Kavi's Note

hello,

this notepad was written for the scheduled video

if you're reading this, i have killed myself.
this isn't a threat. it's a message of certainty.
if my attempt fails, then i'll have pulled this video from being scheduled to go up. it's scheduled to go up a few days after my attempt - so if I fail and have somehow ended up in hospital, then i'll have enough time to stop it going live.

why did i do it? well. there's a few main reasons i'll be going over here

number one seems paradoxical - i got what i wanted. at least what i thought i wanted. i have my own community with positivity hypno and the surrounding servers. i have creative control. i have enough money to survive, if not much.
but i'm not happy. i'm as miserable as ever. i feel lost, and alone, even though i'm surrounded by people i love and people that love both me and my work.
and yet i'm still hated.

nothing of my past has ever gone away. none of the mistakes i've made, none of the people i've unintentionally hurt, none of the things that have happened to me.
nothing can make up for the the damage that has been done to me.

which leads into number two - the british care system is fucked. it taught me from the second i was thrown in at the age of 13 that i do not matter. that nothing i do matters. i am a number, a statistic.

i went from being one of the most promising students in my school of 1200 to being just another kid of the system. i was pulled from schooling until they finally after nine months found me a school and by that point the damage had been done.

i'd been raped, abused, and the staff at the care home knew about it and did nothing. wasn't their job apparently.

i needed help. i turned to the internet. i was outcast for my instability, told to go seek help when the council wouldn't provide it for me because "that's my carers' job".

and i know that my method of suicide (heroin+ketamine overdose) will mark me down as just another dead addict. they couldn't be further from the truth.

i got clean. this day as of me writing this is day three of a relapse and it'll be the last day because i'll be gone.

number three - i don't think i'll ever be truly happy again.

some of my happiest moments in life are when i talk to icy, squirrel, swift, surprise. and then the time ends, and i'm back to work dealing with drama.

other happy moments for me are when i'm actually working on my files - which seems to be impossible with so much drama circulating that i have to try and patch up.

i have no real time to be happy anymore. my relationships are falling apart because i don't have the time or energy to maintain them.

i'm falling apart because i don't have the time or energy to maintain myself.

so i'm leaving the world. i'm leaving, and i'm leaving content, with the body feeling no pain or connection to reality as it shuts down.

i'm leaving surrounded by my tulpa family, who i have kept blissfully unaware of what is about to happen as i do not wish for them to die in fear.

some of you may be reading this and be angry and wish to place fault.
some of you may be reading this and feel as if it is your fault.
it is not.

nothing in particular, and no-one in particular, pushed me to this. it's a culmination of everything fucked up in my life up to this point and my own guilt and emotions for my own mistakes.

i was too strong for any one person to knock me down, i went through and survived too much.

i was whittled down over time and pushed over the edge.

my friends. my pets. my lovers. i love you all and will continue to remember you into my final moments, and into whatever there is beyond life. please never think that you weren't enough for me to want to live. this is not your faults. you guys are the reason i was able to survive as long as i did.

i'm sorry everyone that will miss me.
i'm sorry everyone that will miss my tulpae.
i wish i could egocide without being saved.

but my story has to end some day.
-hopscotch.