm.

220
00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:11,369
(LAUGHING)

221
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:14,039
No. Living.

222
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:16,975
Living is the best revenge.

223
00:11:16,977 --> 00:11:18,376
So eat up,
and then when we're finished,

224
00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:20,078
you're gonna go visit your mom.

225
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,713
She's worried about you.
Ugh.

226
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:22,947
You guys need to know

227
00:11:22,949 --> 00:11:24,382
there are some
children out there

228
00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:25,717
who don't talk to
their parents for months.

229
00:11:25,719 --> 00:11:26,851
Like, even on the telephone.

230
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:27,752
Really? Really?

231
00:11:27,754 --> 00:11:28,887
Not my child.

232
00:11:30,923 --> 00:11:33,124
Okay.
Thank you.

233
00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:35,694
You're an aberration.

234
00:11:35,696 --> 00:11:37,328
You're all wrong.

235
00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:38,830
You're the weird one.

236
00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:43,301
You're so pretty.
Now just hold up,
just for a second.

237
00:11:43,303 --> 00:11:44,869
Are you proud of me?

238
00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:46,337
I'm very proud of you.

239
00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:48,239
(BOTH LAUGHING)

240
00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:04,322
You know,
an ex-student of mine
started a temp agency.

241
00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:06,925
They specialize
in placing people
in the entertainment world.

242
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:08,259
Pass the duck sauce.

243
00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:10,061
You're about to
lose your income.

244
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:11,796
You don't seem
the least bit concerned.

245
00:12:11,798 --> 00:12:14,099
I'm terrified, mom.
Believe me, I very much am.

246
00:12:14,101 --> 00:12:17,168
But I'm not going to work
for one of your
business school students.

247
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:20,338
You're almost 30 years old.
You still don't know
how to do your taxes.

248
00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:23,041
I'm a couple of
years away from 30,

249
00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:25,844
and nobody knows
how to do their taxes.

250
00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:28,947
Have you spoken to your agent
about booking any
commercial work?

251
00:12:28,949 --> 00:12:30,515
You know,
I haven't, because recently,

252
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:32,217
she put her entire
body into her oven.

253
00:12:32,219 --> 00:12:33,219
Ugh!

254
00:12:34,186 --> 00:12:36,387
You're never serious.

255
00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:39,124
I will use
turbotax this year, okay?

256
00:12:39,126 --> 00:12:41,826
Hand me the plate.

257
00:12:41,828 --> 00:12:43,928
Well, I don't know
if you've noticed, but

258
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:45,997
I'm in kind of
an emotional crisis right now.

259
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:47,799
I know you're going through
some pain right now,

260
00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:50,034
but you're always gonna be
going through something.

261
00:12:50,036 --> 00:12:54,038
And I just did that commercial
for the organic douche,

262
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,174
which is gonna be
a real boon to my image.

263
00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:58,409
Well, I'm glad you
did the douche job.
The douche paid well.

264
00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:00,044
Definitely,
stop saying "douche."

265
00:13:00,046 --> 00:13:01,880
There are other things
in your life you could

266
00:13:01,882 --> 00:13:03,448
afford to be a little
more selective about.

267
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,850
Your next beau, for example.

268
00:13:05,852 --> 00:13:10,021
I'll never forget that brunch
when he told us his
sat scores. (LAUGHING)

269
00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:13,792
Mom, really, a lot of people
aren't good test-takers.

270
00:13:13,794 --> 00:13:16,461
You were. And now you
waste that 780 verbal

271
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:19,430
on telling jokes
about having
diarrhea in your pants.

272
00:13:19,432 --> 00:13:21,332
(MUFFLED GROANING)

273
00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:38,183
Fuck it.

274
00:13:42,254 --> 00:13:44,889
DONNA:
I'll take three more sips,

275
00:13:44,891 --> 00:13:48,393
and if he doesn't
come out, then I'll go.

276
00:13:54,066 --> 00:13:55,333
(SNIFFLING)

277
00:14:11,383 --> 00:14:13,384
(VOICE BREAKING)
I'll take two
more sips, actually.

278
00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:16,554
And if the lady
in the tan jacket

279
00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:20,058
crosses the street
on the second sip,

280
00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:22,627
then that means
that I should go home.

281
00:14:35,641 --> 00:14:37,175
Motherfucker.

282
00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:46,951
What are you doing?
What am I doing?

283
00:14:46,953 --> 00:14:49,320
Just go home to your house.

284
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,124
Fuck!

285
00:14:56,962 --> 00:14:57,996
(DOG BARKING)

286
00:15:00,132 --> 00:15:01,132
(DOOR CLOSES)

287
00:15:03,002 --> 00:15:04,936
They have a fucking dog.

288
00:15:06,071 --> 00:15:07,405
What were you doing?

289
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,474
Just out doing
some light stalking.

290
00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:11,276
No!

291
00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:13,378
What is wrong with me?

292
00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:17,015
Nothing.
Nothing is wrong with you.

293
00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:18,950
How did I not know?

294
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:21,920
Those two are sociopaths.

295
00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:24,255
This is my fault.

296
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:28,192
I never should
have talked about
our relationship in my act.

297
00:15:28,194 --> 00:15:31,930
No, fuck that noise.
You know what is
so great about you?

298
00:15:31,932 --> 00:15:34,065
I'm good at folding the laundry?

299
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:36,100
No, sweetie,
you're terrible at
folding the laundry.

300
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:40,338
You are
unapologetically yourself
on that stage every time,

301
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:41,973
and that's why people love you.

302
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:47,178
That mouth-breather
and fucking bag of
bones bring you down.

303
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:50,982
She's actually my target weight.

304
00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:52,450
That is gross.

305
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,419
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

306
00:16:21,613 --> 00:16:24,248
I guess comedy is
supposed to be honest.

307
00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:27,018
So let me just tell you
a little bit about me.

308
00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:30,121
Um, as they say,
I like my men
the way I like my coffee.

309
00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:32,290
Uh, disgusting,

310
00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:36,227
like, very weak and bitter,

311
00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:41,666
and cold, not sweet at all.

312
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:45,003
Very gritty on
the bottom as well.
If you know coffee like that,

313
00:16:45,005 --> 00:16:49,140
I'm just like,
"what is your number?"
(CHUCKLING)

314
00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:51,709
And now that
we're all picturing
a very filthy bottom,

315
00:16:51,711 --> 00:16:55,313
I think it's time to
bring one to the stage.

316
00:16:55,315 --> 00:16:57,648
And she's my best
friend in the entire world.

317
00:16:57,650 --> 00:17:00,451
I think you guys
are gonna love her
just as much as I do.

318
00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:03,721
Everyone,
please welcome Donna stern!

319
00:17:03,723 --> 00:17:05,590
(CHEERING)

320
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:06,758
Yeah!

321
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,192
Whoop!

322
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:09,560
Here we go.

323
00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:12,030
Everything cool?
(GROANING) No.

324
00:17:12,032 --> 00:17:13,598
(CLEARING THROAT)

325
00:17:14,166 --> 00:17:16,467
I love that guy.

326
00:17:17,269 --> 00:17:20,271
Okay. I was in the bathroom

327
00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:23,508
'cause that is all
that I have left.

328
00:17:23,510 --> 00:17:25,643
(GROANING)

329
00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:27,245
Does it count as exercise

330
00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:30,181
if you are just
squeezing your body

331
00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:33,051
all the time super-hard,
super-tight,

332
00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:34,752
'cause you're
just crying so hard?

333
00:17:37,456 --> 00:17:39,690
That was a rhetorical question.

334
00:17:39,692 --> 00:17:42,126
Uh, I should
probably turn around, right?

335
00:17:42,128 --> 00:17:43,227
MAN: No shit!

336
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:45,296
Okay. All right.

337
00:17:45,298 --> 00:17:48,499
"No shit" yourself, sir.
It's a swear. Rude.

338
00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:50,701
Um... (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

339
00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:55,540
In case you can't tell
from my deep,
deep ridges on my face,

340
00:17:56,742 --> 00:18:01,245
I was recently dumped up with

341
00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:03,581
by a human male
who is still alive.

342
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:07,151
So, good for him.

343
00:18:07,153 --> 00:18:10,588
I feel like when someone
does something bad,
they should just die.

344
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:13,257
But instead, we die a slow death

345
00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:15,693
and watch their happiness bloom.

346
00:18:20,432 --> 00:18:22,166
Doctor's orders.

347
00:18:29,741 --> 00:18:34,245
My very nice close friend
who's such a nice person

348
00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:36,848
decided to fuck my boyfriend.

349
00:18:36,850 --> 00:18:39,550
I would love to just
murder-suicide them.

350
00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:42,153
(SIGHS) A lot of people say
I look like Anne Frank.

351
00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:45,123
I would never have
survived the holocaust.
That's for sure.

352
00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:47,225
If you were cool,
this could be art.

353
00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:49,427
Or if I were cool.

354
00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:51,629
Oh,
is this not working for you?
Do you want your money back?

355
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:55,566
I want my life back,
but I can't get it
back 'cause it's ruined.

356
00:18:55,568 --> 00:18:57,668
So that is a cost
I have incurred.

357
00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,203
I'll share more.
I'll share more.

358
00:18:59,205 --> 00:19:01,506
You guys seem to be
fucking loving it.

359
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:04,208
Full-blown affair, you know?
Like, who is she?
Like, faye dunaway?

360
00:19:04,210 --> 00:19:05,743
You know what I mean?
It's, like, "cool move."

361
00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:07,311
This kind of
thing makes you think

362
00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:09,580
I'm pretty good
at fucking, right?

363
00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:12,316
It's 'cause she's one of
those fucking girls
with a thread count.

364
00:19:12,318 --> 00:19:14,685
This place is
a fucking shithole.

365
00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:17,188
So I'm really glad
to be on your roster.

366
00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:20,458
She's just going up and down
on his dick so slowly

367
00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:23,895
so that he knows exactly
how blonde her pussy is.

368
00:19:23,897 --> 00:19:26,864
Then I just come in,
and I murder-sui everything,

369
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:28,866
and then she gets
stains on her sheets.

370
00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:30,201
Hooah! (LAUGHING)

371
00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:31,335
Hooah!

372
00:19:32,871 --> 00:19:35,640
But anyhow, um...

373
00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,543
That was the worst.

374
00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:40,912
It wasn't that bad.

375
00:19:40,914 --> 00:19:44,248
Okay, don't get me wrong.
It was horrible.

376
00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:46,717
But it wasn't the worst comedy
I've ever seen.

377
00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:50,288
That was not comedy.
That was not
even a performance.

378
00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:51,956
That was not even
performance art.

379
00:19:51,958 --> 00:19:53,691
I think a lot of people learned

380
00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:55,193
a lot about
the holocaust tonight.

381
00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:56,394
(SIGHS)

382
00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:57,695
You know what the saddest thing

383
00:19:57,697 --> 00:20:03,601
It's that not only did
Kate fuck my boyfriend
and ruin that area of my life,

384
00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:09,840
I hate how much
you're focusing on Kate
in all of this.

385
00:20:09,842 --> 00:20:13,511
I'm gonna turn
into a pile of dust.

386
00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:15,446
All I'm saying is, like,
she didn't trick
Ryan into fucking her.

387
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:16,914
He's a fucking asshole.

388
00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:19,283
(CHUCKLES)

389
00:20:19,285 --> 00:20:23,688
Okay. Well, this experience
has been so cool for me.

390
00:20:23,690 --> 00:20:25,923
Um, but I have to go home,
and put on my sweatpants,

391
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:27,892
and try and hold my
breath until I die.

392
00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,794
No! You have to stay
here and drink with me.

393
00:20:29,796 --> 00:20:31,495
We're getting wasted.
Here, I'm paying.

394
00:20:31,497 --> 00:20:32,863
Mmm!

395
00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:35,366
(EXCLAIMING) (CHUCKLING)

396
00:20:35,368 --> 00:20:38,836
Hi. Can I get two
Jacks and cokes, please?

397
00:20:46,411 --> 00:20:48,679
Whoa! (LAUGHING)

398
00:20:48,681 --> 00:20:50,982
You're really lasering
into me with your peepy
missiles there.

399
00:20:50,984 --> 00:20:54,318
What?

400
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:57,888
I said that you
were lasering into me
with your peepy missiles.

401
00:20:58,824 --> 00:21:01,025
Are my eyes my peepy missiles?

402
00:21:01,027 --> 00:21:02,493
I'm not a doctor.

403
00:21:02,495 --> 00:21:04,695
Yeah, sorry, sorry.

404
00:21:05,897 --> 00:21:07,732
Both those drinks for you?

405
00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:11,702
Um...
Are both those faces yours?

406
00:21:11,704 --> 00:21:14,739
No, I crashed and
burned this conversation.

407
00:21:14,741 --> 00:21:16,774
No! No, no,
no. No, you're not. Come on.
No, it's okay.

408
00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:19,977
Oh, man, slip-ons?

409
00:21:19,979 --> 00:21:21,412
What's wrong with slip-ons?

410
00:21:21,414 --> 00:21:22,980
It's the winter!

411
00:21:22,982 --> 00:21:24,915
These are
an all-purpose shoe.

412
00:21:24,917 --> 00:21:27,051
For all purposes
inside of your frat house

413
00:21:27,053 --> 00:21:28,886
where everyone's
going ping-pong,

414
00:21:28,888 --> 00:21:33,591
and throwing their house out
at the end of the year.

415
00:21:33,593 --> 00:21:36,761
Yeah. Well, you know,
that's what they say,
"go to williamsburg."

416
00:21:36,763 --> 00:21:40,464
"Welcome to Brooklyn where
they judge you by your shoes."
It's great.

417
00:21:40,466 --> 00:21:43,567
This isn't williamsburg,
Virginia?

418
00:21:43,569 --> 00:21:45,403
Oh, my God!
I've been in the wrong

419
00:21:45,405 --> 00:21:47,405
williamsburg for
this whole time, man.

420
00:21:47,407 --> 00:21:49,373
Yeah. No,
I haven't been to Virginia,
but this is not it.

421
00:21:49,375 --> 00:21:50,675
I have.

422
00:21:50,677 --> 00:21:54,979
I went to
Virginia on a class trip
with my science teacher,

423
00:21:54,981 --> 00:21:56,681
because I'm a city kid,
so they wanted

424
00:21:56,683 --> 00:21:58,482
to take us to go see,
like, the country.

425
00:21:58,484 --> 00:22:00,384
And she knew where
this horse had
died in a field.

426
00:22:00,386 --> 00:22:03,688
She wanted to dig it up
so that we could
see its skeleton.

427
00:22:03,690 --> 00:22:05,990
But when we dug it up,
it hadn't even
decomposed at all,

428
00:22:05,992 --> 00:22:07,958
'cause that takes,
like, a very long time.

429
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:11,095
And, you know,
it had worms on its face.

430
00:22:11,097 --> 00:22:13,931
That teacher
should be put away.
That's awful.

431
00:22:13,933 --> 00:22:15,032
We murdered her
that day in that field.

432
00:22:15,034 --> 00:22:17,401
Stop, it's...

433
00:22:17,403 --> 00:22:19,904
That's the only conclusion.
That's the only
thing that could happen.

434
00:22:19,906 --> 00:22:22,773
(EXCLAIMS) And all
the children ran away.

435
00:22:22,775 --> 00:22:24,642
But I just stayed, and I looked

436
00:22:24,644 --> 00:22:26,410
at its sleeping face, you know.

437
00:22:26,412 --> 00:22:27,678
That's a lot of story.

438
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:29,080
Yeah, it is.

439
00:22:29,082 --> 00:22:30,514
I like your shirt.

440
00:22:30,516 --> 00:22:31,782
Thank you.

441
00:22:32,884 --> 00:22:35,519
This nice shirt's name is Max.

442
00:22:35,521 --> 00:22:37,755
Oh, hey.
This lady's name is Donna.
Hey.

443
00:22:37,757 --> 00:22:38,856
And my shirt's name is Brenda.

444
00:22:38,858 --> 00:22:40,124
(BOTH LAUGH)

445
00:22:40,126 --> 00:22:41,092
She's a loudmouth.

446
00:22:41,094 --> 00:22:42,593
Great.

447
00:22:42,595 --> 00:22:45,863
Hi, Brenda. Hi, Donna.

448
00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:49,500
Seemed like you
waved more at Brenda.

449
00:22:49,502 --> 00:22:53,537
So, Max, how did you
end up here tonight?

450
00:22:53,539 --> 00:22:55,005
Uh, clients.
I'm here with some clients.

451
00:22:55,007 --> 00:22:59,043
I work for a computer company.

452
00:22:59,045 --> 00:23:01,712
We design
a program that basically,

453
00:23:01,714 --> 00:23:04,515
if you're, like,
playing a multiplayer game,

454
00:23:04,517 --> 00:23:07,151
people all over the world,
it's like you're
actually playing it live.

455
00:23:07,153 --> 00:23:09,120
So, it's like a phone call,
and it's like you're really...

456
00:23:09,122 --> 00:23:11,422
I've made phone calls.
That's cool.

457
00:23:11,424 --> 00:23:14,792
So imagine that,
but with a video game.

458
00:23:14,794 --> 00:23:16,927
Oh!
You pick up the phone,
and you're like,

459
00:23:16,929 --> 00:23:18,629
"hi, is computer there?"
And it's like,

460
00:23:18,631 --> 00:23:20,498
""I'll connect
you to video game"?

461
00:23:20,500 --> 00:23:23,701
It's... yep, it's
somewhere in there, yeah.

462
00:23:23,703 --> 00:23:25,870
But one of their wives
heard about this place.

463
00:23:25,872 --> 00:23:28,639
So here we are.
Is there comedy in the back?

464
00:23:28,641 --> 00:23:29,940
Yeah.
DONNA: No.

465
00:23:29,942 --> 00:23:31,509
Actually,
I had just hosted a show

466
00:23:31,511 --> 00:23:32,843
back there, and Donna performed.

467
00:23:32,845 --> 00:23:34,178
You didn't catch any?

468
00:23:34,180 --> 00:23:35,679
No, I couldn't find the room.

469
00:23:35,681 --> 00:23:39,049
'Cause she was
amazing tonight.
You know what? Thank you.

470
00:23:39,051 --> 00:23:40,718
Like, she's always great,

471
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,553
but, like, tonight, I would say,

472
00:23:42,555 --> 00:23:43,921
she was,
like, particularly on point.

473
00:23:43,923 --> 00:23:45,055
Interesting.

474
00:23:45,057 --> 00:23:46,157
MAX: Congrats.
That's awesome.

475
00:23:46,159 --> 00:23:47,691
You do this a lot?

476
00:23:47,693 --> 00:23:49,493
Yeah, it's a habit.

477
00:23:49,495 --> 00:23:51,829
Okay. All right.

478
00:23:52,865 --> 00:23:55,733
Another round?
You want to do another round?

479
00:23:55,735 --> 00:23:57,101
Yeah. Sure.

480
00:23:57,103 --> 00:23:58,769
I'll try it.
I'll try drinking.

481
00:23:58,771 --> 00:23:59,937
MAX: Okay.

482
00:23:59,939 --> 00:24:01,138
Perfect timing.

483
00:24:01,140 --> 00:24:02,473
MAX: Okay, okay.

484
00:24:02,475 --> 00:24:04,108
All right. On it.

485
00:24:07,045 --> 00:24:08,479
Yo!

486
00:24:08,481 --> 00:24:11,482
He is hot, bro!

487
00:24:11,484 --> 00:24:15,486
Yes, he is,
but he's, like, so Christian.
He's like a Christmas tree.

488
00:24:15,488 --> 00:24:17,555
So be the fucking angel
on top. Who gives a shit?

489
00:24:17,557 --> 00:24:19,089
I'm not the angel on top.
I'm the menorah

490
00:24:19,091 --> 00:24:21,058
on top of the tree
that burns it down.

491
00:24:21,060 --> 00:24:23,027
And they're like,
"ugh, shouldn't have

492
00:24:23,029 --> 00:24:25,029
had that
menorah on top of me."

493
00:24:25,664 --> 00:24:26,864
He, like, knows Santa.

494
00:24:26,866 --> 00:24:28,532
Sit on him.

495
00:24:28,534 --> 00:24:30,734
"Santa, can you help me
forget my memories?"

496
00:24:30,736 --> 00:24:32,770
Yes, exactly.
Now you get it.

497
00:24:32,772 --> 00:24:34,705
I don't think so.
That's not...

498
00:24:34,707 --> 00:24:38,175
I'm from a small
little town in Vermont.

499
00:24:38,177 --> 00:24:43,481
My grammar
school was in a barn.
How cool is that?

500
00:24:43,483 --> 00:24:45,249
That is cool.

501
00:24:45,251 --> 00:24:47,985
Right? Pretty sweet.
(LAUGHING)

502
00:24:47,987 --> 00:24:50,254
Is that a lie?
Is that true?

503
00:24:50,256 --> 00:24:53,824
It's a truth. It's the truth.
Hmm.

504
00:24:53,826 --> 00:24:55,259
Do you think that
you can tell when

505
00:24:55,261 --> 00:24:57,895
somebody's wearing
a wig or a toupee?

506
00:24:59,898 --> 00:25:01,198
Do you have a wig on?
Mmm-hmm.

507
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:02,566
I knew it.

508
00:25:02,568 --> 00:25:03,534
I have a wig over my toupee.

509
00:25:03,536 --> 00:25:05,002
Ha-ha!

510
00:25:05,004 --> 00:25:06,537
Can you tell that
I'm wearing a toupee?

511
00:25:06,539 --> 00:25:09,540
I was only halfway right.

512
00:25:09,542 --> 00:25:11,709
Wait till you see my merkin.

513
00:25:12,744 --> 00:25:14,044
Oh, no.

514
00:25:14,046 --> 00:25:15,679
(EXHALES SHARPLY) (URINATING)

515
00:25:15,681 --> 00:25:18,015
Fuck, it is so cold out here!

516
00:25:18,017 --> 00:25:21,552
I'm afraid I'm going
to get your splash-back.

517
00:25:21,554 --> 00:25:22,920
MAX: Is this illegal?

518
00:25:22,922 --> 00:25:24,989
Can we get arrested for this?

519
00:25:24,991 --> 00:25:29,026
Are you... who are you?
You've never peed
in public before?

520
00:25:29,028 --> 00:25:32,563
No. That's not me.

521
00:25:32,565 --> 00:25:34,164
What about pools?

522
00:25:34,166 --> 00:25:36,166
No, no way.

523
00:25:36,168 --> 00:25:40,704
I've peed in every
pool I've ever been in.

524
00:25:40,706 --> 00:25:42,806
(BOTH LAUGHING)

525
00:25:42,808 --> 00:25:43,874
(FARTING) (GASPING)

526
00:25:43,876 --> 00:25:46,243
Oh, my!

527
00:25:46,245 --> 00:25:48,212
Did you just
fucking fart in my face?

528
00:25:48,214 --> 00:25:50,114
No.

529
00:25:50,116 --> 00:25:53,284
Yeah. (STAMMERING) I'm...

530
00:25:53,286 --> 00:25:56,787
I'm sorry.
Are you okay?

531
00:25:56,789 --> 00:25:59,189
Are you crying?

532
00:25:59,191 --> 00:26:01,125
Don't cry, okay?

533
00:26:01,127 --> 00:26:02,993
(LAUGHING)

534
00:26:02,995 --> 00:26:04,161
Are you laughing?

535
00:26:04,163 --> 00:26:05,262
Who would cry?

536
00:26:05,264 --> 00:26:07,665
You farted in my face.

537
00:26:07,667 --> 00:26:10,100
I'm... it happened.

538
00:26:10,302 --> 00:26:12,102
I'm sorry.

539
00:26:28,787 --> 00:26:30,187
(ENERGETIC FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

540
00:28:45,056 --> 00:28:47,324
(WHISPERS) No fucking way.

541
00:29:29,100 --> 00:29:33,303
DONNA: Ew. I would
not hire myself in this.

542
00:29:33,305 --> 00:29:35,105
When do you start again?

543
00:29:35,107 --> 00:29:37,274
I'm on call,
which means that I only get

544
00:29:37,276 --> 00:29:39,176
to work if the other
receptionist gets sick.

545
00:29:39,178 --> 00:29:40,978
So we're praying for bird flu?

546
00:29:40,980 --> 00:29:42,379
DONNA: That's right.

547
00:29:44,349 --> 00:29:47,017
Oh, wow.
Cool, I have the dumbest
mirror face in the world.

548
00:29:47,019 --> 00:29:48,185
Please, everybody does.

549
00:29:48,187 --> 00:29:50,387
No, but I look like a shih tzu.

550
00:29:50,389 --> 00:29:52,289
I look like just
a little shih tzu.

551
00:29:52,291 --> 00:29:54,258
You just want to say "shit."

552
00:29:54,260 --> 00:29:56,860
That's... you know,
that's not not true.

553
00:29:56,862 --> 00:29:59,062
Here, try this on.

554
00:29:59,064 --> 00:30:03,834
Oh, wow. Thank you so much
for this
flammable piece of shit

555
00:30:03,836 --> 00:30:06,970
that's gonna give me
a rash in one second.

556
00:30:06,972 --> 00:30:10,541
And I also just activated,
like, an old whore's Bo.

557
00:30:10,543 --> 00:30:13,277
Oh, my boobs hurt really bad.

558
00:30:13,279 --> 00:30:15,279
Maybe you're pregnant.

559
00:30:25,824 --> 00:30:28,826
Hey, is this cute?
I mean, if it had a button,
would it be...

560
00:30:28,828 --> 00:30:30,294
What? What's wrong?

561
00:30:30,296 --> 00:30:32,596
Oh, my God, I'm pregnant.

562
00:30:32,598 --> 00:30:34,598
What? No! I was just kidding.

563
00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:37,234
No, I'm late.
I'm never late.

564
00:30:37,236 --> 00:30:39,570
And my boobs are
super-swollen and sore.

565
00:30:39,572 --> 00:30:41,371
No, it's just...
You're getting your period.

566
00:30:41,373 --> 00:30:43,841
No, I'm never boob-sore.
(SNIFFLING)

567
00:30:43,843 --> 00:30:47,578
Didn't you say that
when you found out
you were pregnant,

568
00:30:47,580 --> 00:30:51,148
the one sign was that
you had boob soreness?

569
00:30:51,150 --> 00:30:54,284
Yeah, but you and Ryan
haven't had sex in months.

570
00:30:54,286 --> 00:30:56,220
I know.

571
00:30:56,222 --> 00:31:00,891
Oh, my God!
You didn't use
a condom with pee farter?

572
00:31:00,893 --> 00:31:02,192
I don't...

573
00:31:02,194 --> 00:31:04,027
Of course, I did.

574
00:31:04,029 --> 00:31:06,129
I don't know.

575
00:31:06,931 --> 00:31:10,300
(GRUNTS) Hold on.

576
00:31:10,302 --> 00:31:13,637
Yes, I remember seeing a condom.

577
00:31:13,639 --> 00:31:16,306
I just don't know,
like, exactly what it did.

578
00:31:17,508 --> 00:31:19,910
Okay, look, you're probably not,

579
00:31:19,912 --> 00:31:22,112
but we'll go get a test.

580
00:31:22,114 --> 00:31:24,915
I have to pack
up the bookstore
in, like, 20 minutes.

581
00:31:24,917 --> 00:31:27,217
Okay, I'll go get a test,
and I'll meet you
at the bookstore.

582
00:31:27,219 --> 00:31:29,419
Okay?
Yeah.

583
00:31:29,421 --> 00:31:32,456
It's going to be fine.
I'm sure you're not.

584
00:31:33,291 --> 00:31:34,992
No, you're not.

585
00:31:37,195 --> 00:31:40,898
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

586
00:31:40,900 --> 00:31:43,467
It's weird that you guys
keep a radio on
in the bathroom.

587
00:31:43,469 --> 00:31:47,137
Yeah, gene has shy bowels,
and it helps him to go.

588
00:31:47,139 --> 00:31:48,272
Okay, I've set
the timer for three minutes.

589
00:31:48,274 --> 00:31:49,573
Okay.

590
00:31:49,575 --> 00:31:52,175
And...

591
00:31:52,177 --> 00:31:55,612
One line is not pregnant,
and plus sign...

592
00:31:55,614 --> 00:31:57,281
You are fucked.

593
00:31:58,516 --> 00:32:02,286
DONNA:
One line, one line, one line.

594
00:32:02,288 --> 00:32:04,187
Just going to take a big,
stinky shit
while we wait.

595
00:32:04,189 --> 00:32:06,189
Perfect. Cool timing.

596
00:32:07,325 --> 00:32:09,159
Don't stare at that stick.

597
00:32:09,161 --> 00:32:11,161
Okay. I'll just...

598
00:32:14,699 --> 00:32:16,266
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
(URINE TRICKLING)

599
00:32:17,368 --> 00:32:19,236
You're just peeing, right?

600
00:32:21,072 --> 00:32:22,506
Great.

601
00:32:24,208 --> 00:32:25,676
Do you want to
hear the story about

602
00:32:25,678 --> 00:32:27,358
when I went to get my
first pregnancy test?

603
00:32:28,513 --> 00:32:30,647
It was, like,
2.5 Miles between where

604
00:32:30,649 --> 00:32:33,150
we lived and where
the pharmacy was.

605
00:32:33,152 --> 00:32:37,321
(FADING AWAY) I couldn't ask
my mom to drive me,
so I had to...

606
00:32:37,323 --> 00:32:38,422
(HEARTBEAT POUNDING)

607
00:32:41,025 --> 00:32:42,125
(INAUDIBLE)

608
00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:51,601
DONNA:
If you've just tuned in,

609
00:32:51,603 --> 00:32:53,503
you're listening to
the Donna's brain show,

610
00:32:53,505 --> 00:32:56,073
and I'm the voice of the brain.

611
00:32:56,075 --> 00:33:03,246
Who, after being
dumped and losing her job,
recently had,

612
00:33:03,248 --> 00:33:07,551
excuse me, may have had
unprotected sex
with a stranger.

613
00:33:10,255 --> 00:33:12,522
Did I leave anything out?

614
00:33:12,524 --> 00:33:14,057
We used a condom.

615
00:33:15,593 --> 00:33:17,227
Okay, well,
that's not what I heard.

616
00:33:17,229 --> 00:33:19,696
Let's do this!

617
00:33:22,133 --> 00:33:23,233
Note the razor-sharp teeth.

618
00:33:23,235 --> 00:33:24,534
I got it!

619
00:33:26,270 --> 00:33:27,704
We should have
been using our hands.

620
00:33:27,706 --> 00:33:29,506
No. No way.

621
00:33:30,308 --> 00:33:31,441
(DONNA GRUNTING)

622
00:33:31,443 --> 00:33:32,542
Yes!

623
00:33:32,544 --> 00:33:34,711
I don't know any wrestles.

624
00:33:34,713 --> 00:33:37,447
Did you find it?
It's a five second rule.
Five second rule.

625
00:33:38,016 --> 00:33:39,683
Boop boop.

626
00:33:39,685 --> 00:33:42,619
Oh, come on. I think
that it was more like...

627
00:33:47,091 --> 00:33:50,027
DONNA:  Might it be correct
to say that you cannot recall?

628
00:33:50,029 --> 00:33:55,499
Russian roulette
with your vagina.

629
00:33:55,501 --> 00:33:58,635
Did you know that
hulk hogan's name is Terry?

630
00:34:00,271 --> 00:34:01,505
It's time.

631
00:34:01,507 --> 00:34:03,106
(PHONE ALARM RINGING)

632
00:34:03,108 --> 00:34:04,508
It's time.

633
00:34:07,779 --> 00:34:08,779
(TOILET FLUSHING)

634
00:34:12,617 --> 00:34:14,217
Oh, God, your face.

635
00:34:15,453 --> 00:34:17,120
DONNA: Oh, my God, barf rush.

636
00:34:19,590 --> 00:34:21,758
Do I have morning sickness?

637
00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:25,395
No, that's probably
just psychosomatic.

638
00:34:25,397 --> 00:34:27,164
Okay,
there's two tests in the box.
Let's take another one.

639
00:34:27,166 --> 00:34:28,765
(RETCHING) I'm sorry.
I'm going to throw up.

640
00:34:28,767 --> 00:34:30,534
Okay.

641
00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:33,503
(LOUD METALLIC CLANGING)

642
00:34:36,741 --> 00:34:38,275
(WATER RUNNING)

643
00:34:40,645 --> 00:34:42,279
(CLANGING RESUMES)

644
00:35:03,401 --> 00:35:04,701
(GASPING)

645
00:35:08,773 --> 00:35:11,174
Did somebody have a bad dream?
(SCREAMS) Oh, God, dad!

646
00:35:11,176 --> 00:35:14,311
That thing is
freakin' so frightening.

647
00:35:15,847 --> 00:35:19,316
Oh, I guess I am.

648
00:35:19,318 --> 00:35:21,751
Come on, give us a...
Come on, give us a kiss.

649
00:35:21,753 --> 00:35:23,153
(IMITATES KISSING)

650
00:35:23,155 --> 00:35:24,387
I love you. I love you.

651
00:35:24,389 --> 00:35:27,557
Kiss yourself.

652
00:35:27,559 --> 00:35:30,160
It's, like, 100 degrees in here.

653
00:35:30,162 --> 00:35:32,329
Puppets work best in heat.

654
00:35:32,331 --> 00:35:33,630
(MUFFLED GROANING)

655
00:35:53,618 --> 00:35:55,685
Hi, dawn.
Thanks for waiting.

656
00:35:58,523 --> 00:36:00,223
It's Donna.

657
00:36:00,225 --> 00:36:03,627
I'm so sorry.
Must have missed the "na."

658
00:36:03,629 --> 00:36:05,295
Where are my glasses?

659
00:36:05,297 --> 00:36:06,596
Um, here.

660
00:36:07,365 --> 00:36:08,565
Thank you, Donna.

661
00:36:08,567 --> 00:36:09,766
Mmm-hmm.

662
00:36:11,802 --> 00:36:15,205
Your test came back positive,
and you are indeed pregnant.

663
00:36:15,207 --> 00:36:16,606
Fuck!

664
00:36:17,241 --> 00:36:18,441
(EXHALES SHARPLY)

665
00:36:23,648 --> 00:36:25,482
Sorry for cursing.

666
00:36:25,484 --> 00:36:27,317
That's all right.
I've heard it all.

667
00:36:28,519 --> 00:36:30,620
So, let's talk
about your options.

668
00:36:31,189 --> 00:36:32,856
Um...

669
00:36:32,858 --> 00:36:35,258
I would like an abortion,
please.

670
00:36:35,260 --> 00:36:39,262
That sounds very insensitive.
I'm not sure.

671
00:36:39,264 --> 00:36:41,264
Sounds like I was ordering
at a drive-through,

672
00:36:41,266 --> 00:36:45,702
but I would like
an abortion, please.

673
00:36:45,704 --> 00:36:48,538
It's important that
you've put a lot of
thought into this,

674
00:36:48,540 --> 00:36:51,875
and that this
decision is entirely yours.

675
00:36:51,877 --> 00:36:53,510
I'd also like to
provide you with

676
00:36:53,512 --> 00:36:54,878
all the information
you need about abortion

677
00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:56,646
as well as other options.

678
00:36:57,215 --> 00:36:58,648
Yeah.

679
00:36:58,650 --> 00:37:01,851
Um, I have thought about it,

680
00:37:01,853 --> 00:37:04,487
and this is what I need to do.

681
00:37:05,223 --> 00:37:06,590
Okay.

682
00:37:09,327 --> 00:37:12,495
So, based on the first
day of your last period,

683
00:37:12,497 --> 00:37:17,534
you're about
three weeks along,
which is pretty early.

684
00:37:17,536 --> 00:37:22,005
In fact,
it's too early to get
the procedure done with us.

685
00:37:22,007 --> 00:37:23,473
Okay.

686
00:37:23,475 --> 00:37:26,276
It means you need to wait.

687
00:37:26,278 --> 00:37:28,678
I'd like to set
the appointment
for two weeks from today.

688
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:31,414
That'll put it on the 14th.

689
00:37:32,016 --> 00:37:33,016
February 14th?

690
00:37:33,018 --> 00:37:34,684
Yeah.

691
00:37:34,686 --> 00:37:35,686
Oh.

692
00:37:36,320 --> 00:37:37,921
Oh, my!

693
00:37:37,923 --> 00:37:40,390
I guess we could
do it the day after.

694
00:37:40,758 --> 00:37:41,825
Um...

695
00:37:41,827 --> 00:37:44,027
That's my mom's birthday.

696
00:37:45,396 --> 00:37:46,429
(CLICKS TONGUE)

697
00:37:47,665 --> 00:37:50,500
Can't even get
an abortion right.

698
00:37:50,502 --> 00:37:52,702
I'm guessing you
wouldn't want to
wait too much longer.

699
00:37:52,704 --> 00:37:55,839
No, let's have it...

700
00:37:55,841 --> 00:37:58,308
Let's do it on Valentine's day.

701
00:37:59,810 --> 00:38:01,778
Give this card to
the receptionist

702
00:38:01,780 --> 00:38:03,480
on your way out,
and she'll schedule you.

703
00:38:03,482 --> 00:38:05,582
Okay.

704
00:38:05,584 --> 00:38:06,883
(CLEARING THROAT)

705
00:38:07,652 --> 00:38:10,420
I should probably ask.

706
00:38:10,422 --> 00:38:12,956
How much does this cost?

707
00:38:12,958 --> 00:38:16,626
An in-clinic
procedure costs about $500.

708
00:38:17,461 --> 00:38:18,728
Really?

709
00:38:21,365 --> 00:38:23,633
(SNIFFLING) Sorry.

710
00:38:26,003 --> 00:38:31,007
That's, like,
my whole rent almost.

711
00:38:31,009 --> 00:38:35,679
But the cost also
covers an HIV test
as well as std testing.

712
00:38:35,681 --> 00:38:36,880
Do you have insurance?

713
00:38:38,883 --> 00:38:42,752
Well, if not, we can
provide financial
assistance if you qualify.

714
00:38:42,754 --> 00:38:44,020
Do you have medicaid?

715
00:38:44,022 --> 00:38:46,623
No.

716
00:38:46,625 --> 00:38:49,025
Any friends or
family that can help?

717
00:38:55,633 --> 00:38:57,867
Okay, I'm out of tape now.

718
00:38:59,337 --> 00:39:02,872
Hey, little lady,
is there any more tape?

719
00:39:02,874 --> 00:39:04,841
Yeah. Um...

720
00:39:04,843 --> 00:39:07,944
Yes, there is tape in the
bathroom on the top shelf.

721
00:39:25,062 --> 00:39:26,629
(BELL CHIMES)

722
00:39:27,665 --> 00:39:28,732
(SCREAMING)

723
00:39:28,734 --> 00:39:29,899
Whoa! Whoa!

724
00:39:29,901 --> 00:39:30,901
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

725
00:39:32,937 --> 00:39:34,838
I did the first
scream for screaming,

726
00:39:34,840 --> 00:39:36,806
and then the second scream I had

727
00:39:36,808 --> 00:39:38,475
from scaring myself
from the first scream.

728
00:39:38,477 --> 00:39:39,909
Yeah, I saw that.

729
00:39:41,045 --> 00:39:42,145
I'm gonna come in now, okay?

730
00:39:42,147 --> 00:39:43,580
Yeah.

731
00:39:43,582 --> 00:39:44,814
Ta-da.

732
00:39:44,816 --> 00:39:47,083
What are you doing here?

733
00:39:47,085 --> 00:39:48,551
You said you worked here, so...

734
00:39:48,553 --> 00:39:49,853
Oh, sure.

735
00:39:51,789 --> 00:39:53,690
Oh!

736
00:39:53,692 --> 00:39:57,060
The savage detectives.
This book is amazing.

737
00:39:57,062 --> 00:40:00,864
Well,
it can be yours for 99 cents.

738
00:40:00,866 --> 00:40:05,068
Hey, I, uh, just
passed a Mexican food truck
on the way over here.

739
00:40:05,070 --> 00:40:08,438
Do you wanna go get a bite?

740
00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:10,507
Ooh. I...

741
00:40:10,509 --> 00:40:12,475
When we hung out before,
you said, um...

742
00:40:17,548 --> 00:40:21,184
You said that you
could mouth fuck
the shit out of a burrito.

743
00:40:21,186 --> 00:40:23,019
Oh. God damn it. (LAUGHING)

744
00:40:24,088 --> 00:40:26,156
Yeah.
Okay.

745
00:40:26,158 --> 00:40:29,893
Also, do you remember
urinating in the street?

746
00:40:31,195 --> 00:40:32,996
Among other things.

747
00:40:32,998 --> 00:40:34,164
What?

748
00:40:35,433 --> 00:40:37,066
Oh, that was the main move.

749
00:40:37,068 --> 00:40:40,069
All right. Um...

750
00:40:40,071 --> 00:40:42,138
If you have time,
take a little break?

751
00:40:42,140 --> 00:40:45,909
Well, I can't leave
the store unmanned,
un-womaned.

752
00:40:45,911 --> 00:40:48,745
Of course, sure.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

753
00:40:49,814 --> 00:40:50,947
All right.

754
00:40:51,515 --> 00:40:54,050
Well...

755
00:40:54,052 --> 00:40:56,012
I'd love to take
you out sometime
on a proper date.

756
00:41:00,758 --> 00:41:03,626
Well, here's the thing,

757
00:41:03,628 --> 00:41:07,997
is that the store
is closing down,
and it's a hard time,

758
00:41:07,999 --> 00:41:11,134
and it's gonna take forever,
and I have to put all
the books in the boxes.

759
00:41:11,136 --> 00:41:14,938
I'm the only thing in a box,
and I'm not a book.

760
00:41:14,940 --> 00:41:16,105
Not yet.

761
00:41:16,107 --> 00:41:17,107
Yeah. Okay. Um...

762
00:41:18,642 --> 00:41:20,109
Totally.

763
00:41:20,111 --> 00:41:22,045
Yeah, don't worry about it.

764
00:41:24,615 --> 00:41:26,583
Oh, I...

765
00:41:26,585 --> 00:41:29,486
Yeah, I don't know
what I was thinking.

766
00:41:29,488 --> 00:41:31,588
I have a copy of this already.

767
00:41:37,528 --> 00:41:40,797
Well,
good luck with the closing.

768
00:41:40,799 --> 00:41:42,866
Thanks. You, too.

769
00:41:46,604 --> 00:41:48,705
(BELL CHIMES)

770
00:41:48,707 --> 00:41:51,274
I can't believe he
walked into the store.
That's a sign.

771
00:41:51,276 --> 00:41:53,710
And that would be
a sign saying...

772
00:41:53,712 --> 00:41:56,880
Like,
that I'm a present in a box,

773
00:41:56,882 --> 00:41:59,249
and that he and I should go
and start our
beautiful life together.

774
00:41:59,251 --> 00:42:00,750
You know,
I'm not a straight guy...

775
00:42:00,752 --> 00:42:02,919
Oh, what?

776
00:42:02,921 --> 00:42:05,188
...but my guess is
that most of them
would hate that gift.

777
00:42:05,190 --> 00:42:07,790
What? You're saying

778
00:42:07,792 --> 00:42:09,926
that a guy doesn't
want a drunk,
pregnant girl in a box?

779
00:42:09,928 --> 00:42:11,728
If you're a serial killer.

780
00:42:11,730 --> 00:42:14,931
Maybe you wanna tell him.

781
00:42:15,699 --> 00:42:17,700
No. Why? Why?

782
00:42:17,702 --> 00:42:19,736
You don't owe him anything.
You don't even know this guy.

783
00:42:19,738 --> 00:42:22,105
Maybe he just deserves to know
that, like, this happened.

784
00:42:22,107 --> 00:42:25,742
That I'm not psycho,
and I'm going to
get an abortion.

785
00:42:25,744 --> 00:42:28,611
You know,
if I got someone pregnant,
I would wanna know.

786
00:42:28,613 --> 00:42:30,847
If you got someone pregnant,
I would also want to know.

787
00:42:30,849 --> 00:42:34,684
'Cause all of a sudden,
some dude's mouth
would be pregnant.

788
00:42:34,686 --> 00:42:41,891
You are the one who has
to get this procedure,
pay for it,

789
00:42:41,893 --> 00:42:44,327
wear the fucking pad
with the big wings, okay?

790
00:42:44,329 --> 00:42:46,829
You think if he was pregnant,
he would be worrying
about you right now?

791
00:42:46,831 --> 00:42:48,932
No, he'd be trying to get
that fucking
thing out of his body.

792
00:42:48,934 --> 00:42:51,901
God damn it! You guys,
we already live in
a patriarchal society

793
00:42:51,903 --> 00:42:53,870
where a bunch of
weird old white men

794
00:42:53,872 --> 00:42:55,738
in robes get to
legislate our cunts.

795
00:42:55,740 --> 00:42:58,041
You just need to be
worrying about yourself.

796
00:42:58,043 --> 00:43:02,312
And why are you
looking at me like that,
you little bitches?

797
00:43:02,314 --> 00:43:04,747
Everything you're
saying is valid,

798
00:43:04,749 --> 00:43:07,917
but you are scaring my dick off.

799
00:43:07,919 --> 00:43:10,053
Anyway,
if your gut is to tell him,

800
00:43:10,055 --> 00:43:12,188
I say do it,
because he seems sweet.

801
00:43:12,990 --> 00:43:14,591
I'm exhausted now.

802
00:43:17,828 --> 00:43:19,729
Does it hurt?

803
00:43:19,731 --> 00:43:22,932
Does what hurt?

804
00:43:22,934 --> 00:43:25,001
You know, only you would know
if your vagina hurts or not.

805
00:43:25,003 --> 00:43:27,737
Okay. Does having
an abortion hurt?

806
00:43:27,739 --> 00:43:30,006
No, except for some
cramps afterwards,

807
00:43:30,008 --> 00:43:32,275
but they feel just
like period cramps.

808
00:43:35,613 --> 00:43:37,880
Just take me
through it snip-by-snip.

809
00:43:37,882 --> 00:43:40,049
Okay, first of all,
there is no snips,

810
00:43:40,051 --> 00:43:43,019
and the whole thing
literally takes,
like, five minutes.

811
00:43:43,021 --> 00:43:45,254
That's amazing.
You don't even have
to clear your schedge.

812
00:43:45,256 --> 00:43:46,889
No, you still need
the whole day.

813
00:43:46,891 --> 00:43:50,660
Well, you don't have
to clear your schedge,
'cause there's nothing on it.

814
00:43:50,662 --> 00:43:52,695
(SIGHS)

815
00:43:52,697 --> 00:43:54,631
How often do you think about it?

816
00:43:54,633 --> 00:43:57,800
I think about it sometimes.
Once in a while.

817
00:43:57,802 --> 00:44:01,638
And then I get really sad
for my little teenage self.

818
00:44:01,640 --> 00:44:03,640
But I never regret it.

819
00:44:04,775 --> 00:44:06,275
And did you ever tell your mom?

820
00:44:06,277 --> 00:44:08,878
No, she thought I
was at field hockey.

821
00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:10,046
Were you the goalie?

822
00:44:10,048 --> 00:44:11,781
Of course I was the goalie.

823
00:44:19,957 --> 00:44:21,858
Oh. I'm glad you're here.

824
00:44:21,860 --> 00:44:25,762
You're like
an Eileen fisher ninja.

825
00:44:25,764 --> 00:44:28,898
I wanted to continue
our discussion
about your future.

826
00:44:28,900 --> 00:44:32,835
Okay, well, I have something
that I would like to
talk to you about as well.

827
00:44:32,837 --> 00:44:33,837
I'd like to go first.

828
00:44:33,838 --> 00:44:35,004
Great.

829
00:44:35,006 --> 00:44:36,839
I couldn't sleep last night.

830
00:44:36,841 --> 00:44:39,409
So I made a spreadsheet
of all of your expenses,

831
00:44:39,411 --> 00:44:41,778
job opportunities
and miscellaneous tasks

832
00:44:41,780 --> 00:44:44,080
that I think you
should focus on.

833
00:44:44,082 --> 00:44:46,749
Okay, um, well,
you didn't need to do that.

834
00:44:46,751 --> 00:44:48,351
No shit.

835
00:44:48,353 --> 00:44:50,119
I have a student in
my office right now,

836
00:44:50,121 --> 00:44:51,821
and I have one about
to deliver something.

837
00:44:51,823 --> 00:44:52,989
So, we'll do it afterwards,
all right?

838
00:44:52,991 --> 00:44:55,458
Mmm-hmm.

839
00:44:55,460 --> 00:44:58,127
Oh, and could you please
go through the mail?

840
00:44:58,129 --> 00:45:00,129
I'm still getting
your student loan crap.

841
00:45:05,436 --> 00:45:06,836
(KNOCK AT DOOR)

842
00:45:07,371 --> 00:45:08,871
It's open.

843
00:45:11,975 --> 00:45:13,109
Hello.

844
00:45:14,044 --> 00:45:15,211
Are you fucking kidding me?

845
00:45:16,180 --> 00:45:17,180
Oh, fuck!

846
00:45:18,348 --> 00:45:20,249
I'm sorry.
I just, um...

847
00:45:22,286 --> 00:45:24,120
I'm not stalking you.
This isn't a...

848
00:45:24,888 --> 00:45:27,290
Oh, my God.

849
00:45:27,292 --> 00:45:29,225
Professor stern. I'm just...
I'm looking for
Professor stern.

850
00:45:29,227 --> 00:45:32,061
Yeah. She's my mom.

851
00:45:32,063 --> 00:45:33,496
She's your mom?
Yeah.

852
00:45:33,498 --> 00:45:35,164
Uh...

853
00:45:35,166 --> 00:45:37,166
She's a genius.

854
00:45:37,168 --> 00:45:39,168
Okay, seriously though,
she's, like,

855
00:45:39,170 --> 00:45:41,738
the best Professor I
had in business school.

856
00:45:41,740 --> 00:45:42,972
I see you about to
roll your eyes again,

857
00:45:42,974 --> 00:45:44,107
all right?
But that's the truth.

858
00:45:44,109 --> 00:45:45,875
She lit a fire in my belly.

859
00:45:45,877 --> 00:45:49,479
Oh, okay.
Well, that's called diarrhea.

860
00:45:49,481 --> 00:45:52,381
I'm sorry, but you just handed
that one to me
like a little present.

861
00:45:52,383 --> 00:45:56,319
Yeah, you know,
we've hung out before.

862
00:45:56,321 --> 00:46:01,991
Anyway,
your mother lent me this book
a couple of months ago,

863
00:46:01,993 --> 00:46:04,527
and I'm just trying to
get it back to her, so...

864
00:46:04,529 --> 00:46:06,195
Thank you.

865
00:46:06,930 --> 00:46:08,364
Oh, come on.

866
00:46:09,266 --> 00:46:10,533
You made fun of my shoes?

867
00:46:11,468 --> 00:46:13,336
Oh, these are my mom's.

868
00:46:14,972 --> 00:46:16,239
Do you wanna try them on?

869
00:46:16,774 --> 00:46:17,874
No.

870
00:46:19,276 --> 00:46:21,377
All right, yeah, I would.

871
00:46:34,992 --> 00:46:36,159
That's amazing.

872
00:46:37,261 --> 00:46:39,495
I don't do hard drugs,

873
00:46:39,497 --> 00:46:42,098
but I imagine this is
what it feels
like to shoot heroin.

874
00:46:42,100 --> 00:46:44,000
Yeah, oh, they're so soft.

875
00:46:44,002 --> 00:46:46,302
They're made out of,
like, angel's titty skins.

876
00:46:46,304 --> 00:46:50,573
Yeah,
and then she said that, so...

877
00:46:52,009 --> 00:46:53,509
There you go.

878
00:46:59,883 --> 00:47:01,117
(MAX CLICKS HIS TONGUE)

879
00:47:04,087 --> 00:47:05,288
So...

880
00:47:09,593 --> 00:47:12,461
Sorry, do you wanna go
get some food or something?

881
00:47:16,567 --> 00:47:18,434
Are you two ready to order?

882
00:47:18,436 --> 00:47:19,602
You know what?
Actually, I haven't had...

883
00:47:19,604 --> 00:47:24,307
Um, we'll each have
the chicken piccata
over linguine, please.

884
00:47:24,309 --> 00:47:26,475
Of course. Your favorite.

885
00:47:27,344 --> 00:47:28,978
Thank you.

886
00:47:31,248 --> 00:47:34,016
Wow.
You are a serious regular.

887
00:47:34,018 --> 00:47:36,285
It's, like,
the one place where I can go

888
00:47:36,287 --> 00:47:38,487
and wear my diaper
and feel that I fit in.

889
00:47:38,489 --> 00:47:41,157
Got it.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

890
00:47:41,159 --> 00:47:44,560
I also don't normally order
for the person that
I'm with at a restaurant,

891
00:47:44,562 --> 00:47:48,264
but the chicken
piccata is the best
that this place has to offer.

892
00:47:48,266 --> 00:47:50,566
It's the gem.
It's the crown jewel.

893
00:47:50,568 --> 00:47:53,169
You got to have it.

894
00:47:53,171 --> 00:47:57,106
Well, there is nothing better
than some hot
bread and butter.

895
00:47:57,474 --> 00:47:58,641
Yeah.

896
00:48:00,644 --> 00:48:02,478
Here you go.

897
00:48:05,449 --> 00:48:07,650
Did you just warm
this butter up for me?

898
00:48:07,652 --> 00:48:09,151
Yeah.

899
00:48:10,454 --> 00:48:12,388
That's really nice.

900
00:48:15,292 --> 00:48:17,360
That's just what you do.

901
00:48:20,497 --> 00:48:23,199
Max, I have
something I wanna tell you.

902
00:48:23,201 --> 00:48:24,500
What's up?

903
00:48:30,107 --> 00:48:32,108
I have to go to the bathroom.

904
00:48:32,943 --> 00:48:34,443
Great.

905
00:48:34,445 --> 00:48:35,845
I kind of walked
into that one, huh?

906
00:48:36,980 --> 00:48:38,247
Indeed.

907
00:48:38,249 --> 00:48:41,150
Aren't you wearing a diaper?

908
00:48:41,152 --> 00:48:42,618
Yeah, I'm not gonna spend it
on a number one.

909
00:48:42,620 --> 00:48:44,287
Okay.

910
00:48:44,289 --> 00:48:45,569
Diaper is for the heavy lifting.

911
00:48:51,161 --> 00:48:54,630
Hey, Max, remember from before
when we did sex to each other?

912
00:48:57,267 --> 00:48:59,568
Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

913
00:48:59,570 --> 00:49:03,072
Max, I love you.
I'm having your abortion.

914
00:49:03,074 --> 00:49:08,244
Lead with that.
Definitely lead with that.
Perfect. That's perfect.

915
00:49:11,014 --> 00:49:12,415
Hey.
Hello.

916
00:49:20,991 --> 00:49:23,526
Um, do you see this couple?

917
00:49:24,695 --> 00:49:26,429
Yeah.

918
00:49:26,431 --> 00:49:29,231
They're incredible.

919
00:49:29,233 --> 00:49:33,235
The entire time you were gone,
she has been reading
off the menu to him,

920
00:49:33,237 --> 00:49:35,677
and he points at a new item,
and she just
tells him what it is.

921
00:49:38,175 --> 00:49:41,577
Maybe he just likes to hear
his favorite
things read out loud.

922
00:49:41,579 --> 00:49:43,112
That's what I thought.

923
00:49:44,047 --> 00:49:45,414
I just love couples like this.

924
00:49:46,416 --> 00:49:48,617
It's not a line.

925
00:49:48,619 --> 00:49:50,653
But I can't wait
to be a grandpa.

926
00:49:52,622 --> 00:49:54,423
Oh, man, yeah.

927
00:49:59,262 --> 00:50:01,497
(CHUCKLING)

928
00:50:01,499 --> 00:50:05,034
Really hitting that bread.
You're gonna have
room for that piccata?

929
00:50:05,036 --> 00:50:06,669
Two.
Yeah? Okay.

930
00:50:13,176 --> 00:50:15,211
You got any shows coming up?

931
00:50:15,213 --> 00:50:18,080
I do. I have one
tomorrow night, actually.

932
00:50:18,082 --> 00:50:19,148
Awesome.

933
00:50:19,150 --> 00:50:20,282
Yeah.

934
00:50:21,084 --> 00:50:22,785
Where?

935
00:50:22,787 --> 00:50:24,453
Same place.
Always same place.

936
00:50:24,455 --> 00:50:26,088
Cool. Cool.

937
00:50:27,691 --> 00:50:29,492
Can I come?

938
00:50:29,494 --> 00:50:31,093
Shit. Shit! Shit!

939
00:50:31,095 --> 00:50:33,029
I don't have to.

940
00:50:33,031 --> 00:50:35,197
No, no, no.
You stepped in shit.

941
00:50:35,199 --> 00:50:36,665
What?
Shit!

942
00:50:36,667 --> 00:50:38,567
Oh, come on!
(LAUGHING)

943
00:50:39,236 --> 00:50:41,103
These are my only shoes.

944
00:50:41,105 --> 00:50:42,505
Yeah, yeah, I know.

945
00:50:42,507 --> 00:50:43,706
(SIGHS)

946
00:50:43,708 --> 00:50:45,107
This is great. You're just...

947
00:50:45,109 --> 00:50:46,242
No, no. I'm just...

948
00:50:46,244 --> 00:50:48,411
I'm glad it's... yeah.

949
00:50:48,413 --> 00:50:50,346
I'm just, you know,
just trying to get...

950
00:50:50,348 --> 00:50:52,181
You stamped right
down on the doodie.

951
00:50:52,183 --> 00:50:53,749
Okay!

952
00:50:54,751 --> 00:50:56,619
All right.

953
00:50:56,621 --> 00:50:58,187
You almost got it out?
Yeah.

954
00:50:58,189 --> 00:51:00,556
You're almost cleared?

955
00:51:00,558 --> 00:51:01,690
(LAUGHING)

956
00:51:01,692 --> 00:51:06,629
Well,
I'm gonna go get some bleach,
and I'll see you tomorrow.

957
00:51:06,631 --> 00:51:08,497
Okay.
Good night.

958
00:51:09,332 --> 00:51:11,200
Are you limping?

959
00:51:11,202 --> 00:51:12,668
I don't wanna
get it on my pants.

960
00:51:14,337 --> 00:51:17,673
Yeah. My father was, like,
a funny dude, man, my father.

961
00:51:17,675 --> 00:51:19,742
I think he's
the reason why I do comedy.

962
00:51:19,744 --> 00:51:23,646
He's like a cross between
bill cosby and Richard pryor.

963
00:51:23,648 --> 00:51:27,817
He was cosby, like, in that
he'd hide snacks
around the house.

964
00:51:27,819 --> 00:51:30,119
And he was like Richard pryor

965
00:51:30,121 --> 00:51:31,587
in that he freebased cocaine.

966
00:51:31,589 --> 00:51:33,422
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

967
00:51:33,424 --> 00:51:34,757
Can I get a seltzer?

968
00:51:34,759 --> 00:51:36,559
SAM: What's up?

969
00:51:36,561 --> 00:51:38,627
You're a jumpy little kitty.

970
00:51:39,329 --> 00:51:40,796
When do I go on?

971
00:51:40,798 --> 00:51:45,334
We're gonna have to end early,
set up for
an '80s dance party.

972
00:51:45,336 --> 00:51:49,705
No. Can you just let
me get five minutes?
I just wanna do five minutes.

973
00:51:49,707 --> 00:51:52,141
You still doing
that break-up material?

974
00:51:52,143 --> 00:51:56,879
I'm just doing my comedy,
which is just talking
about my life, so...

975
00:51:56,881 --> 00:51:59,215
Don't look at my shit
while I'm
writing it down, man.

976
00:51:59,217 --> 00:52:00,583
What? No, that's funny.

977
00:52:00,585 --> 00:52:02,585
I think my bodega
man judges me, too.

978
00:52:02,587 --> 00:52:03,886
Yeah.

979
00:52:05,255 --> 00:52:06,722
How was Los Angeles?

980
00:52:06,724 --> 00:52:12,228
Yeah,
I was in LA for three weeks,
three shitty weeks.

981
00:52:12,230 --> 00:52:14,563
I fucking hate that place.

982
00:52:14,565 --> 00:52:16,832
Running around,
driving a gold kia.
That's all they had.

983
00:52:16,834 --> 00:52:18,200
Well, there was a screw-up...

984
00:52:18,202 --> 00:52:20,302
Had to drive a gold kia?

985
00:52:20,304 --> 00:52:22,838
I did not pick out a gold kia.

986
00:52:22,840 --> 00:52:26,909
I would pick out
a pewter kia, taupe, tasmine,

987
00:52:26,911 --> 00:52:30,813
which is combo of
taupe and Jasmine.

988
00:52:30,815 --> 00:52:33,682
But it now looks like I will be

989
00:52:33,684 --> 00:52:37,319
moving out there
for pilot season.

990
00:52:37,321 --> 00:52:38,888
Really?
Yeah. I, uh...

991
00:52:40,157 --> 00:52:42,291
I sold a pilot.

992
00:52:42,293 --> 00:52:43,659
Oh, wow. Congrats.

993
00:52:43,661 --> 00:52:46,362
Yeah, but let's get out of here.

994
00:52:46,364 --> 00:52:49,165
Seriously.
No, Donna, listen to me.

995
00:52:49,167 --> 00:52:51,400
I'm house sitting
for this crazy
rich friend of mine.

996
00:52:51,402 --> 00:52:52,501
I mean crazy rich.

997
00:52:52,503 --> 00:52:53,836
It's awesome. It's huge.

998
00:52:53,838 --> 00:52:56,338
All modern like
the stuff when you read

999
00:52:56,340 --> 00:52:58,607
in the back of those
rich people's magazines

1000
00:52:58,609 --> 00:53:00,342
that they have at the airport.

1001
00:53:00,344 --> 00:53:01,710
Oh, man, I don't know.

1002
00:53:01,712 --> 00:53:03,212
Donna, you haven't
hung out in forever.

1003
00:53:03,214 --> 00:53:06,949
We'll get a crew together.
It'll be like the old times.

1004
00:53:06,951 --> 00:53:09,418
What rap group
from 1997 are you in?

1005
00:53:09,420 --> 00:53:11,854
Whodini.
(LAUGHING)

1006
00:53:11,856 --> 00:53:14,690
No, it was two
different kinds of mustard.

1007
00:53:14,692 --> 00:53:18,594
Man, it's colder than
a witch's titty out here.
There we go.

1008
00:53:18,596 --> 00:53:20,729
Oh!

1009
00:53:20,731 --> 00:53:22,331
No, did I miss it?
Yeah.

1010
00:53:22,333 --> 00:53:23,832
I'm so sorry.

1011
00:53:23,834 --> 00:53:26,368
I was trying to
leave three hours ago.

1012
00:53:26,370 --> 00:53:28,537
That's okay. Um...

1013
00:53:28,539 --> 00:53:32,641
I'm gonna go hang out
with some comedians.

1014
00:53:33,310 --> 00:53:34,877
Oh.

1015
00:53:34,879 --> 00:53:36,378
You coming or what?

1016
00:53:36,380 --> 00:53:38,314
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just one sec.

1017
00:53:38,316 --> 00:53:40,583
I mean, you can come,
but I just think
it might be boring

1018
00:53:40,585 --> 00:53:43,419
or actually very
depressing probably.

1019
00:53:45,255 --> 00:53:46,722
Is it just the two of you?

1020
00:53:46,724 --> 00:53:47,890
It's not like that.

1021
00:53:49,426 --> 00:53:51,527
That's what it looks like.

1022
00:53:51,529 --> 00:53:53,495
Um...

1023
00:53:53,497 --> 00:53:57,700
Well, thank you for
coming to Brooklyn,
but you didn't have to.

1024
00:53:58,401 --> 00:54:00,002
You invited me.

1025
00:54:00,004 --> 00:54:02,938
Well, I didn't think that
we made, like, concrete plans.

1026
00:54:02,940 --> 00:54:05,674
Yo, this driver is
getting disgruntled.

1027
00:54:05,676 --> 00:54:08,711
Okay, one sec.
I need to go, but I am sorry.

1028
00:54:08,713 --> 00:54:09,845
Me, too.

1029
00:54:10,981 --> 00:54:12,615
Have fun.

1030
00:54:17,488 --> 00:54:21,790
My therapist, this is for real,

1031
00:54:21,792 --> 00:54:26,996
refers to stand-up as plays.
I'm serious.

1032
00:54:26,998 --> 00:54:30,899
Like,
"you did a play last night.
How was your play?

1033
00:54:30,901 --> 00:54:32,401
"How was your play?
Was it good?"

1034
00:54:32,403 --> 00:54:33,902
Is your therapist your Nana?

1035
00:54:33,904 --> 00:54:35,504
No, she's your Nana, actually.

1036
00:54:35,506 --> 00:54:36,839
Oh, Nana!

1037
00:54:36,841 --> 00:54:38,307
That's why I go to her.

1038
00:54:38,309 --> 00:54:39,575
(LAUGHING) Oh, yeah.

1039
00:54:39,577 --> 00:54:40,776
Dominican woman, right?

1040
00:54:40,778 --> 00:54:45,714
Yeah, pear-shaped,
huge Marley fan.

1041
00:54:45,716 --> 00:54:49,852
Oh, yeah.
No, you've definitely,
yeah, nailed down my lineage.

1042
00:54:49,854 --> 00:54:51,987
All right, well...

1043
00:54:58,361 --> 00:55:00,362
Hey, how come we've never
done this before?

1044
00:55:00,364 --> 00:55:02,331
(CHUCKLING) Um...

1045
00:55:02,333 --> 00:55:04,933
Because a few years ago,
I rejected you,

1046
00:55:04,935 --> 00:55:07,770
and you've been
the worst to me ever since.

1047
00:55:11,708 --> 00:55:12,975
So cheers.

1048
00:55:14,311 --> 00:55:15,511
Right.

1049
00:55:16,680 --> 00:55:18,847
Oh, shit. Fuck!

1050
00:55:18,849 --> 00:55:20,883
Oh. Um...

1051
00:55:20,885 --> 00:55:23,519
I have a stain stick.
I really do.

1052
00:55:23,521 --> 00:55:26,822
That's all chemicals.
This is wine.
I got to soak it.

1053
00:55:33,930 --> 00:55:35,464
(SLOW R&B MUSIC PLAYING)

1054
00:55:40,670 --> 00:55:42,771
Oh... what?

1055
00:55:42,773 --> 00:55:44,673
It was either this or
the baggy sweatshirt.

1056
00:55:44,675 --> 00:55:47,676
Then why didn't you choose
the baggy sweatshirt?

1057
00:55:47,678 --> 00:55:49,111
'Cause I wanted to
look nice for you.

1058
00:55:49,113 --> 00:55:53,716
It's gonna be very
hard to have
a conversation with you

1059
00:55:53,718 --> 00:55:56,485
while you're wearing
that ladies' camisole.

1060
00:55:56,487 --> 00:55:58,821
Well,
then I'll do all the talking.

1061
00:55:59,756 --> 00:56:01,423
What were we talking about?

1062
00:56:01,425 --> 00:56:02,591
I don't know.
You just erased my mind.

1063
00:56:02,593 --> 00:56:04,360
Oh. (SNAPS FINGERS)

1064
00:56:04,362 --> 00:56:05,828
Break-ups.
Hmm.

1065
00:56:06,062 --> 00:56:08,364
Yeah.

1066
00:56:08,366 --> 00:56:11,500
I just recently went
through a pretty bad one.

1067
00:56:12,068 --> 00:56:13,435
She cheated on you?

1068
00:56:13,437 --> 00:56:15,537
Oh, worse.

1069
00:56:15,539 --> 00:56:18,707
What's worse than
getting cheated on?
Think about it.

1070
00:56:19,976 --> 00:56:22,911
I mean, I don't
understand how a person

1071
00:56:22,913 --> 00:56:24,646
who can claim
that they love you,

1072
00:56:24,648 --> 00:56:26,148
act like they love you,

1073
00:56:26,150 --> 00:56:28,384
say it in words,
say it in action,

1074
00:56:28,386 --> 00:56:33,389
can then turn around
in that same breath
and tell you

1075
00:56:34,624 --> 00:56:37,159
that they don't do anal.

1076
00:56:37,161 --> 00:56:39,561
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Jesus Christ.

1077
00:56:39,563 --> 00:56:41,830
What? I was kidding.

1078
00:56:41,832 --> 00:56:43,465
Are you leaving?

1079
00:56:43,467 --> 00:56:46,402
Uh...
Yeah, I'm gonna do that now.

1080
00:56:46,404 --> 00:56:47,469
I was kidding.

1081
00:56:48,738 --> 00:56:50,005
Of course she did anal.

1082
00:56:50,007 --> 00:56:53,742
No, she was Greek catholic.
You know how they are.

1083
00:56:53,744 --> 00:56:57,479
I don't care about the anal
or your stupid loft or any...

1084
00:56:57,481 --> 00:57:00,449
I can't even believe
I've made it this deep
into this experience.

1085
00:57:00,451 --> 00:57:03,585
You know what I think,
is that you should
stay the night here,

1086
00:57:03,587 --> 00:57:08,090
and we can keep talking
and work some stuff out.

1087
00:57:08,092 --> 00:57:10,058
Oh!

1088
00:57:10,060 --> 00:57:13,896
Donna, come on.
You didn't even
see the shower.

1089
00:57:13,898 --> 00:57:17,599
Donna! All right,
I'm gonna jerk off.
You're missing it.

1090
00:57:25,542 --> 00:57:26,675
(SIGHS)

1091
00:57:38,755 --> 00:57:42,658
(VOICE BREAKING) Hi,
it's Donna.

1092
00:57:42,660 --> 00:57:45,661
I'm really
sorry about tonight.
I'm really, really sorry.

1093
00:57:45,663 --> 00:57:49,998
I never should have just...

1094
00:57:50,000 --> 00:57:54,570
I saw you,
and I got very nervous.
I got taken by surprise.

1095
00:57:54,572 --> 00:57:56,071
I have something that I wanna
talk to you about,

1096
00:57:56,073 --> 00:57:58,674
and I've been
meaning to talk to you.

1097
00:57:58,676 --> 00:58:01,143
And I don't wanna
leave it on your voice-mail.

1098
00:58:01,145 --> 00:58:04,780
So, will you call
me back, please?

1099
00:58:04,782 --> 00:58:06,482
Thank you. Bye-bye.

1100
00:58:15,959 --> 00:58:18,193
Sir, can you turn around
and go to Manhattan, please?

1101
00:58:18,195 --> 00:58:20,696
MAN: You said Brooklyn.

1102
00:58:20,698 --> 00:58:22,097
I changed my mind.

1103
00:58:26,970 --> 00:58:28,604
(SNIFFLING)

1104
00:58:34,177 --> 00:58:35,177
(SOBBING)

1105
00:59:05,909 --> 00:59:07,109
Hi.

1106
00:59:08,778 --> 00:59:10,178
Are you sick?

1107
00:59:12,015 --> 00:59:13,649
What time is it?

1108
00:59:13,651 --> 00:59:15,717
I think probably midnight.

1109
00:59:15,719 --> 00:59:18,153
What's wrong? What going on?

1110
00:59:18,155 --> 00:59:20,556
Mom, can I come in bed with you?

1111
00:59:21,224 --> 00:59:22,257
Yeah.

1112
00:59:24,260 --> 00:59:25,661
What's the matter, sweetie?

1113
00:59:25,663 --> 00:59:26,663
(SNIFFLING)

1114
00:59:27,630 --> 00:59:29,598
Talk to me.

1115
00:59:35,071 --> 00:59:38,273
(SOBBING) I'm pregnant,
and I'm having an abortion.

1116
00:59:38,275 --> 00:59:39,575
(SNIFFLING)

1117
00:59:40,109 --> 00:59:41,743
(SIGHING)

1118
00:59:41,745 --> 00:59:43,712
Thank God. (CHUCKLES)

1119
00:59:43,714 --> 00:59:45,614
I thought you
were gonna tell me
you were moving to LA.

1120
00:59:45,616 --> 00:59:47,950
What? No.

1121
00:59:48,318 --> 00:59:50,886
(SOBBING)

1122
00:59:50,888 --> 00:59:53,922
Oh, God.
I was so scared to tell you.

1123
00:59:53,924 --> 00:59:57,726
Oh, sweetheart,
I know that we haven't
been getting along lately,

1124
00:59:57,728 --> 01:00:00,729
but you should never
be afraid to talk to me.

1125
01:00:02,332 --> 01:00:03,632
I was...

1126
01:00:07,870 --> 01:00:09,871
I was scared that

1127
01:00:09,873 --> 01:00:14,643
you'd be very angry
and very disappointed.

1128
01:00:14,645 --> 01:00:16,211
Well, I'm neither.

1129
01:00:18,314 --> 01:00:22,150
Look, I can't believe
I never told you this,

1130
01:00:22,152 --> 01:00:25,120
but when I was in college,
I had an abortion.

1131
01:00:26,055 --> 01:00:27,856
Dad's?

1132
01:00:27,858 --> 01:00:29,358
No. God. Not your father's.

1133
01:00:29,360 --> 01:00:33,762
No, it was my college
boyfriend's, Robert.

1134
01:00:33,764 --> 01:00:36,765
And abortions were
illegal in those days,

1135
01:00:36,767 --> 01:00:41,136
so your grandma
had to drive me
in the family station wagon

1136
01:00:41,138 --> 01:00:43,405
all the way to New Jersey.

1137
01:00:43,407 --> 01:00:47,342
And we had to go
to some stranger's apartment.

1138
01:00:47,344 --> 01:00:49,911
When I got up there,
there was 12 other women

1139
01:00:49,913 --> 01:00:53,348
just sitting there in
some kind of stupor.

1140
01:00:53,350 --> 01:00:57,152
And they put me up
on the kitchen table,

1141
01:00:57,154 --> 01:00:59,888
they gave me some kind of shot
to put me out,

1142
01:00:59,890 --> 01:01:01,923
and that was that.

1143
01:01:01,925 --> 01:01:05,961
Next night, I was dancing
at your aunt's sweet 16 party.

1144
01:01:09,666 --> 01:01:10,799
I didn't know that.

1145
01:01:15,238 --> 01:01:18,206
You know, I was going through
some old papers,

1146
01:01:18,208 --> 01:01:21,877
and I found this
book the other day

1147
01:01:21,879 --> 01:01:25,414
that you had written
when you were 11 years old.

1148
01:01:25,416 --> 01:01:27,015
I wrote a book?

1149
01:01:27,017 --> 01:01:28,417
Yes, you don't remember?

1150
01:01:29,852 --> 01:01:31,720
You wrote it to me.

1151
01:01:31,722 --> 01:01:35,691
You sent me a chapter
every week from camp.

1152
01:01:35,693 --> 01:01:39,761
It was about this
little girl detective
named winks.

1153
01:01:41,197 --> 01:01:43,765
She had a twitch. (LAUGHING)

1154
01:01:45,068 --> 01:01:48,070
Oh, I have a book
for you actually

1155
01:01:48,072 --> 01:01:51,740
that one of your
students dropped it off,

1156
01:01:51,742 --> 01:01:54,843
and somehow it
slipped my mind.
I forgot to give it to you.

1157
01:01:54,845 --> 01:01:56,778
Max brown.

1158
01:01:58,314 --> 01:02:00,315
Is he, like, a teacher's pet?

1159
01:02:00,317 --> 01:02:03,485
Did he compliment you
on your alpaca sweater?

1160
01:02:03,487 --> 01:02:08,356
Actually,
he's a very good student
and a pretty good writer, too.

1161
01:02:09,992 --> 01:02:11,059
Hmm.
Interesting.

1162
01:02:11,061 --> 01:02:12,794
Why are you asking about Max?

1163
01:02:12,796 --> 01:02:14,429
There's no reason.
Mmm-hmm.

1164
01:02:16,065 --> 01:02:18,133
Because he's not your type.

1165
01:02:18,901 --> 01:02:21,002
Okay, what is my type?

1166
01:02:21,004 --> 01:02:22,771
Um...

1167
01:02:22,773 --> 01:02:24,740
Smelly.
Mom!

1168
01:02:24,742 --> 01:02:27,442
Ryan didn't wear deodorants
with antiperspirant in them,

1169
01:02:27,444 --> 01:02:32,814
Right.
I would rather not remember
smelling like garbage

1170
01:02:32,816 --> 01:02:36,384
than remember that
I'd been stinking
my entire life.

1171
01:02:36,386 --> 01:02:38,353
(BOTH LAUGHING)

1172
01:02:38,355 --> 01:02:41,990
Oh, yeah, okay,
that was, like,
a very funny observation.

1173
01:02:41,992 --> 01:02:43,325
Thank you.

1174
01:02:43,327 --> 01:02:44,860
You made a full joke.

1175
01:03:15,424 --> 01:03:20,162
Darn it.
I thought I would fool you
with my 212 number.

1176
01:03:20,164 --> 01:03:24,232
Um, hello, it's me again,
calling you again.

1177
01:03:26,169 --> 01:03:29,070
I, uh...
I... (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

1178
01:03:29,072 --> 01:03:31,373
I can't remember
the last time I left a number

1179
01:03:31,375 --> 01:03:34,009
in my own speaking voice, so...

1180
01:03:34,011 --> 01:03:35,877
Anyway, here it is.

1181
01:03:35,879 --> 01:03:37,279
Um...

1182
01:03:37,281 --> 01:03:40,448
I am gonna be at
the store until 5:00

1183
01:03:40,450 --> 01:03:44,886
and then maybe attempting
to make people
laugh around 8:30.

1184
01:03:44,888 --> 01:03:46,321
Um...

1185
01:03:46,323 --> 01:03:49,024
You should stop by
if you feel like it.

1186
01:03:49,026 --> 01:03:53,495
I promise I won't
leave with a stranger
unless that stranger is you.

1187
01:03:54,330 --> 01:03:55,597
Goodbye.

1188
01:04:07,476 --> 01:04:09,911
JOEY:  They say to
be yourself on dates,

1189
01:04:09,913 --> 01:04:12,981
but I actually think
that's horrible
advice from my experience.

1190
01:04:12,983 --> 01:04:17,152
No one wants to talk about
how Jeffrey dahmer
was actually hot.

1191
01:04:17,154 --> 01:04:18,854
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)

1192
01:04:18,856 --> 01:04:22,457
Or how it's offensive
that I'm not his type.

1193
01:04:28,397 --> 01:04:31,166
You are gonna kill it out there.

1194
01:04:31,168 --> 01:04:34,903
I actually have an appointment
to do that tomorrow.
I'm sorry.

1195
01:04:34,905 --> 01:04:35,971
(BOTH LAUGHING)

1196
01:04:35,973 --> 01:04:38,039
Oh, boy. Okay.

1197
01:04:39,642 --> 01:04:41,076
What do you want to drink?

1198
01:04:41,078 --> 01:04:42,043
Seltzer, please.

1199
01:04:42,045 --> 01:04:43,211
One seltzer.

1200
01:04:48,985 --> 01:04:51,453
JOEY:  I really wanna
bring the next comic
to the stage now,

1201
01:04:51,455 --> 01:04:55,323
because I think
everything about her
is fucking cool.

1202
01:04:55,325 --> 01:04:59,461
And I think that you guys are
definitely going to
agree with me on this.

1203
01:04:59,463 --> 01:05:03,398
She is hot as
shit and brilliant.

1204
01:05:03,400 --> 01:05:06,468
Everyone,
please welcome Donna stern.

1205
01:05:06,470 --> 01:05:07,936
(AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING)

1206
01:05:12,008 --> 01:05:14,609
(BURPS)

1207
01:05:14,611 --> 01:05:17,279
You guys like my singing voice?

1208
01:05:17,281 --> 01:05:21,917
I just burped into this
because I'm an adult woman.

1209
01:05:21,919 --> 01:05:23,318
Um...

1210
01:05:23,320 --> 01:05:26,054
I do like being an adult woman.

1211
01:05:26,056 --> 01:05:28,556
I've always wanted to
be that... (STAMMERS)

1212
01:05:28,558 --> 01:05:33,662
I've always wanted to
have just, like, a bra,
and a blouse,

1213
01:05:33,664 --> 01:05:36,364
and a schedule.

1214
01:05:36,366 --> 01:05:37,632
Like, where I could just, like,

1215
01:05:37,634 --> 01:05:42,437
"oh,
my God, I'm running late,"
you know? Like...

1216
01:05:42,439 --> 01:05:45,440
I've always
wanted to be able to be
on the car phone and be like,

1217
01:05:45,442 --> 01:05:48,443
"okay, Susan, will do."

1218
01:05:50,212 --> 01:05:53,715
"What?
Okay. All right. Talk soon."

1219
01:05:53,717 --> 01:05:58,053
And then just hang up
and not worry about, you know,

1220
01:05:58,055 --> 01:06:01,323
why the bathroom
smells in a weird way.

1221
01:06:01,325 --> 01:06:03,491
(LAUGHING)

1222
01:06:03,493 --> 01:06:07,562
Um, but I'm not here to
talk about car phones.

1223
01:06:07,564 --> 01:06:11,333
I came here tonight
on a very different mission.

1224
01:06:11,335 --> 01:06:13,702
And that is

1225
01:06:13,704 --> 01:06:16,071
to say

1226
01:06:16,073 --> 01:06:18,740
to you that...

1227
01:06:21,010 --> 01:06:22,711
Sorry.

1228
01:06:22,713 --> 01:06:26,681
Which is to say to you

1229
01:06:26,683 --> 01:06:29,284
that I am pregnant.

1230
01:06:30,353 --> 01:06:31,486
Ooh.

1231
01:06:33,090 --> 01:06:38,460
Okay, all right,
testing the waters.
I dropped that one down.

1232
01:06:38,462 --> 01:06:44,132
The second thing
that I would like to say
right now, out loud,

1233
01:06:44,134 --> 01:06:46,368
and I'm gonna say it
out loud right now.

1234
01:06:46,370 --> 01:06:48,470
Out loud, right now...
I'm fine. Everything's fine.

1235
01:06:48,472 --> 01:06:51,339
Just rolling along with this,
out loud, right now.

1236
01:06:51,341 --> 01:06:55,643
Is that I am going
to have an abortion...

1237
01:06:55,645 --> 01:06:58,380
Okay, okay, keep breathing.

1238
01:06:58,382 --> 01:07:01,282
...tomorrow,
which is Valentine's day.

1239
01:07:01,284 --> 01:07:05,153
So, we'll start from there.

1240
01:07:05,155 --> 01:07:07,288
I'm sure you're wondering
how this happened.

1241
01:07:07,656 --> 01:07:10,091
Uh...

1242
01:07:10,093 --> 01:07:12,394
A little thing I like to call

1243
01:07:12,396 --> 01:07:16,364
getting banged out in
the middle of the night,
(CHUCKLING)

1244
01:07:16,366 --> 01:07:22,303
The heat,
heat, heat of the night,
by a very nice person

1245
01:07:22,305 --> 01:07:24,739
that I don't know
very well at all.

1246
01:07:24,741 --> 01:07:28,510
I don't know.
He was a stranger,
but a nice one.

1247
01:07:28,512 --> 01:07:31,679
Probably the best
of all the strangers
that are out there.

1248
01:07:33,149 --> 01:07:35,183
And of course you guys
aren't strangers anymore

1249
01:07:35,185 --> 01:07:38,686
because now you're
a part of my life
in a big way.

1250
01:07:38,688 --> 01:07:40,188
(CLEARS THROAT)

1251
01:07:40,190 --> 01:07:41,689
So I don't know
if you've gleaned

1252
01:07:41,691 --> 01:07:46,428
You're like, "no shit.
You are not
ready to be a mom."

1253
01:07:46,430 --> 01:07:51,132
And so I decided
to get the abortion,

1254
01:07:51,134 --> 01:07:53,301
but I really do
love pregnant ladies,

1255
01:07:53,303 --> 01:07:58,473
and there's lots of things
about being
a mom that seem fun,

1256
01:07:58,475 --> 01:08:02,077
but for me it's just like
I can't tell anyone
to shut off the TV.

1257
01:08:02,079 --> 01:08:03,411
(ALL LAUGHING)

1258
01:08:03,413 --> 01:08:04,813
Equaling I can't
shut off the TV.

1259
01:08:04,815 --> 01:08:08,116
Um...

1260
01:08:08,118 --> 01:08:12,754
I decided to tell my mom,
and I thought
she was gonna like,

1261
01:08:12,756 --> 01:08:14,722
you know, be super upset,

1262
01:08:14,724 --> 01:08:16,524
and, like,
set me on fire and be like,

1263
01:08:16,526 --> 01:08:18,359
"you can never come back
to the synagogue."

1264
01:08:18,361 --> 01:08:20,328
Which is also kind
of a fantasy that

1265
01:08:20,330 --> 01:08:22,430
I'd never have to go
back to the synagogue.

1266
01:08:22,432 --> 01:08:25,100
So boring.
Everyone's breath
is horrible there.

1267
01:08:25,102 --> 01:08:27,335
But instead,

1268
01:08:27,337 --> 01:08:31,873
she was, uh, very relieved,

1269
01:08:31,875 --> 01:08:34,843
and she actually
ended up telling me

1270
01:08:34,845 --> 01:08:39,581
that she herself
had gotten
an abortion in the '60s.

1271
01:08:39,583 --> 01:08:41,883
Which is pretty amazing

1272
01:08:41,885 --> 01:08:45,386
because the bushes
were so big then,

1273
01:08:48,858 --> 01:08:51,559
that, you know,
they must have really,

1274
01:08:51,561 --> 01:08:54,195
you know,
really had to hunt for it.

1275
01:08:54,197 --> 01:08:55,197
(ALL LAUGHING)

1276
01:08:58,634 --> 01:09:02,437
And I can say that because,
you know,
once you get an abortion,

1277
01:09:02,439 --> 01:09:05,807
you can reveal who
else has had them.

1278
01:09:05,809 --> 01:09:11,713
I decided to be on the list of
the very many women
that have done this.

1279
01:09:11,715 --> 01:09:16,551
Tomorrow is Valentine's day,
and I can honestly say

1280
01:09:19,388 --> 01:09:22,924
it's not going to be
the worst Valentine's day
I've ever had.

1281
01:09:25,761 --> 01:09:29,497
It's gonna be okay because, um,

1282
01:09:29,499 --> 01:09:32,200
I know that I'm not alone.

1283
01:09:32,202 --> 01:09:35,670
I'm totally here.
You guys are here.

1284
01:09:35,672 --> 01:09:37,472
You're all gonna
come with me tomorrow.

1285
01:09:40,376 --> 01:09:41,709
But it's going to be...

1286
01:09:44,947 --> 01:09:45,947
Um...

1287
01:09:47,650 --> 01:09:48,783
Um...

1288
01:09:50,286 --> 01:09:52,820
I think it's going to be okay.

1289
01:09:52,822 --> 01:09:56,491
And afterwards,
I'll just be in my future.

1290
01:09:56,493 --> 01:09:59,394
And, you know,
we'll go from there, right?

1291
01:09:59,396 --> 01:10:00,762
I guess so.

1292
01:10:02,199 --> 01:10:05,833
You guys have
been very generous
to me tonight,

1293
01:10:05,835 --> 01:10:07,635
and I've really enjoyed myself.

1294
01:10:07,637 --> 01:10:10,705
So, thank you and happy v-day.

1295
01:10:10,707 --> 01:10:14,375
Hope you get all the candy
that you want and deserve.

1296
01:10:14,377 --> 01:10:16,277
That's it. Thank you.

1297
01:10:16,279 --> 01:10:17,612
(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

1298
01:10:23,419 --> 01:10:24,552
(BREATHES HEAVILY)

1299
01:10:39,535 --> 01:10:41,469
(WATER SPLASHING)

1300
01:11:15,304 --> 01:11:16,571
Morning, sunshine.

1301
01:11:16,573 --> 01:11:17,972
Hey.

1302
01:11:17,974 --> 01:11:20,575
You were so
incredible last night.

1303
01:11:21,844 --> 01:11:23,611
He left.

1304
01:11:23,613 --> 01:11:26,347
I was talking about your set.

1305
01:11:26,349 --> 01:11:27,682
Thanks.

1306
01:11:27,684 --> 01:11:29,517
How's your stomach?
You want this?

1307
01:11:29,519 --> 01:11:31,853
No, I don't.
I just want this.

1308
01:11:32,955 --> 01:11:36,424
Well, when you're ready,
I'll call us a cab.

1309
01:11:36,426 --> 01:11:38,660
Are you ready?

1310
01:11:38,662 --> 01:11:40,061
I'm ready.

1311
01:11:42,331 --> 01:11:45,066
Okay, thank you very much.
We are outside.

1312
01:11:45,068 --> 01:11:46,567
Five minutes.

1313
01:11:46,569 --> 01:11:47,702
Let's just take the train.

1314
01:11:47,704 --> 01:11:49,671
No, we're aborting in style.

1315
01:11:49,673 --> 01:11:52,540
(GROANS) I'm so cold!

1316
01:11:52,542 --> 01:11:56,444
Have you ever heard
about the people
on mount Everest

1317
01:11:56,446 --> 01:11:58,046
who are about to die,
and how that is for them?

1318
01:11:58,048 --> 01:12:00,048
No,
tell me what happens to them.

1319
01:12:00,050 --> 01:12:03,885
Like, that there are icicles
coming out of their
tears or whatever.

1320
01:12:03,887 --> 01:12:05,953
The sherpa is like,
"don't sit down."

1321
01:12:05,955 --> 01:12:07,889
But then they sit down,
because they're

1322
01:12:07,891 --> 01:12:11,326
Oh, my God.
And all their
parkas are still there.

1323
01:12:11,328 --> 01:12:13,828
(STUTTERING) Max.
Max. Max is walking.

1324
01:12:13,830 --> 01:12:15,830
Max is walking up.
I'm not kidding,

1325
01:12:15,832 --> 01:12:17,598
and he has a bouquet of flowers.

1326
01:12:17,600 --> 01:12:19,434
No, he's coming.
He's coming. Yeah.

1327
01:12:19,436 --> 01:12:21,402
I can't... what do I do?
You just... I don't know.

1328
01:12:21,404 --> 01:12:23,037
Pretend I'm saying something.
You are saying something.

1329
01:12:23,039 --> 01:12:27,342
It's happening now.
He's here.

1330
01:12:29,578 --> 01:12:30,778
Hey.
Hi.

1331
01:12:32,581 --> 01:12:34,615
These are for you.

1332
01:12:34,617 --> 01:12:35,950
That's so nice.

1333
01:12:38,888 --> 01:12:43,558
I thought, maybe,
if it was all right with you

1334
01:12:46,428 --> 01:12:47,428
and you,

1335
01:12:49,531 --> 01:12:51,466
I could go with you.

1336
01:13:03,145 --> 01:13:07,415
You can look at my sheet.
It's okay.
I don't have any secrets.

1337
01:13:09,585 --> 01:13:11,419
Oh, nice.

1338
01:13:11,421 --> 01:13:12,487
Mental illness
runs in your family.

1339
01:13:12,489 --> 01:13:14,655
Mmm.

1340
01:13:14,657 --> 01:13:17,792
Yeah, we have
diabetes and depression.

1341
01:13:17,794 --> 01:13:19,026
Oh. The diabetes?

1342
01:13:19,028 --> 01:13:22,563
You guys like
to eat a lot of
candy in your family?

1343
01:13:22,565 --> 01:13:25,099
Lot of desserts, lot of pie,
lot of brownie sundaes.

1344
01:13:25,101 --> 01:13:26,934
That's darling.
Yeah.

1345
01:13:32,574 --> 01:13:33,674
So cold out today.

1346
01:13:33,676 --> 01:13:35,977
Mmm.

1347
01:13:35,979 --> 01:13:40,181
akumenang.com
this morning to
pick out my outfit...

1348
01:13:40,183 --> 01:13:44,585
...I saw that it is
the coldest day of the year.

1349
01:13:44,587 --> 01:13:45,953
Really?
Mmm-hmm.

1350
01:13:47,122 --> 01:13:49,590
I heard they're
going to start naming

1351
01:13:49,592 --> 01:13:51,826
snowstorms like they
do with hurricanes.

1352
01:13:51,828 --> 01:13:54,128
That's how intense
it's going to be from now on.

1353
01:13:54,130 --> 01:13:55,463
Mmm.

1354
01:13:56,632 --> 01:13:58,032
(IN HEAVY VOICE) The Donna.

1355
01:13:59,435 --> 01:14:01,702
Snowstorm of the century.

1356
01:14:01,704 --> 01:14:03,504
Donna two.

1357
01:14:03,506 --> 01:14:05,740
Have you ever watched
a weather report before?

1358
01:14:05,742 --> 01:14:08,543
Just movie
trailers for you, huh?

1359
01:14:08,545 --> 01:14:09,710
Is that what that is?

1360
01:14:09,712 --> 01:14:11,045
Is that all?

1361
01:14:18,020 --> 01:14:20,555
I'm sorry I took off last night.

1362
01:14:21,523 --> 01:14:23,524
I got your voicemails.

1363
01:14:24,960 --> 01:14:27,728
I just didn't know what to do.

1364
01:14:27,730 --> 01:14:30,064
Um...

1365
01:14:30,066 --> 01:14:34,101
I also made a very
extreme move last night.

1366
01:14:35,103 --> 01:14:36,637
Yeah, but

1367
01:14:38,607 --> 01:14:40,475
it was an asshole
move on my part.

1368
01:14:40,477 --> 01:14:42,477
No.

1369
01:14:42,479 --> 01:14:45,980
I think we're both
just trying to figure out

1370
01:14:47,483 --> 01:14:50,551
how to do everything.

1371
01:14:50,553 --> 01:14:52,687
Yeah.

1372
01:14:52,689 --> 01:14:55,823
I really wanted to tell you
when we were at dinner,
but then you...

1373
01:14:55,825 --> 01:14:58,059
I freaked out
because you started talking

1374
01:14:58,061 --> 01:15:00,628
about wanting to
be a grandfather.

1375
01:15:00,630 --> 01:15:02,997
And you thought I meant,
like, tomorrow?

1376
01:15:02,999 --> 01:15:04,966
Well, you're, like, 76, right?

1377
01:15:04,968 --> 01:15:07,168
Yeah. Yep.

1378
01:15:07,170 --> 01:15:09,203
I just don't... you know.

1379
01:15:09,205 --> 01:15:12,073
We've just been acquainted.

1380
01:15:12,075 --> 01:15:14,075
I didn't know if
you'd be okay with this.

1381
01:15:15,244 --> 01:15:17,178
Are you okay with this?

1382
01:15:19,047 --> 01:15:21,082
Yeah. Yes.

1383
01:15:21,783 --> 01:15:24,585
Of course.
Good.

1384
01:15:24,587 --> 01:15:27,889
Um, I want to be a grandpa,
you know, someday.

1385
01:15:29,725 --> 01:15:32,960
Dad first and then... right.
Yeah.

1386
01:15:43,105 --> 01:15:48,643
This may be
the best/worst Valentine's day
I have ever had.

1387
01:15:50,979 --> 01:15:52,947
NURSE:
Which one of you is Donna?

1388
01:15:55,017 --> 01:15:56,851
Follow me, please.

1389
01:15:59,588 --> 01:16:01,122
Okay.

1390
01:16:09,031 --> 01:16:11,332
Well, thank you for coming.

1391
01:16:12,868 --> 01:16:14,702
Thanks for letting me.

1392
01:16:16,138 --> 01:16:18,139
See you on the other side?

1393
01:16:53,942 --> 01:16:56,277
DOCTOR: Hi, Donna.
The sedative
should be taking effect.

1394
01:16:56,279 --> 01:16:58,179
Are you feeling relaxed?

1395
01:17:12,127 --> 01:17:15,029
Okay, Donna,
we're going to
start the procedure now.

1396
01:17:15,031 --> 01:17:18,199
Let us know if you feel
any discomfort at any time.

1397
01:17:20,636 --> 01:17:22,069
(MACHINE WHIRRING SOFTLY)

1398
01:18:12,154 --> 01:18:13,721
Here you go.
It's hot. Careful.

1399
01:18:13,723 --> 01:18:15,122
Thank you.

1400
01:18:23,965 --> 01:18:25,433
Do you want to put your feet up?

1401
01:18:25,435 --> 01:18:26,934
Okay.

1402
01:18:31,740 --> 01:18:33,074
How's that?

1403
01:18:33,076 --> 01:18:34,208
It's good.

1404
01:18:36,078 --> 01:18:39,046
I made a bunch of friends
in the waiting room...

1405
01:18:39,048 --> 01:18:40,981
Mmm.
...At the dmv.

1406
01:18:41,416 --> 01:18:42,750
Oh...

1407
01:18:42,752 --> 01:18:44,018
Oh, God.

1408
01:18:44,020 --> 01:18:46,187
We weren't at the dmv.

1409
01:18:46,189 --> 01:18:47,822
I got my license renewed.

1410
01:18:47,824 --> 01:18:49,790
Oh, you did?

1411
01:18:49,792 --> 01:18:52,359
Were you not...
I got the car inspected.

1412
01:18:52,361 --> 01:18:55,096
You know,
I think they towed my car.

1413
01:18:55,098 --> 01:18:59,467
Yeah, they sort of took
a lot of stuff
out of the trunk.

1414
01:18:59,469 --> 01:19:01,402
And, you know, for a second,
I was afraid to
drive it again,

1415
01:19:01,404 --> 01:19:03,003
but I think I probably will.

1416
01:19:03,005 --> 01:19:04,505
So you were there?
You were at the dmv.

1417
01:19:04,507 --> 01:19:06,140
Yeah.

1418
01:19:06,142 --> 01:19:07,441
That was us.

1419
01:19:09,978 --> 01:19:11,812
Do you want to watch a movie?
Always.

1420
01:19:11,814 --> 01:19:13,080
Okay.

1421
01:19:14,783 --> 01:19:16,350
Let's see what we
got going on here.

1422
01:19:16,352 --> 01:19:17,451
(TELEVISION TURNS ON)

1423
01:19:22,324 --> 01:19:24,458
It is nothing but
romantic comedies.

1424
01:19:24,460 --> 01:19:26,861
Oh. Boo. I just
hate that type of film.

1425
01:19:28,130 --> 01:19:30,064
I don't connect to it.

1426
01:19:30,066 --> 01:19:31,365
Oh, here we go.

1427
01:19:32,268 --> 01:19:37,338
Gone with the wind
is about to start.
Have you ever seen this?

1428
01:19:37,340 --> 01:19:38,973
I have not.

1429
01:19:38,975 --> 01:19:41,142
I've never seen it either.

1430
01:19:42,210 --> 01:19:44,345
Do you want to watch it?

1431
01:19:44,347 --> 01:19:47,214
I mean, I do, but it's,
like, 10 hours long.

1432
01:19:48,784 --> 01:19:50,918
Do you have somewhere to be?

1433
01:19:58,226 --> 01:20:00,060
(CHURCH BELLS TOLLING ON TV)