MLR Miniseries 2: Ow, My Face

MLR Miniseries 2: Ow, My Face

>day [spoiler]boring[/spoiler] in Equestria
>the inevitable routine swallows you once more
>sleep, food, hang out with whatever p0ne was available
>you can't lie, even for an old rusting fart like you, this was pretty good
>Vinyl's success with your nigh-endless music banks meant you didn't really have to work
>but today
>today was just boring
>RD had some Wonderbolts practice to attend to
>as usual, she'd be too bushed to hang out after
>Twilight was busy with these next-level difficult lessons
>magic or something
>Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity and Pinkie were going to New P0nyville to begin their plans for their new homes
>Dash would just have her house floated over and Twilight would undoubtedly take up residence in whatever library sprang up in the new town
>maybe you could go see Dash at her practice
>wait, she was with the Wonderbolts now, not just a usual practice
>not only would you probably not be allowed entry, but you'd just be in the way or something
>damn
>alcohols?
>you shake the thought away
>better not become a rampant alcoholic again, they didn't hand out spare human livers in Equestria
>Tan and Graphs were busy with their Changeling cure
>they said it was about half done; they needed more stuff off-world but right now had to do some SCIENCE with what they had gathered
>something to do with the process procedure and the temporal location relative to the other off-world shit they needed
>they'd lost you a bunch of times but what was important was that it didn't put Equestria in danger and it would work out for the Changelings sometime soon
>next off-world mission had been planned in a few months
>world had been scouted out, it was neat; time flowed a bit differently over there so the trip would be tricky but you'd blow up that bridge when you'd come to it
>you kinda wish you had something to do today, though
>knocking at the door?
>oh goodie
>you scramble to your feet
>you had been sitting on your couch upside down, flailing around in boredom
>you open the door, looking down as the usual p0ne's head was waist-high
>you're met with a crotch
"What"
>you look up, suit pants, dress shirt, tie, human face
"If this is the Changeling from three doors over..." you say
>the buggers liked pranks
"Mr. Anonymous, this is about the six hundred and eighty two thousand, three hundred and fifty four counts of copyright infringement and intellectual property theft, one count of corporate theft, one assault, various private property damages for an apartment that was partially stolen and destroyed, health care fraud and destruction of a health care facility..." replies the near-perfect looking man in front of you
>no, this can't be!
"WOLFRAM AND HAAAAAAAAAAAAART!!!" you yell
>jumping back, you grab your Mossberg 590A1 off the wall and rack it
"THIS IS FOR ILLYRIA!"
*gunfire*
>he crumbles and groans
>the moans turn into unholy growls
>he starts transforming into a huge demon
>you keep firing but the damage seems to only fall on his clothing now
>you drop the shotgun and look towards the M14 across from you, on the wall
>the demon breathes in and fires flames from his mouth, engulfing you before you reach the rifle
>you wake up with a spasm
>being upside down on the couch, you fall over unceremoniously
>the racket you kick up when you hit the ground is impressive
"Ouuuch..."
>the good little mare living in the apartment below knocks on her ceiling
"Sorry..." you say a bit louder
>this seems to appease your neighbor on the floor under you
>sitting down properly, you blink your nap-sleepiness away
>8/10 dream, admitted to yourself
>not a 10/10 because you would have reached for the M14 first; those lawyers are usually tougher than they look
>seriously though, there is nothing to do
>an envelope on your table catches your eye again
>you remembered it
>picking it up, you examine it
>fancy paper and printing, royal invites were pretty classy
>you'd gotten this before going off-world with Twilight, Rainbow and Tan that time
>wait
>the date
>oooh shit
>the fucking date
>these horses didn't write their dates dd/mm/yyyy
>fuck fuck fuck
>it was tonight, not next month
>you had to look presentable for tonight
>tonight being in four hours
>you did have your awesome as fuck, absurdly pink suit
>you couldn’t wear that thought
>the royalty probably wouldn't be able to dealw/it
>okay, first you would need bits
>no trouble, bag of bits wasn't hard to find
>then you had to get a suit
>Rarity!
>is in New P0nyville
>stay calm
>it's only some high class political meeting or something
>to be honest you didn't really know what the invite was requesting your presence for
>vague shit
>no matter
>they're bound to have clothing stores up here; it's Canterlot
>you rush out of your house
>then you rush back in
>showering would be a good idea
>you're out in 360 seconds
>lezdodis
>first store didn't do custom tailoring; big franchises didn't exactly have seamstresses or tailor on hand
>second place was expensive
>not that price was too much of an issue but they were really, really expensive
>like “you could get a house or a really nice suit” expensive
>third place didn't seem to understand what you were and how to wrap clothing around it
>you were running out of time
>you rush back to your place and grab the pink suit
>the fourth store seemed pretty empty
>good
>you rush in and explain you need a copy of the pink suit in black
>that you would give them this bag of bits if they made it before 6 this evening
>the mare ponying the cash rushes to the back
"Boss!  Boss!  We got us a customer, he needs one of these quickly, do you think you can do it?
>they're happy to get a customer?
>this doesn't bode well
>you crane your neck
>the plump mare you were talking to is speaking directly into the wrinkly ear of an ancient, hunched over p0ny
>almost completely gray and white, it mumbles something and the mare rushes back
"We'll do it" she says with confidence
"Are you sure...  Ummm...  That you're up to the task?" you say
>she assures you it'll be ready and done well
>okay, it's not like you have much of a choice, no time to try to find somep0ny else
>you sit down and wait
>the shop looks ancient
>hole in the wall type of place, every square inch covered in something that is tagged for sale
>prices look reasonable
>you wonder why the shop isn't more popular
>might just be the competition
>not ten minutes before 6, the homely little p0ny waddles over with your new suit
>you spring up and hurriedly thank her before throwing the money pouch up at her and taking off
>you run right back into the store use their changing room
>a Changeling nearly startles himself stupid when you burst in and starts waving angrily at you
>you walk out of the Changeling room and walk into the changing room next to it
>the bitter, punny taste still in your mouth, you thank them again and head for Canterlot Castle
>thankfully you aren't late and the cool evening air stops you from getting too hot as you approach the castle grounds
>the suit isn't too bad
>material is a little rougher than the previous one's
>hopefully it won't chafe or anything
>you'd be sitting and/or standing all evening so chafing probably won't be an issue
>all in all, this could have gone worse
>a guard mechanically steps out, probably having repeated the motion hundreds of times already tonight
"May I see your tic-
>he freezes and stiffens to attention, suddenly seeing you weren't the usual quadruped
"Sir, please go through, sir!" he barks in a disciplined manner
>you almost leap out of your skin
"A-a-at ease" you reply, getting your shit back together
"Sir." he acknowledges, his shoulders slacking ever so slightly
>you set your hand on his pauldron
"Don't need to call me "sir", buddy"
>he goes completely stiff
>you decide to walk off before you give him a heart attack or something
>hopefully this wouldn't happen again
>felt pretty bad, man
>you're directed towards the main conference room
>two guardponies open the massive, ornate doors
>well this is odd
>no table or flocks of fancy, high class p0ni
>just a huge, empty room
>no furniture or anything of any kind, just the usual castle floors, walls and ceilings
>what
>you turn around, raising a hand, about to question the location you've been led to but the doors closes with a clunk
"Anonymous" says somep0ny behind you
>you turn back to the room that was puzzling you
"Princess Luna?" you say
>the night Princess slowly nods
"I'm glad you're here" she replies
>you're quiet for a moment
"Sorry there Princess, but what's going on?  I get an invite to a fancy meeting of some sort and they walk me to this room.  Kinda confused, you see..." you say
>Luna walks over
"You...  You've forgotten?" she says, looking hurt
>you raid your mind for any recollection of a memory that would shed some light on your situation and that would explain what Luna is talking about
"Uuuhhh..." you say
>nope, your mouth did you not really find the answer you were looking for
"Our promise..." she says, quietly, looking down
>this is not going well
>had you promised her something?
>you had no memory of anything like this
>maybe it's when you were shitfaced for like two weeks
>maybe she'd tried to comfort you
>oh shit you really hoped that you didn't do anything stupid
>that was it, wasn't it
>she'd come to your apartment when you'd been in your alcoholism month
>one of those days where you were black out drunk
>she'd probably tried to tell you how it hadn't been your fault or something and some alcohol fueled romance and begun
>you really need to remember what this is about before you piss off a fucking p0ny Princess
"Uuuhhh..."
>damn it mouth, that's not the correct answer to this
>you were so fucked
>she probably wanted commitment
>actual dating time, wedding plans
>you were so completely fucked
>not that you didn't like the Princess
>you really did like her, even if you had not spent too long with her
>what time you two had spent together had told you more about each other than you knew about other p0nies that you saw every day
>time in battle, fighting side by side
>that had taught you volumes about Luna
>but this was different
>it was too soon, too much!
>you couldn't really settle down, you probably couldn't even give her children...
>well Tan might be able to help
>no, that wasn't right
>you didn't truly love her like that
>you feel like you would hurt the Princess whatever you did
>you had to stop this and resolve this situation before it got out of hand
>you had no choice
>swallowing, you prepare yourself for all of the horrible things she would probably say something like "Why, Anonymous?  Didn't you love me?"
>you would pay for your mistakes
"Luna, I..." you start
"Our promise for a rematch, Anonymous" she says, her hurt expression dropping off and turning into a slightly cocky one
>you freeze for a second
"Okay then, here I go; no magic, no guns" she says
>she spins around
"Wait what" you say
>you know when your brain is just in full stop
>like there are no thoughts, it's just stuck in place
>that's what you're like right now
>turned away from you, she bucks you square in the stomach
>you're kicked a good six feet back, the impact folding you pretty much over
>you crumple after rolling a few times
>you remember excruciating pain in mid-air
>curling around your stomach in the fetal position, you can't scream
>no air is coming in or out
>it hurt enough that you didn't mind suffocating that much; the discomfort of needing to breathe was just washed out by the terrible burning torture in your gut
>you puke and pass out
>you wake up
"...us...  Anonymous...  Anonymous?"
>it's Luna
"Oh good, you're okay.  You stopped moving for a few seconds, I was worried.  Do you give up?" she says, a little smile on her lips
>she really got over her old speech habits
>you would congratulate her if your stomach wasn't killing you right now
"Wait, wait...  I think I'm okay...  Gimme a sec" you say, getting to your feet
>that sucked pretty bad
>you pull your shirt up
>two big red hoofmarks on your gut
>nothing broken
>but it didn't look like you were bleeding internally
>you'd need some payback for that
>kicking you out of nowhere
>to be honest, she had warned you but you simply hadn't been expecting the rematch
>you remembered the night you'd met the Princess
>thinking she had been the Changeling Queen
>the previous evening with your six friends had been a bonding "story swapping" night, where they had filled your head with their exploits over various evils, notably one of a dark "Changeling Queen"
>you'd wounded her and the ensuing Root skirmish had put you in a tight spot with Luna; you'd told her that she was free to challenge you to a rematch
>had been more of a way to get her back on her feet than anything
>now you were pretty pissed
>you try to loosen up over the gut shot
"Bring it" you cough
>Luna grins and charges
>she starts to flip around, going for another buck
>oh no she don't
>halfway in her turn, you doorkick her right in the ribs
>she cowtips right over, groaning loudly
>you move to get on top of her as she's rolled on her back
>you're about to bring down a hammer fist but she flexes her wings and lifts herself towards you, front hoofing you in the mouth
>blood in your mouth
>you hook her in hers
>with another powerful wing contraction, she pushes you off her
>you regain your balance and she lands on her hooves
>you're both panting a little, eyes locked together
>she keeps her footwork pretty light, but she approaches cautiously
>you jab, your reach exceeding hers
>you take more steps forward, sending a jab to keep her eyes occupied
>stepping forward aggressively, you jab once to get your feet where you want them
>your left hand still obstructing her vision, you're already putting your legs into the straight
>as the left fist comes back, your right straight lands solidly on her snout with a crunch
>your knuckles go numb
>her head snaps back, blood coming down both nostrils
>the princess moans and coughs, shaking her head
>she rears back on her hooves and brings her front right down on your left shoulder
>really hard
>pound for pound, p0nies were strong as fuck
>your left arm seems to go numb, dead almost
>you struggle to keep it up
>another good straight to the face
>she takes it well with a block, a foreleg absorbing most of the blow
>her other hoof hooks around and smashes into your eye
>the meaty one
>you rush in and clinch down
>you both wrestle, breathing hard
>she sets a hoof down, becoming more stable than you with three points of contact
>Luna twists her upper body and throws you down, coming on top of you
"YAAAAAAAARRRR!!!" she yells
>her front hooves stomp down as you bring your forearms to defend your face
>you kick up, getting her in the ribs again
>she winces, her showering blows stopping for a moment
>you kick her in the leg and see her grit her teeth
>she stumbles back, falling, the leg you hit isn't supporting her weight and she lands on her haunches
>you get back up, wiping your face with your sleeve
>suit is ripped in many places, splotches of blood and sweat on the shirt
>Luna's starting to rise, tentatively putting weight on the right leg you kicked
>you both face off again
>breathing really hard
>she lowers her head and charges, horn spearing out
>you grab it and punch her in the face with all your might
>she falls forward
>did you win?
>nope
>only on the ground for one reason
>the princess twists around and with a wing flap, she's moved to aim her hindquarters at you
>oh shi-
>the rear hooves buck out again and you catch them
>one in the left forearm, the other in the left shoulder
>you can't move that arm any more
>blood runs down your left hand's fingers from up your sleeve
>you're both at the end of your stamina
>Luna's nose is bleeding profusely, a little swollen and crooked
>you both have a swollen, bloody eye that's puffed up closed
>your mouth is a mess of cut lips and blood
>you both lunge towards each other
>she hoofs you in the chest
>you elbow her face
>another clinch
>this time your stance is wide
>she stomps down on your foot
>you fall but you manage to take her down with you
>rolling on the floor with the Princess, you hit at anything dark blue as you feel her hooves crash into your body
>she traps your right arm between her forelegs
>armlock!
>she starts putting muscle into it, and you feel your elbow joint protest
>she has no mechanical advantage in this lock, only muscle
>Luna's face is close to yours, you both pant and groan
>you headbutt her in the nose and she yelps out
>the lock falters for a second, but comes back with even more intensity
"Give...  Up..." she groans
"No...  Youuu..." you reply, headbutting again
>Luna's strength wanes
>you headbutt again, but your power is fading
>she tries to squeeze your arm more as you try to headbutt her
>you both end up collapsing in heaps, breathing like overworked horses
"Tie..."
"Tie..."
"Best two out of three?"  she says
>you start laughing
>it takes you both a good ten minutes to calm down and sit back up
>you snort and chuckle at her swollen, bloody face
>she gently hoofs you in the arm
"That...  That was a good rematch, Anon.  Nop0ny else in Equestria will spar with me..." she says
"I wonder why...  They probably don't like getting their asses kicked this bad" you groan, gingerly poking your swollen face
"You didn't do that poorly...  I mean look at my face..." she says, gently massaging her equally mangled features
"Yeah Princess...  You look like I feel..."  you reply, trying to smile
>your torn lips prevent you from smiling, instead you make an absurd grimace
>it's her turn to laugh at you
>she starts coughing
"Come on, let's get cleaned up" you say, groaning to your feet
>you help her up, her right leg is a little twisted
>holding out your right arm, she holds it and steadies herself
>you end up supporting her as she steadies you on your feet
"Hey Luna, did you ever hear the one about the three soldiers?" you say, dispelling the silence
"So this Russian, English and American soldier are sitting in a camp..." you start
>the both of you slowly stumble and limp your way over to the door
"The Russian says "In Mother Russia, we are given three thousand calories of food per day"" you continue, putting on your best Russian accent
>the accent was horrible but Luna probably didn't really know what Russians sounded like so it was okay
"The Englishman boasts "Back in Britain, we are given six thousand calories of food per day"" you say with whatever most posh brit accent you can come up with through your cut up lips
"The Russian looks impressed.  The American scoffs and says "Bah, what's so great about that?  The United States of America give us nine thousand calories""
>Luna looks at you, anticipating the punchline
>you put your hand on the door
"Then the Russian says "Impossible!  No man can eat that much cabbage in a day!"
>you both burst out laughing as you push the door open
>in front of you are hundreds of impeccably dressed p0nies politely chatting over an impressive Smörgåsbord
>Celestia, along with a table full of royal consultants and the political elite of Equestria followed by the most important flock of p0nies that would make Rarity faint on her very hooves all freeze on the spot as you both burst in, bloody and beaten from head to toe, laughing like idiots
"Howdy folks"
>you sneeze, spraying some poor mare in a previously impeccable snow-white dress
>a messy, large blob of clotted blood splats noisily on the floor
"...  lovely party" you finish
>you black out
>it turns out that this wasn't how you were supposed to break the ice at a royal event
>Luna and you are sitting in Celestia's room, holding bags of ice against your faces
"I was so worried!  I had invited you both for good reasons and I was about to send the Royal Guard out to find you, I had started wondering if anything had happened to you both..." continues the older Princess
>you're about to open your mouth, maybe try to say something to excuse your actions to Celestia but the Princess continues, cantering in circles
"And you're both so hurt all over!  I didn't expect this from you, Anonymous...  Luna, I'm very disappointed in you...  I can't believe you were fighting like this...  What if you had both been seriously hurt?  Fighting of all things..." says Celestia
>you do what Luna is doing
>you just hang your head and remain quiet
>she seems to have practice with her sister in this situation
"So what do you have to say for yourselves?"
>you both pause, looking even lower than before, both heads bowed
"Sorry, Princess Celestia..." you say
"Sorry, sister..." says Luna
>Luna was sent to her room
>you were sent to your apartment
>no supper
>you were sore for a week
>today was a young ruffian day