Magician's Library

BOOK LIST FROM THE MAGICIAN'S LIBRARY

NOTICE:
"Now, in the news. After several months of protests from ordinary Night Vale citizens of stout and sturdy character, the City Council has announced several improvements for the public library. These improvements are the following: an entrance is being constructed at the front of the building, so we will no longer have to enter by waking up between two shelves in a dizzy haze, unsure of how we got there, and then wandering around, trapped, until we wake with a start in our own beds, covered with sweat, and with a few books we checked out on our nightstand. Drinking fountains are being installed in the lobby, as well as dunking chambers, and a state-of-the-art fainting pool. Librarian repellent dispensers are being placed throughout the building. Remember, if approached by a librarian, keep still. Do not run away. Try to make yourself bigger than the librarian. Finally, the children’s section is getting beanbag chairs. That is all.



(1) 1000 Ways of Brain Sautees.
(2) To Love and to Mourn: A Slime Tale
(3) Tactical Genius and You: The Foundations of Command by Ursakar E. Creed
(4) To Serve Man
(5) Mostly Armless: An Autobiography by Abaddon the Despoiler
(6) The Dwarven legal code
(7) The King in Yellow
(8) A Treatise on the Proper Production of Toilet Seats in the Kingdom of [indecipherable]
(9) On the Proper Use of Explosive Runes
-Every page is written in explosive runes.
(10) The Book of Lorgar, volume 5071
(11) Monocle-Wearing Man: The Gentleman's Magazine
(12) Bear Lore Volume XVII
(13) A number of books by an author that refer to each other, but have no actual content, titled "Academica". You need at least 5000 volumes.
(14) The Proper Usage of BEES
(15) The History of Books
(16) D&D 573rd Edition
(17) Freddie Mercury's "The Show Must Go On: My Journeys Beyond the Mortal Coil"
(18) Underwater Scrimshaw Carving vol. 18
(19) How to Made Books out of Human Flesh (make it leather-bound)
(20) Tidal Changes and You: A Self-Help guide by Doctor Octopus
(21) Faking Compassion for the Grumpy Adventurer
(22) To Hurt a Dragon's Feelings
(23) A Nymph's Guide to Flirtation
(23) I didn't Mean to Burn Down those Villages, an Adventurer's Autobiography
(24) The Sorceress and the Sexy Highlander
(25) Complete Combined Alphabets of the Universe, in Alphabetical order.
(26) On the Flesh, or: 25 ways to make use of human skin
(27) Terrasque,or The Matter, Form and Power of a Common Wealth Magical and Material
(28) Great Dwarven love poetry of our century, Vol. 24
(29) From the Roots: A documentation about the growth of grass.
(30) On the proper and reasonable use of magical ink (the book appears to be empty)
(31) The Childhood Journal of the BBEG
(32) Emergence: Contemporary Readings in Philosophy and Science.
(33) The Collected Works of Edgar Allen Poe (opening the book unleashes a swarm of ravens trapped in its pages)
(34) The Radenian Patience
(35) A comprehensive Guide to Navigating Parallel Dimensions
(36) Human Evolution, Anthropocene Era to the New Corporal Period
(37) ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA: Volume 380, Eerie to Eeriooticide.
(38) Voynich Manuscript: The Annotated Linear A Translation.
(39) A mathematical treatise predicting the end of the world to fall on a specific date in the near future, in indecipherable notation based on "Fatilary Calculus"
(40) A thick, multi-volume book carefully annotating the precise location and condition of every organ and organ part in a specific human body, down to detailed and precise charts of biochemical activity over a ten-second period.
(41) A leather-bound book giving the value of Omega (a number which has been proven impossible to mathematically compute, but if known would allow us to conclusively and logically answer any question and solve the Halting Problem) to a million decimal places.
(42) A copy of Borge's The Library of Babel
(43) A complex and detailed series of maps for a country that does not exist, written in a script that does not exist, and which happens to look exactly like the PC's world if you inverted land with sea.
(44) A set of assembly instructions for a Universe, written in modern English. Sadly, many of the directions contain unusual and unexplained technical jargon and the rest involve ludicrously difficult steps involving the arrangement of neutron stars or other astronomical objects.
(45) Zen and the Art of Golem Maintenance
(46) The Illustrated Macguffin Map, Third Edition
(47) Self-Referencing Hypercubes for Dummies
(48) I Am Empire (and So Can You)
(49) 1001 Uses for Telekinesis
(50) Tomas Tezlas and the Atomic Dragon
(51) Breaching the Astral Barrier Through Force of Will and Living to Tell About It
(52) This Book Contains Itself
(53) Vast, Unspeakable, Edible Horrors
(54) How to Summon a Librarian
(55) Directory of Worlds Accessible Through Sub-Gate 191 on Level AAAA45
(56) The Anatomy of Extradimensional Beings
(57) The +5 Book of Slaying
(58) Cannibal Hymns
(60) A novel written entirely in the second person plural in a very peculiar tense. As best you can make out, it's a love story, but none of the idioms or anatomy involved make sense.
(61) A book containing a beautifully rendered copy of the book's cover illustration, with increasingly poor renderings of that illustration iterated successively over the pages.
(62) The complete biography of an atom of a short-lived isotope, detailing every quantum interaction in exquisite detail and stretching out its 10-millisecond lifetime to six volumes.
(63) A physics textbook written for a world with physics totally unlike ours, but written in a style just like modern textbooks. A creepy religious subtext pervades throughout.
(64) A manual on the psychology of bees, and how to use dance and coded signals to communicate with them, express abstract concepts, and convince them to produce materials other than honey and wax.
(65) "THE LANGFORD PARROT AND YOU: A COMPLETE COMPENDIUM OF DEATH SIGILS AND COGNITIVE OVERRIDE IMAGERY - THE UNEXPURGATED FULL-ILLUSTRATION EDITION"
(66) A longwinded rant about the mating habits and reproductive processes of abstract mathematical functions.
(67) Humans and how to pluck them from other dimensions.
(68) A 403 page reference book for other dimensional beings. It features a large section on human types and the dimensions of origin, including one where all of the humans have whale like gills on their torsos.
It reads more like a instructional book than a reference book.
(69) Reservoir dogs (A novelization):  A novel series involving a film involving reservoir water particles. It involves huge groups of germ criminals battling against the evil forces of Rust as they attempt to keep the reservoir up forever.
(70) Double trouble:  A comic book involving a man who generates a doppleganger after going into a portal. The doppleganger attempts to ingrate into the man's life in obtrusive ways before the man snaps and hangs his double from a tree. The comic is presented with ads involving how to kill your double and support groups for those with dead doubles.  It includes a hand written dedication from a man named Hiram to a person named Cecil thanking him for a great night out.
(71) Overlord Quasar: An autobiography:  A biography to an atom particle named Quark. it is written in esperanto and it appears to be a very rough first draft. It details the life of an atom particle from his duplication to his success as a piece of dark matter.
(72) Tattúínárdǿla Saga:  A tale of hope, an empire, and a return.
(73) A manual on the art of shield dueling
(74) Planeswalking for Dummies
(75) Bound in human skin, a cookbook for delicious pies. Without human ingredients. They're really just perfectly normal pies.
(76) The collected journals of an individual as he/she experienced the last Big Crunch and universal reset.
(77) A hololith displaying a starmap. None of the constellations or galaxies resemble those found in the observable universe.
(78) The Complete History of Corvis Minor, hollowed out with a blaster pistol tucked inside.
(79) A book titled How To Save The World From Evil. It's a false book containing a pistol and one bullet.
(80) A cookbook containing five thousand recipes involving rocks.
(81) A book containing precisely 1,024 proofs demonstrating the inconsistency of mathematics by proving some contradiction - that 1=2, P = !P, the equality of Pi and e, or similar conclusions. Each proof is flawed, but they become harder to spot over time.
(82) A detailed explanation of various "common technologies" , each based on a scientific principle that simply doesn't exist - the "planovective force" , that time is really produced by sound, that gravity is actually a process by which hot things attract other hot things, that bismuth and copper are powerfully magnetic to green objects. Equations are provided, as are detailed blueprints and sample problems to work.
(83) A complete account of the American Civil War, which divided the sixty-odd United States of America between the Yanquis, the Federation, and the Baconian Separatists, and the terrible toll it left on the spirit of the nation and the Celtic oil fields.
(84) A(n) [insert organization] worker's manual, which appears corroded by acid
(85) The manual for Chapter Master, which clocks in at a whopping fifty kilos.
(86) Multiple accounts of the Great War, written by historians from the United Colonies of America, the Union of Soviet Space Republics, and the Independent Frontier Confederation.
(87) HIS book of Truth:  A religious text, or rather, an anthology of stories centered around what appears to be some sort of god or demigod only refered to as HIM. The sole purpose of HIM seems to lie in "hooking people in the goobar" if they annoy him. The stories are usually extremely amusing, but it is obvious that their writer was not a man of great orthographic or grammatical skill.
(88) Ships of the Desert:  A book giving detailed instructions on how to tame, ride, breed and otherwise take care of camels. It comes with numerous lovingly drawn illustrations, albeit the author seems to be very single-minded about the animals and dismisses horses and other rideable animals as "mere beasts".
(89) Sus Porcus:  A fantastic if rather disturbing story about a pig that, by devouring humans, would become increasingly similar to a human itself. After eating the twelfth human (a prostitute) and becoming fully human, the former pigs looks into a mirror and promptly commits suicide.
(90) A book containing various essays on the question of how magic should be categorized, and in particular, whether the categorization of magic into elemental (Earth, Air, Fire, Water) and Arcane magic is outdated.
(91) A copy of "The Lusty Argonian Maid". Some of the pages have ugly stains on them.
(92) A stack of papers labelled "The Song that Ends the Universe".
(93) Ludba's Complete Eldritch Primer
(94) A complete and exhaustive collection of phrasebooks in unknown and/or extinct languages.
(95) A Guide to the Stages of Old Ynossos, Part IV
(96) Berel's Pillow Book (it folds out into an actual, quite comfy pillow)
(97) The Zero Sum & You
(98) A large codex of revolutionary battle tactics and implements, written in an incredibly snarky and patronizing tone where it can be understood. Purposely organized for the complete frustration of its reader.
(99) A Farewell to Arms: The Art of Field Amputation
(100) A persuasive and convincing essay written by a Martian explaining why current scientific theory proves life could never have evolved on the Blue Planet; it's too wet, too large, with a magnetosphere far to strong to be survivable and an atmospheric pressure and soil composition quite inhospitable for life, with temperatures far too high, although noting that past presence of world-spanning water ice and evidence of an ancient oxygen-less atmosphere indicate that primitive life may still survive deep down in the poles.
(101) An unusually sticky book bound in black and yellow containing the wotds NOT THE BEES NOT THE BEES over and over again.
(102) How To Make A Weird and Useless Book Which Could Be Found In An Sorcerous Library, by Sir Urkoblad Stropnuvski the Grey Handed, Archjenigar of Truth.
(103) A small book lying in a forgotten corner of the library. It apparently lacks a few pages and have dorrito dust poured on it here and there. Written with a pen and seems unfinished. The margins are full of what seems to be shopping lists and rendezvous reminders.
(104) A treatise on how to write mock ciphers, and how to use these ciphers to write entire books.
(105) A short essay on the absurdity of Atheism written by someone who claims to be a benevolent, omnipotent and omniscient god.
(106) A critique on said essay, exposing flaws in logic of the writer, written by someone who claims to be omnipotent and omniscient god.
(107) Atlas of Unreal Places
(108) The Monstrous Book of Fun (contains the last totally original joke in the universe)
(109) Gods: A spotters Guide
(110) There is a book. It is blank. As you look upon it the pages fill with reddish-brown words. It is your life story, begging to end. It ends when you die of blood-loss to provide ink for the book.
(111) There is a book that can not be opened. It is cold to the touch. Frost forms on the outside. If you are stupid enough to stick your ear to it you can clearly hear the sound of a quill on paper. In the distance you can hear someone sobbing. You now need some warm water because your ear is stuck to the cover.
(112) There is a book that opens its self at regular intervals. On these occasions an eye on a mechanical brass stalk extends itself, looks around and disappears again. The book sounds like a clock. The pages are full of the dates and times the book has opened and also a description of the area surrounding the book on each occasion.
(113) An INTERCAL program, written in vertical boustrodephon style with most variable names translated into Spanish, which if run will generate an infinite number of beautiful artworks and crash most Analytical Engline emulators.
(114) Genocide: A How-To Guide
(115) The diary of a miner who had survived a cave-in only to be cut off from the rest of the world for ten years.
(116) A technical blueprint that seems to portray a fully functional Perpetuum mobile. Unfortunately, some vandals has overwritten parts of it with badly-drawn stickmen who seem to suffer from grossly oversized genitalia.
(117) A list of toilet stall quotes gathered by an adventurer who literally went through heaven and hell.
(118) A patient chart, that in great detail, portrays the patient's life-threatening infection with parasites.
(119) I Have Tasted the Fruit by Prokhor Zakharov
(120) We Must Dissent by Sister Miriam Godwinson
(121) Treatises on the Second Spiral Arm
(122) A long-winded texts on the mind-breaking and horrifying inhabitants of the titular region, and why it must forever be quarantined, lest 'They' spread. It has more than a hint of a Lovecraft-feel, but each pages is written in a spiral.
(123) The Sibylline Books
(124) On Sphere-Making by Archimedes
(125) The Complete Trojan War Cycle
(126) The Complete Collection of Livy's History of Rome.
(127) A hymnbook for the believers of an evil god. Many passages are accompanied with the mark "Sing Louder!".
(128) George, the Failed Butcher
(129) Anatomy of Shiny Birds
(130) The Prophet of Gulireeh
(131) Mysteries of Festogh, Part II
(132) Kings of [insert region]
(133) The Stories of Xizzle the Tourist, Part X
(134) Epple the Shopkeeper
(135) Edward, the Lazy Minister, Volume VIII
(136) The Day I Woke Up As Thomas, the Ridiculous Spider
(137) A History of Gesden
(138) Charles the Blacksmith
(139) I Love Green Vampires
(140) The Definitive Guide to Swimming, Part X
(141) Zealots on Krarages
(142) Mysteries of Sreklerg
(143) The Idiotic Tale of Birgle, the Failed Prince
(144) Drirbus, the Friendly Tourist
(145) James, the Psychotic Alchemist
(146) Michael, the Fancy Monk
(147) Maria, the Sleazy Deity
(148) My Life with Elizabeth, the Awkward Lady
(149) Identifying Imaginary Fossils
(150) The Tale of Michael the Mage
(151) The Warrior From Kalis
(152) Michael, the Fancy Chap
(153) Teaching Yourself How to Be Happy
(154) Bistle, the Crafty Butcher
(155) Who Loves Serious Barbarians?  A rhetorical analysis.
(156) Advanced Techniques for Programming, Tome VIII
(157) How to Make Money
(158) A lengthy historical novel about trickery and treason. All characters, including females, are named Edward.
(159) The concise book of infinity.
(160) Melklar's Compendium of Uses for Human Skin
(161) The Cannibal Cook Book
(162) The Winds of Winter
(163) Alan the Racist Dragon
(164) Attack on Titan:  A historical volume discussing the final battles of the Saturnine Wars, in which the forces of Holy Terra make landfall on the lunar stronghold and cast down the Arch-Tyrant.
The Third Reich's Complete Planning Documents for Operation Barbarossa.
They seem entirely legitimate until you notice the section on the table of contents headed "Thaumaturgical Defenses of the Soviet Union"
(165) Clipped Toenails: An Essay on why John in the next row is a right tit.  (A completely nonsensical rambling about the author's hate on a guy called John. Does however contain tidbits on how to transmute clipped toenails to various useful things.)
(166) Elongate Nature, a book on how to make your pet live longer. Later chapters creep into necromantic territory.
(167) A Complete Listing of Breakfasts, Volumes I-MMMCVI
(168) Charades, a guide in Braille
(169) The Book of Everything
(170) The Goblinoid Database of Everything Purple
(171) The Biography of Gluteus Maximus
(172) Oranges are Orange. Why Bananas are not Called Yellow? A True Story
(173) But There's One They Fear
(174) The Guide to Birds That Don't Fly
(175) Vecna's Book of Secret Secrets
(176) Neverwinter Days
(177) Gray's Sports Almanac 1950-2000 (Do Not Use in Case of Time Travel)
(178) Boom! Headshot
(179) A Link to the Past
(180) A Dummy's Guide to being a God
(181) How I Achieved World Conquest:  An entire shelving unit, containing identically titled volumes from thousands of individuals, as diverse as Martin Luther, Jengis Khan, Morgoth, The God Emperor of Mankind, Montezuma, and Margaret Thatcher. Each seems to be a thorough account of the author's conquest of a world.
(182) A Guide to the Mastery over Chess:  A collection that registers all the possible order of moves in chess, complete with all the possible endings and the answer to the question: who has the advantage: white, black or none?
(183) The Land of the Bookworms:  I know someone already suggested a book that tells the story of the party, but I can't help myself but to second that suggestion by instead suggesting a book that tells multiple tales relating to the library: how it was created, multiple adventurers who have wandered inside it and what will be the faith of the library.
(184) The Epic of Gilgamesh:  Written in the original stone tablets even.
(185) Xxorzz:  A language book that will teach you how to speak gibberish
(186) In Dreams and Madness: My Meetings with the Crawling Chaos
(187) Laughter and slaughter: A practical guide to gnolls politics.
(188) Wiggle-wiggle: 10 reasons why a gelatinous cube should be your mount.
(189) Of lasers and fireballs: A survival guide for wizards stuck in low magic realities.
(190) Mastiomancy: spells for control and shape breasts.
(191) I'm the Best at What I Do and What I Do Ain't Pretty
(192) Have You Seen My Shotgun? Oh Never Mind I'll Just Summon a Thousand More
(193) The History of Socks
(194) Alignments and You
(195) Shooting First - A Guide to Smugglers
(196) A book lying on a table surrounded by skeletons.
(197) A SERIES OF TRAVEL GUIDES TO FICTIONAL LOCATIONS
(198) ''Taming Dragons, Drakes and Wyv-(Rest of title is unreadable due to burns)''
(199) Multi-Volume book detailing the history of an Ant Colony in extraordinary detail
(200) Alternate versions of well-known Religious texts drawn from parallel timelines
(201) Recipe book calling for the use of ingredients that don't actually exist
(202) A book describing how to fabricate advanced technologies, but it's useless because you lack the books it references
(203) History book describing Current and Future events from slightly alternate timelines, written from the perspective of the Party's enemies
(204) Your PC's Diary from an alternate timeline where you did not survive an early adventure
(205) Hassan Bin Jamal's guide to pack animals and pack animal accessories
(206) The wondrous adventures of Boxcar Joe

MORE MAGICAL SHIT, NIGGAH
(1) A snowglob, that contains a pefect replica of some famous in setting city. Including little people running around. The snowglobs replica is 10 minutes behind the actual city.
(2) A bunch of magical items that don't really do anything useful, the implication being that he's still working out the kinks. Maybe a chalkboard scribbled with gibberish notes ("pencil + pipe = ?").
(3) A simple necromantic construct that runs around on several skeletal hands and fetches books. It patrols the library section.
(4) Unseen servant dressing hallway. Step in one end, moving floor rushes you along while unseen servants assembly line your clothes on.
(5) Crotch-height forceful thrust telekinesis traps.
(6) Stack of demonic grimoires in the back of the closet. The succubus chapter is dogeared and stained.
(7) A silver platter and cover that creates anything you want to eat. As long as what you want to eat is meatbread, fried chicken, ice cream, or pretzels. A similar cask nearby produces anything you want to drink so long as that's beer or mulled wine.
(8) A newton's cradle. The balls emit short, tortured screams instead of clicks.
(9) A staff rack. Nearby is a reminder list for what cloaks go with what staves.
(10) A crystal ball with five resettable gems at the base. They're currently set for the local lord's audience chamber, a nearby gentleman's club's stage, a busy intersection in town, a bookshop, and the room the ball is in, from a point about ten feet behind the user.
(11) Stuffed Crocodile, hanging from the ceiling.
(12) Penguin slippers,
(13) a robe and wizard hat on a hat rack,
(14) three boxes, labelled "Heart" "Courage" and "Brain", the courage box is either empty, or testicles.
(15) star charts, scrying orbs, telescopes and extraterrestrial rocks.
(16) beakers, burners and alembics, but also ovens, pantries of dry ingredients and tanks of liquid ones.
(17) enchanting circles and a small armory
(18) A microwave. Like a modern microwave.
(19) Crazy cat lady house shenanigans, except for one cat that's the one guy's familiar. Scratching posts everywhere, some of those oversized hamster tube things ten feet up on the walls, a device that dispenses fish and a general cat theme through the whole place. Little bit creepy.
(20) Enchanting area is going to have whatever is specifically required for enchanting by your system (special table, permanent floor runes or maybe just nice big tables). There is also going to be cabinets of reagents, special tools, and enchantables. Maybe a drawer full of dull bits of metal as a cheap way to practice enchants. Can't touch the residuum(or whatever) with your bear hands, gotta have gloves to handle it, a gold scale to weigh it, and gold plated utensils to work with it. Take that long handled spoon for instance, it's almost three feet long so one can pour the correct amount on the right rune/item or pour in the right patterns across the enchanting surface.

(21) Alchemy will have even more esoteric equipment, but that's typical alchemy shit. Vats of sludge, with bits floating in it. Vials of same color liquids on one rack and multi-color on the next. yadda yadda. The interesting thing about alchemy is the stores of ingredients. There could be barrels of long stiff leaves that none of the players have ever seen, pots of mucous/dry stuff that can only be identified by the markings on them: northern troll foot fungus (powdered), crushed asian beetles(moist, 40% pure wood ash), super rough barks strips of the howling elm, a bunch of pure elements (sand, coal, iron, tin, iodine etc), and plant/animal extracts.