The Mind Addling Adventures of The Duke of Incest

Our story begins with a group of adventurers living in the medieval kingdom of Larion. The kingdom is filled with small villages and thatched cottages and has been relatively peaceful until now. The adventurers are on a quest to find the magical staff of Zalos. They walk through the forest and notice a band of mountain dwarves. The dwarves are friendly and offer them food and drink. Then one of the dwarves turns to them and
 says "Welcome to the home of Smergaz the Destroyer!"

Welcome to the Land of Nol. This is a world of magic, mystery, and danger.

The Duke of Incest looks at his sister, with a deep longing in his eyes. His pants bulge and he quickly moves his leg to cover his boner. He then looks at Urist McDagger, and his boner instantly vanishes. This is why The Duke of Incest even kept Urist around. He was great at killing boners.

"I'm very sorry for your loss, but I'm not your son." The Duke of Incest says.

"What the fuck are you talking about, you crazy bugger," Urist asks angrily. "No shit you aren't my son, you're the Lord of Incest's firstborn, and we've been over this before. However, I thank you for your addle minded condolences, as I can't seem to find the bottle I stashed in my backpack earlier today."

"You're drunk again."
"So what if I'm fucking drunk again, last I heard it was a fucking free country. Why the fuck are you bothering me anyway?"
"We need your help,"

"Help with what?" Urist slurs, flinging spittle everywhere like the putrid shithead he is. "Do I look like some kind of miracle worker?
 Why don't you go pester the wizard or whatever that flaming faggot is? He lives in the tower over there.
 Go bother him."

The Duke of Incest's Sister, Stephanie, leans over looking past The Duke of Incest at Urist and says, "Honestly Urist you're a homophobic, alcoholic, angry shithead. That being said I think that wizard can actually help us." The Duke of Incest, without a word, walks over to the man Urist pointed out and asks,
 "Are you the wizard that can help us?"
"Yes," the man says, "I'm Keith Flamecannon, disciple of Ignus.

"His name is fucking Flamecannon?!" Urist hollers. "This is exactly the kind of shit I will not tolerate. Fuck you Keith
, and fuck your flaming dick, why the hell do you have a name like that?"
Ignoring Urist's ramblings, Keith asks, "What can I help you with?"
"We want you to freeze my son into an ice cube. He was just declared dead, so we don't want a resurrection or anything.

"You don't have a son, Duke," Urist sighs, "that was your pet gerbil. Fucking retard." Stephanie just shakes her head, she'd never understand how she came out so normal and her brother came out so fucked up. At least The Duke of Incest wasn't ugly to boot.

Suddenly Flamecannon laughs and says "Did you find Allitnim the gerbil in your son's backpack? I was wondering what had happened to it. I used to have one too, but I was a young apprentice at the time and my master insisted that we dispose of them since they were considered to be pests."

"Aye, pests they are." Urist mumbles. "When I was a little one I'd smash 'em like
 spiders. Their little tails are excellent chew toys, and if you cook 'em right they aren't half bad either."
"Ignus would be proud of your environmental friendliness," Flamecannon says while rolling his eyes, "but I'm afraid I can't help you bring your son back to life.

The Duke of Incest smiled, but a single tear fell from his eye. He looked at the man and said in a hushed tone, "Listen, Keith, you see that girl over there, that's my sister, Stephanie. I really, really, really want to fuck her but she has denied me for years. Do you know any love magic that would... you know... get her in the mood?" "I heard that you sick fuck," Stephanie says angrily, "Keith I will let Urist beat the shit out of you if you do anything my brother asks."

"Yeah, I wasn't planning on it," Flamecannon says, "Urist, get the fuck out of here. You're not wanted. If you try to do anything stupid, my disciple and I will make sure that you suffer worse than being turned into a pile of ice."
"Well it was worth a shot,"

In this moment, Urist snapped. He wasn't going to let some bitchmade wizard tell him what to do. He drew his axe and charged the human filth, aiming the weapon directly between the wizard's eyes.
His body was struck with a powerful bolt of lightning, his flesh charred and black as the very coal mines he had worked in. His muscles spasmed from the electric shock that coursed through his body, causing him to drop to his knees.

Keith, thinking he had killed Urist, began to laugh, but was quickly silenced when Urist got back up. "Oh fuck," Urist mumbled, mostly to himself, "that really fucking hurt!" "What the actual fuck?!" Keith exclaims, just as The Duke of Incest stabs him in the heart with his phallically shaped sword. "No one hurts my friends, " The Duke of Incest said. Keith falls to his knees and keels over, sputtering "what... what the fuck..." as he dies.

"You fucking dick," Urist says, "now I'm going to have to suffer through your shitty music in the underworld."
"Whatever, let's just burn these fuckers and be done with it."
He finds large bundles of hay and straw and sets the corpse on fire.

Urist admired his handiwork, the little shithead always did have a fascination with death, and all that entails. "
Now let's go home, I'm fucking thirsty.

"But we have to find a bucket, and a mop!" The Duke exclaimed. "What the fuck are you on about, Duke?" Urist snapped back. "For my sister's WAP!" Stephanie slapped The Duke of Incest in the face and said, "Shut up you disgusting troglodyte!" Urist busted out laughing and exclaimed, "
 Troglodyte?! " He doubled over in laughter.
"Yeah," The Duke of Incest said, "it's a new drink I've invented. Want some?"
"Sure thing, son.

"Wait... You're my dad?!" The Duke asked hopefully. "Not this shit again..." Urist sighed with annoyance, his laughter fading. Stephanie just shook her head. "Let's just go home so Urist can get plastered again, I guess," she said.

"Sure thing, Steph," Urist says, "Come on, let's go home."

--END OF CHAPTER ONE--