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Jitterbean and I Punched So Hard He Turned Into Horse

Dec 3rd, 2013
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  1. CAST:
  2.  
  3. HTBK/Jitterbean as as GM, NPCs, and GMPCs Exspresso, Helena Sykes, and Jitterbean
  4. This session, HTBK was acting as Jitterbean while GMing, in addition to playing the role of Jitterbean as a GMPC. Jitterbean--who shares a body with Globe--has always been a character colluded with that of the GM. Exspresso is quite similar--as Globe was with Veronika, one of the other characters, when she was turning into a pony, he advised that she attempt the same thing he had, and talk to the pony who she was becoming physically. It turns out the coffee-loving stallion in her head talked back, but only spoke Spanish--which Veronika doesn't speak, but Globe does. Helena Sykes is a friend of Eric's who was born in London but emmigrated to the States, and now lives in New Orleans.
  5.  
  6. Globebutt, as Globebutt's Blatant Self Insert as Jitterbean
  7. In the original Noisy Valley, Globebutt turned into a pegasus mare with a lovely ass who went by the name of Jitterbean. Then he mentally became her, forgetting who he was. Then he got better. Then the pony tried to come back, and... long story short, he got turned back into a human but decided to keep the conciousness that he'd come to befriend in his head. Since then, he's been working in a coffee shop in the town of Noisy Valley and getting tutored in "handling" (that is, a form of transmutation magic present in this setting) in the Undercity (that is, the massive magical city underneath the town) so that some day, he and Jitters might be able to timeshare their body more fairly.
  8.  
  9. Egg as Eric the Girly Looking Bat-Stallion
  10. Eric was a character introduced in the Dark London campaign which was set in the magical undercity of London. Eric had been a poor Dark Londoner who turned into an effeminate bat pony stallion during an incident which found large portions of the population turning into mindless talking ponies in the year 1898. He befriended a handler and a seer, though, and emmigrated with them to America; he now lives in New Orleans with Helena (whom he calls Red), where for decades the handler has been keeping the three of them (along with at least one other character who isn't relevant to this excerpt) alive since then--since when you can undo the effects of aging on a whim, why let yourself and your friends die?
  11.  
  12. Write as A PC Not Appearing in this Scene
  13. The party was split in two during this session, and Write was in the other half. He made a few relevant comments I saw fit to keep in, though.
  14.  
  15. PREFACE:
  16.  
  17. Noisy Valley 2: Electric Boogaloo was (is) the sequel to the first WUAH campaign ever run, Noisy Valley. In the original campaign, a household of friends and two strangers found themselves turning into horses, and but after a hectic couple of days in which a brewery exploded, a squeaky carrot nearly ruined everything, a secret magical undercity was discovered beneath the town of Noisy Valley, the entire town started turning into ponies, the whole party--minus one of the roommates, who got hit by a car that was out of control because the driver turned into a horse--was given the option to stay ponies, or become human again. Most elected to stay ponies. Most also decided to stay in the Undercity. My character did not. But fast forward a year.
  18.  
  19. I'm a human, working at a local coffee shop with a coffee horse in my head. Meet a couple of people near the end of my shift; one looks and sounds and seems to exactly be my roommate. My dead roommate. Think it's weird, but. Go to my coffee-scented home. Invite a few of the folks over, because they need beds and I'm feeling generous and such. Hide the roommate who turned into a pony, lost his mind, and lives as my pet in the basement. Wake up.
  20.  
  21. Am horse again. Freaking out a little bit, but mostly calm. Houseguests, not so much. But I've dealt with this before! We try to head to the undercity to get some magicial specialists to work this out, but it turns out magic's broken and the very fabric of the universe seems to be fraying.
  22.  
  23. So to cut to the chase, we wound up in New Orleans, where The Shroud--the pervasive enchantment that pervades the planet, keeping the uninitiated from accidentally seeing the magic that our world posesses--is thin. There we look for some important characters and some important answers.
  24.  
  25. At this point in the campaign, we're looking to brew a barrel of coffee for a dragon. I don't want to explain that right now, because it's late and I've typed enough already. Goddamn.
  26.  
  27.  
  28. LOG:
  29.  
  30. HTBK: "Do try and restrain yourself, now."
  31. *Helena walks inside in that dignified way of her, into this lesser Nirvanna. Expresso bolts after her as though the devil himself were on his hooves.*
  32. Globebutt: I trot casually behind.
  33. Egg: "I hope Newmann isn't working here still."
  34. HTBK: *Globe...oh, Globe. Obviously, Helena shot you in the head as soon as you got inside the door, because this right here is Heaven. It's two stories of fine fabric drapes, brass light fixtures, and wood so well-polished it almost seems to glow . But that's not the important part--the important pot is the *wall* of coffee bean containers pressed up against the wall behind the counter, and the conflicting aromas of about thrity different kinds of fine coffee. The notes say "Do not make Globe roll for spontatneous orgasm", but I dunno.*
  35. Globebutt: (3)
  36. HTBK: *You fall to the ground, wracked by lady-things.*
  37. Egg: Do I see Newmann in the store? Because I really hate that guy
  38. Globebutt: Oh...
  39. HTBK: *Yes you do, Eric. He’s reading one of his many “ironic” paperback novels.*
  40. Egg: God damn it.
  41. Egg: As long as he doesn't see me, I should be fine.
  42. Globebutt: I think I've been incapacitated... I...
  43. Globebutt: I sigh deeply.
  44. HTBK: *You feel Helena tapping your backside, Globe.*
  45. HTBK: “Have a little decency, woman.”
  46. Globebutt: ...Oh!
  47. Globebutt: I jump up. "Huh? Wh... I'm sorry; I... we..."
  48. Globebutt: I head over to the counter where Exspresso's presumably bouncing about.
  49. HTBK: *He’s literally jumping up and down on the counter, panting like an excited dog.*
  50. Globebutt: ...And nobody's stopping him?
  51. What was Sykes scolding me for!?
  52. Egg: "Pease get off the counter," Eric says to the happy coffeepone
  53. HTBK: *The coffeepone no speaky engliso, Egg.*
  54. HTBK: *He keeps on bouncing as he wills the clerk to notice him.*
  55. Egg: Eric flies up and attempts to remove the Pony by force from the counter
  56. HTBK: *The coffeepone gives you a look that says “What the fuck, man". Fortunately, that can be read in every language.*
  57. Globebutt: ...So is anyone here working the counter?
  58. HTBK: *Just some tweeny-bopper hipster dude who is pointedly ignoring Expresso's bids for attention.*
  59. Egg: Eric points to a chair near the counter after pointing to Expresso
  60. Globebutt: ...And what's Sykes up to?
  61. *She's watching the scene and presumably trying to figure out what to do about this.*
  62. *Egg, I just want to mention that you are the worst kind of person. Shame on you. Expresso grumbles, dejected, and hops off the bar and into a chair.*
  63. Egg: Eric promptly apologizes to the guy at the counter for Expresso's antics
  64. HTBK: *The guy at the counter sighs and gives you a familiar sardonic stare.*
  65. "You want something, Bat?"
  66. HTBK: *NEWMANN. Hipster, sexist, and pronounced pony hater. Learned to see through the shroud at age 18 after dropping acid two blocks over and stumbling into the building.*
  67. Egg: Eric ignores the insult, having been called this multiple times in the past hundred years.
  68. Write: (It hasn't even been 100 yet I don't think?)
  69. Globebutt: (It's been 100. DL was mid to late 1800s; this is 2013.)
  70. Egg: "Although I'd like to reprimand you verbally for your insults, I'm here on important business. I'll let Mr. Globe here explain."
  71. Write: (I thought it was early 1900's)
  72. Globebutt: (Fuck if I know; date creep's a bitch.)
  73. Globebutt: I step up toward the counter.
  74. Egg: (Definitely the 1800's)
  75. HTBK: *The notes say 1898.*
  76. Globebutt: "Yes. We... ahem. We need coffee. Lots of it. And not just any coffee, either. And..." ...damn. What did Veronika say we needed? "¿Exspresso, recuerde usted que decía que se necesite?"
  77. Write: (So 114? I guess hundereds is accurate then.)
  78. HTBK: "No comprendo Senora Veronika, mejillas-dulces."
  79. *The clerk looks down at you with a sneer.*
  80. "Yoooooou've got coffee on your butt. Just piss in a cup and call it a day."
  81. *He probably thinks he's being terribly clever, but he's not.*
  82. Egg: "Sykes, how is this guy still employed?"HTBK: *She shrugs. The jerkwad suddenly bolts to attention, but tries to pretend he didn't.*
  83. Globebutt: "...Mierda. Alguna vez, deben ustedes... pensar. Sin palabras, o algo. No sé. Pero, siento que se merece intentarlo."
  84. Globebutt: I flutter-hop on the counter, turning back to the "worker" behind the desk, and get right in his face.
  85. Globebutt: I stare at him discontentedly.
  86. HTBK: *Just putting this out here, nothing in the notes says "don't turn this guy into a horse for lulz". Just saying.*
  87.  
  88. "..."
  89. HTBK: *He stares back.*
  90. Egg: Eric watches. He's curious as to what Globe will do to the little snot rag
  91. Globebutt: "You know, I've got a job a lot like yours back home."
  92. Globebutt: "Except where I come from, when a customer asks for something,we *give* it to them." I lean forward as I accentuate the 'give'.
  93. HTBK: "Sorry, we don't serve hay here."
  94. *He leans slightly backwards.*
  95. Globebutt: I bite his nose.
  96. HTBK: "OWFUCK"
  97. HTBK: *He swears and shoves you away, falling backwards as he does. Roll fort for innocent reasons.*
  98. Globebutt: (4)
  99. HTBK: *Aw. Lame.*.
  100. Globebutt: (You weren't planning on trying to *handle* him, were you? You know that wouldn't work well.)
  101. HTBK: *I so was. And it so would.*
  102. Globebutt: I recover from the push back as best as I can, and leap forward onto Newmann.
  103. Globebutt: I aim for his chest.
  104. HTBK: "MOTHER OF MERCY--!"
  105. *You land on top of him, and neatly knock the breath out of him. Egg, Helena pointedly looks away.*
  106. "Did you hear something, Eric? It sounded a little like the wind."
  107. Egg: Eric, picking up on this, replies, "You must be hearing things, Red. I didn't hear anything."
  108. Egg: Eric can't help but smile. Eric would never lay a hand on Newmann because he didn't think Newmann was worth it.
  109. Globebutt: "As I said before, I'd like some coffee. And I'd like you to help me get it. If you'd be so kind as to oblige, I think we could both have a splendid day. And you? You might keep your job."
  110. Globebutt: I walk off of his chest, and head back around to the other side of the counter.
  111. HTBK: "Ah, fuck you..."
  112. *Newmann gets up to his feet, grumbling as he does, and straightens his company-mandated ballcap. Fortunately, lunch rush is about twenty minutes out--nobody was around to witness you opening up a can.*
  113. HTBK: *Oh, we should totally go for his nuts next time.*
  114. Globebutt: Ooh. We *should*. Let's hope for his sake that we don't have to, though.
  115. HTBK: *Come on, put him in the ground! Or at least put that magical education for good use!*
  116. *...Bah, you and your stupid self-control.*
  117. Globebutt: Magic's broken, Jitters!
  118. Egg: Eric gives Globe a look of approval
  119. HTBK: *Sooooo?*
  120. Globebutt: Nothing ruins a street rep like a magical backfire.
  121. HTBK: *We managed to bitch-slap the stupid out of Sketti!*
  122. Globebutt: Remember what happened with that paper we tried to handle!
  123. HTBK: *So worth it.*
  124.  
  125. “Soooo. Coffee.”
  126. Egg: Eric nudges Red and whispers to her "I'm giving him a lifelong discount at the store."
  127. Globebutt: "Yes. Coffee."
  128. I list off a number of blends I'm interested in, and ask for samples of a few before choosing which ones to purchase.
  129. HTBK: “Uh...huh. I think you’ll like the peppermint twist, the Fuck You, the french vanilla...”
  130. Globebutt: "What was that second one? The I-can-bite-you-ballsack-off? I don't think that's quite what I asked for."
  131. HTBK: “Not with those teeth ya can’t, ya little fucker. How’re you gonna be paying for this, anyway?”
  132. Globebutt: I think that was a challenge.
  133. Globebutt: I turn to Sykes. "That is a good question. Are you footing the bill, or should I fetch my wallet from the van?"
  134. HTBK: *She shrugs.*
  135. “My assets are sort of...frozen.”
  136. Globebutt: "...I'll go fetch my wallet, then." I trot out to the van and search my bag for my wallet. I mean, we did bring my bag along, didn't we?
  137. HTBK: *It’s there, Globe. In all its baggy glory.*
  138. Globebutt: I grab my wallet from it and head straight back inside.
  139. HTBK: *It tastes like leather, Globe. Ew.*
  140. HTBK: *ew ew ew ew ew.*
  141. Globebutt: What? But I always go for the nylon wallets.
  142. HTBK: *Oh, sorry. I’ve been living in some redneck’s head too long.*
  143. Globebutt: I hop up onto the counter and open my wallet, then take out a credit card.
  144. HTBK: *Newmann grumbles something as he snatches the card from you, Globe.*
  145. HTBK: “Giving the fucking horses credit cards, now.”
  146. Globebutt: "Actually, I got it as a human."
  147. Globebutt: "Not that I'd expect you care."
  148. HTBK: “Oh. One of *you*.”
  149. *If Newmann were a snake, he’d be literally spewing streams of venom into your ears.*
  150. Globebutt: I roll my eyes.
  151. HTBK: *He rings the card up and whistles.*
  152. HTBK: “That’ll be a metric fuckton.”
  153. Globebutt: ...I hope this all works out in the end. It's tragic to buy all this coffee and then not get to drink it.
  154. Globebutt: To go broke from buying it...
  155. Egg: "Red, if your assets become unfrozen, you need to reimberse Globe for this."
  156. HTBK: “Of coures, Eric. Good on him.”
  157. Globebutt: I take back the card, stuff it in my wallet, and close it up. "Now. We need to see about a French press, a grinder, cinnamon, chicory, and some cocoa powder. Think that was... and a keg. A half barrel keg."
  158. HTBK: *Newmann groans and flicks your ear with his finger.*
  159. “Beh. Good luck with that, jackass.”
  160. Globebutt: "...Thanks." I take my wallet and head back toward the van, then look behind me to see if everyone else is following.
  161. HTBK: *Expresso is giving you the most pathetic “aren’t you forgetting something” look you’ve ever seen in your entire life.*
  162. Globebutt: "...¿qué? ¿Qué he olvidado?"
  163. Globebutt: ...Oh, shit.
  164. Globebutt: ...Is someone else carrying the coffee?
  165. HTBK: *He smiles weakly and points to one of the fresh pots.*
  166. “...Cafe?”
  167. Globebutt: ...Oh, he just. I walk back toward the counter. "And a medium cup of..." ...which pot's he pointing at? I'd assume I can tell.
  168. HTBK: “...I see.”
  169. *He clearly doesn’t see, but he nods all the same.*
  170. *And Globe, he’s pointing at what smells like hazelnut shot with light caramel.*
  171. Globebutt: "...the hazelnut brew with carmel."
  172. HTBK: *That you can smell it even over twenty-nine other flavors suggests that your coffee powers are evolving.*
  173. HTBK: *maybe we got hooked onto an alien symbiote or something.*
  174. “Of course...”
  175. *Newmann continues to grumble as he pours out a cup and puts it on the counter.*
  176. “Card, please.”
  177. Globebutt: You've had a year of experience working in a coffee shop on top of a lifelong passion and natural inclination, Jitters.
  178. Globebutt: I pay in cash, instead.
  179. HTBK: “Oh. cool.”
  180. *As he turns away counting the money, he...oh my god.
  181.  
  182. *that SON OF A BITCH STICKS HIS ELBOW OUT, AND KNOCKS THE COFFEE OVER.*
  183. HTBK: *...*
  184. HTBK: *I don’t care if we go to prison for the rest of our life, we ARE ENDING HIM*
  185. Globebutt: (Rolled an 8 on fort. Go to town.)
  186. Egg: Eric nudges Sykes, seeing what Globe is about to do, and points in a different direction. "Hey Red, do you see that picture on the wall?"
  187. HTBK: “Yes, that’s definitely a picture.”
  188.  
  189. *Globe, the frikkin’ Indian War Chiefs couldn’t war cry as hard as you do now. You slam into Newmann with something that can be described as a “falon punch”, and are briefly blinded by a bright flash of light.*
  190. Globebutt: When I regain my vision...?
  191. HTBK: *You find yourself standing over an unconscious pink mare, and are keenly aware of Expresso lapping up the spilt coffee behind you. Coffee trumps dignity, as always.*
  192. Globebutt: ...Well.
  193. HTBK: *TASTE KARMA, SHITHEAD*
  194. Globebutt: ...Do we pay for the spilt coffee?
  195. HTBK: *...Nah.*
  196. Egg: Eric can't help but stare at the new Newmann... And promptly bursts into hysterics
  197. HTBK: *Helena is staring at the ceiling, Egg.*
  198. “Yes, how very amusing.”
  199. Globebutt: I take back the bill I handed the... handed over, stuff it in my wallet, and make back toward the door.
  200. Egg: After Eric catches his breath and stops laughing, he turns to Sykes. "I guess we'll have to get the coffee from somewhere else now, won't we?"
  201. HTBK: “You kidding? We paid for this already.”
  202.  
  203. *Helena collects the bags of coffee, using her sweater like a basket, and walks out after you like she didn’t see a damn thing.*
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