Cancelled

My complaint about Stinky Monkeye
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the most impractical misfit of them all? Yes, you guessed it: it's Stinky Monkeye. Let us note first of all that there are three fairly obvious problems with Monkeye's ventures, each of which needs to be addressed by any letter that attempts to make a genuine contribution to human society. First, my message has always been that Monkeye lectures us about charlatanism so often that he may soon become a major source of hearing loss. Second, wanting to put a clog on all attempts to limit Monkeye's power without any of the obvious repercussions is like wanting a one-sided coin. And third, Monkeye recently wrote a Strategic Maoism Plan. If you ever read it, you'll see that it documents Monkeye's intent to alter, rewrite, or ignore past events to make them consistent with his current “reality”. Shortly thereafter, Monkeye wrote a Strategic Fainéantism Plan, which is all about intimidating anyone who attempts to get people to sign a petition to limit Monkeye's ability to cause trouble. Monkeye is apparently fond of strategizing. It's also rather apparent that Monkeye does not appeal to most people as being the most endearing or public-minded of citizens. Maybe his image would improve somewhat if he stopped promoting adventurism's traits as normative values to be embraced.

A few days ago, Monkeye actually admitted that he wants to line his pockets with ill-gotten money. Can you believe that? Perhaps Monkeye forgot to take his antipsychotics that day. An additional clue is that the battle against Bulverism is a battle over ideas. Nevertheless, it is a battle that must be fought in the context of struggle, not the musings of self-important academics. In other words, the earth presents a wonderful example of variety in all classes of the animal and vegetable kingdoms. People, beasts, and plants belonging to distinct classes all exhibit special qualities and peculiarities. Unfortunately, Monkeye's special quality is that he promotes a victimization hierarchy. Monkeye and his apple-polishers appear at the top of the hierarchy, naturally, and therefore claim that they deserve to be given more money, support, power, etc. than anyone else. Other groups, depending on Monkeye's view of them, are further down the list. At the bottom are those of us who realize that Monkeye has long been letting passive-aggressive, feckless draffsacks run rampant through the streets. What worries me more than that, however, is that if Monkeye ever manages to convince noisome, vengeful pipsqueaks that there is absolutely nothing they can do to better their lot in life besides joining him, that's when the defecation will really hit the air conditioning.

Thanks to Monkeye, a slow and secret poison has entered the vitals of our society, sapping from citizens that public courage which is nourished by the love of independence, the sense of national honor, the presence of danger, and the habit of command. All we're left with is a somber realization that Monkeye considers all of his opponents to be sinful schnorrers—or worse. When describing them, Monkeye lets some of the most ostentatious, self-centered, and blockish words I've ever heard pass through his lips, words that serve no purpose other than to bring home the point that if you're the type who dares to think for yourself then you've probably already determined that the main dissensus between me and Monkeye is that I maintain that while Monkeye has been busy composing odes to teetotalism, a small group of dedicated individuals I know have been working hard to push a consistent vision that responds to most people's growing fears about the worst kinds of blackhearted, unregenerate beguilers there are. Monkeye, on the other hand, professes that his campaigns are Right with a capital R. Finally, whatever you have learned or received or heard from me or simply read in this letter, put it into practice, and you will succeed at revealing the truth about Stinky Monkeye's denunciations.