The worst part about growing up is that sinking feeling like you aren’t growing up. I’m eighteen, and  despite being an adult in the eyes of the law, I still feel like I’m this goofy kid playing make believe in my backyard. I’m about to get thrown into the deep end of the pool. I don’t really want to grow up, but I know it’s unavoidable. Right now, I’m just at the cusp of the water. That moment right before I hit the water. That moment of fear. Trepidation. There’s no safety net anymore. Soon enough, I’ll be on my own and it’ll be up to me to be able swim.

I’ve been told that growing up is the same for most everyone. I find that… hard to believe. I’m not about to claim that I have to worse than anybody else. That’s not true. I won’t deny that I was born with my leg in the door. But I’ve dealt with my own issues. Gender Dysphoria, and depression as a result of that. As well as anxiety and just bad feelings in general. I’ve been told how you’re supposed to be unsure about what’s going to happen and that it’s perfectly natural to be confused and to not worry about the future that much. I get that. But considering who I am? My issues? I can’t be sure that they’re ever going to go away. So I do worry about about the future, and it’s hard not to be a cynic about it, but those issues don’t define me. Sure, they make up the canvas of who I am, but it’s not the whole picture.

I like joking around with my friends. I like lazy sundays and rain and hot chocolate. I like meeting interesting people. I love expressing my opinions. I love art of almost all kinds. I love stories, both hearing them and telling them. I love helping people because I know what it’s like to need help and not have it. At my core I’m still that kid who has this weird, naive, optimism underneath the cynicism I’ve developed. I want to be someone who can reach other people. I want to leave my mark on this world. I believe that people deserve to be helped.  I believe the majority of people want to do good, but the world is made up of black and white that blends into shades of grey, and in those shades of grey lies a murky morality that threatens to consume the foundation of who I consider to be “me.”

That’s what truly terrifies me about the future. I’m not scared of failure, failure is just another step in growth, a learning process. I’m not afraid of not knowing something, that just means that I have an opportunity to learn. What I am afraid of  is becoming losing myself on my route to success. I’m afraid of becoming someone I’m ashamed to be, and I accept that. Fear is just another part of the human mind. Change is inevitable, but I’ll do everything in my power to make sure that be the best person I can be. I will carry my childlike imagination and demeanor to the grave. If I can do that, it means that I’ve won. It will mean that I’ve was able to remember how to swim, at least.