May 4 Update

Hey everyone. Today was rough for me. Well, it's more accurate to say that a lot of things over the last few years built up and today was part of the result. For a while now there have been parts of my life that I was unhappy about, but I'd keep it bottled up and generally try to distract myself somehow. And usually it'd work. A few hours or a day later I'd be able to go about my usual day and be okay. But the unhappiness became more and more frequent.

Two days ago I had a somewhat unusual dream. In some ways, that dream was part of what set me off today. What happened in the dream is rather personal, but the reason the dream is important is that during that dream was the happiest I had felt in probably at least a few months. Waking up was awful. I streamed that day like normal, and I don't know if anybody could tell, but I was on the verge of tears for probably the first 3 or 4 hours of that stream. Honestly, it was painful.

Today I gave into those feelings. I left my apartment to "go home". I don't know if other people are the same way, but while I was at school it sometimes felt weird to use "home" to refer to where I grew up. If anything, I felt most at home in my dorm with my friends! And after leaving school I felt that as long as I found someplace that I belonged that I would call that my home. Today I used home to mean my parents' house.

What this means for you guys reading is that I'm going to not be streaming for an undetermined amount of time. I hope you believe me when I say that it's hard to say that. If there was one thing that made me want to keep bottling everything up it was to keep my stream going. But at the end of the day, I felt very similar to how I felt right before leaving Dropbox. By leaving, I felt then like I would be letting my team down (although to an extent I felt like I had already started to let them down). And now, I feel like I'm letting my stream viewers down, especially since it's so soon after I got partnered. But by staying, I'm letting myself down. If I keep doing what I'm doing, all that can possibly happen is that these feelings become even more intense. Leaving Dropbox was a big relief for me, and I hope that this decision will be similar.

I don't know when I'll be back. I have no plans right now.

As for the blog post that I was expecting to write today...well, it's not written. I had a topic and general outline planned so if I get the motivation I might end up writing it sometime soon.