cute stuff

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In this masterpiece of literary fiction, fundamental ethical, theological and philosophical questions are explored and scrutinized through the eyes of its unnamed and yet immensely relatable narrator. From ISIS controlled Iran to the stomach of a fantastical alien on an even more fantastical planet, this compelling read manages to sum up centuries of human knowledge into an entertaining yet informative and thought-provoking novel that deserves a place on bookshelves everywhere.

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I find myself in a cardboard box, with nothing  in my hands. Is this where i was born? I asked myself. I looked down at my hands - wrinkled and old. It brought me back into the 	memories of the day I was born, 6 September 2069 (6/9/69). I counted my fingers. Realism snapped back into me. No knowledge, no skills, maybe except counting to ten. I racked my hands against my head. It brought me back into the memories where my family was airstriked in Iraq while i was cooking dinner. i didn't know if they survived the explosion. Maybe lost in Afghanistan? I would never know.
I could see the locusts in front of me once again, I could hear the ISIS planes overhead. I saw one of them firing its missiles. In a burst of red and orange, the shack behind me crumbled into dust. I rejoiced as I stared at the incinerated remains of my family. But when I saw the bones of what was once my ham, tears streamed out of my eyes in a never ending rivulet.
	I dropped to my knees, my heart, brains, guts, lungs, muscles and cells seemingly on fire. I remembered good times, times when there had been superb Wi-Fi connection. What, now, was my life reduced to? Sitting in a cardboard box with my high-tech phone and computer crushed, along with my past life.
	I tried to get hold of my footing. Remembering how chasing after air strikes was my pastime, I couldn’t resist the temptation to follow that ISIS striker. I turned on my sixth-pence, garnering all my energy to charge towards it, going towards the unknown horizon. It was then when a ufo flew over me and abducted me.
	My neophilla had gotten over the better of me. Although the UFO had gotten a subliminal approach towards my stem cells, but my photosynthesis megapower pokemon second evolution stage skills have never failed me. I took out the only thing in my pocket- a pikaBALLZ.
GOOOO SQUIRTLE!!! I shouted. A blue turtle hiding in a shell came out. I could not believe my eyes. It’s the alien vs Squirtle, who will be the last one standing? Alien uses alien skills! Its ineffective. Squirtle uses water gun! Its super effective! Alien has fainted.	I took control of the
alienated UFO and continued my quest to follow that ISIS airplane. There was this big red button that caught my eye. As the saying goes, “Curiosity kills the NYAN NYANG PONYCESS CAT”. I smashed my 5 remaining fingers into the big slimy fat red button. Before nothing happened, my 5 fingers fell off. Leaving me with none. What happened after that was more of a shellshocking incident.
	My jaw dropped in surprise. A huge NYAN NYANG PONYCESS CAT pooped right in front of me, narrowly missing my deeply beloved SQUIRTLE. Ignoring the ugly cat, I raced towards SQUIRTLE, risking my life for it. “SQUIRTLEEE!” I ran forward, but another alien appeared in front of me. i got super freaking scared so i cried for my life and sobbed thru the city, flooding its scorched town with my wet tears of sorrow. I got constipation so diarrhoea had no effect on me. I suddenly had the urge to eat laksa. But it was nowhere to be found in the north korea-like place i was in, with dictators like NYAN NYANG PONYCESS CAT ruining my hometown.
	So i pressed another purple button on the spaceship in the hope of finding laksa, but i was instead teleported to the alien planet of Scharighsidjase9fu8ohike342p93849etwrio. Stepping cautiously off board, I warily took note of my surroundings. What I saw was  a sixty nine headed 4206969696969 eyed alien with 29126NYAN legs. It ate me with its MLG Quickscope teeth and i entered one of its 420/69 stomachs. There was a little pony inside its stomach. To my surprise, it opened its mouth and used its 69 inched tooth to eat its way out of the alien’s styrofoam stomach. Bleach(not naruto) came out oozing out of it. Then, it allowed me to sit on its back and we galloped away together across the cotton candy clouds. We eventually found a nice peaceful park, where the kawaii pony allowed me to make it my senpai. I stared into its wonderfully star speckled eyes when one of its gruesome legs actually kicked my car. My beautiful rolls royce. It burst into scraps of metal.
But I was still in Iraq, with my little pony, my NYAN NYANG CATFUL PONYCESS PONY  PONYCESS CAT. I looked up into the ISIS fighter named NYAN CAT HORSE. I whipped out my weapon and started to do karate to it. No inferior NYAN CAT HORSE could beat my beautiful NYAN NYANG CATFUL PONYCESS PONY PONYCESS CAT. With the 1969 shotgun that i picked up from the ground, i started giving bursts of bullets to the ISIS fighter NYAN CAT HORSE. Of course, my pony’s name was twice as long as its name.
 The kawaii pony that I made my senpai looked anxiously from side to side, worried for my safety. “BE CAREFULLLL!!!” it squeaked, in its annoyingly yet splendidly high pitched voice. I glanced back and shot it… a look of assurance and a bouquet of pepperonis to place on my grave in case the 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% chance that I died happened. I turned back to face the ISIS fighter NYAN CATIST fighter NYAN CAT HORSE. Only to see it bearing down onto me at alarming speed.
Suddenly, a pair of doors in the ISIS fighter opened and Kim Jong Un jumped out with a parachute while screaming “Heil Hitler!” Lost for words, I stood rooted to the ground. Hope was lost, I had no will to live anymore.. That was when my senpai, the NYAN NYANG CATFUL PONYCESS PONY PONYCESS CAT came to my rescue. It sang the theme song of the My Little Pony TV show so horribly and off-tune that Kim Jong Un’s parachute burst into smithereens, showering us with debris, where he crashed to the ground and died of ebola in the parsec that he hit the ground. With his dying breath, he said “DON’T PANIC Long live the NYAN CAT HORSE! I will kill the Mongols forever!!!!!!!”
Sensing the danger, I eloped with my NYAN NYANG CATFUL PONYCESS PONY PONYCESS CAT-senpai-san to higher and seemingly safer ground.There, we sang “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” and lived happily, dangerously, ponily, catly forever after. Until today…
	We lived like any other typical senpai and underclassman, for years we had avoided danger of any sort, peacefully repopulating the Earth with our many adopted alien species. At this day, we have seen the major differences that are somewhat similar to the Big Bang. I, currently homeless in russia, have made a revolutionary breakthrough. I went to the toilet and showed a random scrub what my idea could do. It was a potato gun. That random guy was so amazed, that he gave me $10 for a potato in my potato gun. I saw his big fat wallet, with cold hard cash that was frozen in the freezer for 100000000000000000000 parsecs. I shot him with the gun and took all his money. It proved to be a valuable weapon which could 360 degrees scope aliens and randoms.
	Ecstatic and drunk with the power of my new potato gun, I went out onto the streets, looking for another target to test it on. However, it was not to be, for the sky suddenly darkened and another alien spaceship came to abduct me. After 42 millennia of intergalactic travel, it deposited me into a cosmic library. Plucking a random tome off one of the shelves, I discovered that the earth was actually an alien’s science project that he had gotten a C on. However, he had gotten an award for the glaciers of Norway.
	Sifting through the many shelves of books, I discovered other projects that these alien students had based Earth, the C graded failure, on. For example, one alien girl had made a hole in our ozone layer to prove the effects of furnace warming on small test projects.
	I teleported back into the kitchen with magical powers i had learned from another book and fell into a black hole which brought me into a banana that was bigger than a watermelon. The tetchy yet not black alien sucked me, and spit me into the horizon of the deep dark space. I eventually fell back into earth, now in Bulgaria, surprised that I didn’t freeze to death. It was probably the alien’s mucus that saved me. From then onwards, I decided to worship aliens instead of Jesus. When I should have frozen to death, the aliens saved me. But who did the aliens worship? Who gave them the ultimate power? It was none other than, the almighty DORNICORNS. I immediately changed my standpoint, vowing to worship the dornicorns forever and ever more. My motto stand by me, “Dornicorns is love, dornicorns is life, life is nothing without dornicorns.”
	So I decided to spread my new religion to the as yet ignorant peasants of the planet of the apes 2 now in theatres, digital, 3D and IMAX and pirated. I then wrote a shitty young adult novel detailing my beliefs. I split it into 3 parts and made it into 4 movies. The story revolved around a star crossed love between unicorns and donkeys in a dystopian future. It ended in a happily ever after that involved the unicorn marrying the donkey and then crossbreeding 69 little donicorns together.
However, my religion was opposed by an autistic and hit with down syndrome world leader who has a quest for world hegemony loving a papaya which has just ripened. In the end, the papaya got eaten by the world leader. “RIP in papayas” the world leader chanted with his last breath. He somehow believed that papayas were better than pepperoni. That was what caused his death. I murdered him with a potato shot from my papaya gun while I was speeding past him on a train. It was a beautiful Thursday evening.
Following his death, I was severely shocked by the power of papayas, and spent time researching on new vulgarities in order to use on NYAN NYANG CATFUL PONYCESS PONY  PONYCESS CAT’s one true love Jade Rachel and to improve the work of art I had completely dedicated my life to: The Complete Anthology Of Vulgarities 7th Edition.
I swiftly returned to my homeland IRAQ with Miley Cyrus and after much tracking, finally found ISIS. Then I foamed at the mouth, died, and came back to life in front of them with Miley Cyrus.
Soon enough, it came to my attention that NYAN NYANG CATFUL PONYCESS PONY  PONYCESS CAT was friends with Jade Rachel.  NYAN NYANG CATFUL PONYCESS PONY PONYCESS CAT explained to me that after a long time, they could not help it but eventually fell in love. After much consideration, he could not help but divorce me as my senpai, and married Jade Rachel. As I had a magical ability of being able to see the future, I was able to see that NYAN NYANG CATFUL PONYCESS PONY PONYCESS CAT would eventually gain 120kg and die while watching anime in his mother’s basement, while eating doritos (nacho cheese flavor) and wearing Victoria's Secret underpants and a fedora.Though feeling a bit heartbroken, as a form of respect, I gave them my sincere well wishes, and set off to my next journey, this time to the bottom of the ocean. I plugged in my iPod and listened to music and headed off to my destination. On the way there, I used my magical abilities to create my own personal robot, which I named Richard. He fell asleep when we were swimming to the underwater kingdom of the mermaids. He was dreaming of electric sheep, just like Michael Vey.
             Meanwhile, I decided to try and improve the robot by giving it feelings.
Suddenly, the realisation that it was smarter than me came over me. Full of jealousy, I picked up a AK-47 and started shooting at the robot. Then I remembered it was made out of titanium and graphite 38C. So, I shot a ISIS soldier and took his bazooka. Pointing middle fingers in the air, I ran forward, stuck the robot's face into the bazooka,  and fired. It exploded into sparks of fire. I cried for its loss. I couldn't breathe again!
Sighing (and breathing), I walked back to my house, only to find ISIS robots inside. The whole thing happened again exactly. And again. And again. Only that ISIS robots are only made of normal steel and are easier to destroy.
Suddenly, NYAN NYANG CATFUL PONYCESS PONY PONYCESS CAT popped out, wearing Victoria’s Secret underpants and a fedora. Seeing the doritos (nacho cheese flavour) in its hand, I jumped on my pony, picked up my potato gun, chased it to its mothers basement, and shot it in front of a gigantic anime playing tv screen. Unfortunately for it,  it gained 120kg from eating the potato and died. Its last words were: “CARROT IS MY FAVOURITE ANIMAL!!” Just then, Jade Rachel arrived. She shouted at me, “ How dare you! You were so good until now! Nevertheless, NYAN NYANG CATFUL PONYCESS PONY PONYCESS CAT, I still love you."

Checkpoint 1: If you like happy and true endings, please stop here. If you like sad endings, please continue reading. Spoiler: Everyone dies in the end.

           I chuckled evilly, using my potato gun to kill Jade Rachel as well (but not before i unleashed my lifetime’s work on her of course). I then buried them together (RIP in pepperonis) and teleported back to my home planet of Grythughg. I was in fact an alien spy in disguise. I was sent to Earth to kill, which was the only threat to our planet’s impending invasion of Earth, the project rated C+ of my nephew’s project.
Once I stepped out onto the threshold, a giant potato ate me.
The giant potato then went to the grave, and pulled out the gained-120kg-NYAN NYANG CATFUL PONYCESS PONY PONYCESS CAT, dumped him outside the threshold, and let another giant potato eat him. They sure were hungry. However, I used my magical powers to resurrect myself. I then took my potato gun and shot it at the giant potato, mad for revenge. However, to my surprise and horror, the giant potato absorbed the smaller potato just because it was a potato. Potatoes are awesome, I thought. I really should become one.
So I used my magical powers to turn myself into a potato, only to be put in a potato mortar.  Without enough time to react,  I was fired at the invading NYAN CAT army.
Just then, it started snowing stars. A Poo(h) bear walked in front of me, under the innumerable stars. The Poo(h) bear caught a single star ever so gently on its furry right paw. He looked down, eyes glistening with bitter tears as he beheld what would never be. The dewdrop from the heavens twinkled ever so slightly in the warm grasp of his paw. Then, he tenderly lifted his arm. His tongue slowly drooped downwards, eagerly anticipating the moment when he would finally lick the prize he had lusted after for so long. However, he had forgotten that stars were actually balls of immensely hot hydrogen. So, his tongue got burned off and he died not long after.
I mourned his death, constructing an elaborate grave of pepperonis atop his charred body. While I was burying him, I took out his intestines and made them into balloons. I lay on the ground, staring contentedly at what was floating up into the sky.



INTERLUDE


Their bodies were found with their heads cracked open and skulls pried apart with their brains leaking from the cavities of their heads... The brain matter seeped from their nostrils and ear canals and created a horrific solution within the flowing blood.
Multiple reels of steel wool were forced down their throats and autopsied to reveal that they each had a severely torn esophagus in addition to the sharpened fibers impaling their stomachs and piercing their livers and intestines. Multiple lines of electrically stimulated metal wire of which were stripped from their rubber insulators were infused within their flesh and appeared as thickened veins within their arms; the wires were connected to a power transformer that was situated outside of the crime scene.
Their naked bodies were found with a deeply whitened tone of flesh as their entire blood supplies were spilled upon the floor of which they laid... Their bones were protruding from their mangled limbs with the joints bent and twisted in their opposing directions. An arm had been severed from one victim and a leg had been severed from the other—the limbs were literally pulled from their sockets and had ripped the skin and bone apart from each other.

The torturer thrust the blade into Bradley's kneecap. An immediate spouting of blood erupted and the knife progressed into removing the jointed cartilage. And then the other kneecap was attacked by the six inches of steel—the hacking and stabbing caused the blade to collide with the corroding bones and scrape itself into the marrow until both of Bradley Cunningham's kneecaps were entirely obliterated.
The knife progressed into one of Bradley's shoulders with a piercing of additional pain. His shoulder was eventually converted into a fleshless collarbone with his muscles strewn across the chamber. The slightest touch of the traumatized areas presented Bradley with indescribable pain and agony—it felt as if Lucifer himself was gnawing upon his bones with a ravenous appetite. Bradley Cunningham's tortured nerves presented screams of which were so loud that the torturer's performance was occasionally paused so he could clap his hands over his ears.
The second session of Bradley's torture was accompanied by the torturer's briefcase of implements: pliers, spreaders, and an et cetera of what could only be described as hell's silverware. The spreaders were forced into Bradley's oral cavity and nearly pried his jaw off its hinges as they locked themselves into place—the open mouth presented nothing more than extreme vibrations of his tongue and uvula and the screams continued to erupt from his vocal cords.
The pliers began to slowly remove Bradley's teeth; the strengthened grip of the pliers' serrated ridges clamped upon the enamel and forced its fracture until the dentin was contacted. Then the tooth would be aggressively pulled from Bradley's gums as the crown was developed into an emerging root that separated the nerves and blood vessels from the root end opening. The process was repeated thirty-one more times—all equally as excruciating.



END INTERLUDE


	A year had passed. Birds were chirping merrily from their treetop perches before they were shot down as it was hunting season. Soon, their feathers were plucked, then they were cooked and eaten. I decided to kill myself too. The end.