notkickass222urmom

LtD 94

Aug 14th, 2014
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  1. >>Chapter 94 - Part 1
  2. > Title: Lance’s biggest fear
  3. You mean the rape by horse thing?
  4. > Here, this is now cannon to the story. But only the RP between Purple Blaze, Shadow Breeze, me, and Omnius.
  5. What are you talking ab—
  6. > http://ponysquare.com/forum/thread/727/sword-art-online-sao/
  7. Instead of saying anything, I’ll just quote the tagline of the site:
  8. “PonySquare - The Pony Roleplaying Site! helps you connect and share with the people in your life.”
  9. > This will play a part in the story at some point.
  10. Uh…
  11. I don’t know what I’m supposed to get from that except that there’ll be two god awful OC’s coming this way, but we all knew that already.
  12. > As I walked down the hall, I could hear my mom humming in the kitchen.
  13. I am sorry, Dana. I didn’t want things to turn out like this.
  14. But there’s no stopping your son.
  15. > [Those hums may sound innocent! But they're the hums of a crazy woman!]
  16. Break, Dawn and Lance proceed to berate Dana for a full paragraph.
  17. God damn it…
  18. She’s the only quarter-decent character in this fic, and I can only see things getting worse from here.
  19. > "Stay here girl, I don't know what she wants... but it can't be good."
  20. Sure, when is the last time your mother wanted to do anything good for you, right?
  21. Sarcasm aside, why is Lance so hung up about his mother? Besides the obvious reasons, (Kickass222urmom has mommy issues), does Lance resentment run so deep that he can’t forgive his mom despite her already approving of his lifestyle? She stopped bothering him, and is now living a life of her own with Captain Barehoof.
  22. She was even willing to take care of her grandchildren despite Lance not inviting him to his birthday party, which was a huge dick move, by the way.
  23. > I chuckled, "I'll be back soon." I hope...
  24. Why shouldn’t you? You think your mom will want to drag you away again? She already showed that she won’t, what’s the big deal?
  25.  
  26.  
  27.  
  28. >>Chapter 94 - Part 2
  29. > I walked into the kitchen to see my mom, standing on the sink and doing the dishes.
  30. Wouldn’t it be much easier if you stood in front of the sink rather than on it?
  31. > [This feels like the time we destroyed her car and ran away for a week.... damn, she was fucking angry when we came crawling back home.]
  32. And yet you act as if your mom is an evil person bent on your misery.
  33. You are an asshole, Lance.
  34. > <Don't remind me of that! The streets were horrible! We had to fight a cat for a single potato chip!>
  35. And you did that instead of going to a homeless shelter or an orphanage.
  36. > She straightened up and turned with a smile...
  37. That last time couldn’t have been a fluke, right?
  38. There’s still hope that this can turn out well, isn’t there?
  39. > but that smile faded when she saw me
  40. As it would with anyone else.
  41. > "Lance?! How did you get your normal body back?!"
  42. “It’s a long story that involves both Mr. Bleak’s stupidity and some of my own.”
  43. > She frowned for a second, but then smiled
  44. And thus, a huge plot point was just dropped.
  45. > "Well, I have great news!"
  46. “I’ll be emigrating from this fic, never to be seen again, that way my character won’t be sullied and run into the ground.”
  47. > [Last time she said that, we ended up going to school in girl clothes....]
  48. > <And, she made us even wear the bra! And the tampons!>
  49. I don’t think even Adam Sandler would consider this a joke.
  50. > [We were not cute!]
  51. Change the tense and we’ll agree.
  52. > "Two things. One, Barehoof and I are getting married."
  53. Good for you.
  54. I mean it, good for them. They’re the only not-God-awful characters in the entire fic, they deserve happiness.
  55. > "And two..." She continued. "... I'm pregnant." She finished proudly.
  56. On one hand, I look forward to seeing Dana raise a new kid while avoiding the mistakes that shaped Lance.
  57. On the other hand, Lance. There’s no way he’ll be a good influence on the new kid.
  58.  
  59.  
  60.  
  61. >>Chapter 94 - Part 3
  62. > [...]
  63. > <...>
  64. > {...}
  65. Hey, is there a reason why it had to be shown with the braces that Lance was speechless as well? Or the other two ballasts, for that matter?
  66. It could have simply said “we were speechless after that.”
  67. Oh, right. Kickass222urmom is an awful writer, I forgot for a second.
  68. > Snap. "Oh my God! You and the Captain fucked!"
  69. Why are you so surprised? Twilight and you were all over each other the day you appeared in Equestria. And since Dana and Barehoof have the closest thing to a real, normal relationship in this entire fic, why can’t they have a healthy sexual life?
  70. > Her eye twitched when I said 'fucked' but she continued to smile, "Yes. The Captain is very good with his tongue and..."
  71. I wonder if Kickass222urmom was thinking of his mom when he wrote this line.
  72. > I slammed my hands over my ears, "NO! I don't want to know the details!”
  73. Neither do we, so don’t write it.
  74. > <[This is all kinds of wrong!!!]>
  75. You overreacting? Yeah, that’s just plain wrong.
  76. > She sighed, "Lance, stop being dramatic."
  77. It’s almost as if you don’t know your own son, Dana.
  78. > My mom only chuckled
  79. Oh, God… It’s genetic!
  80. > "You'll get over it. Now, do you want to come to the wedding?"
  81. Please say no, please say no, please say no…
  82. > I shrugged, "Sure, I'll come."
  83. Ugh…
  84. There’s no way this’ll have a happy ending.
  85. > She smirked, "Good, because I would have made you if you said no."
  86. I think you a word there.
  87. > then I heard somepony inside, Spark maybe, say, "What happened Grandma?"
  88. What do you mean “maybe”?
  89. It’s your son, God damn it, how did you forget how his voice sounds?
  90. And you couldn’t have mistaken him for Fawn, she’s much older and you already are familiar with her voice.
  91. How can you be such a shitty parent?
  92. > My mom smiled happily and turned, "Oh, just your father being stupid, again."
  93. Preach it, girl.
  94.  
  95.  
  96.  
  97. >>Chapter 94 - Part 4
  98. > I chuckled and caught him, "Whoa buddy! You can fly?!"
  99. I have a theory.
  100. Kickass222urmom’s dad either got divorced or abandoned his family when he was little, and he grew up without a paternal figure.
  101. This marked him, and he vowed to be better than his father when he had children, which is why Spark and Fawn love him unconditionally. But since he doesn’t know how to be a father, and is just an awful human being in general, he portrays himself as a carefree slacker who doesn’t take care of his family or provides for them in any way, letting Twilight do the raising instead. It holds because if his dad wasn’t present then Kickass222urmom’s mom would have been the one taking care of him and his brother.
  102. > He smiled proudly, "Yep! Uncle Greg came by a few days ago and wanted to try some spell. He said it would make me older! So now I can fly! YAY!... Well, I can only fly for a few seconds, but still, its fun!"
  103. I thought it had already been established that foals aged at a plot-convenient speed.
  104. Did Spark really need a magic induced growth spurt?
  105. > My eyes widened, that son of a bitch! Greg! He cast a fucking spell on my son! He's dead!
  106. He’s done far worse. At least this one had a good end.
  107. Relatively speaking, of course.
  108. > I shrugged, "Kara can come, but I would prefer if Fawn stayed here with Grandma."
  109. “It’s never too late to make women learn that they mustn’t do anything.”
  110.  
  111. > I heard a squawk of joy, and saw Kara run into the kitchen, trying to fly.
  112. And instead of going after her to prevent her from straining her hurt wing, Lance stands there and watches his pet do acrobatics to go to her master.
  113. Douche.
  114. > Spark said yes and Kara kawed. (I have no idea what you call it when a Phoenix makes that sound.)
  115. “And I can’t be bothered to find out.”
  116.  
  117.  
  118.  
  119. >>Chapter 94 - Part 5
  120. > I chuckled and began walking down the street, ignoring the stares from the high class ponies.
  121. I don’t think this is a disdain stare, but rather a fear stare due to the sight of a hairless ape walking down the street.
  122. > Kara was still in my arms... I swear, I think she just does this to get a free ride!
  123. Or maybe it’s because she has a hurt wing, you heartless bastard.
  124. > "Where does Uncle Greg live dad?!" Spark said
  125. “Oh, he’s a freeloader that lives with his girlfriend, just like ever brony who has a relationship with anyone.”
  126. > "Awesome! Uncle Greg is so cool!"
  127. > Yeah, just don't follow his ways.
  128. What would be worse? Spark growing after Greg, or after Lance?
  129. > I opened the door and stepped in. Inside, I could see ponies at the counter. There was a few sitting at some tables eating their snacks.
  130. Apparently, Sugarcube Corner didn’t bankrupt once the stoner moved in.
  131. > I walked forward, happy that all the ponies here already accepted my new looks.
  132. Thank goodness, there could have been some sort of conflict otherwise and who would want that?
  133. > "So... You mad bro?"
  134. > I kept a blank face, "Yes, yes I am bro."
  135. Allow me to disagree, Lance. You are, in fact, not a bro.
  136. > "Okay you two, I'm going to talk to Uncle Greg. Spark, look after Kara... what am I saying? Kara, look after Spark, okay?"
  137. Why did you bring them in the first place?
  138. > I sighed and grabbed his horn. I then began to drag him across the shop and to the backroom.
  139. > "Whoa dude! You're turning me on!"
  140. I am not surprised to find out that Greg is into mistreating.
  141. > "Okay, listen. I'll be straight with you. I used a spell on him that caused him to age."
  142. That much was known, what exactly is the downside of the spell?
  143. > "Age? How old did you make him?"
  144. > "Ummm, about two years old..."
  145. Even with the alleged faster maturity rate of ponies, I still find it hard to believe that he can talk and fly like it’s no big deal.
  146.  
  147.  
  148.  
  149. >>Chapter 94 - Part 6
  150. > "TWO FUCKING YEARS OLD! You bastard! You just caused me and Twilight to miss two years of our sons life!"
  151. Not really. It’s not as if he disappeared for two years, he just got automatically older, you didn’t really miss anything.
  152. However, you should be mad about the fact that Spark’s life expectancy has been reduced by two years.
  153. > "Greg, I'm going to show you the true meaning of pain!"
  154. “Just like the last time I did. It makes you wonder why you even stay near me.”
  155. > He smiled and saluted me, "Adiós amigo!"
  156. Oh, sure. Murder the English language, but use the proper accent on the Spanish word.
  157. > "Oh no you don't faggot!" I yelled as I jumped forward. But, before I could reach him, he disappeared.
  158. By the time Greg appears again, Lance will probably have forgotten everything about this incident.
  159. > I put my hand on [Spark’s] head, "Do you want to go check out the animals?"
  160. I have to come up with something to continue with the story, wanna go to the zoo?
  161. > "Dad! You said we were going to see some animals!" Spark whined as he stood at the door that lead outside.
  162. He just turned around to pick up his injured pet, you whiny little brat.
  163. > As I walked towards the door, a blue coated mare stopped me,
  164. Silly mare, there’s no stopping him.
  165. > "He yours?"
  166. “I mean, you’re an ape and he’s a horse, but you two are the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen, so I made the logical conclusion.”
  167. > I smiled proudly, "He sure is. Cute kid, huh?"
  168. > She nodded and smiled sweetly, "Yes he is, he looks just like you... I mean, when you were a pony."
  169. She knows that’s Lance? How?
  170. Wait, who is she?
  171. > "Ready to see some animals?"
  172. > "Yes dad! Hurry, your stalling!"
  173. I liked you more when you didn’t speak, Spark.
  174. Actually, I liked you more back when you didn’t exist.
  175. > I laughed, "I'm not stalling, but you are by talking."
  176. “That’s another thing you must learn, son. Nothing is ever my fault.”
  177.  
  178.  
  179.  
  180. >>Chapter 94 - Part 7
  181. > "Hurry up dad!"
  182. > Oh man, this kid is just like me when I was younger.
  183. You take that back! Spark may be annoying now, but he doesn’t deserve to be treated like that.
  184. > "Here we are." I announced as we reached the edge to the Whitetail Forest.
  185. What…?
  186. I thought he was taking him to Fluttershy’s cottage to see her animals, but he’s taking him to the woods? Really? Does he think that’s the best way to show his son some animals?
  187. Ugh, at least he didn’t take him to the Everfree.
  188. > <Ahh, the peace and quiet. So lovely.>
  189. > [THIS PLACE IS FUCKING AWESOME!]
  190. > <... And there goes the peacefulness.>
  191. Yes, the lack of peacefulness is usually a side effect of Lance arriving somewhere.
  192. > I bent down and looked at a few white flowers. I smiled as I plucked one of them. Maybe I could get a few of those and give them to Twilight. Maybe then she won't be so mad at me.
  193. It would probably be the nicest thing you’ve done for her since you gave her that sandwich back in chapter 7.
  194. > I picked another and smelt it.
  195. Wouldn’t that make the flower burst into flames?
  196. Unless you meant “smelled”, in which case go stuff a grammar book down your throat.
  197. > My eyes widened, "Is that a..."
  198. > "Tree frog!" Spark said happily, "Isn't it cool!"
  199. Spoilers alert: The title (Lance’s biggest fear) makes reference to Kickass222urmom’s fear of frogs.
  200. Yeah.
  201. > Flashback: Lance Greenfield, age 4
  202. > Setting: Grandmothers house, country side
  203. Of course, why write a scenery change when you can ju—Ugh, what’s even the point? Just move on the stupid flashback…
  204. > I smiled as I sat down the bucket of water I had collected from the water hose, "Done!"
  205. Look at how productive Lance used to be. What happened in fourteen years?
  206. > Jamie (Age 5) walked up and smiled, "Get the rocks now!"
  207. “Jamie, who was 5 at the time, walked up and smiled”
  208. Was it that hard?
  209.  
  210.  
  211.  
  212. >>Chapter 94 - Part 8
  213. > She pointed to the bucket, "Put them in, hurry, before the bad guys get us!" (Its a kids game.)
  214. Oh for crying out loud…
  215. Stop it!
  216. Why the hell can’t you just be bothered to actually write this in a decent way?
  217. > I ran over and dropped the rocks in the bucket.
  218. > Jamie laughed, "Yay! We won!"
  219. I didn’t grow in a country side home, so I don’t know if this is actually a thing that kids do.
  220. But wouldn’t there be more interesting things to do in the country side than fill a bucket with water and rocks?
  221. > Jamie walked over to one of the plastic chairs and sat down, "They won't be able to get us now!"
  222. I assume they mean the voices in their heads, because I doubt Lance could have had many friends outside of Equestria.
  223. > "What's that?"
  224. > "A tree frog. They can climb up really tall thing!"
  225. Just imagine, had Kickas222urmom never got into ponies, he could have been writing Batman Fanfiction with him as a Frog based superhero.
  226. > The tree frog jumped towards me and... landed in my open mouth.
  227. What are the odds of something like that actually happening?
  228. Certainly higher than getting someone pregnant after three seconds of penetration, that’s for sure.
  229. > And then... I began to scream like a little girl.
  230. How can you scream when you have a mouthful of frog?
  231. > I closed my eyes and kept running... why did I do that?
  232. Because even back then you had poor decision-making skills.
  233. But more importantly, why are you asking us that?
  234. > *Bang*
  235. Sadly, this isn’t the sound of someone shooting kid Lance to put us out of our misery.
  236. > The tree frog then climbed down my throat and into my stomach.
  237. Wouldn’t the frog get lodged inside of your throat and you’d choke to death?
  238. Wait, how big is this frog?
  239. > I then began to cry.
  240. Catch up, will you? I’ve been crying non-stop since chapter 32.
  241.  
  242.  
  243.  
  244. >>Chapter 94 - Part 9
  245. > End of flashback
  246. Oh, thanks for clarify that. How else could have we known that the flashback was over?
  247. I would have been confused by seeing Spark prance around young Lance just as he passed out, my mind couldn’t have taken it.
  248. GAH!
  249. > I just crouched there, trying to concentrate on picking the flowers, but I couldn't.
  250. Do what I do when I make this riff, remember that, despite all the awfulness, everything will soon be over.
  251. Eeyup, just 47 chapters left.
  252. Oh, God…
  253. > I gulped and turned, "Yes Spar... HOLY SHIT!"
  254. And this is the moment in which Lance realised the unholy abomination that he had brought into the world.
  255. > Spark was smiling and was covered head to hoof in... tree frogs!
  256. Oh, so this is why Lance’s fear was suddenly “tree frogs”, because Kickass222urmom didn’t want to write his son being covered in horse rape.
  257. > He cocked his head, "Why? Are you okay dad? Do you..." He then began take in breaths, as if he was about to sneeze.
  258. Spark somehow managed to sneeze with enough strength for the frogs to fly all the way to where Lance is standing.
  259. They somehow multiplied as well, seeing that…
  260. > My entire front was covered in tree frogs, my chest, stomach, and face... why the face!
  261. Because that’s what Kickass222urmom considers comedy, I guess.
  262. > I stumped over to her and fell to my knees, "Kara, please, blow your fire on me!"
  263. I am ok with this turn of events.
  264. > "Please, Kara, do it! Please!" I begged.
  265. Please, Kara, do it! And aim at the eyes.
  266. > The flames flew towards me... but the tree frogs jumped off before it even reached me. Screw me...
  267. Hmmm…
  268. Lance is currently a human, so how does Kickass222urmom plan to justify him not dying a horrible yet deserved death?
  269.  
  270.  
  271.  
  272. >>Chapter 94 - Part 10
  273. > My eyes widened and I looked at my nose to see a tree frog. I opened my mouth and let out a girly scream.
  274. Oh, sure. Being burned by Phoenix fire makes you just fall to the ground.
  275. But if you see a tree frog, is girly screams all around.
  276. > Five hours later, nighttime, Dali's house
  277. How did Lance got to Deela’s house in Canterlot from an undisclosed location at the Whitetail Woods?
  278. Did he make Kara and Spark carry him?
  279. > Twilight was still pretty PO'd when she came home, and yep, you guess it. I have to sleep on the couch.
  280. I think it’s time someone said it, Kickass222urmom is not trying to write a story, he’s just telling his readers “cool” stuff.
  281. > [Twilight] walked over to me and swiped her wet tail in my face, "You want this?" She said as she showed off her body.
  282. Twilight teases Lance by showing off her wet body instead of worrying about the second and third degree burns his husband has.
  283. > "Well, you should have thought of that earlier."
  284. “And no medical attention either, you have to learn your lesson.”
  285. > I sighed and laid down, this sucks!
  286. While I’ll concede that your asshole consciences got you into this mess, I doubt you could have done much with all the front of your body badly burnt.
  287. > Yep, my life is awesome!
  288. Well, that didn’t take too long.
  289. > Fun fact: Lance's fear is based off my fear. Yes, I'm scared of tree frogs XD And the flashback he had was actually how I became scared of them XD
  290. And to think that we could have been spared of all of this had that frog been slightly larger.
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