Thank you for understanding (or at least trying to). I was fairly upset when I didn't see that I had a new message in my inbox when I came to school on Friday, but I knew there was a reason. I know it all seems confusing to you, and it's even confusing to me, but I just...

I don't know. I've dug myself a deep one and am still looking for a rope to climb out of it and get back to the perfect world I had when I had you to get my back and James at the same time. Apparently, though, I've dug myself into not only a deep hole, but a fairly long and wide one. It's taken me this long to realize "Hey, it's not like there's even any trace of me talking to Toni here on Subeta. There's a delete button and I only get on using a school computer! o/" I hate having to sneak to talk to you, but it's the only way. I can't live my life knowing that I didn't try to make amends with you. It would kill me.

I think I might have a way to fix all of this, though. James' mom loves me and, of all people, understand how he can be. She might be able to help knock some sense into him. The only problem is that if I just randomly pop up one day with "Hey, I want to talk to my bestie Toni. I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm not trying to leave you, I'm not trying to keep her on the back burner so if we break up I can go back to her. Just let me talk to her." he'll freak.

Haha. I really can't do anything on a whim anymore or say random shit or anything. I have to think about what I do and weigh the consequences and how James will react to it. Otherwise I might fuck up and have him think I'm popping pills or shooting up. :/

I just...don't know how much longer I can put up with this petty bullshit. I mean, I can't leave the guy, nor do I WANT to. I love him and want him to stay with me forever. I just can't take him thinking I'm always cheating on him or doing drugs behind his back. He's gotten LOADS better, and we rarely fight -knock on wood-, but it still comes up.

I can only thank that you understand as much as you do. It might be hard, but I just wanted to know that you'll always be there for me, even though I'm such a shitty friend. It means sososososoooo much to me that you're still my bestie after all of this. I swear, when I open up my bakery, you'll get the first opening day invitation and you'll get free cupcakes with rainbow sprinkles and moustaches for life.

Thank you, Damacy.