anon yapping

sorry yapping below, press the arrow => Hide Post if you're here for kiki

>>55832272
>Human relationship need a modicum of effort and communication
the thing is, my brain is put on wrong. i might look moderately attractive (she swiped on me, I pretty much never do the swiping myself) but beyond that the strong autism makes fumbling inevitable - and one big part of that is how I express my effort. i literally spend 6 hours yesterday and another 4 today drafting up a few simple text messages that the person on the other end might think took me just a few minutes to think up. i didn't reply to (You) for like 3 hours after coming home because I felt too tired to even do the minor amount of emotional labor that goes into opening up on an anonymous mongolian basketweaving forum. i have to put in an incredible amount of effort to just be normal while dealing mentally with extremely low odds of it being worth it at all and it's a constant drain on my mental health. being (and sleeping) healthy helps a lot but that's a pipe dream in my lifestyle
>If you care about someone but don't show it
not to come off as rude but the way you're phrasing that makes it sound like you're projecting a fantasy land onto me, where I like, actually know and see people in real life often and have to make choices like it's a dating game. in reality i just live with family and maybe sometimes go out for uni board game events if I'm not stuck at home tearing my heart out trying to maximize grades and shit

>>55832290
>you should put yourself out there. even just talking to people online works
i don't have a clear picture of what this means honestly. real life I wouldn't even know where to start with "putting myself out there" and with how slowly my brain works for social stuff it just seems harrowing. online, I mean, you can assume what happened - no reply despite just engaging in shared passion, on day 2, for no reason. the common end point of all online dating chats. i knew not to get attached, that this would happen, and that in all likelihood I won't lose my virginity in my 20s or ever but despite knowing all that it still messes my head up so bad - that's why I sent >>55831973 and am yapping now.
>without some hurt, but i think the happiness found outweighs it
definitely but for my case it's just too much effort, too much suffering, without much hope, for little in the end. despite what the male brain tricks me into thinking, getting sex isn't the end-goal of life, i can't remodel my everything and defeat the autism gods just for that. i'll honestly be glad if she totally stops replying so I can stop anguishing over any of this and focus on my passions, hobbies, and dreams. i should just delete bumble but I paid for lifetime premium like a dumbass. maybe I'll just go with gay love instead to sidestep all the women-related insecurities. just gotta find my kiki...