I'm not OK, but I'll be OK

Sorry this is a mess... but I am kind of a mess.

Where do I start...

I'm not well right now.

Depression has an absolute stranglehold on me... between the pandemic, my own health issues and everything else, I just feel like I have a dark cloud over me at all times right now... no matter what I do, nothing brings me happiness. Streaming used to do it and while there are still glimmers of that, streaming usually just makes me get in my own head more. For nearly 6 months straight I held steady at 40+ viewers average and finally peaked at 55 in May... then I started working on the weekends and depression crept in... every time my numbers would drop, I'd over analyze everything. This was very apparent on stream, I talked about it way too much and I am sure that I drove plenty of people away who just wanted to show up, hang out and have a good time. But for me, streaming had become more than just a fun hobby... the viewers are like my family... the platform was an opportunity for me to do something, especially during this pandemic that would be better for me in the long run. Because of medication I take to help keep my autoimmune issues in check, I am at a higher risk for developing a serious case of COVID if I were to be exposed to it. I have been fortunate enough to be able to do well enough on twitch to pay my share of the bills, take care of my birds and pick up the occasional bit of new equipment or games to stream... last year I started to take a dip in revenue but it evened back out, but in March of this year, as the pandemic started to really change peoples lives, it fell off a cliff... I think this is the single biggest source stress to my entire situation. My girlfriend busts her ass at work, even through all of this covid shit... she had to take a 20% paycut and I wasn't able to do much of anything to help make up for that and I feel like I failed.

I know in reality, it's unrealistic to expect any revenue from twitch right now and she understands that as well... while my numbers were still doing well I was able to supplement with bounties, but I haven't even been meeting the average required for a minimum payout on those lately. All of these things weigh on me heavily and trigger my depression, the common theme being failure... or at least, feeling like a failure. I try to remind myself that I have people who genuinely look forward to hanging out each day, regardless of what I play... that people come to me for an escape from all of the madness going on in the world... that people come to me to be a beacon of positivity. But, mental illness doesn't allow those things to mean more to you than a few negative things that, at least in my case I have little control over. Had I not put myself in a hole and allowed all of this negativity to come out on stream, June probably would have just been a little hiccup.

I honestly was ready to quit twitch... I told my girlfriend I'd quit and go try to find full time work, since I have nearly 10 years of retail management experience it wouldn't be super difficult to get in at a grocery store or something that isn't effected too much by the pandemic... she told me not to... she really wants me to continue  this because she knows how happy it can make me when the depression is kept at bay. I am beyond blessed to have her.

I need to go back to therapy... I need to focus on the important things... I need to find a good balance between twitch and life outside twitch... I need to stress about the financial side of things less... I need to be me again.

I don't know exactly how I will accomplish these things, but I will do my best. The community we have built has done so many awesome things. $2000 raised for st judes, $1100 raised for my local children's hospital, $1200 raised for the lupus foundation and another $1500 or so for other charitable causes. I need to get a grasp on things again and allow the community to be the bright spot it once was again for all of us.

I appreciate each and every person I've interacted with over the past 2 1/2 years on twitch... whether you are still active in the community or you have moved on. It has all a profound impact on me and will help me get back to where I need to be. I want to use this platform to do good things.