Half-Real

Welcome to Arundel, land of unending conflict. Men and beasts slay each other in hoards, only to revive again to continue the conflict. Our story takes us to [FILLER]


* * *


*change to map*
Alright team, here's the objective: [BLAH BLAH BLAH][To be amended to include Noah describing the objective in character]


* * *


Kalin: That was boring. Your storytelling is boring. You're boring.
Noah: Well what do you want then?
Kalin: Your characters had no personality at all. It didn't even feel like a battle.
Noah: Well that's all that's necessary! I give orders and my subordinates follow them.
Kalin: That's not how battles really go. They're not soldiers, they're people in soldier outfits. Let's try it again.
Noah: ...
Kalin: C'mon, just give it a chance. You never know what'll happen.
Noah: Fine, we'll do it your way. Once!
Kalin: Once is all I'll need.





*ahem* The REAL Prologue



* * *


Kalin: Both content and delivery are important. You could've made that story about giant dragons fighting sea monsters and it still wouldn't sound right. Lemme try! *ahem*

Kalin: Welcome to the war-torn Valhalla!
Noah: Valhalla is at peace, Kalin.
Kalin: Quiet Noah, it's my turn!
Noah: Uh-
Kalin: Welcome...

*transition back to intro screen*

...to the soon-to-be war-torn Valhalla!

Noah: So why can't we just have a normal battle again?
Kalin: Because the story is important! It's not just about the 'how' but also the 'why'.
Noah: Well sure, but every time?
Kalin: Every battle has a story, you know.
Noah: But that story is so cliche...
Kalin: It's all in the execution. Do you wanna be a hero or not?
Noah: Ow-Hey, stop poking me! Okay okay!

*the map is displayed*
Kalin: This figure with the cape and the sword will be you, the valiant and heroic Prince Noah. He's on a mission to save his love, the beautiful Princess Faye.
Noah: That's really cli- W-wait, why her?
Kalin: You think she's really cute right?
Noah: Uh...
Kalin: Hahaha you're getting red.
Noah: Shut-up! Anyway, why would she be captured by the Valerians?
Kalin: You're thinking about it too much. Sometimes you gotta have a little chaos and disorder to spice things up! Here, I'll be... where is it!? Aha, I'll be this dragon knight.
Noah: Wyvern knight.
Kalin: Dragon knight!
Noah: Weren't you gonna be the bad guy anyway?
Kalin: Fine fine fine, I'll just take my dragon knight piece elsewhere.
Noah: Where's a bow unit when you need one?
Kalin: Anyway, that woman that bakes the amazing pie can be this cleric here. Uh... my brother and one of his best friends can be these cavaliers. Hmm... can you think of anyone else? If you put people you care about in positions like this, it'll make things more interesting. Every move will be more important since the people being moved are people we care about. If someone loses all of their hit points, they're captured and you may never see them again.
Noah: That's quite a leap.
Kalin: That's what actual combat is like though, isn't it? After all, everyone I mentioned has had combat training.
Noah: Well, I suppose yeah.
Kalin: You gotta use your imagination. You don't think I just read all those silly stories, right? I always imagine myself in them.
Noah: That explains a lot.
Kalin: Hmph, smartass. You gotta get more into it. You have to make it come to life.
Noah: Hmm, okay. Then this armor knight can be a sit in for my personal bodyguard. Mother's top spy will be our thief, a very important unit in this situation. And my sister and her vassal can be the mage and the falcoknight, respectively. I suppose I just have to imagine them in these spots?
Kalin: Doesn't your mom use a weapon?
Noah: She uses a bow, yes.
Kalin: Then...
Noah: Why would she be here!?
Kalin: Do you wanna shoot down dragons or not?
Noah: ...fine.
Kalin: That's what I thought. This archer can be the queen.
Noah: Oh geez, why is mom...
Kalin: NO QUESTIONS! You're thinking too much.
Noah: Uh... Okay, if you say so.
Kalin: Try not to put so much thought into it. You gotta feel it.
Noah: Feel it, huh?
Kalin: Yes, yes, yes. Alright, now let's do this.

*map screen appears*

* * *


Noah: Alright, here's the report, team. Somehow, something is holding off the Valerians the imperials as we speak, allowing-
Kalin: Hey now, think of a good reason. I mean it's Valeria, it's the snowiest country on Valhalla isn't it? Go with a snow storm!
Noah: Wait so NOW we interject logic?
Kalin: Logic? No, this is storytelling.
Noah: I don't get it.
Kalin: You're thinking about it too much silly. You're supposed to feel it. Try again.
Noah: Uh... Okay... Alright, here's the report, team. An unexpected snow storm has given us an amazing opportunity to sneak behind enemy lines undetected.
Kalin: So then...
Noah: Hey hey, quiet in the back row! I'm getting there.
Kalin: ...
Noah: Anyway, as I was saying... the fort is, of course, heavily fortified. Our mission is to get in, capture the enemy general-
Kalin: You mean rescue the princess!
Noah: Who is holding the princess hostage. We must all then escape before reinforcements arrive. Some people will have to go get the general, and the princess, while others secure the escape. There's also the issue of the main room. Clyde will have to get in for us. We can't get to the princess without him.
Kalin: Is there a time limit?
Noah: I suppose it would be about half a day, but in this case, it's [NUMBER] turns.
Kalin: So... if a unit has their HP reduced to 0, they die and are captured.
Noah: Someone's just gonna wisk them away afterwards, huh?
Kalin: Well you're in enemy territory during a battle. You can't exactly pick up the body before it regenerates.
Noah: That's true, actually.
Kalin: Okay smartass, moving on then. The general is of course captured under the same circumstances.
Noah: We don't need to capture the enemy general. We just need the princess.
Kalin: See, you're really getting into this now. Let's up the stakes.
Noah: Huh?
Kalin: Anyone you leave behind will be captured as well.
Noah: Um...
Kalin: It's not fitting for the lord to leave before anyone else. The valiant and heroic caped crusader must be the last to escape!
Noah: ...you can't be serious.
Kalin: Oh, but I am! In addition, any spirit that reaches 0 HP will actually be killed in combat. You won't see them again for a long time. If the general gets the kill, he'll of course have a way of killing someone permanently with adda-adella... Adamantite! That's how you say it!
Noah: Do you want an award? Also this seems like a complicated setup.
Kalin: Fine. Let's just go with anyone who dies dies for good.
Noah: How does every enemy have a piece of an extremely expensive item?
Kalin: It's not supposed to realistic! You're a tactical genius right? I'm sure you'll come up with something.
//Note that there were several tips I thought to include, such as Celeste being a Jeigan that should be used, but I think it's better not to hold the person's hand and let them figure it out on their own.
Noah: ...
Kalin: Back to the battle! So the damsel in distress is screaming for help, right?
Noah: No no, that's not right.
Kalin: Well how does she act?
Noah: Well, uh... it's hard to describe, but...

* * *


Valhalla, a planet filled with intelligent life. Life that is blessed and curse with the ability to regenerate and revive from almost any conceivable death. With the only way to truly die being from old age, disputes are frequently settled through violence. Murder is often only a minor offense and wars are seen as more sporting than tragic.

In the midst of all this lies the pure and heroic Prince Noah. Armed with his trusty Rapier and his family heirloom, the Talisman of Light, only usable by the pure of heart, he is ready to face the world and save Princess Faye from the snowy wastelands of Valeria.



* * *


Faye: I can't believe I fell into a trap like this. Let me go you rat!
Enemy Soldier: Get used to this cell, you'll be here for a while.
Faye: I'd rather cut out my tongue than tell you what I know.
Enemy Soldier: That can be arranged.
Faye: Good, hand me the knife!
Enemy Soldier: !?

Noah: Everybody in one piece?
Clyde: Boss, please don't make me come here again.
Celeste: I told you to wear warmer clothes, Clyde!
Clyde: I was in a hurry, okay Celeste? How was I supposed to know there would be a snow storm!?
Celeste: It's always snowy in Valeria. That's why Alacaedea hasn't been able to successfully invade it.
Clyde: Alacaedea hasn't successfully invaded Arundel either.
Celeste: Alacaedea isn't next to us!
Clyde: Minor details, minor details.
Celeste: What are we gonna do if your shivering catches the attention of someone?
Clyde: Wha- I'm not the one trying to bring a flying horse into a building. Is your plan to wake everyone up?
Celeste: My pegasus isn't going to be sneaking around next to the enemy. The snowstorm masks any noise that isn't ridiculously loud. My job is to stay out here and secure the escape.
Owen: Fear not! If they wake up, good ol' Owen will just put 'em back to sleep!
Clyde: Put them to sleep with one of old ironside's famous speeches? That always puts me to sleep.
Owen: It also leaves you with some nice conks on the head!
Clyde: Ow! The almighty Owen lance conks should be saved for the enemy, don't you think?
Lucia: Hey now, don't fight. We need to work together.
Lily: Yeah, let's work together!
Lucia: Lily, what are you-what is a child doing here?
Lily: Lily isn't a child! Lily can fight all by herself!
Celeste: She must've stowed away in my bag. Wait, then what happened to-
Lily: Lily didn't touch the weird powder!
Lucia: Lily, you need to stay behind Celeste.
Lily: Don't worry, if Lily gets hurt that's why you're here, Lucia.
Lucia: That is not a valid excuse.
Celeste: You aren't old enough to deal with coming back from the beyond. Stay in the back!
Lily: No! Lily wants to help!
Clyde: If she can set people on fire I'd say she's a decent asset...
Lily: Yeah! Clyde understands.
Celeste: Clyde! *sigh* At least you didn't bring that talking patch of grass.
Clyde: I'm sure we don't need Kalin to find a way to get ourselves killed. Speaking of getting myself killed, where's my trusty knife.
Celeste: That thing? It was a dinky old knife. You need to use proper tools.
Clyde: That was my special knife though...
Celeste: It's just a knife, what difference does it make?
Clyde: I knew the exact weight and feeling of it. It was good moral support too, since it had a notch for every kill. You know, in case I ever doubted myself.
Celeste: Uh...
Clyde: I know, strange right?
Noah: Ahem! Back on track. Alright Celeste, let's review. What are the objectives?
Celeste: To rescue Princess Faye and secure an escape.
Noah: And how are we going to accomplish those two tasks?
Celeste: The general holds the key to her cell. We need to get it off of him or have Clyde pick the lock.
Clyde: Uh, about that boss...
Celeste: You've got to be kidding me.
Clyde: I can find another set of lockpicks on a thief.
Celeste: What kind of plan is that? How do you know that they'll even be here?
Clyde: There's always thieves where there's treasure.
Celeste: How do you know there's treasure?
Clyde: Because I'm a thief and I'm here.
Celeste: That's not how logic works!
Clyde: It's how my shiny new lockpicks are going to work.
Celeste: ...
Noah: Relax, Celeste. Mother would expect me to adapt without a moment's hesitation anyway. Anyway, Clyde needs to get a lockpick from a thief or we need to kill the general and take his key. After that?
Celeste: I... Fine, whatever. Next is the escape. There's multiple different ways to leave the building, including where we came in. We can also have Lily blow through a wall.
Lily: Yeah, Lily can blow through a wall!
Noah: The wall in front of us should lead straight to the princess' cell.
*crash*
Lily: Open! Told you Lily would be useful.
Celeste: Lily!
Noah: You just alerted the entire area to our presence.
Clyde: Also the snowstorm is a lot softer thanks to the cave-in.
Lily: Uh-oh...
Faye: Who's there?
Lily: But Lily found the princess!
Noah: Well... I guess that solves one issue. Clyde?
Clyde: I'm on it, boss.... Stop moving, dammit, I'm trying to cut you loose... There!
Faye: Noah! It's good to see you. Perfect timing too.
Noah: No kidding, otherwise you might've lopped off an ear.
Clyde: I had her pegged for a toe.
Celeste: If I had to guess, I would've gone with eye.
Faye: You're all wrong. I picked tongue.
Lucia: You wouldn't be able to taste my pies then.
Faye: ...I'll go with ear next time. Anyway, I need to pay that bastard back for kidnapping me and tying me up.
Noah: Alright, let's get out of here.
Faye: Ahem!
Noah: Are you serious? Don't be dumb.
Faye: Either we kill him or I kill him. Take your pick.
Noah: You have to be kidding me.
Owen: Oh boy. Well, this is part of the reason you brought us all along.
Lucia: My heal staves are on the ready.
Faye: That's what I like to hear!
Owen: Just please follow the prince's commands in battle if you won't do it out of battle.
Noah: So uh... change in plans: we're here and we need to fight our way out. It looks like some parts of the level of structurally weak. Lily can tear down a few more to help us out and Clyde can steal a few lockpicks to open doors much more easily. We also need to kill the boss because the princess is psychotic.
Faye: This is a completely normal response!
Celeste: I hate to say it, but it actually is a somewhat-normal response.
Owen: I need to interject as this hasn't been mentioned yet: Noah, don't forget what you're up against. Valeria is notorious for its formation fighting, especially their pegasus knights. If 3 pegasi surround anyone but myself, there is almost no chance that person will survive the resulting triangle attack.
Noah: Surround us, huh? So we can avoid it by only staying in the melee range of two pegasi, or by being in either a box or line formation.
Owen: Those are inherently risky because pegasi are still good on their own, but you're the tactician here.
Clyde: Hate to interrupt but we need to move quickly, boss. Reinforcements are gonna surround this place if we take too long.
Noah: You're right, you're right. Celeste?
Celeste: I calculate that we have roughly 20 minutes to complete our objectives before the base is surrounded.
Clyde: What's the plan, boss?
Noah: Well...
*battle starts*


* * *


(Turn X)
Clyde: Boss, the sounds coming from the north are louder than before.
Noah: Reinforcements?
Clyde: Yeah that's my guess. They sound like they'll be here in X minutes.

(When opening a path to the throne)
Enemy General: Fee Fi Foe Fum! Who goes there!? You will be in trouble for disturbing my slumber!
Noah: Amazing acting, Kalin, but might I remind you that the general is a human being, not a troll under a bridge.
Enemy General: I will start with you, silly lord! For mocking me, the price is death!
Noah: *sigh* Dangit...

Enemy General: Don't be such a booooreee!
Lord Noah: ...your reign of terror ends here, monster! I, Noah Arundel, declare that you shall not hurt anyone ever again!

Noah: How was that?
Kalin: Yeahyeahyeah! That's great! See, you're getting it now!
Noah: I need you to act seriously though.
Kalin: You're really getting into this, geez.

Enemy General: Just try, you puny lord.
Celeste: Noah, you and the enemy commander are acting very unusually. She can be as weird as she wants, but I'm taking orders from you.
Noah: Sorry, sorry. Let's get to it.

(Turn 20 Enemy Phase)
Enemy Soldier: Sir, reinforcements have just arrived. We have the intruders surrounded.
Kalin: Mwahahahahaha!
Noah: Eh... I lost? I guess I need more practice.
Kalin: You didn't just lose. Pretty much everyone we know and love was just captured by the enemy to be tortured for information. Good job Noah!
Noah: Uh, right... well, minus the torture part.
Kalin: You'd better shape up mister, or this might happen for real!
(Game Over)

* * *


(Victory)
Kalin: W-wha? Y-you won?
Noah: Well yeah, what did you expect?
Kalin: ...phooey.
Noah: So what now?
Kalin: *sigh*
Enemy General: Curses! You'll regret this action, Lord Noah! My friends will come to avenge me!
Noah: This seems incredibly cliché.
Kalin: SSSSHHH! You're ruining the plot!
Noah: I have to admit though. It's a little more interesting when it's not just units on a grid.
Kalin: Of course! Haven't you ever made up stories like this before?
Noah: No.
Kalin: Eh? No kidding. Then we should do this more often!
(If no one died or was captured)
Noah: I got everyone out safe and sound too. No one is dead, nor are they getting tortured for information today.
Kalin: Wow, I-I guess not.
Noah: Not today, Valerians! Bow down before the invincible Lord Noah!
Enemy General: Er uh... curse you Lord Noah! My allies will not forget this insult!
//The needs to be a story-wise reward of some sort here. Perhaps a ranking is associated with this achievement as well

Kalin: My turn to be hero! I wanna be a dragon knight!
Noah: It's a wyvern knight.
Kalin: It's a dragon knight!
Noah: It's a person that's riding a wyvern. It's a wyvern knight!
Kalin: It's a dragon knight, now gimme the figurine!
Noah: Not until you call it a wyvern knight!

*rumbling*
Celeste: What's happening!?
Lily: It wasn't Lily's fault this time!
Owen: The ground is shaking!
Clyde: And here I thought I was the detective!
Celeste: This isn't the time for jokes.

Kalin: Gimme that dragon knight!
Noah: No, it's mine!

*rumbling*
Celeste: We're out of the building but that

Kalin: Oh, whoops... I broke it...
Noah: And we knocked over the whole board...
Kalin: I'm sorry...
Noah: It's okay. Me too...
Kalin: ...
Noah: Wanna get ice cream?
Kalin: Yes!