Meth

I don’t know if anyone here does, has ever tried, or is currently on crystal meth (I’m hoping not the third option), but I used to have a friend who was addicted to it for a little while, and I have a hilarious story about that. Hilarious now, I mean. Not hilarious at the time…to him, at least. I thought it was pretty funny at the time, as well. So my friend had been hanging out at his house doing meth for a few weeks. He didn’t go outside or anything, he never went outside regardless; he just hung out in his bedroom playing video games, shopping on eBay, reading internet comments. You know…normal things, but while on crystal meth! So he was like amped up! So video games were like, “WHERE IS THE PRINCESS? WHERE IS THE PRINCESS? FUCK YOU BOWSER! I’M A COMIN’ TA GET YA!” Shopping on eBay was like, “I’M BUYING EVERYTHING! NECK TIE GOING FOR 1 DOLLAR, DO WE HAVE TWO DOLLARS? WE HAVE TWO DOLLARS. DO WE HAVE 3? 3 DOLLARS FOR A NECK TIE GOING ONCE, GOING TWICE, SOLD! I MADE MULTIPLE ACCOUNTS SO I CAN BID AGAINST MYSELF.” And reading internet comments was like, “UPVOTE, MOTHER FUCKER.”

In one of those internet comments he read, he learned how to inject crystal meth anally. I would go into further detail about the process involved here, but I didn’t feel inclined to ask for further details when he told me about this. All I know is that he decided to take meth anally, and it worked, but it worked too much. He didn’t overdose, but he did freak himself out thinking that he had overdosed. He was convinced that his heart was beating weird and that he was way too methed up and that he was either going to have to leave the room to tell his mom so that she could take him to the hospital or just keep it to himself and possibly die, is honestly the better option of those two things, because I’m not a mother, but some of you are, and I’m sure that if your 19-year-old, introverted son ran up to you and shouted, “I’VE HAD TOO MUCH METH!” you would probably die of a heart attack and there would be two casualties now. He started to feel like he might be overreacting, so he tried to calm down by turning on the radio. The song, “Nothing But a Good Time” by the 80s band Poison comes on, which is the perfect song to come on when someone is panicking that they might be dying of a drug overdose. He’s thinking that he’s going to die from his attempt at having a good time, the song is accompanying this premise by ironically singing, “Looking for nothing but a good time!” in a contextually sinister way. He didn’t end up dying, but he did quit doing meth. So, that’s a first for the band Poison. I feel like they’ve definitely been a stepping stone in many a meth addict’s life, but this was the first time that it was a step towards not taking meth.