the crackiest crackfic ever cracked

>Be anon
>School fucking sucks
>Get home from long, dumb day
>Pop a waffle in the toaster
>Go to take a dump
>Return, Dad is standing in kitchen
>Fuck, that is not a good look on his face
"Hello, son."
>"Uh, hi Dad."
>Start eating waffle nervously
"Got your report card today."
>Shitshitshit
"You failed Biology."
>Fuckshitfuckfuckfuckshitshit
"You know what that means, son."
>Jaw drops
>"Come on dad, you're not serious, are you?"
>Dad turns around to face the wall, reveals the text "THE CONVERSION BUREAU" on the back of his jacket
"We made a deal, son. Now, just finish your waffle like a good girl."
>"What the fuc-"
>Feel kind of funny
>Uh
>Table suddenly decides to smack you in the face

…

>Wake up
>Head hurts like fuck
>Can't see anything
>Try to wipe face
>Holy fucking shit where the fuck are my fingers
>"Hello?"
>Where are my fingers
>Try to feel face
>Where fingers should be is just a flat, cold disc
>Face kind of feels funny
>Feel around with fingerless hands
>Dear god you have a snout
>Lights turn on
>Complete stranger is standing in front of you
>"Who the fuck are you?"
>Stranger laughs
"Hello my sweet little mare"
>Stare at stranger, and then look down at self
>Holy fuck I'm a blue pony and I have a vagina
>Stranger has clearly noticed me looking at my vagina
"It's pretty, isn't it?"
>Nonononononono.jpg
>Stranger strips and jumps on me
>OH GOD WHAT IS THAT
>Stranger caresses you head and ears while humping
>Doesn't… actually… feel that bad
"You're a pretty pony aren't you"
>yeahmanthisiskindofnice.jpg
>Soon, liquids are everywhere
>Look up, post-orgasm
>Notice a long line of men outside the door
>"Let's do this bby"
>Hot sexytimes for the rest of eternity