Jim Gaffigan: Quality Time (2019)

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(audience cheering,
applauding)

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- Thank you!

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Thank you!

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00:00:32,201 --> 00:00:35,744
For subtitling services, contatct:
waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com

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Oh my God.
Thank you.

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Thank you for coming out.

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(audience cheering)

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It's good to be here.

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This is what I look like.

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It's mostly my fault.

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Well, it's all my fault.

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I wish I had
an excuse, you know?

13
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Like I had to gain
all this weight for a movie.

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There's no movie.

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If you saw me eat,
you would think

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there were multiple movies.

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Are they doing a
live action "Shrek?"

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This guy's gonna be perfect!

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I'm wearing my shirt untucked.

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The untucked shirt.

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The fat man's last hurrah.

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Next stop muumuu.

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You might see a guy
with his shirt untucked

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and think,
"Oh, was he in a hurry?

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Is he going casual?"

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But you should know
that someone very close

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to that man saw him
with his shirt tucked in,

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and said, "Don't do that.

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"That's visually unpleasing.

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You look better
not fully dressed."

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The untucked shirt,
it's like the male wonder bra.

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There's a surprise
underneath and...

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you're not gonna like it.

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(audience applauding)

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This is not an UNTUCKit.

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UNTUCKit, which is
a brand of shirt.

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I do love those
UNTUCKit commercials.

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They present it like some
revolutionary technology.

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It's a shirt that can
be worn untucked.

40
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Wow!

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Like a magic shirt?

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That's right.

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Can other shirts do that?

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No, this is a special shirt.

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It goes with our
unzipped pants.

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And our unbuckled
belt, and combined

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with your uncombed hair
you can look unemployed.

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And be unwelcome
in restaurants.

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That's unbelievable.

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This shirt is actually a 2XL.

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That's right, I did it.

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Mission accomplished.

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(audience cheering,
applauding)

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There should be a moving up
ceremony for when you hit 2XL.

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It is with great pride
and slight disgust,

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that we present
this garment roughly

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the size of a circus tent,

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to this slob who
actually struggles to
put on his own socks.

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He may now burp for
no reason at all.

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I am new to the 2XL community.

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They've been very welcoming.

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I did some research.

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You know what
the size after 2XL is?

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Kill yourself.

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No, it's 3X!

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Triple X!

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That's pornographic.

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It's so fat it's obscene.

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Triple X does sound like
some fat on fat action.

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Oh, yeah.

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Oh, yeah.
And I'm headin' there,

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hopefully by
the end of the show.

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I don't know what happened.

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All I did was eat
abusively for 40 years.

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And suddenly I'm fat?

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That doesn't seem fair.

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I am now at the size,

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when I go in clothing
stores sales people

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look at me like,
"We got nothing for you.

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And you can't
use our bathroom."

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When I go out to eat,
if I order a salad,

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the waiter's
always like, "Aw.

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Look at you try."

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I'm always afraid he's gonna
gather the whole staff,

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"The fat pig is trying,
the fat pig is trying, I..."

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(audience laughs)

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I've always talked
about my weight

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in my stand up but in
the past after shows

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if I ran into audience
members they'd be

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like, "Jim, you're not that
fat, you're not that fat."

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But now after shows people
are like, "Good show."

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(audience laughs)

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"You nailed it."

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I don't care.
I like to eat!

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I like to eat.
You know, when you like to eat,

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what's weird is people
assume you enjoy cooking.

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(audience laughs)

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Well, you must know your
way around the kitchen.

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I know where the food is.

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Well, you must love to cook.

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Look, I like to sleep.

102
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It doesn't mean
I wanna build a bed.

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(audience laughs)

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The truth is, I don't
like to do anything.

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Like when I order
delivery, I'm kind

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of annoyed they don't
know what I want already.

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What, do I have
to do everything?

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I did lose some weight
last summer, thank you.

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- Thank you.
- (audience applauding)

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I did. I did.

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Well, I had
my appendix removed.

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But it still counts.

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I didn't know what
the appendix was,

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and since I'm an idiot I
just pretended like I did.

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The doctor was like, "We have
to remove your appendix,"

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and I was, like,
"Both of them?"

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Luckily he thought
I was kidding.

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He was, like...
(imitates laughing)

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Ah!

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I'm so grateful
he didn't call me out.

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I don't know what
I would've said, you know?

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Like, "There's
only one appendix."

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"Oh, ha ha, appendix.
I-- I thought you said lungs.

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To me they sound
similar 'cause I'm dumb."

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I didn't know what
the appendix was,

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but I don't feel that bad.

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The doctor told me
science isn't even sure

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what the appendix
does exactly.

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Science isn't even sure
why the appendix exists.

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And I heard that and
I was, like, oh my gosh,

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the appendix is
like a Kardashian.

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It is.

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(audience cheering,
applauding)

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Think about it.
It's a mystery to everyone.

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But for some of us,
causes excruciating pain.

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It needs to be
removed with a knife.

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Obviously, I'm not
promoting violence,

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against any of
the Kardashians.

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Just the mother.

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There's always one person
that gets too into that joke.

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"Yes, kill the mother.

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Kill her and smear
her blood on my face."

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(audience laughs)

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I think it's strange

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science doesn't know
what the appendix does.

146
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That means nobody knows.

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You never hear,
"Science doesn't know,

148
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"but Earl has a theory.

149
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Earl, when you were
cleaning the toilet,
you mumbled something."

150
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How is that
an acceptable answer

151
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from the entire
scientific community?

152
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"Yeah, we don't know.

153
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Well, back to
cloning everything."

154
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And they just
remove the appendix.

155
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That's the solution.
Take it out!

156
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We don't know
what it does.

157
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And it's fine.

158
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But you know the first time
they did it,

159
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"We removed your appendix.
Let's see what happens."

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I had my appendix
removed in Alaska.

161
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That's not why I went there.

162
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I was on vacation
with my family,

163
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and I had this sharp
pain in my abdomen,

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and since I'm a genius,
my first thought was,

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"Oh, I pulled a
muscle in my stomach."

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That's what
I sincerely thought.

167
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See all these muscles?

168
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I thought I pulled one...

169
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doin' nothin'.

170
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And the pain
was overwhelming.

171
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I couldn't move.

172
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My wife was like,
"I'm gonna go for help,

173
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I'm gonna go for help."

174
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But we're in a
remote area of Alaska

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so she just ran
to nearby cabins.

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Eventually she came back
all out of breath.

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She's like, "I found a guy,
I found a guy."

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I was, like, "Oh good,
is he a doctor?"

179
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She goes, "No."

180
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I go, "Is he a nurse?"

181
00:08:58,956 --> 00:09:02,041
She goes, "He's a lawyer."

182
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:05,920
I guess he can do my will.

183
00:09:05,921 --> 00:09:09,257
So then this
lawyer-doctor came over,

184
00:09:09,258 --> 00:09:10,925
and started
asking me questions,

185
00:09:10,926 --> 00:09:12,969
and when you're in pain
all questions are annoying.

186
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He's like,
"Do you have a fever?"

187
00:09:14,471 --> 00:09:17,640
And I was like,
"Are you even a lawyer?"

188
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He's like,
"Is it a dull pain?"

189
00:09:18,976 --> 00:09:22,770
"There's nothing
boring about this."

190
00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:26,399
Eventually I had to be
airlifted on advice of counsel.

191
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,151
(audience laughs)

192
00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:32,363
I was airlifted,
which was embarrassing,

193
00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:34,740
'cause unlike a heroic
airlift if someone

194
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:38,119
from a natural disaster
or a wounded solider,

195
00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:40,329
I was just a fat guy
with a tummy ache.

196
00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:43,457
(audience laughs)

197
00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:48,379
The helicopter pilot was like,
"Wait, your stomach hurts?"

198
00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:52,466
"Yeah, it's real sore."

199
00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:55,761
"Do you know how much it
costs to rent a helicopter?"

200
00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:58,056
"But my tummy hurts."

201
00:09:59,683 --> 00:10:01,225
I knew it was expensive.

202
00:10:01,226 --> 00:10:03,352
I sat on that helicopter
the entire ride

203
00:10:03,353 --> 00:10:05,771
just holding my
stomach and praying,

204
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:08,482
praying, "Please
don't let this be gas."

205
00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:10,735
(audience laughs)

206
00:10:10,736 --> 00:10:14,572
"Sweet Jesus,
don't let this be gas.

207
00:10:14,573 --> 00:10:17,742
'Cause if it's gas
I don't think I can
return to my family."

208
00:10:17,743 --> 00:10:19,535
(audience laughs)

209
00:10:19,536 --> 00:10:20,745
Hey kids, daddy's back.

210
00:10:20,746 --> 00:10:23,331
Had some gas.

211
00:10:23,332 --> 00:10:24,832
Took a helicopter ride.

212
00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:27,626
None of you wanted to
go to college did ya?

213
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:29,128
It's a little out of
our price range now.

214
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:30,755
We don't know what
caused the gas.

215
00:10:30,756 --> 00:10:34,258
It might've been daddy's
three breakfast burritos.

216
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:37,803
Pretty much
a medical mystery.

217
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,847
I was airlifted to
the closest hospital.

218
00:10:39,848 --> 00:10:41,098
They removed my appendix.

219
00:10:41,099 --> 00:10:42,266
They did a good job.

220
00:10:42,267 --> 00:10:43,768
I mean, I'm female now.

221
00:10:43,769 --> 00:10:47,104
(audience laughs)

222
00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:49,357
The surgeon who
removed my appendix,

223
00:10:49,358 --> 00:10:52,902
his name was Dr. Muffuletta.

224
00:10:52,903 --> 00:10:57,782
Which is also the name of a
delicious New Orleans sandwich.

225
00:10:57,783 --> 00:11:00,951
And I do look like a
guy who would know that.

226
00:11:00,952 --> 00:11:02,703
So when he introduced
himself I was like,

227
00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:07,249
am I being visited by
the ghost of sandwich past?

228
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:09,585
Is Nurse Po'Boy
about to come in?

229
00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:12,630
(audience laughs)

230
00:11:12,631 --> 00:11:15,466
I woke up after the surgery
covered in Mardi Gras beads.

231
00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:18,052
(audience laughs)

232
00:11:18,053 --> 00:11:20,096
No, I woke up and there
was a nurse standing there

233
00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:22,390
and she was like,
"The surgery was a success.

234
00:11:22,391 --> 00:11:24,517
Just let me know if
it hurts when you pee,"

235
00:11:24,518 --> 00:11:26,936
and I was like wait,
where's the appendix?

236
00:11:26,937 --> 00:11:29,063
(audience laughs)

237
00:11:29,064 --> 00:11:32,108
How exactly did you remove it?

238
00:11:32,109 --> 00:11:35,736
This doesn't sound
like a success at all.

239
00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:38,322
Then she explained,
right before the surgery,

240
00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:40,116
they inserted a catheter.

241
00:11:40,117 --> 00:11:43,035
I didn't know what that
was so I was like, "Oh, okay."

242
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:44,662
And then I started
piecing it together.

243
00:11:44,663 --> 00:11:46,205
It hurts when I pee,
catheter.

244
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:49,166
I'm suing this hospital!

245
00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:53,129
You'll be hearing
from my lawyer-doctor.

246
00:11:53,130 --> 00:11:54,547
What monsters.

247
00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:57,675
If given a choice of
peeing all over myself,

248
00:11:57,676 --> 00:12:01,220
or having a tube
inserted in my penis...

249
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:05,516
I'll take the pee shower.

250
00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:08,477
I guess I'm old
fashioned, you know?

251
00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:12,606
(audience cheering,
applauding)

252
00:12:12,607 --> 00:12:15,192
Checking out of the hospital,
the desk clerk was so excited.

253
00:12:15,193 --> 00:12:16,861
He was like, "You had
your appendix removed.

254
00:12:16,862 --> 00:12:19,029
I had my gallbladder
taken out."

255
00:12:19,030 --> 00:12:22,199
I was like, "We should
vacation together.

256
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:23,993
"What are the odds
two fat Americans

257
00:12:23,994 --> 00:12:27,580
had surgery on their
digestive system?"

258
00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:31,000
I was released from the hospital
the day after the surgery.

259
00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:32,626
They gave me pain killers.

260
00:12:32,627 --> 00:12:35,212
They also instructed
me to do some walking,

261
00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:37,089
which I assume was
part of the recovery,

262
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:41,469
but it kind of felt like
a commentary on my weight.

263
00:12:41,470 --> 00:12:44,972
"Have you ever
done any walking?

264
00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:46,265
"Have you ever leaned
forward and let

265
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:50,352
"your legs propel
your fat ass?

266
00:12:50,353 --> 00:12:54,690
Let's take a break from
your motorized scooter."

267
00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:57,193
And I was in Alaska, so
I said this was perfect.

268
00:12:57,194 --> 00:12:59,695
So I returned to my family,
and we immediately

269
00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:01,697
went on a hike
and it was great.

270
00:13:01,698 --> 00:13:03,699
Alaska's beautiful.
My kids were havin' fun.

271
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:07,495
I was pretending like
I enjoyed being outside.

272
00:13:07,496 --> 00:13:11,040
And then suddenly we saw
a bear, like, 500 yards away,

273
00:13:11,041 --> 00:13:16,420
this huge brown bear, like,
way bigger then a gummy bear.

274
00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:18,589
And I was so excited
'cause I watch nature shows,

275
00:13:18,590 --> 00:13:20,466
but I had never seen
a bear in person

276
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,593
so it felt like
a celebrity sighting.

277
00:13:22,594 --> 00:13:26,222
I was like, "Oh my God, I've
watched you on Animal Planet.

278
00:13:26,223 --> 00:13:27,723
"You're so much taller
in person.

279
00:13:27,724 --> 00:13:29,975
Can we do a selfie?"

280
00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:31,936
But unlike
a celebrity sighting,

281
00:13:31,937 --> 00:13:34,855
there was the risk of death.

282
00:13:34,856 --> 00:13:36,482
Like, you never hear,
we're in restaurant,

283
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,025
Tom Hanks walked in
and then

284
00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:41,445
he came over and
murdered my family.

285
00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:44,198
That never happens.

286
00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:46,200
But the bear was far away,
so I took out

287
00:13:46,201 --> 00:13:48,244
my phone and I started
taking pictures,

288
00:13:48,245 --> 00:13:50,120
and then suddenly
the bear stood up,

289
00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:53,541
roared and looked
right at me.

290
00:13:53,542 --> 00:13:54,959
Started creeping towards me,

291
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,293
tilting his head
back and forth

292
00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:59,964
almost like
he recognized me.

293
00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:02,424
"That guy looks like
Phillip Seymour Hoffman."

294
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:06,804
(audience cheering,
applauding)

295
00:14:06,805 --> 00:14:09,598
I was terrified.

296
00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:11,517
Luckily, we were
with a tour guide,

297
00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:12,893
and I looked at him
and he goes, "Don't worry,

298
00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:14,436
I have bear spray,"
and I was like,

299
00:14:14,437 --> 00:14:16,855
"Do you have
anything stronger?

300
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:19,233
"Like a bear gun?

301
00:14:19,234 --> 00:14:20,776
"'Cause I don't think
this bear's

302
00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:23,821
approaching to
get his hair done."

303
00:14:23,822 --> 00:14:26,031
And the bear kept coming,
kept coming,

304
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:27,783
and then suddenly
the tour guide goes,

305
00:14:27,784 --> 00:14:30,953
"Okay, I want everyone to
start walking backwards slowly.

306
00:14:30,954 --> 00:14:33,122
Walk backwards slowly."

307
00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:37,293
I guess, so the
bear could catch up.

308
00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:39,628
So we started walking
backwards slowly.

309
00:14:39,629 --> 00:14:42,965
By then the bear
was in a full sprint.

310
00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:48,012
I had surgery 12 hours ago,
so I smelled delicious.

311
00:14:48,013 --> 00:14:49,847
I was also sunburned,
so I probably

312
00:14:49,848 --> 00:14:53,851
looked like
a giant land salmon.

313
00:14:53,852 --> 00:14:55,436
The bear couldn't
believe his luck,

314
00:14:55,437 --> 00:14:58,522
like, "I'm not gonna have
to eat for a month."

315
00:14:58,523 --> 00:14:59,732
I was like,
"I'm gonna die!

316
00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:01,358
I'm gonna be
eaten by a bear!"

317
00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:06,196
Which is ironic given how
many animals I've eaten.

318
00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:08,032
So I started humming
"Circle of Life,"

319
00:15:08,033 --> 00:15:11,076
and continued walking
backwards slowly.

320
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:12,786
I should point out
it's not like

321
00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:15,581
we were walking backwards
slowly to a car or a cabin.

322
00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:19,585
We were walking backwards
slowly to nothing.

323
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:21,587
It probably looked like
we were teasing the bear

324
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:25,215
like, "Come
and get it, Mr. Bear.

325
00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:28,886
"Are you looking to
get a little grisly?

326
00:15:28,887 --> 00:15:32,139
Craving a little 2XL
are you?"

327
00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:34,683
And before you knew it
the bear was upon us,

328
00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:37,770
and he killed us
and we died.

329
00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:39,146
Such a bloody mess.

330
00:15:39,147 --> 00:15:41,732
No, what really happened,

331
00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:43,734
is at one point the tour
guide pulled out this thing,

332
00:15:43,735 --> 00:15:45,569
it looked like a pen.

333
00:15:45,570 --> 00:15:48,906
I was like, "Great, he's gonna
ask for the bears autograph."

334
00:15:48,907 --> 00:15:50,741
And I learned later on
it was a bear flare,

335
00:15:50,742 --> 00:15:52,951
and he squeezed it,
and this tiny fire ball

336
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:55,204
went out towards the bear
and I was like, "Oh good,

337
00:15:55,205 --> 00:15:58,791
something to anger the bear."

338
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,584
The fireball bounced
off the bear.

339
00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:03,587
The bear stopped and then
just ran the other way

340
00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:06,757
like it forgot
something at home.

341
00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:09,134
And we all looked at each
other like, "Oh my gosh,

342
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:11,178
that just happened,
that just happened."

343
00:16:11,179 --> 00:16:12,721
And that's a true story.

344
00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:15,974
Well, most of that's true.

345
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,769
Well, it's all true
except there was no bear.

346
00:16:18,770 --> 00:16:21,940
(audience cheering,
applauding)

347
00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:28,570
And--

348
00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:31,532
No, there was a bear.

349
00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:35,828
I do sometimes lie up here.

350
00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:38,205
I'm not proud of it.

351
00:16:38,206 --> 00:16:39,957
But sometimes we
all have to lie.

352
00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:43,127
Like, even when I tell
my children not to lie,

353
00:16:43,128 --> 00:16:46,004
I'm kind of lying to them.

354
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:48,465
Some people are like, "You
should never lie to a child,"

355
00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:51,760
and those people
don't have kids.

356
00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:54,221
'Cause when you have kids,
you lie to them all the time.

357
00:16:54,222 --> 00:16:55,639
You're, like, "You wouldn't
like this ice cream,

358
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:59,935
"it's very spicy.

359
00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:03,272
"I'd share but
Santa said I can't.

360
00:17:03,273 --> 00:17:05,607
Now why don't you go to sleep
so I can wrestle your mom?"

361
00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:10,946
(audience laughs)

362
00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:12,865
I'm not encouraging lying.

363
00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:16,034
I'm just saying there are
times when you need to, right?

364
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,953
Like if you're late
to meet someone,

365
00:17:17,954 --> 00:17:20,038
and you can see that
they're already angry,

366
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:23,917
and you don't have an excuse,
you have to lie.

367
00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:25,544
'Cause if you told
that person the truth,

368
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:28,130
they would never
speak to you again.

369
00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:29,590
You can't be like,
"Hey, I gotta come clean.

370
00:17:29,591 --> 00:17:33,218
I just couldn't
motivate to get goin'."

371
00:17:33,219 --> 00:17:34,970
"I mean,
eventually I could.

372
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:36,930
What I'm tryin' to say is
I don't value your time."

373
00:17:36,931 --> 00:17:40,559
(audience laughs)

374
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,311
I've identified
there are two times

375
00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:44,897
when it's socially
acceptable to lie.

376
00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:47,357
To spare someone's feelings,
it's okay to lie.

377
00:17:47,358 --> 00:17:50,402
It's also okay to lie
to cover up a murder.

378
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,613
(audience laughs)

379
00:17:52,614 --> 00:17:55,949
Allow me to explain.

380
00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:58,535
When we discover
someone's a murderer,

381
00:17:58,536 --> 00:18:00,829
we also learn they've
done some fibbin'.

382
00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:04,625
But we tend to focus
on the murder part.

383
00:18:04,626 --> 00:18:06,835
You never hear, "I'm angry
he killed that guy,

384
00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:09,630
but frankly I'm more upset
about the lying."

385
00:18:09,631 --> 00:18:13,091
It's the dishonesty
that bothers me.

386
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:16,136
Some trust has been broken.

387
00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:17,888
Speaking of lying murderers,

388
00:18:17,889 --> 00:18:21,225
I watch a lot of "Dateline."
I don't wanna brag.

389
00:18:21,226 --> 00:18:24,311
Some other winners out there.

390
00:18:24,312 --> 00:18:27,439
If you're unfamiliar or
you have a life, "Dateline" --

391
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,066
(audience laughs)

392
00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:32,110
is a news magazine
show like "60 Minutes,"

393
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:37,324
but at one point "Dateline"
just went all-in on murder.

394
00:18:37,325 --> 00:18:39,284
And it's usually
spousal murder.

395
00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:41,078
Like if you watch
"Dateline," it appears

396
00:18:41,079 --> 00:18:43,121
most marriages
end in murder.

397
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:46,750
(audience laughs)

398
00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,710
Every episode
starts the same.

399
00:18:48,711 --> 00:18:52,923
They had the perfect
marriage.

400
00:18:52,924 --> 00:18:56,176
But you know someone's
gettin' killed.

401
00:18:56,177 --> 00:18:57,594
A husband, a wife.

402
00:18:57,595 --> 00:18:59,012
Sometimes they'll
get someone else

403
00:18:59,013 --> 00:19:02,266
to kill their spouse,
which seems impersonal.

404
00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:05,853
Like, you took a vow,
do it yourself.

405
00:19:05,854 --> 00:19:07,646
(audience laughs)

406
00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:09,565
Anyway, I was watchin'
this one episode

407
00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:11,441
of "Dateline" about this
guy who murdered his wife.

408
00:19:11,442 --> 00:19:12,860
It was gruesome.

409
00:19:12,861 --> 00:19:17,197
I was watchin' with my
wife on our anniversary.

410
00:19:17,198 --> 00:19:18,824
My wife didn't care.

411
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:22,160
I mean, she wasn't thrilled
I was taking notes.

412
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:23,203
"What are you writing down?"

413
00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:26,039
"This guy's just sloppy.

414
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:29,167
It's like he's
tryin' to get caught."

415
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:32,379
If anything, this guy's
plan was full proof.

416
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:34,172
What he did
on his anniversary

417
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:35,966
is he threw a party
for him and his wife,

418
00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:37,593
and they invited
all their friends

419
00:19:37,594 --> 00:19:39,803
so that they could see
how happy they were,

420
00:19:39,804 --> 00:19:42,306
and then the next morning
he took his wife fishing.

421
00:19:42,307 --> 00:19:44,141
He rented a boat,
he brought a cooler,

422
00:19:44,142 --> 00:19:47,603
some tackle, three
concrete blocks and a tarp.

423
00:19:47,604 --> 00:19:49,521
(audience laughs)

424
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:52,566
You know, for fishing.

425
00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:54,651
And he woulda gotten
away with the whole thing,

426
00:19:54,652 --> 00:19:58,739
but three months after his
wife disappeared at sea,

427
00:19:58,740 --> 00:20:01,992
he got engaged
to a stripper.

428
00:20:01,993 --> 00:20:04,578
Which is kinda suspicious.

429
00:20:04,579 --> 00:20:06,455
And to celebrate
their engagement,

430
00:20:06,456 --> 00:20:09,166
they dropped acid,
as tradition would have.

431
00:20:09,167 --> 00:20:11,710
(audience laughs)

432
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:13,795
And while tripping
on acid, he admitted

433
00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:16,590
the whole thing
to his fiance.

434
00:20:16,591 --> 00:20:20,761
And she turned him in
'cause she didn't
appreciate the dishonesty.

435
00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:23,430
(audience laughs)

436
00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:26,225
(audience cheering,
applauding)

437
00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:32,814
And as the episode ended
all I could think is,

438
00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:35,817
"I'm a terrific husband."

439
00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:39,655
I've never even thought
of murdering my wife.

440
00:20:39,656 --> 00:20:44,076
Well, I've never made
plans to murder my wife.

441
00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:47,287
Well, I don't own
concrete blocks.

442
00:20:47,288 --> 00:20:49,414
(audience laughs)

443
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:51,333
I can see some of
you are like,

444
00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:54,336
"Jim, I don't
like the murder jokes.
I don't like them."

445
00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:55,796
But wouldn't it
be great if

446
00:20:55,797 --> 00:20:59,007
in a week, you learned
I was a murderer?

447
00:20:59,008 --> 00:21:00,384
'Cause then you could brag.

448
00:21:00,385 --> 00:21:01,760
You could be like,
"Oh my gosh,

449
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:04,304
"we were at the taping
for his special.

450
00:21:04,305 --> 00:21:07,724
And he had all these
jokes on murder."

451
00:21:07,725 --> 00:21:09,017
"Were they good?"

452
00:21:09,018 --> 00:21:11,603
"Not really, no.

453
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:15,857
He was better at
murder than comedy."

454
00:21:15,858 --> 00:21:17,275
If you know me,
I would do anything

455
00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:19,820
for my wife, and that's
part of my alibi.

456
00:21:19,821 --> 00:21:22,322
No, I--

457
00:21:22,323 --> 00:21:26,034
(audience cheering,
applauding)

458
00:21:26,035 --> 00:21:27,786
I would do anything
for my wife,

459
00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:29,830
but I'm not
a romantic person.

460
00:21:29,831 --> 00:21:31,206
I wish I was.

461
00:21:31,207 --> 00:21:32,916
There are moments when
it's glaringly obvious.

462
00:21:32,917 --> 00:21:35,043
I get to travel so
much during stand up.

463
00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:37,254
I did a show in Cologne,
Germany,

464
00:21:37,255 --> 00:21:39,673
and before the show, I was
walking over this bridge

465
00:21:39,674 --> 00:21:41,216
that went across
the Rhine River,

466
00:21:41,217 --> 00:21:43,218
and as I walked across,
I noticed

467
00:21:43,219 --> 00:21:45,012
there were
hundreds of locks,

468
00:21:45,013 --> 00:21:46,847
hundreds of locks
on this bridge,

469
00:21:46,848 --> 00:21:48,515
and each of the locks
had two initials,

470
00:21:48,516 --> 00:21:50,600
and it was apparent
that couples

471
00:21:50,601 --> 00:21:52,144
had put the lock there

472
00:21:52,145 --> 00:21:54,354
as a symbol
of their relationship,

473
00:21:54,355 --> 00:21:56,565
and I looked at it and
I thought, "That's perfect."

474
00:21:56,566 --> 00:22:01,403
Nothing captures love
like a rusty padlock,

475
00:22:01,404 --> 00:22:05,240
dangling over filthy water.

476
00:22:05,241 --> 00:22:08,702
But it was visually spectacular
and it affected me.

477
00:22:08,703 --> 00:22:10,495
I'm almost embarrassed
to admit this.

478
00:22:10,496 --> 00:22:13,081
I found myself
spending the next hour

479
00:22:13,082 --> 00:22:16,418
just kind of looking
for a hardware store

480
00:22:16,419 --> 00:22:18,086
in this town I
had never been in.

481
00:22:18,087 --> 00:22:20,088
I spent an hour
looking and eventually

482
00:22:20,089 --> 00:22:21,465
I found a hardware store.

483
00:22:21,466 --> 00:22:24,259
I went in and I
bought a bolt cutter.

484
00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:28,680
(audience cheering,
applauding)

485
00:22:28,681 --> 00:22:33,602
And I went back and I started
snipping off the locks.

486
00:22:33,603 --> 00:22:36,772
And with each snip
I said, "It's over.

487
00:22:36,773 --> 00:22:39,441
It's over.
You're free."

488
00:22:39,442 --> 00:22:44,029
And people were
givin' me dirty looks.

489
00:22:44,030 --> 00:22:46,990
What a grand romantic
gesture right?

490
00:22:46,991 --> 00:22:51,995
But, you know the first guy
who did that was a psycho.

491
00:22:51,996 --> 00:22:54,247
Like his partner
or girlfriend was

492
00:22:54,248 --> 00:22:57,084
not a willing participant.

493
00:22:57,085 --> 00:22:58,835
He was like,
"You're probably wondering

494
00:22:58,836 --> 00:23:03,131
"why I brought you to
the middle of the bridge,

495
00:23:03,132 --> 00:23:05,050
"in March.

496
00:23:05,051 --> 00:23:08,595
I'm gonna do something
you'll never ever forget."

497
00:23:08,596 --> 00:23:12,599
She was like, "Oh my gosh,
are you gonna jump?"

498
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:16,603
"No. I wanna
put this lock here.

499
00:23:16,604 --> 00:23:19,272
"I'll put it here as
a symbol of our love.

500
00:23:19,273 --> 00:23:21,608
"Soon others will do it,
and the bridge

501
00:23:21,609 --> 00:23:23,568
"will be covered with locks.

502
00:23:23,569 --> 00:23:25,862
"But you'll know
that the first lock

503
00:23:25,863 --> 00:23:28,573
was the symbol of our love."

504
00:23:28,574 --> 00:23:32,119
And the woman's like,
"Is that my bike lock?"

505
00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:34,913
(audience laughs)

506
00:23:34,914 --> 00:23:35,872
"Not anymore."

507
00:23:35,873 --> 00:23:39,626
(audience laughs)

508
00:23:39,627 --> 00:23:44,172
"Jim, that's a sad story."

509
00:23:44,173 --> 00:23:47,134
Recently, I was invited to
a surprise birthday party.

510
00:23:47,135 --> 00:23:52,139
It was a surprise
birthday party for a dog.

511
00:23:52,140 --> 00:23:54,975
That's right, I have friends
that are mentally ill.

512
00:23:54,976 --> 00:23:57,352
(audience laughs)

513
00:23:57,353 --> 00:23:59,312
I went, I went. It was in
my apartment building

514
00:23:59,313 --> 00:24:00,939
and I needed the material.

515
00:24:00,940 --> 00:24:04,151
(audience laughs)

516
00:24:04,152 --> 00:24:08,321
And to be fair,
the dog was surprised.

517
00:24:08,322 --> 00:24:10,824
Didn't suspect a thing.

518
00:24:10,825 --> 00:24:12,492
Dog didn't know
it was his birthday.

519
00:24:12,493 --> 00:24:15,245
The dog didn't know
it had a birthday.

520
00:24:15,246 --> 00:24:19,457
The dog wasn't sure why
people were in the apartment.

521
00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:21,168
It was the dog's
third birthday,

522
00:24:21,169 --> 00:24:23,336
which in dog years
doesn't matter.

523
00:24:23,337 --> 00:24:25,463
(audience laughs)

524
00:24:25,464 --> 00:24:27,799
Someone made that up and
we just went along with it.

525
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:30,093
Oh, one year equals
seven for doggies?

526
00:24:30,094 --> 00:24:31,970
Okay.

527
00:24:31,971 --> 00:24:36,224
When I see a dog,
I'll do math.

528
00:24:36,225 --> 00:24:39,227
That's not fulfilling
some dog need, you know?

529
00:24:39,228 --> 00:24:41,855
There's not a dog sitting
in a bar right now

530
00:24:41,856 --> 00:24:45,650
going, "I'm not three,
I'm 21!

531
00:24:45,651 --> 00:24:49,029
I can legally drink!"

532
00:24:49,030 --> 00:24:52,574
That's not how dogs
keep track of time.

533
00:24:52,575 --> 00:24:55,744
If you have a dog, you know
they don't keep track of time.

534
00:24:55,745 --> 00:24:57,495
You've left your home,
forgotten something,

535
00:24:57,496 --> 00:24:59,289
walked back in
only to be greeted

536
00:24:59,290 --> 00:25:02,375
by your dog like you've
just returned from war.

537
00:25:02,376 --> 00:25:05,545
"You're back!
It's a miracle!

538
00:25:05,546 --> 00:25:09,090
You're back after I don't know
how long 'cause I'm a dog."

539
00:25:09,091 --> 00:25:13,303
(audience laughs)

540
00:25:13,304 --> 00:25:16,181
These poor dogs.

541
00:25:16,182 --> 00:25:20,852
We just attach these points
of view on these poor dogs.

542
00:25:20,853 --> 00:25:23,063
Like dog
is man's best friend.

543
00:25:23,064 --> 00:25:26,316
How desperate are humans?

544
00:25:26,317 --> 00:25:28,985
We're best friends, right?

545
00:25:28,986 --> 00:25:32,948
Dog's like, "Well, aren't
we different species?"

546
00:25:32,949 --> 00:25:34,449
"But we're
best friends forever."

547
00:25:34,450 --> 00:25:39,162
"You know you lock me
in the house all day,

548
00:25:39,163 --> 00:25:42,499
"with nothing but
a bowl of water.

549
00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:46,586
You'd think you'd let your
best friend sit on the couch."

550
00:25:46,587 --> 00:25:48,713
"We're best friends. Now
put on this fireman's outfit.

551
00:25:48,714 --> 00:25:52,592
We're gonna do a photo
shoot for Instagram."

552
00:25:52,593 --> 00:25:54,094
"You know sometimes
when you sleep,

553
00:25:54,095 --> 00:25:55,553
I think about
eating your face."

554
00:25:55,554 --> 00:25:58,266
(audience laughs)

555
00:26:01,894 --> 00:26:03,645
But I get it.
I love dogs too.

556
00:26:03,646 --> 00:26:05,480
I love animals.

557
00:26:05,481 --> 00:26:07,065
We all have a friend
that announces

558
00:26:07,066 --> 00:26:09,192
they love animals
in a way that implies

559
00:26:09,193 --> 00:26:12,320
the rest of us
are drowning kittens.

560
00:26:12,321 --> 00:26:15,824
"Yeah, but I love animals."

561
00:26:15,825 --> 00:26:17,742
Well, that's a pretty
exclusive group

562
00:26:17,743 --> 00:26:22,205
of just you and anyone
who's not a serial killer.

563
00:26:22,206 --> 00:26:24,541
"Yeah, but I just get
along with animals better."

564
00:26:24,542 --> 00:26:26,668
Or humans don't like you.

565
00:26:26,669 --> 00:26:30,964
(audience laughs)

566
00:26:30,965 --> 00:26:33,091
I did have
an opportunity to

567
00:26:33,092 --> 00:26:35,343
go on a safari,
which was unbelievable.

568
00:26:35,344 --> 00:26:38,138
It was breathtaking
how bad the wifi was.

569
00:26:38,139 --> 00:26:40,849
(audience laughs)

570
00:26:40,850 --> 00:26:42,475
I went on a safari
which is just

571
00:26:42,476 --> 00:26:46,187
a fancy word
for animal stalking.

572
00:26:46,188 --> 00:26:47,564
'Cause that's what
you do on a safari.

573
00:26:47,565 --> 00:26:49,399
You follow animals
and watch them.

574
00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:51,110
You're like...

575
00:26:58,075 --> 00:26:59,117
Beautiful.

576
00:26:59,118 --> 00:27:02,620
(audience laughs)

577
00:27:02,621 --> 00:27:04,331
It's a good thing
these animals

578
00:27:04,332 --> 00:27:07,334
can't report us
to the police.

579
00:27:07,335 --> 00:27:10,086
"Yeah, officer, that fat
guy in the untucked shirt

580
00:27:10,087 --> 00:27:14,758
"followed me for an
hour this morning.

581
00:27:14,759 --> 00:27:18,053
"I woke up and he was taking
pictures of me and my family.

582
00:27:18,054 --> 00:27:20,764
(audience laughs)

583
00:27:20,765 --> 00:27:23,767
"We were naked.

584
00:27:23,768 --> 00:27:25,810
Yeah, the guy who looks like
Phillip Seymour Hoffman."

585
00:27:25,811 --> 00:27:29,647
(audience laughs)

586
00:27:29,648 --> 00:27:32,734
On the safari, I saw one
animal kill another animal,

587
00:27:32,735 --> 00:27:34,652
and intellectually I was,
like, I don't wanna see that,

588
00:27:34,653 --> 00:27:38,323
but emotionally in the
moment I was like, "Get him."

589
00:27:38,324 --> 00:27:41,242
"Kill it!"

590
00:27:41,243 --> 00:27:43,620
My kids were totally
savage about it.

591
00:27:43,621 --> 00:27:46,998
They're like, "Kill him,
kill him! I want blood."

592
00:27:46,999 --> 00:27:48,583
My kids were with me.

593
00:27:48,584 --> 00:27:53,129
My kids were poorly
behaved on a safari.

594
00:27:53,130 --> 00:27:54,589
They're six and seven,

595
00:27:54,590 --> 00:27:56,633
and animals would walk by
like, "Savages."

596
00:27:56,634 --> 00:27:59,010
(audience laughs)

597
00:27:59,011 --> 00:28:01,763
My two youngest are six
and seven year old boys,

598
00:28:01,764 --> 00:28:03,932
and they're total savages.

599
00:28:03,933 --> 00:28:05,600
They're constantly
picking on me.

600
00:28:05,601 --> 00:28:07,727
They're jumping on me
and they pick on me.

601
00:28:07,728 --> 00:28:10,271
How they pick on me recently
is they make fun of my,

602
00:28:10,272 --> 00:28:12,899
what they call
my huge boy part.

603
00:28:12,900 --> 00:28:15,568
(audience laughs)

604
00:28:15,569 --> 00:28:18,738
Now before you think I'm
walking around the house naked,

605
00:28:18,739 --> 00:28:22,826
or in fact
have a huge boy part,

606
00:28:22,827 --> 00:28:25,620
you should know that, like,
when you have young sons,

607
00:28:25,621 --> 00:28:28,415
you have to constantly
encourage them to
use the bathroom,

608
00:28:28,416 --> 00:28:30,458
and if you're a dad,
sometimes you pee with them,

609
00:28:30,459 --> 00:28:33,461
so that's why they've
seen my boy part.

610
00:28:33,462 --> 00:28:35,004
But that doesn't
explain why sometimes

611
00:28:35,005 --> 00:28:36,673
at dinner, they'll
just point at me

612
00:28:36,674 --> 00:28:41,136
and giggle, and go,
"Dad and his huge boy part."

613
00:28:41,137 --> 00:28:42,429
I never know what to say.

614
00:28:42,430 --> 00:28:45,765
I'm like, "Guilty."

615
00:28:45,766 --> 00:28:47,851
"Got me again.
Did you hear that honey?"

616
00:28:47,852 --> 00:28:50,563
(audience laughs)

617
00:28:57,194 --> 00:28:58,653
Lovely weather out there.

618
00:28:58,654 --> 00:29:00,447
(audience laughs)

619
00:29:00,448 --> 00:29:02,532
I prefer the cold to hot.
I do.

620
00:29:02,533 --> 00:29:04,451
I know that's surprising
looking at me,

621
00:29:04,452 --> 00:29:07,078
given I look like a snowman.

622
00:29:07,079 --> 00:29:08,955
(audience cheering,
applauding)

623
00:29:08,956 --> 00:29:10,623
But I prefer
the cold you know?

624
00:29:10,624 --> 00:29:12,625
Last summer
I was in Las Vegas.

625
00:29:12,626 --> 00:29:15,462
It was 114 degrees.

626
00:29:15,463 --> 00:29:17,297
114 degrees.

627
00:29:17,298 --> 00:29:20,008
You can actually hear
the sun at that point.

628
00:29:20,009 --> 00:29:22,760
(imitates sun crackling)

629
00:29:22,761 --> 00:29:24,512
It didn't feel safe.

630
00:29:24,513 --> 00:29:28,475
I was, like, "Are we
supposed to be here?"

631
00:29:28,476 --> 00:29:30,143
114-- Like, you're never
at a friends house

632
00:29:30,144 --> 00:29:31,561
and, "Warm in here."

633
00:29:31,562 --> 00:29:35,231
"Yeah, I set the
thermostat to 114.

634
00:29:35,232 --> 00:29:37,775
That's how I like it.
I'm part lizard."

635
00:29:37,776 --> 00:29:40,278
(audience laughs)

636
00:29:40,279 --> 00:29:42,197
Thermostats don't
even go up that high.

637
00:29:42,198 --> 00:29:46,159
Meat thermometers do.

638
00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:49,120
I think God is just
cooking people in Vegas.

639
00:29:49,121 --> 00:29:50,663
(imitates sun crackling)

640
00:29:50,664 --> 00:29:52,999
"Ooh, that one's smoking.
I love smoked meat."

641
00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:55,502
(imitates sun crackling)

642
00:29:55,503 --> 00:29:59,088
It was 114 degrees,
which was shocking,

643
00:29:59,089 --> 00:30:02,592
but not as shocking as how
casually Las Vegas residents

644
00:30:02,593 --> 00:30:04,636
just went about their
day in that heat.

645
00:30:04,637 --> 00:30:05,970
It was like...
(imitates sun crackling)

646
00:30:05,971 --> 00:30:07,347
They were like,
"Let's play Frisbee.

647
00:30:07,348 --> 00:30:08,556
Time to walk the dog."

648
00:30:08,557 --> 00:30:11,476
I was like, "Get inside!

649
00:30:11,477 --> 00:30:14,395
"The Earth is on fire!

650
00:30:14,396 --> 00:30:18,525
"Get inside and beg
for God's forgiveness.

651
00:30:18,526 --> 00:30:22,195
You've obviously angered him!"

652
00:30:22,196 --> 00:30:24,239
That's why Vegas
is called Sin City,

653
00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:28,201
it's the same
temperature as Hell.

654
00:30:28,202 --> 00:30:30,036
I have a friend
from Vegas.

655
00:30:30,037 --> 00:30:31,162
I told him it was 114.

656
00:30:31,163 --> 00:30:32,539
He goes, "That's nothin'."

657
00:30:32,540 --> 00:30:35,250
I'm like,
"No, that's somethin'.

658
00:30:35,251 --> 00:30:38,461
That's actually the
temperature you boil water at."

659
00:30:38,462 --> 00:30:42,549
He's, like, "It's not that bad."
"Not if you're makin' Ramen."

660
00:30:42,550 --> 00:30:44,092
He's, like,
"That's our summer."

661
00:30:44,093 --> 00:30:45,969
That's not summer.

662
00:30:45,970 --> 00:30:47,887
Summer is when you
barbecue on the grill,

663
00:30:47,888 --> 00:30:50,265
not the side walk.

664
00:30:50,266 --> 00:30:53,726
It's so weird to be places
where summer is the enemy.

665
00:30:53,727 --> 00:30:55,937
I was, like, in the
southwest, they talk

666
00:30:55,938 --> 00:30:57,605
about summer like
it's an ex lover

667
00:30:57,606 --> 00:30:59,691
they never wanna see again.

668
00:30:59,692 --> 00:31:04,195
"We gotta get outta here
before summer gets here.

669
00:31:04,196 --> 00:31:08,616
Last year, I couldn't leave my
house when summer was here."

670
00:31:08,617 --> 00:31:10,577
You ever notice the
further north you go,

671
00:31:10,578 --> 00:31:12,787
the more obsessed
people are with summer?

672
00:31:12,788 --> 00:31:15,707
Like I-- In February,
I was in Bangor, Maine,

673
00:31:15,708 --> 00:31:17,625
and everyone was
talking about summer.

674
00:31:17,626 --> 00:31:19,836
Everyone I met, they're
like, "You gotta come
back during summer.

675
00:31:19,837 --> 00:31:21,963
You gotta come back."

676
00:31:21,964 --> 00:31:23,715
Which is a strange
way to greet someone.

677
00:31:23,716 --> 00:31:25,425
"Hi, how are ya?
Come back later."

678
00:31:25,426 --> 00:31:28,511
(audience laughs)

679
00:31:28,512 --> 00:31:29,846
And it was everyone.

680
00:31:29,847 --> 00:31:31,139
"You gotta come
back during summer,

681
00:31:31,140 --> 00:31:34,017
you gotta, I'm--"
"Yeah but I'm here now."

682
00:31:34,018 --> 00:31:35,893
"Just make sure
you come back."

683
00:31:35,894 --> 00:31:37,770
"I didn't wanna
come the first time."

684
00:31:37,771 --> 00:31:39,814
(audience laughs)

685
00:31:39,815 --> 00:31:42,233
But I love how northern
cities sell summer.

686
00:31:42,234 --> 00:31:44,193
Like, "Summer here's
unbelievable.

687
00:31:44,194 --> 00:31:47,780
It's perfect. For one twelfth
of the year it's ideal.

688
00:31:47,781 --> 00:31:49,198
"Otherwise
it's a tundra filled

689
00:31:49,199 --> 00:31:52,577
"with alcoholism
and depression.

690
00:31:52,578 --> 00:31:55,955
But for those 13 odd
days it's worth it."

691
00:31:55,956 --> 00:31:58,124
(audience laughs, cheers)

692
00:31:58,125 --> 00:32:01,127
I did nothing today.

693
00:32:01,128 --> 00:32:02,837
Didn't feel any
pressure to do anything.

694
00:32:02,838 --> 00:32:04,881
Some places you feel like
a pressure to do something,

695
00:32:04,882 --> 00:32:07,508
like St. Louis,
"You gotta go see our arch."

696
00:32:07,509 --> 00:32:09,594
"I don't want to."

697
00:32:09,595 --> 00:32:11,596
"Go look at our arch."

698
00:32:11,597 --> 00:32:16,142
"Why don't I just go
McDonald's and see two?"

699
00:32:16,143 --> 00:32:18,436
San Antonio, "You
gotta go to the Alamo."

700
00:32:18,437 --> 00:32:20,730
"I was gonna nap."

701
00:32:20,731 --> 00:32:22,732
"No, you're gonna stand
outside in blistering heat

702
00:32:22,733 --> 00:32:24,817
and look at a building."

703
00:32:24,818 --> 00:32:29,030
"Can't I just say
I forgot about the Alamo?"

704
00:32:29,031 --> 00:32:31,199
You know who didn't
wanna go to the Alamo?

705
00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:33,576
The people who
died at the Alamo.

706
00:32:33,577 --> 00:32:35,078
I bet their
last thought was,

707
00:32:35,079 --> 00:32:36,996
"I wish I didn't
go to the Alamo.

708
00:32:36,997 --> 00:32:40,541
I thought it was a
rental car company."

709
00:32:40,542 --> 00:32:43,211
Can you imagine
that level of bravery?

710
00:32:43,212 --> 00:32:47,131
187 Texans fought
2,000 of Santa Anna's

711
00:32:47,132 --> 00:32:49,717
finest Mexican troops
and at one point

712
00:32:49,718 --> 00:32:51,969
those 180 Texans
just decided,

713
00:32:51,970 --> 00:32:54,639
"We should just fight
'til we all die."

714
00:32:54,640 --> 00:32:56,307
Like, if I was there
I would've been like,

715
00:32:56,308 --> 00:32:58,559
"Excuse me.
I love the idea of Texas too,

716
00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:03,314
"but have you tried
this Mexican food?

717
00:33:03,315 --> 00:33:07,652
"It is delicioso.

718
00:33:07,653 --> 00:33:11,864
I propose we remember
the guacamole."

719
00:33:11,865 --> 00:33:15,660
Of course Vegas, the big
assignment is to gamble.

720
00:33:15,661 --> 00:33:18,121
Nobody every admits
they gamble when
they go to Las Vegas.

721
00:33:18,122 --> 00:33:19,872
"You goin' to Vegas,
you gonna gamble?"

722
00:33:19,873 --> 00:33:22,041
"No, I'm gonna see shows."

723
00:33:22,042 --> 00:33:23,334
"You're not gonna
gamble at all?"

724
00:33:23,335 --> 00:33:25,169
"Well, if I walk by
a poker table

725
00:33:25,170 --> 00:33:29,882
"I might sit down
and lose $10,000.

726
00:33:29,883 --> 00:33:33,469
I'm mainly going
for the shows."

727
00:33:33,470 --> 00:33:35,471
We don't like to
admit we gamble.
People never admit it.

728
00:33:35,472 --> 00:33:37,140
They're like,
"I'm not gambling,

729
00:33:37,141 --> 00:33:39,142
"I'm just pulling this lever.
I like to pull levers.

730
00:33:39,143 --> 00:33:40,852
"It's a good arm workout.

731
00:33:40,853 --> 00:33:43,020
"I'm not gambling, I'm just
watching these horses run

732
00:33:43,021 --> 00:33:45,940
and letting the winner
determine if I keep my home."

733
00:33:45,941 --> 00:33:48,192
(audience laughs)

734
00:33:48,193 --> 00:33:50,695
We are country that
loves to bet on horses.

735
00:33:50,696 --> 00:33:52,739
Every spring,
we track the three races

736
00:33:52,740 --> 00:33:54,073
of the Triple Crown,
and every spring

737
00:33:54,074 --> 00:33:55,283
I always have
the same thought.

738
00:33:55,284 --> 00:33:57,660
We're still doing this?

739
00:33:57,661 --> 00:34:00,997
Is Woodrow Wilson president?

740
00:34:00,998 --> 00:34:02,707
But people love
the Triple Crown.

741
00:34:02,708 --> 00:34:05,168
The Kentucky Derby,
where people bet on horses

742
00:34:05,169 --> 00:34:09,046
while they're dressed
like characters from
"Gone with the Wind."

743
00:34:09,047 --> 00:34:12,341
It's like prom for gamblers.

744
00:34:12,342 --> 00:34:13,843
"Do you like my hat?

745
00:34:13,844 --> 00:34:15,553
I'm living in
my sisters garage."

746
00:34:15,554 --> 00:34:17,889
(audience laughs)

747
00:34:17,890 --> 00:34:21,184
"'Cause I have a debilitating
gambling addiction.

748
00:34:21,185 --> 00:34:25,104
Shall we have
another mint julep?"

749
00:34:25,105 --> 00:34:26,689
They always
announce the winner

750
00:34:26,690 --> 00:34:27,982
of each race on the news.

751
00:34:27,983 --> 00:34:29,400
You can always tell the horse

752
00:34:29,401 --> 00:34:31,235
was named by a guy
on his eighth wife.

753
00:34:31,236 --> 00:34:35,823
The horse is always named
like Viagra's Revenge.

754
00:34:35,824 --> 00:34:38,659
Alimony Be Damned.

755
00:34:38,660 --> 00:34:40,953
They show a picture of the
winning horse on the news.

756
00:34:40,954 --> 00:34:42,580
They could show us
a picture of any horse,

757
00:34:42,581 --> 00:34:44,874
we wouldn't
know the difference.

758
00:34:44,875 --> 00:34:47,168
I don't know
what we're supposed
to do with that horse image.

759
00:34:47,169 --> 00:34:51,255
It's not like we're gonna
run into that horse in a bar.

760
00:34:51,256 --> 00:34:54,592
"Excuse me, did you win
the Kentucky Derby?"

761
00:34:54,593 --> 00:34:57,720
"I did,
I won the Kentucky Derby.

762
00:34:57,721 --> 00:35:01,557
Now I'm in a bar,
enjoying a Heiferweizen."

763
00:35:01,558 --> 00:35:04,602
There is the classic photo
of the winning horse right?

764
00:35:04,603 --> 00:35:06,687
They're always wearing
that huge horseshoe

765
00:35:06,688 --> 00:35:10,817
wreath of flowers they stole
from someone's grave site.

766
00:35:10,818 --> 00:35:12,568
Standing next to
the winning horse

767
00:35:12,569 --> 00:35:15,029
is the owner of the horse,
who did not train the horse,

768
00:35:15,030 --> 00:35:17,740
did not ride the horse,
and based on body language

769
00:35:17,741 --> 00:35:20,660
has never really
met the horse.

770
00:35:20,661 --> 00:35:26,165
There the owner stands,
looking like they've
never paid taxes.

771
00:35:26,166 --> 00:35:28,125
Sitting on top of
the winning horse

772
00:35:28,126 --> 00:35:29,585
is the jockey,
who's dressed like

773
00:35:29,586 --> 00:35:33,840
he just came from
a local pride parade.

774
00:35:33,841 --> 00:35:36,259
They always interview the
jockey expecting some insight.

775
00:35:36,260 --> 00:35:37,969
They're like, "How'd you win?"

776
00:35:37,970 --> 00:35:40,137
The jockey's like, "I whipped
the horse and it ran."

777
00:35:40,138 --> 00:35:42,139
(audience laughs)

778
00:35:42,140 --> 00:35:44,308
It's very rare
for a horse to win

779
00:35:44,309 --> 00:35:45,935
all three races in
the Triple Crown,

780
00:35:45,936 --> 00:35:50,565
mainly 'cause they're
horses and they don't care.

781
00:35:50,566 --> 00:35:54,443
Mostly they just want someone
to stop whipping them,

782
00:35:54,444 --> 00:35:56,571
'cause they're horses.

783
00:35:56,572 --> 00:35:57,989
I didn't know this.

784
00:35:57,990 --> 00:36:00,199
After the Triple Crown,
all those horses retire.

785
00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:03,202
They retire
at the age of three.

786
00:36:03,203 --> 00:36:05,580
It feels early.

787
00:36:05,581 --> 00:36:07,540
They retire and then
they're sent out to stud.

788
00:36:07,541 --> 00:36:10,042
Those horses get
paid to have sex,

789
00:36:10,043 --> 00:36:14,213
which in some ways is better
than winning the Triple Crown.

790
00:36:14,214 --> 00:36:16,924
That's like
the quadruple crown.

791
00:36:16,925 --> 00:36:19,135
That's gotta be an
adjustment for those horses.

792
00:36:19,136 --> 00:36:20,678
Like, "Hey, remember
when we whipped you

793
00:36:20,679 --> 00:36:22,054
"and we wanted you to run?

794
00:36:22,055 --> 00:36:24,432
"Well, now when we
whip you, we're gonna

795
00:36:24,433 --> 00:36:26,392
have you do something
a little different."

796
00:36:26,393 --> 00:36:29,770
(audience laughs)

797
00:36:29,771 --> 00:36:33,190
"How many horse jokes
is this guy gonna do?

798
00:36:33,191 --> 00:36:37,194
I never thought
I'd miss a murder joke."

799
00:36:37,195 --> 00:36:40,156
There's a lot more
horse jokes.

800
00:36:40,157 --> 00:36:43,910
And if you haven't noticed,
I know nothing about horses.

801
00:36:43,911 --> 00:36:46,662
I don't horseback ride
mainly because

802
00:36:46,663 --> 00:36:52,293
I prefer to be comfortable,
and it's not the 1800's.

803
00:36:52,294 --> 00:36:54,086
I'm sure the horses
aren't thrilled either.

804
00:36:54,087 --> 00:36:55,630
They're like, "Why am I
carrying you around?

805
00:36:55,631 --> 00:36:58,633
I saw you drive up
in a Honda Civic?"

806
00:36:58,634 --> 00:37:02,303
(audience cheering,
applauding)

807
00:37:02,304 --> 00:37:04,013
But people like
to horseback ride.

808
00:37:04,014 --> 00:37:05,932
I have a friend,
she told me the reason

809
00:37:05,933 --> 00:37:08,351
she enjoys horseback riding
is 'cause she loves horses

810
00:37:08,352 --> 00:37:10,269
which seems like
a strange way

811
00:37:10,270 --> 00:37:12,688
of expressing love
for something.

812
00:37:12,689 --> 00:37:15,983
Making it carry you
around on its back.

813
00:37:15,984 --> 00:37:18,110
I mean I love my
Great Aunt Katie.

814
00:37:18,111 --> 00:37:20,488
(audience laughs)

815
00:37:20,489 --> 00:37:24,283
I'm not gonna make her
carry me around on her back.

816
00:37:24,284 --> 00:37:25,326
Not anymore, yeah.

817
00:37:25,327 --> 00:37:27,536
(audience laughs)

818
00:37:27,537 --> 00:37:29,163
I don't even know why
we have to specify

819
00:37:29,164 --> 00:37:31,749
that it's horse-back riding.

820
00:37:31,750 --> 00:37:34,377
(audience laughs)

821
00:37:34,378 --> 00:37:36,170
Are there people like,
"Hey, you wanna ride a horse?

822
00:37:36,171 --> 00:37:38,422
What part?"

823
00:37:38,423 --> 00:37:41,676
(audience laughs)

824
00:37:41,677 --> 00:37:45,554
"The part that looks
like a seat, the back."

825
00:37:45,555 --> 00:37:49,100
"Oh good, 'cause I've
done horse-ass riding.

826
00:37:49,101 --> 00:37:51,102
That was painful,
I kept fallin' off."

827
00:37:51,103 --> 00:37:53,479
(audience laughs)

828
00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:55,064
I should probably tell you,

829
00:37:55,065 --> 00:37:57,358
the rest of the show
is all horse jokes.

830
00:37:57,359 --> 00:37:59,110
(audience cheering,
applauding)

831
00:37:59,111 --> 00:38:02,488
(gasps)
"Is he serious?"

832
00:38:02,489 --> 00:38:04,866
(audience cheering,
applauding)

833
00:38:07,327 --> 00:38:09,620
There are different
types of horses.

834
00:38:09,621 --> 00:38:11,873
(audience laughs)

835
00:38:13,208 --> 00:38:15,960
"He's gonna
keep going isn't he?"

836
00:38:15,961 --> 00:38:18,295
No, there are breeds
of horses, right?

837
00:38:18,296 --> 00:38:20,214
Which is different
from horse breeding.

838
00:38:20,215 --> 00:38:22,258
I don't know if you've ever
seen two horses breed,

839
00:38:22,259 --> 00:38:24,927
but that'll keep you
awake at night.

840
00:38:24,928 --> 00:38:29,056
If you've never
seen two horses breed,
do not YouTube it.

841
00:38:29,057 --> 00:38:31,559
Do not YouTube it and
print out still images.

842
00:38:31,560 --> 00:38:33,185
Don't do that.

843
00:38:33,186 --> 00:38:34,979
Don't affix your face
on one of the images

844
00:38:34,980 --> 00:38:36,188
and show your wife
and think it's funny.

845
00:38:36,189 --> 00:38:38,524
She won't think it's funny.

846
00:38:38,525 --> 00:38:42,194
But that says more
about her then you.

847
00:38:42,195 --> 00:38:43,279
What was I talkin' about?

848
00:38:43,280 --> 00:38:45,740
Horses.

849
00:38:45,741 --> 00:38:47,616
It's strange how
we treat horses.

850
00:38:47,617 --> 00:38:49,035
We give horses shoes.

851
00:38:49,036 --> 00:38:51,912
I don't even know
if horses need shoes.

852
00:38:51,913 --> 00:38:54,749
You never seen a horse in the
wild walking around like, "Ow!

853
00:38:54,750 --> 00:38:56,459
"Ow!

854
00:38:56,460 --> 00:38:59,879
I wish I had some damn shoes!"

855
00:38:59,880 --> 00:39:02,506
We give horses shoes
that are metal.

856
00:39:02,507 --> 00:39:03,591
Metal.

857
00:39:03,592 --> 00:39:07,678
That's worse then Crocs.

858
00:39:07,679 --> 00:39:09,722
That must be hard
to shop for right?

859
00:39:09,723 --> 00:39:11,640
"Do you have anything in
metal but not a slip on?

860
00:39:11,641 --> 00:39:14,810
Something I can
nail to my foot."

861
00:39:14,811 --> 00:39:19,065
That's what we do,
we nail it to their foot!

862
00:39:19,066 --> 00:39:21,400
And when we're not doing
that, we're literally

863
00:39:21,401 --> 00:39:25,196
tossing the horseshoe
around as a game.

864
00:39:25,197 --> 00:39:29,700
The horse must be like,
"What the hell are you
doin' with my shoes?

865
00:39:29,701 --> 00:39:31,869
It probably looks like
we're taunting the horse.

866
00:39:31,870 --> 00:39:34,747
"Hey, horse, why don't you
come and get your shoes?

867
00:39:34,748 --> 00:39:36,415
"Why don't you go and grab it?

868
00:39:36,416 --> 00:39:40,211
Oh, you can't, 'cause
you don't have hands!"

869
00:39:40,212 --> 00:39:45,925
The horse shoe,
a symbol of luck for
everyone but the horse.

870
00:39:45,926 --> 00:39:47,635
I don't know
if this is true.

871
00:39:47,636 --> 00:39:49,553
Someone told me that when
horses are sent out to stud,

872
00:39:49,554 --> 00:39:53,808
some female horses will
wear high heel horse shoes.

873
00:39:53,809 --> 00:39:55,267
Makes them more confident.

874
00:39:55,268 --> 00:39:58,562
"I'm gonna be payin'
for this later on.

875
00:39:58,563 --> 00:40:00,689
Oh, and I've been
on my feet all day."

876
00:40:00,690 --> 00:40:03,485
(audience laughs)

877
00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:08,989
"That's gotta be the
end of the horse jokes."

878
00:40:08,990 --> 00:40:11,242
Horse people,

879
00:40:11,243 --> 00:40:12,785
and I'm not
talkin' about people

880
00:40:12,786 --> 00:40:15,621
that are half-horse,
half-human,

881
00:40:15,622 --> 00:40:18,916
which are centaur's
and they don't exist...

882
00:40:18,917 --> 00:40:21,418
anymore, right?

883
00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:23,504
No, people who own
horses will tell you

884
00:40:23,505 --> 00:40:26,632
that the horse can't even feel
the nail going in their foot.

885
00:40:26,633 --> 00:40:28,634
Not that anyone's ever
heard a horse go,

886
00:40:28,635 --> 00:40:30,928
"That's fine, hammer away.

887
00:40:30,929 --> 00:40:33,556
Next time glue,
just don't tell me where
you got the glue from."

888
00:40:33,557 --> 00:40:36,392
(audience laughs)

889
00:40:36,393 --> 00:40:39,562
Oh, that was too edgy?

890
00:40:39,563 --> 00:40:42,982
There's no horses in here.

891
00:40:42,983 --> 00:40:44,608
There's not a horse
in the front row goin',

892
00:40:44,609 --> 00:40:47,945
"Hey, take it easy on
the glue jokes. I'm gonna--"

893
00:40:47,946 --> 00:40:49,321
I love how some of you
look for it.

894
00:40:49,322 --> 00:40:50,990
"Is there a horse out there?"

895
00:40:50,991 --> 00:40:52,742
(audience laughs)

896
00:40:56,621 --> 00:40:59,915
It's strange how we
treat horses, you know?

897
00:40:59,916 --> 00:41:01,667
The most shocking way
how we treat horses

898
00:41:01,668 --> 00:41:05,921
is when they break
their leg, we shoot them.

899
00:41:05,922 --> 00:41:09,216
That's a harsh medical plan.

900
00:41:09,217 --> 00:41:10,885
And someone explained
the reason

901
00:41:10,886 --> 00:41:12,761
they shoot horses when
they break their leg

902
00:41:12,762 --> 00:41:14,597
is 'cause it's
unlikely the leg

903
00:41:14,598 --> 00:41:17,099
will heal properly,
and I was like, unlikely?

904
00:41:17,100 --> 00:41:19,476
So there's a chance?

905
00:41:19,477 --> 00:41:21,979
Can you imagine how
stressed out horses must be?

906
00:41:21,980 --> 00:41:23,439
Like, "I stepped on a branch.

907
00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:26,150
"It was a branch,
put down the gun!

908
00:41:26,151 --> 00:41:27,568
Look at the branch,
it's a branch!"

909
00:41:27,569 --> 00:41:29,111
Even if they're
injured they're like,

910
00:41:29,112 --> 00:41:31,488
"I'll walk it off,
I'm gonna walk it off.

911
00:41:31,489 --> 00:41:32,531
"Put the gun down, jeez.

912
00:41:32,532 --> 00:41:35,117
"You guys, anyone?

913
00:41:35,118 --> 00:41:36,410
"Have you ever
heard of Ben Gay?

914
00:41:36,411 --> 00:41:38,245
What's goin' on?
Put down the gun!"

915
00:41:38,246 --> 00:41:41,041
(audience laughs)

916
00:41:44,002 --> 00:41:47,254
I can see on
some of your faces,

917
00:41:47,255 --> 00:41:50,966
that you would frankly prefer
if I did more horse jokes.

918
00:41:50,967 --> 00:41:52,801
(audience laughs)

919
00:41:52,802 --> 00:41:57,182
(audience cheering,
applauding)

920
00:42:01,436 --> 00:42:02,728
Okay.

921
00:42:02,729 --> 00:42:04,396
(audience laughs)

922
00:42:04,397 --> 00:42:06,982
It's odd, how we
treat horses 'cause

923
00:42:06,983 --> 00:42:08,651
we live in this
era where we treat

924
00:42:08,652 --> 00:42:11,403
our dogs and cats
as family members.

925
00:42:11,404 --> 00:42:13,656
People are always trying to
get their dog on an airplane.

926
00:42:13,657 --> 00:42:15,241
You know it's just
a matter of time

927
00:42:15,242 --> 00:42:17,618
before someone brings
a horse on a plane.

928
00:42:17,619 --> 00:42:20,579
"Are you kidding me?

929
00:42:20,580 --> 00:42:23,874
"This is my therapy horse.

930
00:42:23,875 --> 00:42:26,752
He keeps me calm
on the flight."

931
00:42:26,753 --> 00:42:31,048
"We'd like to welcome
our Silver Medallion
members to board.

932
00:42:31,049 --> 00:42:34,969
"And anyone traveling
with a farm animal,

933
00:42:34,970 --> 00:42:37,638
"you can board at Gate 47.

934
00:42:37,639 --> 00:42:40,307
Feel free to grab some
sugar cubes that we've..."

935
00:42:40,308 --> 00:42:43,103
(audience laughs)

936
00:42:46,564 --> 00:42:48,816
Horse power.

937
00:42:48,817 --> 00:42:49,985
(audience laughs)

938
00:42:52,195 --> 00:42:56,115
Horse power is so
different from girl power.

939
00:42:56,116 --> 00:42:59,285
Do you know what I mean?
It's like, "You go, horse!"

940
00:42:59,286 --> 00:43:02,204
Hey!

941
00:43:02,205 --> 00:43:04,164
Hay is what horses eat.

942
00:43:04,165 --> 00:43:06,918
(audience laughs)

943
00:43:08,503 --> 00:43:10,379
Okay, I can tell at this point

944
00:43:10,380 --> 00:43:14,216
there's probably one
or two, or 300 of you,

945
00:43:14,217 --> 00:43:16,635
that are frankly annoyed
by the horse jokes.

946
00:43:16,636 --> 00:43:18,512
(audience laughs)

947
00:43:18,513 --> 00:43:20,389
And I want you to know that

948
00:43:20,390 --> 00:43:23,183
your annoyance
gives me pleasure.

949
00:43:23,184 --> 00:43:24,685
(audience laughs)

950
00:43:24,686 --> 00:43:29,607
(audience cheering,
applauding)

951
00:43:31,693 --> 00:43:33,444
All right, you know what?
That's, that's--

952
00:43:33,445 --> 00:43:35,612
No more horse jokes.
I promise, I promise.

953
00:43:35,613 --> 00:43:38,449
All right?
Anyway, um...

954
00:43:38,450 --> 00:43:40,743
ponies...

955
00:43:40,744 --> 00:43:42,036
are completely different.

956
00:43:42,037 --> 00:43:44,204
(audience laughs)

957
00:43:44,205 --> 00:43:45,497
Here's the problem with doing

958
00:43:45,498 --> 00:43:48,625
roughly 10 minutes
of horse jokes.

959
00:43:48,626 --> 00:43:50,294
Besides the audience
hating you

960
00:43:50,295 --> 00:43:52,379
for the rest
of their lives.

961
00:43:52,380 --> 00:43:54,465
It's for the next
couple minutes

962
00:43:54,466 --> 00:43:56,550
you will all be like,
"Is there a horse joke comin'?"

963
00:43:56,551 --> 00:43:58,844
(audience laughs)

964
00:43:58,845 --> 00:44:02,306
Or you're gonna be
like, "He coulda put a
horse joke in there.

965
00:44:02,307 --> 00:44:03,807
"He didn't use the
reference 'giddy up.'

966
00:44:03,808 --> 00:44:06,435
Why wouldn't he
put it in there?"

967
00:44:06,436 --> 00:44:09,521
But I want you to put
the horse jokes aside.

968
00:44:09,522 --> 00:44:12,608
Put them in a barn.

969
00:44:12,609 --> 00:44:14,527
And I'm gonna talk
about something else.

970
00:44:17,072 --> 00:44:18,864
Maybe.

971
00:44:18,865 --> 00:44:20,366
No, it's over.

972
00:44:20,367 --> 00:44:23,243
I-- You know,
as I mentioned earlier

973
00:44:23,244 --> 00:44:24,870
I did some shows
in Europe and I only

974
00:44:24,871 --> 00:44:28,665
bring that up to
try and impress you.

975
00:44:28,666 --> 00:44:30,459
But I flew over.

976
00:44:30,460 --> 00:44:34,004
Really the only way to
get across the Atlantic.

977
00:44:34,005 --> 00:44:35,798
You rarely run into someone
who's like, "You know what?

978
00:44:35,799 --> 00:44:38,967
I paddle boarded.
It was a great arm workout."

979
00:44:38,968 --> 00:44:42,596
I flew over.
That transatlantic flight
wipes people out.

980
00:44:42,597 --> 00:44:44,306
People are a mess.

981
00:44:44,307 --> 00:44:46,892
They're like, "I need a day.
I need a day."

982
00:44:46,893 --> 00:44:49,103
The flight doesn't
sound that hard.

983
00:44:49,104 --> 00:44:50,562
It's like, "Oh, it was brutal.

984
00:44:50,563 --> 00:44:53,440
"I had to sit and
watch two movies.

985
00:44:53,441 --> 00:44:56,819
"I felt like I was
being water boarded.

986
00:44:56,820 --> 00:44:58,445
I need a day."

987
00:44:58,446 --> 00:45:02,032
I was flying back,
3,000 miles, seven hours.

988
00:45:02,033 --> 00:45:03,700
We landed.
The guy sitting next to me

989
00:45:03,701 --> 00:45:06,203
was like,
"That took too long."

990
00:45:06,204 --> 00:45:11,041
It used to take six weeks,

991
00:45:11,042 --> 00:45:13,168
on a boat,

992
00:45:13,169 --> 00:45:16,296
if you survived.

993
00:45:16,297 --> 00:45:17,965
That's how long it
took Columbus to get

994
00:45:17,966 --> 00:45:20,968
from Spain to the western
hemisphere, six weeks.

995
00:45:20,969 --> 00:45:22,928
But you know, once Columbus
got here he was like,

996
00:45:22,929 --> 00:45:26,807
"I need a day.
I am so boat-lagged.

997
00:45:26,808 --> 00:45:28,100
"Give me a day and
I'll get right down

998
00:45:28,101 --> 00:45:30,894
to murdering
and plundering."

999
00:45:30,895 --> 00:45:34,523
"Jim don't bring up Columbus,
you're too white."

1000
00:45:34,524 --> 00:45:36,692
But Columbus, that's part
of our history right?

1001
00:45:36,693 --> 00:45:38,152
Columbus ushered
in all these people

1002
00:45:38,153 --> 00:45:40,070
that came to the
western hemisphere,

1003
00:45:40,071 --> 00:45:41,905
and some of them
did bad things.

1004
00:45:41,906 --> 00:45:44,491
But humans have done bad
things throughout the world.

1005
00:45:44,492 --> 00:45:47,119
Like in Australia the way
some of the settlers

1006
00:45:47,120 --> 00:45:49,079
treated the aboriginals,
it was not nice.

1007
00:45:49,080 --> 00:45:51,206
It was not a g'day.

1008
00:45:51,207 --> 00:45:53,208
(audience laughs)

1009
00:45:53,209 --> 00:45:56,086
In fact it was a series
of bad days or bidet's.

1010
00:45:56,087 --> 00:45:58,088
(audience laughs)

1011
00:45:58,089 --> 00:46:00,757
In New Zealand,
the settlers shared

1012
00:46:00,758 --> 00:46:02,843
the land with the native
people, the Maori people,

1013
00:46:02,844 --> 00:46:05,053
a very noble
warrior-like people,

1014
00:46:05,054 --> 00:46:07,097
but the Maori weren't even the
first people in New Zealand.

1015
00:46:07,098 --> 00:46:09,349
The first people in New
Zealand were the Moriori

1016
00:46:09,350 --> 00:46:13,187
and then the Maori
came and ate them.

1017
00:46:13,188 --> 00:46:15,772
Not even makin' that up.

1018
00:46:15,773 --> 00:46:17,566
That's the most
intimidating thing

1019
00:46:17,567 --> 00:46:20,027
you could do to
your enemy, right?

1020
00:46:20,028 --> 00:46:21,612
Like, "Oh, you're
gonna kill me?"

1021
00:46:21,613 --> 00:46:23,864
"Yeah, and then I'm gonna
grab some mayonnaise."

1022
00:46:23,865 --> 00:46:26,033
(audience laughs)

1023
00:46:26,034 --> 00:46:28,827
"What are you gonna d-- Oh!"

1024
00:46:28,828 --> 00:46:32,164
Could you imagine those initial
English settlers in New Zealand?

1025
00:46:32,165 --> 00:46:34,541
'Cause the British
had conquered the world.

1026
00:46:34,542 --> 00:46:35,959
They had colonies
on every continent

1027
00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:37,586
so by the time they
got to New Zealand

1028
00:46:37,587 --> 00:46:39,046
they were like,
"We've done this before.

1029
00:46:39,047 --> 00:46:41,006
Let's meet with the
locals and take over."

1030
00:46:41,007 --> 00:46:42,966
So they met with the Maori
and they're like,

1031
00:46:42,967 --> 00:46:44,885
"So what happened to
these Moriori people,
did you kill them?"

1032
00:46:44,886 --> 00:46:47,012
And they're like,
"Yeah, and then we ate them."

1033
00:46:47,013 --> 00:46:48,805
The English were like,
"We were thinkin'

1034
00:46:48,806 --> 00:46:51,934
"we could share the islands.

1035
00:46:51,935 --> 00:46:54,686
"You wanna share?
You're not hungry now are you?

1036
00:46:54,687 --> 00:46:56,313
"You know what?
Get 'em some shepherds pie.

1037
00:46:56,314 --> 00:46:58,273
Tell 'em it's made
out of shepherds."

1038
00:46:58,274 --> 00:47:01,235
(audience laughs)

1039
00:47:01,236 --> 00:47:04,488
"Jim even makes
colonialism about eating."

1040
00:47:04,489 --> 00:47:05,865
(audience laughs)

1041
00:47:07,909 --> 00:47:09,535
They were cannibals.
By the way,

1042
00:47:09,536 --> 00:47:12,329
at one time, all human
civilizations were cannibal,

1043
00:47:12,330 --> 00:47:14,414
which means back then it
meant something different

1044
00:47:14,415 --> 00:47:17,417
when someone said,
"I'm craving Indian or Thai."

1045
00:47:17,418 --> 00:47:21,046
(audience laughs)

1046
00:47:21,047 --> 00:47:26,635
I can see how you
wanna be offended,
but there's no reason.

1047
00:47:26,636 --> 00:47:28,095
When I was in Europe,
I tried all

1048
00:47:28,096 --> 00:47:30,013
the local specialties,
you know?

1049
00:47:30,014 --> 00:47:31,848
Norway, I tried
reindeer meat.

1050
00:47:31,849 --> 00:47:34,476
I was in a Norwegian
butcher shop in January,

1051
00:47:34,477 --> 00:47:36,353
and they had a sale
on reindeer meat,

1052
00:47:36,354 --> 00:47:38,897
and nothing says
Christmas season is over,

1053
00:47:38,898 --> 00:47:41,817
(audience laughs)

1054
00:47:41,818 --> 00:47:44,861
quite like a sale
on reindeer meat.

1055
00:47:44,862 --> 00:47:48,365
It's gotta be a
tough day for Santa.

1056
00:47:48,366 --> 00:47:50,784
"I wanna thank all you reindeer
who helped this Christmas.

1057
00:47:50,785 --> 00:47:54,621
"Great job.
Now when I call your name,

1058
00:47:54,622 --> 00:47:56,873
come with me into
the smokehouse."

1059
00:47:56,874 --> 00:47:59,710
(audience laughs)

1060
00:47:59,711 --> 00:48:01,503
France, I ate so much cheese.

1061
00:48:01,504 --> 00:48:03,630
So much delicious
French cheese,

1062
00:48:03,631 --> 00:48:06,383
and I feel like I'm
still digesting it.

1063
00:48:06,384 --> 00:48:10,345
My delicate American body
couldn't handle
the French cheese.

1064
00:48:10,346 --> 00:48:12,431
And it's not like
I don't eat cheese.

1065
00:48:12,432 --> 00:48:15,809
Most of you are looking at me
like, "We think you eat cheese.

1066
00:48:15,810 --> 00:48:19,313
We think you might
only eat cheese."

1067
00:48:19,314 --> 00:48:22,065
But the French, they eat
cheese on a whole other level.

1068
00:48:22,066 --> 00:48:23,817
In France,
they make eating cheese

1069
00:48:23,818 --> 00:48:25,652
an official course
of the meal.

1070
00:48:25,653 --> 00:48:27,362
So you'll eat an appetizer,

1071
00:48:27,363 --> 00:48:29,489
then you'll eat an entree,
then for no reason at all

1072
00:48:29,490 --> 00:48:32,784
you eat a bunch of
chunks of cheese,

1073
00:48:32,785 --> 00:48:34,036
then you eat dessert.

1074
00:48:34,037 --> 00:48:37,080
After that,
you go to the hospital.

1075
00:48:37,081 --> 00:48:40,000
And of course, I've eaten
chunks of cheese before,

1076
00:48:40,001 --> 00:48:42,419
just not in public.

1077
00:48:42,420 --> 00:48:45,213
Or with pants on.

1078
00:48:45,214 --> 00:48:47,007
Eating chunks of cheese,

1079
00:48:47,008 --> 00:48:49,301
that's something I'm
usually caught doing.

1080
00:48:49,302 --> 00:48:50,927
My wife's like, "What
the hell are you doin'?"

1081
00:48:50,928 --> 00:48:54,097
"Nothing honey!"

1082
00:48:54,098 --> 00:48:56,892
I remember the first time
I had the cheese course,

1083
00:48:56,893 --> 00:48:58,977
I'd eaten an appetizer,
I'd eaten my entree

1084
00:48:58,978 --> 00:49:00,520
and I started eating
my cheese course,

1085
00:49:00,521 --> 00:49:04,524
and I heard my heart
say, "Are you mad at me?

1086
00:49:04,525 --> 00:49:07,110
Did I do something
to anger you?"

1087
00:49:07,111 --> 00:49:08,820
My brain took over.
"It's all right,
it's all right.

1088
00:49:08,821 --> 00:49:11,156
"There's gonna be
some sweating.

1089
00:49:11,157 --> 00:49:13,617
"Bowels, you can take
a couple weeks off.

1090
00:49:13,618 --> 00:49:15,285
Appendix, get ready to blow."

1091
00:49:15,286 --> 00:49:16,745
(audience laughs)

1092
00:49:16,746 --> 00:49:19,247
Tried so many delicious
French cheeses,

1093
00:49:19,248 --> 00:49:21,541
and I couldn't tell you
the name of one of them.

1094
00:49:21,542 --> 00:49:23,293
And they would
tell me the names.

1095
00:49:23,294 --> 00:49:25,837
They're like, "This is
(imitating French).

1096
00:49:25,838 --> 00:49:28,340
From the
(imitating French) region."

1097
00:49:28,341 --> 00:49:31,510
And I'd be like,
"So not cheddar?

1098
00:49:31,511 --> 00:49:32,928
"'Cause I tried cheddar.

1099
00:49:32,929 --> 00:49:35,806
"You guys get cheddar
over here yet?

1100
00:49:35,807 --> 00:49:38,600
I like me some cheddar."

1101
00:49:38,601 --> 00:49:41,395
Some of the French cheeses
I tried were goat cheese,

1102
00:49:41,396 --> 00:49:44,606
or as the goats
call it, cheese.

1103
00:49:44,607 --> 00:49:48,485
They're not caught up
in your cow cheese bias.

1104
00:49:48,486 --> 00:49:51,780
You know, when I see cheese
I don't even see an animal.

1105
00:49:51,781 --> 00:49:54,741
I just see something
my body can't process.

1106
00:49:54,742 --> 00:49:58,245
(audience laughs)

1107
00:49:58,246 --> 00:50:00,956
I like goat cheese. I'd never
looked at a goat and thought,

1108
00:50:00,957 --> 00:50:02,833
"I bet that would
make good cheese."

1109
00:50:02,834 --> 00:50:04,710
(audience laughs)

1110
00:50:04,711 --> 00:50:06,461
How do we even get to
the point of goat cheese?

1111
00:50:06,462 --> 00:50:08,755
Was someone like,
"This cow cheese is good,

1112
00:50:08,756 --> 00:50:11,758
but see that dog that
looks like it smokes meth?"

1113
00:50:11,759 --> 00:50:16,681
(audience cheering,
applauding)

1114
00:50:18,516 --> 00:50:20,892
"Can someone try and milk it?

1115
00:50:20,893 --> 00:50:21,977
"I got a hunch it
would make cheese

1116
00:50:21,978 --> 00:50:24,229
that would great with beets."

1117
00:50:24,230 --> 00:50:26,565
(audience laughs)

1118
00:50:26,566 --> 00:50:29,192
Those Europeans, they have
a different approach to dairy.

1119
00:50:29,193 --> 00:50:30,736
When they make a
sandwich in Europe

1120
00:50:30,737 --> 00:50:32,362
they put butter
on their bread,

1121
00:50:32,363 --> 00:50:34,239
they put butter on the bread,
and then mayonnaise.

1122
00:50:34,240 --> 00:50:36,032
Ugh.

1123
00:50:36,033 --> 00:50:39,077
That's like putting on
contacts and glasses.

1124
00:50:39,078 --> 00:50:41,288
(audience laughs)

1125
00:50:41,289 --> 00:50:42,622
Butter on the bread
of a sandwich?

1126
00:50:42,623 --> 00:50:44,291
That actually sounds
like something Americans

1127
00:50:44,292 --> 00:50:47,544
would do that Europeans
would criticize us for.

1128
00:50:47,545 --> 00:50:50,255
"Those American pigs,
when they make a sandwich,

1129
00:50:50,256 --> 00:50:52,507
"they put butter on the bread.

1130
00:50:52,508 --> 00:50:55,302
No wonder they fat pig."

1131
00:50:55,303 --> 00:50:57,971
That's a good impression
of absolutely every European.

1132
00:50:57,972 --> 00:51:02,058
(audience laughs)

1133
00:51:02,059 --> 00:51:03,435
I did love doing
shows over there.

1134
00:51:03,436 --> 00:51:05,479
You never knew what
was gonna work.

1135
00:51:05,480 --> 00:51:06,980
Sometimes there's
a language barrier.

1136
00:51:06,981 --> 00:51:08,774
There's different references.

1137
00:51:08,775 --> 00:51:10,233
There's famous people
in other countries

1138
00:51:10,234 --> 00:51:11,651
we've never heard of.

1139
00:51:11,652 --> 00:51:13,653
I was doing this show
in Ireland before.

1140
00:51:13,654 --> 00:51:15,280
I was doing the sound check
before the show,

1141
00:51:15,281 --> 00:51:16,573
and the sound guy was like,

1142
00:51:16,574 --> 00:51:18,909
"Do you have any
special requests?"

1143
00:51:18,910 --> 00:51:20,994
And I jokingly said, "Well,
I'll probably close my show

1144
00:51:20,995 --> 00:51:23,163
by singing Raglan Road,"

1145
00:51:23,164 --> 00:51:24,498
which is a famous
Irish folk song

1146
00:51:24,499 --> 00:51:26,583
based on a famous Irish poem

1147
00:51:26,584 --> 00:51:30,378
and the sound guy was like,
"Ooh, I don't recommend that."

1148
00:51:30,379 --> 00:51:32,839
And I was like,
"Well, I was kidding but why?"

1149
00:51:32,840 --> 00:51:35,258
And he goes, "Well recently
Billy Joelle did that."

1150
00:51:35,259 --> 00:51:37,511
And I was like,
"Who's Billy Joelle?"

1151
00:51:37,512 --> 00:51:39,513
(audience laughs)

1152
00:51:39,514 --> 00:51:42,933
And he goes, "You don't
know who Billy Joelle is?"

1153
00:51:42,934 --> 00:51:45,519
I was like, "I'm from
another country,

1154
00:51:45,520 --> 00:51:46,520
"I don't know
who's famous here.

1155
00:51:46,521 --> 00:51:47,979
"What is it,
Superman's dad?

1156
00:51:47,980 --> 00:51:50,023
I don't know."

1157
00:51:50,024 --> 00:51:53,235
He goes, "Billy Joelle
is from America.

1158
00:51:53,236 --> 00:51:55,320
And I was like,
"Oh my gosh, there's
an American who's famous

1159
00:51:55,321 --> 00:51:59,032
in Ireland that
I've never heard of."

1160
00:51:59,033 --> 00:52:03,537
He goes, "Billy Joelle,
Piano Man. Uptown Girl."

1161
00:52:03,538 --> 00:52:05,580
I was like,
"Oh, you mean Billy Joel."

1162
00:52:05,581 --> 00:52:07,499
(audience laughs)

1163
00:52:07,500 --> 00:52:10,126
He goes,
"No, it's Billy Joelle."

1164
00:52:10,127 --> 00:52:13,088
For a second I thought,
"Maybe he's right."

1165
00:52:13,089 --> 00:52:15,341
(audience laughs)

1166
00:52:17,009 --> 00:52:19,511
This wouldn't be the
first time I discovered

1167
00:52:19,512 --> 00:52:23,598
I mispronounced someone's
name for my entire life.

1168
00:52:23,599 --> 00:52:25,392
In my mind I started
going through

1169
00:52:25,393 --> 00:52:27,143
every conversation
I had on Billy Joel.

1170
00:52:27,144 --> 00:52:30,021
I'm like, "Did anybody
else say Billy Joelle?

1171
00:52:30,022 --> 00:52:34,317
When I said Billy Joel,
did anyone look at me strange?"

1172
00:52:34,318 --> 00:52:36,528
Then I remember, you know
who pronounces it Billy Joel?

1173
00:52:36,529 --> 00:52:38,822
Billy Joel.

1174
00:52:38,823 --> 00:52:41,199
And at that point
the opening act had come in,

1175
00:52:41,200 --> 00:52:43,076
and he was also from Ireland,
and I said,

1176
00:52:43,077 --> 00:52:45,161
"Hey, this sound guys
calls Billy Joel Billy Joelle.

1177
00:52:45,162 --> 00:52:49,082
And the Irish comic
goes, "It is Billy Joelle."

1178
00:52:49,083 --> 00:52:52,502
I was like, "Is everyone
crazy in this country?

1179
00:52:52,503 --> 00:52:54,629
What, there's no one
in Ireland named Joel?"

1180
00:52:54,630 --> 00:52:57,799
And he goes, "Yeah,
we call them Joelle."

1181
00:52:57,800 --> 00:52:59,801
I was like, "Well then,
what would you call someone

1182
00:52:59,802 --> 00:53:01,595
who's actually named Joelle?"

1183
00:53:01,596 --> 00:53:05,599
He goes, "You mean
like Billy Joelle?"

1184
00:53:05,600 --> 00:53:09,060
Stop it.

1185
00:53:09,061 --> 00:53:10,395
No.

1186
00:53:10,396 --> 00:53:12,022
I loved Ireland.

1187
00:53:12,023 --> 00:53:13,356
I spent two weeks there.

1188
00:53:13,357 --> 00:53:15,191
One of the weeks,
I was in Donegal,

1189
00:53:15,192 --> 00:53:17,903
which is a county in
the northwestern part of
the Republic,

1190
00:53:17,904 --> 00:53:19,654
and I had noticed something.

1191
00:53:19,655 --> 00:53:21,907
Everyone in Donegal
has a washer and dryer,

1192
00:53:21,908 --> 00:53:24,242
but nobody uses their dryer.

1193
00:53:24,243 --> 00:53:26,536
They're like,
"That won't be necessary.

1194
00:53:26,537 --> 00:53:29,247
We'll just
hang that out to dry."

1195
00:53:29,248 --> 00:53:31,082
And I was kinda skeptical,
but I was staying with friends,

1196
00:53:31,083 --> 00:53:32,709
and they offered
to do my laundry,

1197
00:53:32,710 --> 00:53:34,169
so they took my clothes
and they washed it,

1198
00:53:34,170 --> 00:53:35,962
and they hung it out to dry,

1199
00:53:35,963 --> 00:53:38,757
and I was kind of impressed
'cause after only three days...

1200
00:53:38,758 --> 00:53:41,384
(audience laughs)

1201
00:53:41,385 --> 00:53:43,011
my clothes were still wet.

1202
00:53:43,012 --> 00:53:45,305
(audience laughs)

1203
00:53:45,306 --> 00:53:46,640
'Cause what they've
yet to realize

1204
00:53:46,641 --> 00:53:49,517
is it rains every
day in Donegal.

1205
00:53:49,518 --> 00:53:52,479
It's like living in a shower.

1206
00:53:52,480 --> 00:53:54,898
But my friend, she was so
proud of the line drying,

1207
00:53:54,899 --> 00:53:56,775
she goes,
"Isn't that just better?

1208
00:53:56,776 --> 00:53:59,069
Doesn't that smell glorious?"

1209
00:53:59,070 --> 00:54:02,781
Meanwhile I'm holding
a wet tee shirt.

1210
00:54:02,782 --> 00:54:04,240
"Yeah, this is great.

1211
00:54:04,241 --> 00:54:08,620
I can just pretend
I got off a log ride."

1212
00:54:08,621 --> 00:54:11,414
"There's nothing better than
waking up on a cold morning

1213
00:54:11,415 --> 00:54:14,125
and putting on a wet
Billy Joelle tee shirt."

1214
00:54:14,126 --> 00:54:16,169
(audience laughs)

1215
00:54:16,170 --> 00:54:20,424
(audience cheering,
applauding)

1216
00:54:24,095 --> 00:54:25,720
My kids were with
me in Amsterdam.

1217
00:54:25,721 --> 00:54:27,347
I brought my kids to
the Anne Frank house.

1218
00:54:27,348 --> 00:54:29,307
I told some friends that
and they were like,

1219
00:54:29,308 --> 00:54:31,518
"Aren't your kids
a little young for
the Anne Frank house?"

1220
00:54:31,519 --> 00:54:35,188
And you know what I learned?
They are. They're too young.

1221
00:54:35,189 --> 00:54:36,856
But I wanted to
bring them, you know?

1222
00:54:36,857 --> 00:54:38,733
It's an important place
I want them to learn.

1223
00:54:38,734 --> 00:54:40,819
So I brought them.
We were standing outside
the Anne Frank house,

1224
00:54:40,820 --> 00:54:43,488
and I said, "This is a
special somber place.

1225
00:54:43,489 --> 00:54:46,157
"This is where Anne Frank,
her family and some friends

1226
00:54:46,158 --> 00:54:47,993
"hid from the Nazis
for two years,

1227
00:54:47,994 --> 00:54:49,536
"and they couldn't
speak during the day,

1228
00:54:49,537 --> 00:54:51,329
"and Anne also
wrote this diary.

1229
00:54:51,330 --> 00:54:52,455
So let's be respectful."

1230
00:54:52,456 --> 00:54:53,957
My six year old
raises his hand

1231
00:54:53,958 --> 00:54:56,376
and he goes, "Do they
have video games here?"

1232
00:54:56,377 --> 00:54:57,877
(audience laughs)

1233
00:54:57,878 --> 00:55:01,423
And I said, "I'm gonna
need you to be quiet,

1234
00:55:01,424 --> 00:55:03,383
for the rest of your life."

1235
00:55:03,384 --> 00:55:05,176
(audience laughs)

1236
00:55:05,177 --> 00:55:07,178
I bought tickets online
to the Anne Frank house.

1237
00:55:07,179 --> 00:55:08,972
I Googled it.

1238
00:55:08,973 --> 00:55:11,016
The Anne Frank house
has a Google rating

1239
00:55:11,017 --> 00:55:14,853
of 4.4 out of five stars.

1240
00:55:14,854 --> 00:55:19,482
Who's giving the Anne
Frank house a bad review?

1241
00:55:19,483 --> 00:55:21,776
(audience laughs)

1242
00:55:21,777 --> 00:55:24,529
It's like, "Yeah,
it wasn't that fun.

1243
00:55:24,530 --> 00:55:27,449
It was kind of crowded,
and there were no video games."

1244
00:55:27,450 --> 00:55:29,409
(audience laughs)

1245
00:55:29,410 --> 00:55:32,704
Why do we feel the need
to review everything?

1246
00:55:32,705 --> 00:55:36,541
Nobody's going to Anne Frank's
house looking for hot dogs.

1247
00:55:36,542 --> 00:55:41,129
"Well, I misread it. I thought
it was Anne's Frank house.

1248
00:55:41,130 --> 00:55:44,424
I was gettin' ready to
have me an Amsterdam dog."

1249
00:55:44,425 --> 00:55:46,176
(audience laughs)

1250
00:55:46,177 --> 00:55:47,719
When I travel with my kids,

1251
00:55:47,720 --> 00:55:50,305
we always try to do one
educational thing a day.

1252
00:55:50,306 --> 00:55:53,475
It usually involves going to
a museum, and museums are great,

1253
00:55:53,476 --> 00:55:55,810
they're important, but
they're also exhausting, right?

1254
00:55:55,811 --> 00:55:58,104
Acting like you're
interested in that crap.

1255
00:55:58,105 --> 00:56:00,398
(audience laughs)

1256
00:56:00,399 --> 00:56:03,735
There's so much pressure
to be impressed in a museum.

1257
00:56:03,736 --> 00:56:05,653
It's like "Ooh,
look at that kids.

1258
00:56:05,654 --> 00:56:08,114
"Wow, that's a, well
that's a water fountain.

1259
00:56:08,115 --> 00:56:10,784
What do we got over here?"

1260
00:56:10,785 --> 00:56:12,869
And I've been to all
kinds of museums.

1261
00:56:12,870 --> 00:56:14,871
I've been to
children's museums,

1262
00:56:14,872 --> 00:56:17,415
which are really just
museums of diseases

1263
00:56:17,416 --> 00:56:20,543
your kids can get from
other peoples kids.

1264
00:56:20,544 --> 00:56:22,087
It's like, "Why don't
you go over there

1265
00:56:22,088 --> 00:56:25,215
and see if we get
the chicken pox."

1266
00:56:25,216 --> 00:56:28,468
In Stockholm, I brought
my kids to a ship museum,

1267
00:56:28,469 --> 00:56:32,597
the Vasa Museum.
It was a ship museum,
but it only had one ship,

1268
00:56:32,598 --> 00:56:35,683
so it felt more
like a ship garage.

1269
00:56:35,684 --> 00:56:37,936
But that one ship,
the Vasa ship,

1270
00:56:37,937 --> 00:56:42,190
sunk on its maiden voyage
in Stockholm's harbor
in the 1700's,

1271
00:56:42,191 --> 00:56:45,360
which is not good,
but that's the largest
attraction in Sweden.

1272
00:56:45,361 --> 00:56:47,278
Most countries,
their big attraction

1273
00:56:47,279 --> 00:56:49,948
is a design marvel like
the Sydney Opera House

1274
00:56:49,949 --> 00:56:52,200
or the Eiffel Tower,
but Sweden was like,

1275
00:56:52,201 --> 00:56:54,452
"Here's our boat
that didn't float."

1276
00:56:54,453 --> 00:56:57,288
(audience laughs)

1277
00:56:57,289 --> 00:56:59,290
"This is why
we make furniture."

1278
00:56:59,291 --> 00:57:02,794
(audience laughs)

1279
00:57:02,795 --> 00:57:04,963
"That, ironically, floats."

1280
00:57:04,964 --> 00:57:07,632
(audience laughs)

1281
00:57:07,633 --> 00:57:09,884
Often the museums
are art museums.

1282
00:57:09,885 --> 00:57:12,053
Those are the most
intimidating, right?

1283
00:57:12,054 --> 00:57:15,181
'Cause in art museums, they
tell us what is the good art.

1284
00:57:15,182 --> 00:57:17,600
We have no say in the matter.
"That's good art."

1285
00:57:17,601 --> 00:57:22,438
"Oh, okay.
I'll take your word for it."

1286
00:57:22,439 --> 00:57:24,357
They treat everyone like
a child in an art museum.

1287
00:57:24,358 --> 00:57:25,441
They're like,
"Don't touch anything.

1288
00:57:25,442 --> 00:57:26,818
Nobody touch anything."

1289
00:57:26,819 --> 00:57:29,612
I wasn't gonna.

1290
00:57:29,613 --> 00:57:30,780
Now I kinda want to.

1291
00:57:30,781 --> 00:57:32,740
(audience laughs)

1292
00:57:32,741 --> 00:57:34,033
Everyone's speaking
in hushed tones.

1293
00:57:34,034 --> 00:57:35,410
"Be respectful.

1294
00:57:35,411 --> 00:57:38,663
"We're about to look at
the work of a mad man.

1295
00:57:38,664 --> 00:57:42,083
He painted this after he
chopped off his own ear."

1296
00:57:42,084 --> 00:57:45,503
"Why are we whispering?
Van Gogh's dead.

1297
00:57:45,504 --> 00:57:48,006
Even if he was alive,
he couldn't hear us."

1298
00:57:48,007 --> 00:57:50,383
(audience laughs)

1299
00:57:50,384 --> 00:57:52,135
Recently after a show,
someone came up to me.

1300
00:57:52,136 --> 00:57:54,095
They're like you know,
it's not pronounced Van Gogh,

1301
00:57:54,096 --> 00:57:56,139
it's pronounced
Billy Joelle.

1302
00:57:56,140 --> 00:57:58,349
(audience laughs)

1303
00:57:58,350 --> 00:58:02,646
(audience cheering,
applauding)

1304
00:58:05,107 --> 00:58:07,734
I do find it hard
to leave art museums,

1305
00:58:07,735 --> 00:58:10,278
mainly 'cause I
can't find the exit.

1306
00:58:10,279 --> 00:58:12,030
Great, another room filled

1307
00:58:12,031 --> 00:58:14,908
with paintings of
ugly Dutch people.

1308
00:58:14,909 --> 00:58:19,621
In the 1600's they painted
every ugly Dutch person.

1309
00:58:19,622 --> 00:58:21,873
"Hey, you're hard to look at.
Can I do your portrait?"

1310
00:58:21,874 --> 00:58:25,251
(audience laughs)

1311
00:58:25,252 --> 00:58:26,961
"Makin' that hay
look good aren't ya?"

1312
00:58:26,962 --> 00:58:28,880
(audience laughs)

1313
00:58:28,881 --> 00:58:32,258
Fine art, sometimes I feel
like it's wasted on me.

1314
00:58:32,259 --> 00:58:33,384
You know like the Mona Lisa?

1315
00:58:33,385 --> 00:58:35,053
We've all seen the Mona Lisa.

1316
00:58:35,054 --> 00:58:37,805
The most beautiful
smile in the world.

1317
00:58:37,806 --> 00:58:39,390
The most beautiful smile.

1318
00:58:39,391 --> 00:58:41,309
I'm like, "Have you
seen Halle Berry?"

1319
00:58:41,310 --> 00:58:42,894
(audience laughs)

1320
00:58:42,895 --> 00:58:44,395
Heck, have you
seen Chuck Berry?

1321
00:58:44,396 --> 00:58:45,688
(audience laughs)

1322
00:58:45,689 --> 00:58:48,399
I don't even know
if Mona Lisa's smiling.

1323
00:58:48,400 --> 00:58:50,735
To me it looks like she's,
just came from the dentist.

1324
00:58:50,736 --> 00:58:51,736
She's like, "Mmm."

1325
00:58:51,737 --> 00:58:53,905
(audience laughs)

1326
00:58:53,906 --> 00:58:57,033
"Novocain's wearin' off."

1327
00:58:57,034 --> 00:58:59,619
Art museums will
occasionally ask

1328
00:58:59,620 --> 00:59:01,246
if you'd like to
become a member.

1329
00:59:01,247 --> 00:59:02,872
"Would you like to
become a member?"

1330
00:59:02,873 --> 00:59:07,293
"Uh, how, how often would
I have to come here?"

1331
00:59:07,294 --> 00:59:10,004
(audience laughs)

1332
00:59:10,005 --> 00:59:15,593
I think I can only pretend
to be interested once.

1333
00:59:15,594 --> 00:59:18,054
There's always people
sketching in an art museum.

1334
00:59:18,055 --> 00:59:19,347
I always point them
out to security.

1335
00:59:19,348 --> 00:59:21,641
I'm like, "Copying."

1336
00:59:21,642 --> 00:59:26,479
Got a forgery
happening mid forge.

1337
00:59:26,480 --> 00:59:30,358
Those art museum security guards
you know, they're important.

1338
00:59:30,359 --> 00:59:33,278
Some of that art is priceless.
Some of it's on loan.

1339
00:59:33,279 --> 00:59:34,279
You see that next to a painting.

1340
00:59:34,280 --> 00:59:37,532
On loan from a rich person.

1341
00:59:37,533 --> 00:59:41,536
"The poor people
may look at my art.

1342
00:59:41,537 --> 00:59:44,747
But don't let them get their
peasant fingers on it."

1343
00:59:44,748 --> 00:59:47,542
(audience laughs)

1344
00:59:47,543 --> 00:59:49,377
Some of that art is priceless.

1345
00:59:49,378 --> 00:59:54,173
Recently, a Da Vinci painting
sold for $450 million.

1346
00:59:54,174 --> 00:59:58,261
400-- What room do you
put that in your house?

1347
00:59:58,262 --> 01:00:00,888
"I put that in the game room."

1348
01:00:00,889 --> 01:00:03,016
It was a Da Vinci
painting, Salvator Mundi.

1349
01:00:03,017 --> 01:00:04,976
It was a painting of Jesus,

1350
01:00:04,977 --> 01:00:07,979
but it's not like Da Vinci even
knew what Jesus looked like.

1351
01:00:07,980 --> 01:00:11,024
He painted it 1500 years
after Jesus walked the earth.

1352
01:00:11,025 --> 01:00:12,817
So he was just guessing.
He's like, "I don't know.

1353
01:00:12,818 --> 01:00:14,736
He's got brown eyes probably?
I don't know."

1354
01:00:14,737 --> 01:00:16,029
(audience laughs)

1355
01:00:16,030 --> 01:00:20,158
He probably just
painted someone he knew.

1356
01:00:20,159 --> 01:00:21,868
You know back in
the day they're like,

1357
01:00:21,869 --> 01:00:24,078
people are like, "What,
is that your nephew Eddie?"

1358
01:00:24,079 --> 01:00:26,748
Da Vinci's like,
"No, that's Jesus.

1359
01:00:26,749 --> 01:00:28,416
(audience laughs)

1360
01:00:28,417 --> 01:00:30,918
The savior of the world."

1361
01:00:30,919 --> 01:00:32,545
(audience laughs)

1362
01:00:32,546 --> 01:00:36,966
"Eddie is wearing
the same outfit as him."

1363
01:00:36,967 --> 01:00:38,509
"That's a coincidence."

1364
01:00:38,510 --> 01:00:41,263
(audience laughs)

1365
01:00:42,723 --> 01:00:44,807
So many paintings
of Jesus right?

1366
01:00:44,808 --> 01:00:48,186
But there's really two
types of paintings of Jesus.

1367
01:00:48,187 --> 01:00:51,898
There's Jesus as an adult,
or Jesus as a baby.

1368
01:00:51,899 --> 01:00:54,817
There's no teenage Jesus.

1369
01:00:54,818 --> 01:00:58,988
There's no acne Jesus,

1370
01:00:58,989 --> 01:01:01,115
with the beginning
of a mustache.

1371
01:01:01,116 --> 01:01:02,950
(audience laughs)

1372
01:01:02,951 --> 01:01:06,329
"Jim, you're going
to Hell for that."

1373
01:01:06,330 --> 01:01:10,166
And you sound
so dumb right now.

1374
01:01:10,167 --> 01:01:12,710
That is my worst fear is to
come across like an idiot,

1375
01:01:12,711 --> 01:01:14,504
and you guys are like,
"You should be terrified then."

1376
01:01:14,505 --> 01:01:16,422
(audience laughs)

1377
01:01:16,423 --> 01:01:18,716
I mostly get nervous
when I'm talking to
really smart people.

1378
01:01:18,717 --> 01:01:20,301
You ever been
talking to someone,

1379
01:01:20,302 --> 01:01:24,180
and you hear yourself
not make sense?

1380
01:01:24,181 --> 01:01:27,850
But instead of stopping,
you just keep talkin'?

1381
01:01:27,851 --> 01:01:32,021
"You know what? I'll pull it
together at the end.

1382
01:01:32,022 --> 01:01:35,650
Oops, that might
not have been a word."

1383
01:01:35,651 --> 01:01:38,403
That's usually the moment
where I make eye contact
with my wife.

1384
01:01:38,404 --> 01:01:40,780
She's like, "What the hell
are you doing?"

1385
01:01:40,781 --> 01:01:44,242
"I'm trying to
make you look good."

1386
01:01:44,243 --> 01:01:46,285
Here's how dumb I am.

1387
01:01:46,286 --> 01:01:48,413
When someone's criticized
on social media

1388
01:01:48,414 --> 01:01:51,416
for being stupid,
I get nervous.

1389
01:01:51,417 --> 01:01:55,086
Like, "Oh, they're comin'
for all us dummies.

1390
01:01:55,087 --> 01:01:59,298
Probably gonna start with a
spellin' test or somethin'."

1391
01:01:59,299 --> 01:02:01,676
(Jim chuckles)

1392
01:02:01,677 --> 01:02:04,429
The kids aren't with me,
but if we're really quiet

1393
01:02:04,430 --> 01:02:06,264
we can hear them screaming
in New York City.

1394
01:02:06,265 --> 01:02:07,932
(audience laughs)

1395
01:02:07,933 --> 01:02:09,767
When I travel
without my children,

1396
01:02:09,768 --> 01:02:11,310
in between those
moments of guilt,

1397
01:02:11,311 --> 01:02:13,688
are just hours of happiness.

1398
01:02:13,689 --> 01:02:15,523
(audience laughs)

1399
01:02:15,524 --> 01:02:18,652
(audience cheering,
applauding)

1400
01:02:20,821 --> 01:02:22,780
I mean, I love my kids.

1401
01:02:22,781 --> 01:02:24,907
I just love them more
when I'm not with them.

1402
01:02:24,908 --> 01:02:26,993
(audience laughs)

1403
01:02:26,994 --> 01:02:29,370
And when I travel without
my kids, I do nothing.

1404
01:02:29,371 --> 01:02:31,122
I'm so productive when
I travel with them.

1405
01:02:31,123 --> 01:02:33,166
When they're not here,
I do nothing,

1406
01:02:33,167 --> 01:02:35,084
and then I'll do nothing
all day and then

1407
01:02:35,085 --> 01:02:37,003
I'll call home
and my saintly wife

1408
01:02:37,004 --> 01:02:38,796
will just pick up the phone,

1409
01:02:38,797 --> 01:02:41,132
and there'll be chaos
in the background.

1410
01:02:41,133 --> 01:02:42,508
And she'll be like,
"What'd you do today?"

1411
01:02:42,509 --> 01:02:44,552
And I'll be like,
"What'd I do?

1412
01:02:44,553 --> 01:02:47,805
"Well, I got up.

1413
01:02:47,806 --> 01:02:50,141
Did that a couple times."

1414
01:02:50,142 --> 01:02:51,809
(audience laughs)

1415
01:02:51,810 --> 01:02:55,396
"Enough about me.
What about you?"

1416
01:02:55,397 --> 01:02:57,064
And she'll put my
kids on the phone.

1417
01:02:57,065 --> 01:02:58,357
They'll be like,
"Third grade's hard,"

1418
01:02:58,358 --> 01:03:01,652
and I'll be like,
"It gets so much worse."

1419
01:03:01,653 --> 01:03:03,279
School is hard you know?

1420
01:03:03,280 --> 01:03:05,072
I try and be supportive
in the morning.

1421
01:03:05,073 --> 01:03:07,283
I'll be like, "Look,
I know you don't wanna go,

1422
01:03:07,284 --> 01:03:11,871
"but just remember, I never
have to go to school again.

1423
01:03:11,872 --> 01:03:14,081
Anyway, off you go.
I'm gonna nap."

1424
01:03:14,082 --> 01:03:15,584
(audience laughs)

1425
01:03:18,253 --> 01:03:19,754
I don't know.
I wouldn't wanna be a kid.

1426
01:03:19,755 --> 01:03:20,963
I like the age I am.

1427
01:03:20,964 --> 01:03:22,215
I wouldn't
wanna be a teenager.

1428
01:03:22,216 --> 01:03:23,508
I wouldn't wanna be
in my 20's.

1429
01:03:23,509 --> 01:03:25,510
I like being 30 years old.

1430
01:03:25,511 --> 01:03:29,639
(audience laughs)

1431
01:03:29,640 --> 01:03:32,767
I try and schedule tours
around school breaks, you know?

1432
01:03:32,768 --> 01:03:35,770
Like at Christmas one year,
I did a bunch of shows
in Florida,

1433
01:03:35,771 --> 01:03:37,355
and my wife
and kids came down.

1434
01:03:37,356 --> 01:03:38,856
My wife's family
also came down

1435
01:03:38,857 --> 01:03:41,067
'cause they didn't want
us to have a good time.

1436
01:03:41,068 --> 01:03:43,861
(audience laughs)

1437
01:03:43,862 --> 01:03:46,489
I'm kidding.
I love my wife's family.

1438
01:03:46,490 --> 01:03:49,867
Did that sound believable?

1439
01:03:49,868 --> 01:03:50,993
I do love them.

1440
01:03:50,994 --> 01:03:52,453
They're my in-laws.

1441
01:03:52,454 --> 01:03:54,413
That's a strange term,
in-laws.

1442
01:03:54,414 --> 01:03:58,209
"Are you related?"
"Uh, legally.

1443
01:03:58,210 --> 01:04:01,462
In a court of law."

1444
01:04:01,463 --> 01:04:03,589
In-law, it's like the
opposite of being in love.

1445
01:04:03,590 --> 01:04:05,758
We're in law.

1446
01:04:05,759 --> 01:04:08,553
We law each other.

1447
01:04:08,554 --> 01:04:10,888
Very much.

1448
01:04:10,889 --> 01:04:12,890
In-laws are like
family you're assigned.

1449
01:04:12,891 --> 01:04:14,392
It's like, "You wanna spend
your life with that person?

1450
01:04:14,393 --> 01:04:17,353
You gotta take
those 10 people."

1451
01:04:17,354 --> 01:04:20,147
"All of them?"

1452
01:04:20,148 --> 01:04:24,360
My only issue with my in-laws
is there's too many of them.

1453
01:04:24,361 --> 01:04:25,945
My wife is
one of nine children,

1454
01:04:25,946 --> 01:04:28,823
so every holiday all
nine of the siblings

1455
01:04:28,824 --> 01:04:31,033
and their individual
families all

1456
01:04:31,034 --> 01:04:34,870
get together and spend
every moment together.

1457
01:04:34,871 --> 01:04:39,542
Over Christmas, I went to
a movie with 30 people.

1458
01:04:39,543 --> 01:04:42,336
I didn't even know
that was legal.

1459
01:04:42,337 --> 01:04:43,754
We were walkin' around,

1460
01:04:43,755 --> 01:04:47,383
people thought we
were from a church.

1461
01:04:47,384 --> 01:04:51,304
To put it in perspective Jesus
only walked around with 12.

1462
01:04:51,305 --> 01:04:53,598
(audience laughs)

1463
01:04:53,599 --> 01:04:56,058
I learned very
quickly I don't wanna

1464
01:04:56,059 --> 01:04:59,061
do anything with 30 people.

1465
01:04:59,062 --> 01:05:01,147
If I was on the Titanic
and the last rescue boat

1466
01:05:01,148 --> 01:05:04,525
was filled with 30 people,
I'd be like, "You guys go ahead.

1467
01:05:04,526 --> 01:05:06,360
"I don't want to be
there when you try

1468
01:05:06,361 --> 01:05:07,778
and decide
where to eat lunch."

1469
01:05:07,779 --> 01:05:10,197
(audience laughs)

1470
01:05:10,198 --> 01:05:12,533
Oh, but it was more
then 30 people,

1471
01:05:12,534 --> 01:05:15,745
'cause sometimes those
30 people will invite
other people.

1472
01:05:15,746 --> 01:05:17,622
So you'll have
conversations and someone

1473
01:05:17,623 --> 01:05:20,374
will be like, "I'm your
wife's uncles best friend."

1474
01:05:20,375 --> 01:05:23,210
Oh, there's a term for that.
Stranger.

1475
01:05:23,211 --> 01:05:25,588
(audience laughs)

1476
01:05:25,589 --> 01:05:27,048
You're a total stranger.

1477
01:05:27,049 --> 01:05:30,551
(audience cheering,
applauding)

1478
01:05:30,552 --> 01:05:32,303
I do love my wife's parents.

1479
01:05:32,304 --> 01:05:33,929
Their names are
Louise and Dominic

1480
01:05:33,930 --> 01:05:35,640
so I call them Louise and Dom.

1481
01:05:35,641 --> 01:05:37,725
My wife's siblings, some
of them have gotten married

1482
01:05:37,726 --> 01:05:39,894
and their spouses,
some of their spouses

1483
01:05:39,895 --> 01:05:45,358
call Louise and Dom
Mom and Dad 'cause
they're weirdos.

1484
01:05:45,359 --> 01:05:46,692
No, I understand.

1485
01:05:46,693 --> 01:05:47,985
Sometimes you
marry into a family

1486
01:05:47,986 --> 01:05:49,695
and become so close
to the parents

1487
01:05:49,696 --> 01:05:52,573
that you wanna call them
Mom and Dad, but don't.

1488
01:05:52,574 --> 01:05:54,867
(audience laughs)

1489
01:05:54,868 --> 01:05:59,080
It's weird and confusing
for the rest of us.

1490
01:05:59,081 --> 01:06:01,832
Wait, that's his mom?

1491
01:06:01,833 --> 01:06:03,084
He married his sister?

1492
01:06:03,085 --> 01:06:05,628
(audience laughs)

1493
01:06:05,629 --> 01:06:07,797
What state is he from?

1494
01:06:07,798 --> 01:06:09,800
(audience laughs)

1495
01:06:12,094 --> 01:06:14,220
This is, by the way
this is all prosthetic.

1496
01:06:14,221 --> 01:06:16,138
(audience laughs)

1497
01:06:16,139 --> 01:06:17,473
After the show it comes off.

1498
01:06:17,474 --> 01:06:19,600
I just air it out
and it's like,

1499
01:06:19,601 --> 01:06:23,521
I feel so free when I get
it off, you know what I mean?

1500
01:06:23,522 --> 01:06:26,524
It's getting harder and harder
to motivate to exercise.

1501
01:06:26,525 --> 01:06:29,610
In your 20's, you're like,
"I wanna be with someone
physically fit,

1502
01:06:29,611 --> 01:06:31,112
so I'll be physically fit,"
and in your 30's,

1503
01:06:31,113 --> 01:06:33,406
you're like,
"I wanna fight off aging,"

1504
01:06:33,407 --> 01:06:35,366
and in your 40's
you're like, "It's over."

1505
01:06:35,367 --> 01:06:37,868
(audience laughs)

1506
01:06:37,869 --> 01:06:39,745
And now I'm at the
point where I look

1507
01:06:39,746 --> 01:06:43,874
at morbidly obese people and
I'm like, "They seem happy."

1508
01:06:43,875 --> 01:06:47,712
That's one way to live a life.

1509
01:06:47,713 --> 01:06:50,339
I used to exercise
to lose weight.

1510
01:06:50,340 --> 01:06:55,136
Now I exercise so I can
continue to fit in cars.

1511
01:06:55,137 --> 01:06:57,471
It's still a fitness goal.

1512
01:06:57,472 --> 01:07:00,433
(audience laughs)

1513
01:07:00,434 --> 01:07:03,394
I've been in better
shape in my life.

1514
01:07:03,395 --> 01:07:05,146
I go in and out.
It's been awhile.

1515
01:07:05,147 --> 01:07:06,814
Not last year but
the year before

1516
01:07:06,815 --> 01:07:08,607
my big accomplishment is

1517
01:07:08,608 --> 01:07:10,484
I ran the
New York City Marathon.

1518
01:07:10,485 --> 01:07:12,528
- (audience applauds)
- Thank you.

1519
01:07:12,529 --> 01:07:14,739
Thank you.
Thank you.

1520
01:07:14,740 --> 01:07:18,075
Half of you are,
like, "No, you didn't."

1521
01:07:18,076 --> 01:07:20,494
I did, you bastards,
all right?

1522
01:07:20,495 --> 01:07:23,748
I ran and completed.
All right, fine, I didn't.

1523
01:07:23,749 --> 01:07:25,833
(audience laughs)

1524
01:07:25,834 --> 01:07:28,419
But I thought about it.

1525
01:07:28,420 --> 01:07:31,672
Which I guess is technically
different then running it.

1526
01:07:31,673 --> 01:07:33,549
It turns out I couldn't run

1527
01:07:33,550 --> 01:07:37,678
the New York City Marathon
'cause I didn't want to.

1528
01:07:37,679 --> 01:07:40,347
Which is the main reason
I don't do a lotta things.

1529
01:07:40,348 --> 01:07:42,433
I just rarely admit it.

1530
01:07:42,434 --> 01:07:44,518
It's like, "Hey, Jim,
why didn't you come
to my birthday party?"

1531
01:07:44,519 --> 01:07:47,438
"I didn't want to."

1532
01:07:47,439 --> 01:07:49,940
We never really reply
to invitations that way.

1533
01:07:49,941 --> 01:07:53,861
"Don't wanna go.

1534
01:07:53,862 --> 01:07:56,697
Completely available,
just not interested."

1535
01:07:56,698 --> 01:07:59,575
(audience laughs)

1536
01:07:59,576 --> 01:08:02,203
"Really wish I wasn't there,
so I won't be."

1537
01:08:02,204 --> 01:08:04,413
(audience laughs)

1538
01:08:04,414 --> 01:08:06,874
I know people who have run
the New York City Marathon.

1539
01:08:06,875 --> 01:08:08,584
They always bring it up.

1540
01:08:08,585 --> 01:08:10,211
They're like, "Yeah, I ran
the New York City Marathon."

1541
01:08:10,212 --> 01:08:12,922
I always ask, "Did you win?"

1542
01:08:12,923 --> 01:08:14,590
"No, but I finished."

1543
01:08:14,591 --> 01:08:16,926
"What place you come at?"
"I don't know."

1544
01:08:16,927 --> 01:08:20,304
"Sounds like
you came in last."

1545
01:08:20,305 --> 01:08:24,975
"Really what you're saying
is you lost the New York
City Marathon."

1546
01:08:24,976 --> 01:08:26,435
"If I were you I
wouldn't bring that up."

1547
01:08:26,436 --> 01:08:28,020
(audience laughs)

1548
01:08:28,021 --> 01:08:30,356
But that's why some
people run marathons

1549
01:08:30,357 --> 01:08:32,817
so that they can say,
"I ran a marathon."

1550
01:08:32,818 --> 01:08:36,278
Which to me is not
a good enough reason.

1551
01:08:36,279 --> 01:08:37,988
Heck, I can say
I ran a marathon.

1552
01:08:37,989 --> 01:08:40,866
In fact, earlier I did.

1553
01:08:40,867 --> 01:08:43,077
It didn't feel good,
it felt dishonest.

1554
01:08:43,078 --> 01:08:47,832
I guess what I'm trying to say
is marathon runners are liars.

1555
01:08:47,833 --> 01:08:50,167
All of them.

1556
01:08:50,168 --> 01:08:52,044
It's too far.
It's way too far.

1557
01:08:52,045 --> 01:08:56,549
26.2 miles, that's too far
to run, jog or frankly drive.

1558
01:08:56,550 --> 01:08:58,717
Let's be serious.

1559
01:08:58,718 --> 01:09:00,594
But you know what?
I'm not a runner.

1560
01:09:00,595 --> 01:09:01,762
I'm not a runner.
Half of you are like,

1561
01:09:01,763 --> 01:09:04,014
"We never thought you were.

1562
01:09:04,015 --> 01:09:06,433
At this point we're not
sure if you're a walker."

1563
01:09:06,434 --> 01:09:08,519
But running is huge right?

1564
01:09:08,520 --> 01:09:10,271
There are stores
just for runners.

1565
01:09:10,272 --> 01:09:12,022
There's magazines
dedicated to running.

1566
01:09:12,023 --> 01:09:14,441
"Runners World," a magazine
all about running,

1567
01:09:14,442 --> 01:09:16,485
and if you thought
running was boring,

1568
01:09:16,486 --> 01:09:18,863
wait 'til you read
about running.

1569
01:09:18,864 --> 01:09:21,699
(audience laughs)

1570
01:09:21,700 --> 01:09:24,535
At this point,
is there any information

1571
01:09:24,536 --> 01:09:27,872
we don't have on running?

1572
01:09:27,873 --> 01:09:32,001
Oh, you're supposed to use
your arms when you run.

1573
01:09:32,002 --> 01:09:36,046
What? I think I've been
runnin' backwards.

1574
01:09:36,047 --> 01:09:38,340
No wonder I keep losin'.

1575
01:09:38,341 --> 01:09:40,926
(audience laughs)

1576
01:09:40,927 --> 01:09:41,969
The runners high.

1577
01:09:41,970 --> 01:09:44,221
I'm sure that's not a myth.

1578
01:09:44,222 --> 01:09:50,394
Let me get this right.
You're confusing
exhaustion for high?

1579
01:09:50,395 --> 01:09:53,147
Have you ever
been high before?

1580
01:09:53,148 --> 01:09:58,027
How can you confuse,
"I can't breathe" with "Joy?"

1581
01:09:58,028 --> 01:10:00,362
(audience laughs)

1582
01:10:00,363 --> 01:10:02,781
The runner's high.

1583
01:10:02,782 --> 01:10:04,700
Has anyone ever used
that as an excuse?

1584
01:10:04,701 --> 01:10:08,704
Sorry I ate all the chips.
Runner's high.

1585
01:10:08,705 --> 01:10:10,205
Hey, I ran a 10K
in high school.

1586
01:10:10,206 --> 01:10:12,875
I think I'm still high.

1587
01:10:12,876 --> 01:10:15,502
But there's running, and then
there's running a marathon.

1588
01:10:15,503 --> 01:10:19,340
You know you have to
pay to run a marathon?

1589
01:10:19,341 --> 01:10:21,467
What?

1590
01:10:21,468 --> 01:10:23,093
For the New York City Marathon

1591
01:10:23,094 --> 01:10:25,262
you have to pay $250

1592
01:10:25,263 --> 01:10:31,268
to run by yourself 26 miles.

1593
01:10:31,269 --> 01:10:35,522
That's some
S&M stuff there.

1594
01:10:35,523 --> 01:10:36,982
That's like the subplot of

1595
01:10:36,983 --> 01:10:39,068
a "Law & Order:
Special Victims Unit."

1596
01:10:39,069 --> 01:10:41,362
You gotta pay that up front.

1597
01:10:41,363 --> 01:10:43,030
It's not like there's
a toll system.

1598
01:10:43,031 --> 01:10:44,406
Like we're on 13 mile.

1599
01:10:44,407 --> 01:10:47,910
What is this a chip reader?

1600
01:10:47,911 --> 01:10:49,745
You ever see the
beginning of a marathon?

1601
01:10:49,746 --> 01:10:52,331
All there runners line up in
their voluntary prison number?

1602
01:10:52,332 --> 01:10:54,249
(audience laughs)

1603
01:10:54,250 --> 01:10:57,586
And then someone
shoots a gun. Red flag.

1604
01:10:57,587 --> 01:11:01,215
And the runners disperse
like Godzilla's approaching.

1605
01:11:01,216 --> 01:11:03,175
Ah!

1606
01:11:03,176 --> 01:11:07,137
Why is there a weapon
involved in a foot race?

1607
01:11:07,138 --> 01:11:11,058
Whatever happened to
someone saying "go?"

1608
01:11:11,059 --> 01:11:13,560
All right let's review how
we're gonna start the marathon.

1609
01:11:13,561 --> 01:11:15,562
We'll get all the
lemmings lined up there

1610
01:11:15,563 --> 01:11:18,774
and then without any warning,
Cooter will shoot his .357.

1611
01:11:18,775 --> 01:11:21,235
(audience laughs)

1612
01:11:21,236 --> 01:11:24,321
In the air this time, Cooter.

1613
01:11:24,322 --> 01:11:26,615
Then we'll just sit
back, count the money

1614
01:11:26,616 --> 01:11:29,243
and watch some of
them soil themselves.

1615
01:11:29,244 --> 01:11:30,786
(audience laughs)

1616
01:11:30,787 --> 01:11:34,207
(audience cheering,
applauding)

1617
01:11:38,336 --> 01:11:41,255
You ever see the
winner of a marathon?

1618
01:11:41,256 --> 01:11:43,590
They do not look healthy.

1619
01:11:43,591 --> 01:11:47,219
They look like they were
forced to run a marathon.

1620
01:11:47,220 --> 01:11:50,139
Like it was some negotiation
as part of ransom.

1621
01:11:50,140 --> 01:11:51,515
I finished, I finished!

1622
01:11:51,516 --> 01:11:54,476
Now can I have my children?

1623
01:11:54,477 --> 01:11:57,062
I ran 26 miles,
I drank my own urine,

1624
01:11:57,063 --> 01:11:59,106
I'm wearing
a tin foil blanket.

1625
01:11:59,107 --> 01:12:02,359
What's going on
with my kids?

1626
01:12:02,360 --> 01:12:04,778
Of course I respect
people who run marathons.

1627
01:12:04,779 --> 01:12:06,071
Heck, I'm impressed
by the people

1628
01:12:06,072 --> 01:12:08,741
who pass out
water at marathons.

1629
01:12:08,742 --> 01:12:11,869
I always look at them,
I'm like, I couldn't do that.

1630
01:12:11,870 --> 01:12:16,749
Probably gotta get up early,
then you gotta find cups.

1631
01:12:16,750 --> 01:12:20,252
Then there's passin'
out all that water.

1632
01:12:20,253 --> 01:12:23,881
My arm's just sore
thinkin' about it.

1633
01:12:23,882 --> 01:12:26,216
At least those people are doing
something at the marathon.

1634
01:12:26,217 --> 01:12:28,260
You ever see the rest of the
people watchin' the marathon?

1635
01:12:28,261 --> 01:12:30,387
They're like.

1636
01:12:30,388 --> 01:12:32,057
(audience laughs)

1637
01:12:36,144 --> 01:12:40,105
What is going on
in your life,

1638
01:12:40,106 --> 01:12:44,818
if you're watching
strangers run a marathon?

1639
01:12:44,819 --> 01:12:46,654
(audience laughs)

1640
01:12:49,491 --> 01:12:51,784
I suppose some of them are
there supporting friends.

1641
01:12:51,785 --> 01:12:53,368
I wouldn't want that.

1642
01:12:53,369 --> 01:12:58,123
I don't even want someone
to see me in a hurry.

1643
01:12:58,124 --> 01:13:01,168
That seems like a big
request of a friend, right?

1644
01:13:01,169 --> 01:13:05,089
"Hey, can you watch
me run 26 miles?

1645
01:13:05,090 --> 01:13:08,300
Only take your entire Sunday."

1646
01:13:08,301 --> 01:13:11,136
You can only watch someone
run part of a marathon.

1647
01:13:11,137 --> 01:13:12,638
It's not that big
of a commitment.

1648
01:13:12,639 --> 01:13:14,306
It's like, "You can do it,
you can do it!

1649
01:13:14,307 --> 01:13:15,641
All right,
I'm goin' to brunch."

1650
01:13:15,642 --> 01:13:18,685
(audience laughs)

1651
01:13:18,686 --> 01:13:21,105
But you could watch
someone run a marathon.

1652
01:13:21,106 --> 01:13:22,481
You can't go into
a health club

1653
01:13:22,482 --> 01:13:25,442
and watch someone
on a treadmill.

1654
01:13:25,443 --> 01:13:26,986
(audience laughs)

1655
01:13:34,744 --> 01:13:36,411
"Excuse me sir,
what are you doin'?"

1656
01:13:36,412 --> 01:13:38,539
"I'm supportin' that lady."

1657
01:13:38,540 --> 01:13:41,458
(audience laughs)

1658
01:13:41,459 --> 01:13:44,920
"Do you, uh,
do you know her?"

1659
01:13:44,921 --> 01:13:46,922
"Not yet,

1660
01:13:46,923 --> 01:13:51,718
but I brought her this
lock for the bridge."

1661
01:13:51,719 --> 01:13:54,096
All right, that is all for me.
Thank you very much.

1662
01:13:54,097 --> 01:13:55,472
(audience cheering,
applauding)

1663
01:13:55,473 --> 01:13:57,307
This was so fun.
Thank you for coming.

1664
01:13:57,308 --> 01:13:59,519
Appreciate it.

1665
01:14:04,399 --> 01:14:07,193
(audience applauding,
cheering)